Table of Contents
- The Author
- The Search
- What to Look For
- At School
- At Work
- At the Homeless Shelter
- The Investigation
- Making Contact
- Establishing a Dialogue
- Determining the Level of Commitment
- The Betrayal
- Random Violence
- The Big Score
- Final Thoughts
This HOWTO is intended help antisocial types find false love through unnecessary carnage. All other readers should move on to less sociopathic endeavors. It should be noted that this is perfectly applicable to any other combination of sexes and orientations. I'm writing this from my own perspective for familiarity's sake.
The steps laid out in this HOWTO will require that you leave your computer. If you cannot do this for some reason, this HOWTO cannot help you.
The author is not a psychopath and is definitely not planning to kill any of his friends, especially the one with the cool girlfriend with the sexy forehead.
The author of this HOWTO does not necessarily advocate premeditated murder. I assume no responsibility for how the reader chooses to use the information in this HOWTO.
If you already have a friend with a girlfriend identified, skip ahead to the next section.
What to Look For
Before you can get the girlfriend, you need to get the friend. Chances are you already have a few friends -- most people do, whether they like it or not. The key is that at least one of these friends needs to have a girlfriend in which you are interested.
The ideal friend has two qualities: sociable and insecure. A sociable friend is more likely to have a girlfriend, possibly an interesting one. If you yourself are sociable, you're wasting your time reading this. You should really just put that sociableness to good work and get a girlfriend without all the criminal intent.
The insecurity aspect is also important. What you're looking for is the alpha-minus male. A guy that's smart, funny, friendly, etc. but still has an unhealthy amount of self-doubt lurking just beneath the surface. These types tend to surround themselves with less smart, funny or friendly people (such as yourself) to elevate their own standing in any give group of humans. This is the kind of guy you need to find.
Are you in high school? Give up. Wait for college.
Are you in college? Now we're getting somewhere. Unless you go to some miserable liberal arts school in the middle of Buttfuck, McNowhere, you should have a decent social scene and a set of sociable people to work with. It shouldn't be too hard to find an alpha-minus male. They're more common than you might expect. Check around your dorm. There might even be one down the hall. You might even be rooming with one. Try hanging around them, enough to make yourself noticed and feel like a part of the gang.
It won't take much time before the friend confides in you to some degree. The more substances you abuse with your friend, the faster the process will go. It's suprisingly easy to earn people's trust after a long night of sucking the glass dick. Just tell them what they want to hear and they'll march with you to gates of hell, drunk or otherwise.
The workplace can be just as easy. There's inevitably some self-conscious prick that likes to go out drinking and clubbing on a regular basis. He may even invite you from time to time. If that doesn't happen, drop hints:
You: Hey I've heard about that place. They're supposed to have a great DJ.
Friend: Dude DJ Horrorpenis is the bomb! We're going tonight. Wanna come with?
See how easy that was? As with college, you don't have to spend much time with this person -- just enough to earn their trust. Other good opportunities are holiday parties at the office, work outings, and work sports teams.
At the Homeless Shelter
I want my change back. Then we'll talk.
If you already know the girlfriend fairly well, skip to the next section.
So you've found Mr. I've-Got-A-Girlfriend but you haven't met Ms. I'm-The-Girlfriend yet. Your paths may cross eventually, but it's more fun to make her come to you.
Try organizing a girlfriend-friendly social gathering like a Barbeque or a dinner outing. Local theater is also a good choice, if any good productions are running. Something casual like this is a good start. Avoid strip clubs, especially the one where your mom works.
If the girlfriend lives in another town, find out if she'll be visiting anytime soon. If your friend isn't sure about her schedule, ask for her phone number, e-mail, IM handle, or any other form of contact information. If your friend is reluctant about giving out such information, tell him you were going to plan a surprise birthday party for him or something and you wanted her to come as a surprise. Another option is to obtain the information yourself, through caller-id, hacking, etc. Establishing contact and a dialogue is a must.
Establishing a Dialogue
First of all, don't be yourself! Be somebody interesting instead. Remember, she's dating your friend because he's not an introverted dork like yourself. If you can't entertain her with your own imagination, go with some more banal conversation bits like this one:
You: Did you see that major motion picture that opened last week?
Her: Why yes, I did see that major motion picture. I thought the lead actress performed admirably.
You have to be careful not to try too hard. It will likely show:
You: I especially liked how her struggle against the hyper-dystopian oligarchy contrasted with the thematic interplay of Marxist doctrine and Judeo-Christian mythology.
Not only have you lost her in a blur of words you saw in a Cliff Note's once, you've effectively put a halt to the conversation. She doesn't know how to respond. Keep it simple, sub-genius:
You: Her breasts are of excellent proportion and volume. I find yours to be of comparable quality.
That's more like it. It's just as important to earn the girlfriend's trust as it is to earn the friend's trust.
Determining the Level of Commitment
The best relationship you can hope for is that of the sex puppet. The sex puppet relationship is essentially a one-night stand revisited ad infinitum. The pair likely met at a party, bar or club and went home for a drunken romp. They've been together ever since, for no particular reason. Neither partner's commitment to the relationship is terribly strong, which is good.
If the nature of the relationship isn't glaringly obvious, poke and prod at both of them. Why both of them? You really shouldn't care what your friend thinks of the girlfriend, but it's often good material if you need to spread some. You obviously want to know how the girlfriend feels, because as a trusted friend, that's the sort of thing you'd be doing.
This is where the real fun starts.
There are plenty of ways to kill a man, but too many of them involve getting caught. I won't go into an exhaustive discussion of getting away with murder here, but I provide three to get you started. Two of these options are passive murders and generally won't yield much of an investigation, a good thing. You want as little attention from the cops as possible. The third gets the job done.
It's a good idea to wear gloves and a hat while doing any of these things, or even preparing to do them. It only takes one fingerprint or one loose hair to ruin everything.
You also need to pick a date and time for the slaying. Late at night is often best, between three and four a.m. It's also a good idea if the girlfriend is not around the night of the slaying. This prevents unnecessary complications. Weekdays are generally a better choice because less police are on patrol. Friday is at a disadvantage in that respect, but has the added benefit that nobody may notice the friend is missing until Monday.
Witnesses are especially bad. If anyone does witness your actions, you may have to kill them.
The suicide note should be typed and should include no mention of the girlfriend, save an apology. Type it because you have no chance of recreating the friend's handwriting to any reasonable degree of accuracy. Don't mention the girlfriend to prevent her undue grief that she may somehow be responsible.
The easiest method here is poison. Slip something in your friend's drink or food. If they're not at home when you do this, make sure it's a slow-acting poison. When they are dead at home, prop him up on the toilet and pour lots of the poison down his throat. Set the note on the floor with the bottle of poison on top.
If your friend has a car, get him drunk and send him on his way. Sure, he might take out a few other people, but what do you care? The only way this can backfire is if the friend kills you or the girlfriend in the process. If this doesn't work after three tries or so, it's probably not going to work out. Move on.
First, get a knife. Avoid guns, since they leave bullets and retrieving bullets is difficult. The ideal knife will be a common brand of kitchen knife from a national chain of retail outlets. Unique or rare weapons are too easy to trace. You'll want to drop the knife in a dumpster far from the friend's residence.
Then break into your friend's home. Slice the throat first (it's actually pretty tough, use both hands) to keep the friend silent. Some more stabs and slices should finish him for good. When done with that, steal small electronics and media. Any movies, cd's, small audio equipment, laptop, etc. should leave with you. You want to make this look like a robbery gone awry.
Dump the stolen items in other dumpsters far from the friend's home. Ideally, different dumpsters from the murder weapon. You don't want to be caught with any of this stuff, and if it is found, it's best not found all in the same place.
Because of all the dumping you'll have to do, it's worthwhile to figure out trash pickup schedules for a number of potential dumpsters. This way you can dump the weapon and loot before trash day, confident that it will disappear into the city dump before anybody has any idea where to find it.
The Big Score
The friend is eating dirt and the girlfriend is noticably upset about it. Remember when you determined the level of commitment? That can help you gauge the grieving period. Early on, you need to be supportive, consoling her and offering to help her in any way.
As she moves on, so should you. Start inviting her to lunch, "just to talk." Call her every now and then to see how she's doing. Make yourself present in her life. She's on the rebound of a lifetime and this is your big opening. If you're there for her, she can draw strength from you to help cope with her loss. She'll appreciate that.
As more time passes, she'll begin to appreciate you more and more. The key is to stick it out. You had the patience to come this far, a little more waiting isn't going to kill you. The lunch getogethers turn into dinner getogethers and then dinner dates and eventually wild, bestial fucking. And there you are, with your new girlfriend. Congratulations!
The following are just a few tips to help the process go as smoothly as possible.
First and foremost: avoid married couples. Killing a man and stealing his wife always has a retarded daytime-TV ending with a long-lost evil twin showing up and killing you or raping you or both. It's also good practice to avoid couples that are engaged. In either one of these situations, the emotional impact to the girlfriend will be too much for you to work with in any meaningful way. The chances of building a solid relationship out of her loss are slim to none.
I cannot stress gloves and a hat enough. I'm well aware of how easy it is to life a fingerprint off almost anything or anyone. Don't even get me started on the amount of DNA in one lousy hair.
If you lose interest in the girlfriend before the murder, kill your friend anyway. It's good practice.
Once you've got the girlfriend, look out! Chances are some other geek likes her and is willing to spill an ocean of your blood just to have her.
Author's Note: If this story generates enough positive feedback, I'll craft a more detailed article on the section that receives the most votes in the poll. Enjoy!