they're such assholes. Just the other day I was riding my little clown bike to work 60 miles on the freeway, and some asshole in an SUV thought I should get out of the fast lane just because he wanted to go faster. I got there first. I dunno, I think it was an SUV - all cars look like SUV's when you're on a clown bike. Anyway, someone should make those guys pay an extra tax or say they're sorry or something.
It hurts my feelings when I have to call my friends who have SUV's and ask them to help me move when I change apartments. They're not very nice about it, always mentioning my anti-SUV and anti-car activism. Last time I moved, I had to make 60 trips on the bus, because my clown bike got stolen and my both of my friends with gas-guzzling SUV monsters to me to go fuck myself after I got arrested for spraypainting "EARTH RAPER" on some cars that made me mad because they're bigger than I think those people deserve. I made a chart which shows how much car everyone is allowed to have - it's scientific, really, it all depends on how much you recycle and your BMI and if you have any physical challenges and if you help people like me when we need a ride like if it's raining and I have to bring a birthday cake home or something.
I mean, come on, everyone knows that it's not cool to be able to do things - that means you're not helpless, and if you're not helpless, then the government (which is really exactly the same thing as your family and your friends, if you think about it, so you shouldn't be scared) won't be able to control you by giving you things and taking them away if you're good or bad, or if you say things or think things that aren't good to say. Like, it hurt my feelings when my friends said I was a hypocrite when I wanted a ride home from jail after I spraypainted those cars - they should have had to walk to work for a week or two after that to think about how it's not nice to hurt other people's feelings, especially if they're really vulnerable and weepy and helpless and stuff. Besides, other people will help you, they have to, if they want to keep their stuff and not get beaten up, so there's no reason for any one person to be able to get very much done by themselves.
Also, I was thinking, there's no reason to live real far out in the country or something, those people are wasting gas living way out there. Those people who live on farms must waste tons of gas driving all the way into the city to go to the grocery store. EARTH RAPERS, that's what I think. Pretty soon, maybe we'll be able to make it so those bastards will have to give up their trucks and SUVs and stuff and take the bus to work like everyone else.
And another thing - I think everyone with cars should have to tie pillows to their bumpers, I mean, what if they hit somebody, or what if someone who's walking gets distracted or something and walks into a car? It's not safe at all to leave these big hard metal boxes laying around all over the place like that. Also, they're full of gasoline! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? I think that everyone who has a car or an SUV should have to tie pillows to it, and drain out all of the gasoline every time they stop. Maybe we could have special stations all over the city, where people could leave the gas when they're not in their cars, and then come pick it up again when they're going to go drive some more. That would be a lot safer than the way we do it now.
The other thing that concerns me is that it turns out that there's a lot of electricity under the lids of all of those cars. That's crazy! My friend said that cars used to run on 6 volts, which is a lot, if you think about it, but apparently the deadly car industry has been ratcheting up the voltage level over the past 40 years, and now the average car has more than 12 volts running through its wires! That's more than twice what it was in the 1950's .. and what are we doing now that's so different to justify DOUBLING THE DEADLY ELECTRICAL FORCES in our cars? Nothing, that's what. But the automotive death industry doesn't care, they're going to keep doing it until everyone is driving around in little miniature electric chairs, just waiting to fry them if they drive through a puddle or something! Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? It really hurts! Now think of 33% MORE POWER than that, except it's applied to your whole body at once, while you're driving - nobody knows what could happen, but we know it could be really, really dangerous and those guys should be stopped.
So, I call on k5 readers to rise up and demand that we ban all SUV's or have a big tax on them or something, AND tie pillows onto the bumpers of all existing cars, AND drain all of the deadly gasoline out of them while they're parked like ticking timebombs, AND immediately reduce the voltage levels down to 6 volts, maybe going down to 4.5 or 3 volts within a few years. Eventually, we ought to be able to get rid of the electrical thing entirely, and just push the cars around, or maybe get animals like horses or cows to pull them. Rise up, you have nothing to lose but your evil death-chains!