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HOWTO: Kill Your Friend and Steal his Girlfriend

By j1mmy in Culture
Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 09:35:04 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

Ever been jealous of your best friend's better half? Ever wished you had a best friend with a better half of whom to be jealous? Bored? If you answered any of these questions in any way, keep reading.


Table of Contents
  1. Introduction
    1. Requirements
    2. The Author
    3. Disclaimer
  2. The Search
    1. What to Look For
    2. At School
    3. At Work
    4. At the Homeless Shelter
  3. The Investigation
    1. Making Contact
    2. Establishing a Dialogue
    3. Determining the Level of Commitment
  4. The Betrayal
    1. Preparations
    2. Suicide
    3. Accident
    4. Random Violence
  5. The Big Score
  6. Final Thoughts
Introduction

This HOWTO is intended help antisocial types find false love through unnecessary carnage. All other readers should move on to less sociopathic endeavors. It should be noted that this is perfectly applicable to any other combination of sexes and orientations. I'm writing this from my own perspective for familiarity's sake.

Requirements

The steps laid out in this HOWTO will require that you leave your computer. If you cannot do this for some reason, this HOWTO cannot help you.

The Author

The author is not a psychopath and is definitely not planning to kill any of his friends, especially the one with the cool girlfriend with the sexy forehead.

Disclaimer

The author of this HOWTO does not necessarily advocate premeditated murder. I assume no responsibility for how the reader chooses to use the information in this HOWTO.

The Search

If you already have a friend with a girlfriend identified, skip ahead to the next section.

What to Look For

Before you can get the girlfriend, you need to get the friend. Chances are you already have a few friends -- most people do, whether they like it or not. The key is that at least one of these friends needs to have a girlfriend in which you are interested.

The ideal friend has two qualities: sociable and insecure. A sociable friend is more likely to have a girlfriend, possibly an interesting one. If you yourself are sociable, you're wasting your time reading this. You should really just put that sociableness to good work and get a girlfriend without all the criminal intent.

The insecurity aspect is also important. What you're looking for is the alpha-minus male. A guy that's smart, funny, friendly, etc. but still has an unhealthy amount of self-doubt lurking just beneath the surface. These types tend to surround themselves with less smart, funny or friendly people (such as yourself) to elevate their own standing in any give group of humans. This is the kind of guy you need to find.

At School

Are you in high school? Give up. Wait for college.

Are you in college? Now we're getting somewhere. Unless you go to some miserable liberal arts school in the middle of Buttfuck, McNowhere, you should have a decent social scene and a set of sociable people to work with. It shouldn't be too hard to find an alpha-minus male. They're more common than you might expect. Check around your dorm. There might even be one down the hall. You might even be rooming with one. Try hanging around them, enough to make yourself noticed and feel like a part of the gang.

It won't take much time before the friend confides in you to some degree. The more substances you abuse with your friend, the faster the process will go. It's suprisingly easy to earn people's trust after a long night of sucking the glass dick. Just tell them what they want to hear and they'll march with you to gates of hell, drunk or otherwise.

At Work

The workplace can be just as easy. There's inevitably some self-conscious prick that likes to go out drinking and clubbing on a regular basis. He may even invite you from time to time. If that doesn't happen, drop hints:

You: Hey I've heard about that place. They're supposed to have a great DJ.
Friend: Dude DJ Horrorpenis is the bomb! We're going tonight. Wanna come with?

See how easy that was? As with college, you don't have to spend much time with this person -- just enough to earn their trust. Other good opportunities are holiday parties at the office, work outings, and work sports teams.

At the Homeless Shelter

I want my change back. Then we'll talk.

The Investigation

If you already know the girlfriend fairly well, skip to the next section.

Making Contact

So you've found Mr. I've-Got-A-Girlfriend but you haven't met Ms. I'm-The-Girlfriend yet. Your paths may cross eventually, but it's more fun to make her come to you.

Try organizing a girlfriend-friendly social gathering like a Barbeque or a dinner outing. Local theater is also a good choice, if any good productions are running. Something casual like this is a good start. Avoid strip clubs, especially the one where your mom works.

If the girlfriend lives in another town, find out if she'll be visiting anytime soon. If your friend isn't sure about her schedule, ask for her phone number, e-mail, IM handle, or any other form of contact information. If your friend is reluctant about giving out such information, tell him you were going to plan a surprise birthday party for him or something and you wanted her to come as a surprise. Another option is to obtain the information yourself, through caller-id, hacking, etc. Establishing contact and a dialogue is a must.

Establishing a Dialogue

First of all, don't be yourself! Be somebody interesting instead. Remember, she's dating your friend because he's not an introverted dork like yourself. If you can't entertain her with your own imagination, go with some more banal conversation bits like this one:

You: Did you see that major motion picture that opened last week?
Her: Why yes, I did see that major motion picture. I thought the lead actress performed admirably.

You have to be careful not to try too hard. It will likely show:

You: I especially liked how her struggle against the hyper-dystopian oligarchy contrasted with the thematic interplay of Marxist doctrine and Judeo-Christian mythology.
Her: what

Not only have you lost her in a blur of words you saw in a Cliff Note's once, you've effectively put a halt to the conversation. She doesn't know how to respond. Keep it simple, sub-genius:

You: Her breasts are of excellent proportion and volume. I find yours to be of comparable quality.
Her: Thanks!

That's more like it. It's just as important to earn the girlfriend's trust as it is to earn the friend's trust.

Determining the Level of Commitment

The best relationship you can hope for is that of the sex puppet. The sex puppet relationship is essentially a one-night stand revisited ad infinitum. The pair likely met at a party, bar or club and went home for a drunken romp. They've been together ever since, for no particular reason. Neither partner's commitment to the relationship is terribly strong, which is good.

If the nature of the relationship isn't glaringly obvious, poke and prod at both of them. Why both of them? You really shouldn't care what your friend thinks of the girlfriend, but it's often good material if you need to spread some. You obviously want to know how the girlfriend feels, because as a trusted friend, that's the sort of thing you'd be doing.

The Betrayal

This is where the real fun starts.

There are plenty of ways to kill a man, but too many of them involve getting caught. I won't go into an exhaustive discussion of getting away with murder here, but I provide three to get you started. Two of these options are passive murders and generally won't yield much of an investigation, a good thing. You want as little attention from the cops as possible. The third gets the job done.

Preperations

It's a good idea to wear gloves and a hat while doing any of these things, or even preparing to do them. It only takes one fingerprint or one loose hair to ruin everything.

You also need to pick a date and time for the slaying. Late at night is often best, between three and four a.m. It's also a good idea if the girlfriend is not around the night of the slaying. This prevents unnecessary complications. Weekdays are generally a better choice because less police are on patrol. Friday is at a disadvantage in that respect, but has the added benefit that nobody may notice the friend is missing until Monday.

Witnesses are especially bad. If anyone does witness your actions, you may have to kill them.

Suicide

The suicide note should be typed and should include no mention of the girlfriend, save an apology. Type it because you have no chance of recreating the friend's handwriting to any reasonable degree of accuracy. Don't mention the girlfriend to prevent her undue grief that she may somehow be responsible.

The easiest method here is poison. Slip something in your friend's drink or food. If they're not at home when you do this, make sure it's a slow-acting poison. When they are dead at home, prop him up on the toilet and pour lots of the poison down his throat. Set the note on the floor with the bottle of poison on top.

Accident

If your friend has a car, get him drunk and send him on his way. Sure, he might take out a few other people, but what do you care? The only way this can backfire is if the friend kills you or the girlfriend in the process. If this doesn't work after three tries or so, it's probably not going to work out. Move on.

Random Violence

First, get a knife. Avoid guns, since they leave bullets and retrieving bullets is difficult. The ideal knife will be a common brand of kitchen knife from a national chain of retail outlets. Unique or rare weapons are too easy to trace. You'll want to drop the knife in a dumpster far from the friend's residence.

Then break into your friend's home. Slice the throat first (it's actually pretty tough, use both hands) to keep the friend silent. Some more stabs and slices should finish him for good. When done with that, steal small electronics and media. Any movies, cd's, small audio equipment, laptop, etc. should leave with you. You want to make this look like a robbery gone awry.

Dump the stolen items in other dumpsters far from the friend's home. Ideally, different dumpsters from the murder weapon. You don't want to be caught with any of this stuff, and if it is found, it's best not found all in the same place.

Because of all the dumping you'll have to do, it's worthwhile to figure out trash pickup schedules for a number of potential dumpsters. This way you can dump the weapon and loot before trash day, confident that it will disappear into the city dump before anybody has any idea where to find it.

The Big Score

The friend is eating dirt and the girlfriend is noticably upset about it. Remember when you determined the level of commitment? That can help you gauge the grieving period. Early on, you need to be supportive, consoling her and offering to help her in any way.

As she moves on, so should you. Start inviting her to lunch, "just to talk." Call her every now and then to see how she's doing. Make yourself present in her life. She's on the rebound of a lifetime and this is your big opening. If you're there for her, she can draw strength from you to help cope with her loss. She'll appreciate that.

As more time passes, she'll begin to appreciate you more and more. The key is to stick it out. You had the patience to come this far, a little more waiting isn't going to kill you. The lunch getogethers turn into dinner getogethers and then dinner dates and eventually wild, bestial fucking. And there you are, with your new girlfriend. Congratulations!

Final Thoughts

The following are just a few tips to help the process go as smoothly as possible.

First and foremost: avoid married couples. Killing a man and stealing his wife always has a retarded daytime-TV ending with a long-lost evil twin showing up and killing you or raping you or both. It's also good practice to avoid couples that are engaged. In either one of these situations, the emotional impact to the girlfriend will be too much for you to work with in any meaningful way. The chances of building a solid relationship out of her loss are slim to none.

I cannot stress gloves and a hat enough. I'm well aware of how easy it is to life a fingerprint off almost anything or anyone. Don't even get me started on the amount of DNA in one lousy hair.

If you lose interest in the girlfriend before the murder, kill your friend anyway. It's good practice.

Once you've got the girlfriend, look out! Chances are some other geek likes her and is willing to spill an ocean of your blood just to have her.

Author's Note: If this story generates enough positive feedback, I'll craft a more detailed article on the section that receives the most votes in the poll. Enjoy!

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Poll
I'm interested in more detail on ...
o The Search 5%
o The Investigation 13%
o The Betrayal 27%
o The Big Score 30%
o Never waste our time with your idiocy again. 24%

Votes: 313
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o Also by j1mmy


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HOWTO: Kill Your Friend and Steal his Girlfriend | 94 comments (72 topical, 22 editorial, 0 hidden)
A gun would work (3.66 / 3) (#4)
by theElectron on Fri Oct 25, 2002 at 10:01:11 PM EST

Either frangible rounds or a shotgun. Still a horrendously bad idea, though.

--
Join the NRA!
Amateur! (3.33 / 3) (#10)
by bjlhct on Fri Oct 25, 2002 at 10:30:58 PM EST

All wrong!
*

kur0(or)5hin - drowning your sorrows in intellectualism

yeah, right (4.00 / 1) (#16)
by h2odragon on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 08:13:29 AM EST

Your intended victim may like his pokeberry salad, lots of people swear by it. Attempting to fire a drilled hollowpoint is likely to remove any possibility of further punishment by the legal system. Any attack dog who'se neck you can break by hand isn't going to impede your activities any less if you let him continue chewing on your arm.

Those were just a few of the things that made me giggle while glancing at that book. Its a sad day when the significant fraction of human knowledge that is the internet can't offer better quality information than this.

[ Parent ]

That's the point. (duh?) (3.00 / 1) (#23)
by bjlhct on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 01:01:45 PM EST

I know...I post that here, in a humor article, because of how much of a fuss such a ridiculous thing made. I thank the author for giving me a good laugh, and for helping out mystery writers. But what's really sad is that some people couldn't tell. Maybe I should use <sarcasm></sarcasm> <irony></irony> too. =(
*

kur0(or)5hin - drowning your sorrows in intellectualism
[ Parent ]

emotional tags (3.00 / 1) (#25)
by h2odragon on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 02:33:20 PM EST

maybe we both should use <sarcasm> tags, eh?

[ Parent ]
"too" - ah, delicious ambiguity (none / 0) (#31)
by bjlhct on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 09:38:26 PM EST

NT
*

kur0(or)5hin - drowning your sorrows in intellectualism
[ Parent ]

Can I blame you... (2.75 / 4) (#11)
by Stick on Fri Oct 25, 2002 at 11:16:53 PM EST

If I get caught?


---
Stick, thine posts bring light to mine eyes, tingles to my loins. Yea, each moment I sit, my monitor before me, waiting, yearning, needing your prose to make the moment complete. - Joh3n
Don't waste your time. (5.00 / 10) (#12)
by j1mmy on Fri Oct 25, 2002 at 11:30:35 PM EST

Blame video games or Hollywood. They've got way more money than I do.

[ Parent ]
Do us all a favor... (5.00 / 4) (#35)
by Rasman on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 02:00:57 AM EST

...and blame Shakespeare! Maybe the government will ban it from our schools!

Ref: comment #2

---
Brave. Daring. Fearless. Clippy - The Clothes Pin Stuntman
[ Parent ]
Another favor (5.00 / 5) (#43)
by Edgy Loner on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:12:48 PM EST

Since you are being so generous, get tons of country and western CDs and wear cowboy stuff and a dinner plate sized belt buckle. Maybe they will ban that crap too.

This is not my beautiful house.
This is not my beautiful knife.
[ Parent ]
Bad press (3.50 / 2) (#51)
by TurboThy on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 02:39:49 PM EST

Actually, I once read an interview with the president of White Wolf Games ("Vampire: The Masquerade", "Mage: The Ascension") who told the reporter that their biggest sales boom came a short time after a psycho US teen killed some random people and were pulled over by the police with the boot full of White Wolf's RPG books.
__
'Someone will sig this comment. They will. I know it.' [Egil Skallagrimson]
[ Parent ]
important safety tip (4.75 / 8) (#13)
by martingale on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 02:46:32 AM EST

Also, in the initial planning phase, think twice about the deed if, when visiting your friend and his girlfriend at home, they have a tendency to mention "the gimp".

re: important safety tip (4.50 / 2) (#47)
by Drooling Iguana on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:56:57 PM EST

Whst should their preference in image manipulation software have to do with anything?

[ Parent ]
Eh? Sexy Forehead? (4.07 / 13) (#15)
by kimpton on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 04:07:33 AM EST

Your friend has a girlfriend with a sexy forehead? What are you? Klingons? That the best thing about her? I don't want to get into a list of the top ten sexiest body parts, but forehead aint in mine.

Aw, c'mon (2.25 / 4) (#18)
by Otto Surly on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 11:09:17 AM EST

Check out that sexxxy forehead!

--
I can't wait to see The Two Towers. Man, that Legolas chick is hot.
[ Parent ]
I can think of how a forehead could be sexy... (4.33 / 3) (#80)
by toganet on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 01:19:19 PM EST

But only if it's prosthetic.

Johnson's law: Systems resemble the organizations that create them.


[ Parent ]
There are better ways to do it friend. (3.33 / 3) (#19)
by BecomeDeath on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 11:25:51 AM EST

In the end though I suppose it doesn't matter, I'll be there to clean up.

Ton Ami En Mort,
GR

Do this and you will have plenty of dates (1.12 / 16) (#20)
by HidingMyName on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 11:37:13 AM EST

In prison, with big strong guys who have plenty of time on their hands. The Author may be there next to you so you can double date. I give this -1 for suggesting something illegal (even if it is meant as a parody, you just need 1 nutcase to take the ideas seriously and then you'll be in court).

"even if it is meant as a parody"??? (5.00 / 2) (#26)
by gazbo on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 03:13:13 PM EST

Re-ee-tard.
When the crowd say Bo!
Selecta.

-----
Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

[ Parent ]

Bah (5.00 / 3) (#37)
by carbon on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 03:51:20 AM EST

Even if it is meant as a parody, you just need 1 nutcase to take the ideas seriously and then you'll be in court.

It's my feeling that most courts wouldn't accept the classic "Kuro5hin made me do it!" defense. You're responsible for your own actions; humor does not cause murder. And before someone accuses me of being a gun-nut, this isn't even close to the argument against gun control: whereas a gun can actually be used as a tool to kill someone, this article does not in any way make assist in the process of commiting murder. Ligthen up!


Wasn't Dr. Claus the bad guy on Inspector Gadget? - dirvish
[ Parent ]
You know... (4.00 / 3) (#45)
by nusuth on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:51:00 PM EST

It didn't occur to me before reading your post that this is actually possible. Thank you for sharing your insight! Now I know what I must do to sleep with her.

[ Parent ]
Prison rape is not funny. (4.71 / 7) (#58)
by dissonant on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 07:53:48 PM EST

There are many documented cases in the US of people being thrown in prison for <30 days for misdemeanors or minor felonies (oftentimes victimless crimes, like drug possession) who have inadvertantly recieved death sentences due to the negligence of wardens in prevention of HIV transmission via prison rape.<br>
Something needs to be done about it, and the first step is to get people to take it seriously. It's not a joke. People die.

[ Parent ]
use a condom. (n/t) (2.33 / 3) (#61)
by j1mmy on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 09:28:29 PM EST



[ Parent ]
no, its not funny... (2.33 / 3) (#64)
by NightHwk1 on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 11:12:28 PM EST

but it doesn't bother me much when it happens to murderers and rapists in prison. unfortunately, i don't think they are usually the ones on the receiving end.

[ Parent ]
Sadly both happen too often (none / 0) (#82)
by HidingMyName on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 04:31:21 PM EST

Both prisoner rape and people killing over jealousy are more common than most people realize. Neither are funny. The former is a likely consequence of doing the latter.

And if you think that prison rape only happens to criminals, remember that innocent people get arrested and often spend dangerous (and often long) time imprisoned before their trial.

[ Parent ]

Stay the hell away from me, j1mmy (3.83 / 12) (#21)
by tuxedo-steve on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 12:12:29 PM EST

Slice the throat first (it's actually pretty tough, use both hands) to keep the friend silent.
Okay: on reflection, I suppose a live human throat would be pretty tough. However, that doesn't seem to me to be the kind of general knowledge fact that would spring to mind unless you've thought about this real hard, or actually done it once or twice yourself.

Stay the hell away from me, j1immy, I'm on to your game, and you aren't getting your murderous little paws on me or my significant O. Humour topic my ass.

That is to say, nice article. :)

- SMJ - (It's not just a name - it's a bad aftertaste.)
actually (5.00 / 7) (#28)
by Run4YourLives on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 03:54:46 PM EST

trying to slice someone's throat could lead to them waking up and possible overpowering you... at any rate, the signs of a struggle left on *you* could lead to evidence to be used against you... better to stab the knife through the neck (from the side) which will result in instant death and a slight gurgling sound. (I know this from being in the army, you can stop monitoring me now, FBI)

It's slightly Japanese, but without all of that fanatical devotion to the workplace. - CheeseburgerBrown
[ Parent ]
SNAFU! (4.66 / 3) (#42)
by Sunir on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:11:59 PM EST

The motivation was a robbery gone wrong. If the victim was sleeping and you silently slit their throat, the explanation for the killing gets a lot more complicated. As in, why did the "robber" kill this person in cold blood? Then friends of the victim get interviewed for a long time, distracting your attention from the most important thing: getting the chick! Also, the girlfriend would not get any closure as long as the homicide case remained open and unrationalizable, leaving your task as the stalker a bit more difficult than you planned.

This sounds like a good Columbo murder mystery to me.

"Look! You're free! Go, and be free!" and everyone hated it for that. --r
[ Parent ]

Once you've committed murder (4.88 / 17) (#24)
by willj on Sat Oct 26, 2002 at 01:16:19 PM EST

and have bagged the girl (maybe a few times). What's to stop somebody from doing this to you. A good idea of a followup article would be how to prevent this from happening.

Subsequent Article Suggestion (4.33 / 6) (#41)
by Dph on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 10:45:57 AM EST

Damnit, most of my friends are girls.  I need the next article to be 'How to Off the Boyfriend of a Girl and Take his Place.'

Dan.

In that case (4.50 / 2) (#46)
by nusuth on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:55:01 PM EST

You have a headstart. Start at step III-c.

[ Parent ]
Other variant (none / 0) (#89)
by Ranieri on Wed Oct 30, 2002 at 07:26:18 AM EST

How to murder your girlfriend and get together with her best friend.
--
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
i think this is not healthy (1.28 / 14) (#44)
by turmeric on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 12:38:51 PM EST

THIS PLACE, ROTTING, corpses, laughter,
no.


The killing someone bit (4.00 / 4) (#48)
by SurferRosa1134 on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 01:18:35 PM EST

Yeah - nice. The best way to kill your friend is detailed amazingly here: http://www.die.net/prose/hitman/ Iain

Fingerprints and DNA... (4.16 / 6) (#49)
by dJCL on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 01:47:30 PM EST

You mention watch the fingerprints and the DNA samples, but there is one fact to watch out for... I heard on a TV crime show(Exhibit A) that more crimes are solved because of foot prints than finger prints, this include(well duh!) with the shoe on, no one check their shoes. So add a bit to that about buy a pair of used shoes at some cheap used clothing place and toss them along with the rest.

you are not really worried about plakes of skin and the like because they can detect it, but you are his friend, and visit his house all the time, so that is no problem, even the hair probably would not matter, but the hat is still good to help blur your identity if seen.

my sig was too long, and getting annoying, so this is all you get. deal with it.

Best bet: pirate hat.... (n/t) (1.00 / 1) (#59)
by jmzero on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 08:58:49 PM EST


.
"Let's not stir that bag of worms." - my lovely wife
[ Parent ]
And an eye patch (none / 0) (#93)
by Liet on Sat Apr 12, 2003 at 05:56:44 AM EST

......you know you want to.

You can do pirate impressions too, arrr.

[ Parent ]

FYI on the throat slitting... (4.42 / 14) (#50)
by jtdubs on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 02:25:04 PM EST

It's actually not as effective as you'd like to think.  You'd be surprised how long someone can make very audible gurgleing noises for after their throat has been slit.

A better, quieter option is to stab them in the back of the neck, between the first and second vertebrae.  The knife will insert more easily than with the throat and there will be little noise of any kind as the brain is now separated from the body.  With a little practice you can hit the correct spot on the back of the neck with remarkable accuracy.

Justin Dubs

Chemical agents (3.66 / 3) (#74)
by Kintanon on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 09:31:36 AM EST

I've always been fond of chloroform and then the suicide hanging. With any luck they won't even wake up!

Also, get some hair, skin, etc... from someone you don't like if you are going to go with the random violence part. Leave that laying about. It helps to confuse the evidence as much as possible.

Kintanon

[ Parent ]

Morons (1.45 / 11) (#52)
by tacomacide on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 02:59:00 PM EST

"Blah blah blah. I wouldn't do it that way, I would do it THIS way!" Anybody that kills for a woman is a pussy, an idiot, and deserves the death sentence.

*** ANONYMIZED ***

Killing for a woman (5.00 / 5) (#53)
by bodrius on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 03:10:42 PM EST

Killing for a woman has a long, distinguished tradition in Western culture (and some others).

Perhaps it's idiotic, and/or cowardly. But if you really want to kill someone, a woman is always a great excuse, or even a hook for rationalization and self-justification.
Freedom is the freedom to say 2+2=4, everything else follows...
[ Parent ]

Dude, Bro's Before Ho's. [nt] (2.66 / 3) (#56)
by Emissary on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 06:31:19 PM EST



"Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
[ Parent ]
Tell that to Paris (nt) (none / 0) (#90)
by Ranieri on Wed Oct 30, 2002 at 07:28:25 AM EST


--
Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
[ Parent ]
He had no choice. (none / 0) (#91)
by Emissary on Thu Oct 31, 2002 at 03:19:47 AM EST

Off the top of my head, he was offered the most beautiful woman in the world, great prowess in battle, and something else. No Bro's anywhere in there; Eris kind of screwed him on that one.

"Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
[ Parent ]
tradition my dick (2.00 / 2) (#71)
by tacomacide on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 02:39:15 AM EST

Unless you're doing it indirectly or from a distance, I don't think murder is cowardly.

Killing for a woman is not a great excuse, unless you're defending her. This guy is talking about killing a friend when he doesn't even know if the girlfriend likes him or not! Why not just rape her a few times?!! You'd get a lesser prison sentence*.

*: Sex offenders are marks in prison. At least if you commit murder, you be feared a little, and I think the most chance that a kuro5hin member has of being feared in prison as a s.o. is if they build a rail gun out of a tape deck or something.

*** ANONYMIZED ***
[ Parent ]

Not just the west, either (5.00 / 4) (#76)
by dipipanone on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 10:52:34 AM EST

I've heard it said that the *only* reason that Osama bin Laden planned 9/11 was so that he could impress some new chick on the block.

--
Suck my .sig
[ Parent ]
What if you kill tacoma? (4.66 / 3) (#57)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 07:48:26 PM EST

See parent commenters name if you don't get it.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour
[ Parent ]
Worked perfectly (4.20 / 5) (#54)
by squigly on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 04:50:06 PM EST

There is one snag though.  Since I tried this, and followed the steps to the letter, I've been followed around by a short raincoat wearing detective.

The guy doesn't seem too smart though.  I think I've outfoxed him.  Perhaps I should try to take one more step to cover my tracks.  

date rape (4.00 / 7) (#55)
by dorksport on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 04:54:15 PM EST

If you want her so badly, take her out for a night of drinks and roophies, then before she tells him, shamefully admit to the boyfriend that you betrayed his trust and had sex with her. He will never believe her story, and netiher will anyone else.

Ps. Take careful note as to not put her panties on backwards, this seems to be the classic slip up for date-rapists

Just Kill Her (4.00 / 3) (#67)
by Bios_Hakr on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:21:14 AM EST

Instead of raping her and letting her go back to him, just kill her after.  Maybe before if you're freaky like that.

Just use a condom and shave your pubes to prevent that annoying DNA thingy...

[ Parent ]

Not roophies..... (5.00 / 3) (#77)
by Zapateria on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 10:57:39 AM EST

....we prefer "date enhancement drugs".

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams
[ Parent ]
A little trick (4.20 / 5) (#79)
by doctordank on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:52:43 PM EST

Take careful note as to not put her panties on backwards

Just remember: Brown stain in back, yellow stain in front.
Easy as 1-2-3

[ Parent ]
Here's how I would take care of the DNA (5.00 / 5) (#60)
by gmol on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 09:23:04 PM EST

I've always wondered if there are a bunch of people commiting crimes out there who are really good and get acquitted cause the DNA tests rule them out...

Were I to commit a crime I would bring along some tasty DNA munching enzyme and spray it all over the place.

You'd have a tough time doing any kind of DNA amplifcation (needed to correlate the DNA at the crime with the person) when you have that stuff contaminating everything...

Wow ... (5.00 / 3) (#62)
by jeduthun on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 09:28:44 PM EST

And a liter of the stuff will only set you back $220,000!

That, and whatever it costs to run your -20°c freezer.

(-:



[ Parent ]
Grow your own (5.00 / 2) (#78)
by gmol on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:51:50 PM EST

Commercial enzymes are really overpriced, you get quality assurance and everything which is important, but not for the application in mind.

I think I have like $100000 worth of Pfu that a friend made and purified from the construct.

[ Parent ]

Other Ways (5.00 / 4) (#65)
by Bios_Hakr on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:12:23 AM EST

How about wearing a clean-suit. If that is impractical, you could get a lot of samples by mixing hair cuttings with talcum powder. Just spray that crap everywhere and watch CSI go crazy trying to catalogue everything. My own personal fav is to shave your head (yes, all of it), wear new clothes, wear rubber gloves, and stretch latex gloves over your shoes to mask the tread. Afterwards, burn everything and bury it in a deep hole in a wilderness area.

[ Parent ]
Or... (none / 0) (#83)
by phuzz on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 06:32:05 PM EST

take one of those little hand held vacums on the bus/train etc, vacum up all the dead skin of a million people (mmm, lovely thought) then empty the bag all over the crime scene, thus contaminating it.  
Cheap, pratical and easy, i predict a spree of crimes using the above method causing the breakdown in society as we know it.

[ Parent ]
Another idea. (none / 0) (#85)
by hooloovoo on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 09:23:18 PM EST

Get a bunch of hair clipping from a barber shop, and sprinkle them around...

[ Parent ]
One problem with that... (none / 0) (#92)
by codespace on Thu Oct 31, 2002 at 05:31:49 AM EST

The latex glove will indeed mask the tread from a visual inspection, but when you walk, the pressure will still be at all the points on the tread, leaving the same footprints, slightly smudged.

What you really want to do is buy a pair of galoshes, Keds, or wear fuzzy bunny slippers.

_____
today on how it's made: kitchen knives, mannequins, socks and hypodermic needles.
[ Parent ]

I nominate j1mmy as Best Person On The Internet. (4.60 / 10) (#63)
by Emissary on Sun Oct 27, 2002 at 10:25:39 PM EST

If you haven't read it yet, this should convince you.

"Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
Having read the linked comment... (2.75 / 4) (#68)
by tuxedo-steve on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:31:28 AM EST

... I wholeheartedly second that nomination. Dude, you're getting a Pulitzer!

- SMJ - (It's not just a name - it's a bad aftertaste.)
[ Parent ]
Thank you both (n/t) (3.66 / 3) (#73)
by j1mmy on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 08:01:20 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Damn..... (none / 0) (#94)
by Liet on Sat Apr 12, 2003 at 06:05:00 AM EST

that has to be the best comment i have ever read!

[ Parent ]
This Really Works! (4.20 / 5) (#69)
by resquad on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 12:44:19 AM EST

Thanks!


-----------
"I WIN THE END!" -Me
If you're too lily-livered... (4.75 / 4) (#70)
by Greyjack on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 01:55:08 AM EST

Can't handle the thought of killing?  Well, you could always try stealing her instead.

--
Here is my philosophy: Everything changes (the word "everything" has just changed as the word "change" has: it now means "no change") --Ron Padgett


Oh Man (5.00 / 2) (#81)
by tetsuwan on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 01:55:16 PM EST

I should have read this two years ago. I was doin' the totally right thing - and then I just blew it hard time. For real.

Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance
[ Parent ]

I vote 'Evidence Avoidance' (4.80 / 5) (#72)
by darkonc on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 02:46:36 AM EST

I think you need more detail than just "Hat and gloves". I followed all of your instructions (up to when I was arrested), and my trial is in 6 weeks. I'm surprised that they filed charges this quickly. They're even proceeding by Direct indictment.

On the bright side, it's only for second-degree murder (non-capital).

(the signature has been the same since I got this account, BTW).
Killing a person is hard. Killing a dream is murder. : : : ($3.75 hosting)

Suggestions for next installment (4.80 / 10) (#75)
by jayhawk88 on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 10:48:53 AM EST

HOWTO: Kill rich relatives after gaining their love, trust, and power of attorney.

After all, love is fleeting, but money can make you 25% annually if invested wisely.

Why, then, should we grant government the Orwellian capability to listen at will and in real time to our communications across the Web? -- John Ashcroft
Well, as an alpha-minus male... (5.00 / 2) (#84)
by phylum on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 08:21:24 PM EST

with a hot girlfriend, I think that...

Oh, hi Ken. How are you? I wasn't expecting you. Uh, what's up with the big knife, Ken? What in the the hell... grrgl... spl... blghrh...

-phylum

The Frame Up! (3.66 / 3) (#86)
by Dixiqueen on Mon Oct 28, 2002 at 11:39:35 PM EST

If you really want to make sure you're not caught then frame your enemies! It's easy! Just plant their hairs and fibre from their clothes on the scene of the crime! If at all possible you could also plant some of the stuff you stole in their homes. It's best to try and organise some kind of argument between the friend you're trying to kill and the enemy you're trying to frame. For example - Begin a rumor that your friend took the enemies girlfriend home the other night. Then the night after the confrontation between the two, that's when you strike! I think about these things too much! I'm sick!

Frame up = bad idea (5.00 / 1) (#88)
by LobsterGun on Tue Oct 29, 2002 at 10:37:31 AM EST

Don't try the frame up.  It's just an additional detail that can go wrong.  In order to convince investigators of your enemies involvement you will need to provide them proof that your enemy had the means, motive, and opportunity to commit the murder.  If you can't establish all three they may detect your frame-up.  The next question they will ask is, "Who would want to frame this guy?"  Your name may come up.  Now they have two connections to you : friend of the victim and enemy of the framed.

Now add circumstancial evidence to that such as: you cannot account for your whereabouts during the time the crime was commited, you're dating the victim's girlfriend, someone saw you going through the trash at your enemies house when you were getting the physical evidence to plant.  Suddenly your name shoots right to the top of the suspect list.  

[ Parent ]

Avoiding forensics (4.75 / 4) (#87)
by Aimaz on Tue Oct 29, 2002 at 06:07:35 AM EST

To really throw the forensics, get some hair from the floor of your hairdresser, preferably a unisex hairdresser. Sprinkle it lightly around the crime scene. That way there will be so much extra "evidence" they'll never find your hairs. Aimaz

HOWTO: Kill Your Friend and Steal his Girlfriend | 94 comments (72 topical, 22 editorial, 0 hidden)
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