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[P]
The Great K5 Limerick Contest

By MichaelCrawford in Culture
Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:28:10 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

Queue submissions being scarce, I suggest we all submit limericks for consideration. Mod up your favorites.

I'm no poet, so I'll submit a favorite of my childhood:

There was a young woman named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light

She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.

I'm afraid I don't remember the author.


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Display: Sort:
The Great K5 Limerick Contest | 189 comments (177 topical, 12 editorial, 0 hidden)
"I don't remember the author." (2.70 / 10) (#1)
by WorkingEmail on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:09:56 PM EST

That's because he hasn't been born yet.


ror (1.20 / 5) (#2)
by Hide Teh Hamster on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:12:24 PM EST




This revitalised kuro5hin thing, it reminds me very much of the new German Weimar Republic. Please don't let the dark cloud of National Socialism descend upon it again.
[ Parent ]
IAWTP /nt (none / 0) (#43)
by WorkingEmail on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:48:40 AM EST




[ Parent ]
From Scotland (none / 1) (#179)
by hoopsmaccann on Mon Aug 16, 2004 at 02:23:26 AM EST

A visitor once to Loch Ness.
Met the monster, who left him a mess;
They returned his entrails
By the regular mails,
And the rest of the stuff UPS!

--
Hoops MacCann
Brut & Charisma
[ Parent ]
Here we go... (2.66 / 6) (#3)
by pb on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:17:55 PM EST

There once was a man from K5,
Who wrote with remarkable drive.
He tended to shout --
after he would wig out --
I thought that I would not survive!
---
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
Follow-up (2.85 / 14) (#4)
by CanSpice on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:19:56 PM EST

There once was a man from K5,
he kept all the servers alive.
One day on his yacht
That he had just bought
He polished his monocoles -- all five!


[ Parent ]
suggested alternate endings: (2.87 / 8) (#5)
by pb on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:27:21 PM EST

  1. The sharks found and ate him alive!
  2. He now could no further connive!
  3. His site crashed and took a nose dive!
  4. He couldn't afford a tape drive!

---
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]
Also, endings with a twist: (2.40 / 5) (#6)
by CanSpice on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:29:34 PM EST

  1. Where's that CMF?
  2. Search?
  3. ROR


[ Parent ]
Abbreviated Limericks (topical this time) (2.86 / 15) (#9)
by chrylis on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:38:25 PM EST

There was a young lady from Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdun...

"Topical" should be the default comment type...



Limerickage (2.91 / 12) (#12)
by Perpetual Newbie on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:43:59 PM EST

The Misfortunes of Fyfe is the dirty limerick to end all dirty limericks, while Honor Roll is the overall winner. If you want originals, let's give this a shot...

There once was a fellow named Linus
Who saw Sun's price tag as a minus
He authored some code
Which to the world he showed
Now hackers all call him "Your Highness"

...

There once was a fellow named Gates
Who every computer nerd hates
Though many would spank him
They really should thank him
Their fat wallets get them hot dates

...

There once was a guy on kuro5hin
Who'd rate everything a minus one
'til one day he vanished
Perhaps he's been banished
Just where the heck now is Paul Dunne?



W (2.84 / 13) (#14)
by pb on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 10:51:26 PM EST

There once was a statesman from Texas,
Who thought love required two sexes.
Things aren't what they seem,
Here where wings take dream --
His use of the language perplexes!
---
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
Why be coy? (2.88 / 9) (#18)
by localroger on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:41:22 PM EST

The relevant quote:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
--LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

We are such a nation of homilies
That we get all choked up over families
But two gents or two gals
Want to show how they're pals
And we're ready to inter them solemnly.

All right, it's below 50 on the tomatometer, but it's late.

What will people of the future think of us? Will they say, as Roger Williams said of some of the Massachusetts Indians, that we were wolves with the min
[ Parent ]

Who's being coy? (2.81 / 11) (#32)
by pb on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 01:45:04 AM EST

Perhaps it is not what you think;
the quote can be found in a blink.
to really be frugal,
you don't search with google,
but just click the relevant link.

homilies seems much like orange,
and families also like silver.
beset by hard times,
when neither word rhymes,
and also as bad is solemnly.
---
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]

lol (3.00 / 4) (#94)
by milksop on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:06:41 AM EST

smackdowns and flaming abounds,
to hide them in verse is quite sound.
i laughed my ass off,
a clever bake-off,
but this is terrible so i'm going to stop.

--
i make games.
[ Parent ]
bah (3.00 / 3) (#125)
by RadiantMatrix on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:19:03 PM EST

Your comment, it's true, is quite witty;
But the form of your rhyme is sure shitty.
For once, if you flame,
try not to sound lame,
or your mojo will be itty-bitty.

"In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots" - Kaa's Law

[ Parent ]
oy (none / 2) (#135)
by Wah on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 01:19:59 AM EST

You say that you do this for fun,
But when people see it they run.
   For flaming in rhyme is so petty,
   Like an old un-used jetty,
And besides, it's already been done.
--
umm, holding, holding...
[ Parent ]
Hmm. (1.75 / 12) (#15)
by Ta bu shi da yu on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:20:04 PM EST

There once was a troll, rmg
Who needed to pee
He worked it so hard
It turned into lard
He had to yell out "Help me!"

---
AdTIה"the think tank that didn't".
ה
It doesn't scan (none / 3) (#17)
by localroger on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:29:21 PM EST

This bug can be fixed:

There once was a troll, rmg
who desperately needed to pee
He worked it so hard
That it turned into lard
And he had to yell out "Please Help Me!"

But then again, maybe the point was that it was supposed to be broken, in which case I retract my revision.

What will people of the future think of us? Will they say, as Roger Williams said of some of the Massachusetts Indians, that we were wolves with the min
[ Parent ]

Last line fix (3.00 / 2) (#129)
by Theoretical User on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:55:03 PM EST

There once was a troll, rmg
who desperately needed to pee
  He worked it so hard
  That it turned into lard
So he yelled out, "Where are you, Mommy?"

Try to keep your tenses straight, Roger.

___
Your Wife Gives Bad Head. -- CheeseburgerBrown
[ Parent ]

In Homage (2.73 / 23) (#16)
by localroger on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:25:09 PM EST

There once was a fella named Tex
With bollocks the size of T. Rex
But he ran out of steam
And departed the team
For some place where he can hope for sex.

What will people of the future think of us? Will they say, as Roger Williams said of some of the Massachusetts Indians, that we were wolves with the min
Ouch. (none / 0) (#19)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:50:10 PM EST



--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]
sorry, TB (3.00 / 17) (#40)
by polyglot on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:15:20 AM EST

There was a young man named Tex
Who really was small for his sex.
   When tried for exposure
   The judge's disclosure
Was "de minimus non curat lex."

[the law does not concern itself with small things].

fortune is to be thanked for that one.
--
"There is no God and Dirac is his prophet"
     -- Wolfgang Pauli
‮־
[ Parent ]

I'm sure I saw your limerick in an Asimov book (none / 1) (#20)
by mcgrew on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:57:15 PM EST

But I'm equally sure he didn't make it up. OTOH it might have been Sagan. Or Hawking. Or somebody else entirely.

However...

Here's the first two lines of a limerick. I'm afraid the ending is a bit risque so I'll let someone else finish it.

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie

There was a young girl from Nantucket (none / 0) (#21)
by mcgrew on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:57:56 PM EST


"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

Whose cunt was as big as a bucket (none / 1) (#22)
by mcgrew on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:58:35 PM EST


"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

I put my dick in and said with a grin (none / 1) (#36)
by GenerationY on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:02:38 AM EST

(brinksmanship rules).

[ Parent ]
My toaster! So that's where I stuck it! (3.00 / 10) (#59)
by bakuretsu on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:52:38 AM EST



-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
[ Parent ]
Here we go: (none / 2) (#92)
by Bill Hicks on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:40:56 AM EST

There was a young girl from Nantucket.
With an ass so cute you would fuck it.
Get your member covered in pooh?
You can clean it off in the loo.
But just don't expect her to suck it.

[ Parent ]
There once was a hooker from Venezuela (none / 2) (#93)
by Bill Hicks on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:02:35 AM EST

Her cunt so tight you could not penetrate her.
I fixed her slot with my special sex toy.
Then I "tested" her out, oh what a joy.
But of course now she expects me to pay her.

[ Parent ]
There once was a web-site called Fark (none / 2) (#95)
by Bill Hicks on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:11:59 AM EST

Upon it where pictures of tarts.
Got me in such a mood
I had to get my lube
But could only muster a fart.

[ Parent ]
Also, I have another variation. (3.00 / 5) (#60)
by bakuretsu on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:54:25 AM EST

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it

-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
[ Parent ]
I once knew a man from Nantucket. (3.00 / 7) (#61)
by TheOnlyCoolTim on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:09:51 AM EST

Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Tim
"We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."
[ Parent ]

Gamow too... (3.00 / 4) (#134)
by mwright on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:54:48 PM EST

The relativity one was also in "One, Two, Three... Infinity," by George Gamow; if I remember correctly, though, he implied it had already been around for a while.

That same book opened with the following:

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who took the square root of infinity.
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets;
He dropped math and took up divinity

which I'm fairly sure (but not positive) was written by Gamow. Also in the book was this one:

There was a young fellow named Fisk
Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The FitzGerald contraction
Reduced his rapier to a disk.

On a slight tangent, Gamow seemed like quite a person. He coauthored a paper with Ralph Alpher, and added Hans Bethe's name as a joke. The authors list therefore read "Alpher, Bethe, Gamow."

[ Parent ]

Indeed. (2.46 / 13) (#23)
by The Honorable Elijah Muhammad on Wed Aug 04, 2004 at 11:58:40 PM EST

L.R.'s fiction was seen as the creme
but let me set you straight with this gem:
"You're a talentless hack
Just as as sure as I'm black"
Quoth the Hon'rable Reverend EM.


___
localroger is a tool.
In memory of the You Sad Bastard thread. A part of our heritage.
also in tribute (2.94 / 19) (#26)
by polyglot on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:19:27 AM EST

There once was a writer of fiction
The cause of much -1 friction
   The trolls on K5
   They could not abide
Prime Intellect's horror prediction


--
"There is no God and Dirac is his prophet"
     -- Wolfgang Pauli
‮־

Edward Lear has one: (2.00 / 4) (#27)
by SoupIsGoodFood on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:35:26 AM EST

There was a young man of St. Bees, Who was horribly stung by a wasp. When they asked 'Does it hurt?' He replied 'Not too much.' It's a good job it wasn't a hornet.

Properly formatted (2.40 / 5) (#28)
by SoupIsGoodFood on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:36:50 AM EST

There was a young man of St. Bees,
Who was horribly stung by a wasp.
When they asked 'Does it hurt?'
He replied 'Not too much.'
It's a good job it wasn't a hornet.

[ Parent ]
In a similar vein (2.66 / 6) (#37)
by Herring on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:14:30 AM EST

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said "you can't swim here this is council property, go one get off"

Say lol what again motherfucker, say lol what again, I dare you, no I double dare you
[ Parent ]
you're on drugs (2.00 / 2) (#98)
by fleece on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:48:00 AM EST

As a tribute to those drugs...

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was too big for his trousers
One day in the bank
He began to withdraw
All his money, which he later spent down the Hare n' Hound.



I feel like some drunken crazed lunatic trying to outguess a cat ~ Louis Winthorpe III
[ Parent ]
Not mine, but courtesy of fortune -o (2.87 / 16) (#29)
by Driusan on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:44:16 AM EST

There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass
      It was not round and pink
      (As you bastards think)
But had four legs, a tail and ate grass.


--
This space for rent.
Running orthogonally to the discussion at hand... (3.00 / 5) (#30)
by Enu the Subway Groper on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 01:17:50 AM EST

Gmail just gave me 3 invites today, so I've decided that the three people to post the best dirty limericks involving a woman named Bonita in reply to this comment will get an account. Please leave your address in your comment, obfuscated or a throwaway account or whatever.

But what do I know? I just squeeze womens' asses on the morning train to Osaka.
who is Bonita and what has she done to deserve it? (none / 0) (#33)
by polyglot on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 01:57:16 AM EST


--
"There is no God and Dirac is his prophet"
     -- Wolfgang Pauli
‮־
[ Parent ]
EVERYTHING (none / 0) (#76)
by LilDebbie on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:01:36 PM EST

seriously, if there's anything bad in your life, it's her fault

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
CHIKAN! DETEIKE! (none / 0) (#35)
by tetsuwan on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:46:48 AM EST


Njal's Saga: Just like Romeo & Juliet without the romance
[ Parent ]

here you go (none / 1) (#38)
by jann on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:03:29 AM EST

There was a young lass named bonita whose nipples popped up when you'd meet her she'd blush scarlet red whilst giving good head and all the guys knew how to treat her jann_westermann@hotmail.com

[ Parent ]
this time with formatting (2.80 / 10) (#39)
by jann on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:03:56 AM EST

There was a young lass named bonita
whose nipples popped up when you'd meet her
she'd blush scarlet red
whilst giving good head
and all the guys knew how to treat her

jann_westermann@hotmail.com

[ Parent ]

My attempt (2.66 / 9) (#41)
by ZorbaTHut on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:16:31 AM EST

There once was a girl named Bonita
Who liked to dress up as a cheetah
Her perversions waxed
Until one night, at last,
She was found smothered dead by Velveeta.

[ Parent ]
hmm (2.91 / 12) (#44)
by WorkingEmail on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 06:11:13 AM EST

There once was a girl called Bonita,
who had a good friend she called Rita.
  Their idea of fun
  involved blouses undone,
and a newly acquainted lolita.

Once again, thank you RhymeZone, you make me sound so much wittier than I really am.

Here, send it to a temporary alias I just made: workingemail@telus.net


[ Parent ]

for betterness (none / 0) (#45)
by WorkingEmail on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 06:15:53 AM EST

Replace the first 'called' with 'named', so that 'called' isn't used twice.


[ Parent ]
Brace yourself (2.88 / 9) (#46)
by davidmb on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 06:59:40 AM EST

The was a young girl named Bonita
Who'd squeal with delight if you'd eat her
A lovely girl who
Used to work at the zoo
But was kicked out for shagging a cheetah!

gmail@mailinator.com
־‮־
[ Parent ]

Let's see... (2.87 / 8) (#55)
by codejack on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:45:55 AM EST

A pervert's dream is Bonita
She likes her boyfriend to beat her
She takes it with grace,
While she sits on his face
And gives him head while he eats her

Can we post more than one?

Bonita's a sick cunt from Naples
Her sex life involves whips, chains and staples
She'll take it in the ass
Or actually fuck an ass!
Or even trees (She prefers maples)

Little Bonita has such a tiny cunt
Even a little dick makes her grunt
A carrot stick will make her moan
And a cucumber will make her groan
Then she splits in two, what a stunt!

OK, that last one sucked so bad that I'm giving up.


Please read before posting.

[ Parent ]
whoops! (none / 1) (#62)
by codejack on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:13:44 AM EST

Just in case I somehow win, my email is xrimshot@hotmail.com.


Please read before posting.

[ Parent ]
My entry (3.00 / 7) (#74)
by LilDebbie on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:59:38 PM EST

There once was a girl named Bonita
Who served as my little Lolita
I may go to hell
She only was twelve
But for a while it was la Dolce Vita

/me doesn't have a gmail account yet *tear

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
teh email: (none / 0) (#75)
by LilDebbie on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:00:16 PM EST

almost forgot: sadriaens @ yahoo . com

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Revision (none / 1) (#78)
by LilDebbie on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:39:36 PM EST

There once was a girl named Bonita
Who served as my little Lolita
I may go to hell
She was only twelve
But for a while it was la Dolce Vita

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
I liked the previous version better n/t (none / 0) (#119)
by tabris on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 02:04:00 PM EST



[ Parent ]
What type of lymeric? (2.87 / 8) (#86)
by LetterRip2 on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:39:54 PM EST

Okay,

here are some somewhat less crude lymerics.

Bonita was the young womans name,
She really was quite a hot dame,
We went out for dinner
Then acted like sinners
And I yelled out her name when I came.

Bonita I love her a lot
So sexy and very hot,
She makes the nights bright,
and incredibly light,
like a fire when day it is not.

[ Parent ]

rework of second lymeric (none / 1) (#87)
by LetterRip2 on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:49:23 PM EST

Bonita I love her a lot
So sexy and very hot,
She makes the nights light,
and incredibly bright,
like a fire when day it is not.

[ Parent ]
My submission (2.85 / 7) (#88)
by mutatrope on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 01:41:42 AM EST

There once was a girl named Bonita
the typically shy senorita
would offer dessert
by hiking her skirt
after many a margarita

email: mutatrope at yahoo

[ Parent ]

Here goes... (none / 1) (#154)
by eejit on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 04:26:07 AM EST

There once was a gal called Bonita
Whos boyfriend, he liked to eat her
Then one sad day
He said he was gay
And dumped the sad senorita

[ Parent ]
where for art though tumeric (1.63 / 11) (#31)
by Fuzzwah on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 01:37:27 AM EST

as kuros bursts into lymeric
i'm reminded of tumeric
the king of all trolls
rumours he played with dolls
seems he got fed up and split

--
The best a human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. - God's Debris

My Favourites By Other People (2.75 / 12) (#34)
by freestylefiend on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:03:07 AM EST

There once was a fellow named Tate
Who went out with a date at 8:08
  But I'd hate to relate
  What that fellow named Tate
And his tete a tete ate at 8:08.

by Edward Lear.

There was a young man from Kent,
Whose dick was so long it was bent.
  To save himself trouble,
  He'd put it in double,
So instead of coming he went.

attributed in varoius forms to various people.

well (2.88 / 18) (#47)
by pyramid termite on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 07:29:12 AM EST

there once was a fella named rusty
whose monocle got rather dusty
the c m f bunny
gave rusty some money
and he polished until they got crusty


On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
The Tao says (1.00 / 6) (#48)
by The Tao on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 07:51:52 AM EST

If you can talk about it,
it ain't Tao and thus ain't legit.

If it has a name,
it's just another thing, all the same.

Stop wanting stuff; it keeps you from seeing what's real, you'll have to admit.

The Tao
I would like you to know (none / 0) (#58)
by GenerationY on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:39:39 AM EST

I have an unused novelty account because of you Mr Tao. Whilst not exactly the same my idea is too close to yours for me to now be able to full it off. Curses!

[ Parent ]
limericks (3.00 / 30) (#51)
by komet on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:05:03 AM EST

There was a young man from the border
Who had an attention disorder.
When he reached the last line
He would run out of time
And

---

There was an old man
from Peru whose lim'ricks all
looked like Haiku. He

Said with a laugh, "I
cut them in half. The pay is
much better for two."

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.

From the fortune files. (3.00 / 5) (#77)
by NateTG on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 04:39:08 PM EST


There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdun.

(And I forget the one about Nero.)

[ Parent ]

Damian's limerick (none / 0) (#183)
by ocrow on Sat Aug 21, 2004 at 01:36:41 PM EST

There once was a poet named Damian
Whose limericks never would rhyme
They didn't scan particularly well
And they didn't have enough lines either

[ Parent ]
not mine... (2.30 / 10) (#52)
by codejack on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:22:58 AM EST

A chef's delight is Priscilla
Her breath's a distinct Sasparilla
One breast tastes of thyme
The other of Lime
And her vaginal flavor's vanilla

There was a man called Nick
He had an incredible dick
Without fear it would bend
He would stand on it's end
And say, "It's my own pogo stick"

Again, these are not mine.


Please read before posting.

Full limerick about the Bright lady (3.00 / 5) (#53)
by rujith on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:31:47 AM EST

Here's the full limerick (got from http://www.angelfire.com/ok/TheDeepSkies/LSTheory1.html):
There was a young lady named Bright,
Who travelled much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night.

The lady was Bright but not bright,
And she joined next day in the flight;
So then two made the date,
And then four and then eight,
And her spouse got a hell of a fright.
- Rujith.

Here's mine!! (1.85 / 7) (#54)
by spartaqus on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:37:17 AM EST

There was a diarist on Kuro5hin
Who one day had an enormous grin
Coz a diary he submitted
Accidentally got voted
As an op-ed, much to everyone's chagrin


Not mine (3.00 / 21) (#56)
by spartaqus on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:46:57 AM EST

This one won last year's geek limerick contest

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;


This one was written about me (1.85 / 7) (#57)
by LilDebbie on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 09:54:36 AM EST

[I have strange friends]

This math boy stood tall for he was the best
Expertise at general, he could not let rest
From D X M
To the world's end
And quite a few young girls he did molest.


My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

Author of pseudo-relativity limerick (none / 1) (#64)
by marinel on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:31:58 AM EST

According to a 20th of July 2000 Newsday page A4 article by Bryn Nelson ("When light is faster than light"), it was Arthur Buller who penned the "young woman named Bright" limerick in 1923. This is pseudo-confirmed by a quick google on Arthur Buller.
--
Proud supporter of Students for an Orwellian Society
Metalimerick (none / 0) (#65)
by vyruss on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:42:39 AM EST

There once was a young man named Rusty Whose website had turned rather musty Subscriptions were shut down But that caused a frown So he made all the users again trusty.

  • PRINT CHR$(147)

Shite, forgot to format. Should read: (2.81 / 11) (#66)
by vyruss on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:43:53 AM EST

There once was a young man named Rusty
Whose website had turned rather musty
Subscriptions were shut down
But that caused a frown
So he made all the users again trusty.

  • PRINT CHR$(147)

[ Parent ]
How about a poem? (1.18 / 22) (#67)
by revscat on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:18:44 PM EST

I'm a Bush Republican
I got a small schling
I like to bomb niggahs
and make a lot o' bling

I got a bunch o' friends
in high up places
They helps me get dem
government graces.

You think I'm smart
I just know who's who
I couldn't run a fruit stand
without the red white & blue

I fancy myself
A brilliant tactician
But neither me nor m'buddies
Could even pass basic trainin'

See, I'm above all that
A fightin' and shootin'
I just say "Sic em!"
Then run the other direction

Don't need no history
Don't need no schoolin'
I got my ideology
To keep me a shootin'

If I get caught screwin'
Or tellin' wicked lies
"Hypocrisy!" I holler
And that justifies the crimes

Liberals! Faggots!
Commies and queers!
Socialist hippies
Full o' pussy tears!

I'll drop some crap
about Jesus the Christ
You'll buy it all
and vote for me twice

'Fact, Jesus is comin'!
Real soon, now!
So we gotta prop up Israel
That ol' sacred cow

Propaganda's m'friend
But I calls it "fact"
Even though I don't read
'Cept for Chick tracts

Facts? No! Don't need em here!
We're conservatives! We work on FEAR!
Don't like what we say?
Well FUCK YOU, bud!
We'll shove it down yer throat
and tell ya it's good!

- Rev.
Libertarianism is like communism: both look great on paper.

-1, Not limerick (1.75 / 4) (#72)
by CodeWright on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:29:21 PM EST

Don't disagree with your sentiments, but they should have been in limerick form.

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
whee (2.68 / 16) (#68)
by zenofchai on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 12:57:38 PM EST

there once was a man from k5
so dumb he was hardly alive
his brain was so small
he spoke with a drawl:
"what happened to comments +5?"
--
The K5 Interactive Political Compass SVG Graph
i was going to joke, but i'll contribute nicely (2.12 / 8) (#70)
by circletimessquare on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 02:58:20 PM EST

Free your body and soul
Unfold your powerful wings
Climb up the highest mountains
Kick your feet up in the air

You may now live forever
Or return to this earth
Unless you feel good where you are

http://www.snopes.com/photos/grave.asp


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[Not any more off topic than you] (3.00 / 2) (#81)
by misfit13b on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 07:42:48 PM EST

A college friend of mine wrote a letter to his teacher kindly asking for an extension on a project (that he really didn't expect to get).  The note was three paragraphs long, and the first letter of each line spelled out:

You Fat Fuck

I don't believe he did get that extension...

[ Parent ]

And now for more dirty Limericks (1.21 / 19) (#71)
by Death Denied on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:28:40 PM EST

There once was a man named Enis
Who does not belong to our genus
  He had so much mass
  That his own ass
Was fucked by his bended penis

There once was a man named Enis
Who had a distended penis
  That stretched so long
  That it's tip could have gone
All the way to Venus

There once was a vagina
Who belonged to a Mina (Minor)
  She went to a dark place
  But did not take her mace
And got fucked all the way to China

My ass is not for sale
I'm ready to make bail
  But you wouldn't listen
  Your penis has risen
What's it like to fuck a male?

I have a sex toy
That had belonged to this boy
  Whose uncle bested
  And then molested
And now seems so coy

Can't we keep children off K5? [nt] (2.25 / 4) (#79)
by awgsilyari on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 05:54:36 PM EST



--------
Please direct SPAM to john@neuralnw.com
[ Parent ]
Probably not. (3.00 / 2) (#82)
by bunsen on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 07:46:55 PM EST

Though we might try to teach them what the hell meter is, and possibly convince them that the word 'penis' is not inherently hilarious.

---
Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
[ Parent ]
This one sucks (2.60 / 5) (#73)
by Herding Cats on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 03:51:16 PM EST

There once was a fencer named Nash
Whose blade was made for the dash.
     So he killed off the judge
     With a slice and a nudge
And quickly made off with the cash.

I hate facts. I always say the chief end of man is to form general propositions -- adding that no general proposition is worth a damn.

---Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

my favorite (3.00 / 3) (#80)
by the77x42 on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 07:03:33 PM EST

"There once was a man fron Nantucket, Whose --" [smashes into a wall]



"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

chappaquiddick (none / 2) (#102)
by isham on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 09:18:37 AM EST

> "There once was a man fron Nantucket, Whose --"[smashes into a wall]

Shouldn't that be:

[drives off a bridge]

???

[ Parent ]

no, homer does a cartwheel and hits a wall [nt] (none / 1) (#143)
by the77x42 on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 01:48:40 PM EST




"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

[ Parent ]
meh (3.00 / 17) (#83)
by urdine on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:43:09 PM EST

There once was a frog from a bog.
Who thought he'd start up a blog.
He wrote of his life,
And lack of a wife—
He STILL has no one to snog.

I think it flows better (none / 1) (#115)
by wurp on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 12:39:26 PM EST

and still he has no one to snog.
---
Buy my stuff
[ Parent ]
Ends with... (none / 0) (#145)
by ChaosEmer on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 08:54:56 PM EST

My god!

[ Parent ]
Rock and Roll! (2.66 / 6) (#84)
by MichaelCrawford on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 10:44:44 PM EST

I'm quite stoked this made front page. Thanks to all the moderators for your support.

It's been a long time since I've published anything here. Too long. I've been pretty out of it for a while but things are getting better.

I have a work in progress I'd like to submit someday but I've left it sit for several months so I could become more of an expert on the subject.

There was a mad writer named Mike
Who liked to ride on his bike
He rode up a hill
and pedaled until
The world was more to his like.


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


it works better.... (none / 0) (#137)
by Wah on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 01:30:36 AM EST

...if you take out the 'mad'.

Same goes for your other one, but I haven't read it all yet, so maybe you covered that.
--
umm, holding, holding...
[ Parent ]

more risque limericks (2.63 / 11) (#85)
by mimeInDarkness on Thu Aug 05, 2004 at 11:02:49 PM EST

There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who buggered three maids while confirming 'em
While praying to god
He excited his rod
And pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her cherry was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin'

There once was a fellow from Eeling
Who pounded his pud with great feeling
Then like a trout
He'd stick his tongue out
And wait for the drops from the ceiling

--
-- Homeland Security: Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?

Dirty limericks (none / 1) (#97)
by Ig0r on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:30:59 AM EST

Have you ever read the Limericks book that is hundreds of pages of dirty limericks like the ones you've posted?

[ Parent ]
History of the Republican party (2.16 / 12) (#89)
by bankind on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 01:44:48 AM EST

A balanced budget was the GOP's mission
Sound policy advice from statisticians
Then Bush went to war
The deficit soared
Now the party is all fucking Christians


"Insurgents are blowing up pipelines and police stations, geysers of sewage are erupting from the streets, and the electricity is off most of the time -- but we've given Iraq the gift of supply-side economics." -Krugman

Picked this up in elementary school: (2.66 / 6) (#90)
by Empedocles on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:23:22 AM EST

I raised a great hullabaloo
When I found a large mouse in my stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!"

---
And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home

An Unlikely One from Robert Frost (2.90 / 11) (#91)
by blueuna on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:30:26 AM EST

For travelers going sidereal
The danger they say is bacterial
On Mars or on Saturn
I know not the pattern
But on Venus it's surely venereal

a limerickean ode (3.00 / 7) (#96)
by milksop on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:47:07 AM EST

To search for words rhymed with enough,
will make your poor mind turn to dough.
So throw down a pint,
then pop in a mint,
and with English onward stubbornly plough.

--
i make games.
Aha! (3.00 / 6) (#128)
by RadiantMatrix on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:36:39 PM EST

There's plenty to rhyme with 'enough',
your skills are just not up to snuff
your meter is fine,
exact to the line,
you should really write more of this stuff.

"In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots" - Kaa's Law

[ Parent ]
My contribution (2.85 / 7) (#99)
by brain in a jar on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:54:28 AM EST

There was a young lady called Lisa,
Who could find no man to please her,
Her husband had promised,
A godly John-Thomas,
But it was clear in the end,
He'd decieved her.

It was on account of the size of her beaver,
That most men could only tease her,
In search of more force,
She wedded a horse,
And the beast it damn nearly cleaved her.


"The ships hung in the air the way that bricks don't." Douglas Adams.

My favourite (2.16 / 6) (#100)
by mydigitalself on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 08:48:10 AM EST

There once was a man from Culcutta who was forced to sleep in the gutter. The tropical sun burned a hole in his bum and melted his balls to butter.

meters better with British slang: (none / 1) (#153)
by Russell Dovey on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 03:14:07 AM EST

and melted his bollocks to butter.

an international variant could involve testes.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

hello (2.72 / 11) (#101)
by noogie on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 08:57:07 AM EST

i cant believe something this shite
got voted up on this site
just goes to show
what we already know
on decent submission, we're light

ROR!


*** ANONYMIZED BY THE EVIL KUROFIVEHIN MILITARY JUNTA ***

ROR. (2.80 / 21) (#106)
by pb on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 09:54:50 AM EST

ROR LOL ROFL ROR LOFL ROR,
WTF OMG And some more.
Incoherent at best,
we're put to the test,
when WTF is this shit for.
---
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]
damn you chemistry (1.50 / 4) (#103)
by apathetic on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 09:29:22 AM EST

little johnny drank a drink
but he will drink no more
for what he thought was H_2 O
was H_2 SO_4

correction (albeit from my memory) (none / 2) (#121)
by tabris on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 02:15:36 PM EST

little johnny drank a drink
but he will drink a drink no more
for what he thought was H_2 O
was H_2 SO_4

[ Parent ]
I heard it as: (none / 0) (#157)
by gidds on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 09:56:25 AM EST

Poor old Brown is dead and gone,
  His face you'll see no more;
For what he thought was H2O
  Was H2SO4.

Andy/
[ Parent ]
Way I heard it (none / 0) (#165)
by curien on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 10:39:08 PM EST

Johnny studied chemistry
but Johnny ain't no more
'cause what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

--
This sig is umop apisdn.
[ Parent ]
Another cautionary tale (none / 0) (#171)
by scorchio on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 10:24:53 AM EST

Little Willie, from the mirror,
Licked the mercury clean off,
For he thought in childish error,
It would cure the whooping cough.

At the funeral his mother,
Turned and said to Mrs. Brown,
It was a chilly day for Willie,
When the mercury went down!


[ Parent ]

An epitaph (3.00 / 2) (#172)
by gidds on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 10:40:40 AM EST

Here lies John Bunn.
    He was killed by a gun.
His name was not Bunn but Wood,
    But Wood would not rhyme with gun,
    But Bunn would.

Oh, and getting back to limericks:

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died,
    The apples, fermented
    Inside the lamented,
Made cider inside 'er inside.

And

There was a young lad of St Just
Who ate apple pie till he bust
    It wasn't the fru-it
    That caused him to do it;
What finished him off was the crust!

Andy/
[ Parent ]

How about the classics? (3.00 / 11) (#104)
by bakuretsu on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 09:34:30 AM EST

A man who lived out by the pass
Had balls that were made out of brass
When he banged 'em together
It made stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!

-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
Attempt at a Bush limerick... (2.33 / 9) (#105)
by fauxpas on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 09:47:07 AM EST

A man named Bush took us to war
with Iraq, for to settle a score
sold it to Halliburton
now people are hurtin
and nobody knows just what for.


My all-time favorite (2.95 / 23) (#107)
by Eddie the Jedi on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 10:06:24 AM EST

There was a young poet named Dan
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan.
     When told this was so,
     He replied, "Yes, I know,
My problem is that I always try to cram as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can."



AWESOME (2.00 / 3) (#110)
by sethadam1 on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 11:49:28 AM EST

That's the funniest goddamned limerick I've ever read.

[ Parent ]
SCO... (2.80 / 5) (#108)
by mehaiku on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 10:14:25 AM EST

Darl has but one innovation
Ill conceived litigation
It's a shame he cant find
Work made for his kind
But who'd pay him for masturbation?

If this looks familiar to anyone, I posted it previously on slashdot in February. A much longer SCO limerick can be found here as well:

More SCO Limericks

I had been lurking on this site for sometime now, but had to create an account for this story, so this is my first post.



Welcome! (none / 2) (#116)
by MichaelCrawford on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 01:11:07 PM EST

I'm very proud my article convinced you to de-lurk. I like it when that happens.


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


[ Parent ]

edits (none / 1) (#117)
by zenofchai on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 01:15:11 PM EST

2nd line doesn't have the right beat: try "His ill-conceived litigation". Also, the last line just doesn't sit quite right in the beat -- you're forcing the reader to read in a cramped way instead of finding a way to let the word come out naturally -- putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable. But I guess that's tough to put too many 4-syllable words into a lymerick.
--
The K5 Interactive Political Compass SVG Graph
[ Parent ]
Author of Relativity Limerick (none / 1) (#109)
by porkchop_d_clown on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 10:23:58 AM EST

I'm pretty sure the author of that limerick was Isaac Asimov. He was famous for whipping out limericks at the spur of the moment.


Could be worse. Could be raining!
also... (none / 0) (#187)
by Hillgiant on Fri Aug 27, 2004 at 06:24:01 PM EST

For what it is worth, it is also featured in an alphaville song.

-----
"It is impossible to say what I mean." -johnny
[ Parent ]

A few funny ones (2.60 / 5) (#111)
by sethadam1 on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 12:07:58 PM EST

These two aren't mine, but are great ones:

There once was a fellow named Cager,
who as a result of a wager
had offered to fart
the whole oboe part
of Mozart's "Quartet in F Major."

There once a man from Madras
Whose balls were contructed of brass
he clanked them together
in dark stormy weather
and lightening shot out of his ass

This one is mine:

A man from Darjeeling named Jude,
Humped a blow up doll when in the mood
His Mom entered his room,
as he pumped the balloon,
and discovered that it was a dude

Another, source unknown. (none / 3) (#112)
by Squidy on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 12:11:43 PM EST

Not my own, and I cannot remember where I heard it from, but one of my favorites: There once was a vampire named mable Whose periods were really quite stable And every full moon She'd get out a spoon And drink herself under the table

Correction... (3.00 / 7) (#113)
by Squidy on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 12:13:27 PM EST

Sorry, that's:

There once was a vampire named mable
Whose periods were really quite stable
And every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table.

Breen (3.00 / 11) (#114)
by jasha on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 12:17:19 PM EST

There was a young man from Breen
who invented a sexual machine.
  Both concave and convex,
  It could please either sex,
And had settings for those in between!


(Author unknown).

last line (none / 1) (#151)
by polyglot on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 09:42:07 PM EST

but oh, what a bastard to clean!
--
"There is no God and Dirac is his prophet"
     -- Wolfgang Pauli
‮־
[ Parent ]
From fortune: (2.90 / 11) (#118)
by Sgt York on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 01:50:07 PM EST

The once was a man from Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia

Limeraiku (3.00 / 4) (#120)
by skrjablin on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 02:10:52 PM EST

A genre that I made up, for the challenged.

Rules:
17 syllables, rhyme scheme AABBA, first line introducing a person and a place, last line funny, and perhaps the whole thing should have some sort of reference to a season, too.

Rainer from Spain
was hit by a train:
he broke,
choke,
and stayed in the plane.

Liz, Mississippi
("Mrs Peace Hippie")
moaned
stoned
"Geez, this is trippy!"

I made up more of these once but I can't remember them right now.

More Limeraiki (none / 0) (#122)
by skrjablin on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 02:52:06 PM EST

Dana from Denmark,
doing a man, Mark,
screamed
steamed
"Do me again, Mark!"

Gil, Portugal:
"How me comfort you, girl?"
"Kneel
Gil!
I'm the Torture Girl!"

[ Parent ]

To whoever invented the Haiku (none / 0) (#126)
by sab39 on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:30:41 PM EST

To whoever invented the Haiku With a two-by-four I'd like to strike you 'Cos now every nerd With a seasonal word Is five-seven-fiving just like you!
--
"Forty-two" -- Deep Thought
"Quinze" -- Amélie

[ Parent ]
Oops, reformatted (none / 1) (#127)
by sab39 on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:31:45 PM EST

To whoever invented the Haiku
With a two-by-four I'd like to strike you
'Cos now every nerd
With a seasonal word
Is five-seven-fiving just like you!
--
"Forty-two" -- Deep Thought
"Quinze" -- Amélie

[ Parent ]
From Slaughterhouse-Five (none / 2) (#123)
by ThymePuns on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:13:54 PM EST

There was a young man from Stamboul Who solilouized thus to his tool: "You took all my wealth And you ruined my health, And now you won't pee, you old fool."

and formatted... (none / 2) (#124)
by ThymePuns on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 03:15:31 PM EST


There was a young man from Stamboul
Who solilouized thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
And you ruined my health,
And now you won't pee, you old fool."

[ Parent ]
One I think i remeber right (none / 2) (#130)
by haplopeart on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:15:01 PM EST

There once was a boy his name Todd
His body shape most thought was quite odd
     most would would call dickhead
     Name true true most had said
cause you see his body was shaped just like his rod
Bill "Haplo Peart" Dunn
Administrator Epithna.com
http://www.epithna.com

the famous ST:TNG incomplete one... (2.33 / 3) (#131)
by haplopeart on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 04:17:45 PM EST

There once was a woman from Venus
Who's body was shaped like a ...

Data got cut off at this point
Tis ok cause we this for sure

That the very next word was Penis.
Bill "Haplo Peart" Dunn
Administrator Epithna.com
http://www.epithna.com

Oh a NEW limerick... (3.00 / 13) (#132)
by mcgrew on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:31:34 PM EST

There once was a writer named Craword
Whose prose, now a legend, was proffered
"The que has run dry"
"So there's no need to try"
"These fools all will take what is offered!"

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie

One I made when I was at college (2.77 / 9) (#133)
by holdfast on Fri Aug 06, 2004 at 07:36:47 PM EST

This is the tale of a student
Who went out and did things that you shouldn't
He got very drunk
Tried to beat up a punk
But unfortunately found that he couldn't

Next day he woke up in the clink
His eyes were a cute shade of pink
The pains in his head
Made him wish he was dead
And then he threw up in the sink

When released, he returned to his home
The night streets no longer to roam
He tried to be good
Like his mum said he should
And stayed in and got drunk on his own


"Holy war is an oxymoron."
Lazarus Long
There once was a girl of Coleshill (2.90 / 11) (#136)
by ELP Fucking Rules on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 01:29:38 AM EST

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

I may disagree with what you have to say but I'll kill you for my right to say that.
Fine, fine. (2.55 / 9) (#138)
by kitten on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 02:07:51 AM EST

There once was a girl from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks
But she failed at the sport
Cause she wrote them too short.
mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
Conversely (2.75 / 4) (#150)
by synaesthesia on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 07:47:00 PM EST

There was a young woman named Jenny,
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny.
Her rhythm and rhyme
Were perfectly fine
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always had one line too many.

Not sure who wrote that one.

Sausages or cheese?
[ Parent ]

This one is from Slashdot. (2.50 / 6) (#139)
by i on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 04:00:02 AM EST

There once was a hacker from Haifa
Who wrote generator of haiku.
But an error he made,
And the program instead
Generates bad limericks. Gosh, how come?


and we have a contradicton according to our assumptions and the factor theorem

[no content] (2.62 / 8) (#140)
by Dont Fear The Reaper on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 11:43:50 AM EST

this limerick is quite without wit
in fact, it's totally shit
but your boredom's inspiring
and your taste is quite frightening
so in kind I thusly submit

A quick freestlye by K5's best (2.00 / 6) (#141)
by Nigga on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 12:07:37 PM EST

There once was a bitch named Suzie
Who couldn't stuff enough cocks in her coochie
   So she set out to sale
   To find a blue whale
And a dork with which to make woopie

-Nigga

--------
The fuck happened to Nigga?

Ugh. (none / 1) (#142)
by bakuretsu on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 01:46:14 PM EST

Set out to sail
A dork with whom to make whoopie

-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
[ Parent ]
got me on sail (3.00 / 4) (#144)
by Nigga on Sat Aug 07, 2004 at 03:29:06 PM EST

but dork here is used in its original meaning of a male whale reproductive organ.

--------
The fuck happened to Nigga?
[ Parent ]

Whoops. (none / 0) (#175)
by bakuretsu on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 10:15:20 PM EST

I'm not enough of a mariner, apparently!

"Go suck a dork" just took on new meaning.

-- Airborne
    aka Bakuretsu
    The Bailiwick -- DESIGNHUB 2004
[ Parent ]

For those who know LaTeX (2.83 / 6) (#146)
by Coryoth on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 02:47:24 AM EST

(\int_0^3 \sqrt{t} dt)\times\cos(\frac{3\pi}{9}) = \sqrt{3}

Comes out to:

The integral from nought to three
Of the square root of tee dee tee
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is equal to the square root of three

(Yes, I am a math geek.  Sorry)

Jedidiah.

A slightly different variation (none / 1) (#168)
by curunir on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 01:22:32 AM EST

I've heard it as...

The integral of z squared d z
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e

(no latex fu here, but hopefully this will do)

[ Parent ]
Turkey (2.33 / 6) (#147)
by vyruss on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 02:09:06 PM EST

There once was a young man from Turkey
Who occasionaly drank some Wild Turkey
But he overdid it
Drank more than he needed
And he had to quit it cold turkey

  • PRINT CHR$(147)

hangman (3.00 / 3) (#148)
by mneptok on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 05:22:40 PM EST

An art buff from London named Snow
When accosted a forthnight ago
Was heard to have quipped
As the flasher unzipped
"Your exhibit's well-hung, sir. Good show!"


./k -- non universim sed singulatem fretus
Cross fertilization (!PC) (2.00 / 8) (#149)
by raga on Sun Aug 08, 2004 at 07:41:18 PM EST

There was a young woman named Starkie Who had an affair with a darkie The result of her sins Were quadruplets, not twins One white, one brown and two khaki --anon

Ogden Nash (none / 2) (#152)
by epepke on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 02:36:09 AM EST

What a wonderful bird is the pelican!
His beak holds much more than his belly can.
He stores in his beak
Enough food for a week
I sometimes don't know how the hell he can.


The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.--Terry Pratchett


Another maths limerick (2.75 / 4) (#155)
by creature on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 06:56:02 AM EST

One from my school days:

'Tis a favourite pastime of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at three,
For it's simpler, you see,
than 3.14159.

A neat triplet from "fortune". (none / 1) (#156)
by creature on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 07:01:26 AM EST

This fortune crossed my screen on login the other day, and I thought it was quite neat:

There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdunne.

        [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
         is about some guy named Nero.  If anyone has a copy of it, please
         mail it to "fortune".  Ed.]


some limericks (none / 1) (#158)
by JyZude on Mon Aug 09, 2004 at 09:41:23 PM EST

I Feel Dirty About This One

My cousin could not be disuaded
I protested that we were related
And though I said no,
She would not let go
And I found myself wonderf'ly fellated

Oblique Ode to John Carmack

I once played a game called Doom 3
It glowed upon a CRT
When I saw an Imp
I felt like a wimp
And into my shorts I did pee

Ode to futhman from LiveJournal

I was hangin' with my buddy Sash
We'd smoked too much Afghani Hash
To her I leaned near
And whispered in her ear
"Uh, babe, can I please lick ur gash?"

He Who Dies With the Best Toys...

A businessman sought only power
He fought for it hour 'pon hour
I said "dead is dead,
No corpse shall be ahead"
And this made his expression quite dour

-----
k5 is not the new Adequacy k thnx bye


From opensourcepoetry.org (none / 0) (#159)
by hovil on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 03:55:37 AM EST

There once was a fat admin called lilo
who lived in a unused missle silo
he talked about crap on O.P.N.
and came across with an I.Q. of 10
He begs in the street
but still feels elite
that stinky fat admin called lilo

My Fav Limerick ! (none / 0) (#160)
by thePoster on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 04:53:48 AM EST

There once was a girl from Madras, Who had a very fine ass ! It was'nt round and pink as you bastards might think !! It had 4 legs, a tail and ate grass. snigger snigger.

All my own work.. (none / 0) (#161)
by wraith0x29a on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 09:55:52 AM EST

There once was a site called slashdot,
where the literate posted a lot,
but in these troubled times,
someone asked for some rhymes,
and now look at what we have got.


"There are actually 11 kinds of people in the world: Those who don't understand binary, those who think they understand binary and those who know what little-endian means."
Oops - It's been a long day.. (3.00 / 2) (#162)
by wraith0x29a on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 10:19:44 AM EST

A young man who should be in bed,
wrote rhymes about slashdot instead,
but this was a sin,
he was on Kuro5hin,
so he felt like a total dickhead.

"There are actually 11 kinds of people in the world: Those who don't understand binary, those who think they understand binary and those who know what little-endian means."
[ Parent ]
Yay nerdy physics limerick (none / 0) (#163)
by BobTheMighty on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 01:16:06 PM EST

There once was a racer named Fisk
Who took a considerable risk
When his dragster got traction
The Fitzgerald contraction
Reduced his wazoo to a disc

Not original, I'm afraid, but amusing for those who get it ^_^
-
I'll try not to confuse you more than absolutely necessary
Yet another limerick (3.00 / 2) (#164)
by Veloso on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 02:13:21 PM EST

There once was a poet named Lenny
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny
Though the meter was good
And they rhymed like they should
Whenever he tried to write any
He always wrote one line too many

Oh, what the hell (none / 0) (#166)
by curien on Tue Aug 10, 2004 at 10:58:32 PM EST

This epic was created by some people I knew on a message board years ago.

There once was an elf girl named Mary
Who's legs were so long it was scary
To Elrond she said "they hang out of my bed"
He answered "at least there not hairy"

Mary became Elronds GirlFriend
All their time together they did spend
Til one day said Mary "I used to be Larry"
And Elrond took off for BagEnd

To Bilbo he said "I was shocked
to think my maiden once cocked"
Bilbo laughed loud as he pulled back his shroud
Then Elrond his knees they just knocked

Bilbo offered Elrond his ring
Elrond shuddered and refused the thing.
Its just too much Power, "Man, do I need a shower"
Bilbo lent Elrond his plumbing

While Elrond was washing his sack
Bilbo said "can I wash your back"
Elrond slip on the soap and fell down like a dope
and Bilbo said "MMMMM nice crack"

While Bilbo was enjoying the view
In walked Frodo, his favrite nephew
Frodo cried "who's that?", in bilbo's face he then spat
Poor Bilbo felt quite torn in two

Frodo ran to see Sam
He said my life is a sham
Then Sam he said with cock of his head
I could be your cute little lamb

Sam said to Frodo "let's leave"
And take something of his that he'll grieve
"lets take his ring, he loves that old thing"
They got off scot free, they believe

They ran into Merry and Pip in
Who had been living in sin
they said we'll come with you too
we would love to travel with you
Who knows the shit we could get in

like horseshit, they hit the trail
Frodo also grabbed Bilbo's Mail
"I have nothing to fear,
from an arrow or spear"
but inside it he felt all to frail

They ran into old Tom Bom B
He saved there ass from a tree
He did up some Math said I have enough tubs fot a bath
and Id like to take a peek at your bummies

They quickly got the hell out of there
And headed for Bree, on a tear
"we'll stop at the Inn, before we get too thin"
and think up a song we can share

Frodo jump up on the bench
his sang like a a rusted old wrench
The locals they liked it,but his drink they had
spiked it
and he fell on his ass like a wench

Then Strider appeared looking foul
Smoking his pipe there under his cowl
"you've done it now friend, this isnt BagEnd"
as they heard the Black Rider Howl

They went back to old Frodo's room
They sat in the dark and the gloom
I dont trust him said Sam, He looks like a sham
I bet he's black as an old barrow tomb

In came old 'bur with the mail
the sending of which he did fail
"looking foul?,feeling fair?", hey whose that over there?
Aragorn to lead you on the trail

They hit the ground at a run
wheather top for frollick and fun
The damn riders came, what a cryin shame
and Frodo got stabbed in the buns

Aragorn went in search of some weed
Frodo's injury had created the need
He was off in a flash, to replenish his stash
And returned with amazing speed

After he toked for a bit
he looked up and said holly shit
I smoked all this weed while my bud was in need
then he fixed his poor butt lickedy splitt

They hurried along on their course
Heading toward the Bruinen source
Along came Glorfin',(but he looked like Arwen)
and put Frodo up on his or her horse

Frodo rode to the side like a girl
The pain it had made his toes curl
for his butt it still wicked hurt. HOW BOUT MAIL
UNDIES NOT SHIRT!
I must talk to my tailor named Earl

He rode to the Ford without fail
A Rider was hot on his tail
He put on the Ring, Got a look at His thing
and into the river he sailed

Then he rode to the other side
wipped out his sword with great pride
mumbled some ancient word, scared the riders like turd
the riders the water they spied

Glorfindel opened his robe with a flash
The riders fled into the water, Splash
The waters did rise, with boulders of size
And came down on their heads with a crash

The riders they ran for the hills
The water the horses it killed
Frodo said they'll be back, then hit the ground like a sack
what a shame his sambuca he spilled

Frodo awoke "what the hell?"
He was safe in Rivendell
With him wasn't an elf, but Gandalf himself
"for a fool, you've done actually quite well"

Done quite well what the hell do you mean?
Im running from that old freakin queen
I stole all of his things, Ouch my butt it still stings.
Im feeling quite haggard and lean.

"Theres someone I'd like you to meet"
She's been lying for days at your feet
Her name it is Mary, See her legs, they're not hairy
Her voice is quite low, but so sweet

He said you look like my old friend named Larry
His legs where long too but all hairy
She shook her head and said faken , you must be mistaken
The old fart just said my names Mary

Just then Elrond came into the room
Seeing Mary, his face turned to gloom
He remembered the sights, Now unforgetable nights
that he spent at her Crack of Doom

Fromm the room he started retreatin
said come on guys lets go have a meetin
Frodo sat up with a start, and out slipped a fart
For his butt hole was all stretced the creatin

--
This sig is umop apisdn.

A healthy one... (none / 0) (#167)
by knickknack on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 12:01:52 AM EST

There once was a health nut from Leeds
Who ate nothing but wheat grass and seeds
He fell down a well
Yelling, "Oh, what the hell,
I could have just ate what I pleased!"

--------------------
Vaguely recollected from a book...


Two nice ones (none / 1) (#169)
by scorchio on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 07:28:42 AM EST

As Titian was mixing rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Sugggested coition
So he ran up the ladder and had her

And...

There was a young student at John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans
"Pray sir," said the porter
"please take my daughter,
"the swans are reserved for the dons."

Lawyerly one (none / 0) (#170)
by scorchio on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 07:32:20 AM EST

There was a young lawyer named Rex,
Who had a diminutive organ of sex,
Charged with indecent exposure,
He replied with composure,
de minimus non curat lex!

Biscuit (none / 0) (#173)
by squee on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 03:10:26 PM EST

There was a young man named Paul
who went to a fancy-dress ball
he decided to risk it
and went as a biscuit
but a dog ate him up in the hall

Sparta (none / 0) (#174)
by squee on Wed Aug 11, 2004 at 03:12:02 PM EST

There was once a man from Sparta
who was a truly magnificent farter
on the stenght of one bean
he'd fart God Save the Queen
and Beethovens Moonlight Sonata

I'll leave the Limericks about the man from Nantucket to others.  

OoOoO (none / 0) (#176)
by andr0meda on Fri Aug 13, 2004 at 04:27:48 AM EST

Brace yourselves for tonight, Something spectacular is about to start, It's the olympics games, Where honour and fame, Are for those who can win our hearts.

Do not be afraid of the void my friend, is it not merely the logical next step?
Some new Nethack Limericks (none / 1) (#177)
by djabji on Fri Aug 13, 2004 at 05:03:08 AM EST

There once was a wizard from Yendor
Whose Jewels were so full of splendor
To a young Valkyrie
"Fetch" was Oden's decree
But Mjollnir, he would not lend her

A girl, once from Valhalla
Was fighting some orcs in a hall, ja?
Her hitpoints were low
She had no place to go
So she prayed till her stomache was full, ja?


Street Limmericks (none / 0) (#178)
by joemorse on Fri Aug 13, 2004 at 10:52:31 AM EST

I submitted this as part of an assignment in a high school creative writing class once. The project actually got me a good grade :)

Red was a ho on the street
Ten bucks and you could feel her heat
Any time, any place
She'd sit on your face
A cheap lay...and something to eat
<insert Andrew Dice Clay "Ohhhhhhhh!" here>



Now let's you just drop them pants!
       -Don Job, from Deliverance
!:o (none / 0) (#180)
by efinkelnburg on Mon Aug 16, 2004 at 02:33:10 AM EST

there once was a lady named lenore
who'd lie on a rug on the floor
in a way so uncanny
she'd wiggle her fanny
and drain your balls dry to the core.

A couple of faves (none / 0) (#181)
by werner on Mon Aug 16, 2004 at 08:56:21 AM EST

There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
"I think someone's coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

There was a young man from Eau Claire
Who was enjoying his girl on the stair
On the forty-fourth stroke
The bannister broke
So he finished her off in mid-air

And one I penned myself:
There was a young lady from China
With a lighthouse stuck up her vagina
All through the night
It shone through her tights
It was very easy to find her

./a.out (none / 1) (#182)
by pizzza on Tue Aug 17, 2004 at 08:07:38 PM EST

/*
int main paren int argc
comma char pointer pointer argv
paren curly printf paren quote weeee
backslash n quote paren semi
return zero semi curly
*/

--
parseerror.com
Winner (none / 0) (#184)
by BobTheMighty on Sat Aug 21, 2004 at 02:22:20 PM EST

The best one ever
-
I'll try not to confuse you more than absolutely necessary
[ Parent ]
Lets see if you like this..... (none / 1) (#185)
by psehgal on Tue Aug 24, 2004 at 01:03:44 AM EST

There was a man called Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "I admit I am a bit of a shit But think of the money I save

Vital Truncation... (none / 0) (#186)
by neurothing on Wed Aug 25, 2004 at 06:32:41 PM EST

A young time traveller named Brist
Went through time with a flick of his wrist
Without any bother
He killed his grandfather
And found that he didn't exi



But in the mud and scum of things There always, always something sings --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Meta-Limerick (none / 1) (#188)
by cbm on Sat Aug 28, 2004 at 04:11:53 PM EST

A light-hearted doggerel verse
Whose second line rhymes with the first
The third and the fourth
are much shorter, of course
and the fifth line is always the worst

[I've seen this attributed to Mike Farren.]

Limerick for a delicate subject (none / 0) (#189)
by asetnil on Fri May 13, 2005 at 12:44:43 AM EST

You might find the author of 'the lady named Bright' in Martin Gardner's 'Relativity for the million', that is where I encountered the limerick. Perhaps the biggest boost to the limerick in modern times was the delicate subject of John Bobbit's...loss. Nice slice said her friends at the bar He's not fit for feathers and tar Sweet dear if you fear it By all means shear it But don't throw trash from your car Of his conquests how proudly he'd sing Lucky ladies, that sort of thing But John wasn't stag Twas his wife heard the brag So she sent him on one final fling

The Great K5 Limerick Contest | 189 comments (177 topical, 12 editorial, 0 hidden)
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