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[P]
Peers of the Stall

By CheeseburgerBrown in Culture
Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:12:27 PM EST
Tags: Focus On... (all tags)
Focus On...

When I was nine years old I changed schools. In my old school kids picked on my classmates and me because we spoke French; in my new school kids picked on my classmates and me because we were "gifted." So, I pretty much felt at home right away.

Like most nine-year-olds, peeing wasn't something I devoted a lot of thought to. I had avoided wetting my pants for a dog's age, and the issue simply didn't warrant much consideration beyond that. Over the years my shooting accuracy improved somewhat, but the basic mechanics had already been mastered. Peeing was old hat.

Until.


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The Day the Pee Stopped

Until the day when my friends and I lined up at the pint-sized urinals to gab and piss, and we heard a taunting shout from behind: "Look girls -- gifties peeing!"

I craned my neck around. The swinging door directly opposite the bank of urinals was being held open by a squat kid in a red fisherman's coat. He was grinning, showcasing the scene for a cluster of fourth-grade girls who exploded into embarrassed giggles and mocking guffaws.

And my pee stopped dead.

I had never experienced such a thing before. My bladder turned into a fist of obstinate lead in my abdomen, the surrounding muscles suddenly aching and ineffectual. The harder I tried to ignore the taunts, the more impossible it became to even try to pee.

I gave up. I zipped up, and opted to spend recess with crossed legs. When the post-recess crowds had thinned, I slipped off to find relief. In the abandoned washroom I filled a urinal until the cakes floated, sighing with deep satisfaction...

Until I heard the door swing open behind me, and the stream choked off. My back tensed and I waited for more giggles -- but it was just a third-grader heading for a stall to do some earthier business. Despite the fact that there were no girls loitering outside in the corridor, I found that my bladder would not release its cruel lock until the swinging door had come to a rest.

Over the subsequent weeks I found that I could not forget that the door presented a view of our peeing backs whenever it swung open. While my friends seemed unaffected, I found myself ever angling for the corner urinal -- the one far enough around the wall to be invisible from the door. When I could not score the coveted corner, I discovered that I simply could not pee -- not for prayer or bounty.

And so, over the course of the fourth grade, I became a stall-peer.


Stage Fright

I first heard the term "stage fright" in a mictural context when I was twelve years old, standing in a stall in Toronto's venerable Old Firehall Theatre to see a Second City show. A gaggle of well-liquored men filled the washroom during the intermission, standing in rough lines and joking lewdly while waiting for their turn to pee. "Hey kid, what's takin' so long?" called a slurring voice, rapping on the rickety stall door.

"Listen, no tinkles -- baby's got stage fright!" commented his companion and they both laughed like jackals.

I knew the stall was put together with yawning gaps around the door, and I knew that they were watching my rigid back and locked legs, straining their ears to hear the pitter of my reluctant payload. My kidneys quivered sickeningly, and flexing my bladder muscles hurt. Defeated, I decisively zipped up and escaped the stall, pushing out of the washroom while the men laughed. "Stage fright!" they jeered.

As I prowled the Old Firehall in search of a less crowded haven, I vowed to refine my peeing policy. I would take a two pronged approach: on the one hand I would develop strategies to protect me from such ribbing in the future, and on the other hand I promised myself I'd find a way to unlock my recalcitrant bladder once it had turned chicken.

I have met with some success on both counts, and so I'm here to share.


The Syndrome Skinny

Like most social-psychological foibles, this syndrome has been given a lofty name by modern soft scientists: it's called paruresis. According to some vague statistics from the International Paruresis Association based in Baltimore, USA, "about 7% of the public suffer from this social anxiety disorder." Also, nine out of ten paruretics are male. (I, CheeseburgerBrown, am a male paruretic.)

According to Dr Steven Soifer of the University of Maryland: "It's a classic mind-body problem. If you perceive danger, your body reacts in certain ways. For people with paruresis, the internal sphincter shuts and urination is impossible."

Treatment is straight-forward. The paruretic gets over their irrational panic by gradually acclimatising to normal pee experiences, as glimpsed in this article about a man named Bob and his "pee buddy" -- Author Mary Roach listens to Bob pissing from various distances, pushing back Bob's boundaries of neurosis a few feet at a time...

Myself, I'm getting pretty good at peeing with my wife around. But I have yet to ask a less intimate acquaintance to hang around my washroom with me. In the meantime I've managed to hone my bag of tricks for coping with the day to day ridiculous rituals with a minimum of fuss.


The State of the Art

First of all, I want to be clear about this: people who can't crap in public have my sympathy, but there's nothing here for you. If you're paruretic and anal retentive you're up shit creek without a paddle as far as my advice goes.

Because sometimes standing in the stall just isn't an option. Sometimes you have to sit down or risk calling attention to yourself. Sometimes you have to sit down, even if you're in Mexico. Or Paris.

In the workplace, I favour heading directly for a stall, even if there are people present. Hanging around to wash your hands or inspect your hair in the mirror to buy time is for amateurs. Go to the stall and sit down. If you're feeling particularly scrutinised, try working up a mouthful of spit and letting it drop heavily into the bowl to simulate a deposit of poo. Pass gas if it's available.

It should go without saying that you're likely not being not scrutinised by your colleagues, but the irrational feeling of being paid undue attention is the very core of the problem. In my opinion, anything that mitigates that feeling and thereby helps things flow can't be all bad, as long one doesn't make things worse by actually believing that their toilet habits are of much interest to anyone. (Er...except for you, I guess -- seeing as you've read this far. Bloody pervert.)

My most basic tool: I count in my head. I rarely have to count higher than sixteen before I'm peeing. I have counted as high as forty-eight, waiting for muscles to unclench.

Another tip: people tend to pee en masse right after lunch, and then not at all for a while. So, wait ten minutes after the rush and then claim your throne.

Crises do occur, however. Sometimes circumstances conspire to lock my pee, and I have to give up and leave the washroom with a full bladder. In these instances I try not to get disheartened. I immediately head for another washroom in the same building, or even go for a short walk for a pee in a local coffee shop or diner. You never know the nice places to pee you might find.

A pee promenade can be a life-safer when at a busy nightclub or bar or other venues with crowded, obnoxious washrooms. Why even run the gauntlet when there are alleys and bushes and parks in which to let loose in the privacy of darkness?

I once peed on an alley cat by mistake, and so there's the entertainment angle as well.

Construction sites are good, and so are disused basements or areas under renovation. One time in a poolhall I found a cement sub-basement filled with old boxes, broken pool tables and World War II shooting galleys. I peed into an ancient, rusted vat half-filled with spent shell casings.

And before you ask: yes -- I have peed out of an open window. (And yes, I do recommend it.)

Being paruretic keeps you on your toes. Being paruretic turns every mundane outing into an adventure. Being paruretic is preferable, to me, than a host of other social anxiety disorders like stuttering, profuse sweating, severe ass problems or going postal. I'd much rather hold my pee sometimes than, say, be prone to fainting.


Conclusion

Paruresis isn't so bad but, like most woose-based anxiety problems, should be confronted head on lest the neurosis deepen through indulgence. On the other hand, we must still live day to day, and on the road to recovery one must learn to have dignity with crossed legs.

If you are as shameless about your girly-man peeing problems as I am, please share your stories. Otherwise, I guess you should just get on with the mocking.

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Poll
Ever had stage fright?
o Yes, I have not peed in years. 1%
o Yes, I avoid peeing in public facilities. 23%
o Yes, on a rare occasion. 37%
o No, you and your kind are freakish. 9%
o No, but I'm thinking of taking it up. 4%
o No, and I'm not in denial, either. 8%
o I have never peed. 2%
o I'm peeing right now. 2%
o I like to pee on my spouse for erotic thrills. 4%
o I don't remember, I was drunk. 5%

Votes: 72
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Second City
o Internatio nal Paruresis Association
o in this article
o Mary Roach
o stuttering
o profuse sweating
o severe ass problems
o going postal
o fainting
o Also by CheeseburgerBrown


Display: Sort:
Peers of the Stall | 207 comments (190 topical, 17 editorial, 0 hidden)
Hmm (2.91 / 12) (#4)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:37:04 AM EST

Personally, I hate the stalls. You never know what kind of mind-blastingly smelly surprise has been laid. Also, I have a silly unfounded fear of catching a disease from even a dry seat. Nevertheless, I'm glad that I only rarely get the urge to crap while away from home.

One time I had diarrhea and was going on a public loo, when some people walked into the room. One of them said "Awww gross, it smells like someone has diarrhea!". I heard nothing more from them after I responded loudly in the affirmative.


Men's Rooms (2.75 / 4) (#36)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:10:24 AM EST

Anyone who has ever worked at a bar or a restaurant can lecture you long about the differences between male and female washroom etiquette.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the consensus is that we're fucking gross.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Yes, men's restrooms are GROSS (none / 2) (#78)
by 5150 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:01:31 PM EST

Having had to use male heads in the Marine Corps and having a unisex bathroom at my current office, I can tell you that men make an amazing mess of the bathroom! While I have complaints about some of the things women do, it ain't nothing compared to what you guys do!

[ Parent ]
On the other hand, women TALK in restrooms (none / 1) (#117)
by rpresser on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:54:05 PM EST

While I usually have no trouble with anxiety in restrooms, my blood pressure shoots through the roof if I even hear two other people talking in a restroom; if someone addresses me I practically faint.  I cannot understand how you women could possibly wish to share the experience of urination or defecation with another human. Fine, so you don't talk about what you're doing; fine, so the person operating is securely locked in a stall, safe from prying eyes.  Nevertheless, it just boggles my mind and gives me the willies to think of admitting that there are other humans nearby while I eliminate or evacuate.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
Grunts. (none / 2) (#121)
by cdyer on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 07:34:45 PM EST

You speak the gospel.  I've been caught into restroom conversations before, and I can tell you there are few things on this planet (Abu Ghraib included) worse than an involuntary midsentence grunt from a friend on a commode.

[ Parent ]
poop is funny (none / 1) (#125)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:37:14 PM EST

If I were talking to somebody and they did a midsentence grunt, I would be hard pressed not to laugh out loud.


[ Parent ]
Ditto (none / 1) (#151)
by 5150 on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:32:54 AM EST

Never had it happen, but just thinking about it has me giggling in my office stall.

[ Parent ]
Agreed (none / 1) (#150)
by 5150 on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:31:51 AM EST

While I can do business with people talking in the restroom, I do find it very ackward. And while I can do business while in a conversation, it creeps me out to do so (besides, it seems unbelievably rude) and so I opt not to do so. If it were up to me, talking would be banned in restrooms.

[ Parent ]
what a load of bullshit (none / 1) (#183)
by frozencrow on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 01:20:48 AM EST

Once uppn a time, I was a janitor. Lemmee tell you, on average, the women's bathrooms were worse than the men's. With that said, the worst bathrooms were the men's. It was a spike thing. The men's room would be reallly bad, but only occasionally. The women's would be consistently icky, but not to an extreme.

[ Parent ]
Dykes Don't Count (none / 0) (#187)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 08:29:47 AM EST

You've violated your custodial oath by telling us lies abut the men's room. Relinquish your mop!

Oh...and could you take care of the puke behind the curtain while you're here? I think it was omghax.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Saw blood in the stall once. (none / 3) (#97)
by Fon2d2 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:39:20 PM EST

Yeah, I very much prefer pooping at home, but somehow that's become impractical. In high school I never ever crapped in a public stall. I always waited until I got home. Now I don't know what the deal is. The work day is longer. I'm busier in my free time. I'm not trying as hard to hold it. I hardly even think of going #2 at work anymore. It's going to happen, so I deal with it. I got my rituals involving the seat and the toilet paper and I use multiple flushes, and I wash the hands like half a dozen times, and through all that I can manage to pretty much mitigate my sense of disgust.

I did see some blood in one of the toilets once though. Don't remember if it was bloody stool or just blood. (This was at work). I never used that stall again.

Also, on a couple rare occasions, I have shat in public restrooms. The worst being in a port-o-potty during the MS150. That was recently. Yes, disgusting, I know. You eat a lot when you bike that much and I wasn't gonna keep biking when I really had to shit that bad. I thought about holding it.. waiting it out, but that would've been like six hours. Thank God it was a clean shit though. Like literally nothing on the TP. So I loaded up on hand sanitizer and was careful in not touching other food when I went to fill my stomach. That's a note to all you people that do big biking or similar events. If they got rest stops with both port-o-potties and food at the same rest stop, be careful.

And now this is where you thank me for sharing.

[ Parent ]

Jackson Square (none / 0) (#157)
by NoBeardPete on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 11:35:46 AM EST

Several years back I walked into a public bathroom somewhere near Jackson Square in New Orleans, late at night. One of the sinks contained a pair of rubber gloves and was covered in blood. A good portion of the wall, mirror, and floor around the sink were also very bloody. It was really fucking creepy. Me and my friend just turned around and left. We didn't really have to go that badly.


Arrr, it be the infamous pirate, No Beard Pete!
[ Parent ]
I'm a stall peer (none / 3) (#7)
by Verbophobe on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:35:42 AM EST

But I pee with the door unlocked, with my pants down, standing up.  I'm not sure why I do it, but I think it's because I have this deep down need to let everyone know that I'm taking a piss, and that there's a lot of it.

Then again, because I do this, I kinda miss out on the classic urinal joke:

"Oooh...  The water's cold today."

Proud member of the Canadian Broadcorping Castration

You Let Your Pants... (3.00 / 5) (#35)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:08:53 AM EST

...Touch the floor of a men's restroom? Good God!

Unclean, unclean!


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Exercise for the immune system (none / 1) (#69)
by Verbophobe on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:12:43 PM EST

Gotta keep those gonorrhea antibodies in top shape.

Proud member of the Canadian Broadcorping Castration
[ Parent ]
Happened to me too... (3.00 / 7) (#8)
by lucifer666 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:55:19 AM EST

You're not alone, I aquired this nasty little psycosis around the age of 18. Being loaded up on speed makes it hard to pee to start with. Someone walked in. After that, I could not pee with people within hearing distance for quite some time.

Now at the age of 25, with a much lower speed intake, fortunatly, it seems to have abated somewhat. I found that taking a seat and just waiting, counting the dimples in the paint or reading toilet literature helped pass the time worked well. But my mission was to release the pain, by hook or by crook, and be dammed anyone else waiting.

You can actually squeeze it out with the same muscles you use to do a poo - flex them forward towards your front for 30 seconds and it starts to flow. But that *really* hurts and should only be used in a true bladders-about-to-burst moment. I'd love it for someone to explain what exactly the internal process is there.

It really is the weirdest thing when you're standing in the toilet at a nightclub, your tummy really hurts with the "I need to pee" pain, you stand there looking at your dick and nothing happens. Not only is it embarassing, it's confusing as well.

Thanks for posting your article. I found your experiences interesting and valuable. If it happens again to me, I'm gonna give that counting trick a go.

Kidney Knives (none / 2) (#34)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:07:32 AM EST

I get the kidney knives if I push too much -- the feeling that my insides of covered in sharp metal spikes.

I've heard that you can hurt yourself by exerting too much in this direction, but that could one of those folk-wisdom/actually-stupid memes that just catches on.

I can see how speed would interfere -- it's the anti-relaxation drug. What you need is some good down home honest heroin. You won't be able to shit, but at least you'll be relaxed enough to make water.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
I had this early on too (3.00 / 12) (#55)
by phred on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:54:16 AM EST

couldn't pee in company. I dunno, I chalked it up to general inhibition, and I never wanted to grow up into an introverted guy afraid of life, yet this was just one more symptom. I wanted to be, even before I was 10, the z personality type, the risk taking adventurer that everybody looked up to, yet here I was, afraid to pee in public. Being the engineering type even at this young age, I tried to deduce what could possibly cure this. So I tried sneaking up on my brother and whizzed on him.

Well sure I got the shit beat out of me, but what the heck, in some wierd way it turned me into a domineering pisser, whenever I was in front of a urinal from then on, and somebody stepped up, my new mental philosophy was "yeah buddy, I know you're there, you'd better feel lucky I don't pan right." Psychology is a funny thing.

[ Parent ]

You Are An Inspiration To Us All (none / 3) (#87)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:51:46 PM EST

Why, I think I'm going to find someone to piss on right now!

___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
That would cure it. (none / 2) (#94)
by Fon2d2 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:17:56 PM EST

I'm almost certain.

[ Parent ]
Speed (none / 2) (#143)
by spiralx on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:40:33 AM EST

I never really had this problem while I was caning speed everyday... or maybe I just didn't notice it. Ecstacy tends to make me unable to pee though, and acid can if I'm fucked enough. I've learnt to realise that sometimes it just ain't gonna happen, and that standing at the urinal for half an hour is just a waste of my night out ;)

You're doomed, I'm doomed, we're all doomed for ice cream. - Bob Aboey
[ Parent ]

Surely you lie. (2.68 / 25) (#9)
by Kasreyn on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 04:00:36 AM EST

Men don't talk in public restrooms. Don't you know the Laws of the Mens Room?

1. Thou shalt not speak, for other men are engaged in communing with the most important thing in their lives.
2. Thou shalt not pull thy wang too far from thy pants, to avoid other mens' gaze.
3. Thou shalt wetten every inch of the urinal cookie.
4. Thou shalt get 10 bonus points if thou gettest the cigarette.
5. Thou shalt not flush.
6. Thou shalt not wash, excepting beforehand to prepare the hands for contact with the Holy of Holies.
7. Lastly and most importantly, Thou shalt not look upon the wang of thy neighbor, lest ye be beaten.


-Kasreyn

P.S. This was a joke. If you don't have a sense of humor, please go fuck a pringles can full of broken glass right after giving me a zero.

P.P.S. WTF is with the washing BEFORE but not AFTER shit? You're not going to hurt your cock by touching its skin with your fingers, you nimrods; you ARE going to leave your cock-oil on the door handle on the way out. I HATE YOU ALL.


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
Snort (3.00 / 5) (#13)
by hulver on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:09:52 AM EST

cock-oil.

--
HuSi!
[ Parent ]
Hey! (none / 2) (#26)
by wiredog on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:52:32 AM EST

Aren't you supposed to be hacking spel-chec or something at some higher quality site on the other side of the Atlantic?

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
what can I say? I'm just that good ^_^ (hi guys) (none / 0) (#134)
by Kasreyn on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:12:22 AM EST

nt
"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
I Remembering Reading... (none / 3) (#33)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:04:18 AM EST

...That those little bowls of complimentary mints they have at restaurants are a great source of urine.

Apparently, most people tend to pick up the mints with their grubby little fingers right before leaving -- and for most people, this is also right after they've peed. And failed to wash.

So, if you like the taste of other people's piss, by all means eat an unwrapped mint from a restaurant's courtesy bowl.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
What snopes has to say. (none / 2) (#40)
by nlscb on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:30:38 AM EST

I remember that story too. Here is snopes.com's take on it. I noticed that after that most restaurants I went to started having prewrapped breath mints.

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange
[ Parent ]

No joke, (2.40 / 5) (#38)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:23:02 AM EST

lookie here.

Men have been killed over smaller matters than this!

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
Excellent Link. (none / 0) (#39)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:29:40 AM EST

Wish I'd seen it in time to include it in my farticle. Oh well.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
great link! (none / 1) (#52)
by phred on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:48:16 AM EST

sorry for the 1.

[ Parent ]
zero that is (nt) (none / 1) (#93)
by phred on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:11:55 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Gentlemen don't wash their hands after urinating (2.37 / 8) (#44)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:44:28 AM EST

because gentlemen don't urinate on their hands.

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
It's All About the Micro-Particles (none / 0) (#70)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:17:07 PM EST

I'm not OC or anything, but one does have to take into account the invisible fine mist of urine particles that engulf your peeing area in a cloud -- especially when you consider the splash-back involved in using a urinal.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Being paranoid about germs (none / 1) (#74)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:48:18 PM EST

only makes your immune system weaker. Even worse than feeding antibiotics to cattle as a matter of course and treating all diseases with the same is anti-bacterial products.

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
Urine isn't septic. (none / 3) (#90)
by bunsen on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:05:23 PM EST

A fluid as alkaline as urine is an extremely hostile environment for most bacteria. The concern isn't pathological, but more one of principle - I don't want your piss on my hand after I open the door to leave.

---
Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
[ Parent ]
Damn Straight. [nt] (none / 0) (#99)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:40:53 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
You've got it backwards.. (none / 0) (#126)
by jargonCCNA on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:14:49 PM EST

Urine is acidic. Semen is alkaline.
--
Website Developer. Network Technician. Software Designer. Freelance Geek.

"Is it dead?" "I can't believe that just fuckin' happened! Oh my God!" - Rocco and Murph, The Boondock Saints
[ Parent ]
Come Now (none / 2) (#127)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:50:28 PM EST

Need we quibble over which end of the ph scale we're on? We all agree that we're friends, that urine isn't septic, and that happiness is a warm gun.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Where is that from? (none / 0) (#138)
by Kasreyn on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 05:00:39 AM EST

the warm gun line. Seen it before.


-Kasreyn


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
Beatles. (none / 0) (#141)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 06:28:48 AM EST

Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Stop trolling. (none / 1) (#155)
by gzt on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 11:10:20 AM EST

White Album.

[ Parent ]
I suppose gentlemen (none / 0) (#133)
by Kasreyn on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:11:06 AM EST

Also don't sweat from their genital region like the rest of masculinity does?

It's not about urine, it's about touching a door handle that was most recently smeared with penis sweat by another man.

And besides, dicks are constantly pressed against the insides of underwear, where they smear anything that seeps out (urine and semen). This is then transferred to the shaft and thence to the fingers while urinating. And then to the door handle and then to MY hands and MY dick.

If a "gentleman" doesn't wash his hands after peeing, then I assume he associates the sort of gentleman's "club" where men rub their penises against each other while dancing. :P


-Kasreyn


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
Gentlement aren't (none / 1) (#146)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 08:15:34 AM EST

homophobes or mysophobiacs, either.

To be objective, you people have somewhat rational reasoning behind this. If fear of germs is not an issue for you like you claim, you have even less to worry about.

Why? Because the sperm and piss from my man muscle you pick from door handles DOESN'T DO YOU ANY HARM. If you're afraid of eating chicken wings with my dick cheese as a condiment, you're a wuss. Or one of the above phobiacs, which makes you double-wuss. And gentlemen aren't wusses.

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
Man, if only I had the balls to sig this... (none / 1) (#195)
by Russell Dovey on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 11:18:38 AM EST

If you're afraid of eating chicken wings with my dick cheese as a condiment, you're a wuss.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

I dare you! (nt) (none / 0) (#199)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Sat Jul 03, 2004 at 04:20:10 PM EST


--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
i've got balls (none / 0) (#207)
by relief on Tue Jul 27, 2004 at 11:07:07 AM EST



----------------------------
If you're afraid of eating chicken wings with my dick cheese as a condiment, you're a wuss.
[ Parent ]
question... (none / 3) (#11)
by the77x42 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 04:40:10 AM EST

... you say 9 out of 10 paruretics are male... i thought all women piss in the stall.


"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

A NZ inventor made a hose for that (nt) (none / 2) (#14)
by jeremyn on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:41:57 AM EST



[ Parent ]
It's Not About the Stall (none / 3) (#32)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:01:48 AM EST

... you say 9 out of 10 paruretics are male... i thought all women piss in the stall.

Right. And paruretic women sit in the stall and can't make water to save their lives.

It isn't the stall that makes one paruretic -- it's having trouble peeing when people are around.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
note to all you stall peers... (2.10 / 10) (#12)
by the77x42 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 04:42:51 AM EST

... i think the common consensus is that you are in there because you are afraid someone will see your tiny wang.


"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

I'll pee just about anywhere (none / 3) (#16)
by epepke on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:55:23 AM EST

Stall peeing, however, makes a much more satisfying noise. I usually avoid it to avoid wasting fresh water, though.


The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.--Terry Pratchett


[ Parent ]
Oh, Come On! (2.77 / 9) (#31)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:00:14 AM EST

How can you feel like a proper Westerner without pissing into potable water? Such acts reaffirm our God-given right to wipe our asses with the planet.

Shame on you for not doing your part.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
I approve (none / 2) (#48)
by SanSeveroPrince on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:50:26 AM EST

I approve of your feelings, though I detect a lack of conviction in your assertion. Could you be a liberal commie masquerading as a decent male?

----

Life is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy to those who think


[ Parent ]
Water cooler, here I come! (none / 0) (#182)
by dn on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:02:42 PM EST


    I ♥
TOXIC
WASTE

[ Parent ]

My Tiny Wang (none / 2) (#30)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:58:05 AM EST

So...you're saying my All CheeseburgerBrown - All Porno website idea might not take off, eh?

Shit.

Are there any, like, special exercises I can do or something? You know -- to improve the situation?


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
CHEESEBURGER BROWN CHECK YOUR EMAIL (none / 0) (#53)
by komet on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:53:41 AM EST


YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
[ Parent ]

Thanks. (none / 1) (#57)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:15:01 AM EST

Good thing I did, too. Otherwise I would've missed that governement grant thingy that came in.

...Nothing about penis enlargement, unfortunately.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Please do tell us... (none / 0) (#202)
by JyZude on Mon Jul 05, 2004 at 02:30:52 PM EST

on the other site about how the government is giving you money.

-----
k5 is not the new Adequacy k thnx bye


[ Parent ]
comment rating: 3 (and why) (none / 2) (#54)
by zenofchai on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:53:49 AM EST

Not because I agree with the consensus, but because your statement as read is 100% true: that is without a doubt the common consensus.

At my university football stadium, there wasn't even individual urinals let alone privacy walls, it's a massive communal aluminum trough we all line up to pee in -- or should I say line around, all sides of the trough. That will do one of two things: (1) rid you of the disorder or (2) make you pee yourself. Or just get drunk enough not to care, either way ;]
--
The K5 Interactive Political Compass SVG Graph
[ Parent ]

That sounds like a latent homosexual trait (none / 3) (#61)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:48:07 AM EST

red blooded American heterosexual men have no interest in looking at other men's wangs, and are quite capable of discoursing on politics, the game, the concert, or the table next to them full of buxom sorority women while emptying their bladders with their penis in their hand.

If you continue to worry about men looking at your wang, I would suggest therapy or counseling with your parish priest.

[ Parent ]

My girlfriend said it was average-sized! (none / 1) (#196)
by Russell Dovey on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 11:46:44 AM EST

Average-sized, damnit!

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

NO P in the Q (2.50 / 4) (#15)
by Milo Minderbender on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:54:10 AM EST

they should R-ST U VW-driving X-raY Zealots!

--------------------
This comment is for the good of the syndicate.
Sigh... (none / 2) (#95)
by Milo Minderbender on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:26:52 PM EST

I can't believe my above comment doesn't have a [3.00 / 10] rating by now. My wit is just not appreciated! Granted, I did take it a little too far with the x-ray zealots, but c'mon!

The title of this article should have had more of a play on the word "peer", like maybe:

A Jury of One's Peers

Or better yet:

Peer Pressure

--------------------
This comment is for the good of the syndicate.
[ Parent ]
Peeing was never a problem (2.83 / 6) (#18)
by werner on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:16:33 AM EST

but being on the phone for very long invariably makes me want to shit.

I'm convinced that this is cos, as a kid, I knew my father would be along 5 minutes into any phone conversation demanding to know why I didn't get on my bike and go see my mates or complaining that someone might be trying to get hold of us (no-one EVER rang). Just being on the phone made me uncomfortable and tense. After a few minutes of this, the turtle head came.

He would never let me pay for any phone calls I made but would invariably complain about the cost.

More than 10 years after leaving home, I can telephone for 20 minutes at times without needing to shit, but much longer than that and I gotta go.

Still, it does keep my phone bills down. Thanks for giving me a money-saving neurosis, dad!

Novel Anti-Constipation Remedy (none / 3) (#28)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:55:56 AM EST

Your father makes you think of your ass and punishment. You are a brave man for tossing this out there for the trolls to play with.

...Still, I guess it beats prunes.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
err... (none / 0) (#180)
by werner on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:47:22 PM EST

no he doesn't. Wouldn't like to see you take a Rorschach test...

[ Parent ]
I think a friend of mine has this problem (2.80 / 5) (#49)
by tetsuwan on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:05:00 AM EST

He ends every other phone conversation with "sorry, I have to go have a shit"

Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance
[ Parent ]

err, is that you adam? [nt] (none / 0) (#179)
by werner on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:46:07 PM EST



[ Parent ]
this is my silent mantra at the public urinal (2.66 / 12) (#20)
by circletimessquare on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 07:46:41 AM EST

i have this pee stage fright problem very rarely, but when i do, i resort to the definitive answer:

i try to imagine, with as much detail as possible, what it was like to be on the titanic at the time of it's sinking... the mortal horror and the iciness of the water usually leaves me peeing before i even realize it


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

No Interference From a DiCaprio Woody? (2.33 / 6) (#27)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:53:56 AM EST

He's doesn't do anything for me, personally -- I was just askin', is all.

Nautical disasters as inspiration, eh? I'll have to try that.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
careful now (2.63 / 11) (#41)
by circletimessquare on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:32:30 AM EST

this is kuro5hin after all, somewhere about 2 grades below 8th grade, where witty reparte went something like this:

"you're a faggot"

"no you're a faggot"

"gaylord"

"no you're a gayboy"

"i called you gayLORD, not gayboy"

"you should know"

"know what?"

"what it's like to be a fag!"

etc...


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

True, But (2.33 / 6) (#42)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:42:15 AM EST

I have little fear that my heterosexuality will collapse until such heart-crushing ribbing, for, like my famous yang, my sexual orientation is mighty like a river and tough like a dyke.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
tough like a dyke (?) lol (nt) (2.00 / 4) (#46)
by circletimessquare on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:45:04 AM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
Come on... (none / 3) (#47)
by SanSeveroPrince on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:47:21 AM EST

give us some credit. It's not our fault if he's a little girly. Besides, he can always beat us up with his handbag :)

----

Life is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy to those who think


[ Parent ]
My solution is beer (2.84 / 13) (#23)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:50:37 AM EST

I've never really had a problem urinating in public. But then I enjoy heading to the large public bathrooms in fraternities and bars and alleys to void my bladder of several quarts of cheap lager in the wholesome company of other men. A few hearty "how are you doing," and "aww, feels great" reaffirm my sense of brotherhood.

I imagine that if Kerry gets elected, bathrooms will no longer be sexually segregated. I wonder if I will still be able to fill beer bottles in the trough when some feminazi stands next to me to assert her unGodly rights.

good question (2.60 / 5) (#110)
by horny smurf on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:11:16 PM EST

A few years ago at a frat party, the bathroom situation sucked. They had one bathroom with a sink, urinal, and toilet, no dividing wall or anything. The line was long so they were sending in people 2 (or 3... i liked pissing sinks ;) at a time. My friend went in followed by a girl. He immediately sat on the toilet to take a piss and made her fumble around and piss all over her pants on the urinal.

[ Parent ]
Your friend is no gentleman (none / 0) (#147)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 08:40:22 AM EST

If he was not able to clear the bathroom for the charming lady, the least he could have done was let her have the toilet, and stand with his back to her to give her privacy.

I bet he did not have further luck with the lass.

[ Parent ]

But you have to admit... (none / 0) (#149)
by CodeWright on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 09:56:57 AM EST

...it is funny.

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
No, we don't have to agree (none / 0) (#162)
by 5150 on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 12:41:31 PM EST

I find no humor in it. Quite frankly, if I had been in the same situation, I would have simply watched him and when he had finished I would have used the toilet.

[ Parent ]
Yes, we do. (none / 1) (#174)
by CodeWright on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:36:44 PM EST

I insist.

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
Sir, I salute you (2.61 / 13) (#43)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:42:31 AM EST

You have the courage of a thousand lions to bring this neglected scourge on maleness into the eyes of the public. Paruresis is something many a male suffers in ashamed silence, causing undue heartache, high blood pressure and crossing of legs. And drips.

Some would say there are more important matters in life than paruresis (like which socks to wear), but shoo!, since this is a scourge on men that has to be eradicated from the face of the earth, for it will devour us all in its horrendous jaws unless we immolate its very soul!

Hail thee who have the courage to face this nemesis without fear, every day, while onlookers mock you, try to strike you down with their cocked heads and eyes full of contempt. It is who you have the fire in your heart and the burning desire to bring this to a glorious end. And once victory is ours, it will be known to all men across the land and our names will be chanted with the reverence worthy of a god! HAIL, HAIL, HAIL!

As a bigger man than I am said: "We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end. ... We shall fight at the urinals ... we shall fight in the stalls and in the streets ... we shall never surrender!"

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


Crude (2.42 / 7) (#45)
by SanSeveroPrince on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 09:44:35 AM EST

Don't mean to be crude here, but I have found that when I really need to pee, psychology just kind of steps aside and breaks out the umbrella.

This is one of those cases where I have to agree with the repressive, psychologically unaware educators of old: if you can't pee, it's because you  really don't have to go that bad.

----

Life is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy to those who think


A Pee Story (2.80 / 15) (#56)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:06:02 AM EST

One day CheeseburgerBrown and his teammate Cadet Freckles were racing dinghies on Lake Ontario near Ashbridge's Bay. We were racing all day. We kept our lunch and a couple of cigarettes inside a small, water-tight sack stowed inside one of the buoyancy tanks.

The usual custom for peeing in such situations for one of us to jump in the water between races, while the other one steered. Then, dragging behind the boat, one could pee in their wetsuit and then use the moving water to flush it out. That's what everybody did.

Cadet Freckles was aware of my peeing issue. It always took me a long time to finish my business, and she would quip sometimes. "Are you done yet? Jesus Christ, they're gonna blow the whistle!"

But on this day the wind was savage. There wasn't enough time for me to pee before Cadet Freckles had to turn the boat around, which couldn't be done single-handedly with such gusts. So, I missed a few opportunities to pee.

All things between equal we could've just stopped the boat between races, but a storm was moving in and the race committee decided to try to fit in all of the day's races by overlapping the starts and then time-correcting everyone's results after the fact.

This meant one thing: no stopping.

So we raced on. Cadet Freckles and I were both on trapeze harnesses, standing on the side of the boat and lying parallel to the water in an attempt to keep it flat. We bounced over waves and careened from side to side. Several times I was sure my bladder was going to messily explode. Several times I was "certain" I near a point of crisis.

Hours passed. The storm blew in and the flags went up. We started back home.

I hardly thought about the pee issue, when I was still.

Before we got there the storm caught up to us and our sqadron of mates. The tiller of my fair ship Raskolnikov snapped, leaving us without a way to control the rudder. Cadet Freckles and I were obliged to steer by means of the sails alone, scurrying and crouching and tugging. Our coach zipped around us in his Boston Whaler, helping out those in worse straits.

When we got back to the club Cadet Freckles and I carried our boat to shore. We took down the sails and rigging and -- in our coach's ever eloquent words -- "uncleated the shit from the shit and stowed the shit."

Cadet Freckles lights up a cigarette, furrows her brow and asks, "Hey, didn't you have to go pee or something?"

Holy shit!

My bladder woke up. I scampered to the washroom. For a moment I could not go.

I counted.

And then I unleashed so much pee that I had to flush the toilet before I could continue. It seemed to me that there was more liquid than could conceivably have fit inside my abdomen. I marvelled as the stream sang on, minute after minute.

It was a religious experience.

The end.

___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Holding can cause medical problems (none / 2) (#81)
by 5150 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:26:57 PM EST

Holding urine for extended periods of time (haven't heard a firm definition of extended, but as I understand it - if you have even the slightest urge to go and don't, you are into an extended period) can lead to distention of the bladder as well as urinary tract infections.

[ Parent ]
The Day the Pee Stopped (2.85 / 7) (#50)
by godix on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:28:47 AM EST

Is it just me or is anyone else mentally picturing a bad sci-fi 50's B movie when they read this header? Thanks a lot cheeseburgerbrown, I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to imagine what the monster looks like. Although the scene where the woman screams in horror or the town cop gets killed by the giant pee-stopping monster would be rather amusing...

They are possibly the dumbest people on the planet...
- Michael Moore describing Americans, wonder why people thinks he hates America?
That, Or (2.33 / 6) (#51)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:42:05 AM EST

Or the title for a sequence from one of those trashy newspoilation "current affairs" shows, maybe. Cue overdone CG of reflective words slamming together, then transition to grainy footage of young CheeseburgerBrown.

Low, edgy Voice Over: "He thought he was relieving himself, but for one young boy relief would never be further away. This is his story. A story of a struggle, against his own body. The Day. The Pee. Stopped."

Sound effects: a gravel striking. Freeze frame.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
That, or... (none / 1) (#114)
by kpaul on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:02:14 PM EST

the next USian decadent reality tv show?

;)


2014 Halloween Costumes
[ Parent ]

Two words... (none / 0) (#128)
by ktakki on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:04:30 PM EST

Giant candiru.


k.
--
"In spite of everything, I still believe that people
are really good at heart." - Anne Frank

[ Parent ]

Lack of beer (none / 1) (#137)
by hummassa on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 04:07:27 AM EST

At the tender age of 17, I mastered the art of peeing in the streets at five o'clock in the morning while heading towards the nearest bus station without stopping to do it, just peeing and walking at the same time.

[ Parent ]
Drug Testing (none / 3) (#59)
by oat5tout on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:31:27 AM EST

I'm eagerly waiting to hear from some pee-shy military guys on how they did their drug tests with a fellow soldier watching over their shoulder ensuring no "funny business" was going on. Any takers?

Free Rush! -speek

I don't know about the military... (3.00 / 6) (#60)
by Gargan on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:44:46 AM EST

But I had the same situation with my probation officer. It's actually a pretty plausible reason to ask them to make an exception (whether or not you take advantage of that is up to you of course :) but I actually had surprisingly little problem with it. It's a good exercise in trying to cure yourself of this disorder. I've been a sufferer for years, though I can't really remember when it started.

[ Parent ]
IPA Touches On It (2.50 / 6) (#63)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:23:41 PM EST

This IPA site referened in my write-up mentions this only briefly, but I do recall browsing a few workplace "horror" stories while I was initially Googling the topic a few weeks ago.

I can imagine drug testing officials being highly sceptical. Apparently, a few people have actually lost their jobs over it. Talk about double the embarrassment, eh? "Honey, I was fired today."

"Oh no, how come?"

"Er..."

___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Link (none / 3) (#65)
by oat5tout on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:31:48 PM EST

One soldier's story.

Free Rush! -speek
[
Parent ]

Not mil, but here's one story (3.00 / 7) (#83)
by ebonkyre on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:42:46 PM EST

http://www.testclear.com/urine/dave.htm

Pretty funny.

The truth hurts sometimes... Nothing beats a nice fat cock. ShiftyStoner
[ Parent ]

Military whiz quizzes (none / 2) (#129)
by chupe on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 10:07:42 PM EST

Being ex-navy, I can tell you exactly how they deal with you. You drink water until you can't not go. And I never saw it happen (though I've seen the observers wait literally hours for particularly piss-shy guys), but they say that, eventually, if you still can't/won't, they take you down to Medical and have it drawn. Directly from your bladder. With a needle through your abdomen. (I'm picturing thousands of K5 readers' nuts retracting into their bladders... now.)

The military is actually a very good place to get over piss-shyness. I used to have problems with it, but I guess if you've been forced to piss (standing sideways to the urinal, even) with an old dude staring at your dick enough times, it just gets old. Movie theater bathrooms pale in comparison.

There's a world going on underground. --Tom Waits
[ Parent ]
Thanks for sharing (none / 0) (#158)
by oat5tout on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 11:58:10 AM EST

Now to go see about having my nuts extracted...

Free Rush! -speek
[
Parent ]

Never been a problem for me (none / 3) (#62)
by curien on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:20:04 PM EST

I can pee under just about any circumstances. My girlfriend is a little more shy than I am in this regard -- but I've managed to help her get over it.

Sometimes, I sit on her lap while she pees. I can't imagine being in an intimate relationship with someone and not being comfortable enough to do things like that.

--
All God's critters got a place in the choir
Some sing low, some sing higher

Well, There's Intimacy And Then There's... (2.62 / 8) (#64)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:26:11 PM EST

Sometimes, I sit on her lap while she pees. I can't imagine being in an intimate relationship with someone and not being comfortable enough to do things like that.

I see your point, we for most of us (even non-neurotic individuals) the line is drawn somewhere. I mean, if your girlfriend was having explosive diarrhea on a camping trip, she probably wouldn't appreciate you squatting beside her in the bushes watches her cornhole puke.

...Not to be indelicate, or anything.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Your New Found Fame (none / 1) (#66)
by Bum Bum on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:34:37 PM EST

Just to prove that I am not jealous of you, I am voting +1 FP.

Soon, soon, people, the Miso word-hoard will be unleashed.

An addendum: (none / 1) (#67)
by Bum Bum on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:36:58 PM EST

I should also point out that you are the only K5 celebrity who doesn't have to write sci-fi to be considered interesting.

[ Parent ]
I Crave Miso - Need a Hit (none / 1) (#68)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 12:48:55 PM EST

I can't believe I haven't collected my Miso notes for you yet. I'm such an ass bastard.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
You can't rush talent (none / 0) (#75)
by Bum Bum on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:49:38 PM EST

One has to let things brew to reach perfection, right?

[ Parent ]
Worse... (2.53 / 15) (#72)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:32:03 PM EST

Being a paruretic *and* a golden shower fetishist. The sexual dysfunction drives most to an early suicide.

--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
movies (none / 3) (#73)
by coderlemming on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:45:46 PM EST

This doesn't really ever happen to me... except when I'm at a movie theater.

I guess maybe it's a combination of the tension of the film plot and the weird positions I get into to try to ease my cramping muscles, but I often spend a minute or two in the bathroom unable to pee before I painfully squeeze it out of myself.  It can be kind of embarassing to feel the gaze of everyone in line, waiting for you to finish, while you're producing absolutely nothing.

Kudos to you for writing this article.  That takes some serious openness to share.


--
Go be impersonally used as an organic semen collector!  (porkchop_d_clown)

Funny you mention the cinema<nt> (none / 0) (#76)
by GenerationY on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:51:44 PM EST



[ Parent ]
I Am Shameless, Apparently. (none / 2) (#92)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:10:52 PM EST

Somehow I've ended up posting an article about my most embarrassing problem.

I'm not quite sure how that happened. I don't remember smoking any crack.

Ah, me.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
I Have This Problem Too... (2.60 / 5) (#77)
by Juppon Gatana on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 01:57:12 PM EST

I don't have it nearly as bad as you do, but sometimes it acts up and it takes me fifteen seconds or even a minute to start peeing. I have no idea how it started, but I find that telling my body to relax (ordering myself to calm down) is usually a pretty solid way to let the juices flow. I also find that as soon as I start peeing I am totally fine; the only problem is getting there. I've told a few of my friends about it, and now I have much less trouble peeing in a public bathroom with them, since I don't have to worry about embarrassing myself by not being able to piss quickly enough.

A few days ago I was seeing a movie with a friend and we both had to use the bathroom before going into the theater. He said to me, "If I go in the stall will it help you pee?" As I stood in front of the urinal my response was "I really don't kn--oh, I guess so."

- Juppon Gatana
能ある鷹は爪を隠す。
(Nou aru taka wa tsume wo kakusu.)
AOL. (none / 2) (#85)
by gidds on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:49:55 PM EST

Me too. Once I'm going, I'm usually okay (though I have dried up on a couple of particularly stressful occasions). The trouble is starting. And the worst of it is that it's only an intermittent problem: sometimes I have no trouble at all, but sometimes I can't go no matter how long I wait. And I never know until I try...

Theatre bars are the worst IMO -- often small, cramped, and with a huge line of guys needing to use it in the limited interval time.

It's interesting that the story mentions a traumatic event that started his problems. I can't recall any particular events, or even a moment when it started -- I've been uncomfortable around public urinals for as long as I can remember.

Still, it's really good to know that it's not just me!

Andy/
[ Parent ]

Events, Connections and Intermissions (none / 1) (#91)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:05:51 PM EST

It's interesting that the story mentions a traumatic event that started his problems. I can't recall any particular events, or even a moment when it started...

I hadn't really made the connection, really, until I read about paruresis on the web and saw a number of sites quoting the same stats about paruretic onset in early puberty, often following an upsetting event. So I thought, "When was the last time I was comfortable using urinals?"

And it came to me. "Oh yeah -- that memory."

Other elements of the typical profile fit me, so I figured I officially had a theme to hang my anecdote on and therefore wrote this up.

By the bye: theatre bars are definitely the worst, for exactly the reasons you mention. I dread intermissions.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
my bathroom rules (2.60 / 5) (#79)
by the77x42 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:14:14 PM EST

  1. never shit in a public place. ever.
  2. if you break rule #1, at least flush once for the bulk and twice for the remainder
  3. only use the stall if the urinals are full
  4. never touch any part of any porcelain with your skin
  5. stand close to the urinal so no one else can sneak a peak, but not so close that you either a) splash yourself with your own piss or b) touch the porcelain wall with your tip
  6. look straight ahead at all times
  7. use only one hand so you only have to wash that one hand
  8. get in and out as fast as possible so no one on the 'outside' thinks you are taking a shit



"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

What Do You Do When You're Travelling? (none / 3) (#89)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:00:21 PM EST

Are you therefore barred from ever visiting a place like India? I mean, there's the shitindignities of Western public space, and then there's the shitindignities of Third World "private" space.

Could you deal with it, or would you just opt out of the trip?

Also: if you're travelling in the West, is your hotel room toilet the only one you'll use? What happens if you're sharing a hotel room?

Corollary: what about the private toilets of other people? What category do they do in to?


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
When I was a Boy Scout (none / 3) (#118)
by dickles on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 07:03:42 PM EST

My body developed this wonderful ability to induce constipation.  There were several camping trips (as long as 10 days) where the issue of shitting in a latrine just didn't come up for me.  Which is good, because I don't shit well around others.  I get it with piss too, but it's worse with shit.

I never experienced any pain or other ill effects from my automatic constipation...I never even felt like I needed to shit.  When I got home I'd take this ungodly huge, dense dump within hours of walking in the door.

[ Parent ]

Happened to me... (none / 0) (#136)
by exppii on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 03:01:47 AM EST

on a backpacking trip. I suspect it might have had to do with the freeze-dried food that we ate as much as anything.

[ Parent ]
Food (none / 0) (#144)
by dickles on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:55:46 AM EST

One of the times I got the auto-constipation was at a summer camp with some truly awful food served up in the mess hall.  Between that and the gallon or two of lake water I probably swallowed, I should've been spending quite a bit of time in the (no stalls, nasty seats, unreliable flushing, what's toilet paper?) bathroom.

[ Parent ]
Not quite... (2.60 / 5) (#96)
by fluxrad on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:28:31 PM EST

look straight ahead at all times

Actually, the rule is: You must obey the T-Zone. You can look up and down and left and right, but never both at the same time.

Also, like my dad says: If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

------------------
Your dear uncle flux
[ Parent ]
when I read (1.78 / 14) (#80)
by bankind on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:21:16 PM EST

about you sad little punks weird little mental disorders, I once again have to think that all you fancy pants should do some manual labor, go kill some iraqis, plant some rice, or something. <p< Back when I was in the Corps, we shat in a long row of 30 strong men, with no partitions between us, and fights to not have to take the crapper next to the sargent major. <p> there was some kid in boot that had some dick problem like yours, and couldn't keep in step when we marched. He even pissed himself once or twice. Eventually, we faked his death in the bayonet course.

"Insurgents are blowing up pipelines and police stations, geysers of sewage are erupting from the streets, and the electricity is off most of the time -- but we've given Iraq the gift of supply-side economics." -Krugman

Great story (1.66 / 6) (#82)
by mikepence on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:32:42 PM EST

Even better than an interview with Chuck Pee-lahniuk.

A friend once witnessed (none / 3) (#84)
by GenerationY on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:49:18 PM EST

this happening to someone else. I guess being afflicted by this condition all the time is no laughing matter, but anyway.

Basically Friend A (witness) and Friend B (victim) were attending an academic conference. A was slightly nervous because he was timetabled to give a talk dissing the research of Professor X, who was known for not giving up without a fight. Following a particularly dull talk they sneaked out early and both decided to go to the toilet before the post-talk rush.

As they entered the toilet, there were three urinals, the first of which was being used by an elderly gentleman. B took up position next to this chap, A next to B.

"Hello" says elderly gent to B "I believe we met at XXXX conference"
"Really," says B, "I don't know if I recall..."
"Yes, I'm Professor X" answers the gent.

Friend A recounts that B stopped absolutely dead in mid-flow, which B sheepishly confirms. Apparently there was no discomfort, although the phenomenon itself was somewhat shocking. However, there is some debate of whether there was an audible sound that accompanied this.

Professor X (perhaps at his age no stranger to urinary issues nor the power of his wide-ranging reputation) apparently stifled a grin and went to wash his hands.

Bleh. *B* was giving the talk.<nt> (none / 1) (#86)
by GenerationY on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:50:12 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Question About Professor X: (none / 1) (#88)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 02:56:51 PM EST

Did he have some sort of catheter set up to help him reach the urinal, or has the comics always left out the fact that Professor X has a preternaturally long member?

Also: I'm sure Professor X got to laugh about it later. His findings may have been dissed, but he knew how intimidated B was by the prospect.

I guess if you want the measure of a man, the penis never lies.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Mmm possibly (none / 3) (#103)
by GenerationY on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:45:48 PM EST

they didn't recount that bit of gory detail. Perhaps it was a psychic power Professor X has? No wonder Magneto often looks pained...

I guess if you want the measure of a man, the penis never lies.

...quote of the year I think.

[ Parent ]

Attn: Lamont (none / 1) (#173)
by GenerationY on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 06:08:28 PM EST

wtf?

[ Parent ]
Man, (none / 2) (#98)
by Fon2d2 on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:39:52 PM EST

that kid messed up up bad in the 4th Grade.

Meta-paruresis (2.60 / 5) (#100)
by coljac on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:44:03 PM EST

For me, this doesn't happen when I'm afraid of being observed, it only happens when I'm afraid of being observed having a paruretic episode. In other words, I can pee comfortably at a urinal even when someone is talking to me, as long as I avoid the thought that I might become pee-shy. If I do sieze on the thought that I am about to become embarassingly unable to pee, it becomes true. So, I have to concentrate and play a few mind games with myself. Fortunately, the less trouble I have, the less likely I am to think about it, but one episode can set me back a ways.

I was unable to pee for the Army once, but that was from lack of water. I don't pee all that often. My proudest moment was making it from LA to Melbourne - a 15 hour flight - without using the restroom. (My life has gone downhill from there, as you can tell because I am here posting this).



---
Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey

I Can Yoda Can Piss Anywhere, Anytime (none / 1) (#102)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:45:46 PM EST

It's all about the Zen, baby.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
s/Can/Bet Can [nt] (none / 1) (#104)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:46:14 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
s/Bet Can/Bet Yoda Can [nt] (none / 1) (#105)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:46:35 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
B'd B'd B'd That's all folks! [nt] (none / 1) (#106)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:47:42 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
I Bet Yoda Can Yoda Bet Yoda Can Piss Any...? (none / 3) (#112)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:48:22 PM EST




[ Parent ]
But can the Yoda doll that's up my ass do so? [nt] (none / 2) (#116)
by Sarojin on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:16:51 PM EST



[ Parent ]
If there was ever any doubt (2.00 / 5) (#101)
by enthalpyX on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 03:45:09 PM EST

that kuro5hin was a male dominated site, let those doubts be now flushed down the pisser.

so what? (none / 0) (#197)
by Stoutlimb on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 02:46:55 PM EST

you make it sound like a bad thing

[ Parent ]
Just an observation. (none / 0) (#200)
by enthalpyX on Sat Jul 03, 2004 at 11:14:05 PM EST

Not meant to be good or bad. Maybe humorous.

[ Parent ]
Check out paruresis.org (2.80 / 5) (#107)
by IPA on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 04:19:25 PM EST

As someone who belongs to IPA, I'm gratified to find such a well-written article on this topic. Please visit our web site to find out more about what we're doing to help people recover.

One of the major areas not addressed here is pre-employment and random urine drug testing in the workplace and schools. IPA is working to change government regulations to allow alternative methods of drug testing (saliva, hair, or sweat). We are currently pursuing litigation to protect employee rights for people who have lost their jobs because they've been unable to provide a urine sample.

We can't do these things without your help, so please consider joining our organization if you can. We offer workshops and free support groups for recovery all over the US and in many foreign countries as well.

Thanks.

International Paruresis Association http://www.paruresis.org
Wow, WOW, W-O-W! (1.00 / 5) (#148)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 08:43:27 AM EST

I thought this whole convo was a big troll conspiracy in which I happily participated, kinda like adequacy.org. I guess this is for real.

You Americans never cease to amaze me. (And I'm sure there are other nationalities represented in this group hug convo of ours.) Do you really think this paruresis is a BIG FUCKING DEAL? I guess you do since you invented a word for it. Don't you people have more pressing issues to deal with than the grave embarrassment of not being able to pee promptly? Like, I don't know, the environment or how to lace your shoes? Both are exponentially more important issues.

Look, I understand our existence as white males in a western society (which I believe most of us here are) is free from any real problems and quite hollow with the 9-to-5 job, wife who doesn't prepare your meals, kids who don't know you and a society that doesn't recognize your efforts, but manufacturing problems when there are none will NOT MAKE IT ANY LESS HOLLOW. And when you start bitching bitching bitching about a 'problem' like paruresis, you will only marginalize some of the real problems our sex has which warrant discussion (prostate cancer, anyone). Get some balls and get yourselves some perspective!

As for me having perspective, I suffer from paruresis from time to time, but I deal with it and have never seen the need to address it other than maybe joke about it with my friends. I sure as hell don't lose my sleep over it.

Now, IPA seems to have something going for it as it is lobbying for less invasive drug testing which I see as a Good Thing.

BTW, are new user signups back on?

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
Did you read the post? (none / 1) (#159)
by Scratch o matic on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 12:01:46 PM EST

If this group turns into a huge lobby that tries to push a disagreeable agenda on everyone else, then I might be inclined to agree with you.

Until then, consider this:

- Your job requires you to provide a urine sample as a condition of employment.

- You are unable to provide a sample, thereby losing your job.

That is a SERIOUS PROBLEM.

As near as I can tell, these people are not whining and complaining. They are just trying to overcome a problem.

[ Parent ]
Did YOU read my post? (none / 0) (#163)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 01:19:25 PM EST

I acknowledged the very point you make in my post and I agree, it's a serious problem. But still, a marginal one, and the article and only a few posts address this facet of paruresis. Majority of the posts are of the pathetic "I can't pee if people are around" -type my post mainly conncerned. My post was mainly meant as an expression of incredulity at this entire convo.

Again, having to go into a stall to be able to pee instead of the urinal is not a 'problem.' Having to pee down your leg because you don't have hands since the Tutsis cut them off, that's a problem.

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
"Problem" is Relative (none / 0) (#165)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:04:38 PM EST

Again, having to go into a stall to be able to pee instead of the urinal is not a 'problem.' Having to pee down your leg because you don't have hands since the Tutsis cut them off, that's a problem.

A problem is defined in relation to a life, not to an entire universe of events. After all, having to pee down your leg because of the Tutsis isn't a problem -- having your cervoid appendage cauterized by the oxygen guns of the Zeppeloids from Planet Ten -- that's a problem.

So, context is important.

Since I live in paradise, my problems are small. None the less, since they detract from the perfection of my happiness they are still problems.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Hmm, (none / 1) (#166)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:53:16 PM EST

I'm breaking my own admonitions by engaging in this convo, but consistency was never my forté. Do as I say... and all that.

I'm not talking about the entire universe. Problems we face as men, and as humans are very much in context. And I gave an example in my earlier post which is much closer to home to most of us western males: that of prostate cancer. There are numerous other problems out there.

But then again, you express exactly what I'm after in your last paragraph. Our paradise is full of bliss so we must tarnish it with manufactured problems to make our being worthwhile. The point of my earlier post.

--
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."
-- George Orwell


[ Parent ]
I'll Buy That For A Dollar (none / 0) (#170)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 03:37:33 PM EST

Our paradise is full of bliss so we must tarnish it with manufactured problems to make our being worthwhile.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the present day is a science-fiction dystopia-lite come to life!


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Movies have the answer! (none / 0) (#191)
by BlackHawk on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 09:32:16 AM EST

See both Withnail and I and Gataca for the answer to this simple problem.

[ Parent ]
I'm impressed! (none / 0) (#203)
by Kijiki on Mon Jul 05, 2004 at 05:40:34 PM EST

You managed to take a somewhat lighthearted story, in which the author specifically refers to his French-ness, and turn it into a rant about those souless Americans.

http://www.politicsforum.org/images/flame_warriors/flame_27.php

[ Parent ]

OT, but (1.33 / 6) (#108)
by Cro Magnon on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 04:42:58 PM EST

K5 has hit a new low! The stories are really in the toilet!
Information wants to be beer.
Confused... (none / 1) (#109)
by kurtmweber on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:09:35 PM EST

What the hell does "gifties peeing" mean?

Kurt Weber
Any field of study can be considered 'complex' when it starts using Hebrew letters for symbols.--me
Well (none / 2) (#111)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 05:44:42 PM EST

CBB was one of the 'gifted' students - one of the favourite verbal targets of regular students. So, when they saw him peeing, they said "gifty's peeing" or as CBB misspelled it, "gifties peeing".


[ Parent ]
No. (none / 3) (#119)
by bakuretsu on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 07:27:02 PM EST

The proper plural of "gifty" is not "gifty's". Never, ever, ever use an apostrophe to indicate a plural unless it's a POSSESSIVE plural.

E.g., if one gifty has trouble easing into tinkle time you might refer to "the gifty's silly peeing problem", or if there are many gifties, "the gifties' silly peeing problem". ("The gifties's silly peeing problem" is acceptable, although often frowned upon.)

I suppose it might be spelled "giftys" when you mean many of them, but since it's a vernacular expression  the spelling is really up for debate. Apostrophes, however, are not.

-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
[ Parent ]

that was meant as a contraction. :) nt (: (none / 2) (#120)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 07:34:11 PM EST




[ Parent ]
Clarification (none / 1) (#122)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:09:43 PM EST

It means that multiple members of the category "giftie" are engaged in the act of making water. A "giftie" is someone in the Gifted Programme, for advanced learning or whatnot.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Paradoxical Intention!!! (none / 3) (#113)
by MMcP on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:00:46 PM EST

Just do what our old friend Viktor Frankl suggests.  Paradoxical intention is a method whereby people get over anxieties by seeking to fufill them.  The typical scenerio goes something like this:  The pee-er knows that (s)he will clench up when socially peeing and get anxious about it, leading to clenching up when peeing.  Downward spiral.  

The way to deal with this, says Frankl, is to try and hold back to pee as much as possible - walk into a stall thinking "I am going to hold back my pee for as long as I possibly can!"  This does two things:
1) Develop a sense of humor about the situation, thereby releiving anxiety
2) Correct the expectations so that you, the pee-er have in some small way regained control of your bladdar.  

This technique is supposed to work for a whole host of other anxiety problems like impotance too, so give it a try.  

Have you considered (1.00 / 9) (#115)
by Sarojin on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 06:10:14 PM EST

...pissing on your wife's face as an act of sexual congress? It's the real deal, dawg.

While we're on the subject of urinals... (2.25 / 4) (#123)
by koreth on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:14:00 PM EST

Can someone enlighten me as to why some men feel the need to flush the urinal twice, once before they start peeing and once when they're done? Seems like about 30% of guys do that, or so I've noticed over the years as I've sat in stalls listening to others do their business. For the life of me I can't come up with a single good reason why. It doesn't cover up the peeing noise (urinal flushes don't last long enough.) It's not a sanitary thing. I just don't get it.

A few months back someone put up a little sign above the urinal at work, urging users to conserve water by waiting until after they were finished. Within a week the sign was full of penciled-in additions, e.g. "before and" scrawled before the word "after." So clearly it's not just an unconscious thing that people don't even realize they're doing.

Anyone?

A possibility (none / 1) (#124)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 08:34:31 PM EST

I haven't observed male bathroom habits as much as you, so I haven't noticed what you just mentioned.

It may be because they want to hear the sound, or maybe they like peeing into a flow of water.


[ Parent ]

Answer: Backsplash-commingling avoidance protocol (none / 2) (#130)
by tmoertel on Wed Jun 30, 2004 at 11:37:43 PM EST

Some gentlemen have superhighway urethrae that can unload about sixty gallons per minute. Even under the best of control and maximum distance from the receptacle, this kind of porcelain-slicing jet is apt to generate some degree of undesirable backsplash. The pre-flush ensures that any backsplash that unfortunately finds its way back home does not carry with it the cargo from another gentleman's bladder.

--
My blog | LectroTest

[ Disagree? Reply. ]


[ Parent ]
It's because 70% don't flush at all [n/t] (none / 0) (#132)
by epepke on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 01:33:59 AM EST


The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.--Terry Pratchett


[ Parent ]
Its easier to piss (none / 1) (#145)
by JonesBoy on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 08:07:07 AM EST

It is like the sound of a waterfall.   It makes you want to piss.   Another added bonus is if you have "stage fright", it covers up the fact that you ares standing there doing nothing.
Speeding never killed anyone. Stopping did.
[ Parent ]
flushing (none / 0) (#198)
by Stoutlimb on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 06:37:40 PM EST

I can only comment on my reason for doing so.

First of all, smell.  Some mens urine smells absolutely horrid.  Especially if it's been sitting in an unflushed urinal for a while.  Standing so close to something for even the length of time it takes for me to pee is too much.

Second, there is occasionally a bit of backsplash when you urinate, much like peeing standing up in a toilet splashes toilet water around.  Urinals cut that down a lot, but there still is some.  I'd rather not have a backsplash of mine and someone else's pee hitting me.  If I'm going to be splashed, it's going to be my pee, damnit!

And flushing after...  well, that's just courteous.


[ Parent ]

boring? (none / 0) (#205)
by NightEyez on Wed Jul 14, 2004 at 10:06:38 AM EST

I do it because I'm bored of peeing so I hit the flush just to break up the boredom.

[ Parent ]
Don't exactly recall when it started (3.00 / 4) (#131)
by myrspace on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 12:46:25 AM EST

but I recall this incident in high school where i was happily spilling my lot into the porcelian god when this guy jumps up from the side of the stall (AND YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE INSIDE A PROPER FOUR WALL STALL EH?) and went boo!

Now tiny wangs and male member gazing jokes aside, this somehow killed off any desire for me to ever pee in a stall without making sure nobody was around, and to have one hand ready on the zipper to hide the loose tiger the moment I hear someone shuffling to jump up the side of the cubicle.

I still have these problems but I can safely say that Im no longer one of the stall campers you'll see cringing by the sink with hands nervously tapping the marble after a long movie.

All it takes is a simple approach of stepping back. Each time you lock up, think about why you are locking up in the first place. What is it that you are afraid of? That girls will see your tiny wang? That your best friend and a guy to boot might have noticed your member down there and for some reason can't seem to keep his eyes off it? What are your fears? And how does this affect you? What can that girl do now that she's seen your wang? What would the guy beside you do if he's seen your wang? Laugh at you? Mock you?
You can even take a more aggresive approach. Check out his wang before he does yours.

Reassure yourself. That's what you need to do. Forget all the gay jokes for a while and just let your wang do what it needs to do. Who cares if they've seen you. The only times you'll need to retract your balls and zip up is when:

a) he's got a camera
b) he's got a knife
c) he's got his wang out in the open, and he's not aiming it at the bowl...

excellent work, cheeseburgerbrown. (none / 2) (#135)
by rmg on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:47:00 AM EST

superior to the dailykos in every respect!

_____

stalinism

dave dean

High Praise Indeed. [nt] (none / 0) (#160)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 12:07:27 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Wow I pity you! (none / 2) (#139)
by Nursie on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 05:39:41 AM EST

Never had any problems, I guess because I've always looked upon urination as a process of relief and joy. I also have positive childhood memories of it, like "how high can you pee" competitions in the urinals at school (I'm sure we were popular with the cleaners!!).

I spent last week at the glastonbury festival, which is pretty much the high point of my year because 20 or so of my University friends get together for most of a week and camp out in a field, drink ourselves stupid and watch some pretty good music. The only downside is the toilets. Due to the fact that the fesatival is held on farmland a lot of portaloo type things have to be brought in. And there are other toilets that basically consist of a partitioned bench with holes in over a very big pit. ( picture here)These are open to the sky, and you can hear massive crowds of people talking all around you. I even got to experience having a crap with rain falling on my head. Reading some of the comments below I don't think many of you guys would cope with that at all. Not only is it pretty public, but it's pretty grim too, especially after about the third day. Still I have no problems going, one just has to hold one's nose. I really pity people that preclude themselves from these sorts of experiences simply because of toilet concerns.

The only time I ever felt embarassed and had to hold back was one time in a pub in camden. I'd been coughing a lot the day before and had foolishly gone through a whole bottle of pholcodine linctus (cough syrup) in remedy. Out for a lunchtime drink the next day I had to bolt to the toilet and proc eeded to let forth more gas than I ever thought possible. It was almost literally like a foghorn. Then someone came in to the bathroom (I was in the only stall). I had to hold back a tide of bowel-gas that was causing me extreme pain until they used the urinal, washed their hands and left again. Then I let rip and laughed until I wept......
That'll teach me to be more careful with over the couter medication in future.

Meta Sigs suck.

OMG (none / 0) (#168)
by WorkingEmail on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 03:27:57 PM EST

Thanks for the tip. I love huge farts!


[ Parent ]
Pee Problems (none / 0) (#189)
by BlackHawk on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 09:26:07 AM EST

What's the issue with those Glastonbury loos? You got a cubicle each, so what if the bench is continuous? I've dumped in the ocean, in the woods, with a mate hanging around nearby - wherever...it's not a huge issue. That's not to say I'd drop my trousers in Covent Garden and dump, because I still prefer privacy, but when nature calls man must obey.

Have you seen those portaloo things around Soho? They're basically a big plastic four way stall that is in the middle of the *pavement* and drunks stop there and piss into them whilst other people are milling around. The same deal at Leeds festival. Yes, you could line up for the filthiest portaloo in England, or you could just piss in the open into the row of piss troughs, right next to all the other male and female concert goers. I say, get over it. Nobody is really interested in your pissing, just whip it out and do the biz.

[ Parent ]

No issue (none / 0) (#201)
by Nursie on Mon Jul 05, 2004 at 05:22:19 AM EST

I have no issue with the glastonbury loos, however the author of the original article may suffer n ightmares if he were to encounter them, is all I was saying.

Myself I find them unsanitory but satisfactory, and even quite enjoyed having a crap in the rain. I was merely expressing my pity towards sufferers of whatever syndrome the article was talking about, as the toilet arrangements probably preclude them from going to events like 'glasto' (which was fantastic this year).

Meta Sigs suck.

[ Parent ]
Haha, you idiots! (none / 1) (#140)
by psychologist on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 06:10:57 AM EST

There is a REALLY simple way to cure this. It goes this way: Go to toilet, unzip your pants, pull out your penis, imagine yourself drinking a bottle of water. The pee comes rushing out, and it does not matter who is around.

Try it, but you really have to imagine feeling the water running down your throat.

You can also alternate that imagery with images of a waterfall.

Not for Everyone (none / 0) (#204)
by MyrddinE on Tue Jul 06, 2004 at 08:21:44 PM EST

Many people, when they were young, were conditioned to pee by parents who would run water, like the bathroom sink, at the same time. I have no idea why... if it has some physiological reason or not, but running water has no effect on my desire (or lack) to urinate. My parents did not use that technique.

[ Parent ]
I piss alone (none / 3) (#142)
by driptray on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:11:49 AM EST

Artist: Regurgitator
Album: Unit

I Piss Alone

i piss alone, uh oh
i don't want nobody to know
that i don't have the pressure of some of the other boys
they make a noise, it scares me so

i piss alone, alone
i don't want nobody to know
that i don't have the pressure of some of the other boys

leave me alone, alone
i just wanna be on my own
cos i haven't got the pressure of some of the other boys

i want a world where pissing troughs are obselete
there's only rows and rows of cubicles

i'm so afraid
when i try it is often delayed
i stand and stare into the air
and then i might just put it away

so quiet in here
the only sound around is the fear
the other guy is pounding the wall
like he's shooting dear

i need a place where i can close and lock the door
there i can stop and let it flow


--
We brought the disasters. The alcohol. We committed the murders. - Paul Keating
reminds me of the case of the (2.50 / 6) (#152)
by Battle Troll on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:40:11 AM EST

Urologist who was sued for malpractice.

He was tried by a jury of his peers.
--
Skarphedinn was carrying the axe with which he had killed Thrainn Sigfusson and which he called 'Battle Troll.'
Njal's Saga, ca 1280 AD

Find a distraction (none / 2) (#153)
by decaf_dude on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:45:18 AM EST

While I'm not bladder shy per se, I do find talking to someone while taking a piss distasteful and somewhat distracting from the job at hand (forgive the pun). What I find works best is to find some sort of distraction like a paint chip or an irregularity in tile placement, or some such, and concentrate hard on that.

--
http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=89158&cid=7713039


Peer Pressure (2.75 / 4) (#154)
by haydentech on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 10:50:47 AM EST

I can't believe you didn't name the story Peer Pressure. What a missed opportunity...

Now that that's out of the way, let me add something constructive. I had somewhat of the opposite problem, though a little different. When I knew that I couldn't go to the bathroom someplace (riding on the subway, in a car or bus, etc.) I suddenly had to go IMMEDIATELY. Not fun. I think it was more of a panic disorder thing, and thankfully, it's completely gone away now. It was a major life-changing problem during my college years though. It was sometimes hard just to get up the nerve to leave the house. Interestingly, it was when I actually told someone about it (after a few years!) that it went completely away. So I wish you the same results by your talking about it.



The same thing happened to me (none / 2) (#156)
by Orion Blastar on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 11:35:38 AM EST

someone opened the door as I was taking a pee. I just finished up, zipped up my pants, washed my hands. The I walked out, and when the bully said something I hit him in the throat about 1/4th the stength as I could. He dropped to the floor, and gasped for air. I laughed  as he could not breath and turned white as a ghost, and then finally was able to breath, but not very well. I told him that next time it would be full force and would crush his windpipe. He never did it again. It was capital punishment, which you bleeding hearts say we should not do. Yet it worked.

But then, I am a psychopath, and I feel no pain or embarrassment, I just get even for those who have wronged me.
*** Anonymized by intolerant editors at K5 and also IWETHEY who are biased against the mentally ill ***

Corporal punishment... (none / 0) (#176)
by Gooba42 on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:43:26 PM EST

Capital Punishment - Death
Corporal Punishment - Pain

You threatened capital punishment. You used corporal punishment.

[ Parent ]

I used to be paruretic (1.75 / 4) (#161)
by Nigga on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 12:33:50 PM EST

What helped my overcome this disorder though was developing a healthy interest in golden showers. Associating the onset of a golden stream with the joyousness of sex helped me to feel more free and expressive when urinating in a crowded bathroom.

--------
The fuck happened to Nigga?

sad commentary on modern mental health (none / 1) (#164)
by krkrbt on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 02:02:48 PM EST

... Visit a good hypnotist, and this problem that's troubled you for years & years would disappear in a session or two.  

The Emotional Freedom Technique would also clear up the energy blockages installed way back when.

(I once used a variant of EFT to erase a woman's bee phobia, in about 10 minutes.. Before she was visibly terrified of them, 10 minutes afterwards she comes up to me and says excitedly, "look, I got stung!", and she was happy that it didn't excite her like it used to.)

But this stuff doesn't work - that's why modern psychiatrists just perscribe drugs.
 

Energy? (none / 0) (#167)
by WorkingEmail on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 03:23:53 PM EST

What kind of energy is this? Nuclear? Electrical? Mechanical? Thermal?


[ Parent ]
"Crystallic Fusion" [n/t] (none / 0) (#169)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 03:32:41 PM EST


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Surely you mean (none / 0) (#194)
by flo on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 10:53:59 AM EST

"Chrystallic cold fusion"?
---------
"Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
[ Parent ]
Energy. (none / 0) (#184)
by krkrbt on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 02:57:19 AM EST

"emotions" == "energy in motion"

"energy" in my original post refers to the eastern concept of energy, the kind that flows through meridians, etc, and composes the non-physical aspects of our existence.  I think its a cultural thing that we don't have a more specific word for it. (eskimos have 17 words for "snow".)

[ Parent ]

Paruresis vs shyness (none / 1) (#171)
by MonkeyMan on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 04:19:43 PM EST

I've come across many people who seem overly shy about elimination or its possible perception by others. You get people who flush to cover up sounds even before they start. I remember friends over describing one guy as the type "who would put his foot in the toilet and pee down his leg in order to be quiet about it". Is this sort of shyness linked with Paruresis?

One strange case happend with a friend who was staying with us for several days. Every night, in the middle of the night, he would get up to use the bathroom. And he made an increadable racket doing so. We finally decided that he was afraid that someone would not notice that the light in the bathroom was on, and since the door had no lock, he was making the racket to keep people from walking in on him.

Now was this just shyness, or would he not be able to perform if he felt insecure?

Just tickle your nard (none / 1) (#172)
by skintigh on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 04:45:08 PM EST

Works for me.

errr... (none / 2) (#175)
by werner on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:43:12 PM EST

doh!

ignore me.. (none / 0) (#177)
by werner on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 07:44:10 PM EST

i'm a fool. Please delete, mods.

[ Parent ]
180 comments about pissing?!? (none / 2) (#181)
by skyknight on Thu Jul 01, 2004 at 09:42:50 PM EST

If this doesn't mark the downfall of K5, then nothing does. :-p

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
The End Times Are Near (none / 0) (#188)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 08:30:49 AM EST

I am your new Toilet King!


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
And to think... (none / 1) (#190)
by skyknight on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 09:29:22 AM EST

I just spent $12 on three months worth of subscriptions because I got sick of not having reply notification. Unless someone else replies to a comment of mine today, I just spent approximately twelve cents being alerted to your proclamation of porcelain fiefdom.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
Worse Economics (none / 0) (#192)
by CheeseburgerBrown on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 10:09:26 AM EST

In all my time as a paid subscriber I never used any of the pay subscriber features. Not a one.

So, these days I buy the occasional ad to support K5, instead.


___
The quest for the Grail is the quest for that which is holy in all of us. Plus, I really need a place to keep my juice.
[ Parent ]
Whatever works... (none / 1) (#193)
by skyknight on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 10:23:13 AM EST

Four dollars per month is easily worth it for me as I get good use out of the features. I have interactive comment threads often enough that I don't want to have to scroll on the "Your Comments" page to scan for replies, and I don't mind chipping in to keep K5 running, even if Rusty skims a little monocle polish off of the top. Currently I can go days without posting because i'm kind of busy, but I do experience bursty usage, and besides, four dollars is about what I spend on breakfast.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
Have the same problem (none / 0) (#185)
by Vendor on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 04:59:56 AM EST

What I usually do is take a whiteboard marker into the toilet with me, and write on the walls (usually they have tiles or other slippery surfaces, so I can just rub out whatever I wrote, leaving no permanent marks).

If I don't do this, it's very difficult to get going peeing. But with the whiteboard marker, it is a lot easier for some reason (even, in some cases, if I don't write, and just hold the marker as if I am going to write).

I feel ridiculous just admitting this, but usually what I think of relates to either operating systems or books. I write lists of the pros and cons of various operating systems or books and add up the numbers.

The good thing is that the marker works everywhere. Even if I have to go out in the bush, just having the whiteboard marker there helps a lot, especially if there is a surface to write on (a rock, tree, whatever - it doesn't neccessarily have to be a surface where whatever I've written can actually be read).

Once, going out with a friend of mine, I took a whiteboard marker and a peice of paper. (I usually take them, but this time he saw me picking the items up and putting them in my pocket). He asked me what it was for (we were going horse riding). He joked that I was going to write love letters to the horses. I couldn't give him a definitive answer, and I didn't want to admit the truth and tell him that it was in case I need to pee...



Greenland (none / 1) (#186)
by yaksox on Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 08:11:04 AM EST

whoa dude that is kind of whack. But I can dig it. I know that when I'm taking a dump if things aren't moving along quickly enough (eventhough I have no problems in that area) I think about Greenland, sometimes scandanavia, siberia or other remote places -- that gets me going. As for pee-shyness, I occasionally feel it -- when I'm having a particularly self-conscious kind of day. More than anything I think it's a vulnerability thing - here I am standing facing the wall and anyone could come up behind me with a bread-knife etc etc.
zom·bie n. 3. One who looks or behaves like an automaton.
[ Parent ]
Another pathetic pee-repressed reader chiming in (none / 1) (#206)
by BobTheMighty on Mon Jul 19, 2004 at 01:21:41 PM EST

I've had this problem for a few years as well, though it comes and goes. Except for one thing: I *always* have it while traveling. Recently I went on an 8-hour trip up to Ohio, and no matter how many rest stops I made I couldn't get a drop. When I arrived I ran straight to the toilet and stood there for a good three minutes as a car trip's worth of cola came streaming out into the john. I think I'll give the counting trick a try the next time I'm in the car and feel the urge (to pee, that is). I have noticed that it's possible to `force' a whiz by chugging down water. I have to pee in a cup for drug tests, and about 15 minutes before I go I drink a good liter and a half of water. I guess the system just `backs up' so far that sheer hydraulic pressure forces it through, but if I know I'm going to have to pee on demand I just chug the old H2O. Won't work on car trips, though, because then I'm peeing the rest of the day.
-
I'll try not to confuse you more than absolutely necessary
Peers of the Stall | 207 comments (190 topical, 17 editorial, 0 hidden)
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