The flamage below is aimed at the person I'm replying to, not
at everybody who chooses monogamy.
Does it ever occur to anyone that if you "really" like someone, maybe you should just voluntarily not fuck other people?
What does one have to do with the other, exactly? Am
I somehow going to like that person less if I fuck somebody
Is it that hard for you NOT to have sex?
Nope. I've gone for years without sex, when it suited
Is it that much of an addiction that you have to keep "shopping" when you've already got someone?
All right, now you've pissed me off. One "shops" for
possessions, not people. Relationships are not
Maybe you feel some compulsion
to own a person. Maybe you're so insecure you
can't believe somebody's committed to you if that person
sleeps with (or, God forbid, actually loves)
Maybe you're so hung up on sex that
sleeping with somebody once makes you forget all your
other commitments in life, or maybe you're so emotionally
stunted that you can't commit to anybody in any way
beyond sex. Lots of people are that way.
But don't go projecting it onto the rest of us.
When you're 40, still have no stability in life, and you're now the "old guy in the bar" maybe it'll occur to you that you spent your
life in a futile hedonist pursuit instead of doing something with yourself.
I am almost 40. I live in a house in an old,
established neigborhood. I've been married for 19 years,
and expect to stay married for many more. Maybe
I'll even end up more married than I am. I'm on good
terms with my family.
say I'm the "old guy in the bar", since I've never been in
a bar alone in my life, and never been drunk in my life.
I work in the garden, and putter around the house.
I whine and gripe about the noise from the kids next door.
I don't know if I've "done anything with myself".
I'm a millionaire;
maybe that means more to you than it does to me. I'm pretty
well respected professionally. I have lots of long-term
friends. I now have the luxury of spending a lot of my
time on things I consider socially valuable.
No kids... sorry if that doesn't meet your expectations.
I also have sex outside my marriage. So does my wife.
Unlike the fake "monogamists" you find running around
out there, we don't lie to each other about that, nor
do we let it ruin our lives.
... and not just sex, either. Although I'm not running down
orgies or one-night stands, I prefer long-term relationships,
(yes, with emotional commitment). My wife
and I have had all of the above. I've had sex with people
whose names I barely knew, and I've had sex with
dear friends of many years' standing. I've had sex for
the fun of it, and I've had sex with people I loved, to
use a corny phrase, more than life itself. And, yes,
I've had sex with a few people I wish I hadn't. One lives
Is all that "futile"? Well, maybe it is. I, like you, am going
to end up dead someday. The cold fact is that there's
no meaning to life beyond what we give it. The best
we can do is love, learn, improve the world according
to our own lights... and enjoy life. I'm sorry if you're so
hung up that you can't stand to see people do that.
I've got an uncle who is nearing 50; never been married,
always a swinger and into that lifestyle.
It's almost impossible to be a "swinger", among the people
who used to call themselves that (and now call themselves
"lifestyle participants" or some such) without being
married. They're totally into a couple-based worldview.
Don't like it much, myself; it's too limiting.
He went from a
highly-educated, respectable person with a bright future to a low-life, unstable, borderline pervert who now has problems with
alcohol... because he thinks he's still 20 and won't grow the fuck up.
Perhaps his problem is that he's too borderline. I've always
found it more fun to be a full-bore pervert. :-)
... or perhaps his problem is that he's an emotionally
inflexible, unthinking person, playing a social role set up
for him by other people's expectations, because
he can't create his own, and can't see
the rich possibilities life offers him.
... or maybe he's just a drunk.
... or maybe he has some other problem.
And then you breed with someone and have kids "accidentally" and they get to grow up into fucked up "families", if you want to
call them that.
Sure, there are risks. I could get an STD and die, leaving
my wife alone. I could get hit by a bus, too, but I still
go out on the street. I suppose that, in spite of my vasectomy,
my religious condom use, and the fact that most of my
female partners are on the pill, I could somehow get
somebody pregnant. I could hit a child with my car, too,
but I still drive... carefully.
I will tell you that no child of mine would live in a "fucked
up" environment if I could help it... and there are lots
of ways of helping it.
... and now the surprise ending. You're right that there
are a lot of fucked up people pursuing "alternative
lifestyles". Partly that's because there are lot of fucked up
people in all lifestyles. Partly it's because
fucked up people tend to try unusual things, perhaps
feeling that they have nothing to lose. Partly it's because
people react to unusual situations in ways they don't expect,
maybe because they don't know their own emotions well
enough going in... and sex is almost guaranteed to tweak those
emotions in a lot of ways.
I would never advise anybody to push herself
into polyamory, or swinging, or anything sexually unusual.
Some people just don't work that way, and forcing
yourself to do something that doesn't work for you is
likely to make things end up in the worst possible way.
There's no moral obligation to do things the way I do
them; do what's comfortable for you.
What you need to understand is that not
everybody doing these things is fucked up, or delusional,
or thoughtless, or whatever. For some of us, it just works.
[ Parent ]