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Kuro5hin Joke Contest(tm)

By InigoMontoya in Culture
Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:11:58 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

Garrison Keillor, on his NPR show Prairie Home Companion, holds an annual joke contest, where listeners submit their best jokes to the show and the funniest of those are read on the air. Why don't we do the same here?

The concept is simple: You post jokes as comments. We rate them, reply to them, just have a ball with this. What are the best jokes you've heard? This is an opportunity for us to have a little laugh (and to post a lot of "LOL" replies) and enjoy yourself.


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Why did the chicken cross the road?
o The road was there. (Existentialist.) 26%
o What does it matter? The road has no intrinsic value and therefore is totally meaningless. (Nihilist.) 24%
o Onion fish hippopotamus space shuttle. (Dadaist.) 29%
o It had already paid the "road-crossing" toll. (Capitalist.) 19%

Votes: 161
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by InigoMontoya

Display: Sort:
Kuro5hin Joke Contest(tm) | 495 comments (478 topical, 17 editorial, 2 hidden)
No fun... (4.09 / 22) (#3)
by segonds on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:25:20 AM EST

Because we like people, please refrain from ethnic humour, racist jokes, homosexual jokes, extreme sexist jokes, et cetera here. That's just not nice, not to mention highly immature.

Is there something else to joke about? Do you want politically correct jokes?

My joke (5.00 / 2) (#244)
by sllort on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:37:59 AM EST

please refrain from ethnic humour, racist jokes, homosexual jokes, extreme sexist jokes
That really narrows it down, but here goes:

Q: What did the deaf, dumb, blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer!

...hope you enjoyed the joke.

Warning: On Lawn is a documented liar.
[ Parent ]
ethnic humor replacement (3.27 / 11) (#6)
by speek on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:33:19 AM EST

A K5'er, a Slashdotter, and an Adequacy Troll walk into a bar...

Which one the idiot is depends on you.

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck -

Huh? (4.85 / 20) (#10)
by Rogerborg on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:48:00 AM EST

I don't get it. What's the Slashdotter doing out of his parent's basement, and where did the Adequacy troll swipe an ID from?

"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs
[ Parent ]

Adequacy is not just nubile teenage girls you know (2.66 / 3) (#115)
by Phillip Asheo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:50:24 PM EST

There are some men of substance connected with it too.

"Never say what you can grunt. Never grunt what you can wink. Never wink what you can nod, never nod what you can shrug, and don't shrug when it ain't necessary"
-Earl Long
[ Parent ]

Unfortunately (4.00 / 3) (#324)
by abdera on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:00:22 PM EST

their substance is controlled in most countries.

#224 [deft-:deft@98A9C369.ipt.aol.com] at least i don't go on aol
[ Parent ]

Punchline (4.62 / 8) (#34)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:19:33 PM EST

A K5'er, a Slashdotter, and an Adequacy Troll walk into a bar...

The bartender comes out and says, "Hey, idiots, the door's over here."

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
[ Parent ]
The Adequacy Troll, probably... (4.41 / 12) (#54)
by pb on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:05:25 PM EST

In almost all jokes of that form, the last person mentioned is the idiot; very rarely, the last person manages to make the other two look like idiots...

K5er: Did you see that article about MySQL today? What a load of crap, everyone knows MySQL lacks the features needed to be a real database!

Slashdotter: I did get First Post, but I didn't really read it; however, if MySQL isn't a real database, how does it run such large websites or whatever?

Adequacy Troll: I wrote that article, and from what I've seen of your websites so far, I'm not impressed at all!

K5er: No you didn't!

Slashdotter: Hey, slashdot is cool!

Adequacy Troll: My work here is done!
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]

My submission (4.10 / 39) (#13)
by Rogerborg on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:55:40 AM EST

In the "worst translation to written format" category:

Knock knock.
  Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
  ¿Interrupting cow w...

"Exterminate all rational thought." - W.S. Burroughs

hs (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by Xcyther on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:45:17 AM EST

thats the funniest thing ive ever heard!

"Insydious" -- It's not as bad as you think

[ Parent ]
The only joke I've ever been able to 'do',actually (3.50 / 2) (#53)
by Fandango on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:02:50 PM EST

For all my life, has been that one! I guess you can fz^k up the timing and it still works :) I guess some people have it and some don't.

[ Parent ]
Along the same lines... (4.00 / 1) (#379)
by DonQuote on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:01:58 PM EST

...is Rowan Atkinson's "Death" knock-knock joke:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Death wh--<ack!>

... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
[ Parent ]
Stupid but still a favorite is (3.55 / 29) (#16)
by Skippy on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:07:15 AM EST

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It's got 2 different punchlines. Feel free to use whichever you prefer.

Punchline 1: Cigarette. Because after dinner you can take him out for a drag.

Punchline 2: It doesn't matter. He isn't going to come anyway.

# I am now finished talking out my ass about things that I am not qualified to discuss. #

Where do you find a dog with no legs? (3.64 / 14) (#27)
by Actifish on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:26:00 PM EST

Right where you left him.
Vivez sans temps mort!
[ Parent ]
What do you call a dog with no hind legs... (4.00 / 6) (#158)
by rantweasel on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:32:18 AM EST

and steel testicles?


[ Parent ]

Best. Joke. Ever. (4.48 / 88) (#17)
by Bob Dog on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:25:21 AM EST

One day a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. So the bartender says to him, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

And the pirate says,  "Arrgh it's driving me nuts!"

That is the best joke ever. (3.75 / 4) (#65)
by terpy on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 04:31:01 PM EST

It circulated around the office several months ago, and "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!" still gets laughs when presented at the proper moment.

why if I were a salesgirl, I'd give you a blowjob -Q
Just what shall I put in my butt tonight? -Joh3n
I don't intend to drink my m
[ Parent ]

Dead Baby (2.39 / 23) (#18)
by JChen on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:33:15 AM EST

Q: How do you fit ten dead babies inside a tub?

A: A blender.

Q: How do you get them out?

A: Nachos.

Let us do as we say.

Why did I laugh? [n/t] (3.00 / 1) (#142)
by blankmind on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:31:47 PM EST

I have been trolled.
[ Parent ]
Obligatory followup (3.00 / 1) (#201)
by akharon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:35:27 AM EST

Q: What's the difference between dead babies and cardboard boxes?

A: You don't use a pitchfork to move cardboard boxes.

[ Parent ]

oh yeah? (none / 0) (#302)
by chopper on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:11:25 PM EST

Q: what's the difference between a garage with a cadillac and a garage full of dead babies?

A: i don't own a cadillac.

give a man a fish,he'll eat for a day

give a man religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish
[ Parent ]

Wrong! Dead babies and blenders. (1.00 / 1) (#336)
by jones77 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:59:33 PM EST

Q: Which way do you put a baby in a blender? A: Feet first so you can see the expression on it's face. Q: How do you get it out? A: With a straw.

[ Parent ]
We already have rec.humor.funny (1.25 / 20) (#19)
by HidingMyName on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:36:30 AM EST

A few jokes here are O.K. but Kuro5hin is not a comedy forum. I voted this down, since rec.humor.funny is a really good forum for comedy and Kuro5hin can't really compete. Furthermore, it will be hard to police jokes for plagiarism, which can open a can of worms with copyright violations.

Has anyone ever told you (2.37 / 8) (#30)
by sticky on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:29:40 PM EST

That you are boring, dull, and no fun at all?

Don't eat the shrimp.---God
[ Parent ]
Sure, but... (4.33 / 3) (#39)
by KOTHP on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:47:27 PM EST

Humor is subjective, and often there is a correlation between a community and a sense of humor. I suspect the jokes that would be submitted and appreciated here are a bit different than the ones that would be found on rec.humor.funny. Also, there's bound to be a lot less spam.

[ Parent ]
People who sue for copyright on a joke.. (5.00 / 5) (#59)
by dark on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:30:47 PM EST

... should be laughed out of court.

[ Parent ]
Stealing Comedy is no Joke :-) (none / 0) (#457)
by HidingMyName on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 07:02:30 PM EST

Comedians often have jokes retold (after all who doesn't like to repeat a funny joke). However, the guy who comes up with the funny joke often deserves to have a chance to make a living off it during stand up, etc. So, while I like a good laugh like the next guy, I still am uncomfortable when a comics material gets posted on the web, especially without attribution.

[ Parent ]
shipwreck (4.16 / 67) (#20)
by speek on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:38:08 AM EST

A big titanic-like ship hits an iceberg and goes down. In one of the lifeboats there are 15 children, a priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer.

As the lifeboat is floating along, it too is struck by an iceberg and starts to take on water. The rabbi counts the lifejackets: 15.

"Gentlemen," the rabbi says. "We've had our chance at life, we should let the children take the lifejackets so they can have their chance."

"Fuck the kids," says the lawyer, grabbing a jacket for himself.

*Pause* as the priest looks at his watch.

"Do you think there's time?"

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck -

Good one, here's something similar (1.00 / 1) (#365)
by easyfrag on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:57:38 PM EST

A priest and a rabbi were driving around town when they come to a red light near a playground full of kids. The priest says: "Lets go screw one of those kids." The rabbi replys: "Out of what?"

[ Parent ]
Dead baby jokes (3.03 / 33) (#21)
by evilpenguin on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:39:31 AM EST

What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream?

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.

What's the difference between a barrel of bowling balls and a barrel of dead babies?
You can't stick a pitchfork in a barrel of bowling balls.

How do you get 100 dead babies into a jar?

How do you get them out?

I'm sorry if these offend some people, but that's kind of the point of dead baby jokes.  Take it for what it is.
# nohup cat /dev/dsp > /dev/hda & killall -9 getty

Not funny - At all. (1.57 / 19) (#28)
by m0rzo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:26:34 PM EST

I'd zero this but I want everyone to see what a fuckwad you are.

My last sig was just plain offensive.
[ Parent ]

How generous of you. (3.66 / 3) (#74)
by evilpenguin on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:36:05 PM EST

I thank you for the opportunity.
# nohup cat /dev/dsp > /dev/hda & killall -9 getty
[ Parent ]
You missed a couple (3.50 / 10) (#44)
by roystgnr on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:31:27 PM EST

Yes, I know I'm going to hell for repeating this:

What's grosser than gross?
Six dead babies in a trash can.

What's grosser than that?
One dead baby in six trash cans.

[ Parent ]

The one with bite! (3.50 / 12) (#58)
by miah on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:28:17 PM EST

Q. How do you make a dead baby float?
A. Root beer and two scoops of dead baby.

Religion is not the opiate of the masses. It is the biker grade crystal meth of the masses.
[ Parent ]
Ah dead baby jokes (4.66 / 3) (#116)
by Biff Cool on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:53:47 PM EST

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's red, white, and silver, and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in it's eyes.

My ass. It's code, with pictures of fish attached. Get over it. --trhurler

[ Parent ]
another (3.50 / 2) (#154)
by sal5ero on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:21:49 AM EST

what's pink and red and sits in the corner getting smaller and redder?

a baby with a vegetable peeler

[ Parent ]
Interesting factoid (4.33 / 3) (#169)
by Pseudonym on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:54:53 AM EST

I knew a Sinologist once who translated a medieval Chinese joke book. Believe it or not, it was full of dead baby jokes.

To cut a long story short, these jokes go back much further and are seen in more cultures than most people seem to realise. What this says about human nature is left as an exercise.

sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f(q{sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f});
[ Parent ]
my favorite (1.00 / 1) (#289)
by tyriphobe on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:32:09 PM EST

What's the difference between a dead baby and a bathtub?
You can't fuck a bathtub.

Heh. Awful.

[ Parent ]

Sick is best (2.91 / 23) (#23)
by rleyton on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:49:25 AM EST

Generally these jokes are best saved until recipients have had at least two or three drinks, and the general conversation is descending into the obligatory drivel and randomness that makes pub conversations so enjoyable.

Drinks are also likely to ensure that anybody offended by the jokes won't remember it beyond the next argument about who's buying the next round.

Q. How do you make a Squirrel go "Woof!"?
A. Soak it in petrol and throw it on a fire.

Q. What's pink and screams?
A. Peeled baby in vinegar.

Ooooooooooooooh! What does this button do!? - DeeDee, Dexters Lab.
My Website

Slightly better (maybe) version of joke 1 (3.75 / 4) (#111)
by Kugyou on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:51:34 PM EST

Q. How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A. Kerosene, match, kitty go "Woof!"
Dust in the wind bores holes in mountains
[ Parent ]
Along those lines... (3.75 / 4) (#125)
by magney on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:44:13 PM EST

Q. How do you make a dog go "Meow"?
A. Dunk it in liquid nitrogen overnight and cut it in half with a circular saw.

Do I look like I speak for my employer?
[ Parent ]

What's black and yellow (2.52 / 21) (#24)
by leviramsey on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:57:57 AM EST

...and filled with little crispies?

A charred school bus.

Aussie Humour (4.00 / 35) (#25)
by Talez on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:00:22 PM EST

Q: How do you know if a Kiwi's broken into your flat?
A: Teethmarks on the leg of lamb and cum all over your sheepskin boots

Q: How does a Kiwi find a sheep in long grass?

Q: Whats long, hard and fucks all Kiwis?
A: High School

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Si in Googlis non est, ergo non est

Kiwi Humour (4.33 / 9) (#193)
by gusnz on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:53:49 AM EST

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look son, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there is North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them, that's going to be a hotspot, while the top and bottom will be frozen. Now, look over here. I've put a continent of white people in the north called Europe, and another one of black people in the south, which I will call Africa."

The Archangel then said, "And what is that long land mass under the cloud there?" And God said, "Ah - that is New Zealand, the land of the long white cloud, and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth; beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then, seeming startled, proclaimed: "Hold on a second. What about the BALANCE - you said there was going to be a balance."

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them."

[ JavaScript / DHTML menu, popup tooltip, scrollbar scripts... ]

[ Parent ]

wankers next door (none / 0) (#449)
by superflex on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 09:36:54 AM EST

There's a similar joke in Canada referring to Americans in the punchline...

[ Parent ]
the welsh (5.00 / 1) (#484)
by muppetspanker on Mon Aug 26, 2002 at 11:59:47 AM EST

over in england, we get a lot of those jokes about the welsh, like: whats the definition of a welsh rec center? a sheep tied to a lamp-post! to which the welsh respond: while we may fill the sheep with spunk, at least we dont eat them.

[ Parent ]
What's better than roses on a piano? (2.94 / 17) (#26)
by speek on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:11:45 PM EST

Tulips on an organ.

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck -

Do it properly! (4.00 / 1) (#220)
by synaesthesia on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:01:09 AM EST

That was a shockingly bad rendition.

For a start, it's "What's better than roses on your piano?", so that the punchline reads "Two lips on your organ".

And yes, you shouldn't assume that everyone speaks with a daft accent: it's better to write "Two lips" because then the pun can be derived from the original context.

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]

In the "tasteless" category: (3.22 / 18) (#29)
by seebs on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:27:27 PM EST

If you have to say "open up the hangar, honey, here comes the airplane", she's too young.

Irish Whiskey (3.95 / 24) (#31)
by m0rzo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:34:03 PM EST

An Irish priest and a Rabbi have a head-on collision, both on their way to their places of worship. Dazed and confused, the priest regains his conciousness first and kicks out the windscreen and pulls himself from the upside-down car. The rabbi's car is smoldering and the situation doesn't look good so the priest runs and drags the rabbi from his car and props him up on the side of the road.

'Heebe Jebus', says the Priest, 'will ye sit still? I's got someting in me gluv-box that'll help ye out, so it will.' The priest forages in his turned-over car and emerges with a bottle of Irish Whiskey, still intact. 'Here ye go, sir, take a few swigs of dis, it'll make ye feel better, so it will.' With that, the Rabbi takes a good, healthy swig of the Whiskey and looks up to thank the priest who's busy chatting on his mobile phone.

'So, won't you please have a drink with me?' says the rabbi to the priest. 'Sure I will.' replied the priest, 'straight after the Police file an accident report!'

My last sig was just plain offensive.

Q/A (3.50 / 50) (#32)
by quartz on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 12:49:24 PM EST

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell knows, they keep jumping out the window when it gets too hot

Q: What is world most efficient airline?
A: American Airlines, leave Boston 8:15...be in your office in New York 8:48!

Q: What's the difference between the attack on New York and the Oklahoma City Bombing?
A: Again foreigners prove they can do it better and more efficiently

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and fuck 'em even if they can.

The people I feel sorry for (4.33 / 12) (#78)
by godix on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:03:33 PM EST

After the whole 9/11 thing you know the people I feel sorriest for? NYC undertakers. Where would you find 5000 caskets 6 feet around and 1 inch deep?

Don't mind the plummeting noise, mojo always makes that sound after I post.

[ Parent ]
Ooooowww (4.00 / 1) (#353)
by Hechz on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:31:58 PM EST

Man couldn't have waited until 15-Sept-2002. Damn as a NYC-er those hurt. But again they are just jokes ;)

[ Parent ]
I like your attitude (4.00 / 1) (#374)
by quartz on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:22:42 PM EST

What 16 years under the second most genocidal dictatorship behind the iron curtain have taught me is that the only psychological defense we have against this kind of disasters is to laugh at them. The unknown Americans who came up with these jokes would probably agree. :)

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and fuck 'em even if they can.
[ Parent ]
Two jokes (4.00 / 23) (#33)
by omegadan on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:08:22 PM EST

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

And now for a more esoteric joke.

This is a true story, it happened to me :)  [If you don't know UNIX, the punchline is gonna suck so just move on]

In early 2000 I took a job as a sysadmin of a research lab.  My boss was a professor or EE *and* CS, and he had an MBA in business ... so he was not unfamliar with computers :)

The second day I was there, and the first time I really talked to my boss he says to me,

"Let me ask you, what do people use to read their mail?"
that was kind of an odd question so I reply, "What do you mean exactly?"

"Well, what do people use to read their mail, to do things like decode attachments, forward mail, etc, what program do you use?"

to which I reply, "Well, in windows I use eudora and in solaris I use pine." (we had both platforms).

"Great, show me how to use them sometime.  I dont like that program tail, it's too hard to use, and I cant decode attatchments, and if I get an attatchment I have to keep scrolling down and sometime I miss my message."

In the conversation post-mortem, I discovered he had been using tail on his mail spool to read his mail, and that his mail spool went back *9* years to when the center first began.


Religion is a gateway psychosis. - Dave Foley

Two Jewish guys ... (3.00 / 20) (#36)
by myshka on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:30:22 PM EST

Two Jewish guys walk out of the theater after watching Titanic.
"So how did the ship sink?"
"Damn, I knew they were gonna pin it on us again!"

Another version.. (3.50 / 2) (#277)
by Zathrus on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:47:32 AM EST

A Jewish American walk up to a Chinese man and punches him upside the head.

"What was that for?" asks the confused victim.

"That was for Pearl Harbour" replies the Jew.

"But that was the Japanese. I'm Chinese" says the Chinese man.

The Jew dismisses him, "Chinese, Japanese... Whats the difference?"

Later the Chinese man walks up to and punches the Jewish man.

"What was that for?" queries the Jew.

"For sinking the Titanic" replies the Chinese man.

The Jew replies: "No, silly. The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg".

To which the Chinese man replies: "Iceberg, Goldberg... Whats the difference?"


I hope I got it right.

"like a Mazda commercial with that creepy "zoom zoom" kid that goes on too long." - Filthy Critic
[ Parent ]

An older joke ... (3.97 / 36) (#37)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:32:15 PM EST

The Secret Service walks into the Oval Office and tells Clinton, "You're not going to like this, sir. Someone has written, `Clinton sucks', by pissing in a snowbank."

"I want this investigated," says Bill.

The next day, the Secret Service comes back and says, "We've got more bad news."


"Our tests show that it was Vice-President Gore's urine."

"I can't believe that," says the Prez. "Did you check the handwriting?"

"Well, our tests show it was Hillary's handwriting ..."

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
Clinton (4.63 / 11) (#64)
by PullNoPunches on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 04:07:22 PM EST

was jogging in the park one day, and he comes upon a hooker.

He says "how much?"

She replies "$50".

He says, "How about $20".

She says, "No way, I don't care if you are the President".

A few days later Bill is jogging again, but this time Hillary decides to accompany him. They pass the same hooker again.

She looks at Hillary, and says to Bill, "See what you get for $20?"


Although generally safe, turmeric in large doses may cause gastrointestinal problems or even ulcers. -- Reader's Digest (UK)
[ Parent ]

The order is reversed. (3.60 / 5) (#71)
by haflinger on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:12:10 PM EST

Wait a minute. First he comes on her, and then she wants $50? :)

Did people from the future send George Carlin back in time to save rusty and K5? - leviramsey
[ Parent ]
International dating etiquette (3.37 / 35) (#38)
by quartz on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 01:47:03 PM EST


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
Fifth Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
Sixth Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all of your assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Bay Duck, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.


First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.


First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and fuck 'em even if they can.

Let's hear it for the Catholics. (2.00 / 3) (#69)
by haflinger on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:09:53 PM EST

Note the similarity between Irish and Latin :)

Did people from the future send George Carlin back in time to save rusty and K5? - leviramsey
[ Parent ]
math joke (2.06 / 15) (#40)
by speek on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:06:41 PM EST

Two functions are walking down the road. The first on is a constant function, the other, e^x. Suddenly, the constant function spots an integral coming toward them.

"Oh shit," he says. "That's an integral. I'm dead!"

"Don't worry," e^x says. "I'll take care of it."

So, e^x steps in front of his constant companion and says to the integral, "Hey, I hear you've been harrassing my friend here. Try it again, and you'll have to deal with me."

The integral looks at him and laughs. "I don't think you understand who am I, brave fool."

"No, I don't think you understand," e^x replies. "I'm e^x".

"No, it is you who are confused. I'm dx/dy."

I ain't no mathematician, so I hope I didn't screw it up:-)

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck -

Math limerick (4.50 / 8) (#49)
by jabber on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:53:48 PM EST

Integral of z-squared dz
from 1 to the square root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

Not only does it rhyme, it's correct too.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

Math limerick #2 (4.00 / 1) (#168)
by roiem on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:51:29 AM EST

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
90% of all projects out there are basically glorified interfaces to relational databases.
Parent ]
Almost... (4.14 / 7) (#52)
by Ob the Rat on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:01:54 PM EST

Yep.  You screwed it up.  

It's a derivative not an integral.
I think it's just d/dy too.

Here's why:
If C is constant dC/dx = 0  (dead)
d(e^x)/dx = e^x (unchanged)
But d(e^x)/dy = 0 (dead)

The way you had it:
If C is constant Int(C,dx) = Cx
Int(e^x,dx) = e^x
Int(e^x,dy) = (e^x)y
The joke doesn't make sense this way.

(I am a mathemetician...)

[ Parent ]

damn! (2.75 / 4) (#61)
by speek on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:44:09 PM EST

You're right (but you knew that). Calculus is a distant memory for me, but I remembered this joke from a friend who thought it was just about the funniest thing. Oh well.

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck - [ Parent ]

no I think it's correct (none / 0) (#389)
by thirstyfish on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:35:05 PM EST

I think the joke is that the functions had mistaken a derivitive for an integral.

Hell, you know all calculus equations start to look alike after awhile :)

[ Parent ]

ob the rat is right (none / 0) (#411)
by speek on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:02:16 AM EST

The joke should have specified a derivative, not an integral as the bad guy, and the final line should have been d/dy, not dx/dy. That's why the joke is particularly abominable - they assumed it was a normal derivate (dy/dx, I believe is the one we normally do to find the slope of a line), but it turned out to be d/dy, which I think is a hardly used derivative.

It is simply the most geeky joke I know of. So I thought I'd share it. Too bad I fucked it up.

what would be cool, is if there was like a bat signal for tombuck - [ Parent ]

The shortest joke for mathematicians (none / 0) (#223)
by nefertari on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:09:56 AM EST

Let $\epsilon < 0$. (Think TeX!)

Explanation: Many proofs in Analysis I (Introductory Calculus) beginn with: Let $\epsilon > 0$.

[ Parent ]

Another math joke... (none / 0) (#383)
by DonQuote on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:33:38 PM EST

... for all the science students out there:

limit of (B. Sc.) as GPA->0 = B.A.
Or how about this one:

Did you hear Al Gore started a new band? Yeah, he's calling it the algorithms!

... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
[ Parent ]
Long but good (3.98 / 54) (#41)
by paxtech on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:10:25 PM EST

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink.

The gay waiter says. "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called "Nike," for the slogan "Just Do It." That guy down at the end of the bar calls his "Snickers," because "It Really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

"The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity Margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford", because "Quality is Job #1." Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret', now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"


Heck, it made my wife laugh, and she's really tough on jokes..
"Eggs or pot, either one." -- Ignignot

off-color (2.38 / 18) (#42)
by MeanGene on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:14:14 PM EST

Two condoms walk by a gay pub.  One says: "Hey, do you want to go indide and get shit-faced?"

What's the biggest problem with screwing a sheep?
You have to walk all the way up front to kiss her.

ethnic (3.31 / 22) (#43)
by MeanGene on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:24:04 PM EST

Priest, imam and rabbi argue who has the most helpful god.

Priest says: I was a missionary and got caught by cannibals who decided to eat me.  I prayed to our Lord Jesus Christ - and he sent thunder and lightning that scared the cannibals away.

Imam says: I got lost in a desert, my camel died and I had no water.  I was passing out from heat, but prayed to Allah and he carried me to an oasis.

Rabbi says: I was walking in Jerusalem and saw a wallet on the ground, but I couldn't lift it - as it was Sabbath.  So I prayed to Jahveh, and he made it a Friday for me for a minute!

I told a couple of my favorites (3.91 / 12) (#45)
by imrdkl on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:36:10 PM EST

awhile back in my diary.

Too bad, Dad and Mouse and Giraffe.

This should be fun.

Sleeper (4.08 / 47) (#46)
by jabber on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:36:53 PM EST

Two teen girls are bicycling through the streets of Amsterdam. As the afternoon turns into evening, they decide to head home via a shortcut through the historic district. At a stop sign, one girl turns to her friend and says: "You know, I've never come this way before". Her friend replies "It's probably the cobblestones".

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

a kur0n, slashbot and adequack walk into a bar. (2.68 / 19) (#47)
by Uncle Noam Chomsky on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:45:10 PM EST

We don't serve trolls, says the bartender.

"No, really," says the kur0n, "porn is good for girls."

"No, really," says the slashbot, "Micro$oft made you say that."

"No, really," says the adequack, "I own this bar."

I'm not the Noam Chomsky your big sister studied in college. I'm the Noam Chomsky who fucked her in the faculty lounge.

only joke I know (3.56 / 23) (#48)
by Jim Tour on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:51:23 PM EST

Two cannibals are having dinner.
"I hate my mother-in-law" says one.
"So try the potatoes" says the other.

another cannibal joke (4.00 / 1) (#477)
by parsec on Sat Aug 24, 2002 at 02:43:50 AM EST

Haven't told it in a while, we'll see if I remember it..
Two cannibals are hungry and all they have to eat is one man they found earlier. They decide to make the portions equal by having one cannibal start at the head and the other at the feet. Upon agreeing to this arrangement, they both start hungrily devouring their dinner.
After a little while, the first cannibal asks his friend, "How are you doing over there?"
The friend replies, "I'm having a ball!"
The first cannibal say, "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Hmm.. it was funnier when I was in grade 7..

[ Parent ]
So there's a sausage and an egg in a frying pan... (3.89 / 29) (#50)
by mrgoat on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 02:56:29 PM EST

The sausage turns to the egg and says, "My GOD! It's hot in here."

And the egg turns to the sausage and says, "My GOD! A talking sausage!"

"I'm having sex right now?" - Joh3n
--Top Hat--

My walk with Uncle Noam Chomsky (2.71 / 21) (#51)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:01:40 PM EST

I was walking down the road discussing politics with Uncle Noam Chomsky when this lunatic came out of the bushes with a butcher knife and a ruler.

"I'm going to cut off both your wangs if the two of you don't come up to 7 inches together." He slashed the air in front of him menacingly. "Pull down your pants and let me measure you."

I pulled my pants down first. "6 1/2 inches," the madman said. "Alright, you ..." He measured Uncle Noam's dong and said, "Hmmmmmm - half an inch. 6 1/2 and 1/2 makes 7 inches. Alright, I'll let you guys go." He disappeared just like that.

"Man, Noam, that was close," I said.

"Tell me about it," Uncle Noam replied. "Damn good thing I had a hard-on."

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
Correction: mine's 3 ... (2.85 / 7) (#55)
by Uncle Noam Chomsky on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:10:18 PM EST


I'm not the Noam Chomsky your big sister studied in college. I'm the Noam Chomsky who fucked her in the faculty lounge.
[ Parent ]

What'd you do, buy it used? (nt) (1.80 / 5) (#57)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:19:35 PM EST

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
[ Parent ]
No, it's pristine in its original condition. (2.50 / 4) (#62)
by Uncle Noam Chomsky on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:46:06 PM EST

I never use it, preferring to get my kicks above the waistline. This is a matter of public record.

I'm not the Noam Chomsky your big sister studied in college. I'm the Noam Chomsky who fucked her in the faculty lounge.
[ Parent ]

(snickers) (2.66 / 6) (#72)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:21:57 PM EST

I never use it,

Autoflame, Grade A+

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
[ Parent ]
Two classics... (3.68 / 25) (#56)
by pb on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:16:24 PM EST

These are the two jokes my old friend Chuck and I would always tell about each other; we surely stole them from other sources long ago.

The Clock Joke

Pb dies, and finds himself in Hell.  There is a huge line of people being processed, and there are clocks everywhere.  Being the curious soul he is, he watches the Demons show people to their clocks, and overhears other people's inquiries about them, and the explanations from the Demons.

Demon: "These are the masturbation clocks."

Poor Bastard #1: "What does that mean, and where's my clock?"

Demon: "Here's your clock, and it's at 12:09--you only masturbated 9 times in your life?"

Poor Bastard #2: "What about me?"

Demon: "Ah, it's at about 3:30--that's much more normal around here."

Pb: "Where's my clock, I don't see it anywhere..."

Demon: "Your clock, your clock... wait, you're Pb?  Oh, we had to move YOUR clock."

Pb: "Why, where'd you move it?"

Demon: "Satan needed a fan."

The Dream Joke

I had a dream last night.  Hugh Hefner, President of Playboy, died, and he found himself in a big white room.  Across from him in the room there was a bed, and a woman on it.  She was covered with festering sores all over her body!  Then, there was a booming voice...

Booming Voice: "Hugh Hefner?"

Hef: "Yes?"

Booming Voice: "As punishment for your sins, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this woman..."

Then, Larry Flynt, the President of Hustler died, and he also found himself in a big white room.  Across from him on the bed, there was a woman, and she was 4' tall, 350 pounds... and in a bikini!  Then came the booming voice:

Booming Voice: "Larry Flynt?"

Larry: "Yes?"

Booming Voice: "As punishment for your sins, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this woman..."

Then, my friend Chuck died, and he also found himself in a big white room.  Across from him on the bed, there was a woman... It was Pamela Anderson!  She was naked, and sexier than ever! Then came the booming voice:

Booming Voice: "Pamela Anderson?"

Pamela: "Yes?"

Booming Voice: "As punishment for your sins, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this man..."
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall

Joke (3.65 / 38) (#60)
by wji on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 03:34:00 PM EST

You know, I think this might even be in /usr/games/fortune/fortunes, so don't be mad if that's where I got it from.

Dubya, bin Laden, the Pope, and a boy scout are in a plane when it starts to burn and dive. There are only three parachutes. Bin Laden grabs one and jumps, shouting "I must continue the jihad!!" Dubya grabs one and jumps, saying "I must continue the crusade!!" The Pope looks at the boy scout and says, "my son, I'm an old man and have had a long life. You take the parachute."

"No need", says the boy scout. "Dubya jumped with my backpack."

[Now the real question: What the hell were they doing in the plane?]

In conclusion, the Powerpuff Girls are a reactionary, pseudo-feminist enterprise.

Heard this one on NPR..... (3.04 / 23) (#63)
by InigoMontoya on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 04:02:45 PM EST

A colon and rectal surgeon, on why he went into the line of work he did:

"I wanted to look up a few old friends."

This signature is self-referential.

What's politics? (4.18 / 50) (#66)
by buglord on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 04:34:46 PM EST

A teenager asks his father, "Dad, what exactly is politics?"

His father thinks for a moment and replies, "Son, let's say I am the economy, because I earn money. The housekeeper, she's the working class. Your mother's the government and your little baby sister is the future. You yourself are the common people. Now take everything together - that's politics."

Dissatisfied and bewildered by the answer, the teen goes through the house contemplating. On his way, he sees that his baby sister's diapers needed changing. He wanted to tell his mother and went to the parent's bedroom, but found his mother sleeping. In the cellar, he then saw his father getting busy with the housekeeper.

Next day, the kid goes to his father and proclaims: "Dad! Now I understand what politics is! The future's full of shit, and the economy fucks the workers while the government sleeps. And the people - they don't understand anything!"

I'm happy so much now I know how to use a gun!
Die Technik bereit und stabil... wir wollen zurck ins Telespiel!
welle:erdball - telespiel

Got another one (2.26 / 15) (#67)
by buglord on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:05:51 PM EST

Sorry, but I just have to.

A woman is working out in the bedroom in the nude. She does a split and gets erm... stuck on the tiles. She shouts for her husband to get help.
He calls the plumber that did their kitchen, and he arrives, completely surprised at the job at hand. The plumber suggests cracking up the tiles to free the woman. "No way!", shouts the husband, "The tiles cost [rediculously high sum] each!"

The plumber thinks for a moment and starts caressing the woman's breasts and fondling her buttocks. Seeing his wife enjoying this special treatment, the husband can't believe what he is seeing and demands that the plumber tell him what he is up to.

The pumber replies: "Oh, I just remembered that the tiles in the kitchen cost less than half as much, and I wanted to move your wife over there."

I'm happy so much now I know how to use a gun!
Die Technik bereit und stabil... wir wollen zurck ins Telespiel!
welle:erdball - telespiel
[ Parent ]

Best PC joke I know (3.90 / 32) (#68)
by TypographicalError on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:06:37 PM EST

So after Noah unloads all the animals from the ark, he's pretty bored, with not receiving missives from God and not having any other humans to talk to. So, he spends his time visiting the animals and seeing how they're doing.

One day, he comes upon this pair of snakes and he asks, "So, how are you guys doing with the whole species repopulation thing?"

One of the snakes replies, "Well, to tell the truth, we're not doing all that great."

So Noah says, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

And the snake answers, "You could probably do us a whole lot of good if you'd just chop down that tree over there."

So Noah, perplexed, gets an axe and chops this tree down for the snakes, and goes on his merry way, wanting to allow the snakes their private time.

Then, a few weeks later, Noah comes back and, sure enough, the female is pregnant. He gives them his congratulations and then he asks, "So why exactly did you need me to cut down that tree for you guys, if you don't mind my asking?"

The snake replies, "Well, we're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

The world does not revolve around your vagina unless I am allowed to put my tongue in it. - TRASG0

"not having any other humans to talk to." (3.00 / 1) (#413)
by Xcyther on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:33:16 AM EST

Noah wasnt the only human on the ark. His family was there with thim.

"Insydious" -- It's not as bad as you think

[ Parent ]
Three girlfriends (2.72 / 18) (#70)
by MeanGene on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:10:30 PM EST

Three girlfriends all have boyfriends named John - so they decided to give them nicknames based on drinks to tell them apart.

The first wowan says: I'm gonna call my John "7 up," because when he's "up" he's 7 inches.

The second woman says: I'm gonna call my John "Mountain Dew," because when he mounts me I get all misty.

The third woman says: And I'm gonna call my John "Jack Daniels" - because he's a hard liquor!

Horse walks into a bar... (3.81 / 27) (#75)
by wrinkledshirt on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:44:33 PM EST

A horse walks into a bar with some jumper cables wrapped around its neck. There's some concerned murmuring going around the clientelle, which the bartender notices and decides to act on. He takes a deep breath, then goes over to horse and says, "Listen, I don't mind the long face, but don't you start anything in here."

Heh (3.52 / 36) (#76)
by trhurler on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 05:45:11 PM EST

First off, the most offensive joke I am willing to tell that you don't actually have to be a racist or otherwise bad person to actually find(sick) humor in(though it certainly contains racist language,) and then a Dubya joke. Finally, the most disgusting jokes I know; they're not so much funny as just plain sick, and the enjoyment of telling them is in watching peoples' faces curl up and hearing the disgusted noises they make. Yes, folks, one post, with jokes covering racism, mass slaughter, and child molestation. You know you want it. If not, don't read it, because I don't want to hear any whining. You were warned.

There's a Chinese guy who walks past a bar every day. He says to himself one day, "I've been going past this bar every day for two years. I'm going inside." So he goes in, and the place is completely empty except for the bartender - a black guy. He walks up to the bar and says "Hey, how 'bout a swig, nig?" The bartender is pissed, and says, "Look, if there were any other people in here, I'd kick your ass and throw you out the door, but since we're alone, let me see if I can help you learn how hurtful your attitude really is. I'll go outside, and you come back behind this bar, and I'll come in and play the role of customer. We'll see how you like it." The Chinese guy agrees, and heads behind the bar, and the black guy goes out the front door. A moment later, he comes in and says "How 'bout a drink, chink?" The Chinese guy says "We don't serve niggers here."

A guy walks into a bar, and there are George Bush and Colin Powell. The guy says "What are you guys doing here? I've never seen you in this place before!" Bush says "We're planning World War III." The guy is intrigued, and asks what is going to happen in World War III. Bush says "We're going to kill 160 million Iraqis and a blonde with big tits." The guy's jaw drops, and he finally manages to ask, "Why would you kill the blonde?" Bush punches Powell in the shoulder and says "See, I told you they wouldn't care about those Iraqis!"

What's the best part about fucking a four year old? Hearing the pelvis crack. What's the worst part about fucking a four year old? Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

You got it wrong (none / 0) (#298)
by Dphitz on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:58:51 PM EST

The worst part is . . .

You have to kill her afterwards.

(that's how I heard it anyhow)

God, please save me . . . from your followers

[ Parent ]

Nah (none / 0) (#299)
by trhurler on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:03:43 PM EST

Mine is funnier. Besides, some people like killing children. Who likes cleaning blood out of a fucking clown suit? I mean, really?

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
A few jokes (3.82 / 17) (#79)
by JanneM on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:08:24 PM EST

These are a bit dated, but just in case someone has missed them:

Q: How do you ventilate a Greek-Orthodox church?

A: You click on an icon and a window will open.


My girlfriend left me for another guy, a tractor salesman. I didn't realize it until I got a John Deere letter.


As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."

Trust the Computer. The Computer is your friend.

A Really Horrible Joke... (2.45 / 22) (#81)
by randinah on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:12:11 PM EST

Where do white babies go when they die?


What do they grow on their backs?


What are they called?


Where do black babies go when they die?


What do they grow on their backs?


What are they called?


"Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous?"
One I heard today... (4.00 / 37) (#83)
by paine in the ass on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:16:13 PM EST

Q: Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?

A: Because Germans like to march in the shade.

I also know a whole bunch of dead baby jokes, but somebody's already got those covered. Oh well.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

And (4.25 / 4) (#93)
by 0xdeadbeef on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:47:54 PM EST

Too keep the British from pissing on the architecture.

[ Parent ]
Speaking of Germans (4.30 / 13) (#100)
by quartz on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 07:20:22 PM EST

Q: How does every German cookbook start?
A: First, occupy the kitchen...

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and fuck 'em even if they can.
[ Parent ]
9/11 (2.80 / 21) (#84)
by godix on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:17:52 PM EST

You know the best thing about 9/11? After the towers collaped the nation because a great place. People pulled together for the common good, millions were donated for relief efforts, and commercial TV even quit pimping products to us and instead brought us news and information. Which all goes to show that the less New Yorkers in the world the better off we all are....

Don't mind the plummeting noise, mojo always makes that sound after I post.

NYC CPR (3.50 / 4) (#87)
by Edgy Loner on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:29:43 PM EST

(Yelling to unconcious prson on groud): "Get up up before you fuck'in die!"

This is not my beautiful house.
This is not my beautiful knife.
[ Parent ]
New York cop at crucifixtion of Christ (3.75 / 4) (#90)
by Edgy Loner on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:31:58 PM EST

"Ok, Show's over! Move along"

This is not my beautiful house.
This is not my beautiful knife.
[ Parent ]
Funny Joke! Must Read! (3.19 / 26) (#85)
by Patrick Bateman on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:23:32 PM EST

A very gay friend of SanSeveroPrince passed away the other day in San Francisco.  His sister came to
the funeral to claim the ashes, as he requested to be cremated.  One of his gay friends approached her and asked if he could take possession of the ashes.

"Why?" she asked.

"So that I may take them to the top of a mountain so that they may be spread to the wind.  He would've liked that," the flamer replied.

"That's very nice," the sister commented.

Another cockgoblin friend piped up, "Let me take the ashes and spread them to the seas from the deck of the boat we used to sail together.  He would have certainly wanted that," he squeaked.

"That is very thoughtful," the sister remarked, just as SanSeveroPrince came barging in and barked, "Let me take those ashes home to make some of our special chili!"

"Make some special chili?" the sister asked with a look of amazement on her face.

"Yeah!" said SanSeveroPrince, "I make a mean spicy chili, and I can sprinkle the ashes in the brew, because I know he'd want to tear this ass up one more time."

I have to return some videotapes.

The Prize... (2.80 / 5) (#86)
by gnovos on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:28:47 PM EST

I have a few thousand ad impressions I won at the poetry contest which I will happily donate to the winner of the joke contest if you guys can make it happen.

A Haiku: "fuck you fuck you fuck/you fuck you fuck you fuck you/fuck you fuck you snow" - JChen
Oooh (none / 0) (#234)
by MicroBerto on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:45:39 AM EST

Hey, this is no joke! ;)

- GAIM: MicroBerto
Bertoline - My comic strip
[ Parent ]
All I know I learned in preschool: (2.66 / 18) (#88)
by godix on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:30:52 PM EST

1) Don't piss your pants. people laugh at you.
2) If you are an overachiever, the bullys come and beat the shit out of you
3) Girls are acky.
4) Jerking off is fun (it was a strange preschool)
5) I'm a total prick without my nap
6) you can't say 'fuck you' to the person in charge and get away with it
7) You CAN say 'fuck her/him' about the person in charge when they're out of hearing
8) work sucks. Either schoolwork or the regular type
9) recess rocks.
10) if you look cute pouting, people will buy you things (females only)
11) Don't hit the others kids with your blocks. Go steal your parents gun instead.
12) Don't say 'I hate niggers/spics/wops/honkys', The proper phrase is 'I hate African-Americans/Mexican-Americans/Italian-Americans/White devil oppresors'
13) Hard work means nothing. Looking like you're doing hard work means everything.
14) Hyperactivity is good. Drugs to control hyperactivity are better.
15) Individuality and creativity will get you nowhere in life, Gangs and sucking up are the way to go.
16) No matter how hard you try, you can never imagine your parents having sex
17) Not that you should actually try or anything. That's sick.
18) It's all good fun till someone gets hurts. After that it's just cruel fun.
19) TV programs suck, but most people are too dumb to realize this.
20) Good role models: Abraham Lincoln and George Washington
21) Realistic role models: Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and Richard Nixon.
22) Honesty is bad, NEVER say your teacher is a fat, overbearing, obnoxious bitch.

Don't mind the plummeting noise, mojo always makes that sound after I post.

How About... (none / 0) (#308)
by JahToasted on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:51:19 PM EST

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye... Then it's a sport!
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison
[ Parent ]
My all time favourite (3.86 / 23) (#89)
by Scurra on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:31:15 PM EST

What happened to the short-sighted circumsiser?

He got the sack.

obBillG Joke (3.47 / 23) (#92)
by localroger on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:46:07 PM EST

A priest, an explorer, and Bill Gates are sharing a tiny airplane on a jaunt in Peru. Suddenly the engines quit and smoke comes from the cabin. The pilot dashes to the rear of the plane where the cargo is, grabs a pack, and releases the side hatch. "The plane's going down," he yells at his startled passengers. "You'll just have to work out who gets the two other parachutes." And out he jumps.

Bill Gates dashes to the back, grabs a pack, straps it on, and stands in the doorway. "I have to take one of these," he whinges. "I'm the world's smartest man, and all the computers in the world would grind to a halt without me." And out he jumps.

"Son, you take the other parachute," the priest says. "My faith will be my protector on the way down."

"Don't sweat it," says the explorer, tossing the priest a pack from the hold. "The world's smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack."

I can haz blog!

You'll find that one further down the page... (4.25 / 4) (#96)
by InigoMontoya on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:55:57 PM EST

...only with Dubya instead of Bill Gates.

In my day, we were using Quayle... hmm.

This signature is self-referential.
[ Parent ]

Problem with the Dubya version (4.50 / 4) (#104)
by localroger on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:15:15 PM EST

I have trouble believing he'd be smart enough to grab the backpack


In other news, it's a little easier to imagine what the four are doing together on the plane in my version...

I can haz blog!
[ Parent ]

Old Quayle joke. (4.60 / 5) (#205)
by Herring on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:47:02 AM EST

This probably should be updated. It dates from ... ooh ... about 1990.

George Bush (snr) is visiting Margaret Thatcher in Britain.
"Margaret" he says "You're such a wonderful leader. You pick such great people for your team. People like Geoffrey Howe. What's your secret?"
"Well" replies Thatcher, "With Geoffrey, I just called in into my office and I asked him one question. I knew that if he answered it immediately that he was on the ball and he was going places. 'Geoffrey' I asked him 'who is your father's son if you haven't got a brother?' Quick as a flash, he came back with 'It's me, Geoffrey Howe'. Then I knew he was really sharp."

George returns to the states thinking about this. The next day, he calls Dan Quayle into the oval office.
"Dan, I'm going to ask you a question and if you can answer it, I know that you're really on the ball and you'll be going places. Dan, who is your father's son if you haven't got a brother?"
Dan thinks about this and then says "Can you give me 24 hours on this one Mr. President?"

So Dan goes away and he phones up Henry Kissenger.
"Henry" he asks "I've got this question and I know you're smart. Henry, who is your father's son if you haven't got a brother?"
"That's easy, it's me, Henry Kissenger"

The next day Dan returns to the Oval Office and announces "I've got the answer sir, it's Henry Kissenger"
"Oh Dan, I'm so disappointed in you" says George sadly "Everyone knows it's Geoffrey Howe".

Say lol what again motherfucker, say lol what again, I dare you, no I double dare you
[ Parent ]
trhurler, theantix, a beautiful girl and a nun (4.48 / 66) (#95)
by fhotg on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:53:08 PM EST

are travelling in the same train compartment. The train enters a tunnel and it becomes dark. Suddenly, a loud 'slap !' is heard, and when the train leaves the tunnel, everybody can see the red imprint of five fingers on trhurlers face.

The nun thinks: Well that trhurler guy tried to grope the beautiful girl and the smacked him in the face, good job.

trhurler thinks: Damn, theantix must have groped that girl, she wanted to hit him, missed, and I got it.

The beautiful girl thinks: That trhurler guy must have tried to grope me, the nun noticed and slapped him just in time, good job.

theantix thinks: right on, in the next tunnel, I'll slap trhurler again.
Gitarren fr die Mdchen -- Champagner fr die Jungs

Another 'make fun of your friends' joke... (3.00 / 2) (#370)
by curunir on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:24:04 PM EST

Sleepy, Happy and Dopey were out at a bar drinking when Sleepy dropped his beer mug. "Damn! I have the smallest hands. It's so hard for me to hold onto these beer glasses."

Dopey noted, "If that's true, you should go to those Guiness Book of Records people, they can certify it."

Happy chimed in, "While were there, I'm pretty sure I have the shortest legs of anyone in the world and Dopeys got the smallest dick of anyone in the world, we'll all be in the Guiness Book of World Records!"

They get to the offices of the Guiness Book and are told to wait their turn. Sleepy goes in first, and 5 minutes later emerges with his certificate. "Wow, that was easy!" he says, "I'm in the book!"

Next, Happy goes in and 5 minutes later emerges with his certificate. "Wow, you're right!" he says, "That was easy!"

Last, Dopey goes in. 5 minutes later, he comes out with a puzzled look on his face and no certificate. Happy and Sleepy both look at him and say, "What happened????"

Dopey just shakes his head and says, "Who the fuck is trhurler? (replace with name of friend you wish to make fun of)

[ Parent ]
Good one? (3.91 / 46) (#97)
by aldjiblah on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 06:59:53 PM EST

A white american, an afro-american and an american jew are walking on a beach, and stumble upon an empty whisky bottle. When they brush the sand off the label, a spirit appears from the flask.

'You have released me from my captivity, and each of you will have a wish granted', the spirit promises. After some discussion, it is agreed that the jew goes first:

'I wish all the jewish people are returned to our holy land Israel, and that we can live there in peace.'

'Done', the spirit thunders, and the jew disappears.

The afro-american goes second. 'I wish all the children of Africa are united there, and will forever live in peace.'

'Done', the spirit says, and the afro-american also disappears.

'So, you are the last to have your wish granted - what is it to be?', the spirit asks of the white american.

'Wait a minute, you're saying all the jews are in Israel now?'

'It was asked, and it became so', the spirit says solemnly.

'And all the blacks are in Africa?'

'Yes, of course.'

'I'll just have a martini, thanks'.

A different version I like a little better (4.00 / 2) (#342)
by TheOnlyCoolTim on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:33:01 PM EST

A black man and a white man were on the beach and found a bottle. They picked it up and out comes the genie, who says he usually only gives three wishes, but he can give them two wishes each for a total of four...

The black man says, "I think my people will be better off in the motherland with no one bothering us. I want an unbreakable mile-high wall to appear around all of Africa."

The genie says, "As you wish."

The black man says, "And now I want all my people to be returned to Africa, inside that wall."

The genie says, "As you wish," and the black man vanishes. The genie turns to the white man and says, "Now you have two wishes."

The white man asks, "So the area inside that wall is totally sealed off, nothing can get in or out, and all the black people of the world are inside it?"

The genie responds, "Yes, you are correct."

The white man says, "Fill it with water, and give me a martini."

Substitute whatever races and homeland you want...

"We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."
[ Parent ]

I don't agree (none / 0) (#445)
by aldjiblah on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 05:25:00 AM EST

Isn't it typical? :)

Anyway, the version I told I first heard in a great movie called "Kansas City" by Robert Altman. The joke I believe is told by Harry Belafonte as the character "Seldom Seen".

I recommend the movie; it was marketed as a "jazz film" here in Norway, but it has many qualities besides the great music.

[ Parent ]

Tommy Cooper Classics (4.16 / 37) (#98)
by vyruss on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 07:00:12 PM EST

I hope you enjoy these :))

2 aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married - the ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrists' wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer". The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?", replies the bartender, "no charge".

2 hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive".

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?", he said "It depends where you're calling from".

2 cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."


  • PRINT CHR$(147)

I'm going to Hell for this one (3.51 / 29) (#99)
by thenick on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 07:10:59 PM EST

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the woods after dusk:

The little boy says,"Man, I sure am scared!"

The pedophile says,"You think you're scared, I have to walk out of here alone."

"Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler, he did a lot, but don't we all wish he would have stayed home and gotten stoned?" -Dex

A girl... (3.16 / 6) (#210)
by gazbo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:01:40 AM EST

...is sitting on the edge of a cliff crying. A man walking past comes over to see what the problem is.

"What's the matter, little girl?"

"You see that smoking car at the bottom of the cliff? I just got out of the car to go to the toilet, and it rolled over the cliff."

"Oh, that's terrible!" Says the man. "Who was in it?"

"My mummy, my daddy, my little baby brother, and my dog Spot. I have nobody left to look after me!" She wails.

The man unzips his pants and says "It's just not your lucky day."

Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

[ Parent ]

Kenny the city slicker. (4.31 / 41) (#101)
by Uncle Noam Chomsky on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 07:32:18 PM EST

Kenny the city slicker moves to country and buys a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00US. The farmer agrees to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drives his pickup up to Kenny's house.

"Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that, son. I done went and spent it on girlies and whiskey."

"OK then, unload the donkey."

"Sheeit, what ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey! That kind of thing just aint done."

"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer meets Kenny on the street and asks, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars per ticket and made a profit of $898.00"

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

"Hee-hee, you're a smart one, Mr. Lay. You'll go far one day you surely will."

I'm not the Noam Chomsky your big sister studied in college. I'm the Noam Chomsky who fucked her in the faculty lounge.

I love this joke... (3.50 / 2) (#235)
by kevsan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:56:43 AM EST

...but slight correction. Isn't it a $998 profit? The joke is a bit easier to understand if raffle tickets are a dollar each, and he makes a profit of $499. Thanks for the "Mr. Lay" part at the end, though, instead of other ways I've heard the joke told that seem to insult the audience's intelligence. Nice job. :)

[ Parent ]
No... (5.00 / 3) (#252)
by upsilon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:08:58 AM EST

No, because he got $1000 in raffle money, gave $2 back *and* originally spent $100 on the donkey. $1000 - $102 == $898.
Once, I was the King of Spain.
[ Parent ]
Whoops! (none / 0) (#356)
by kevsan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:55:09 PM EST

Good call. That's like misspelling a word in a spellcheck post. *blushes*

[ Parent ]
Humble submission (4.14 / 41) (#102)
by Pseudonym on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:07:55 PM EST

OK, so a priest, a rabbi, a nun, a lawyer, a horse, a dog, a rabbit, and Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Mexican walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f(q{sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f});
A joke about jokes is... (none / 0) (#105)
by maozo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:16:35 PM EST

a meta-joke? :)

[ Parent ]
Probably (none / 0) (#108)
by Pseudonym on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:23:34 PM EST

I considered noting that, but it would have given away the punch line.

sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f(q{sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f});
[ Parent ]
Which would make your comment... (4.00 / 1) (#109)
by Talez on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:26:34 PM EST

A meta-meta-joke? ;)

Si in Googlis non est, ergo non est
[ Parent ]
Which would make your comment... (5.00 / 5) (#134)
by X3nocide on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:10:17 PM EST

Hopelessly post-modern?

[ Parent ]
RE: meta-joke? (none / 0) (#256)
by fforw on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:33:49 AM EST

.. don't know whether I'm supposed to laugh or meta-laugh about it.

[ Parent ]
A meta-laugh (4.00 / 1) (#347)
by Dephex Twin on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:23:26 PM EST

would be laughing about laughing, wouldn't it?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
[ Parent ]
Yet Another Bill Gates Joke (3.61 / 26) (#103)
by maozo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:12:48 PM EST

Bill Gates walks into a seedy downtown hangout, pulls up a stool at the bar. Of course he looks a bit out of place, the other men in the bar are all huge, sweaty, muscular men, and ol' Bill is, well, a geek. So obviously the bartender is more than a little concerned.

Bill orders a martini, and is just about to have a sip, when a loud ringing noise is heard. The bartender stares in amazement as Bill opens his hand, holds it to the side of his face, and has a short conversation with it.
"What the hell was that", asks the barkeep.
"Oh, thats my cellphone. I got tired of carrying it around so i had it implanted".
The bartender is very impressed. Bill takes another sip of his drink, and gets up to go to the bathroom.

He is followed in by a meaty, goatee-faced, 7'2" bald guy. 5 minutes go by, nobody comes out... the bartender is getting nervous. 10 minutes go by... the bartender is really worried now. So he gets a few guys together and they go into the bathroom to see what's happened to Bill.

They find Bill Gates spreadeagled, with his pants down, leaning with his face against the wall, and with a whole roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass.
"Are you OK, man?!?! What happened?? Who did this to ya???!?" asks the bartender.
"No, it's ok, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax."

here is a kinda raunchy one... (3.82 / 35) (#107)
by shellac on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:16:53 PM EST

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

No one's posted one of these yet, so ... (3.07 / 14) (#110)
by pyramid termite on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 08:41:54 PM EST

Once upon a time the Trids lived in Switzerland. During the winter, they'd feed in the valley, and during the summer, as the forage was giving out, they'd cross a mountain pass to get to a high alpine valley. Everything was good for them until one fall - when they started to walk up the mountain pass to get to the lower lands, a horrible Troll met them and kicked them down the mountainside. Everytime they tried to cross the pass the Troll kicked them back down. The days were getting short and the nights cold and they didn't know what to do. In desperation they visited a rabbi that lived nearby and told him what was going on. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Well," the rabbi said, "I can talk to him and see what his problem is." The rabbi walked up to the mountain pass and started to speak to the Troll and the Troll picked him up and carried him back down the mountain and put him down gently.

"I don't understand," said the rabbi, "why didn't you kick me down the mountain?"

The troll looked at him. "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

(I love "shaggy dog" stories ...)

"I forget, in a certain way, everything I write, doubtless also, in another way, what I read." - Jacques Derrida
Please indicate the language encoding of the jokes (2.53 / 13) (#112)
by DodgyGeezer on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:27:42 PM EST

People have a different sense of humour in different places.  And that's not even considering that the content of the jokes might be only significant to one culture or locality.  For example, a lot of British humour just doesn't translate or get understood in the US, and going in the other direction, it's often just viewed as just plain dumb (no offense intended).

So, a joke that is hysterically funny to somebody talking/thinking en-gb might not be funny at all to an en-us.  What kind of jokes are we looking for here?  The ones that make people from the most cultures laugh, or ones that make people within one locality laugh the most?  If it's the former, I predict that the jokes will have to be pretty simple.

Sorry... I'm probably taking all the fun out of :(

Good point: (4.00 / 1) (#136)
by JChen on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:13:07 PM EST

It took me about two minutes to figure out what Kiwis are and why their relationship to sheep is.

Or that German joke.

Let us do as we say.
[ Parent ]

Foolproof method: (4.00 / 1) (#349)
by Dephex Twin on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:27:00 PM EST

If you laugh, it's funny to you.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
[ Parent ]
Heh (3.26 / 26) (#113)
by strlen on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:30:33 PM EST

A cop pulls over a yuppie for not stopping at a stop sign. The cop tells the yuppie that he needed to come to a complete stop, and not slow down. The yuppie says "what's the difference". The cop takes out the night stick and begins beating the yuppie and asks whether he should "slow down" or "come to a complete stop". Actually I hate cops and I hate police brutality, but I like the joke.

[T]he strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone. - Henrik Ibsen.
you hate police brutality? (none / 0) (#148)
by Mclaren on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:13:21 AM EST

we need more people like yourself

[ Parent ]
Or you could say (none / 0) (#351)
by Dephex Twin on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:28:39 PM EST

I hate police brutality, but I *really* hate yuppies.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
[ Parent ]
Open Source jokes. (1.62 / 32) (#114)
by Phillip Asheo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:31:42 PM EST

Note, these jokes rely on "open source" humour. You know, the kind that makes people laugh at crap like "user friendly" or think that aftery2k is funny.

  • ESR goes into a bar and orders a beer.
    Some gun crazed lunatic shoots him in the back

  • RMS goes to get on the bus
    "get off my bus you stinking GNU hippie" says the driver.

  • Linus Torvalds goes to the San Antonio LUG meeting
    "Can we give you a blowjob" the entire membership chorussed in unison

    I could go on, but I don't want to use up all my good material.

    "Never say what you can grunt. Never grunt what you can wink. Never wink what you can nod, never nod what you can shrug, and don't shrug when it ain't necessary"
    -Earl Long

  • if that's... (4.50 / 2) (#229)
    by warrax on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:10:24 AM EST

    your good material, i'd hate to see your not-so-good material...

    -- "Guns don't kill people. I kill people."
    [ Parent ]
    Did you have a hat once? (none / 0) (#237)
    by rdskutter on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:03:11 AM EST

    Was it a nice hat?

    If you're a jock, inflict some pain / If you're a nerd then use your brain - DAPHNE AND CELESTE
    [ Parent ]

    Another Pirate Joke (4.05 / 39) (#117)
    by Wobbly Bob on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 09:56:22 PM EST

    An old pirate is sitting in a bar drinking when the guy next to him starts asking him about his various artificial body parts.

    "What about that peg leg?" asks the man.

    The old pirate says "Arrr. I lost that when attacking another ship. A cannon ball took it clean off."

    "What about that hook hand?" the man asks.

    "Arrr. I lost that in a sword fight."

    Finally, the man asks, "What about that glass eye?"

    "Arrr, it was a beautiful day," begins the pirate, "The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and I was up on the poop deck looking at the clear blue sky, when a seagull flew overhead and crapped right in me eye."

    "You lost your eye just because a bird crapped in it?" the man asks.

    The pirate says, "Well you see, I only had me hook a couple of days ..."

    Helping ugly people have sex since 1990!

    Jokes (offensive) (3.44 / 18) (#118)
    by EggplantMan on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:07:43 PM EST

    What did one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

    "See you next month."

    What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

    You can't gargle sand!

    There are certain things that make you cringe, (none / 0) (#133)
    by JChen on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:10:11 PM EST

    and vote a "5":

    Lesbian jokes, rape jokes, and dead baby jokes.

    Let us do as we say.
    [ Parent ]

    Well said (none / 0) (#242)
    by EggplantMan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:28:39 AM EST

    I'm glad you share my sense of humour.

    [ Parent ]
    Did you hear about... (2.63 / 11) (#119)
    by jayhawk88 on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:25:35 PM EST

    Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

    Think about it...

    Blatently stolen from PVP.

    Why, then, should we grant government the Orwellian capability to listen at will and in real time to our communications across the Web? -- John Ashcroft
    How do you? (3.31 / 19) (#120)
    by La Camiseta on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:28:14 PM EST

    How do you get a nun pregnant?

    Dress her up as an altar boy.

    How do you get a nun pregnant? (3.00 / 5) (#146)
    by kitten on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:09:30 AM EST

    Fuck her.
    mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
    [ Parent ]
    What else? (3.53 / 13) (#121)
    by psicE on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:30:29 PM EST

    Two peanuts vere valking down zee road.

    One vas assaulted.


    Ha ha ha... (4.66 / 3) (#123)
    by InigoMontoya on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:42:24 PM EST

    (German national anthem)

    Python moment complete.

    This signature is self-referential.
    [ Parent ]

    Joke (3.75 / 28) (#122)
    by Margaret Thatcher on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:39:19 PM EST

    Why didn't rusty cross the road?

    No one paid him $70,000.

    Is this considered racist? I hope not (4.25 / 36) (#124)
    by psicE on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:42:29 PM EST

    So this little kid says to his dad, "Daddy, is God black or white?" And the dad says, "Uh... He's both, son." The little kid seems a bit surprised, but he leaves.

    Then, five minutes later, the kid comes back. And he asks his dad, "Is God a man or a woman?" And once again, his father replies, "He's both, son." And the kid again seems confused, but leaves, apparently satisfied.

    Then, five minutes later, the kid comes back again. And he says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

    Not Racist, Michal Jackson-ist <nt> (none / 0) (#369)
    by tudlio on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:17:34 PM EST

    insert self-deprecatory humor here
    [ Parent ]
    Prepare to die, Germans. (3.63 / 11) (#126)
    by InigoMontoya on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 10:44:42 PM EST

    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

    Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

    This signature is self-referential.

    The Funniest Joke Ever (3.00 / 1) (#139)
    by mortisimo on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:26:33 PM EST

     You beat me to it.

    [ Parent ]
    Monty Python (3.00 / 1) (#207)
    by smallstepforman on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:52:30 AM EST

    Can someone please translate this timeless classic?  From memory, its about a dog losing his nose, and smells bad or something.

    [ Parent ]
    no meaning whatsoever, really... (4.00 / 1) (#221)
    by jurgisb on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:05:06 AM EST

    German is not my native speak, I'm lithuanian, but I have studied german for 11 years (during most of highschool), and let me tell you, this phrase is a brilliantly random cacaphony of sounds ^_^

    [ Parent ]
    Read, and all will become clear (5.00 / 1) (#247)
    by ip4noman on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:48:07 AM EST

    This should explain everything

    Breaking Blue / Cognitive Liberty Airwaves
    [ Parent ]
    They were asking for it (1.25 / 8) (#127)
    by MSBob on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:01:26 PM EST

    They were asking for it when they came up with that slogan for the antiperspirant:

    Strong enough for a man but made for a woman...


    I don't mind paying taxes, they buy me civilization.

    Two sexists jokes.... (2.88 / 9) (#128)
    by richieb on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:03:54 PM EST

    Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: That's not funny!

    Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?

    A: A man.

    It is a good day to code.

    a variant (none / 0) (#419)
    by frozencrow on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 11:58:01 AM EST

    Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Two.  One to mess with the light fixture and one to SUCK MY DICK.

    [ Parent ]

    A silly joke (2.37 / 8) (#129)
    by richieb on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:04:28 PM EST

    A man walked into a bar. He said "Ouch"!

    It is a good day to code.

    Maybe funnier version. (3.66 / 3) (#200)
    by IvyMike on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:32:31 AM EST

    Two guys walk into a bar. Third guy ducks.

    [ Parent ]
    Jesus Jokes (3.38 / 13) (#130)
    by Emissary on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:05:42 PM EST

    These were told to me at Pantheacon. Please don't be offended if you're christian; we don't really think badly of Jesus. Many of us don't even believe in him!

    Why was Jesus on the cross for three days?
    He forgot his safe word.

    What's this? (puts palm of hand over mouth and moves jaw up and down) Jesus biting his nails.

    "Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
    Never Stiff A Wizard (3.69 / 26) (#131)
    by amike on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:06:07 PM EST

    One day, Sir Lancelot asked Merlin to speak with him in private.

    "It's Guinevere," Lancelot confessed to Merlin. "The prospect of loving her without being able to have her....I cannot take it anymore! Would you help me so that I can make love to her without the King noticing?"

    "This is difficult," Merlin mused. "If either one of us were caught, the punishment would be death." Upon thinking some more, Merlin said that he would do it...for 1000 gold coins. Lancelot, horny beyond comprehension, agreed to Merlin's terms.

    One night, while Guinevere was bathing, Merlin snuck into her chambers and put itching powder in her undergarments. Guinevere was tossing and turning all night as the itching pervaded her. King Arthur thought this to be the symptom of some sort of illness and called Merlin in to investigate.

    "You are correct, Sire, that it is an illness. It is of a rare sort where the woman will itch until she is driven to suicidal insanity. It is not indicative of any sort of ill character, but it must be treated immediately."

    "What is the cure?" Merlin asked in great haste.

    "The cure, Sire, involves the use of dragon's saliva. This is unfortunate, as there are no dragons in these parts. However, I have done some research and Sir Lancelot's lineage appears to include a dragon. I believe that his attendance to the affected areas will cure her."

    "Very well," Arthur proclaimed. "Lancelot may tend to her." With that, Lancelot accompanied Guinevere to her chambers, where he gave her breasts a lot of licking, then moved on to licking her crotch. The arousal this caused in both of them was enough to lead the two into having sex. They, of course, never mentioned this to anyone. But Lancelot was satisfied.

    The next day, Merlin asked Lancelot for his 1000 gold coins. Lancelot, satisfied anyway, refused to do so. "You'll be sorry," said Merlin.

    Lancelot was called to Arthur's throne room the next morning. "It seems," King Arthur siad, "That I've caught Guinevere's infection." Lancelot looked at Merlin, who looked at him with an evil grin.

    In a mad world, only the mad are sane. -Akira Kurosawa
    HI! ME AM BRASIL!! (2.10 / 19) (#132)
    by X3nocide on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:07:31 PM EST



    Thank you for the inspiration, gurtygurt.


    2 golden jokes (4.12 / 24) (#135)
    by smallstepforman on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:11:11 PM EST

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
    The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
    The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
    "No. What did that stupid shit do this time?", says the patron.
    "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender.
    "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little fucker because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron.
    The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
    Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.
    While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar.
    He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
    "What now?", responds the patron.
    "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
    "Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

    There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages. The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father furious, thought and said "Yes son, we call it your mother."


    Wow. The Monkey joke made me laugh! (2.50 / 2) (#167)
    by Fantastic Lad on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:49:32 AM EST

    It's never the punchline with these things for me, and I suspect, many other people. It's always the way the joke is told which makes one actually laugh.

    Something about the way you described the patron and his attitude toward his obnoxious monkey and the poor bar keep somehow hit the right chord and really got me. All the other 'jokes' posted here seem to be more akin to clever punning than actual humor. --Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but only a well told story can make me laugh until my stomach hurts.


    -Fantastic Lad

    [ Parent ]

    Another monkey and a bar joke... (4.50 / 2) (#318)
    by FortKnox on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:24:30 PM EST

    A guy walks into a traditional bar and orders a drink. Being down on his luck and a little frustrated with life, he begins to talk with the bartender. As he's talking, a monkey that was sitting on top piano jumps down onto the bar, and begins taking a leak in the mans beer.
    The man notices the monkey, grabs the bartender by the collar and shouts, "What the hell is this? I'm gonna pound you for your goddamn monkey!"
    The bartender quickly replies, "Woo there, lad. This monkey isn't mine, its the pianists!"
    So the man walks over to the pianist, who is playin a tune, and shouts "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?!?"
    The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to fake it."
    Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
    [ Parent ]
    Chicken and Egg (3.62 / 16) (#137)
    by richieb on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:19:31 PM EST

    Chicken and an egg are in bed. The egg is smoking a cigarette and has a satified look on his face. The chicken looks unhappy and says: "I guess this answers THAT question!"

    It is a good day to code.

    Eggs don't have genitalia. (1.37 / 8) (#173)
    by suick on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:08:09 AM EST

    Just a little heads up.

    order in to with the will I around my effort sentences an i of more be fuck annoying.
    [ Parent ]
    They don't ?!? (none / 0) (#311)
    by unDees on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:28:28 PM EST

    Of course, it's perfectly plausible that they smoke, right?

    Your account balance is $0.02; to continue receiving our quality opinions, please remit payment as soon as possible.
    [ Parent ]
    And talk! (none / 0) (#354)
    by Dephex Twin on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:40:38 PM EST

    I'm starting to think this was a fictional account.

    Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
    [ Parent ]
    It's the chicken which talks [nt] (none / 0) (#375)
    by tlhf on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:35:10 PM EST

    [ Parent ]
    Oh ok, then it *is* realistic. (n/t) (none / 0) (#417)
    by Dephex Twin on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 11:30:02 AM EST

    Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
    [ Parent ]
    One from Poland (3.86 / 15) (#138)
    by MSBob on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:24:07 PM EST

    Once there were three survivors of a shipwreck stranded on a desert island: two sailors and a nun.

    After a few weeks of hunting and foraging the sailors get horny and chat up the nun. At first she resists but over time the nun gets bored and horny and decides to give it a go. The triangle blossoms and everyone was happy.

    A year later however, the nun goes on a guilt trip and exclaims: "I've had enough of this sick perversion!". Then she promptly commits suicide.

    The two sailors left without any choice decide to satisfy one another.

    A year goes by however, and one of the sailors gets visibly upset and exclaims: "I have had enough of this sick perversion! Tomorrow, we're digging up the nun!"

    I don't mind paying taxes, they buy me civilization.

    Heard it like this (4.72 / 11) (#141)
    by akruppa on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:30:23 PM EST

    Two guys and a girl get stranded on a desert island.

    After one month, the girl is so ashamed of what they're doing that she kills herself.

    After another month, the two guys are so ashamed of what they're doing that they bury her.

    After yet another month, the two guys are so ashamed of what they're doing that they dig her up again.

    [ Parent ]

    Heh...reminds me of another one... (3.00 / 1) (#329)
    by curunir on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:26:29 PM EST

    A man is shipwrecked but manages to swim to shore with his dog. They find themselves on a mostly deserted island. There are, however, quite a few wild sheep on the island. After about a month of depriving himself sexually, he decides to go at it with one of the sheep. The problem is, every time he starts doing it, his dog starts biting his leg, trying to drag him away. He tries everything from trying to hide from his dog to tying his dog up, but each time, his dog finds a way to get free and find him and keep him from doing the deed.

    One day, he sees a small boat hit the reef that surrounds the island. He swims out and finds a woman floating lifelessly in the water. He drags her into shore and perfroms CPR on her and eventually revives her. When she finally regains consciousness, she says, "Thank you for saving my life! Is there anything I can do to repay you?"

    The man answers, "Can you keep my dog occupied for a couple of hours?"

    [ Parent ]
    Joke. Laugh. (3.68 / 25) (#140)
    by akruppa on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:26:47 PM EST

    A chinese couple in bed. He says to her "you, I want  sixty-nine!" and she replies
    "What? Chicken with vegetables, *now*??"

    Best Captain Kirk joke (3.42 / 19) (#143)
    by stuartf on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:41:40 PM EST

    How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

    Three. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

    Shoot me now...

    heres one. (3.63 / 11) (#144)
    by alukaiser on Sun Aug 18, 2002 at 11:50:42 PM EST

    So two hicks from Alabama are walking toward each other on a street. One has a large sack over his shoulder. The other hick says: "Hey, whatcha got in dat der bag?" "Chickins." "If I guess how many chickins you got in that there bag, can I have one?" "Sir, if you guess how many chickins be in this bag, you can have both of em!"

    Man, being reasonable, must get drunk. -Lord Byron

    sweet home alabama (none / 0) (#464)
    by superflex on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 09:25:24 AM EST

    Two white trash good ol' country boys in (insert backward southern U.S. state here) are sitting out on their front porch, watching the sun go down, when they notice a well-dressed woman from the city walking up their dirt lane.

    "Can you please help me?" she says, "My car broke down a couple miles up the road. I need to get to a town to get a tow."

    "Town's closed for the night by now, I reckon." replies one, "But you're more n' welcome to stay the night here with me and my brother."

    "Only problem is," says the other, "We only got one bed."

    "Well," says the woman,"I'm certainly not bothered by that. I'm a strong, independant woman and I know how to look after myself."

    So they all pile into bed that night, and the boys start going to work on this woman. At first, she resists, but finally she relents. "Fine, boys. We can fuck, but you have to put on these condoms."

    "Condoms? What the hell are those?" they exclaim.

    "You wear them on your dicks, so I don't get pregnant" she informs them.

    "Well, that's alright, I guess." they reply. And so they put on the condoms and get down to business. The next day they drive her to town and she goes on her way, never to see them again.

    About a month later, the two boys are back out on the porch, watching the sun go down again, when the one brother asks, "Hey buddy, you remember when that city lady spent the night a few weeks ago? Man, that was good."

    "Sure do, buddy." says the other.

    "But, do you really care if she gets pregnant?"


    "Then why don't we take these goddamn condoms off now?! Shit!"

    [ Parent ]

    Just two..... (3.36 / 11) (#145)
    by ToadBoy on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:08:28 AM EST

    Q: How do we know, for an absolute fact, that the Rolling Stones weren't actually from Scotland?
    A: Well, if they were Scottish, instead of:
    Hey, you, get offa my cloud!
    it would have been:
    Hey, Macleod, get offa my ewe!

    Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: 17; 1 to hold the bulb, and 16 to drink until the room spins.

    There, I'm done offending the UK for the day!

    Ireland is not in the UK. (2.80 / 5) (#174)
    by m0rzo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:08:32 AM EST

    You stupid fuck.

    My last sig was just plain offensive.
    [ Parent ]

    Some Irishmen are from the UK... (4.00 / 1) (#230)
    by rsidd on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:15:50 AM EST

    the ones from Northern Ireland.

    [ Parent ]
    I think you'll find... (none / 0) (#263)
    by m0rzo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:58:02 AM EST

    ..they are Ulstermen.

    My last sig was just plain offensive.
    [ Parent ]

    nope (none / 0) (#344)
    by Jel on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:08:09 PM EST

    those ones are "British", just like any other UK citizen.
    ...lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery, and we shall lead a life uncommon
    - Jewel, Life Uncommon
    [ Parent ]
    They are Ulstermen. (none / 0) (#366)
    by m0rzo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:01:24 PM EST

    Hailing from Ulster. As people from Scotland are Scottish, people from England are English and people from Wales are Welsh.

    My last sig was just plain offensive.
    [ Parent ]

    uk (none / 0) (#434)
    by animal on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 06:44:02 PM EST

    and they're all from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northen Ireland, ie the UK.

    [ Parent ]
    Indeed. (none / 0) (#435)
    by m0rzo on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 07:12:47 PM EST

    i.e. Not. Irish. Thank you. Goodnight.

    My last sig was just plain offensive.
    [ Parent ]

    Let me put it another way... (none / 0) (#438)
    by Jel on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 08:11:31 PM EST

    Born and raised in Belfast, but wouldn't call myself an Ulsterman for a moment.  Neither would most of the people I know.  Further, most people here wouldn't consider referring to anyone as such unless they knew their political aspirations, amongst other things.  The only term which directly correlates to "Scottish" and "Welsh" is "Northern Irish".

    ...lend your voices only to sounds of freedom. No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from. Fill your lives with love and bravery, and we shall lead a life uncommon
    - Jewel, Life Uncommon
    [ Parent ]
    Jokes (2.80 / 5) (#147)
    by FigBug on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:10:35 AM EST

    Q: How many nuns does it take to change a light bulb? A: Probably just one

    Personal favorite (3.38 / 13) (#149)
    by Chris Said on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:16:43 AM EST

    Q:How is eating pussy the same as being in the mafia?

    A:One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit.

    Send me to hell joke (3.14 / 21) (#150)
    by ring of trout on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:16:59 AM EST

    What's better than winning first place in the special olympics?
    Not being retarded.

    What's the difference (1.83 / 6) (#151)
    by panck on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:20:09 AM EST

    between an elephant and a plum ?

    ...(ba dum bum) (3.00 / 3) (#153)
    by panck on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:21:30 AM EST

    They're both purple.  except for the elephant.

    [ Parent ]
    You Have the Right to Remain Stupid... (4.20 / 34) (#152)
    by amike on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:20:42 AM EST

    A Virginia cop pulls over a couple for speeding. He walks up to the driver and says, "I clocked you going 80 miles an hour, sir."

    "Gee, officer," the driver says, "I had the cruise control on 60..."

    "Don't be silly, dear," his wife says. "You know this car doesn't have cruise control."

    "Would you shut up?" the driver asks as the cop writes the ticket.

    "You should be happy the radar detector went off when it did," the wife says.

    "A radar detector, eh?" the cop asks. "That's illegal." He starts another ticket.

    "Damn it, woman! Shut the hell up!" the driver says.

    At this point, the cop looks at the wife and says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"

    The wife shrugs and says, "Only when he's been drinking."

    In a mad world, only the mad are sane. -Akira Kurosawa
    A Jew, a Greek, and a Polack (3.45 / 20) (#155)
    by sticky on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:24:44 AM EST

    Are walking down the street on a cold winter day.  All of a sudden, God appears before them and declares "I grow tired of you humans, driven by your base instincts, doing whatever pleases you without regard to any morality.  You must walk the righteous path or suffer a terrible fate.  If any of you three should act on your impulsive desires and do what naturally occurs to you I shall cast you into the pits of Hell."

    The three, visibly shaken, continue on down the street.  Passing by a frozen lampost, the Polack runs over to it and licks it.  The earth trembles beneath him and opens up and eats him whole.

    The Jew and the Greek have a good laugh at his expense and keep walking.  

    Further on down, the Jew spots a shiny quarter lying in the gutter.  As he bends over to pick it up, the earth opens up again and swallows them both.

    Don't eat the shrimp.---God

    Not quite... (4.50 / 2) (#393)
    by mayo on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:32:48 AM EST

    I believe the end of the joke should have gone something more like this:

    Further on down, the Jew spots a shiny quarter lying in the gutter. The Greek looks at the Jew and says "if you bend over to pick that up we're both going to hell..."

    [ Parent ]
    That's not the way I heard it (none / 0) (#396)
    by sticky on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:41:46 AM EST

    But that would be an acceptable alternate punchline.

    Don't eat the shrimp.---God
    [ Parent ]
    Simple physics jokes (3.88 / 25) (#156)
    by Greyjack on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:28:17 AM EST

    ...so anyway, a neutron walks into a bar and quickly drinks a couple pints.  Ready to leave, he asks the bartender, "how much do I owe ya?"  Bartender looks at him and replies, "For you, no charge."

    ...so anyway, a helium atom walks into a bar.  He sees his hydrogen atom buddy at the bar, drowning his sorrows.  "What's wrong?"  helium asks.  Hydrogen looks up, eyes slitted, breath beery, and says "shit, man, I lost my electron."  "Are you sure?"  Hydrogen stares down into the bottom of his pint glass and answers, "Yeah.  I'm fucking positive."

    Here is my philosophy: Everything changes (the word "everything" has just changed as the word "change" has: it now means "no change") --Ron Padgett

    Corny (2.62 / 8) (#157)
    by ring of trout on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:31:23 AM EST

    Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

    A: Right where you left him

    Q: What's brown and sticky?

    A: A Stick

    Warning, sick jokes ahead. Turn back now!
    I went home yesterday and my girlfriend was packing her bags. I asked her why she was leaving, she said "I heard you were a pedeophile". I said "That's an awfully big word for a 13 year old".

    Q: What's the worst part about having sex with a 12 year old?
    A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit

    Thank you, I'll be here all night.

    More sick jokes (seriously - you've been warned) (3.66 / 3) (#183)
    by GhostfacedFiddlah on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:44:59 AM EST

    I'd like to reiterate the subject line - these are the types of jokes that are funny mostly for their shock-value.  Read no further if you're not interested.

    What's the worst thing a deaf and blind child can get for Christmas?


    What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

    Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

    What's worse than biting into an apple and finding half a worm?

    Sudden infant death syndrome.

    [ Parent ]

    Sick one on the same lines... (3.50 / 2) (#194)
    by Bostik on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:57:15 AM EST

    If the subject didn't turn you away, it's too late now.

    Q: What's the best thing in having sex with a 12-year old girl?
    A: Turn her around and she'll pass for a 12-year old boy.

    There is no such thing as good luck. There is only misfortune, and its occasional absence.
    [ Parent ]
    and (3.00 / 1) (#241)
    by cowscows on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:25:29 AM EST

    what's the best part about getting bj from a six year old boy in the shower?

    if you slick his hair back, he looks four.

    One time I threw a brick at a duck.
    [ Parent ]

    Uncertain (4.36 / 49) (#160)
    by pexatus on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:36:54 AM EST

    Werner Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn and got pulled over. The cop walked up to the side of his his car and asked, "Son, do you know how fast you were going back there?"

    To this he replied, "No, but I know where I am."

    More quantum jokes (4.00 / 2) (#328)
    by astrosmurf on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:21:54 PM EST

    How many quantum physicists does i take to change a lightbulb
    It's impossible to tell, if you know how many they are, you don't konw if they have changed the bulb yet.

    [ Parent ]
    Newfoundland... (4.40 / 42) (#161)
    by dadragon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:38:55 AM EST

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern.
    After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
    intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
    street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what

    seemed an eternity of trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed
    to find his car which he fell into.  He was there for a few minutes
    as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he
    started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry
    flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on
    the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
    little and then remained still for a few more minutes as all the other
    vehicles left.

    At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
    down the road.

    The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
    up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
    over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
    breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at

    all. Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany
    me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be

    "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

    A woman is giving birth... (2.95 / 20) (#162)
    by bigsexyjoe on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:44:16 AM EST

    A woman is giving birth to a baby. Her husband drives her to the hospital as fast as possible. They get there the doctor yells "Push! Push!" The lady pushs and pushs. The doctor yells "Push harder! Push harder!" The baby's head comes out. "Push more! Push more!" The baby's arms come out. The doctor yells "Push! Push!" The baby's body comes out. The doctor takes the baby in his arms and cuts the umbiblical cord. He takes the baby by the legs, spins it around his head, and smashes its head against the wall. Brains and blood and guts fly everywhere. The woman just gave birth but she still jumps up and screams. The doctor says, "Lady, relax, relax. I'm just kidding! The baby was born dead."

    Walk ino a bar.. (3.66 / 6) (#163)
    by Zer0 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:44:37 AM EST

    The Pope, George Bush and Osama Bin Laden walk into a bar. The bar tender looks and them and says, "What is this? A frickin Joke?"

    Again with the bar (none / 0) (#171)
    by Edgy Loner on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:06:40 AM EST

    Two Jews, a Mexican and a black man walk into a bar.
    The bartender says: "You all get the fuck out of here!"

    This is not my beautiful house.
    This is not my beautiful knife.
    [ Parent ]
    Mario the factory worker (1.60 / 5) (#164)
    by bewa on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:45:01 AM EST

    (to be told with and Australian Italian Immigrant accent) Mario has been working at the factory for over 40 years. He is a very peaceful man and has never been in fight. One day he turns up at work with a black eye. His friends say to him, "Mario, 40 years and never a fight, what happened?" Well its a long story. Common Mario tell us. Well I was at church on sunday because I am a religious man and this great big woman comes and sits down in from of me. Well it comes to the part of the church when we must stand up and sing, and her dress, its stuckatit in there. I am a polite man so I rrrrreach forward and pulla tit out and BAMMM she turns around and decks me one. Ohhh thats terrible mario. A week later Mario returns to work after the weekend with two black eyes. His friends say to him "Mario, 40 years and no fights now 2 weeks 2 fights, whats happening?" Well I was at church the other day with my mate Luigi and the same great big woman sat in front of us. It came to the part where we must stand up and sing, and her dress is stuck in her ass again. Luigi reaches forward and pulls it out, I know she don't a likea this so I reach forward and pullatit da back out.

    Technical Joke (3.78 / 14) (#165)
    by pgrote on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:45:57 AM EST

    This is going to suck if you know nothing about networking.

    In the late 80s we were sitting in a meeting discussing the growth of our LAN. Joe, the head of the Data Communications department, was in the meeting and was taking an active role.

    We were going through the requirements and someone mentioned we needed more BNC connectors.

    Joe looked up as said, "We should also get more D and E connectors as well."

    Sssh! Buzzards (3.18 / 11) (#166)
    by wurp on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:46:02 AM EST

    A farmer's rooster is getting old and is unable to service his hens any more, and finally keels over dead.  The farmer goes out the next day and buys a lively young rooster and brings it home.  It immediately fucks every hen in the coop, twice, before settling down for a brief nap.  Pleased, the farmer goes inside for dinner.

    Over the course of the next week, the rooster gets every hen, over and over, more times a day than the farmer can count.  Finally, the rooster has to chase the hens down to get any tail.  One day, the farmer comes out and sees that all of the hens are hiding, and the rooster is laying in the middle of the barnyard, legs in the air, stiff as a board.  The farmer comments: "I knew that rooster was going to screw himself to death!"

    The rooster says "Sssh!  Buzzards."
    Buy my stuff

    What's the difference... (3.71 / 14) (#170)
    by wrinkledshirt on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:05:30 AM EST

    What's the difference between an Evel Knievel show and a strip joint?

    People go to the Evel Knievel show for the cunning stunts.

    What's the difference... (none / 0) (#465)
    by superflex on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 09:34:55 AM EST

    between the womens track club and the midget investigation team?

    One's a group of cunning runts.

    [ Parent ]

    from the movie American werewolf in London (2.42 / 7) (#172)
    by panck on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:07:33 AM EST

    you to a friend: say "knock knock".
    your friend:  knock knock.
    you: who's there?
    your friend: uh...(becomes confused)

    that joke is the funniest shiat.

    Some Jokes I've Heard (2.26 / 19) (#175)
    by emad on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:11:24 AM EST

    Q. Do you know how many Polish Americans it takes to couple an NRC3 maintainer to a T-process reactor ?

    A. 15!  (it should take no more than 11 if they had a clue what they were doing!)


    Guy #1: So how many Polish Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Guy #2: I don't know.

    Guy #1: Well, do you know how many Chinese Americans it might take?

    Guy #2: No seriously, I don't know that kind of stuff.

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Tiger who?
    Tiger you going to open the door?

    (for this joke, try your best to say Tiger like "aren't" )

    Knock Knock

    Who's there?
    Boo who?

    Boo Johnson, we partied together last weekend at Phi Delt.

    Oh hey, what up man!

    And as a reward for still reading, my personal favorte:

    Q. How many people have to die for their to be justice in this world?


    Corrections (3.50 / 2) (#179)
    by emad on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:28:33 AM EST

    instead of "their" I really meant "there"

    the correct spelling of favorite is favorite.

    Also, I may have stated that it takes 3 Polish Americans to change a light bulb. I was wrong. It takes 1.

    [ Parent ]

    A Replacement (2.54 / 11) (#176)
    by qpt on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:16:45 AM EST

    Cigarettes are obviously highly addictive and readily available. In the absence of government intervention or a suitable supplement, I am not certain how cigarette smoking will ever be abolished.

    It is fortunate, then, that a replacement for cigarettes does exist, and is free of the accompanying health risks. Indeed, it is highly irresponsible, in my opinion, for the government - as well as such organizations as the AHHA - to not educate the public about this safe, clean alternative.

    I am, of course, referring to cock smoking. Because cock smoking does not actually involve the immolation of the involved cock, it is free of irritating and carcinogenic by-products. Further, cocks are cheaply acquired, costing far less than a package of cigarettes. Not only that, but since a cock is not consumed during cock-smoking, a single cock can provide for hours of wholesome smoking!

    With its smooth, delicious taste and texture, cock is a pleasure to smoke. As an added bonus, many doctors believe that cock smoking - at least in moderation - can have long-term health benefits, such as reduced risk of heart disease and increased cranial-vascular turpitude. For your own sake, next time you are itching for tobacco, please reach for a cock instead.

    Remember - Cock: The Sophisticate's Choice.


    Domine Deus, creator coeli et terrae respice humilitatem nostram.

    Outlaw Intelligence based discimination! (1.30 / 10) (#177)
    by United Fools on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:17:51 AM EST

    (This is a serious topic, for us)

    This article calls for attention to intelligence-based discrimination, a form of social injustice deeply entrenched in the modern society and impacting people's lives every day. We argue that intelligence discrimination should be addressed the same way as race, gender or age discrimination and call for legislation to ban unfair treatment because of intelligence, or preception of intelligence. We also call for affirmative actions for disadvantaged people because of low intelligence.


    "All Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" --from the Declaration of Independence, 1776

    All men are created equal, the words have been told for more than two hundred years. Yet it took the struggles of many to obtain equalty for people disadvantaged because of their race, skin color, gender, and age. Laws have been passed to ban these discriminations and affirmative actions implemented to correct the past wrongs. Yet another serious form of discrimination, that of intelligence, has not received significant attention and millions of people are denied opportunities or successes because of their intelligence, or, their perceived intelligence.

    Intelligence is, like skin color, a trait from birth. Some people are born poor speakers. Some are born poor at math, or at art or at sports. Some people are slow thinkers or react slowly. But they are human beings, and they should have rights for the same opportunities and potential for advancement as smart people. People may be stupid, but that's not their fault!

    Intelligence discrimination, or "preceived intelligence" discrimination (because many people do not have the skills to judge intelligence accurately), is everywhere, and you probably have experienced it in your life. When you were in grade school, did you wonder why your math teacher always favor that kid who did well in math tests more than you? In your job, did you wonder why should that guy who completes tasks faster or appears to be a quick thinker get promoted instead of you? Or even worse, you may have the same ability as that other guy at the particular tasks, but bacause he expresses himself better or is a smooth talker, he, not you, gets that big job?

    Such unfairness occurs daily everywhere in the world. People appearing foolish are denied successes and advancements. Such denials often are due to perception, instead of accurate measurements of one's ability to do a particular task. People do not know that fools can take important and leading roles and often can do a better job than the so-called "smart" people.

    Fools often have to hide their nature, for these who can learn such lessons and capable of hiding it. They cannot express their true selves and have to try to "fit in" with the "smart" people. They have to live painful lives and watch out everyday not to reveal their foolishness. Often after they made to the top, people find out that they are actually fools, like Dan Quayle! But people do not think that, fools can be leaders too! People do not assume that, fools, like Dan Quayle, can serve as the Vice President of the United States! But he did! His political career was over once his foolishness was known, but that should not be the case.

    Putting fools at the position of leadership actually has great benefits. Fools obey the rules and cannot figure out evil plans. For example, if Enron's leaders were fools, would they have figure out how to commit accounting fraud? On ther other hand, it requires no reminder that great evils were done by smart people. Do you think bin Laden or Hilter were fools? Of course not!

    Therefore the common belief to advance smart or hard working people should be changed. Fools need to be given equal opportunities and considerations. But merely conceptual changes and public education are not enough. The social injustice runs so deep that only legal measures can guarantee equal rights for fools.

    Hard working is often stated as the way to make to the top no matter what the preconditions are. But smart people can work hard too, and this places fools at a disadvantage. Fools have to work much harder than smarties to achieve the same. Therefore hard working is not the save-all solution for the social injustice and cannot be relied upon as the only measure. External help is necessary for fools.

    Therefore, we demand laws to ban discrimination based on IQ, perceived IQ or similar measures. We call on governments to implement policies prohibiting preferential treatments for people with high achievements or IQs. (Perceived) Intelligence should not be a factor in job application, scholarship application or school admission. Fools should not be afraid that showing their foolishness may have negative consequences.

    We also calls for affirmative actions for fools. Foolish children should receive more lecture time from teachers. Test scores should be normalized against students' IQ. Fools should receive more relaxed standards for job performance, for example, more time to complete a task than that given to a "smart" person. Fools should receive more training from employers. Fools should not receive lower salaries than smart people. We call for government agencies to enforce these regulations and to accept complains from fools for intelligence discrimination.

    We are in the last barrier toward addressing inequalities in our society, that of intelligence-based discrimination. Race, gender and other forms of discrimination have been outlawed, and it is time to take action to eliminate injustices due to intelligence. We have presented the rational for fool equality and concrete measures to be implemented. It is time to implement these actions and to have all people, dumb and smart, as equals and sharing the same potential for successful, happy and satisfying lives.
    We are united, we are fools, and we are America!

    This is kind of long but its worth it (4.33 / 39) (#178)
    by ebatsky on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:19:25 AM EST

    Stolen from somewhere on internet many years ago:

    Read Newfpyr's masterful turning of the tables on a hacker... Certainly one of the best Absurd IMs we've EVER received! Newfpyr's comments are in brackets throughout.

    Zabu451:Hello from America Online! I'm sorry to inform you that there has been an error in the I/O section of your account database, and this server's password information has been temporarily destroyed. We need you, the AOL user, to hit reply and type in your password. Thank you for your help.

    Newfpyr:Hello! This is Server Manager #563. I'm sorry to hear that your server has lost the password info. I mean, this has been hapening to much lately.

    NewfPyr:We have developed some solutions to this problem. Have you got the mail sent out to all server managers?


    NewfPyr:Really? Ouch. There's been some problems with the server mailer lately. Oh, well. Here's a solution to this problem: try connecting your backup database to your main I/O port, then accessing the system restart.

    Zabu451:no i still need passwords

    NewfPyr:I see. Do you want me to send you the list of all the passwords of all the screen names of your server?

    Zabu451:ya i want that

    NewfPyr:Let me get the server manager to send it...

    NewfPyr:He says I need your server manager password. Could you please type it in?

    Zabu451:i dont have one

    NewfPyr:What do you mean? That's the first thing every manager gets!

    Zabu451:itgot deleted

    NewfPyr:Wow! You must be having a lot of trouble. Let me find out what server you're using...

    [Note: I checked his profile. It said he was from Springfield, Mass.]

    NewfPyr:Okay, you're number has been tracked to an area in Springfield, Mass.

    Zabu451:how did u know?!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!!

    NewfPyr:I used Server Tracker 5.0 . Don't you have it?

    Zabu451:do you know my address!?!?!?!!?!?

    NewfPyr:Of course not.


    NewfPyr:I only know the number you're calling AOL from, which is from your server, right?


    NewfPyr:Good. Okay, now that we have you're number, we have you're address, and we are sending a repair team over there.


    Zabu451:dont stop them now

    NewfPyr:Why? Isn't your server down?

    Zabu451:nonono its working now

    NewfPyr:They're still coming, just in case.

    Zabu451:STOP THEM NOW

    NewfPyr:I can't break AOL Polacy.

    Zabu451:POEPLE ARE COMING TO MY HOUSE?!?!?!?!??

    NewfPyr:No! To your server. You know, where you're calling AOL from.

    Zabu451:im calling from my house

    NewfPyr:But you said you where calling from the server!

    Zabu451:i lied im not reely a server guy

    NewfPyr:But you said you were!

    Zabu451:i lied i trying to get passwords please make them stop

    NewfPyr:Okay. The repair team isn't coming anymore.


    NewfPyr:But a team of FBI agents is.


    Zabu451:im sorry

    Zabu451:ill never do it again please make them not come


    NewfPyr:I'm sorry, I can't do that. They should be at your house in 5 minutes.




    NewfPyr:They won't hurt you! You'll probobly only spend a year of prison.

    Zabu451:NO IM ONLY A KID

    NewfPyr:You are? That makes it diferent. You wont go to prison for a year.

    Zabu451:i thout so

    NewfPyr:You'll go for two years.

    Zabu451:NO! IM SORRY



    [I thought this was enough. He was probably wetting his pants.]

    NewfPyr:Since this was a first time offense, I think I can drop charges.



    NewfPyr:The FBI agents have been withdrawn. If you ever do it again, we' ll bump you off.

    Zabu451:i wont im sorry goodbye

    [He promptly signed off.]

    Ahh, Lowtax would be so proud... (n/t) (none / 0) (#270)
    by wocko on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:14:13 AM EST

    [ Parent ]
    Three Criminals On The Run (2.75 / 12) (#180)
    by mortisimo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:32:30 AM EST

    Three criminals are hiding in three different trees after a bank robbery. A cop looking for the criminals comes up to the first tree and thinks he sees something so he yells "Come out of the tree with your hands up!"

    The criminal in the tree says "Tweet! Tweet! Po-Tweet!"

    "Just a dimb bird!" says the cop and he moves along to the next tree. Again the cop thinks he sees something and yells up into the tree.

    The second criminal in the tree says "Meow! Meow! Meow!"

    "Just a stupid cat!" says the cop and he moves on the next tree. Again he yells out to come out of the tree.

    The third criminal in the tree says "Moooo! Moooo! Moooo!"

    Different version (4.00 / 1) (#319)
    by jethro on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:40:16 PM EST

    Criminals up in a tree, blah blah blah, cop tells the first one to come down, guy goes "Meowww!", cop thinks "Stupid cat."

    Cop goes to the second tree and says "Hey! Come outta there!" Guy in tree goes "Meowww!", cop says "Another cat!"

    Cop goes to the next tree and says "Hey! Come outta there!" and the guy goes "I'm a cat too."

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kinky.
    [ Parent ]

    Funny... (3.62 / 24) (#181)
    by GhostfacedFiddlah on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:34:41 AM EST

    This one sounds like it should be a racist joke, but I have trouble seeing the offence.  Apologies if anyone does get offended though.

    So a Chinese guy and a Jewish guy walk into a bar.

    On his way in, the Jewish guy slaps the Chinese guy in the head.

    "What the hell was that for?", exclaims the Chinese guy.

    "That was for Pearl Harbour."
    "That was the Japanese, not the Chinese, moron!"
    "Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me."

    So on his way out, the Chinese guy walks over and slaps the Jewish guy.

    "What the hell was that for?"
    "That was for sinking the Titanic."
    "What?  That was an iceberg!"

    "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg..."

    Not safe for work (1.35 / 14) (#182)
    by ebatsky on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:42:22 AM EST

    This is also kind of long and was also stolen from some message board a few months ago:

    VictimX_26: Hi
    Cheesedog: hello
    Cheesedog: who is this?
    VictimX_26: just a someone?
    Cheesedog: A someone I know?
    VictimX_26: nope
    Cheesedog: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
    VictimX_26: well sorrrrrry
    VictimX_26: I just wanted to chat with you
    Cheesedog: why?
    VictimX_26: nevermind your an asshole
    Cheesedog: Hey wait a minute
    VictimX_26: yes?
    Cheesedog: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
    VictimX_26: paranoid?
    Cheesedog: yes
    VictimX_26: of what?
    VictimX_26: me?
    Cheesedog: No. I'm in hiding.
    VictimX_26: LOL
    Cheesedog: Don't fucking laugh at me!
    Cheesedog: This shit is serious!
    VictimX_26: What are you hiding from?
    Cheesedog: The cops.
    VictimX_26: gimme a fucking break
    Cheesedog: I'm serious.
    VictimX_26: I don't get it
    Cheesedog: The cops are after me.
    VictimX_26: For what?
    Cheesedog: I'm wanted in three states
    VictimX_26: For???
    Cheesedog: It's kindof embarrasing.
    Cheesedog: I had sex with a turkey.
    Cheesedog: Hello?
    VictimX_26: You are fucking sick.
    Cheesedog: Send me your @#%$.
    VictimX_26: why?
    Cheesedog: so I know you aren't one of them.
    VictimX_26: One of what?
    Cheesedog: The cops.
    VictimX_26: I'm not a cop i told you
    Cheesedog: Then send me your @#%$.
    VictimX_26: hold on
    Cheesedog: Hurry up.
    Cheesedog: Are you there?
    Cheesedog: Fuck you, cop!
    VictimX_26: Hey sorry
    VictimX_26: I had to do something for my mom.
    Cheesedog: I thought you were trying to find a @#%$ to send to me.
    Cheesedog: When really you were notifying the authorities.
    Cheesedog: Weren't you!?
    VictimX_26: thats not it
    Cheesedog: Then what?
    VictimX_26: I don't want to send you the @#%$ cause I'm not pretty
    Cheesedog: Most cops aren't
    Cheesedog: Then send me the @#%$.
    VictimX_26: fine. What's your e-mail?
    Cheesedog: Just send it through here.
    VictimX_26: alright *PIC*
    VictimX_26: Did you get it?
    Cheesedog: Hold on. I'm looking.
    VictimX_26: That was me back in may
    VictimX_26: I've lost weight since then.
    Cheesedog: I hope so
    VictimX_26: what?!?
    VictimX_26: that hurt my feelings.
    Cheesedog: Did it?
    VictimX_26: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
    Cheesedog: Will it make you feel better if I send you my @#%$?
    VictimX_26: yes
    Cheesedog: Alright let me find it.
    VictimX_26: kks
    Cheesedog: Okay here it is. *PIC*
    VictimX_26: this isn't you.
    Cheesedog: I'll be damned if it ain't!
    VictimX_26: You don't look like that.
    Cheesedog: How the hell do you know?
    VictimX_26: cause your profile has another @#%$.
    Cheesedog: The profile pic is a fake.
    Cheesedog: I use it to hide from the cops.
    VictimX_26: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
    Cheesedog: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
    Cheesedog: Not to mention all the groceries.
    VictimX_26: Go fuck yourself
    Cheesedog: I was going to until I saw that @#%$
    Cheesedog: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
    VictimX_26: I shouldn't have sent you that @#%$.
    VictimX_26: You've done nothing but slam me.
    VictimX_26: you hurt me.
    Cheesedog: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
    VictimX_26: I thought you were bullshitting me!
    Cheesedog: Why would I do that?
    VictimX_26: I can't believe that cops are after you
    Cheesedog: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
    VictimX_26: FUCK YOU!!!
    Cheesedog: You'd break both of his legs.
    VictimX_26: You're a fucking asshole.
    VictimX_26: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
    VictimX_26: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
    Cheesedog: Ok. I'm sorry.
    VictimX_26: No you aren't
    Cheesedog: You're right. I'm not.
    Cheesedog: HAARRRRR!
    VictimX_26: I'm done with you
    Cheesedog: Aww. I'm sorry.
    VictimX_26: I'm putting you on ignore
    Cheesedog: Wait a sec
    Cheesedog: We got off on the wrong foot.
    Cheesedog: Wanna start over?
    VictimX_26: No
    Cheesedog: I'll eat your pussy
    VictimX_26: You'll what?
    Cheesedog: You heard me.
    Cheesedog: I said I'd eat your pussy.
    VictimX_26: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my @#%$
    Cheesedog: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
    VictimX_26: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
    Cheesedog: Well I'm not like most men.
    Cheesedog: I get excited in different ways.
    VictimX_26: Like what?
    Cheesedog: Do you really wanna know?
    VictimX_26: I don't know
    Cheesedog: You have to tell me yes or no.
    VictimX_26: I'm afraid to
    Cheesedog: Why?
    VictimX_26: cause
    Cheesedog: cause why?
    VictimX_26: well lets see
    VictimX_26: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
    VictimX_26: doesn't that seem strange to you?
    Cheesedog: Nope
    VictimX_26: well its strange to me
    Cheesedog: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
    VictimX_26: I didn't say that
    Cheesedog: So is that a yes?
    VictimX_26: I guess so.
    Cheesedog: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
    Cheesedog: Are you willing?
    VictimX_26: What do you need me to do?
    Cheesedog: I need you talk like a pirate.
    VictimX_26: ???
    Cheesedog: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
    Cheesedog: ok?
    Cheesedog: Hello?
    VictimX_26: You can't be serious
    Cheesedog: Oh yes I am!
    Cheesedog: It's my fantasy.
    VictimX_26: this is retarded
    Cheesedog: Do you want it or not?
    VictimX_26: Yes I want it.
    Cheesedog: Then you'll do it for me?
    VictimX_26: sure  
    Cheesedog: Ok. Here we go.
    Cheesedog: I gently remove your @#%$ and being to massage your thighs.
    Cheesedog: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
    Cheesedog: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
    Cheesedog: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
    VictimX_26: mmmm yeah
    Cheesedog: uh oh ...going limp.
    VictimX_26: Har
    Cheesedog: You gotta do better than that!
    Cheesedog: Your @#%$ was really bad.
    Cheesedog: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more @#%$ with every stroke.
    Cheesedog: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
    Cheesedog: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
    Cheesedog: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
    VictimX_26: mmmmmm you are good
    Cheesedog: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
    Cheesedog: going limp
    VictimX_26: HARRRRRRR
    Cheesedog: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
    Cheesedog: You begin to sway back and forth.
    Cheesedog: going limp
    VictimX_26: this is stupid
    Cheesedog: ...still limp
    Cheesedog: Do it!
    Cheesedog: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
    Cheesedog: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
    Cheesedog: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
    VictimX_26: WTF?!?!?
    Cheesedog: They stink really bad.
    VictimX_26: OMG STOP!!!
    Cheesedog: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
    Cheesedog: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
    Cheesedog: I ram it up your ass.
    Cheesedog: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
    Cheesedog: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
    Cheesedog: I kick you in the face!
    VictimX_26: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
    Cheesedog: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
    Cheesedog: Your parrot flys away.
    Cheesedog: ...going limp again.
    Cheesedog: Hello?
    Cheesedog: Say it!
    Cheesedog: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
    VictimX_26: <USER NOT FOUND>

    die (2.00 / 1) (#202)
    by Perianwyr on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:19:50 AM EST

    asap. irl. kthx.

    [ Parent ]
    Capitalism haw haw (another joke I've heard) (3.19 / 21) (#184)
    by emad on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:52:00 AM EST

    Disclaimer: The following joke I hereby provide is fictional and is not meant to be understood as an actual interaction of persons. The sole intent of such content is to amuse.

    As Ayn Rand and her followers put forward clearly, the world's needs (what the author considers the commons) can indeed be served by private interests, since doing so would be profitable to them. I have
    staged a skit to illustrate this:

    CITIZEN #1: Please, Mr. Capitalist, for a profit of $1, will you feed, clothe, and care for this child? CAPITALIST: Of course! I will do this for a mere profit of one dollar, for private enterprise is happy to take on these public burdens if there is even the slightest profit!

    CITIZEN #1: Thank you, Mr. Capitalist. I knew we could come to some sort of an arrange

    So you see, private enterprise can be trusted to? oh. Wait? here comes another citizen?

    CITIZEN #2: Here, Mr. Capitalist, for a profit of $2, will you kill, cook, and serve this child?

    CAPITALIST: Hot damn! TWO dollars! Where's the salt?

    thought of another one... (3.77 / 22) (#185)
    by pb on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:55:49 AM EST

    I originally posted this from memory, and it was ok, but after searching online I found a better version, which I will both link to and quote from.

    This blond guy is sitting in a bar, located on the 10th floor of a high-rise building. Sitting next to him is a dark-haired guy who looks like he's been drinking awhile.

    The dark haired guy turns to the blond guy and says, "You know the alley between this building and the high-rise next door?"

    "Yeah, what about it?" answers the blond guy, as the bartender sets another drink down in front of him.

    "Well," says the dark-haired guy, "there's a really strong draft between the two buildings. If you jumped out the window, the draft would keep you from falling and bring you back up."
    "No way, you're lying," says the blond guy.

    "I'll prove it to you," says the dark-haired guy.

    So the two guys and the bartender walk over to the window. The dark-haired guy jumps out and starts to fall. About four floors from the ground, he starts heading back up. He grabs the window ledge and the other guy helps him back in.

    The blond guy decides he wants to try that, so he jumps out the window. But he doesn't come back up. Instead, he hits the ground with a SPLAT. The dark-haired guy returns to his seat, followed by the bartender.

    As the bartender gives him another drink, he says, "You know, you really are a mean drunk Superman."
    "See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
    -- pwhysall

    Sam meets Leon (3.91 / 24) (#186)
    by iidkyimys on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:04:56 AM EST

    Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Leon is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Leon stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I will be there. Thanks again." Once again, Leon turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam; "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?" Leon stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

    *lol* (none / 0) (#300)
    by jethro on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:06:43 PM EST

    I've been living in Minnesota for four years, and that is just SO true.

    The sad part is it's not a middle-of-nowhere thing - I can totally see my neighbours in the appartment building doing that...

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is kinky.
    [ Parent ]

    heights (2.53 / 13) (#187)
    by combcox on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:09:35 AM EST

    #Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
    #Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a dollar on an island of gays
    #Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw
    #Height of Technology: Condom with zip
    #Height of Penetration: A baby girl born pregnant
    #Height of Darkness: A black searching for his penis in a coal mine
    #Height of Fashion: 1. A female applying LipStick to her vaginal Lips
    #Height of Patience: A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for banana to fall in her pussy...
    #Height of Coincidence: And the banana falling in
    #Height of Unemployment: A cobweb in a prostitute's cunt
    #Height of Noise : Two skeletons having sex in a tin room
    #Height of Comparison : Pissing in front of Niagara Falls
    #Height of Heights: Shitting on top of Mt everest and raising it by two inches
    #Height of Innocence: 1) A girl applying cream on her nipples assuming them to be pimples
    2) A pregnant woman buying one and half tickets.
    # Height of Irritation: A one handed guy hanging from a cliff, and his balls itching.

    Sadly lacking: The Ultimate Chicken Joke (3.96 / 29) (#188)
    by Blarney on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:40:45 AM EST

    A lonely man finds himself in need of sexual relief, so he goes to a local house of ill repute in order to obtain it. He meets the madam, and she tells him it costs $100. Fortunately, he has the $100 and she sends him to a room with a beautiful young woman in it.

    Sometime later, he returns to the same house, but he only has $10 due to an extended period of unemployment. The madam expresses her sympathies, and offers to help him anyway. She sends him to a room with a chicken in it. At first he feels greatly ashamed, but realizing that there is nobody to watch him he goes ahead and penetrates the rear of the bird, and successfully achieves orgasm.

    Even later, he is down to his last $5. The madam shakes her head sadly, but agrees to help him anyway. She sends him to a dark room with a window in it and several other lonely men like himself inside. Through the window, he can see a man having sex with the beautiful young woman whose attentions he had previously enjoyed. Overcoming his natural embarrassment, he unzips, takes himself in hand, and does what he needs to.

    The lights go on in the room, and the madam tosses in a roll of paper towels for the men to clean themselves up with. As he is wiping himself, another man speaks to him. He says:

    "You should have been here a few weeks ago. There was a guy in there fucking a chicken!"

    I heard this one in 3rd grade. Truly a timeless classic.

    my two best (or worst) (3.33 / 12) (#189)
    by jeffycore on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:43:51 AM EST

    1. So two apples are sitting in the microwave. One apple turns to the other apple and says 'Is it hot in here?' and the other apple says 'HOLY SHIT A TALKING APPLE!'

    Q: Where did the king keep his armies?
    A: In his sleevies.

    (in all fairness, these were told to me by a friend of mine.)

    grue humor (3.36 / 11) (#190)
    by fluffy grue on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:49:51 AM EST

    How many adventurers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    None, if I have anything to say about it.
    "Is a sentence fragment" is a sentence fragment.
    "Is not a quine" is not a quine.

    [ Hug Your Trikuare ]

    Party at neighbors (3.16 / 12) (#191)
    by lukkk on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:50:42 AM EST

    A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

    "There will be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says "Okay, why not."
    "There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbor.
    "It's okay, I can sing", he answers.
    "And know that there will be heavy drinking too."
    "That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."
    "There will be fighting too", says the neighbor.
    "Uh, okay, I think I can live with that", he says.
    "And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."
    "Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.
    "So I can count you in?", asks the neighbor.
    "You bet you can", he says enthusiasticly.
    "Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neigbor and turns to go away.
    "Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbor. "Is there going to be lots of people?", asks the man. The neighbor says, over his shoulder: "Two."

    different ending (none / 0) (#437)
    by damiam on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 08:02:40 PM EST

    I like this ending better:

    "How should I dress?"
    "Oh, doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

    [ Parent ]

    It is being anime joke! (2.00 / 11) (#192)
    by enani on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:51:34 AM EST

    Guess what Akira said when his girlfriend told him to be making a cake!

    "AKIRA NO BAKE-A!!!!!"
    --=* Moshi-moshi! *=--

    This is probably too funny for you (1.71 / 14) (#195)
    by I Am An Orange So There on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:57:58 AM EST

    One day, we will drink your juice. In the meantime, however, here is one of my favorite jokes.

    An orange and an apple are sitting at a bar, enjoying fresh human squeezings, when suddenly the pope walks in.

    "Glorious fruits of God," he asks, "why have you saved me?"

    "Isn't it obvious?" says the orange. "You're the pulp!"

    "I believe you have heard wrong. I am the pope, not the pulp."

    "Oh, my mistake," says the orange, and has the apple promptly messily execute the pope.

    Mmm, pope pulp!

    Navel gazers unite!

    A man walks into a bar ... (4.00 / 22) (#196)
    by matthijs on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:04:16 AM EST

    I heard this one in a Dutch bar. I hope it survives my translation.

    A man walks into a bar with under his right arm a crocodile and in his left hand a baseball bat. After having a couple of drinks with the guys at the bar he wants to make a bet:
    - I bet you all that I can have this crocodile here hangin' on my nuts with his jaws for 30 seconds and after that everything comes out unscratched!
    Surely the men at the bar want to see that so they take the bet. The man drops his pants and puts the crocodile in place. After exactly 30 seconds he hits the crocodile on the head with the baseball bat and it lets go. All the men then may have a look upclose: everything completely unscratched! So the man wins his bets and everyone buys him a beer. After a while the man gets up again and asks:
    - Does anyone want to try it themselves?
    Silence. None of the men at the bar seems willing to try it out. Eventually a blond girl steps forward saying somewhat hesitantly:
    - I'm willing to try it sir ... but I'd prefer it if you don't hit me on the head with the baseball bat.

    For those who like science jokes and killing productivity, here's more:

    none particularily? (2.18 / 11) (#197)
    by none on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:06:18 AM EST

    1. A pedophile meets two third graders and asks them to go in quiet place nearby. P: My sweethearths, would you take off your caps if I gave you a candy? Girls: Sure! They make the transaction. After they finish the candies... P: Aaa... aaa.. would you also take off your gloves if I gave you a candy? Girs: Sure! Another set of candies goes by... P: Aaa.. aaa... do you think you could take off your coats if I gave you a candy? Girls (one to the other): Sandy, let's get the hell outta here, 'cause we'll get into diabetes before this guy makes out with us. 2. Another pedophile in a plane. In the same plane a bunch of kids. Something happens to the plane and well, people start screaming "Protect the kids!". The pedophile sais to himself: "Yes, the kids..."

    Catholic jokes (1.00 / 1) (#203)
    by nictamer on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:40:37 AM EST

    A pedophile and a little girl are walking hand in hand in the forest at night. The girl says: "brr ... I'm very scared of this place." The pedophile replies: "me too ... and on top of that I'll have to go back by myself"
    Religion is for sheep.
    [ Parent ]
    Huh? (none / 0) (#274)
    by The Private Fedora on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:35:47 AM EST

    This is a Catholic Joke?

    "Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?"
    Patrick Henry, The War Inevitable, March 23, 1775
    [ Parent ]
    Quasimodo Joke - Prepare to groan (4.07 / 26) (#198)
    by fatbobsmith on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:08:00 AM EST

    So, Quasimodo has this job. He's the bell-ringer at the church of Notre Dame, in France. He's been at the job for years. Never had a break. Never had a vacation. Nuthin. One day he decides it's about time he had some time off. Problem is, the whole town depends on him to ring the bell each hour...so he has to find someone to take his place while he's gone.

    The next day he puts a "help wanted" sign up in front of the church, and a day or two goes by and he hears someone coming up the stairs. As the guy gets to the top of the stairs, Quasimodo notices that the guy has no arms!

    "Hey, I'm here to apply for the bell ringer job." the guys says. He seems nice enough, but Quasimodo explains that to ring the bell you have to pull this rope pretty hard...and well, the guy doesn't have arms.

    "Oh, that's no problem!" the guy says. "Here, I'll show you..."

    The armless guy takes a few steps back, jogs in place a little, then runs full speed at the bell, dives at it and hits it with his head, ringing the bell. Quasimodo is a little surprised at this, but before he can say anything, the guy steps back again, gets a big running start, dives at the bell...and completely misses, falling out the bell tower window, down the church tower and into the square below. SPLAT!

    Quasimodo runs down the stairs to the square, where people have started to gather around the body. "Who was that?" one of them asks.

    "I don't know, but his face rings a bell!"

    ba da ching!

    So...Quasimodo still needs someone to fill in for him while he goes on vacation, and after all this business of the armless man jumping to his death, he's even more stressed out than before. To his delight, he hears somebody coming up the bell tower stairs. As he nears the top, Quasimodo notices to his astonishment that it's the SAME ARMLESS MAN!

    Quasimodo is speechless.

    The armless man notices the strange expression on Quasimodo's face and tells him that he is the twin brother of the man that was here earlier, and feels he has a moral obligation to do the job his brother came to do before his untimely death. Obviously, Quasimodo is a little nervous about this idea.

    "No worries." the armless man says. "Here, let me show you."

    With that, the man takes a few steps back, jogs in place a little, then suddenly runs full speed at the bell, dives and smacks it with his head. Quasimodo is beside himself. Before he can say anything, the brother takes a few steps back again, runs, dives...and completely misses the bell, falling down, down down...and SPLAT!

    The townfolk gather around and start asking who this second armless man was.

    Quasimodo answers "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"


    commence groaning.

    Some random ones (3.17 / 17) (#199)
    by epepke on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:30:22 AM EST

    A: Knock Knock
    B: Who's there?
    A: Knock Knock
    B: Who's there?
    A: Knock Knock
    B: Who's there?
    A: Knock Knock
    B: Who's there?
    A: Philip Glass

    A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. The priest walks into a bar. The rabbi steps around it.

    Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
    A: Elephant grape sin theta

    Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Fish!

    Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: That's not funny!

    Q: How Long is a Chinese science fiction writer?
    A: Yes, he is, a pretty good one, too.

    Q: What do you call a woman with no legs?

    One magician says to another, "Who was that lady I sawed with you last night?" (Credit to Walt Kelley)

    The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.--Terry Pratchett

    Musician joke (4.00 / 1) (#246)
    by bob6 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:42:42 AM EST

    The first one reminds me of one.
    IANAMusician and I find interesting every musician laugh at this one:

    How can you tell a bass player is knocking at your door?
    He knocks too fast.

    How can you tell a bass player and a drummer are knocking at your door?
    The drummer says: "You're knocking too fast".

    [ Parent ]
    another musician joke (4.00 / 1) (#285)
    by tyriphobe on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:26:39 PM EST

    What's the worst thing about dating a French horn player?

    Every time you kiss her she tries to stick her hand up your ass.

    [ Parent ]

    MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church (2.00 / 7) (#204)
    by tbc on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:44:01 AM EST

    From: Newswire Mailing
    To: IS Daily News Services for Executives
    Cc: Newswire Mailing
    Subject: MICROSOFT: Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
    Date: Tuesday, November 29, 1994 7:16AM

    MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

    By Hank Vorjes

    VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

    A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

    The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

    Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.


    Copyright (c) 1994 Knight-Ridder / Tribune Business News
    Received via NewsEDGE from Desktop Data, Inc.: 03/07/94 19:20

    Microsoft Denies Buying Catholic Church (3.00 / 1) (#206)
    by tbc on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:49:23 AM EST

    This press release is official.

    SEATTLE (Reuter) -- In one of the oddest items yet to come spinning out of cyberspace, software giant Microsoft Corp. issued a statement Friday denying it was seeking to acquire the Roman Catholic Church.

    Such is life on the information superhighway.

    Microsoft, the largest software company in the world, fell victim to an electronic hoax that showed the much-ballyhooed superhighway can just as easily carry nonsense as well as useful data.

    The hoax forced the company to deny the report circulating on the Internet that it planned to acquire the Roman Catholic Church. The Internet is the global web of computer networks, reaching 20 million users.

    "The story has no truth and was not generated by the company," the Microsoft statement said. "The company is not aware how the electronic message originated but maintains strict policies internally concerning the proper use of electronic communications."

    A Microsoft spokeswoman said the false report, written in the guise of a news article supposedly issued by a major news organization, was first noticed a little more than a week ago. Since then, it has has bounced around on the Internet, generating a flood of angry telephone calls and electronic mail messages to the company.

    The item was even picked up and mentioned on the air by nationally syndicated radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, the spokeswoman said.

    The Internet is envisioned by Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates as a foundation for the information superhighway. It is also an important selling point of Microsoft's upcoming Windows 95 operating system and of the company's planned on-line network.

    But some Internet users have recently come under fire for turning it into an electronic free-for-all of unregulated communications, where the unwelcome are "flamed" with profane e-mail and pornography has sometimes been disseminated.

    [ Parent ]
    Relative distance and perspective (3.33 / 18) (#208)
    by Perianwyr on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:56:04 AM EST

    A Texan rancher goes to Ireland for a conference, and on his way to the venue, he passes through a village, and sees a pub. Struck by a sudden wish to experience an authentic pub, he decides to stop for a pint. He walks in and sits down at the bar. The Texan orders a pint, and decides to strike up a conversation with the guy next to him. He finds out that the guy is a farmer, and gets to talking about land. The farmer says, "I've got the biggest farm in the area, it leads all the way from just up the road to the county line!" The Texan, wishing to impress the farmer with the size of his ranch, says "You know, one day I decided for the heck of it to go and drive all the way across my land. Took me a whole day 'fore I saw the end of it." The Irishman nods his head sadly, saying "Oh, I know how it is." The rancher is surprised at the turn of emotion- how could having so much land be a sad thing? "What do you mean?"

    "Oh, I used to have a car like that myself, too."

    Oldie, but goodie (3.87 / 32) (#209)
    by CaptainZapp on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:01:24 AM EST

    Two construction workers are drinking beer in a very rough bar. They drink beer and argue and drink beer and fight and drink beer and lament...

    Suddenly a very well dressed gentleman enters the bar and our constuction worker friends start to argue about what he's doing for an occupation.

    Worker 1: "He must be a stock broker"

    Worker 2: "Nah, stock brokers don't come into shabby places like this, the guy's an accountant!"

    W1: "Never! He must be a stock broker."

    And so they argue and drink beer until the beer gets the better of one of our friends and he proceeds to the loo. Coincidentally there's the well dressed gentleman taking a leek at the other urinal. Our friend (let's call him W1) can't hold back and says:

    W1: "Excuse me and no offense, but my friend and I we where wondering what you're doing for an occupation."

    Well Dressed Gentleman: "No offense taken, in fact I have a rather interesting profession: I'm a logical scientist."

    W1: "Huh?"

    WDG: "I give you an example: Do you have a goldfish?"

    W1: "As a matter of fact: Yes, I do."

    WDG: "Now it's a safe guess, that you either keep it in a bowl or in a pond, which is it?"

    W1: "Yeah, you're right, it's in a pond."

    WDG: "Aha, it's a fairly simple conclusion then, that you probably have a garden and live in a big house."

    W1: (proudly) " Yeah, 6 bedrooms, I built it myself!"

    WDG: "But you wouldn't live alone in a six bedroom house. I assume you're married and quite likely have kids."

    W1: "Yeah, three kids!"

    WDG: "Ok, if you have three kids then it's a safe assumption that you have a lot of sex with your wife."

    W1: "Oh, absolutely; four times a week."

    WDG: "Well, if you have 4 times sex with your wife per week, then you probably very rarely masturbate."

    W1: "Who? Me? Never!!!"

    WDG: "You see, that's what us logical scientists do: From the little piece of information that you own a goldfish I could conclude how you live, your maritial and family status up to even including your sex life."

    Our construction worker friend is duely impressed and goes back to his pal. Immediately he blurts:

    W1: "I met the well dressed gentleman, I know what he does!"

    W2: "So, what is it?"

    W1: "He's a logical scientist."

    W2: "Huh?"

    W1: "I give you an example: Do you have a goldfish?"

    W2: "No!"

    W1: "Then you're a wanker!"

    Jokes (1.17 / 47) (#211)
    by klerck on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:27:15 AM EST

    Q: What's the worst thing about niggers?
    A: The smell.

    Q: What's long, black and smells funny?
    A: The unemployment line.

    Q: What do you call a nigger without a job?
    A: Your average lazy nigger.

    Plumbing the colon for laughs and merriment (4.00 / 2) (#215)
    by Perianwyr on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:25:37 AM EST

    I do like how you strung them together. If you'd swapped the positions of the second and third jokes, you'd have made an offensive, racist logical expression of a sort.

    You still get a low rating though. C'est la vie.

    [ Parent ]

    Riddle: (4.00 / 1) (#384)
    by Edgy Loner on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:37:39 PM EST

    What's black and blue and floats down the river face down?

    A white man telling nigger jokes.

    This is not my beautiful house.
    This is not my beautiful knife.
    [ Parent ]
    another bill gates joke (4.42 / 45) (#212)
    by squat12 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:15:21 AM EST

    I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."


    "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"


    I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Bill Gates.

    "Hi, Ray," he said.

    I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

    hahahahaha (none / 0) (#281)
    by vile on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:58:52 AM EST


    The money is in the treatment, not the cure.
    [ Parent ]
    My personal favorite (4.00 / 22) (#213)
    by xav on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:21:49 AM EST

    An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when three Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...

    The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was an homosexual." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."

    So the second man goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.

    When the third Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

    The pedophile and the... (2.66 / 15) (#214)
    by Meatbomb on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:23:41 AM EST

    ...little girl are walking through the dark forest.

    Noise: Hoooo
    Little girl: What was that?
    Pedophile: I don't know.
    Little girl: I'm scared.
    Pedophile: YOU'RE scared? I have to walk back alone!


    Good News for Liberal Democracy!

    The worst thing about being a pedophile is (3.25 / 4) (#226)
    by Hektor on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:33:50 AM EST

    that you have to go to bed so fucking early.

    [ Parent ]
    Not necessarily PC (3.66 / 18) (#216)
    by CaptainZapp on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:37:24 AM EST

    With apologies to everybody offended:

    Two English blokes visit Dublin in Ireland. Of course they sample the fine Irish beers and move from pub to pub in the process. It gets late and the closing hour approaches. So they go to their final destination a tiny pub with only two people in it: There's the pub keep of course and then there's a priest. The priest is nursing a small whisky and minding his business.

    Our two Limey friends - drunk as skunks - ask the pub keep:

    Who's that?

    The pub keep replies:

    That's father Mahoney, he's the most patient man in the universe and you really can't annoy him or insult him.

    Of course, drunk as they are our friends immediately go for the bait and one of them approaches father Mahoney:

    Father, did you know that the pope's a pox ridden faggot and that his mother is a syphilytic whore?


    says father Mahoney:

    I happen to know, that you are wrong but if you truly believe this, then go in peace.

    Our English friend is flustered, to say the least, and his friend is not really impressed and decides to give it another shot:

    Father, do you know that the pope's an Englishman?

    Father Mahoney only looks at him and says:

    That's what your friend just told me!

    Lose 10 pounds in one day (4.18 / 32) (#217)
    by Riktov on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:41:19 AM EST

    One day a guy comes across a sign on a telephone pole:"LOSE 10 POUNDS IN ONE DAY!"
    He's pretty overweight, so he decides to call the number, and they tell him to to just be at home at a certain time, and they'd send someone to meet him.
    At the appointed time, the doorbell rings, and there's a gorgeous woman in a tank top and shorts. She tells him seductively, "If you can catch me, I'll let you have sex with me," and starts running.
    He chases her for miles and miles, but finally catches up to her and they have wild sex. The next morning he weighs himself, and is pleased to find that thanks to all the running and the wild sex, he's 10 pounds lighter.

    It's a few weeks later and he's still rather overweight so he calls up the company and asks if they have any other weight-loss programs. "Well, there's the LOSE 20 POUNDS IN ONE DAY plan", they tell him. Just be at home at a certain time, and they'd send someone to meet him.
    At the appointed time, the doorbell rings, and this time there's two gorgeous women, both hotter than the previous one. They tell him seductively, "If you can catch us, we'll let you have sex with us." and start running.
    He chases them for miles and miles, but finally catches up to them and they have wild sex. The next morning he weighs himself, and is pleased to find that he's 20 pounds lighter!

    So it's a few weeks later and he's STILL a bit overweight so he calls up the company and asks if they have any OTHER weight-loss programs. "Well, uh, there IS the LOSE 50 POUNDS IN ONE DAY plan", they tell him. But, they say, it's rather extreme, and recommend it only if you really need to lose weight fast. He assures them that he does, so they reluctantly agree.
    Just be at home at a certain time, and they'd send someone to meet him.
    At the appointed time, the doorbell rings.
    There's a big, beefy, barechested guy with a mustache, who says with a smile, "Start running."

    i saw that one coming... (none / 0) (#276)
    by Run4YourLives on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:37:57 AM EST

    a mile away.

    It's slightly Japanese, but without all of that fanatical devotion to the workplace. - CheeseburgerBrown
    [ Parent ]
    The Pope visits Ireland (3.72 / 22) (#218)
    by GoStone on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:53:53 AM EST

    One man really wants to meet the Pope so he queues at Dublin airport for two days and nights. When the Pope's plane lands our man is at the head of a long queue. The Pope gets off the plane, kisses the tarmac, walks straight past our man and has a few quiet words with a black fellow further down the queue.

    Later in the bar our man is deeply upset. His friend consoles him.

    "Don't worry" he says, "the Pope flies to Cork tomorrow. Black your face up and stand in the queue. He's sure to talk to you."

    So that's what our man does. The next morning the Pope gets off the plane and walks along the queue straight to our man. He whispers in his ear,

    "I thought I told you to fuck off last time I saw you."

    Cut first, ask questions later

    No (none / 0) (#219)
    by GoStone on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:55:30 AM EST

    I'm not racist, anti-catholic or anti-Irish. Just thought it was funny.

    Cut first, ask questions later
    [ Parent ]
    Pink Elephant (2.83 / 12) (#222)
    by MotorMachineMercenary on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:09:37 AM EST

    A herd of elephants lumbers down a narrow path to a drinking well. There are all kinds of elephants in the herd, along with a weeny, sickly pink elephant.

    The herd stumbles upon a huge tree-trunk which blocks their way; there is no way around or over it. They have to try to move it.

    A young, muscular elephant comes to the front:

    "Let me move the tree out of the way so we can get a drink!"

    He wraps its long trunk around the tree and heave, Heave, HEAVES...

    ...but the damn tree doesn't even budge.

    The herd is getting restless. An older and even bigger elephant comes to the fore:

    "Move out of the way, I'll lift the tree out of our way!"

    He wraps his trunk around the tree, sets his tusks below it for leverage, and heave, Heave, HEAVES...

    ...but the damn tree doesn't even budge.

    Now the herd is getting worried. But they give way to the eldest, a revered and strong elephant:

    "Now, young ones, let me show you how it's done!"

    He wraps his trunk around the tree, sets his tusks below it for leverage, settles his feet wide and low, and heave, Heave, HEAVES...

    ...but the damn tree doesn't even budge.

    The herd is getting desperate. There is no elephant bigger, stronger or more wise than those three. Suddenly, a small peep from the back of the pack is heard:

    "Let me try," says the pink elephant!

    The whole herd breaks out in incredulous laughter as they dismiss the pink elephant. But the eldest elephant says:

    "Hmmm, we have nothing to lose, let him try!"

    The herd gives way to the teensy elephant, who timidly mouses his way to the front.

    He wraps his tiny trunk around the tree, sets his stubby tusks below it for leverage, settles his itsy-bitsy feet wide and low, sets its little butt high up in the air, and heave, Heave, HEAVES...

    ...but the damn tree doesn't even budge.

    not a joke, but funny in a different way. (none / 0) (#267)
    by Burning Straw Man on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:07:17 AM EST

    that joke is going to depress me all day. thanks. kinda like buying a book of Roald Dahl short stories for your kids, expecting things like "James and the Giant Peach", "Matilda", and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", and instead getting all the short stories he wrote for Playboy.
    your straw man is on fire...
    [ Parent ]
    THIS JOEK == TEH ROKC!!!111 (4.16 / 31) (#224)
    by komet on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:28:36 AM EST

    A man goes to interview for a job as a salesman. The interview goes pretty well and the HR guy is pretty impressed. However, the man has an annoying habit: he keeps winking all the time! So the HR guy says:

    "Look, I'd hire you on the spot if it wasn't for the fact that you're continuously winking. It's sure to annoy all our customers. I'm sorry, I can't let you have the job."

    The man replies: "Oh, that's no problem. All I have to do is swallow two aspirins and the habit will go away."

    So he opens up his bag and empties it on the desk. To his surprise, the HR guy sees that the man has loads of condoms! Blue ones, green ones, extra-large and stawberry flavoured ones. At the bottom of his bag, the man finds the aspirins and takes them. Sure enough, his eye stops winking immediately.

    The HR guy exclaims: "Yes, your eye's stopped winking, but what's up with all these condoms? We can't have a womanizer on the staff!"

    The man says: "Oh, it's not that, I'm a happily married man! I never wanted to buy so many condoms! But have you ever tried going to the drugstore, winking like mad, and asking for a packet of aspirins?"


    In the confessional (3.78 / 23) (#225)
    by RandomPeon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:31:51 AM EST

    A priest is on duty in the confessional while the janitor is cleaning the church.  The priest needs to run an errand so he gets the janitor.

    Priest:  "Sit in the confessional for me for half an hour"

    Janitor:  "Is there anything I need to know?"

    Priest:  "Just that old widow O'Leary always comes in about this time of day.  She always has some minor sin that's troubling her, so just give her ten hail Mary's"

    So, the widow comes in and says, "Father, I have sinned.  I have given a man a blowjob."

    The janitor knows that ten hail Mary's isn't enough, so he runs and finds the altar boy.

    "Quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?" he asks.

    "A Snickers Bar and a Coke!" says the altar boy.

    A Cold War Era Polish Joke (3.11 / 9) (#227)
    by gibichung on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:04:36 AM EST

    "We have two official churches--Catholic and Communist,"

    "That's why we have meatless Fridays and meatless Mondays."

    "No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's permission when we require him to obey it." -- Theodore Roosevelt

    The Engineer in Hell (4.28 / 35) (#228)
    by shyy on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:06:39 AM EST

    So there's this engineer who dies and finds himself in hell. He's a little bit bent out of shape about it at first, but eventually comes to terms with it. He looks around and decides that the place could use a little fixing-up.

    ...Sometime later God gives The Devil a call and he askes, "So how are things going down there in hell?"

    The devil replies, "Oh, great! We've got running water, bridges everywhere, an Internet connection, and even an air conditioning system in place! It's all thanks to this engineer who showed up a little while back."

    So God says, "Wait a minute, you have an engineer? There must have been some mistake, he belongs with us. Send him up here at once!"

    "No way!" the devil says.

    So God says, "Give him back or I'll sue!"

    The devil replies, "Yeah? And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

    fantastic! (4.00 / 1) (#264)
    by Burning Straw Man on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:02:38 AM EST

    as an engineer married to a lawyer, this joke is nearly perfect. you win the blue ribbon.
    your straw man is on fire...
    [ Parent ]
    laughlab best joke (4.22 / 27) (#231)
    by toby moray on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:25:33 AM EST

    Laughlab in the UK did research on 8000 people in 2001 and found that the following was the funniest joke among the test group. I'm not so sure...

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
    Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
    'What does that tell you?' asked Holmes.
    Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does that tell you Holmes?'
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
    'Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent.'

    (borrowed from morejokes.co.uk)

    Wisdom Springs - what's it really like where you live?

    rating this comment (1.00 / 1) (#254)
    by codemonkey_uk on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:19:52 AM EST

    I'm a bit stuck on how to rate this comment. The joke is alright, quite amusing, but I've heard it before. A "3" maybe. But the comment is informative, and provides a link. I'd usually rate it a "4" or maybe a "5". Argh...
    "The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." - Bertrand Russell
    [ Parent ]
    It's just least offensive. (4.00 / 2) (#255)
    by Shren on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:25:51 AM EST

    Some people are going to vote down any joke that offends them. That joke just offended the least. I wonder how different the results would be if they discarded all of the bottom ranking votes.

    [ Parent ]
    Always the problem (2.00 / 1) (#269)
    by gazbo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:14:01 AM EST

    If you try to assign a global rating to something subjective then the highest average ratings will always be awarded to mediocrity.

    Jesus fucking Christ! Could that possible sound more pretentious? Well, I guess you know what I'm trying to say. A joke loved by some will be hated by others. The mediocre jokes that are neither great nor offensive will come out tops.

    Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
    Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

    [ Parent ]

    right, but say... (4.00 / 1) (#272)
    by Shren on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:21:33 AM EST

    Say they vote on a 1 to 5 scale. If you're a rabid pope defender you're going to vote every pope joke a 1. Thus, they should determine the best joke by taking the average after discarding the 1 votes. Without telling anybody, of course.

    [ Parent ]
    Sherlock and Watson... (3.70 / 17) (#232)
    by MutantEnemy on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:35:06 AM EST

    Sherlock and Watson are out camping. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up.

    "Watson, please look up and tell me what you deduce."

    "Well, my dear Holmes, I observe the awesome size of the universe, and the vast multitude of stars shining down on us. If we assume that even a small percentage have planets capable of supporting life, I deduce that somewhere out there, life must indeed exist."

    "Watson you fool - someone's stolen our tent."

    Argh. (4.00 / 3) (#233)
    by MutantEnemy on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:37:39 AM EST

    Argh, and of course, someone posts it just before me. D'oh.

    [ Parent ]
    lol (none / 0) (#249)
    by toby moray on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:54:44 AM EST

    sorry mate lol

    maybe that's because it's especially funny? ;)
    Wisdom Springs - what's it really like where you live?
    [ Parent ]

    Huh? (4.00 / 1) (#259)
    by dipierro on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:50:02 AM EST

    Someone was going to post you?

    [ Parent ]
    The Difference (3.77 / 22) (#236)
    by CaptainZapp on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:58:12 AM EST

    What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

    Golfer: Whack! Fuck!

    Sky Diver: Fuck! Whack!

    Priest & a Rabbi (3.05 / 17) (#238)
    by nsgnfcnt1 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:13:35 AM EST

    A priest and a rabbi are walking down the road and they see a little boy. The priest leans into the rabbi and whispers "You wanna screw him?". The rabbi responds "Out of what?".

    Some more... (3.80 / 21) (#239)
    by tonyk on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:20:07 AM EST

     On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

     The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

     The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

     The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."



     Loading, loading, loading,
     Damn this Java coding,
     Feeling of foreboding, Reload!

     The Applet says it's running,
     And that big gray block is stunning,
     But the screen remains as blank as my mind

     Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
     Net goes down, Dial back!
     Logging on, Still off-line!
     Try it now, Still not up!
     Netscape crashed, What, again?
     Boot it up, Log it in,

     Tighten, tweaking', smoothen,
     They say the codes improvin',
     So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?

     I'm tired of all this waitin',
     Just give me .gif animation,
     This code is only good for wasting time,

     The applet says it's running,
     And gray block is quite stunning,
     But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

     (Midi solo)
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep,
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
     beep, beep,

     Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
     Net goes down, Dial back!
     Logging on, Still off-line!

     Try it now, Still not up!
     Netscape crashed, What, again?
     Boot it up, Log it in,
     Reload! Reload!
     (Author Unknown)


    "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

     "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

     The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

     The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."


    Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.


    WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition


    A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long
     dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He
     invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant
     shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog,

     The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best,
     and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The
     General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog
     he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any

     A year later the same friend returned for another week of
     hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a
     new dog. "What happened to ole "Sarge?" he asked.

     "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to
     hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept
     calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on
     his ass and bark."

    The Three-Legged Pig (3.46 / 15) (#240)
    by kur1ousoranj on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:23:40 AM EST

    One day, a man takes a trip into the countryside to visit his great-uncle Charlie, who is a farmer. As he parks his car in the driveway at the farm, he notices a pen full of animals, including a three-legged pig, which particularly catches his eye. So he enters the house, and is welcomed by Charlie.

    Man: "Hey, whats the deal with that three-legged pig outside? What's the deal with him?"

    Charlie: "Oh! That pig? He's a special one! Y'know one time when little Jimmy almost drowned in the pond, that pig ran in here and started squaling his life away to warn us! We followed him to the pond and rescued little Jimmy just in time!

    Man: "Really?"

    Charie: "Y'know, another time little Jimmy was trapped in the old well, and the pig came right back in here and started squealing and squealing at the top of his lungs! Again, he warned us and we were able to save little Jimmy!

    Man: "That's amazing!"

    Charlie: "And there was this other time, when the barn was on fire with little Jimmy inside, and this pig comes around squaling and squaling and squaling to warn us just in time for me to get Jimmy out!"

    Man: "That's fantastic! But still, what's with the three legs?"

    Charlie: "Oh, a pig like that? You don't eat him all at once!"

    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer... (3.81 / 16) (#243)
    by anno1602 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:29:27 AM EST

    ... have to jump from a 100m high board into a tub only 1 m in diameter.

    The engineer goes first. He climbs up the ladder, goes to front of the board to get a good view of the situation, and estimates how fast he has to run. Finally, he goes back, jumps and misses the center of the tub by only 20cm. Since this was close enough, he survives.

    The physicist starts out by carefully measuring the distance between ladder and tub, board length and a number of other parameters and sets down to calculate the correct speed and jump height to hit the tub. After 10 minutes, he is done, goes, up, jumps and hits the tub right in the center.

    Finally, the mathematician goes through the same measuring procedure, and then also settles down to calculation. It takes him more than 2 hours, proving a few new theorems along the way. At last, he also goes up, picks up a good measure of speed, jumps... and zooms right up into the sky.

    What happend? Sign error.

    "Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit." - Murphy
    two more Engineer jokes (4.57 / 7) (#292)
    by drivers on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:43:57 PM EST

    A mathametician, a physicist, and an engineer are each given a task to determine the volume of a red rubber ball.

    The mathametician measures the circumference of the ball, uses the proper formula to calculate the volume of the ball. (C=pi*r^2 and V=4/3*pi*r^3.)

    The physicist takes it to his lab and measures the water displacement of the sphere and comes up with an amount.

    The engineer looked it up in his standard table of red rubber balls.


    Q. What's the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?

    A. A Mechanical Engineer builds weapons. A Civil Engineer builds targets.

    [ Parent ]

    Yet another engineer joke... (4.75 / 4) (#340)
    by curunir on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:15:59 PM EST

    a priest, a doctor and an engineer are out playing golf together. the foursome in front of them is horrible. they take 10 shots to complete each hole and end up spending at least 15 minutes trying to find their ball each time the hit it. after waiting for a while, the course marshall comes over to check in with them. they ask him, "what's up with this foursome in front of us? they're taking forever!" the marshall replies, "they're blind. they used to be fire fighters and they lost their sight putting out a fire in our clubhouse last year...so we let them play here for free." the priest says, "oh, that's terrible. i will pray for them tonight that god might help them through their difficult ordeal." the doctor chimes in, "i have a friend who's an optomotrist, maybe he can help them regain their sight." the engineer feels he needs to say something too, so he thinks for a second, then says, "umm...couldn't they play at night?"

    [ Parent ]
    Yet another engineer joke (3.50 / 2) (#357)
    by petis on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:57:42 PM EST

    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were on a train going through scotland. After some time the train passed by some sheep, all was white except one, who was black.

    The engineer said: Look, there are black sheep!
    The physicist responded: No, but there are black sheep in scotland.
    The mathematician said: No, but it exists at least one sheep with at least one black side in this part of scotland.

    [ Parent ]

    Programmer (none / 0) (#483)
    by Razitshakra on Mon Aug 26, 2002 at 09:10:14 AM EST

    ... and the programmer says: "Oh no, a special case!".

    Lets ride / You and I / In the midnight ambulance
    - The Northern Territories
    [ Parent ]
    A mathematician, a physicist and an biologist.... (3.66 / 3) (#330)
    by astrosmurf on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:29:04 PM EST

    are sitting at a bar, talking and watching a house on the other side of the road. After a while two people enter the house, and after another pint, three persons leave the house. The three friends have different comments on these events

    We had a measurement error, there where actually three persons entering the building.

    Simple, they have mated, which explains how three persosn can leave a building into which only two have entered.

    If exactly one person enters the building it will be empty once more....

    [ Parent ]
    Mathematician and Engineer (none / 0) (#448)
    by sab39 on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 09:16:42 AM EST

    A mathematician and an engineer are given a quiz.

    Q: You are walking past a house and see that it's on fire, and there's a hose laying next to a fire hydrant. What would you do?

    Engineer: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.
    Mathematician: I would connect the hose to the hydrant and put out the fire.

    Q: You are walking past a house, and you see a hose connected to a fire hydrant. What would you do?

    Engineer: I would keep walking - there's no problem to solve.
    Mathematician: I would detach the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, thereby reducing to a previously solved problem.
    "Forty-two" -- Deep Thought
    "Quinze" -- Amlie

    [ Parent ]

    A biologist, a chemist and a statistician... (4.00 / 1) (#391)
    by DonQuote on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 12:11:52 AM EST

    are out hunting in the woods one day. A big deer comes into their sights, so the biologist takes a shot at it. Since he's not very good, the shot goes off 3 meters to the right.
    The chemist quickly takes another shot, but he too misses by 3 meters to the left.
    The statistician exclaims "We hit him, we hit him!!"

    ... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
    [ Parent ]
    Mathematician, physicist and engineer in jail (3.00 / 1) (#424)
    by jope on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:56:56 PM EST

    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are put in jail, each one in his own cell. They havent eaten for days and a sadistic ward throws each of them a can of tuna, but no openener into the cell. The next day the ward looks into the physicist's cell: he sees the walls covered with mathematical equations and the can has been cleanly opened by a carefully designed experiment too complicated to tell here. Next the ward checks on the engineer: The walls of his cell are covered with oil and the can has obviously been squashed open brutally and after a lot of trial and error. Finally the ward looks into the mathematician's cell: he sees the man sitting on the floor, staring somewhat transfixed at the still closed can and hears him murmuring: "assume the can is open ..."

    PS: pardon the poor English ...

    [ Parent ]

    Sick Joke (3.06 / 15) (#245)
    by magus123x on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:39:37 AM EST

    Q: What did the dumb, deaf, blind, mute, quadrapalegic kid get for Christmas?

    A: Cancer.

    Short (3.75 / 16) (#248)
    by hojita on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:53:30 AM EST

    Hey, have you heard about the new pirate movie?

    It's rated ARRRRRRRR!

    HA HARRR, another pirate Joke (4.00 / 2) (#262)
    by rickydazla on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:57:44 AM EST

    BARMAN: 'Scuse me Long John, why have you got that steering wheel attached to the front of your britches?

    LONG JOHN: ARRRRRRRRRRR, it's drivin' me nuts.


    I'm a million different people
    [ Parent ]

    I went to a concert where the singer.. (2.33 / 3) (#265)
    by Rahaan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:06:07 AM EST

    ..had a pirate joke book and would read a few between every song.  hehe.  I stole it.  The book was great, it even made fun of itself.

    Q.  What is a pirate's favorite baseball team?
    A.  The pirates!

    Q.  What is a pirate's favorite football team?
    A.  The buccaneers!

    Q.  Are pirates nice?
    A.  no.

    you know, jake.. i've noticed that, since the tacos started coming, the mail doesn't so much come as often, or even at all
    [ Parent ]

    Minimalist Pirate Poem (3.00 / 2) (#346)
    by GhostfacedFiddlah on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:21:32 PM EST


    [ Parent ]
    If the book was great (none / 0) (#406)
    by rickydazla on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 08:44:49 AM EST

    ... where are the great fucking jukes then?

    I'm a million different people
    [ Parent ]
    signature (none / 0) (#436)
    by odinhuntr on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 07:14:24 PM EST

    The state rules.

    [ Parent ]
    A lame physics joke. (2.20 / 10) (#250)
    by i on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:03:11 AM EST

    • Measure the water level of the sea.
    • Distill some sea water.
    • Make a pot of tea with the distillate.
    • Drink the tea.
    • Wait a couple of hours.
    • Drain your bladder right back into the sea.
    • Measure the water level again.
    This experiments measures CPT conservation.

    and we have a contradicton according to our assumptions and the factor theorem

    Dredging the bottom of my barrel (2.25 / 8) (#251)
    by malcolm on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:03:59 AM EST

    Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

    A: Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts.

    My Contributions (2.90 / 11) (#253)
    by virg on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:14:35 AM EST

    A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

    A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing.
    He asks, "why are you packing?"
    She says, "I'm leaving you."
    "Why?" he asks.
    She replies, "I found out you're a pedophile."
    He says, "Boy, that's a big word for a nine year old."

    "Imagine (it won't be hard) that most people would prefer seeing Carrot Top beaten to death with a bag of walnuts." - Jmzero
    The probelm (none / 0) (#260)
    by lauD on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:54:20 AM EST

    with your joke is the 'Boy' in the last line. Confusing. Girl or Kid would be a better option.

    Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
    [ Parent ]
    not for the kiddies (3.76 / 25) (#257)
    by crackmonkey002 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:39:45 AM EST

    This guy gets a tapeworm, so he decides to go to the doctor to see what he can do about it. The doctor tells him that there are two ways to get rid of it: a really fast, painless and expensive way, and another method, which takes 10 days but only costs $10. The guy just lost his job, so he opts for the $10 method.

    "Ok, drop your pants and I'll be right back", the doctor says.

    The guy complies and the doctor comes out of the back with 9 oranges and a sugar cookie.

    "Now, bend over", the doctor tells him. He then proceeds to shove the 9 oranges up the guy's ass, waits a little bit, and then sticks the sugar cookie in there, as well. He tells the guy to come back the next day.

    The guy comes back the next day, and its the same thing: 9 more oranges and another sugar cookie. In fact, that keeps up for the first 9 days of treatment. On the tenth day, the guy comes back and says:

    "Doc, are you sure today is the last day? This really hurts; I have 81 oranges up my ass... I can't even sit down."

    The doctor says, "Yeah, today's the last day."

    The guy drops his pants and bends over, but this time, the doctor comes out with 9 oranges and a baseball bat. He sticks the 9 oranges up the guy's ass, and picks up the baseball bat and he's waiting...

    ...and he's waiting...

    ...and all of a sudden, the tapeworm pops its head out of the guys ass and goes "Hey, where's my fucking sugar cookie?!"


    Priest and Acne (2.36 / 11) (#258)
    by phraggle on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:47:28 AM EST

    Q. What is the difference between a Priest and Acne? A. Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face.

    so it's august in the forest... (3.53 / 13) (#261)
    by jcw2112 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:55:38 AM EST

    ...and a very hot and thirsty bear thinks to himself "i want a beer!"

    so he wanders into town, walks into the first bar he sees, puts his mighty paw down on the bar and says in a firm, steady voice: "i want a beer!"

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in this bar."

    the bear is a bit upset, but leaves peacefully and walks 20 miles to the next town.

    the bear walks into the first bar he sees, puts his mighty paw down on the bar and says in a firm, steady voice: "i want a beer!"

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in this bar."

    the bear is quite upset, but upon seeing many animal heads hanging over the bar and the shotgun leaning in the corner, decides that it is best not to make a fuss and leaves.

    50 miles later the bear is quite thirsty, very tired and now very irritable. he walks into the first bar he sees and says: "i want a beer!"

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don..."

    the bear grabs him by the shirt and says: "listen buddy, i've just walked 70 miles in a fur coat in the middle of august. i've been denied service before, but that stops now. either you give me my beer or i go down to the end of the bar and kill that woman. do you hear me!?"

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don't server beer to bears in this bar."

    the bear yells: "Fine!"

    then the bear wanders to the end of the bar, grabs the woman, tears her in half and stuffs her down his hungry mouth. upon completing his meal, he wanders back to the bartender and says "now, give me my beer."

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don't serve beer to drug addicts."

    the bear grabs the bartender and just before he tears him in half, he stops and says "what did you say?"

    the bartender replies: "i'm sorry, we don't serve beer to drug addicts."

    the bear says: "but i'm not a drug addict..."

    the bartender says: "what about that bar-bitch-you-ate?"

    much better when spoken and drawn out over 20 minutes or so...

    suck. on. it.

    So this piece of string goes into a bar... (4.00 / 7) (#291)
    by rsidd on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:41:18 PM EST

    ... and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here."

    Undaunted, the piece of string goes outside for a while, ties himself into a pretzel, and shreds his ends a little. He then goes back into the bar and asks for the beer again.

    About to serve him, the bartender stops and asks, "Wait a minute, aren't you the same piece of string who just came in a while ago?"

    "No, I'm a frayed knot."

    [ Parent ]

    Three guys walk into a bar... (2.50 / 2) (#317)
    by tjw on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:17:49 PM EST

    The fourth guy ducks.

    [ Parent ]
    Disney, please avert your eyes (3.88 / 26) (#266)
    by X3nocide on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:06:50 AM EST

    The seven dwarves from go on vacation to Italy. Dopey decides to visit with the Pope, and luck would have it, he was allowed.

    So he asks the Pope, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

    The Pope responds, "No Dopey, I don't believe there are."

    So then he asks "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

    The Pope again responds, "No Dopey, I don't believe there are."

    "Okay... are there any in all of Europe?"

    To which the Pope replies, "Dopey, to my knowledge, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere on the planet."

    Then the other dwarves come in chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"


    Death or Unga Bunga... (3.72 / 18) (#268)
    by mortisimo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:13:41 AM EST

    Three Anthropologists are studying a tribe of savage cannibals. Perched carefully in a tree, they  are about to witness tribal rituals never seen before by civilized nations. Suddenly the branch breaks and they found themselves surrounded with spears at their throats.

    A man wearing a necklace skull and feathers approaches them. Amazingly, he speaks English. "You have disturbed our sacred rites, for this you must be punished"

    He looks at the first man and says, "Death or Unga Bunga?"

    The man, thinking that Unga Bunga is certainly better than death, sighs and says, "Unga Bunga."

    The chief yells, "Unga Bunga!!!"

    The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Unga Bunga! Unga Bunga!"

    Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log, and they all fuck him in the ass.

    After they are done, the chief says, "You are free to go." The man, battered and bruised, crawls back to his companions side.

    They drag out the next anthropologist, and the chief says, "You have two choice...Death or Unga Bunga."

    The anthropologist looks back at the first guy, who's in really bad shape, but he doesn't want to die, so he says, "I'll take Unga Bunga."

    The chief says, "Unga Bunga!!!"

    The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Unga Bunga! Unga Bunga!"

    Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log, and they all fuck him in the ass. And it's a lot worse for him, because of course it takes the cannibals alot longer the second time.

    After they are done, the chief says, "You too are free to go." The man crawls over to the first anthropologist and collapses.

    The chief then turns to the third anthropologist and says "Death... or Unga Bunga?"

    The third man looks at his friends who are in agony and decides that he would rather die than go through what they did.

    With a grim resolve, the man says "I choose Death."

    The chief turns to the crowd and says "He has chosen Death...."

    There is a hushed murmur in the crowd of cannibals.

    The chief continues "So we shall give him Death... Death by Unga Bunga!"

    Hmmm... (none / 0) (#279)
    by JahToasted on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:49:01 AM EST

    Wasn't this an episode of futurama? although without all the anal rape...
    "I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison
    [ Parent ]
    Futurama (none / 0) (#382)
    by Riktov on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:21:52 PM EST

    Yeah, I seem to recall that. But the joke has been around much longer.

    [ Parent ]
    The Five Levels of Drinking (3.63 / 11) (#271)
    by Burning Straw Man on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:16:15 AM EST

    (Six if you live in a trailer park)
    By Larry Miller

    LEVEL 1:
    It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep... (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

    LEVEL 2:
    It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep... (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

    LEVEL 3:
    It's one in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood... (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

    LEVEL 4:
    Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum, and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

    LEVEL 5:
    Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!"

    And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
    your straw man is on fire...

    Alaska (3.90 / 21) (#273)
    by Rand Race on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:30:33 AM EST

    A young lady is driving through Alaska when her car starts sputtering and spewing. So she pulls into a little town and finds a mechanic. The mechanic tells her he'll take a look at it and that the young lady can get a bite to eat at the diner across the street while he's busy. So she goes and eats and finally comes back to the garage;

    "Well," the mechanic says "it looks like you've blown a seal."

    "Nah," she says wiping her mouth, "that's just mayonnaise."

    "Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, He must approve the homage of Reason rather than that of blindfolded Fear." - Thomas Jefferson

    A hooker, a nympho, and a stewardess (3.16 / 12) (#275)
    by FlightTest on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:36:15 AM EST

    The hooker says: "Aren't you done yet?"

    The nympho says: "Are you done already?"

    And the stewardess says: "Beige .... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

    Why did I flip? I got tired of coming up with last minute desparate solutions to impossible problems created by other fucking people.

    My favorite joke (3.57 / 21) (#278)
    by pmk on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:48:28 AM EST

    What is the difference between people sitting in church and people sitting in bathtubs?

    Well, the people sitting in church have hope in their souls, while...

    an old favorite (3.75 / 16) (#280)
    by Burning Straw Man on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:58:13 AM EST

    a traveler was touring scotland. he stopped in a pub for a drink in a seaside hamlet. sitting at the bar was local fellow, rather worn looking fellow, a true scotsman.

    the 2 two men get to talking and after a few pints the scotsman says to the traveler, "listen here man... you see this bar here?" he slaps his palm on the bar, "i built this barrr with me own 2 hands. i planed it and sanded it myself, stained it with my own sweat and blood. see how even and just it is? have you ever seen a nicer bar? but do the people here call me mcgregor the bar builder? noooo....

    "now look outside. see that stone wall there? see how flat the top is and how straight it runs? i built that wall with my own 2 hands. i carried and set every stone meself. but do they call me mcgregor the mason? nooo!

    "and out there in the water... you see that pier? i built that pier too, with my own hands. in all the winter storms, year in and year out, that pier never budges! i made that pier with my own sweat and blood. but do they call me mcgregor the pier builder? nooo."

    the scotsman looks around carefully and leans in towards the traveller and says in a low voice "but you fuck one sheep......"
    your straw man is on fire...

    The Queen and the Pope... (4.20 / 29) (#282)
    by dadragon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:03:45 PM EST

    I hope nobody's offended by a religious/political crossover joke :)

    The Queen of the UK and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Football Match.

    Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

    The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

    The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildy for a week with just a hand gesture too."

    The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."

    So the Pope slapped her....

    Just dropping in... (4.30 / 40) (#283)
    by upsilon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:04:01 PM EST

    Three guys show up at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter, who explains to them that Heaven is a little behind the times. Their lives and deeds are on record except for the little half our. All three of them should be able to get in, but to be sure, Peter's gonna need to know the way they died.

    So the first guy steps forward and says, "Well, as I'm sure you're aware, I've been suspecting my wife of having an affair for a while. Her interest in sex suddenly dropped, like she's getting it from somewhere else, but I couldn't figure out who it was.

    "So I decided to sneak home one morning. As I'm riding the elevator up to our 25th floor apartment, I'm thinking what I'm going to do to the bastard, and I finally get to our apartment. I charge straight into the bedroom, and find my wife lying naked in bed, panting... but nobody else is there!

    "I search through the apartment, and I can't find him. Just then I hear cries from out on the balcony. I rush out there, and there he is, hanging off the edge of our balcony! I'm overtaken with rage, and rush inside and grab the first heavy thing I can find -- the refrigerator -- take it out on the balcony, and drop it on the son-of-a-bitch's head.

    "Unfortunately, the strain must've been too much for me. I think I had a heart attack, and here I am."

    Saint Peter looks concerned. "I'm not sure I can let you in. I'll have to get back to you." Then he turns to the second guy and asks how he died.

    "Well, I was doing my usual morning exercize routine on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment. To make a long story short, I lost my balance and went over the edge. Luckily for me, I caught the balcony directly below mine. I start yelling and screaming for help. Eventually, this guy comes out on the balcony, screams something incoherent at me, and disappears inside. 'Wait, where are you going?' I cried to him, just as he came back and dropped a refrigerator on my head!!"

    Saint Peter nods at him. "That is a tragic but perfectly blameless end to an otherwise good life. You may enter." He then turns to the third guy: "And how did you die?"

    "Picture this: There I am, hiding naked inside a refrigerator....."

    Once, I was the King of Spain.
    Another St. Peter Joke... (4.33 / 3) (#394)
    by DonQuote on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:35:38 AM EST

    This guy makes his way to St. Peter, in front of the gates to heaven, and the Saint is looking over his file.

    "Well, sir, I've reviewed all this data, and while you've done some pretty evil things, I see also goodness in your soul. I just can't make up my mind, so here's what I can do: Tell me what one thing in particular you've done that especially makes you deserving of heaven, and if I am impressed, I'll let you in."

    "Oh, that one's easy. This one time, I was driving on the highway, and there was this gang of bikers getting ready to gang rape a woman by the side of the road. Naturally I couldn't let them do that so I pulled over, got out of my car, and stormed over there. 'You can't treat a woman like that!' I told them. They just laughed at me, so to prove my point I knocked their bikes over and went up to the big leader and grabbed his nipple ring and pulled! They left the woman alone after that."

    St. Peter looked impressed. "Defending an innocent young woman is certainly noble, though your violent methods may not be the most divine. But I didn't see it in your file," he says, leafing through it again. "When did it happen?"

    "Umm... about five minutes ago."

    ... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
    [ Parent ]

    Ok, here's one (1.57 / 7) (#284)
    by locke baron on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:15:05 PM EST

    Q: What could an F2M transvestite be charged with?

    A: Male fraud.

    Micro$oft uses Quake clannies to wage war on Iraq! - explodingheadboy

    Alberta & Saskatchewan... (3.14 / 7) (#286)
    by dadragon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:27:52 PM EST

    As I have lived in both provinces, I feel it is my duty to make fun of both :)

    Top 10 Reasons To Live in Alberta, Canada

    1. Big Rock

    2. Preston Manning

    3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent

    4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education

    5. Flames vs. Oilers

    6. Stamps vs. Eskies

    7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of

    8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's

    9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups

    10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it

    Top 10 Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan, Canada

    1.You never run out of wheat

    2.Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats

    3.Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning

    4.Your province is really easy to draw

    5.You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard

    6.It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house

    7.YOUR Roughriders survived

    8.You can watch the dog run away from home for days

    9.People will assume you live on a farm

    10.Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

    Ok, here's one (1.88 / 9) (#287)
    by locke baron on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:28:07 PM EST

    Q: What could an F2M transvestite be charged with?

    A: Male fraud.

    Micro$oft uses Quake clannies to wage war on Iraq! - explodingheadboy

    Places in Canada nobody's heard of outside Canada (3.28 / 14) (#288)
    by dadragon on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:29:14 PM EST

    Americans and trains...
    When their train stopped briefly at a large station house in Canada, an American couple traveling cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to stretch their legs.

    Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a pile of baggage, the American asked, "What town is this?"

    "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," came the reply.

    "Why don't you ask this next gentleman, dear?" the man's wife said. "Perhaps he speaks English."

    More on Saskatchewan:

    Issued by the Saskatchewan Tourism Bureau to all visiting citizens of the U.S., other provinces, territories and holdings. In order for your visit to our province to be pleasant, safe and uneventful (yes, we like it that way) please read and adhere to the following guidelines:

    1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at a small town cafe. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

    2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Climax, Love, Prince Albert or Pilot Butte) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

    3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda. Up here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

    4. We know our heritage, are literate, educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

    5. Don't laugh at the Moose Jaw Moose. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Moose Jaw don't point at the huge genitalia on the giant moose or we'll kick your ass.

    6. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

    7. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for cripe's sake! Also, don't ask what a prairie oyster is ........ or we'll kick your ass.

    8. Don't try to fake a Saskatchewan accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention Grant Devine, Bryan Mulroney or Jean Chretien as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked by a mob.

    9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Air Canada flies out of the province twice a day. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

    10. Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's -15 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house or we'll kick your ass.

    11. Don't complain that most of Saskatchewan is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to gorgeous Cleveland.

    12. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

    13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Toronto. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

    14. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).

    steak (none / 0) (#416)
    by servant on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 11:21:29 AM EST

    I have no problems with Canadians no matter how many people bash them here in the States. I always show respect to a person's county when visiting and I have found Canadians to be some of the most polite people I have ever met. I do have one problem...steak cooked well done is not steak...it's beef jerky. Well done steak is a waste of good food. It is not "the way God intended"....God intended us to eat meat raw. Eat it medium rare at least for Christ's sake.

    [ Parent ]
    Culture... (none / 0) (#422)
    by dadragon on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 12:51:35 PM EST

    I've noticed that most ranchers order their steak very well done.  This is in contrast to farmers, miners, and city people who will order it rare.  I have no idea why this is, but it's an interesting contrast that you get to notice in a province whose industries mainly include farming, ranching, mining and oil.

    [ Parent ]
    Breaking out the third grade chestnut: (2.88 / 9) (#290)
    by doctordank on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:34:19 PM EST

    A yellow toad goes to see the resident fairy about turning green to match all of the other toads. The fairy tells him "I can turn you green, except for your penis. For that you have to see the wizard".

    So she turns the rest of him green and sends him on his way.

    A pink elephant goes to see the fairy about turning grey and gets the same answer: He can be grey, except for his penis. He would need to see the wizard for that.

    "But how do I get to the wizard?" asks the elephant.

    "Simple!", replies the fairy, "just follow the yellow-dicked toad!".

    Three nuns... (3.87 / 16) (#293)
    by joemorse on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:45:27 PM EST

    Three nuns die in a car accident and ascend to Heaven's Gate. St. Peter is there to meet them.

    St. Peter: Sister Esther, Sister Theresa, Sister Mary - you've all lived good lives in the service of God, so you've been judged worthy to enter Heaven. Unfortunately, you all failed to repent before your unfortunate car accident, so you'll each have to correctly answer one question before I let you in.

    St. Peter: Sister Esther - what was the name of the first man on Earth?

    Sister Esther: Ohh, that's easy: Adam!

    bells ring, lights flash, gate opens up

    St. Peter: Sister Theresa - what was the name of the first woman on Earth?

    Sister Theresa: Ooh, that's easy: Eve!

    bells ring, lights flash, gate opens up

    St. Peter: Sister Mary - what were the first words Eve said to Adam?

    Sister Mary, with confused look: Ohh, that's hard...

    bells ring, lights flash, gate opens up

    Now let's you just drop them pants!
           -Don Job, from Deliverance
    Another nuns dead at the gates of heaven joke (4.33 / 3) (#322)
    by FortKnox on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:52:35 PM EST

    A bus full of nun's parish and they are all lined up at the gates of heaven.
    The first nun, sister mary, is approached by Saint Peter. Peter asks, "Since you haven't repented before death, you must do it now."
    Sister Mary says, "Well, before I died.... I ... I ... I touched a penis"
    Saint Peter says, "Simply dip your finger in the holy water and you can pass"
    Sister Maria is next, and she says, "Saint Peter. I gave a man... well... I gave him a handjob. I'm terribly sorry!"
    Saint Peter says, "Simply dip your hand in the holy water and you can pass"
    All of a sudden there is a nun near the end of the line that comes running to the front, shouting "Saint Peter! Saint Peter! Wait! Wait! Wait!"
    Saint Peter says, "Dear Sister Francine, what is troubling you?"
    Sister Francine says, "Let me gargle with that stuff before Sister Ruth sticks her butt in it!!"
    Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
    [ Parent ]
    Royalty (3.53 / 15) (#294)
    by AnalogBoy on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:46:47 PM EST

    I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

    I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

    She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

    Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a QUEEN and I outrank you, B I T C H , so put the tray up!"

    Save the environment, plant a Bush back in Texas.
    Religous Tolerance (And click a banner while you're there)

    There's a story about Muhammad Ali... (3.16 / 6) (#297)
    by rsidd on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:54:30 PM EST

    the air hostess asked him to fasten his seatbelt. He didn't. She asked him again.

    He said, "Superman don't need no seatbelt."

    She said, "Superman don't need no airplane neither."

    He fastened his seatbelt.

    [ Parent ]

    I thought this one would have shown up by now... (3.93 / 16) (#295)
    by rsidd on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:47:37 PM EST

    But here goes. Note, possibly offensive.

    An Arab and a Jew are on a plane -- Arab on the aisle, Jew at the window. At some point, the Jew wants an orange juice. The Arab says, "Don't bother climbing past me for it, I'll get it for you", and goes to the drinks cart. While he's gone, the Jew sees his opportunity and spits, forcefully and vigorously, into the Arab's left shoe. The Arab returns, notices nothing, hands the Jew the drink.

    After a little while, the Jew wants a beer. The Arab again says, don't bother, I'll get it for you. And while he's gone, the Jew spits into the Arab's right shoe.

    The Arab notices nothing until the plane starts his descent and he pulls out and stares at his sodden shoes. Sorrowfully he turns to the Jew and says:

    "You know, some day all this must end -- this mindless hatred, this pettiness, spitting into shoes, peeing into drinks..."

    (Note: if you're offended, reverse the roles)

    Billy Connolly used this back in the day... (none / 0) (#427)
    by MUD on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 03:06:32 PM EST

    but with Celtic and Rangers supporters at a football match instead of Jews and Arabs on a plane. And Bovril instead of orange juice.

    [ Parent ]
    the irish and their lovely pastime... (3.61 / 18) (#296)
    by anaesthetica on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 12:51:36 PM EST

    a guy walks into a bar and sits down

    he's down at the other end of the bar he sees two guys sitting next to each other drinking and making conversation

    the first one says "so where are you from?"
    the other responds "i'm from Ireland"
    the first one says "really? i'm from Ireland too!"
    the second one says "is that so? i'm from county cork myself"
    the first one responds "you don't say, i'm from county cork too!"
    "oh you are, well tell me, what does your father do?"
    "my father is a potato farmer"
    "a potatoe farmer... my father is a potato farmer"
    "oh he is? that's amazing. well tell me, what's your mother's maiden name?"
    "my mother was an o'hara"
    "why, my mother was an o'hara!!"

    the guy observing these two talk looks at the bartender and he asks him "hey, what't the deal with these two?"

    the bartender responds "oh, it's just the o'donnelly brothers, they're drunk again"

    —I'm the little engine that didn't.
    k5: our trolls go to eleven

    Vacation (3.20 / 15) (#301)
    by Caton on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:07:19 PM EST

    This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review..... enjoy!

    Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

    Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

    RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"

    G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

    RS: "Ow July den?"

    G: "What??"

    RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy,pooch?"

    G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

    RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

    G: "Crisp will be fine"

    RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

    G: "What?"

    RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

    G: "I don't think so"

    RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

    RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

    G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

    RS: "We bother?"

    G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

    RS: "Wad?"

    G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

    RS: "Copy?"

    G: "Sorry?"

    RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

    G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

    RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

    G: "Whatever you say"

    RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

    G: "Your welcome"

    As long as there's hope...

    Rowan Atkinson (3.58 / 12) (#303)
    by Mzilikazi on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:19:59 PM EST

    Both of these are stolen from Rowan Atkinson's "Live in Belfast", and are much better heard than read. (Though he stole the first one from a Jackie Gleason/Johnny Carson exchange.)


    Rowan: Ask me "What is the secret of great comedy?"

    Assistant: "What is the secret--"

    Rowan: Timing!


    Rowan: Knock knock.

    Assistant: Who's there?

    Rowan: Death.

    Assistant: Death wh--AAghghgh!


    Any Minnesotan k5ers got any recent Ole and Lena jokes? For those unfamiliar with the genre, it's just your standard Polish/blonde/random ethnicity joke about Norwegians and best delivered in a bad Norskie accent. (And nobody gets pissed off if you make fun of Norwegians!)

    An odd variant from the Middle East, dealing with the class of Syrian border guard jokes:

    A man drives up to the Syrian border in an old Volkswagon Beetle. The border guards stop him and ask to see what's in the trunk. So the man walks up to the front of the car to open the trunk, but the guards stop him and say, "What kind of idiot are you? The trunk is in the back! Open the trunk!"

    The guy decided to go ahead and open up the back to show the guards that on the Bettle, the engine is in the back. So he opens it up, and the guards immediately throw the handcuffs on and lead him off to jail. The lead guard gets on the phone to report the crime. "We have caught a thief! He has stolen a car engine and is keeping it in his trunk! And he must have just stolen it recently, because it is still running!"


    Yet More (3.78 / 14) (#304)
    by virg on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:26:40 PM EST

    A fish swims into a large concrete wall and says, "Dam!"

    "Imagine (it won't be hard) that most people would prefer seeing Carrot Top beaten to death with a bag of walnuts." - Jmzero
    A clean joke for once... (4.17 / 17) (#305)
    by thenick on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:35:37 PM EST

    The Pope is studying in his office in the Vatican when a Bishop comes in.

    "I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, Your Excellency, but I have just learned something that you should know about."

    "Yes, please, tell me."

    "It's not all good Your Excellency..."

    "Well, tell me the good parts first then, and we will work out the rest as we need."

    "There's a phone call for you. It's Jesus."

    "Jesus!?!?!?!?! Jesus is on the phone?"

    "Yes Your Excellency."

    "And he wishes to speak to me?!?!?"

    "Yes Your Excellency."

    "This is amazing! He has returned! The rapture is at hand! What could possibly be bad about that?"

    "He's calling from Utah."

    "Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler, he did a lot, but don't we all wish he would have stayed home and gotten stoned?" -Dex

    And the president of the US of A is... (3.80 / 10) (#306)
    by Humuhumunukunukuapuaa on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:46:55 PM EST

    ...George W Bush!
    I don't get it. (1.00 / 1) (#425)
    by Lenny on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 02:19:18 PM EST

    If Gore had become pres., all humor in the US would certainly have been banned.
    "Hate the USA? Boycott everything American. Particularly its websites..."
    [ Parent ]
    Knock knock (3.11 / 9) (#307)
    by Nyarly on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:49:07 PM EST

    Knock knock Who's there? Polish burglar. It always bugs me how many people will respond "Polish burglar who?"

    "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise" --Hungarian Proverb

    Chemistry doggerel (4.40 / 15) (#309)
    by Nyarly on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 01:55:51 PM EST

    Johnny was a chemist
    Johnny is no more
    What Johnny thought was H2O
    Was H2SO4

    Sadly, you see it so seldom.

    "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise" --Hungarian Proverb

    mmm, doggerel (4.33 / 3) (#331)
    by tyriphobe on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:35:32 PM EST

    Willy found some dynamite
    Couldn't understand it quite
    Curiosity never pays
    It rained Willy seven days.

    [ Parent ]
    best nerd poem ever (2.00 / 1) (#343)
    by tyriphobe on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:00:53 PM EST

    Doh, I forgot my favorite one:

    Reclaimer, spare that tree!
    Take not a single bit!
    It used to point to me,
    Now I'm protecting it.
    It was the reader's CONS
    That made it, paired by dot;
    Now, GC, for the nonce,
    Thou shalt reclaim it not.

    [ Parent ]

    Older one (3.94 / 17) (#310)
    by Nyarly on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:06:47 PM EST

    Guy has just begun his first skydiving endevour, when he realizes that between his nervous excitement and the roar of the plane engines, he has no idea how to operate his parachute. So, he's falling out of the sky, and suddenly he sees another guy falling next to him. This other guy is scorched and blackened, and he's holding a burnt matchstick. So the first guy takes a deep breath and shouts as loud as he can:

    "Say, buddy! Do you know anything about parachutes?"

    The other guy looks thoughtful, and then shouts back:

    "Can't say I do! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

    "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise" --Hungarian Proverb

    String players: Tired of science jokes? (3.75 / 8) (#312)
    by blixco on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:29:46 PM EST

    Cheesy orchestra jokes, from the POV of a viola player.

    How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

    At rehearsal, the conductor stops the orchestra. He glares at the bass section and says "You're out of tune back there, fix it immediately!" to which the bassists reply "We're in tune; all of the strings are precisely the same tension!" The first violinist shouts out "No, you morons! The pegs all have to be facing the same way!"

    Bass players spend half their time tuning their instruments and the other half playing out of tune.

    Why is a cello better than a viola? The cello burns longer.

    What's the definition of a minor second? Two violinists playing in unison.

    What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? People *like* the fiddle.

    Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them.

    Why do violin players have a piece of cloth for a shoulder rest? Because violins don't have spit valves.

    Note: I know these are all pretty bad, but feel free to remind me. I can't come up with anything that outdoes the Pirate / crotch / steeringwheel joke.
    The root of the problem has been isolated.

    reminds me of those perennial classics . . . (3.66 / 3) (#315)
    by mcwee on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:05:31 PM EST

    . . . trombone player jokes:

    Phrases you'll never hear: "Hey, who's that sexy broad with the trombone player" and "Be careful! You don't wanna scratch the trombone players Mercedes pulling into that space."

    The PMjA; it's a whole new kind of Truth.
    [ Parent ]

    Choir Jokes (4.00 / 3) (#320)
    by gauntlet on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:43:32 PM EST

    From the point of view of a bass.

    Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, another to hold a ladder, and the third to stand on the ladder and screw in a higher lightbulb, just to show off.

    Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Three. One to screw it in, the other two to complain that the sopranos' bulbs are too loud.

    Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Two. But where do you find a lightbulb big enough, and how do you get them in it?

    Into Canadian Politics?
    [ Parent ]

    The best choir joke! (3.33 / 3) (#426)
    by unDees on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 02:32:53 PM EST

    Q: What do sopranos use for birth control? A: Their personality.

    Your account balance is $0.02; to continue receiving our quality opinions, please remit payment as soon as possible.
    [ Parent ]
    More musician jokes (4.40 / 5) (#323)
    by Wobbly Bob on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:53:01 PM EST

    Q: How do you make a rhyhm guitarist's car go faster?

    A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

    Q: What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?

    A: A drummer.
    Helping ugly people have sex since 1990!
    [ Parent ]

    Even more (4.75 / 4) (#326)
    by blixco on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:09:50 PM EST

    What's the first thing a musician says at work? "Would you like fries with that?"

    What do you call a musician without a significant other? Homeless.

    Two people are walking down the street. One is a musician. The other has no money either.

    St. Peter is checking ID's at the gates of heaven. Three men approach. He asks the first one, "what did you do with your life's worth?" The man replies "I was an oil man, but I wasn't greedy. I left five million dollars to my family when I died." St. Peter whistles approvingly and lets him in. The next man approaches. St. Peter poses the same question, and the man replies "I was a stock broker, and made billions. I wasn't as selfish as the oilman, though; I left a billion dollars to a bunch of charities." St. Peter gives the man a pat on the back, complements him on his thoughtfulness, and lets him in. The third man approaches. St. Peter asks him the question, and the man replies "well, I only made five thousand dollars over my entire life."
    "What instrument did you play?" asks St. Peter.

    One last violin joke: What's the difference between a seamstress and a violinist? A seamstress tucks up the frills.
    The root of the problem has been isolated.
    [ Parent ]

    And some more (3.80 / 5) (#345)
    by GhostfacedFiddlah on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:20:27 PM EST

    What do you do with a musician who can't play?

    Give him two sticks and make him sit at the back.

    What do you do if he still can't play?

    Take away one of the sticks and put him at the front.

    [ Parent ]

    And A Related Joke... (1.00 / 1) (#360)
    by Ranger Rick on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:41:27 PM EST

    Q: What kind of people do drummers hang out with?

    A: Musicians.


    [ Parent ]
    more music jokes! (4.00 / 2) (#386)
    by maw on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:53:01 PM EST

    How can you tell if a drummer is at the door?
    The knocking speeds up.

    How can you tell if a tympanist is on a level stage?
    The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.

    How can you make a guitarist shut up?
    Give him some sheet music.
    [ Parent ]

    just horrible........ (2.75 / 8) (#313)
    by no carrier on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 02:31:07 PM EST

    Q. what's green and has four red wheels? A. grass. i lied about the wheels.
    I stab people.
    Slightly sick (2.00 / 15) (#314)
    by Sullustan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:02:28 PM EST

    How do you make a three year old cry twice?

    Use his teddy bear to wipe the blood off your dick.

    I don't see the need for zeroes (2.50 / 2) (#316)
    by Shren on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:08:31 PM EST

    am I just slow today?

    Murphy's Laws of Combat/Business (3.70 / 10) (#321)
    by tbc on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 03:49:05 PM EST

    On Engaging the Competition:
    • A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
    • If both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
    • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
    • If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
    • If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
    • If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
    • If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
    • If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
    • If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
    • Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
    • Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.
    • Once you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
    • One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
    • The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
    • Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
    • Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
    On Leadership:
    • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
    • If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
    • If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
    • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
    • If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.
    • Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
    • The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
    • The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
    • The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
    • The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
    On Training:
    • Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    On Strategy:
    • Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
    • Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
    • Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.
    • If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
    • It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
    • Neutral countries -- aren't.
    • The easy way is always mined.
    • The trucks will be on the drop zone.
    • There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."
    On Tactics:
    • Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
    • If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
    • If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
    • No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
    On Planning/Preparation:
    • The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (1) when you're ready for them (2) when you're not.
    • Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
    • No plan survives the first contact intact.
    • Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
    • No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection.
    • No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
    On Communication/Intelligence:
    • Communications will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.
    • Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
    • Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
    • The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
    • The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
    • The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
    • To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
    On Demos:
    • Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
    On Teamwork:
    • If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
    • Never draw fire -- it irritates everyone around you.
    • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
    • Suppression fire -- won't.
    • Teamwork is essential -- it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
    On Personal Success (for a Soldier, this reads, "Staying Alive"):
    • A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
    • Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
    • Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
    • Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
    • Drop the one with the shotgun first.
    • If you can't remember, then the Claymore IS pointed at you.
    • Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
    • It's not the one with your name on it -- it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" that you should be worried about.
    • Mines are an equal opportunity weapon.
    • Odd objects attract fire -- never lurk behind one.
    • Once the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
    • Smart bombs have bad days too.
    • The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
    • The crucial round is a dud.
    • The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
    • There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
    • Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
    • Tracers work BOTH ways.
    • Try to look unimportant -- the enemy may be low on ammo.
    • Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
    • Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
    • You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
    On Excessive Force:
    • Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
    • B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
    • If at first you don't succeed... call in an air-strike.
    • When in doubt, empty your magazine.
    On Priorities:
    • A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
    The following is suitable for copying and pasting into text e-mail

    Friendly fire isn't. [EOM] (1.00 / 1) (#361)
    by NFW on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:50:19 PM EST

    Got birds?

    [ Parent ]

    Italian in London (2.50 / 6) (#325)
    by salsaman on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:01:45 PM EST

    A young Italian had stayed at the YMCA hotel in London. He wasn't satisfied with his stay, and sent this complaint to the manager:

    Dear Signore Direttore,

    Now I am telling you story how I was treated at your hotella. I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a young christian man at your hotella. When I comma to my room I see there is no sheet on my bed.

    So I calla down to receptione and tella: " I wanta sheet." They tella me: "You go to toilet." "No, no you don't understanda me. I wanta sheet in my bed! " "You better not shit in your bed, you son of a bitch! "

    What is sonna-wa-beach? I ago downe for breakfast in ristorante. I order egg and bacon and two pieces of toast. I getta only one piece of toast.

    I tella waitress and point at toast: "I wanta piece! " She tella me: " You go to the toilet. " "No, no I wanta piece on my plate! " "You bloody well not piss on the plate! You go to the toilet!"

    Why is your staff always saying "Go to toilet?" Is that a modern British tella? You know, I am 23 years old and I know for myself when I wanta go to toilet.

    Then in the evening I ago downe to ristorante for dinner. Spoon and knife is laid out on the table. But no fork.

    I tella waitress: "I wanta fork!" And she tella me: " Sure, everybody wanta fuck." "No, no you don't understand me. I wanta fork on the table." "So you want to fuck on this table? Get your pass out of here! "

    How comma this christian hotella tella the guests in such a bad manner?

    So I go down to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella no morro.

    When I have a-paid the a-billa the portier say to me: "Thank you, and peace on you." I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-beach, I now go back to Italy."

    Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no morro, you sonna-wa-beach.

    Sincerely, Luigi Brampiano, Roma

    MP3 (none / 0) (#401)
    by roiem on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 06:24:08 AM EST

    I believe I heard a great MP3 of someone reading this out in an Italian accent... Anyone know about that?
    90% of all projects out there are basically glorified interfaces to relational databases.
    Parent ]
    A guy sits down at a bar (4.16 / 18) (#327)
    by gauntlet on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:14:59 PM EST

    and orders a drink from the barman. He gives him a big tip, saying "Keep the change." He has a couple more drinks, always paying right away, and tipping very well. Eventually, he says to the bartender, "I'll bet you five bucks I can bite my right eye." The bartender has already got more than five bucks off the guy in tips, and wants to keep him around, so to be friendly, he agrees, slapping a fiver on the bar. The customer takes out his false eye, and bites it.

    The bartender laughs, says "Fair enough," and goes about his business. A little while later, after a couple more drinks and good tips, the customer says, "I'll bet you twenty bucks I can bite my left eye." The bartender says, "You already did that one, and it's your right eye that's fake." The customer, quite drunk, says, "I know which eye is fake. I'm betting you twenty bucks I can bite the real one." The bartender, watches the customers left eye follow him around the room for a second, then puts a twenty on the bar. The customer pulls out his false teeth, and uses them to bite his left eye.

    The bartender laughs again, but he's regretting having given away $25 worth of tips. A couple of drinks later, the guy at the bar says, "I'll bet you two hundred dollars that if you put a shot glass at one end of the bar, I can piss in it from the other end of the bar, without spilling a drop." The bartender replies, "Show me the two hundred," and the customer slaps it down on the bar.

    The bartender mulls it over. There's no one else in the bar aside from a couple of guys sitting at a table in the corner, and it's near closing time. He figures it's worth his while. He puts two hundred dollars on the bar, and sets a shot glass down at one end. He says, "Go for it."

    The guy waddles down to the end of the bar, whips it out, and pees all over the place. Bar, stools, glasses, floor. He's like a yellow lawn sprinkler. The bartender picks up his $200 take, sticks it in his pocket, and smiling, starts to clean up the mess.

    As he's cleaning, the customer leaves. When he's done, he looks up, and there are only the two guys off in the corner. They seemed to be crying. He goes over to ask them what's wrong, and they say, "Some guy just bet us two thousand dollars that he could piss on your bar, and you'd clean it up with a smile on your face."

    Into Canadian Politics?

    Worst joke ever. (4.00 / 1) (#405)
    by Ranieri on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 08:01:50 AM EST

    The Quentin Tarantino character tells this joke in Desperados. When, moments later, he's shot to bits I just can't help thinking it must have been a question of Karma or somthing.
    Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
    [ Parent ]
    One last joke... (3.83 / 12) (#332)
    by pb on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:36:34 PM EST

    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

    The Priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father; remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said "Father, remember Psalm 129".

    Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak".

    Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival at his Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

    It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory".

    "See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
    -- pwhysall

    dont know what bible he had but ... (5.00 / 1) (#410)
    by jope on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 09:42:31 AM EST

    look at this

    Obviously catolics never find glory :)

    BTW, it definitely cannot have been Psalm 129

    Joke is funny though.

    [ Parent ]

    More definitive (5.00 / 1) (#421)
    by Dephex Twin on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 12:24:31 PM EST

    Here is Psalm 129.

    Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. -- Homer Simpson
    [ Parent ]
    A guy goes to hell... (3.22 / 9) (#333)
    by gauntlet on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:49:58 PM EST

    ... and meets Satan. Satan says, "Hey. You're going to like it here, I think."


    "Well sure. Do you like football?"

    "I love football."

    "Well you're going to love Mondays. Mondays we all sit around watching football. How do you feel about beer?"

    "I love beer."

    "Then you're going to love Tuesdays. Tuesdays we just drink beer till we die of alchohol poisoning, but 'cause you're already dead, it doesn't matter. What do you think about drugs?"

    "I like drugs. I was a dealer, that's how I died."

    "You're going to love Wednesdays. Mountains of cocaine, hash, whatever you want. Overdose all you want, you're not going anywhere. Say, are you gay?"


    "Oooh..... Uh... Anyway, on Fridays..."

    Into Canadian Politics?

    Gonna catch me some.... (3.92 / 13) (#334)
    by NFW on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:51:20 PM EST

    An old man was sitting on his porch in a rocking chair one morning when a neighbor kid comes strolling down the sidewalk before him, carrying a bag.

    "What's in the bag, son?"

    The kid reaches into the bag and pulls out a mushroom.

    "A toadstool!"

    "Whatcha gonna do with that toadstool, son?"

    "Gonna catch me some toads!"

    The old man bursts out laughing.  "Now hold on there, son!  You cain't catch no toads with a toadstool!  That's just plain silly.  Toads and toadstools ain't got nothin' to do with each other, don't you know that?"

    "You'll see," said the boy.

    That afternoon the kid comes walking back the other way and his bag is stuffed full of something.  The old man get curious and asks, "What's in the bag, son?"

    "Toads!"  The boy walks over to show the man, and sure enough, there's dozens of toads in there, hopping all over each other.  "Holy smokes," says the man, "lookit all them things in there."

    "I told you I was gonna catch me some toads," says the boy as he walks away.  "See you next weekend."

    Next weekend the old man is sitting on his porch and the kid walks by again, with a roll of tape in his hand.

    "Whatcha got there, son?"

    "Duck tape!"

    "Whatcha gonna do with that tape?"

    "Gonna catch me some ducks!"

    The old man busts up laughing again.  "Now hold on there, son!  First of all, son, it's not 'duck tape,' it's 'duct tape.'  But anyhow, there ain't no way you're gonna catch no ducks with that there tape."

    "You'll see," says the boy.

    Sure enough, the kid comes walking back that afternoon trailing 35 feet of tape behind him, with ducks stuck to it every eight inches or so.  "Holy smokes," the old man said, "How many of those things you got thrashing around on that tape?"  

    "I dunno, maybe 40 or 50 I think.  I told you I was gonna catch me some ducks."  The old man is speechless, his mouth agape.  "See you next weekend," says the boy.

    A week later, the old man is on his porch again, and the kid walks by again, this time carrying a stick.

    "Whatcha got there, son?"

    "Pussy willow," says the boy.

    "Whatcha gonna do with that?"

    "Gonna catch me some pussy!"

    "Now hold on there son...  Let me get my coat."

    Got birds?

    Revenge of the Irish... (4.00 / 3) (#335)
    by sanity on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 04:57:39 PM EST

    I notice one or two (presumably) Americans telling Irish jokes.... well, we have jokes too ;-)

    An American farmer was in Ireland visiting his cousin, also a farmer, in County Kerry. The Irish farmer decides to bring his cousin for a drive around his farm. They jump in his jeep and set off, returning a few hours later. On their return, the American boasts "Yeah, back home it takes three days to drive around my farm".

    The Irish man replies "Ah, sure I used to have an old car like that as well".

    Usually... (none / 0) (#390)
    by btb on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:50:57 PM EST

    ...the one telling the joke is an Irish American.

    [ Parent ]
    A few bad jokes (3.77 / 9) (#337)
    by TheOnlyCoolTim on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:01:51 PM EST


    A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a fucking joke?"


    This one is more of a verbal joke. Say it out loud.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?



    Another verbal one....

    What do you call a buck with no eyes?

    No eye deer.

    What do you call a buck with no eyes and no legs?

    Still no eye deer.

    What do you call a buck with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?

    Still no fucking eye dear.


    Two gay men were having anal sex outdoors and were struck by lightning. It turns out that Fred Phelps and his ilk are right, and they both go to hell. They were both killed at the same instant, but which one of them got to hell first?

    The one on the bottom - his shit was already packed.


    How can you tell a gay whale?

    When he sees a submarine he wraps his lips around it and sucks out all the seamen.


    There was a man who could get no sex and was so desperate to get laid that he went into the confessional and asked his priest for advice on getting some. The priest took pity of him and told him to go to the field in back of the convent where the nuns would pick mushrooms, and lie down naked.

    The man went to the field, and he sees that all the mushrooms look like penises. So he strips and lays down, and soon enough a hot young nun comes along, singing and picking mushrooms.

    "La La La, one mushroom two mushroom three mushroom..."

    ...and she comes to the man and grabs his dick...

    "four... four... four... this one's stuck..."

    ...and the man got off on the handjob and the nun, unaware, moved on.

    The man enjoyed this greatly and comes back the next day, strips, and lies down. This time a middle aged, average looking nun comes. She begins singing and picking mushrooms.

    "La La La, one mushroom two mushroom three mushroom..."

    ...and she comes to the man and grabs his dick...

    "four... four... four... this one's stuck..."

    And he gets off again, but not as well as with the hot young nun. So he decides to visit the mushroom field again on the third day. He strips and lies down naked for the third time.

    He sees an old, ugly, and muscular nun coming, but he is too embarassed to get up. So he lays there and the ugly muscular nun starts picking the mushrooms.

    She sings in a deep masculine voice, "La la la, one mushroom, two mushroom, three mushroom, four mushroom, five mushroom..."


    Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

    Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

    Why do Englishmen wear pants?

    Because goats are deaf.


    The City Symphony has sold out for their performance Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, but unfortunately the bass section started celebrating early, and as a result are rather pixilated before the music even starts. In their drunken revelry, they decide it would be funny to get some string and tie up the conductor's sheet music for the last part of the symphony.

    The conductor doesn't notice this and he starts the music. The bass section is playing horribly because of their drunkenness, and the conductor becomes visibly flustered because of this.

    As the symphony draws near to the end, the conductor comes to where the sheets of music are tied together. He frantically starts trying to conduct the music from memory while untying the sheet music, and he starts sweating profusely and looks as if he is about to faint or have a fit.

    A member of the audience rushes up to him and asks if he is alright. The conductor answers, "I don't know - the bassists are loaded, it's the bottom of the Ninth, and the score is tied!"

    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

    "We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."

    All of my favourite jokes (3.16 / 6) (#338)
    by jones77 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:06:38 PM EST

    Why did the condom fly across the room?
    Because it was pissed off.


    A woman walks into a bar and orders a sexual innuendo.  So the bar tender turns around and gives her one.


    A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, drinks his drink and leaves.  All the women in the bar follow him out.

    One of the guys who's left is gob-smacked and goes up to the bar-tender.

    "What the fuck just happened there?  I've been here all night ... and nothing."

    "I have no idea, all he did was drink his drink, lick his eyebrows and leave."


    (This one's probably already up, but nevermind.)

    Little Billy is building a sand-castle.  It is the best sand-castle you've ever seen.  A moat, colourful flags, soaring towers, every detail done to perfection.

    "Mummy, mummy, come and take a picture.  Please take a picture."

    Mummy just shakes her head.

    "Billy ... it doesn't matter -- you have cancer."


    Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

    Orientation in Hell (3.60 / 10) (#339)
    by frankwork on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:11:21 PM EST

    A man has lived a long and enjoyable life and after he dies he finds himself in hell.

    When he arrives he is given a bit of an orientation by one of the demons, who starts out by giving him a tour.

    They walk past a room from which a huge cloud of smoke is emanating, and the demon asks, "are you much of a smoker?"

    The man replies "I used to smoke a pack a day ever since I was sixteen. I never even tried to quit."

    The demon says "Great, well then you'll love Mondays. Monday is when we all hang out in here  and sit around smoking."

    They walk a bit farther and pass a huge bar stocked with all sorts of liquor. "Are you much of a drinker?" asks the demon.

    "I'm Irish, of course I like to drink," replies the man.

    "Then you'll love Tuesdays. We spend all day in here drinking."

    They walk a bit farther and enter a large casino with various card tables, slot machines and the like everywhere.

    "Are you much of a gambler?"

    "I used to pretty much gamble away every paycheck. When I had a job."

    "Well then you'll like Wednesdays. We get together every Wednesday and gamble all day."

    They continue down the corridor and stop outside a doorway.

    "I don't suppose you're gay?"


    "Then you probably won't like Thursdays very much."

    programmer joke (3.60 / 10) (#341)
    by phraggle on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 05:17:03 PM EST

    I saw this a while ago, I forget where:

    Q. How many OO perl programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. HASH(0x80f60ac)

    Another (4.00 / 3) (#404)
    by Herring on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 07:37:19 AM EST

    How many prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

    Say lol what again motherfucker, say lol what again, I dare you, no I double dare you
    [ Parent ]
    (tea) (3.25 / 8) (#348)
    by noogie on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:25:05 PM EST

    It's this guy's son's birthday, and his son is into chess, so the guy goes out to the cake shop to get a chess-related cake.

    They are having the party later that day and they start on the cake, and realize that it has gone off, so the guy goes back to the shop with it.

    He walks in and says, "this cake you sold me, it's stale mate".

    And the cake man says "no it's not".

    And the guy replies, "Yes it is, check mate"

    no punchline is the best punchline (4.14 / 7) (#350)
    by Shpongle Spore on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:27:00 PM EST

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

    Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
    I wish I was in Austin, at the Chili Parlor bar,
    drinking 'Mad Dog' margaritas and not caring where you are

    Here's one... (4.50 / 2) (#359)
    by Ranger Rick on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:27:21 PM EST

    So a baby seal walks into a club...


    [ Parent ]
    fuck, you took mine... (none / 0) (#409)
    by tralfamadore on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 09:35:55 AM EST

    so two catholic priests and r. kelly walk into a day care...

    [ Parent ]
    another (none / 0) (#443)
    by TheLogician on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:33:50 PM EST

    A toothless termite walkes into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

    [ Parent ]
    Joke on the high seas. (4.44 / 9) (#352)
    by TheOnlyCoolTim on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:30:20 PM EST

    A sailing ship laden heavily with gold is trying to cross the Atlantic, but unfortunately word of the ships's cargo leaked out among various pirates, cutthroats, and scoundrels.

    One day the First Mate comes up to the Captain and says, "Sir, there's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!"

    The captain says, "Get me my red shirt!" The Mate runs to the cabin and brings back the red shirt, which the captain puts on. The captain stands at the helm and calls out to all the sailors - "Prepare to be boarded! Give 'em hell!"

    After an easy battle the pirates are defeated and the ship continues sailing.

    The next day the First Mate comes up to the Captain and says, "Sir, there's 10 pirate ships off the starboard bow!"

    The captain again says, "Get me my red shirt!" The Mate runs to the cabin and brings back the red shirt, which the captain puts on. The captain stands at the helm and calls out to all the sailors - "Prepare to be boarded! Give 'em hell!"

    After an extremely hard battle the pirates are defeated and the ship continues sailing.

    That night the First Mate asks the Captain about the red shirt. The Captain explains, "Well, I know that if the men saw me hurt and bleeding, they would lose heart and the pirates would defeat us. If I wear my red shirt, the men cannot see the blood and they fight on bravely." The Captain shows the First Mate the wounds he received that were hidden during battle by the red shirt.

    On the third day the First Mate comes up to the Captain and says, "Sir, there's 100 pirate ships off the starboard bow!"

    The Captain replies, "Bring me my red shirt and my brown pants."

    "We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."

    Foul, Sexist and Just Plain Insensitive... (2.42 / 7) (#355)
    by nomayo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:49:50 PM EST

    Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    A: Nothing. You already told her twice.

    Q: What does a battered woman do when she gets home from the shelter?
    A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.


    PS: I'm not at all supportive of violence against women so save your time and energy...


    Another battered women joke (none / 0) (#385)
    by Kyle on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:41:09 PM EST

    Within a week of hearing the "two black eyes" joke (years ago), I heard this one:

    Scientists interviewed hundreds of battered women to determine what they had in common. They found that the one thing they all had in common is that they just don't know when to shut up.

    (Same disclaimer: I'm against violence against women.)

    [ Parent ]

    Norm MacDonald and women (5.00 / 2) (#387)
    by Rahaan on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:07:06 PM EST

    My All-Time Favorite SNL Moment

    During Weekend Update, Norm read a joke regarding a pie chart (whose percentages added up to like 98%) on a screen behind him, which did not go over very well.  So he ad-libbed:

    "If you're wondering why those percentages don't add up to 100, it's because the math was done by a woman."

    slight pause and some stifled laughter

    "Now, before you get mad, I have to tell you that that joke was written by a woman."

    another slight pause

    "Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women here."

    you know, jake.. i've noticed that, since the tacos started coming, the mail doesn't so much come as often, or even at all
    [ Parent ]

    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? (4.00 / 1) (#403)
    by Herring on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 07:33:42 AM EST

    Because she was a woman.

    Say lol what again motherfucker, say lol what again, I dare you, no I double dare you
    [ Parent ]
    so you claim not to support violence against women (none / 0) (#453)
    by Pro metheus on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 02:15:14 PM EST

    Then why post anthing at all that may encourage this type of behaviour?  

    [ Parent ]
    what do women... (none / 0) (#466)
    by superflex on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 11:32:59 AM EST

    and fish have in common?

    neither would ever get in trouble if they knew when to keep their mouths shut.

    [ Parent ]

    The same reason (none / 0) (#481)
    by Scratch o matic on Sun Aug 25, 2002 at 03:50:54 PM EST

    other posters are encouraging cursing at nuns, telling dirty stories in kindergarten, and butt-fucking leprechauns.

    [ Parent ]
    The Intrepid explorer (3.14 / 7) (#358)
    by Hechz on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 06:58:18 PM EST

    By rule of "IF you are one you may say it", I am officially authorised to tell this joke, please no flames

    The great white hunter is walking through deepest darkest Africa. The vines are thick, the air is thick and he is making a slow trek as he slahes throught the foliage. All of a sudden he drops a few feet. He realizes, much to his dismay that he has fallen into quicksand.

    Just a bit out od reach is a large vine by which he could extricate himself. However, he just can;t reach it. He waits.

    About a half hour later a native walks by and the hunter asks, "Native Native please throm me that vine. I've fallen into quicksand and I cannot get out." The native pauses, and thinks for a moment.

    And replies, "OK, I'll throw you that vine if you suck my dick."

    The great white hunter thinks for a moment, looks down, and replies, "I just can't do that I must wait for someone else to come along."

    More time passes and he's up to his waist

    Another native walks by, and again the hunter asks, "Native Native please throm me that vine. I've fallen into quicksand and I cannot get out."
    The native pauses and says, "OK, I'll throw you that vine, but you have to suck my dick."

    The hunter thinks for a few moments this time, considers it, but cannot. "NO, I could never"

    Finally and hour and a half pass, he is desperate.

    Another native walks by, and the hunter says, "Native Native, please throm me that vine, I'll do anything, I'll suck your dick, anything."

    The native pauses, looks around.

    Slams his foot onto the head of the hunter, and exclaims, "fucking faggots"

    What does a redneck say right before he dies? (3.40 / 5) (#362)
    by General Lee on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:52:29 PM EST

    (say with loud excited southern accent)


    Thank you. Thank you. I'm hear all week.
    Try the veal.

    Ah Reckon You Meant "Y'All" (none / 0) (#397)
    by KnightStalker on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 02:27:20 AM EST

    Old as the hills but I didn't see anyone else post 'em :-)

    How do you tell which cowboy is from Prineville?
    Wool in his zipper.

    How do you find the virgin from Prineville?
    That's the ugly 9-year-old who can run faster than her brothers.

    [ Parent ]

    Prineville? (none / 0) (#479)
    by phatlipmojo on Sat Aug 24, 2002 at 04:29:35 PM EST

    You must be from Bend...

    [ Parent ]
    Redmond (none / 0) (#480)
    by KnightStalker on Sun Aug 25, 2002 at 11:14:18 AM EST

    Yeah, I know, that makes it a bit hypocritical :-)

    [ Parent ]
    Road rage (none / 0) (#402)
    by roiem on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 06:28:28 AM EST

    There was some research published some time ago as to what most drivers in the US say as their last words, just before dying in a car accident. Seems that in 49 states, over 82% of such drivers' last words were "oh, shit!". The last state was Texas. 92% of the time, the last words were "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
    90% of all projects out there are basically glorified interfaces to relational databases.
    Parent ]
    A true story (3.71 / 7) (#363)
    by RyoCokey on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:53:11 PM EST

    I used to run an HTTP site for anime videos, but had very little HD space, or money to buy a new HD. So I asked people online to send my HDs. Eventually, someone did send me an old HD. I plugged it in, and found that he'd forgotten to erase it.

    The drive was filled with easy listening and Celine Dion mp3s. It also had quite a bit of hardcore porn on it. I immediately deleted the disgusting trash. Eventually, when I needed more space, I got rid of the porn, too.

    If there really is a causation between porn and rape, then I say bring on the bukkak
    Is no one going to bust out the tiny piano??? (4.25 / 4) (#364)
    by curunir on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 07:54:01 PM EST

    A man walks into a bar and pulls a 5" tall piano and a tiny piano player out of his pocket and the tiny man begins to play a beethoven sonata. The bartender walks over to him and remarks, "Wow...that's really cool. Where did you get that?"

    The man replies, "There's a geenie down the street and he's granting wishes, but be very careful what you wish for..."

    The bartender says, "Yeah, yeah, careful what you wish for, it might come true...the old proverb...whatever...I QUIT!" then runs out of the bar.

    2 minutes later the bartender returns to the bar amidst a tremendous roar of quacking and flapping. He goes over to the man who told him about the genie and says, "That geenie is all f'd up...I wished for a million bucks, then all of a sudden I was surrounded by more ducks than I've ever seen before in my life!"

    To which the man replies, "No shit!!! Do you really think I'd wish for a 10" pianist?

    Different variation (1.00 / 1) (#415)
    by FortKnox on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 11:03:20 AM EST

    The way I heard it was when the bartender asked the man about the pianist, the man replied, "I found this Geanie, and was granted a wish."
    The bartender asks, "And you asked for a 10" pianist??"
    The man answers, "No, but I had a cold that day."
    Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
    [ Parent ]
    Believe it now, baby! (4.10 / 10) (#367)
    by CarryTheZero on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:04:40 PM EST

    A man and a woman are in the checkout line at the supermarket. Eyeing her purchases carefully, he notices that she's buying a loaf of bread, some baby carrots, and a frozen pizza. He turns to her and says,
    "You must be single."
    Says she,
    "That's amazing! How did you know that?"
    Says he,
    "Because you're ugly!"

    You said I'd wake up dead drunk / alone in the park / I called you a liar / but how right you were
    iTunes users: want to download album artwork automatically? Now you can.
    Churchill story (4.33 / 3) (#399)
    by rsidd on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 03:59:33 AM EST

    At a party, Churchill said to Lady Astor, apropos of nothing: "You're ugly!"

    Taken aback, she replied: "And you're drunk."

    "True," he said. "But I shall be sober tomorrow morning."

    [ Parent ]

    Pretty Sick (1.50 / 4) (#368)
    by Scurra on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:06:30 PM EST

    This is possiby the sickest joke that I tell on a regular basis... I quote directly from http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=703436

    Once upon a time, there was a man named Bill. Now, Bill had a problem.. you see, he had a 12" long penis, and to date, had never been able to get the whole thing into a woman. Bill, after a number of years of trying, got frustrated enough to go to the local brothel and ask the madam if she could help him out.

    The madam was so sure that she could help him out that she offered him a guarantee - that he would manage to fit the entirety of his enormous schlong into one of her girls and have fantastic sex with her. If the girl couldn't do the job, he could come back to her and she would let him have one of her other girls until his needs were met.

    Bill, being no fool, saw the great opportunity that this was, and took her up on it. He handed the Madam the money, and she said "First door on your right, her name is Sally, have a good time, loverboy."

    Well Bill went upstairs, first door on the right, and saw a cute little brunette waiting for him. She must have been only about 5'3", and he thought to himself "She'll never be able to take me." Anyways, so the two get down to the dirty, and he's slowly trying to slide all the way in. He gets 6".. 7"... 8".. and she screams in pain. Frustrated, he gets up from the bed and, carrying his clothes in front of him, walks down to the parlor where the Madam is sitting.

    "Madam, Sally really couldn't do what you promised me," he said.
    "Now don't you worry, Billy.. go back upstairs and try the second door on your right, her name is Rachel."

    Bill went back upstairs, opened the second door on his right, tossed his clothes in the corner and hopped on Rachel. She moaned in approval as he started to slide his massive member into her.. 8".. 9"... and she screamed in pain. He didn't even bother picking up his clothes this time, he just headed down the stairs. "Madam," he started..
    "Now Billy, don't you worry, I have JUST the girl for you. Go down to the last door on your left. Don't talk to her, don't turn the lights on, just fuck her silly and enjoy yourself."

    Bill thought this was somewhat strange, but he was a tad too flustered to think straight, so he did what he was told. He found her on the bed, ass high in the air, ready to be humped like the whore that she was. He obliged, and managed to fit all the way in. Bill was happily pumping away when he noticed that the girl was FOAMING at the MOUTH. Bill screamed in horror and dashed out the door and down the stairs, shouting as he went, "Madam, madam, there's something wrong with that girl!!"

    The Madam didn't seem too flustered, she just hollered down the side hallway, "Harry! Get up to room 9, the dead girl is full again!!"

    YABJ (Yet another bar joke) (2.33 / 3) (#371)
    by CokeFiend on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:42:13 PM EST

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "why the long face?"

    Russian joke (3.40 / 5) (#372)
    by Nyarly on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 08:47:48 PM EST

    Two old men were sitting in a park, about a decade ago, sharing vodka and reminiscing. The first old man asks the other:

    "Boris, where were you born?"

    Boris replies: "Vitya, I was born in St Petersburg."

    "Ah, so was I. Where did you grow up?"

    Boris frowns a little, remembering. "Vitya, I grew up in Leningrad."

    "Da, Leningrad. And where do you live now?"

    Boris frowns a little more. "Now I live in Stalingrad. And do you know what, Boris?"

    "Nyet, Vitya. What?"

    "I wish I still lived in Saint Petersburg."

    It's a little sad, but that's what makes it authentically Russian.

    "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise" --Hungarian Proverb

    More accurately, Soviet (none / 0) (#376)
    by epepke on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:51:06 PM EST

    Since Russia is back to being Russia, and St. Petersburg is back to being St. Petersburg.

    The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.--Terry Pratchett

    [ Parent ]
    I'm afraid you messed up the joke :-) (none / 0) (#461)
    by Kiscica on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 01:56:55 AM EST

    They should have lived in St. Petersburg, i.e. Sankt-Peterburg (as the city was called from its 1703 founding -- by Peter the Great, you see -- until 1914), then in Petrograd (the German-sounding name was russified when WWI broke out) until Lenin's death in 1924, then in Leningrad until 1991 when the Soviet Union collapsed, then finally in St. Petersburg again. The joke, of course, is that the 20th century saw the same city bear all of these names.

    Having them live in Stalingrad (so named from 1925 to 1961; it was Tsaritsyn before, and Volgograd after) wrecks the joke, though the same joke could conceivably be told about that city as well (nevertheless, Russians always tell it about Peterburg -- a far more important city).

    By the way, I've never encountered the proverb "The believer is happy. The doubter is wise" in Hungarian. Where did you hear it?


    [ Parent ]
    The smartest dog (4.00 / 4) (#373)
    by caffeine1 on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:07:32 PM EST

    Three dog lovers were debating which of their pooches was the smartest of all. The first one says, "My dog can do more than roll over and play dead. Watch. Here Fido!" Fido trots out, he rolls over, plays dead, walks on his forepaws, finishes his floor exercises with a polka. For his work, he gets a cookie.

    The second dog owner says, "Aw, that's just physical prowess. What about mental exertion? Here Rover!" Rover trots out, successfully adds a few numbers together (2 plus 2, 3 plus 3, 23876 plus 45687), responds to commands in German, corrects his owner's French, and proves the Pythagorean theorem on his way out. For his work, he gets a cookie.

    The third owner says nothing but, "Yo, Fifi!"

    Fifi walks out, fucks both Fido and Rover, and gets their cookies.

    Corny Catholic Joke (3.40 / 5) (#377)
    by MoonVine on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:53:15 PM EST

    A beautiful young girl went into the nearby city to find work. They were all very, very poor, and her mother was old, and as she was the only living child she had gone to work to support her family. After a few months she came to her little hamlet with lots and lots of money. The mother was ecstatic upon her return and the amount of wealth she had acrued.

    Her mother immediately asked, "So what exactly do you do there?"

    Her daughter honestly replied, "Mother, I have become a prostitute."

    Mother, aghast, exclaims, "You have become what?!" And promptly faints.

    After about a half an hour, the mother came to and asked again, "Now tell me again what you have become."

    And the daughter replied again, "Like I said before mother, I have become a prostitute."

    The mother then said, "Oh! Thank God! Hail Mary! I thought I heard you say that you had become a protestant.

    A nun and a priest golfing (4.14 / 7) (#378)
    by a on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 09:59:56 PM EST

    There was a priest who loved to golf, but as he got older he found he was having trouble carrying his own clubs. So one of the nuns agrees to be his caddy.

    The two of them get to the first hole, the priest swings, hits the ball, it goes flying through the air... but misses the hole.

    "Goddammit, I missed!" the priest shouts.

    "You shouldn't say that," the nun warns him.

    They get to the next hole, the priest swings, hits the ball, it goes flying through the air... but he misses again.

    "Goddammit, I missed!"

    "You shouldn't say that," the nun repeats. "One of these days he's going to strike you down with lightning."

    The priest ignores her, and they go on to the next hole. He swings, hits the ball, it goes flying through the air... and he misses again.

    "Goddammit, I missed!" the priest shouts. All of a sudden the sky clouds over and a bolt of lightning comes down... hits the nun.

    A voice from the sky booms: "Goddammit, I missed!"

    Kind of dated (3.80 / 5) (#380)
    by a on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:19:37 PM EST

    Background info:

    At the time this joke was originally told (it can be applied to other, current political figures, but in the interest of accuracy I'm telling the joke as it was told to me), the following was true:

    • George H. W. Bush was the President
    • Dan Quayle was Vice President
    • Mario Cuomo was Governor of New York
    While giving Bush and Quayle an aerial tour of New York, Mario Cuomo opens the door of the airplane and drops two one-dollar bills.

    "I just made two New Yorkers happy," he says. Quayle sits there thinking about it for a minute. Then he stands up, walks to the door and drops 10 one-dollar bills.

    "I just made ten New Yorkers happy," he announces.

    Bush gets up, pushes Cuomo out the door, and says "I just made 'em all happy."

    Three Blind Drunk Mice (4.11 / 9) (#381)
    by mortisimo on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 10:20:49 PM EST

    Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were.

    The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times."

    And, with that, he slams another shot.

    The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."

    And, with that, he slams another shot.

    The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

    The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

    The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

    Creepy tale of devotion heard at a poetry recital (3.87 / 8) (#388)
    by a on Mon Aug 19, 2002 at 11:07:56 PM EST

    Through the rain,
    I will find you.
    Through the snow,
    I will find you.
    Through the sleet,
    I will find you.
    I know where you live,
    I will find you.
    I am your mailman,
    This is my job.

    One of my favourites... a little long though! (4.25 / 4) (#392)
    by DonQuote on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:20:55 AM EST

    This guy is watching a Notre Dame game at the stadium, enjoying the fightin' Irish kick some ass as he chugs back the beers and the hot dogs. Well, after a while, he starts feeling the beer so he makes his way over to the restroom and begins to relieve himself.

    In walks this short little dude, not much more than 4 ft, dressed in a green and yellow suit, and he walks up to the urinal. Now, the thing is pretty high up, and the guy's thinking no way is the short guy gonna be able to actually piss inside it - but the short Irishman unzips his fly and unrolls this HUGE schlong that has no problem reaching up over the edge of the porcelain.

    "Hold on a second! You're a leprechaun, aren't you?" asks the guy. The dude in green replies "Aye, that I am".
    "Well, then you have to give me three wishes, since I caught you, right?"
    The leprechaun sighs and says, "Aye, I suppose I do."
    Getting excited now, the man says the first thing that comes to mind - "I wish I was rich!!"
    The leprechaun claps his hands, and says "Done! When ye get home tonite, your house will be full of money!"

    "Ok, ok... well, the next wish is easy: I wish for lots of hot chicks to be my sex slaves!"

    Once again, the leprechaun claps his hands, and exclaims "Done! There'll be dozens of babes just waitin' for ye when ye get home tonite!"

    "Uhm... well, since I have tons of money, and tons of babes, about the only thing I need now is a dick the size of yours!"

    The leprechaun grimaces at that. "Aye... well, that'll be a mite hard to do. I'm gonna hafta, you know, do you up the rear."

    The man is a little appalled by this suggestion, but he figures since he's rich, has women, and is about to have the biggest dick in the world, he can take a little action in his backside. "Ok, just this once, but take it easy on me, I've never done this before."

    "Aye, all right mate, don't you worry," says the Leprechaun, and so they get it on in the stall for a bit. Of course, it hurts like hell because well, his member is so BIG, but the guy grits his teeth and keeps thinking of all the women and the money, and most of all, his enlarged manhood, and bears it.

    A few minutes later, the short Irish guy whispers in his ear, "So, now that we're gettin all friendly like, how old are you?"

    A little confused, he replies "26, why?"

    "Aren't you a little old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

    ... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

    Quite a Buzz... (2.25 / 4) (#395)
    by amike on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:38:07 AM EST

    A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, an alien sits down next to him and orders a drink. A minute later, the alien touches him and goes *bzzt*. The man decides not to pay any attention.

    A few minutes later, the alien does the same thing again -- touch him and go *bzzt*, apparently enjoing itself. The man ignores this as well. When the alien does this a third time (barely resisting laughter), the man is irked. "Hey, could you stop that?" he asks. The alien touches his arm and goes *bzzt* a few minutes later, giggling. The man, annoyed, says, "Stop it!"

    But the alien couldn't help itself, and that *bzzt* was the last straw for the man. He gets up and says, "THAT DOES IT! WE'RE GOING OUTSIDE AND SETTLING THIS!"

    So they go outside and start to fight. In the course of the melee, the alien's pants fall off, revealing to the man that it has no genitalia. The man, curious, asks the obvious question: "If you have no genitalia, how do you have sex?"

    With that, the alien touches him and goes *bzzt*.

    In a mad world, only the mad are sane. -Akira Kurosawa
    Yet another true one (4.37 / 8) (#398)
    by jgp on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 02:59:07 AM EST

    I'm invited out to play a game of squash with a friend. Good stuff - stumbling around, sweating, hitting, missing, the hours fly by. Too many hours - four of them. I'm feeling fine at the end of the day, but wake up a little sore the next. Ooohh.. Second day it really bites - can't walk down stairs, can't ever roll over in bed. I get asked out to a social event and have to decline. The guy I played with tells people "He's not coming - squash wrecked him". Strangely the new filters around my firends for a few days. The following days, I start getting calls from people, asking how I am and wondering if they can help in any way. Rather strange I think - it's like they thing I'm dying or something.

    A few weeks later it gets back to me that people were being so nice because they though I'd somehow managed to suffer a squashed rectum - no one knew how I'd sustained such a perplexing but obviously un-comfortable injury, but it certainly didn't sound like fun.

    The End.

    Russian communist-era jokes (4.00 / 2) (#400)
    by strlen on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 06:09:28 AM EST

    "Would you like your tea with sugar?"
    "Then you'd have to have wash your hands without soap"
    (Reffering to the fact that soap and sugar were considered deficit items in the 80s in the Soviet Unions and requires special tickets to purchase them).

    "Is it possible to wrap an elephant in a newspaper?"
    "Yes, if Kruschev's speech is published in the said newspaper".

    "What should one do in case of a nucler explosion?"
    "Wrap yourself in a white blanket, and slowly, without causing mass panic, crawl to the graveyard"
    (Reffering to massive civil defense campaign in the Soviet Union which focused on not-creating mass panics in event of a nuclear attack).

    And a joke reffering to various ethnicities of the Soviet union:
    "What primate did humans evolve from?"
    "Well, it depends on the nationality:
    Georgians evolved from a Chimpa-nadze
    Russians evolved from a Gavrilla
    and Jews evolved from an Avram-gutang"

    (Gavrilla is a stereotypical Russian firstname, Avram is Jewish name, and -nadzda is a common prefix in Georgian last names)

    And a Russian joke dealing with everyone's favorite  herb.

    Police arrive at a stoner's home:
    "Neighbors are complaining that there's always laughing coming from your home, and it smells like burnt rags, what have you been doing here?"
    "We've been laughing and burning rags!"

    [T]he strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone. - Henrik Ibsen.

    Half His Head is Like a Big Orange (3.20 / 5) (#407)
    by rickydazla on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 09:01:27 AM EST

    A young man walks into a bar. Half of his head looks like a big orange.

    The barman says:
    "I couldn't help but notice that half of your head looks like a big orange. If you don't mind me asking, how did it come to be like that?"

    The lad replies:
    "Well, I was rooting round in the garage the other day and found an old lamp, I rubbed it and out came a genie. He gave me the old 3 wishes thing."

    "Was it the 1st wish that made you look like that?"

    The lad replies:
    "No, I asked to be loved and desired sexually by the most attractive women on the planet, and it worked."

    "Was it the 2nd wish that made you look like that then?"

    The lad replies:
    "No, I asked to have a wallet with an infinite amount of cash in, and it worked."

    "Right so it must have been the 3rd wish that made you look like that then?"

    The lad replies:

    "So what did you wish for?"

    The lad replies:
    "I asked to have half my head look like a big orange."

    I'm a million different people

    what the (none / 0) (#439)
    by vyesue on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 08:15:08 PM EST

    was I supposed to get this?


    [ Parent ]
    Does what it says on the tin (none / 0) (#447)
    by rickydazla on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 08:23:24 AM EST

    What's not to get?

    I'm a million different people
    [ Parent ]
    ok let me ask more clearly (none / 0) (#456)
    by vyesue on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 05:38:43 PM EST

    Is this a shaggy dog joke? or a pun that I'm not getting?

    (If you make me post the shaggy dog joke to explain what a shaggy dog joke is, I'm going to get virtual eggs and tomatoes thrown this way, so please google before you ask if you don't know.)


    [ Parent ]
    It is (none / 0) (#474)
    by rickydazla on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 11:12:35 AM EST

    the former.

    I'm a million different people
    [ Parent ]
    Disney Layoffs (2.00 / 2) (#408)
    by AnalogBoy on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 09:26:17 AM EST

    With Disney stock prices falling, C.E.O. Eisner has green-lighted the lay off of some formerly successful animated characters.

    As less costly replacements for direct to video sequels surface from non-equity sources, contracts have been terminated and royalties discontinued.

    Faced with such significant losses in income, word on the street tells us the fate some of these household names have met.

    All 101 Dalmatians

    Sold to Neiman-Marcus for the fall line.


    Shot into space by the former Soviet Socialist Republic.


    Caught stealing one too many times. Now being traded nightly for a pack of menthols at Rikers Island.

    Ariel's sisters

    Caught by a bunch of horny Gorton's Fisherman.


    Went missing while visiting China Town.

    Baby Herman

    "Adopted" by a guy with a diapering fetish.


    Now decorating the floor in front of a fire place.


    Killed with an AK-47 by a member of the NRA.


    Became a stripper for the Chippendales.

    Benny the Cab

    Found junked in a Harlem chop shop.

    Blue Fairy

    M.C. of the local drag show in South Beach.

    Chip n' Dale

    Extracted from the colon of Richard Gere.

    Christopher Robin

    Rent Boy; died of heart failure caused by Ecstasy overdose.

    Cogsworth, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts, Chip

    Sold to a Queens pawn shop for $10.00


    Cut open after devouring canine resident of local trailer park.

    Donald Duck

    Served as Wednesdays special at EPCOT China Pavilion.


    Sucked into the engine of a United 747.

    Fairy Godmother

    Runs a half-way house for wayward girls.


    Strung tightly to a Les Paul guitar.

    Flora, Fauna, Merryweather

    Suffocated after being caught by a kid who forgot to punch holes in the jar lid.




    Doin' stand-up in L.A.


    Sold to the Smithsonian Institute to determine his species.


    Incinerated while digging his way to China.


    Work's for New Jersey DMV.


    Motivational Speaker.

    Huey, Dewey, Louie

    Ward's of the State after being rescued from an underground porn factory.


    Flight attendant for KLM.

    Jessica Rabbit

    Backup singer for Guns N' Roses.

    Jimminy Cricket

    Hit a windshield at 70 MPH.

    Lady and the Tramp

    Sold to a Vietnamese Restaurant.

    Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, Drizella

    Stars of a popular live show entitled "Naughty Stepsisters" in Amsterdam.

    Lost Boys

    Made a killing on the Jerry Springer circuit.

    Magic Mirror

    Belongs to Joan Rivers.

    Mary Poppins

    Shot down as UFO over British air space.


    Grand Wizard for the KKK.


    Living rent free in a Brownstone as the pet of a rice queen.

    Mr. Smee

    Troll, convicted of stalking Christopher Robin.

    Peter Pan

    Christopher Robins lover; killed himself in despair.


    Died on the table during emergency colon surgery after discovering the wonderful thing about Tiggers.


    See Huey, Dewey, Louie.

    Queen of Hearts

    Successful Star of "Big Ol' Gals Production" film.

    Robin Hood & Little John

    Moved to Vermont, lived happily ever after.

    Sheriff of Notingham

    Bitch to the Merry Men.


    Died of Pneumonia.

    Snow White

    Caught VD from a cheatin' Prince Charming.

    Scrooge McDuck

    Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the kinder, gentler IRS.

    The Rescuers

    Involved in cancer research.


    Couldn't afford Prozac anymore, bounced off a cliff.


    See Flora, Fauna, Merryweather

    (Ironically, it was an empty Peter Pan Peanut Butter jar)

    White Rabbit

    Hit by a truck on his way to the Unemployment Office.

    Winnie the Pooh

    Died with a cholesterol level of 570.

    Save the environment, plant a Bush back in Texas.
    Religous Tolerance (And click a banner while you're there)

    Job Interview (3.25 / 4) (#412)
    by bungle on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:30:49 AM EST

    (Better verbally)

    Two guys were both interviewing for the same job and the employer was at a loss. Both candidates were equally qualified, and he really didn't know how to choose. Since he felt bad just flipping a coin or something, he decided to have a little contest.

    He invited both men into his office and told them the situation. Since the position was technical, he decided to have an impromptu poetry contest.

    "Today we're going to have a little poetry contest to test your creativity. I'll give you five minutes to create a short poem. Whoever thinks of the best poem gets the job. To make things interesting, your poem must end in the word 'Timbuktu'. Your time starts now."

    Five minutes pass, and the employer calls time.

    "Okay lads, time is up. You, tell me yours first."

    "Okay, here goes", says the man.

    Out across the desert sand,
    A camel caravan.
    Underneath skies of blue,
    Destination: Timbuktu

    "Very good" says the employer. "Okay, you're next."

    "Alright, here it is", says man number two.

    Tim and I a-fishing we went,
    Came across three girls in a tent
    Them being three and us being two,
    I buk one and Timbukto!

    Some more jokes (4.00 / 3) (#414)
    by DonQuote on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:42:21 AM EST

    Superman is flying around Metropolis one day, feeling rather horny. He spots Wonder Woman lying on the roof of the Fabulous Four building, completely naked.

    Superman figures with his super speed, he can do her and get out of there before she even knows what's going on, so he zips down there, does his thing, and flies away, smug.

    "What was that!" exclaims Wonder Woman

    "I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts!" says the Invisible Man


    These two buddies are relaxing on their day off, playing a game of golf. All is going well, until they come upon a pair of women ahead of them, who obviously can't play and are just taking FOREVER at the holes.

    "Dammit, this sucks! Can you please go and ask them if they mind us going ahead of them?" one guy says the other. So the second guy starts walking towards the pair, but as he gets closer he quickly turns around and walks back.

    "What's wrong?" his friend asks him.

    The other guy is all pale, and says "I can't ask them! One of those women is my wife, and the other one my mistress! You do it!"

    The first guy shrugs and starts walking towards the women, but he too, when he gets closer, turns around and comes back. "What's wrong now?" his friend asks.

    "It's a small world, isn't it?"


    Well, Bill Gates finally dies, and he is standing in front of St. Peter for judgement. The angel says, "Well, your marketing practices have been despicable, you have no morals, but despite all that you made some software that made millions of people's lives better, so I'll tell you what, I'll let you have a look at both heaven and hell, and you can decide where you'd like to go."

    Bill Gates agrees with this, and so St. Peter takes him on a quick tour of heaven. Gates sees people lying around, eating grapes, playing harps, and seeming contented. "This is pretty good," he thinks to himself.

    Then St. Peter takes him to Hell. Here, there are long rolling beaches, crystal water, all sorts of babes swimming and smiling at him as he passes by. There's free beer being given out to everyone and it's just a giant party in general.

    Gates exclaims to St. Peter, "This is no contest! Hell is so much better, I want to go there!"

    "Are you sure, Bill Gates? There is no changing your mind."

    "Yes I'm sure!"

    So St. Peter snaps his fingers, and a giant pit of fire opens up under Bill gates. He is impaled on a stick and slowly begins to roast over the hellfire.

    "Hey!" Gates screams. "This isn't right!! Where are all the women and the beaches!??!!"

    St. Peter replies, "Oh that? That was just the demo version."


    And finally, since you're probably getting tired of all of these, a short one:

    Q: What's the difference between Madonna and a bowling ball?

    A: You can't fit Madonna inside a bowling ball.

    ... Use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

    Heeerrrreeee ya go....... (2.66 / 3) (#418)
    by AcidBath on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 11:30:20 AM EST

    First and foremost let me say that is joke contest is great! I registered as a member just to share some with you people! If anyone is offended by these, learn to take a joke!


    Three gay guys are sitting in a hot tub when a condom floats to the surface. The tree sit there staring at each other for a few minutes when finally one says "Alright.... who farted?"


    Three nuns are outside arguing over a bicycle. "I want to go next!" says one nun, "no, I am next!" says the next nun, "No way! It is my turn!" says the third nun. At this point the priest comes out and says "Keep it up sisters and I'll put the seat back on it"


    Q: What's the worst thing about screwing your grandma?  
    A#1: Putting her back in the wheelchair.
    A#2: Bumping your head on the coffin.


    Q: How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?
    A: Fuck her in the ass then wipe it on the curtain.


    Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?
    A: Hand her a shovel.


    Q: If San Francisco had and earthquake who would get out first? The straight people or the gays?
        A#1: The gays, they already have their shit packed.
        A#2: What straight people?


    A guy walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist "I need some contraception for my 11 year old daughter.", to which the pharmacist replies "Your daughter is 11 and is already sexually active?!?" "No" says the guy "I wouldn't call her active, she just lays there like her mother".


    Q: Why shouldn't black people and mexicans have kids together?
    A: Their children would be to lazy to steal.


    Q: What was the best thing about the Million Man March?
    A: Only three guys missed work.


    Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, let the bitch do it when she is done with the dishes!


    Q: What's the difference between a Rabbi and a Catholic Priest?
    A: One cuts it off, one sucks it off


    Q: What did the little black kid get for Christmas?
    A: MY BIKE!!


    Q: How did the Germans capture Poland so easily?
    A: They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.


    Q: Why don't midgets wear tampons?
    A: They always trip on the string.


    Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a pecker?
    A: You can always find a woman to blow your paycheck.


    Well I could go on forever, but those are some of my favorites!

    A woman walks into a pub... (3.66 / 3) (#420)
    by brunns on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 12:01:58 PM EST

    A woman walks into a pub, and asks the barman for a double entente. So the barman gives her one.

    Surely that should be "entendre"? (none / 0) (#444)
    by Atrax on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 03:50:57 AM EST

    shouldn't it?

    [ Parent ]
    Kind of late but here it is... (3.50 / 6) (#423)
    by wintermute204 on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 01:08:36 PM EST

    My favorite joke...
    An elephant is walking along a path when he steps on a thorn. It gets struck deeply in his foot. He soon finds that his trunk is to big to get a grip on the thorn and he can't pull it out.
    So as he is sitting there in pain, he notices an ant walking along the path.
    "Mr Ant, please help me. Please pull this thorn out of my foot"
    The ant looks at the elephant for a little bit and says "I'll pull that thorn out on one condition. You have to let me fuck you in the ass."
    The elephant can't believe it, but he is in alot of pain so he says OK.
    So the ant grabs the thorn and tugs and tugs and finally it pops out.
    "Now it's time for my payment Mr Elephant" says the ant. So the elephant resigns himself to the fact that he is going to get it up the ass from and ant.
    The and walks around the elephants back, pushes his tail out of the way and starts going at it like crazy.
    A monkey sitting in a tree sees all this starts laughing, grabs a coconut, whips it down and pegs the elephant in the head.
    The elephant yells "OUCH!"
    The ant yells "TAKE IT ALL BITCH!!!"

    Bjlhct gives it a try. (3.66 / 3) (#428)
    by bjlhct on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 03:50:55 PM EST

    A doctor is walking through a jail to visit his brother, a guard going with him.
    He stops to look at the people in 2 cells with 3 people each.

    In the one to his left, there's a guy passed out on the floor, a guy rolling on the floor laughing, and a guy watching the guys in the cell on the doctor's right.

    In the one to the doctor's right, there's guy passed out on the floor, a guy rolling on the floor laughing, and a guy watching the TV in the cell.

    The doctor says to the guard: "What are you doing to these people?!?!"

    The guard responds: "Well, the guys in the cell to your right just had their punishment declared 'cruel and unusual' so they're gonna to get to break rocks and make license plates with the rest of 'em."

    "What was their punishment?"

    "Having the jokes of the Kuro5hin.org joke contest on their TV for a week."

    my favorite two jokes (4.33 / 3) (#429)
    by schussat on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 04:11:03 PM EST

    A couple of days late, but here goes nontheless:

    Number one: A guy is sitting in a bar feeling sorry for himself. He looks around and says, "Look at this bar; I built this bar for all my friends to share, but do they call me 'Michael the bar-builder?' No, they don't call me 'Michael the bar-builder.'

    "And look outside," he says. "I built that fence out there for the whole town to use. But do they call me 'Michael the fence-builder'? No, they don't call me 'Michael the fence-builder.'

    "And the pier! I built the pier," he says, "and gave it to the whole village for them to dock their boats. But do they call me 'Michael the pier-builder?' No! They don't call me 'Michael the pier-builder.'"

    He gets really serious and says, "But you know, you fuck just one goat ..."

    Number two: These two cows are chewing their cud, hanging out in a field, when one cow says to the other, "Hey, what do you think of this mad cow disease? Pretty scary, huh?" And the other cow says, "Don't talk to me; I'm a helicopter."

    And a third, bonus joke, my favorite Scottish proverb: Red sky at night, shepherd's delight; red sky at morning, sheep are on fire.

    I hope noone said it already. (3.00 / 1) (#430)
    by rodneymunch on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 04:15:20 PM EST

    Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
    You would too, if your name was "RAA RAA RAA RAA!"

    Think about it... (3.50 / 2) (#431)
    by Loyal Opposition on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 05:13:27 PM EST

    A giant, toothless termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bar tender?"

    moderation bait (4.25 / 4) (#432)
    by bigsexyjoe on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 05:14:33 PM EST

    Why did the little boy fall off the swing?
    He didn't have any arms.

    How many Chicago cops does it take to push a black guy down a flight of stairs?
    None, he fell. And you didn't see nuthin...

    How many lawyers does it take to kick in an old woman's teeth for her social secruity check?
    All of them.


    Two guys go on a camping trip together. After staring at each other for three days they get pretty bored. So the one says "Okay, I have an idea. You walk north for a day and I'll walk South. At sunset we'll meet up again and talk about what we did." So the they do it and they talk about what they did.

    "So, what did you do?"

    "Well I walked north for a while and I found a lake. I rented a boat and went fishing. How about you?"

    "I walked south and I saw a woman tied to some train tracks. I untied her and we wound up having sex all day. It was incredible!"

    "Cool. Did she give you a blow job?"

    "No, I couldn't find the head."

    Another one you feel more evil for having heard (3.00 / 3) (#433)
    by DimwitFlathead on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 05:31:49 PM EST

    What do 30,000 battered women have in common?

    <smacking a fist into your other hand>
    They just don't FUCKIN' listen!

    None of them did what they were told. (none / 0) (#441)
    by bewa on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:19:41 PM EST

    [ Parent ]
    bah (1.33 / 3) (#440)
    by squell on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:00:09 PM EST

    What's the difference between a dead baby and a trash compactor? You can't have sex with a trash compactor.

    and... (1.50 / 2) (#451)
    by gromgull on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 12:38:30 PM EST

    What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies?

    You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.


    What is more fun than swinging a baby around on a piece of string?
    Stopping it with a spade...

    If I had my way I'd have all of you shot

    [ Parent ]

    2of 'em (4.00 / 4) (#442)
    by nne3jxc on Tue Aug 20, 2002 at 10:27:44 PM EST

    Uncle Bill comes over to Little Johnny's house and shows him his new BMW. He shows him the Automatic Climate Control, the Automatic Dimming Headights, the Built-in GPS unit.  Little Johnny is quite impressed.  Then Uncle Bill pops open the trunk and shows Little Johnny how it'll hold two fully outfitted golf bags.
    "What're those things?", Little Johnny asks, pointing to to a couple of small objects next to the golf bags.
    "Oh, those are golf tees," answers Bill, "they're for resting your balls on when you drive."
    "WOW!" exclaims Little Johnny, "Those BMW people think of everything!"

    (this one is sick.)
    17 Year old Jessica goes up to her Dad and asks if she can borrow the car to go on a date tonight.
    "Well," says her dad, "You can have it if you suck my dick."
    "WHAT!?"  She screams, "That's sick!"
    "Hey, if you want the car, you know what you have to do." he answers.
    Jessica thinks about it, and since she really wants the car, she decides to do it.  She gets down and starts working on her dad's dick.
    Finally, she finishes him off, and she says, "You know Dad, I have to tell you, your dick tastes like shit!"
    He slaps his forhead and says,"Oh, that's right!  Your brother has the car tonight!"

    I love this! (4.00 / 4) (#446)
    by obyteme on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 07:17:08 AM EST

    Told to a Baptist by a Catholic:

    Man goes to confessional, sits down and starts to begin when he is interupted by the priest " I am so sorry my son but I have been in here all day and I have to go to the restroom, could you please sit in my stead for a couple of minutes while I am gone. This is the slow part of the day and I am sure no one will come in." The man thinks it over and decides it should be ok for a couple of minutes. So the priest leaves and the man sits down to take his place.

    Of course no sooner had he sat down, as someone enters the booth. The stranger begins his confession "Father forgive me for I have sinned".

    The man is scared shitless thinking to himself "What the hell do I do now?!" Thinking it over for a few seconds he decides that since the stranger can't see him he can probably get away with this. "Confess your sins my son" he says.

    "Father I have committed the heinous act of sodomy."

    "Crap!?" thinks the man "what do I do now? What penance do you give out for that?" Looking outside he sees an altar boy walking by "Psst, hey kid" he says to get the boys attention.

    "Yes sir?" says the boy

    "Tell me what does the Father usually give for sodomy?"

    The boy answers "Usually a new pair of sneakers!"

    To err is human, or I could be wrong.
    If you can't poke fun at it, get a sharper wit.

    Joke (4.00 / 3) (#450)
    by AKUFADUM on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 11:11:55 AM EST

    One day a guy was strolling down a beach along the pacific ocean.

    All of the sudden he hears some crying and whining he looks around and finds this woman with no arms and no legs.

    Guy: "What is the matter why are you crying?"
    Woman: "I've never been kissed before."

    The guy then looks around to make sure that no one was watching.  He picked her up, gave her a kiss and put her down again.  He winked at her and started to walk away.  She started to cry again even louder the guy returns and...

    Guy: "Now what?"
    Woman: "I've never been fucked before"

    The guy then looks around to make sure that no one was watching.  Picks her up throws her in the pacific and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!!!!"

    eh (3.43 / 23) (#452)
    by Shren on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 02:03:42 PM EST

    A nun and an agnostic are working together to help the homeless in a war-torn land. One day a small child grabs the agnostic to get her attention.

    Agnostic : "Yes?"

    Child : "Why is there war?"

    Agnostic : "There's too many people and not enough resources. People dress it up with many names, but essentially they're killing each other for land."

    Overhearing this, the Nun grabs the Agnostic and hauls her away from the child. "You can't tell the child that! He'll lose all hope!" Nodding and apologizing, the Agnostic goes back over to the child.

    Agnostic : "I was wrong about why there is war."

    Child : "Why is there war, then?"

    Agnostic : "God hates you."

    peace and love (none / 0) (#488)
    by sye on Wed Aug 28, 2002 at 10:47:46 AM EST

    The negation of war is not peace but enslavement;
    The negation of peace is not war but love and passion;
    Only peace lasts.

    "Peace is not the absence of war but the absence of God" is an incomplete sentence;
    "War is not the absence of peace but the presence of two Gods" is complete.

    commentary - For a better sye@K5
    ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
    rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
    Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
    enter K5 via Blastar.in
    [ Parent ]

    Just a few (2.33 / 3) (#454)
    by badturtle on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 04:27:38 PM EST

    Q: How is a mouse like an old mattress?
    A: They both squeek if you jump up and down on them.

    Q: How do you make a clown stop smiling?
    A: Hit him with an axe!

    A non-offensive joke... (3.50 / 4) (#455)
    by DanielRendall on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 04:53:15 PM EST

    Q. How do you titillate an ocelot?

    A. Oscillate its titalot.


    short one. (2.00 / 3) (#458)
    by dirvish on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 09:09:07 PM EST

    A guy walks into a bar and says, "Owww!"

    Technical Certification Blog, Anti Spam Blog
    Yet Another Joke (3.50 / 4) (#459)
    by thebabelfish on Wed Aug 21, 2002 at 10:21:38 PM EST

    A friend asked me to post this...

    A man was found in the river, and it was up to the locals to claim his body. Finally, a greif stricken woman stepped forward.

    "Have you any signs to claim this body as your husband's?" she was asked.

    "Yes", answered the woman, "He was a terrible stammerer, and very ticklish too."

    At this, the investigators laughed, but none more heartily than the newbie on the force. Puzzeled, the detective asked, "Why to laugh so hard?"

    The newbie managed between chortles "Foolish woman! Does she think her husband was the only man who was ticklish and stammered?"

    "I don't trust goats," --To Catch a Spy

    Harvard Joke (4.50 / 4) (#460)
    by WheeSplat on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 12:42:59 AM EST

    A man from Texas visits Harvard, and gets a little lost.  He finds a student walking by, and asks, "Can ye tell me where the library's at?" in a typical Texas accent.  

    The Harvard student turns up his nose and replies in a snooty tone, "Here at Harvard, we don't end our sentences with prepositions."

    The Texas man, undiscouraged, replies, "Can ye tell me where the library's at, asshole."

    A bear and a rabbit (3.50 / 4) (#462)
    by fluxrad on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 02:24:18 AM EST

    A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

    As they're finishing up, the bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

    The rabbit replies, "Well...no."

    So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

    "It is seldom liberty of any kind that is lost all at once."
    -David Hume
    2 parrots (3.80 / 5) (#463)
    by obyteme on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 05:20:19 AM EST

    A woman is visiting with her priest one day and notices that he has two parrots in a cage. The parrots are both holding rosary beads and praying. Excitedly she says to her priest "Father I did not know you had parrots, I have two also but I am having a problem with them."

    The Father replies "What is wrong my dear?"

    "Well Father all they do all day is say "Do you want to have sex?". I have tried everything to get them to stop but they will not."

    The Father thinks for a second and says "Why don't you bring them over and we can put them in the cage with my birds. Once they see my parrots praying maybe they will begin praying also."

    The woman excitedly agrees. The next day she brings over her two parrots. They place them in the cage with the two praying parrots and step back to watch.

    Sure enough the womans parrots say "Do you want to have sex?"

    Then one of the praying parrots looks at the other parrot and says "You can put down the beads now, our prayers have been answered!"

    To err is human, or I could be wrong.
    If you can't poke fun at it, get a sharper wit.

    Tech Joke (3.20 / 5) (#467)
    by 2chance on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 12:27:48 PM EST

    A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.

    "You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."

    "Prove it!"

    So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

    "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

    "Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

    The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

    "Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

    The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

    EMP (Engineer, Mathematician and Physicist) joke (3.60 / 5) (#468)
    by jlseagull on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 01:41:06 PM EST

    An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist are taked with building a fence for a Texan's ranch that encloses the most amount of area using the least fence.  The engineer goes first.  She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.  With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter.  His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.  By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking.   The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property.  He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...

    "I declare myself to be on the outside."

    real woman (4.33 / 3) (#469)
    by Jim Tour on Thu Aug 22, 2002 at 04:29:15 PM EST

    ATTENTION, This is the Captain speaking. We have lost all power and are 300 miles out to sea. We're too far out to glide in anywhere and when we hit the water, the impact will kill us all. I suggest you use the time you have left to make peace with your Maker.

    "Like hell!" And with this comment, a statuesque woman in the rear of the plane stands up and strips naked. "I want to know if there's a man on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman before I die!"

    And from the front of the plane a man stands and says, "I can." He walks back to the woman and takes off his shirt and pants and throws them at her.

    "Here" he says, "Iron these!"

    The ever popular polish joke (1.50 / 2) (#470)
    by obyteme on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 02:39:20 AM EST

    Why do the polish not drink Koolaid?

    Can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in that little bitty package!

    To err is human, or I could be wrong.
    If you can't poke fun at it, get a sharper wit.

    Indian Chief (3.00 / 2) (#471)
    by obyteme on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 03:10:31 AM EST

    Chief walks into a pharmacy and asks for the pharmacist. "What can I do for ya chief?" asks the pharmacist.

    "Chief need rubbers."

    "No problem, here ya go." and the pharmacist hands him a box.

    Next day Chief comes back in and he does not look good.

    "Chief, whats wrong? You don't look happy."

    Chief says "Chief go Unnghh, Squaw go Unnghh rubber go boom!"

    "Well damn Chief I am so sorry, here...these are the best rubbers we have in the store. These should hold up for ya. No charge." Chief takes the box and leaves.

    Next day and Chief comes walking in again, and still does not look happy.

    "Chief, whats wrong? Did those I gave ya not work?"

    Chief says "Chief go Unnghh, Squaw go Unnghh rubber go boom!"

    Upon hearing this again the pharmacist thinks for a second and tells the Chief to wait a minute. The pharmacist heads to the back of the store and finds an old tire tube. He cuts it up and stitches it together to make a crude but workable condom.

    He goes back up front and hands it to the Chief "Here ya go Chief, I guarantee you this one will work." The Chief thanks him and leaves.

    The next day the Chief comes in and man does he look horrible. The Pharmacist is suprised to see him looking so bad and asks "Chief what in the world has happened to you? Did the rubber I made for you work? Tell me what happened."

    Chief looks at him and says "Chief go Unnghh, Squaw go Unnghh, Chief go Unnghh, Squaw go Unnghh, Chief go Unnghh, Squaw go Unnghh, balls go BOOM!"

    To err is human, or I could be wrong.
    If you can't poke fun at it, get a sharper wit.

    alternate ending (none / 0) (#486)
    by NFW on Tue Aug 27, 2002 at 01:18:41 AM EST

    This is the way I heard it: Chief says "Chief go Unnghh, rubber go unnghh, squaw go boom!"

    Got birds?

    [ Parent ]

    That'll work too.. (none / 0) (#487)
    by obyteme on Tue Aug 27, 2002 at 02:38:26 AM EST

    To err is human, or I could be wrong.
    If you can't poke fun at it, get a sharper wit.

    [ Parent ]
    deer hunting (3.50 / 2) (#472)
    by squinky on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 09:26:06 AM EST

    I man walks out of the forest with a dead deer slung over his shoulder. [put your left hand up to simulate carrying a deer slung over your shoulder.]

    The Game warden stops him and says, "You know it's not deer hunting season."

    "Yes sir", says the man.

    "Well then, what's that slung over your shoulder".

    [ look down at your right shoulder while holding your left hand up like described earlier ]. "Nothing", says the man quizzically.

    "No", says the warden, "your other shoulder".

    [look at your left shoulder where your hand is; start screaming and slapping at your left shoulder with your right hand like your trying to dislodge some horrible poisonous thing]. "Ahh ahh ahh!"

    buying condoms (3.00 / 2) (#473)
    by squinky on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 10:06:18 AM EST

    A man walks up to the the pharmacy counter and requests some condoms.

    The woman behind the counter says, "what size do you need?"

    The man says, "Size?, average I guess."

    "You guess?", says the clerk, "we better measure to be sure".

    So she unzips his pants, pulls  out his penis to check and says,"Yep-- average." and gives him his condoms.

    A little later an elderly man requests some condoms.

    "What size sir?"

    The man is taken aback--"Size?"

    "I better check," She examines his penis,"you're a large", and she hands him his condoms.

    A teenage boy comes up to her next and whispers, "Can I get some condoms?"

    "What?" she shouts, "You need some condoms?"

    The teenager looks around embarrassed and nervously hisses, "Yes".

    "Well, I'll need to see what size you need."

    The teenager says, "You'll need to *see*!"

    "Yes, I'll need to *see*", she says, "now come here."

    She unzips his pants, then she leans over to the microphone of the public address system and says, "Clean up in pharmacy."

    Superman Joke (3.66 / 3) (#475)
    by luckynapchick on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 05:20:52 PM EST

    Superman is flying above the city. Suddenly he sees Wonderwoman sunbathing naked on her roof. He thinks to himself, " I am Superman. I will be able to fly down quick enough and fuck her, without her even knowing it was me. Yeah, I think that is what I will do." So Superman flys down really quick and fucks Wonderwoman. Wonderwoman says, "What's wrong?" "My asshole hurts sooooo much," replies the Invisible Man.

    priest, doctor, lawyer, engineer, firemen, golf (4.00 / 1) (#476)
    by tbc on Fri Aug 23, 2002 at 06:47:13 PM EST

    A priest, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are at the first tee. The foursome ahead of them is hacking [unlike tech, in golf it's always bad to be a hacker :-] all over the course trying to get to the first green.

    So our foursome goes to the ranger and asks why he hasn't kicked the duffers off the course. The ranger says, "Oh, we won't do that! You see, all four of those men are very brave firemen who saved the clubhouse a month ago from a raging fire. But they all lost their sight. To show our gratitude, we gave them the right to play on the course any time they want."

    The priest says, "Oh, what a tragedy. Tonight I'll say a prayer for those courageous souls."

    The doctor says, "My friend is the best ophthalmologist in the country. I'll bet he can help them."

    The lawyer says, "They settled way too low. I bet I could get them a better deal."

    So then the engineer says, "Why can't you just make them play at night?!"

    Three old ladies.... (2.50 / 2) (#478)
    by khajit on Sat Aug 24, 2002 at 05:07:12 AM EST

    Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, feeding the squirrels, when a man in a trenchcoat walks up to them, whips his coat open, and shows himself in all his glory.
    The first old lady had a stroke.
    The second old lady had a stroke.
    The third old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.

    Evil Dwarf (4.00 / 1) (#482)
    by AKUFADUM on Mon Aug 26, 2002 at 08:49:30 AM EST

    One day at a gym this big tall basketball player was taking a leak.  Along came this short dwarf looks at the basketball player's balls smiles and comes back with a latter.

    He climbs the latter starts staring at his balls and Says: "You have really nice balls"

    The basket player looks at him puzzled.

    Dwarf: "Can I touch them?"

    The basketball player looks around and says ok.

    The dwarf grabs both his nuts and then says: "Give me your wallet or I will jump of the latter"

    The Great Actor (3.00 / 3) (#485)
    by cbraga on Mon Aug 26, 2002 at 12:42:30 PM EST

    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

    The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

    The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

    "You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"

    The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

    "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

    ESC[78;89;13p ESC[110;121;13p

    Coma (2.00 / 1) (#489)
    by AKUFADUM on Wed Aug 28, 2002 at 12:45:36 PM EST

    A woman driving down a highway gets into a serious accident and has slipped into a coma.

    At the hospital

    The husband is by her bedside depressed when the nurse came in and told him he was going to bathe her.  The husband left and sat in the waiting room.  

    As the nurse was bathing she noticed that the neural activity increased when she touched her vagina.  Excited the nurse thought this just may get her out of the coma.  The nurse runs outside looking for the husband she caught up to him....

    Nurse: "Sir, I think I know a way of getting your wife out of the coma!"

    Husband: "How!?!?!"

    Nurse: "Just go in and perform Oral sex on her.  Don't worry I will lock the door so no one will interrupt."

    Excitedly, the husband goes into the room and followed the nurse's instructions.

    All of the sudden EKG flat lines the nurse got the red light at the desk and runs to the room.

    Nurse: "What happened did you do what I told you?"

    Husband: "Yes, but I think she choked!!"

    WARNING: A really stupid joke!! (1.00 / 1) (#490)
    by AKUFADUM on Wed Aug 28, 2002 at 12:47:24 PM EST

    MC Hammer:
    If McDonalds sold tools he'd me it....


    I meant to say (none / 0) (#491)
    by AKUFADUM on Wed Aug 28, 2002 at 12:49:01 PM EST

    I meant to say he'd be it... :oþ

    [ Parent ]
    Scooby dooby.... (3.00 / 1) (#492)
    by NFW on Fri Aug 30, 2002 at 12:25:52 AM EST

    A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement. The doctor tells her not to worry about implants... instead, he says, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

    She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked! She developed great boobies!

    One morning, she was running late and forgot her morning ritual. She was on the bus when she realized... At this point she loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them, so she sat and murmured, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies," as discreetly as she could.

    A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?"

    "Why, yes, I do! How did you know?"

    "Hickory dickory dock...

    Got birds?

    Johnny and Alligator (4.00 / 1) (#493)
    by NFW on Fri Aug 30, 2002 at 12:27:41 AM EST

    One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

    "Well now," his grandmother asked, "where's my bucket and where's my water?"

    "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

    "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years... Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

    "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

    Got birds?

    Vampires in Italy (2.00 / 1) (#494)
    by AKUFADUM on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 03:20:08 PM EST

    A vampire couple are sitting around in their castle in Transylvania.

    Male: "What do you want to do for dinner tonight?"
    Female: "hmmm....I feel like Italian"

    Male: "Ok let's go to Italy"

    Off to Venice they went.

    Male: "What would be a good appetizer?"
    Female: "A couple around 50"

    So they hid behind a column near a bridge when a 50 year old couple came by, they attacked sucked them dry and threw them in the canal.

    Male: "How about the main course?"
    Female: "hmmm... a Mid 20 couple"

    So they hid behind a column near a bridge when a 20 year old couple came by, they attacked sucked them dry and threw them in the canal.

    Male: "How about dessert"
    Female: "hmmm... an under 20 couple"

    So they hid behind a column near a bridge when a teenage couple came by, they attacked sucked them dry and threw them in the canal.

    Male: "Yumm that was really good"
    Female: "Yes it was"

    They started to cross the bridge when they heard some singing.

    Male: "Do you hear that?"
    female: "Yes I do."
    Male: "Sounds like it is coming from the canal maybe one of our victims is still alive I'll go check and finish them off just in case."
    Female: "Ok I will stay here and keep watch"

    AS he snuck underneath the bridge he stops and begins to laugh histerically

    Female: "What, what is it?"
    Male: "It's an alligator singing Drained Wops Keep falling on my head"

    (sung to the theme of rain drops keep falling on my head, in case you didn't know)


    World's Funniest Joke: two hunters, one collapses (none / 0) (#495)
    by tbc on Sat Oct 05, 2002 at 10:18:13 PM EST

    Conclusively proven :-) to be the world's funniest joke:

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    Kuro5hin Joke Contest(tm) | 495 comments (478 topical, 17 editorial, 2 hidden)
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