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Geek relationships

By blixco in Culture
Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 10:24:24 AM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)
Culture

I've been observing my friends and co-workers for quite some time, and have been fairly impressed by the relationships they all have with their significant others. With so much competing for our time (work, games, hacking, activism) I'm wondering what makes a good geek relationship work these days. Does it involve two geeks? Does the significant other have to have his/her own computer?


The last time I looked, my friends that are involved (married/living with/dating) are doing statistically better than you'd think for a bunch of geeks. I myself have managed to stay married for four years (three and a half years longer than anyone figured), and most of my friends have been with their significant others for well over a year.

Despite the fact that we all spend way too much time on systems, talking about systems, taking systems apart and putting them back together, the people in our lives stick with us. Heck, my spouse spent the first two years of our marriage only seeing me on weekends, for the most part, as I put in twenty hour days....but the relationship was and is still very strong. Are others having the same luck? Does it take having a relationship with a non-geek (as most of my friends have)? And looking at the somewhat cynical side of things, is it the time we spend apart that makes the time together liveable?

Also, how many of you are involved with another geek? Does it work? Does it only work if he is an evangelist for technology A while you evangelize technology X? I would assume that, if you are involved with a geek, a two computer minimum would apply. What other special rules are needed?

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Poll
Do you date/live with/sleep with a geek
o Yes 25%
o No 25%
o I wish 22%
o I'd like to sleep with anyone 13%
o I'd like to sleep with no one 1%
o I'd like to sleep with Rusty 11%

Votes: 208
Results | Other Polls

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Display: Sort:
Geek relationships | 48 comments (45 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
my geeky relationship (3.75 / 4) (#1)
by einstein on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:07:32 AM EST

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years and she definitely would not consider herself a geek, but she became interested in all this linux and networking stuff, and has started to learn bash and wants to start learning C/C++. I've become interested in the things she likes too, like opera and other cultural things.

we started dating end of our senior year in highschool , and are currently going to school 5 hours apart from each other, but get to see each other about every other weekend.

I think a good geek relationship is what a normal relationship has.. be interested in what your SO does and enjoys and learn from each other. also cuddle. cuddling in essential.

It makes me wonder (3.50 / 4) (#2)
by Demona on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:21:58 AM EST

I've been with the same woman for over twelve years, and friends and family alike wonder what our secret is when we have so little in common. Simple: We kept communicating, and in fact got better at it, past the initial attraction and ho-hum phases. Communication is THE key. That, and massages.

Side note: She's never been what most of the net.crowd might call a geek, but it wasn't just absorbing my attitudes through osmosis that made her prefer text mode to graphics, to the point where now I have to really work hard to convince her to use X. She definitely prefers Unix now that she's comfortable with it. Is that a geek? She's definitely better at math, 'hard sciences', spatial relationships and the like. I'd call her a hacker, certainly, given all the little mechanical/engineering problems she's solved around the house, in the car, etc., on-the-fly with available materials. (And no, she wasn't really into MacGuyver; more an Airwolf gal :)

[ Parent ]

Generalizing slightly... (4.00 / 2) (#19)
by msphil on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 01:05:19 PM EST

(FWIW, I've been married for 7.5 years, to a wonderful, computer and tech-enjoying artistic and musical woman, after dating for a little more than a year, after being good friends for more than a year.)

I would like to second one comment:

Communication is THE key. That, and massages.
only I think I would have phrased it as: Communication is the key. And together-time (without which communication probably won't happen).

For you, it's massages. For us, it's long walks and home-cooked dinners.

[ Parent ]

My experience (3.50 / 4) (#3)
by jabber on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:37:30 AM EST

I've been in the same, successful, relationship for over four years now. Prior, I was in another relationship that lasted 4 years as well. Both cases are similar, but I'll explain in terms of the current.

My GF is definitelly NOT a geek as I would define the term. She is not computer illiterate, but is not past the intimidation factor of technology. She likes Quake and Doom style games, but isn't all that good at them - don't tell her I said so. She currently does not have her own PC, and we are not living together, but as soon as the latter changes, so will the former. I don't want to share my workstation, and it will make gaming more fun. She knows her way around a computer (Windows) well enough to accomplish what ever end-user tasks she sets out to get done, but would not mess with the system, just for the sake of doing so.

The important factor in the geekness of this relationship is that she accepts completely, even if she does not completely understand, my fascination and passion for the technology. She is supportive. She listens to me bitch when an elegant design hasn't yet presented itself, or when an inconsistent bug keeps biting. She may not understand all the details, or even care to, but she cares that I care, and embraces and supports my interests.

This is important because it is contrary to the experience of most geeks when they were growing up. We tended to be outcast by popular society because of our atypical focus. We played different games than the 'popular kids'. We didn't pay as much attention to pop music, Hollywood fame, new clothes, money... We prized the things that these pop-pursuits displaced, knowledge, instrospection, insight, curiosity... Do I sound like Jon Katz yet?

So now, when geeks like myself find someone who is accepting of their particular "kink", someone who is willing to understand our late-night hack sessions, our referreing to friends by their IRC nicks, our 'geeking out' with tech-heads over a few beers while the SO's look bored, then it makes for a good relationship.

In a way, my GF is my interface to the non-geek world. When I get tired of the hack, and say I want a break, she is more than happy to bring me out into the big blue room - but is sensitive to taking me there at my own pace. I think that the best of both worlds, since a geek on geek relationship seems to me to be too specialized, and less able to handle non-geek situations. If you're lucky enough to live in a geek enclave, more power to you, but for the most part, too much of anything is poisonous.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

Geek/Geek, the non-geek world, and polyamoury (3.66 / 3) (#10)
by Michael Leuchtenburg on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 10:04:51 AM EST

I think that the best of both worlds, since a geek on geek relationship seems to me to be too specialized, and less able to handle non-geek situations. If you're lucky enough to live in a geek enclave, more power to you, but for the most part, too much of anything is poisonous.

I can definitely see how a geek-only relationship might seem over-specialized, but have you ever met a geek with only geeky interests? For instance, I am a geek. I'm very interested in computers. I'm also interested in theater and music. I play piano. I sing. I go to plays and concerts (of various types). Other geeks have other interests.

So, a geek/geek relationship might not be over-specialized after all. I agree with Heinlein, sometimes: Specialization is for insects. I want to know everything. In fact, that's my goal in life, that and enjoying myself along the way. I kinda hope I never get there, though; it'd be rather boring with nothing left to learn.

Also, with respect to specialized relationships. The more people in a relationship, the more ideas, the more interests, the more situations its likely someone will know the right thing to do in. Thus polyamoury is more robust.

Another demonstration of the increased robustness is such. One member dies. In a two-member situation, the kids just lost half their parents. All of them are probably really upset. In, say, a 5-member situation, the kids have more people to support them. Also, the other members have more people to support them, so they can support each other more effectively. As Spider Robinson said, if you and another share your pain, it becomes less. This applies even more so to larger groups.

[ #k5: dyfrgi ]
[ TINK5C ]
[ Parent ]

Tireless evangelist for poly as I am... (3.66 / 3) (#16)
by Paul Crowley on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 12:45:25 PM EST

I'm not sure that your arguments for poly here are quite on the money, or that closely related to the original discussion. It means you get to contrast geek with non-geek relationships concurrently rather than serially, I guess. In my case, being an SMmer with geek partners meant getting tortured over my non-RFC-compliant setup of DNS. Well, nearly anyway :-)
--
Paul Crowley aka ciphergoth. Crypto and sex politics. Diary.
[ Parent ]
Variation (none / 0) (#23)
by Michael Leuchtenburg on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 02:03:21 PM EST

I was speaking particularly towards the anti-specialization idea, and also towards the idea of robustness, a quality close to most geeks' hearts. But yeah, I guess it is a little OT. Oh well.

In my case, being an SMmer with geek partners meant getting tortured over my non-RFC-compliant setup of DNS. Oy.

[ #k5: dyfrgi ]
[ TINK5C ]
[ Parent ]

My GF (2.00 / 3) (#5)
by finkployd on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:50:05 AM EST

My girlfriend is a complete non-geek. It works though, because then we never have lover spats about vi/emacs, linux/*bsd, gnome/kde, etc. I don't think two geeks going out would be a great idea, the posturing and power struggle that would take place between any two geeks is just too much for a relationship. Of course, it's also possible that my girlfriend is only with me because I keep her hopelessly pathetic computer running... Finkployd
Sig: (This will get posted after your comments)
Poor stereotype (4.00 / 6) (#6)
by Burb on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:50:43 AM EST

The last time I looked, my friends that are involved [...] are doing statistically better than you'd think for a bunch of geeks.

Geek stereotype: not good at relationships, especially compared to "normal" people. Watch TV - ever seen a nerd in a sitcom who has a life? Evidence of my own eyes: Some geeks are good at relationships, some are not. Oddly enough, the same applies for teachers, car mechanics, accountants, actors, car salesman, cowboys and US Marines.

I end up wondering if the geek stereotype is way off. Unless of course you define geek as a technical person who is better with computers than people, and the stereotype becomes axiomatic. Axioms prove nothing.

Pity you can't fix stereotypes.

With that logic... (3.00 / 2) (#9)
by blixco on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 10:01:29 AM EST

....why do we define anyone at all, really? We are all individuals, right? I mean, we each have our own unique behaviors that might defy classification in one cultural / populist group.

Hrmmm....I guess it's a self applied label, and we're living up to the label. A "biker" brings to mind a certain person, a stereotype. Not every biker will be that stereotype, but most would strive to live certain parts of that stereotype. There's a reason that stereotypes exist. There's a reason we can define a Geek culture.

Ah, in any event, I'm sorry to have implied that geeks have a hard time with relationships. I did when I was younger, that's for sure. I went through eight relationships that couldn't deal with my obsession with technology. Overslept for things like anniversary dinners after an all night hack....that kind of thing. In the end, I managed to find someone who just understands the time and effort involved, and how personally I take all of it.
-------------------------------------------
The root of the problem has been isolated.
[ Parent ]
ObMontyPython (4.00 / 1) (#34)
by pw201 on Tue Nov 14, 2000 at 08:25:00 AM EST

We are all individuals, right?

I'm not.

[ Parent ]

Geeks and Artsy-Bi Chicks (4.40 / 5) (#7)
by Michael Leuchtenburg on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:54:48 AM EST

I've noticed that "geeks" and "arsty-bi chicks" tend to get along really well. I've discussed this with my friends a bit, and while we're not sure why this is, we've got a few ideas.

Both geeks and artsy-bi chicks are outside the norm. They also, like everyone, want to be accepted. They both understand that if they expect people to accept their weirnesses, they have to accept the same in others. So both groups are fairly accepting.

They're both creative. Geeks tend to lean more towards creating code, though many also enjoy creating art (often with computers). Artsy-bi chicks are, well, artsy. They create art, of various forms, be it visual, literary, or auditory.

They both like music. Music is a meeting place of math and art. It's very mathematical, yet no one with any sense would honestly deny that it's art.

Does anyone have any ideas on this matter? Good evidence? Contrary observations?

[ #k5: dyfrgi ]
[ TINK5C ]

I second that. (4.00 / 2) (#31)
by blackwizard on Sun Nov 12, 2000 at 06:31:26 PM EST

I have an "artsy-bi-chick" girlfiend, if I must call her that. (That's a generalization and a half.) We've been together for almost a year now -- which, I must say, is much longer than I have ever been with any of my previous girlfriends. (I'm 21) We get along really well, and I love her dearly.

I don't know if I'd agree completly with your generalizations about why "geeks" and "artsy bi chicks" click so well. But I'll leave the analysis to you -- here are some reasons why I like her:

- There are a lot of people I don't like because they are too "shallow". I don't think that she is.
- Most people seem to be extremely materialistic these days. She is not.
- She is very smart, and a quick learner.
- She is very compassionate and sweet, and very dedicated.
- She is very creative. (I think she is more creative than me, and I would tend to think that geeks, however creative, are more left-brained than more artsy people. But hey; who am I to generalize?) She makes wonderful art; (many times better than what I could do!) she just has a knack for it, she has never taken any classes, but she's one of the best artists I've seen. (Personally, I am not so good at drawing and painting; I prefer photography.)
- She is unconventional! She doesn't look or act average.
- I like her taste in music and movies.
- She is very cute =)

Anyway, beyond that, we share a lot of ideals, frustrations, and neuances about our personalities. I could probably go on for pages. Also, we are both very shy, (I think she is a tad more shy than me in most circumstances, while I am more shy than her in some others.) and would both probably rather relax at home than go out into social situations. I also think that we are both more accepting than the norm; we both know what it's like to not be accepted, to be an outcast, etc...

I think we make an awesome couple. We probably make a lot of people sick. =)

[ Parent ]
Out of experience, I agree (4.00 / 1) (#37)
by rxmd on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 11:47:24 AM EST

I can't help but agree with you. I had a long-lasting relationship with what you call an artsy-bi girl (even though she'd probably stone me for using that term...), and it was amazing how we added to each other.

This was partly due to the fact that she did develop a fair interest in computers (I mean, we had a BSD server in our flat, and when we broke up after four and a half years, she was capable of administering it, and now she's getting a degree web design and network administration to have something to work for as a living), while I had a fair interest in art and in what she was doing.

The fact that at most times it was a fairly BDSM relationship is another thing, of course, and it was much more of a reason for our breaking up than the geek-artsy-bi-combination. I haven't had either a boy- or a girlfriend since then, partly because I haven't found that many people yet who could compare to her. Brief relationships (affairs, rather) are a different matter, but I don't think I could imagine living in a long-term relationship at the moment.

       /"\
       \ /     ASCII Ribbon Campaign
        X      Against HTML Mail
       / \     
totuus löytyy kaurapuurosta
[ Parent ]
aye (3.00 / 1) (#43)
by johnzo on Fri Nov 17, 2000 at 02:46:47 PM EST

Just affirmative evidence. My artsy bi-chick and I are going on eight months now, and we're having a wonderful time. It helps that aside from the geek / artsy divide, we have a bunch in common, mostly that we're both writers and we both love science fiction. But there's enough difference between us (her = art history education and background / me = soulless technology education and background) that I think we really add up well together. John(lucky geek)zo.

[ Parent ]
Notsomuch the geek factor... (3.80 / 5) (#11)
by TheLocust on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 10:05:36 AM EST

...but the fact that most geeks (guys, anyway) I know don't have a high macho-bullshit factor. Which is the cause for a lot of strife in a relationship.

Most geeks I know (myself included) prize intelligence over beauty, and are reasonably level-headed. And that, my friends, goes a long way in a relationship. Sure, we can be isolationists, and even socially retarded, but in the long run, geeks are passionate, COMpassionate, sensitive folk.

I guess I'm involved with a geek. She's got a degree in math and spanish, so I *guess* that makes her a geek. And yes, she MUST have her own computer. I'll be damned if she is going to delete all of my hard-fought pr0n!

.......o- thelocust -o.........
ignorant people speak of people
average people speak of events
great people speak of ideas

well duh. . . (none / 0) (#47)
by monkeyfish on Fri Nov 24, 2000 at 12:37:40 AM EST

don't give her root!

[ Parent ]
woo hoo (4.57 / 7) (#12)
by rusty on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 10:55:11 AM EST

At present, more people want to sleep with me than "anyone". Rock on.

Anyway, I've been with my fiancee for... oh God, must be 6 years now, although not continuously. We've been best friends the whole time though, even when we weren't explicitly dating.

She's a total non-geek, and that works out well for us. Y'know, sometimes I think I want to tell her about some code I wrote at work today, or this funny thing I debugged, and she basically just rolls her eyes and ignores me. For the most part though, her geek-immunity is a wonderful wonderful thing. She keeps me from getting overly absorbed in my little controllable world and makes me go out in the blue room and *do* things once in a while. Because, when you get right down to it, the nature of the "geek" is to live in a perfectly controllable machine environment. Human society is anything but controllable.

Nevertheless, my vote is go with the one you love. It's different for different people. Just, if anyone tells you that so-called "geeks" can never have normal relationships, tell 'em it ain't so.

____
Not the real rusty

"totally controllable" (3.00 / 3) (#17)
by Michael Leuchtenburg on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 12:48:11 PM EST

Machines are not "totally controllable". They do unexpected things, sorta like the rest of the world. They react. They're complex systems. Yeah, you can influence it a bit more than most other things in the world, but you never have total control.

And in the right relationship, you can have total control! If they start acting up, well, you just get our your whip and...

[ #k5: dyfrgi ]
[ TINK5C ]
[ Parent ]

geek-on-geek is just dandy (3.87 / 8) (#13)
by persimmon on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 11:24:09 AM EST

AMD-zealot-BSD-running-hardware-nazi boyfriend and I get along well, probably because of the intersection of other interests. He's an NT sysadmin and I'm a second-year CS major, so we're not alike in our geekiness, but we don't get blank stares returned if he bitches about the USB on his motherboard crapping out or I gripe about Java.

Non-geek relationships have never worked for me, since The Boy would end up harping about how I spent so much time in front of the monitor, or wouldn't I rather go dancing than set up my X server, or three operating systems should be enough.

Who else could you have a good time with setting up all your boxen at home and taming the cords? Who else would buy you hardware for your anniversary? Who else enters the name on your warez copy of PhotoSchlop as "the most beautiful girl in the world"?

And who else in the world is going to look into my eyes and say how incredibly lucky he was to find a geek chick?
There's just no comparison.


--
It's funny because it's a blancmange!
Yes it is. (3.50 / 2) (#21)
by the coose on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 01:51:26 PM EST

I'm an AMD-zealot-Linux-running-hardware-nazi guy who met my geek gf (and soon to be fiancee - glad she doesn't read K5 ;) when she was a CS major in college. Like your situation, we are different in our geekiness in that she's a database/Oracle/SQL/Windows using developer while I'm a C/C++/Perl/embedded 68K/Linux using hacker...err developer.

There is one rule we follow, though:   On the weekends we stay away from the PC for the most part. During the week we are consumed by work so the weekend is time for friends, our dogs, and each other. It's not that we sat down and agreed on this, rather weekday burn-out just kind of led to it. After 50+ hours of jockeying behind a keyboard, both of us are overjoyed to see Friday arrive.

[ Parent ]
some ppl have all the luck (2.00 / 1) (#35)
by axxeman on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 10:29:40 AM EST

actually this post was the bit that broke the crc correction (bloody camels) and made me register... all to say that the boyfriend is one Lucky Bastard (mt) this is gonna get moderated down... have patience ppl, i have a /. to unlearn :P

Being or not being married isn't going to stop bestiality or incest. --- FlightTest
[ Parent ]

Multiple computers is a must! (4.00 / 3) (#15)
by h0tr0d on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 12:27:14 PM EST

My wife and I have been together for almost eight years now. She, for the most part, is a non-geek. She does very well at tolerating my geek related rants or occassional need for an all night hack-a-thon. She will quietly listen as I ramble on about stuff that she has no clue about and then several months later pull that information out of her memory and completely blow my friends away. She has even appeared more knowledgable than some of them on occasion when she has been able to offer debugging tips that they had not thought of. If only I was as good a listener for her.

Having multiple computers in the house is a necessity. We have his, hers, ours(server), and of course enough spare parts to probably build another one. This has been key in keeping a strong bond between us because it gives us both a chance to do what we want with our pc's. She is not afraid of breaking it since it is hers and she doesn't have to tolerate the downtime when I break mine(which is quite often).

Most importantly though are friendship and love. My wife was my best friend before I married her and that is why I married her. I couldn't, and still can't, think of anyone that I would rather spend an eternity with than my best friend.

-- It appears that my spleeing chucker isn't working again.

Friends and lovers... (4.00 / 2) (#18)
by msphil on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 01:01:17 PM EST

Most importantly though are friendship and love. My wife was my best friend before I married her and that is why I married her. I couldn't, and still can't, think of anyone that I would rather spend an eternity with than my best friend.
Yes! I know that feeling, and I am glad that others are as lucky as I consider myself to be.

[ Parent ]
Geeks... (2.66 / 6) (#20)
by durian on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 01:14:43 PM EST

Why divide the world into geeks and non-geeks? It is so short-sighted. Everyone is a bit of everything. -peter

Why? (3.33 / 3) (#22)
by blixco on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 02:01:42 PM EST

"Why divide the world into geeks and non-geeks?" Because it's convenient for the purposes of the discussion. There are people who are very *very* much into something (like computers, or math, or what have you) and they are involved with other people who may or may not share their interest. How does that work? My spouse has no interest in this thing that I like so much but our relationship is wonderful despite that....and I dunno how. And I can't even imagine being involved with someone as into this as I am.

It's a short sighted world view, but we're not talking the state of the world here. We're talking relationships. And sleeping with Rusty.
-------------------------------------------
The root of the problem has been isolated.
[ Parent ]
Geeks... (2.33 / 3) (#24)
by durian on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 02:20:18 PM EST

I know - it's convenient - and I know that some people are heavily "into something" - but still - once you talk with them they are usually interested in a lot more, and know about a lot more too. So I still think one shouldn't divide into geeks/non-geeks :) because there is more than just one way of looking at people. Who is rusty? :)) -peter

[ Parent ]
one thing I have noticed... (4.00 / 8) (#25)
by persimmon on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 04:29:14 PM EST

...is that geeky girls (like me) seem to end up with geeky boyfriends much more often than geeky boys end up with geeky girlfriends. I've heard arguments for not dating fellow geeks from everyone from my physics GTF (who married a social worker) to one of my exes (exen?) who couldn't stand my habit of putting as many operating systems on my box as I possibly could.

Thing is, they have all been from men, who have a smaller pool of potentially geeky partners. I don't think I've ever heard a "don't date a geek" spiel from a girl who slung the code herself.

Whaddaya think? Some of the "she reminds me about the big room with the ceiling that changes colours" arguments presented here sound much deeper than mere sour grapes, but I wonder how many reasons male geeks manage to come up with for not dating other geeks that they just couldn't find.


--
It's funny because it's a blancmange!
Geek girls are hard to find... (3.50 / 2) (#30)
by Arker on Sun Nov 12, 2000 at 04:02:47 PM EST

I think there is definately something to what you say. While the arguments against it are good to a point, there's a lot of overgeneralisation involved. I'm a network type, I can string cable, setup routers and servers and the like all day, I run 4 different operating systems on my home system, but I've never coded anything important and probably never will. My math scores were always high enough to stay in AP in high school, but I did much better in things like english and applied sciences, and never took any advanced math in college.

If I got involved with a girl who was a coder-math-cs type, who writes code for a living and reads pure math journals for fun after work, would that automatically be doomed because we're both geeks? I don't think so. There is a lot more to a person than a single dimension, and there's often even more to a single dimension than a single dimension, as I tried to illustrate above by pointing out that you can have two 'geeks' that are totally unlike in their geekiness.

I really think the bottom line in judging any relationship is do you have enough in common to make a bond, and enough diversity to add to each other. Oh, and is the sex good. :) That last one can't make a relationship on it's own, but it's sure hard to make a good one without it too. Over-intellectualising things, prejudging them, does no good whatsoever. If you're attracted to someone, spend some time together, see how you get along, and play it by ear... social habits beliefs and expectations that will come out in intimate conversation and association are far more important than such trivialities as whether or not one or another "is a geek."



[ Parent ]
off and on (topic that is) (3.00 / 1) (#32)
by bradenmcg on Mon Nov 13, 2000 at 02:52:22 AM EST

starting with the offtopic...
I'm a network type, I can string cable, setup routers and servers and the like all day, I run 4 different operating systems on my home system, but I've never coded anything important and probably never will. My math scores were always high enough to stay in AP in high school, but I did much better in things like english and applied sciences, and never took any advanced math in college.

hmm, sounds like me, or at least what i aspire to be... mind me asking what you did to get yourself "into" the field? i've been looking HARD to get my foot in the door of the network world and have been screwed numerous times... advice is very welcome. feel free to use email.

now to reel it back ontopic...

I really think the bottom line in judging any relationship is do you have enough in common to make a bond, and enough diversity to add to each other. Oh, and is the sex good. :) That last one can't make a relationship on it's own, but it's sure hard to make a good one without it too.

hell yes!

i'm just beginnning a relationship that i have a feeling is going to last a LONG time... partially because we are both very committed people and partially because we work EXTREMELY well together. she reminds me of me in SO many ways... but she also has her wonderful differences and i love her both because of and in spite of them.

love is such a wonderful feeling. i still am a strong believer that if more people in the world really truly loved someone (in the "significant other" sense of the word) then our planet would be a much better place.

i love k5 more with every post. :)

<leonphelps>Yeah, now, uh, "sig," what is that?</leonphelps>
[ Parent ]

Why would I want to date a geek? (2.33 / 3) (#26)
by japhar81 on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 05:16:25 PM EST

My gf is an equestrian/english major, which basically means she rides horses all day and when she doesnt, she writes about them (read: horse fanatic). I'm a techie, with a bunch of letters behind my name (MCSD, CCNA, etc.). I've dated geeks, and non-geeks, and here's the way it usually works. A geek is all about the 48hr hack-a-thon, the latest os, that spiffy new security patch. A non-geek is all about things like having fun, dancing, (yes, sex too), etc. Dating geeks is ok, when you want someone to hack with, but most of the time, when you do want to go out for a change, she doesnt. A non-geek is great, if she can tolerate you. My gf has accepted the fact that I will lock myself in my office for days on end and hack. Shes perfectly happy because she knows that in the end, I'll still love her. I'm happy, because when Im done with my long day, shes the one thats there taking care of practical things, like, oh, where to go for dinner. Besides, your geek-gf won't be showing up at your office at 3am with chinese, she'll be busy coding in her office. I've found that a non-geek on geek works best.

<H6>Rome is always burning, and the younger generation never respects its elders. The time of your second coming, japhar81, is no exception. -- Aphasia</H6&gt
My Experience (4.00 / 6) (#27)
by Grimster on Fri Nov 10, 2000 at 09:33:53 PM EST

I've dated a geek in high school, we were so alike, we lasted nearly no time. Too much in common, we didn't add anything to the other one. I think that's the real clincher, don't date someone just like you, a couple adds to each other and when you're both "alike" the combination is less than two people who are somewhat or a lot different.

My wife is not a geek, not to say she isn't smart or doesn't like computers, she's just a user though, she will get on the net, send e-mail, play an odd game or two but after an hour or so, she's ready to watch TV or go grab some dinner or whatever. I could sit in my computer chair literally 24/7 even sleeping in it (I've been known to on so many occasions) so it's good when she comes in and reminds me "hey you haven't eaten dinner, and I'm in the mood for chinese, let's go" or she comes in with a movie and some Pizza. I would never see a movie, go to the mall, or really, get outside, if it weren't for her adding to my "geek" nature with her non-geek tendencies.
--- Do Not Click! Grimster
I agree very much... (3.50 / 2) (#28)
by Chakotay on Sat Nov 11, 2000 at 05:07:48 PM EST

I don't live with my girlfriend (yet), but I'm experiencing pretty much the same thing between us.

We're almost opposites of eachother, actually. I grew up in the Netherlands (In north-west Europe, squished inbetween the North Sea, Belgium and Germany), she grew up in Burkina Faso (in west Africa, formerly known as Upper Volta, squished inbetween Mali, Niger (!= Nigeria), Benin, Togo (.to), Ghana and Cote d'Ivoire). Growing up, in school, I was always the nerd, the one who got bollied, while she was popular, heck, she was quite a successful a model and movie star before moving to France with most of her family when she was 18. I like it cold (I love freezing weather, as long as it doesn't rain while it's so cold) and hate heat (can't stand temperatures over 25C), while she likes it warm (well duh, she's from Africa). I love computers, I live them, I have a 100Mbit internet connection right in my room (don'tcha just love campus?). I spend most of my time working with computers, when I'm not reading (currently The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan) or watching movies or anime. She owns a computer, but uses it rarely, and has no internet connection.

What we do have in common is our sense of humour, our job (that's how we met), and our interest in movies. Oh, and our dislike for cleaning... She also hates cooking, which I don't really mind, so if (when?) we live together, I'll probably be doing the cooking, leaving the cleaning all to her *grin*

--
Linux like wigwam. No windows, no gates, Apache inside.

[ Parent ]

Get a housekeeper :-) (1.50 / 2) (#29)
by magney on Sun Nov 12, 2000 at 03:03:04 AM EST

If you both hate cleaning, and can afford a housekeeper, that's probably your best bet. Otherwise there will be strife over whose turn it is to vacuum, take out the trash, etc.

Do I look like I speak for my employer?
[ Parent ]

Relationships (2.40 / 5) (#33)
by Peeteriz on Mon Nov 13, 2000 at 09:28:18 AM EST

The stereotype is obviosly wrong; Some geeks have good relationships with the othere sex, some don't. As do managers, drivers, salesmen, etc.
One thing is different, though. As I can see from my friends/acquitances, geeks' relationships tend to be very stable. Maybe because of their less outgoing nature (They are less likely to dump current gf in favor of a blonde met last night in a bar), maybe beacause of other characteristics, theay and their SO's tend to stick together vey much, and very rarely break up.

A slightly different perspective (3.75 / 4) (#36)
by CrayDrygu on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 10:52:05 AM EST

I'm a male geek who's been with his boyfriend for almost two years now (December 28!). Gay geeks aren't too common, I consider myself lucky =)

I think one of the things that helps keep us together, though, its that we're not the same type of geek. I love fiddling with hardware, but I spend most of my time on the computer programming and writing web pages. Ryan, on the other hand, likes playing with hardware as much as I do, but he focuses on it more, and does almost no programming (I'm helping him learn C/C++ right now, though). So we balance each other out. I teach him about classes, and he teaches me the difference between types of RAM.

Of course, more important to keeping us together is that fact that we enjoy more than just computers. It's a long-distance relationship, so we don't get much time together, but when we do, it doesn't all revolve around computers. Movies, restaurants, video games (we both love our Playstations...he introduced me to Spyro, which has been a major time-suck), even just quiet snuggling. The only reason we're on our computers almost 24/7 right now is because it's where we get most of our contact, sadly. Soon enough we'll be living together, though.

So to anyone who thinks two geeks together won't work because they have too much in common, remember that there's many different types of geeks. You just need to find someone who balances you out, and more importantly, common interests outside of your geekdom.

right on (none / 0) (#46)
by monkeyfish on Fri Nov 24, 2000 at 12:29:08 AM EST

it can be really incredible to be w/ someone who shares your interests. i have done it, and would highly recommend it.

[ Parent ]
Geek relationships? (2.00 / 4) (#38)
by DJBongHit on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 12:05:47 PM EST

I've never dated a geek girl, and to tell you the truth, the idea isn't terribly appealing :) As some of the other posters here have said, relationships are strongest when the people involved can build off of each other rather than both of them being involved in the same things. Well, that and the fact that, no offense to any geek girls here, geek girls tend not to be the most... ahem... physically attractive people around (same goes for most geek guys, too...)

~DJBongHit

--
GNU GPL: Free as in herpes.

I would say that I was offended.... (2.00 / 1) (#40)
by blixco on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 02:24:50 PM EST

...but that would reveal too much about me, I think.

Are you calling me ugly???</humor>

Ya know, this falls into that stereotype thing. Being older, I see all potsmokers as being long haired heavy metal types with acne. But that's just name calling.

Heh heh.


-------------------------------------------
The root of the problem has been isolated.
[ Parent ]
Don't Judge a Book by its Cover (2.00 / 2) (#41)
by Kumba00 on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 06:50:44 PM EST

I would have to say that Physical Looks about someone should not be considered the entire package, rather, true beauty lies within a person. Sure as humans we tend to judge people by how they look, rather than by who they are inside. I would much rather prefer a girl with personality, computer knowledge, depth, etc.., over one who just looks good. But that's just me. I'm sure there are plenty of couples out there who found each each other simply because the other looked good, and couples that found each other because of what each had within themselves, so in the end, each person to his/her own...

--Kumba
"Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb." --Pythagoras
"Learn to be silent. Let your quiet mind listen and absorb." --Pythagoras
[ Parent ]
Physical attraction (2.50 / 2) (#42)
by fester on Thu Nov 16, 2000 at 12:40:38 PM EST

I'm sorry, but I think there is nothing wrong with "judging the book cover." *Gasp*, did I just say that? Before you write me off as a superficial jerk, allow me to explain. I want to be physically attracted to the person I date. It's certainly not the only thing I consider, but if I'm going to [potentially] spend the rest of my life with this person, I better damn well think she's beautiful. I've found that a person can become more beautiful to you over time (grow on you?), but there needs to be a certain level of attraction.

[ Parent ]
damn geeks. (1.00 / 2) (#39)
by pastorangryshanez on Wed Nov 15, 2000 at 02:03:42 PM EST

I hate geeks, always messing around with computers. They're up to no good always hacking sites.

Realtionshios (3.00 / 2) (#44)
by Empty_One on Sun Nov 19, 2000 at 02:12:37 PM EST

I think it doesn't really matter if both are geeks or not. I consider myself a geek, and my girlfriend sure reminds me i am one often enough. She is definately not a geek, but she likes computers. I think that because of me, she is slowly moving toward the geeky side, but only for some things. For instance, The Sims is the only game she plays, but i have never seen someone search so hard for the latest wallpaper, floor tile, or orange fridge. :) It's a good thing though, because because of the time she spends online looking for Sims type stuff, she now understands a little more about me, and how i dream about being able to live in my computer chair. So, to tidy up this rambling post, i feel that it is not important to seek another geek out, but i think your SO needs to atleast understand a little about the geek mind, because to a total non-geek, sitting in front of a monitor for more than 15 minutes it takes to check your email just doesn't make sence.
--
"Barney sucks! Best Buy sucks! Sony Sucks! Microsoft sucks, Bill Gates is the anti-Christ and John Ashcroft can kiss my ass!" Wil Wheaton
RelationshiPs (none / 0) (#45)
by Empty_One on Sun Nov 19, 2000 at 02:13:56 PM EST

sorry for the typos, the preview button didn't work :)
--
"Barney sucks! Best Buy sucks! Sony Sucks! Microsoft sucks, Bill Gates is the anti-Christ and John Ashcroft can kiss my ass!" Wil Wheaton
[ Parent ]
geeks go for creative partners (none / 0) (#48)
by bigbug__ on Fri Nov 24, 2000 at 01:25:14 PM EST

well, they say, you're a geek. you go look it up in a dictionary and here's what you find:
"A carnival performer whose show consists of bizarre acts, such as biting the head off a live chicken."
not quite so, still i tend to be a geek. many of my friends are too. it seems that being a geek means being informed, intellectual, focused, potentially successful person. focused on IT in this case. geeks are creative - they have to be to do what they are doing. geeks like style, efficiency, perfection, elegant solutions, reading k5... geeks are usually smart. they tend to be emotional - but usually in a more intellectual manner. they like challenges, originality, beauty and reliability. they tend to be tender and passionate for the ones that take them away from their systems, and make the "real world" a place where they can experience the perfection, compatibility, joy and emotional and intelectual stimulae of a good relationship.
geeks are creators. they make their own world. they need creative partners who can add-up to that world with an equal and compatible style, intelect, challenge, perfection, etc. they need someone who can make their world bigger and more interesting.
thus, they go for partners on the artsy side, or, at least for partners outside their field of geekiness. my experience is that geek-geek relationships don't last for too long, and when it's over noone has gained anything.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. -- Alan Watts
Geek relationships | 48 comments (45 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
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