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Joggers: Mad Bastards? or Major Contributors to the End of Life as We Know It?

By spirit of chaos in Culture
Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 09:08:56 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

An erudite monograph on a social problem that is endemic throughout the British Isles


Picture the scene. It is January, 5pm in the evening and it has been raining, sleeting and snowing all day in random succession. It is so cold that even the brass monkeys have got fed up of searching for their lost naughty bits and gone indoors. You are in your car, driving, desperately trying to make it home without sliding sideways into a ditch on the black ice that has been buffed to extra slipperiness by the heavy, oil coated tyres of local buses and delivery vans.

Through your frozen windscreen you spot something moving in your headlights, up, down, up, down, up, down it goes, just a little white flash up ahead. As you get nearer the flashing, bouncing objects get slightly clearer. What you are seeing are the pale, knobbly, tortured knees of a jogger, a jogger in a black top, a black cap, black trainers and black shorts on one of the blackest, coldest nights of the year.

As you drive past, you resist the urge to lower your window and shriek, “Go home you Mad Bastard!” and instead, you muse upon what you have seen.

1. The ‘Jogger' is outside on the coldest night of the year with only the flimsiest of clothing to protect its body and absolutely nothing on its legs. This inevitably leads to the following conclusions, it is either:-

  • An M.B. whose body is overdosing on adrenalin and therefore cannot feel the inevitable onset of hypothermia. This of course is nothing to worry about, simply an example of natural selection at work
  • An alien invader, foreign super spy or mutant life-form that is unaffected by the cold and has chosen this most inconspicuous of forms in which to spy out our secrets and send the information via transmitters in their kneecaps back to the mothership. This is of course very worrying and you should ring your local police station at once.

2. The ‘Jogger' is out at night wearing the darkest clothing known to man, occasionally offset by trainers with ‘lights' in the soles. This inevitably leads to the following conclusions, it is either:-

  • An M.B. that bought their running clothes thinking ‘dirt won't show up on black', rather than ‘I won't show up in black', something that their parents and schoolteachers had been trying to drum into them from birth. This of course is nothing to worry about, simply an example of natural selection at work.
  • An alien invader, foreign super spy or mutant human taking care to be inconspicuous so they can spy out our secrets without being seen, that occasionally needs to power up their state of the art equipment with the light emitting generators in their shoes. This is of course very worrying and you should ring your local police station at once.

3. The ‘Jogger' spends every night, and probably a lot of their mornings too, bouncing up and down on tarmac and other rigid surfaces, the resulting action shaking and bouncing their internal organs, stretching and straining their muscles and weakening their bones. This inevitably leads to the following conclusions, it is either:-

  • An M.B. that doesn't care if their internal organs including their testes/uterus are bounced up and down and squashed, while suffering other nasty strains and sprains, so long as they get their endorphin fix. This of course is nothing to worry about, simply an example of natural selection at work.
  • An alien invader, foreign super spy or mutant human whose body is designed with titanium bones and shock absorbers that allow it to travel huge distances to infiltrate local communities, sowing the seeds of panic and sedition as they go. This is of course very worrying and you should ring your local police station at once.

As you leave the puffing, plodding figure behind you, and skid around the next sharp corner back to your warm, safe home, you will, like everyone else who has encountered this chilling phenomena, be struck with doubts.

Was it an M.B. or something infinitely more sinister?

Will it subdue the Earth's population with its devastating death-ray or just leave a sweaty stain on the first bench it sits on?

Until we finally manage to capture one of these creatures in the wild and dissect it, we will never know for certain, but until then don't lose heart, be vigilant. After all, M.B. or Alien Invader: neither enjoys being hit in the face by a wet kipper.

______________________________

Glossary

Hypothermia: a decrease in the core body temperature to a level at which normal muscular and cerebral functions are impaired. For obvious reasons this is very difficult to diagnose in M.B.s

Mothership: a humungous spaceship that hangs in the sky above the earth. It is occupied not only by a primed and eager alien army, but also by all the people that have been abducted from mid-America over the past 50 years. Invisible to all radar, telescopes and early warning devices, it is ready at a moment's notice to enter the atmosphere and hover over the Eiffel Tower, Red Square, the White House or Big Ben with a red double-decker bus passing in front of it. However, despite its size and armaments, it is vulnerable to the common cold and Apple PowerBooks.

M.B.: Mad Bastard

Death-ray: usually to be found on a Mothership (see above) or convenient nearby asteroid. This large plastic cylinder has been sprayed silver and mounted on a box with lots of interesting buttons and a fuzzy screen. When pointed at a planet, one of the large red buttons is pressed and a beam of orange light envelops the planet making the inhabitants writhe in pain and anguish until the hero beats up the bad guy and fires his 'ray-gun' at it blowing it to pieces.

Cucumber Vodka: Nothing to do with the monograph but worthy of a mention in its own right

______________________________

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Poll
Are 'Joggers'
o M.B.s 17%
o Alien Invaders 8%
o Sane, healthy human beings 22%
o Something even more frightening than sane, healthy human beings 51%

Votes: 68
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by spirit of chaos


Display: Sort:
Joggers: Mad Bastards? or Major Contributors to the End of Life as We Know It? | 80 comments (62 topical, 18 editorial, 0 hidden)
Joggers Increase Entropy (2.62 / 8) (#2)
by thelizman on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 08:02:16 AM EST

These so-called 'health nuts' are actually accelerating the demise of the universe, and putting the solar system at risk. By consuming resources and then converting energy, they are increasing entropy in our local space-time by an order of magnitude. Because of them we are all of us doomed.
--

"Our language is sufficiently clumsy enough to allow us to believe foolish things." - George Orwell
Go, joggers, go! (nt) (none / 0) (#15)
by cburke on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 04:00:44 PM EST



[ Parent ]
not quite (none / 0) (#57)
by Souhait on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 02:08:15 PM EST

It's not an order of magnitude by any means. Running uses 3-5 times as much energy consumption as watching to tv - there's a reason jogging an hour every day doesn't double your energy consumption.

[ Parent ]
I know it's bewildering to the typical Englishman (2.88 / 9) (#6)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 12:46:26 PM EST

accustomed to a life of pints, fags and buggery, or to a hotline geek who's biggest effort is moving stacks of CDRs with pirated movies and mp3s and warez on them, but some people enjoy taking care of the gift of the body Our Lord has given us. You may want to even try exercise, it's a far healther high than E, 2C12, porn or whatever sick stuff you people do.

I tend to stick to Tippex myself (none / 0) (#14)
by spirit of chaos on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 03:27:54 PM EST

If jogging is such good exercise compared to walking, cycling or other lower impact, more social stuff. Why did almost every Gold medal winning runner over the age of about eighteen at the olympics have to thank their 'Medical Team' at least once during their victory interview.

[ Parent ]
Your lord (1.50 / 2) (#21)
by The Distinguished Reginald T Sackworth on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 03:08:55 AM EST

Some of us don't go in for that bullshit.

[ Parent ]
I'd have thought (none / 0) (#31)
by livus on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 06:36:09 PM EST

that you'd be against excercise for artificial reasons. Exercise should have meaning and purpose, else it's mere vanity.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Modern life has removed a lot of work (3.00 / 2) (#32)
by Adam Rightmann on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 07:08:21 PM EST

we used to do. Most of us no longer chop wood to keep warm and cook, plow fields to grow our food, or build or own houses. We need to compensate for this, and working out at the YMCA in modest clothing is a decent way to do that.

[ Parent ]
the devil finds work for idle hands (none / 1) (#44)
by livus on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 06:36:53 PM EST

so I see your point.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Modern life also pollutes and creates poverty (none / 1) (#55)
by justinw on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 12:40:03 PM EST

If you have spare energy to burn, isn't that just more energy that you can give to the hungry, thirsty, sick, elderly, and imprisoned??

Are you using all of your resources as efficiently as possible?  Disposable anything is a waste, and if you say it saves you time, why are you spending time at the YMCA then?

[ Parent ]

most gym memberships do have guest passes [nt] (none / 0) (#67)
by sbash on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 09:54:32 PM EST



|_
"Eating curry with the boys? You must be British or boring" - Stinky Bottoms
[ Parent ]
Time is money, (none / 0) (#70)
by justinw on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 10:45:25 PM EST

and so is that energy you're burning at the gym.  Why not use that energy at a soup kitchen, or in youth ministry, or building a house for a homeless person?

[ Parent ]
I do not think your gym membership will allow (none / 0) (#72)
by sbash on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 10:59:58 PM EST

you to do such things with it. However, if you are building houses, you most likely do not need a gym membership. And I fully understand what you say, I am all for helping the community. Howver, I disagree; time is not money, nor is the energy I burn at the gym. Such things are far more valuable to me than money. If anything, the excercise I get at the gym gives me more vitality and more pep to do the things the would benefit others.

|_
"Eating curry with the boys? You must be British or boring" - Stinky Bottoms
[ Parent ]
energy=energy (none / 0) (#76)
by justinw on Fri Jan 28, 2005 at 12:14:39 AM EST

Isn't there something you can do that expends the same amount and type of energy that working out at the gym does, which is more productive and more other-focused?

How is it that you need to burn energy in a gym to create energy for more worthy endeavours?  Even if it's about the enorphine high that motivates you to be more proactive with the rest of your life, can't you get that endorphine high from more productive "exercise"?  In fact, why "exercise" when the real thing (LIFE) is begging for your attention?

(just playing devil's advocate here:  I frequent the gym and the running routes plenty myself, but I feel selfish and self-involved in doing so)

[ Parent ]

Our lord ? (2.50 / 2) (#43)
by TheMgt on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 03:56:51 PM EST

Vader gave you a body ? Who was it ?

[ Parent ]
I tried it (none / 0) (#52)
by Fred_A on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 10:49:18 AM EST

Some time ago (ok, years ago, when I was 20, or maybe 25) I jogged for an hour a day for about two months.

It was the most boring and mind numbing experience ever. Nothing can compete with aimlessly running in terms of sheer boredom, watching daytime TV doesn't even come close.

Nowadays I move around on my bicycle to get a bit of exercise. The main difference it that I have a destination and that I can easily stop, go to some interesting place or whatever. Things you can't do when you run (because of the funny looks you get when you go anywhere in jogging gear).

I still believe joggers must have been abused when they were kids or something...

Fred in Paris
[ Parent ]

Joggers (3.00 / 4) (#8)
by John Thompson on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 01:24:18 PM EST

What torques my 'nards is that so many joggers around here insist on jogging in the street, even when there is a perfectly good sidewalk with not a soul in sight using it. What is this compulsion to jog in the traffic? They certainly must be aware that they are not vehicles. Maybe a death-wish fantasy?

So, here I am riding my reflectorized, halogen lighted bicycle home from work in the dark, trying to avoid ice and debris without straying from the 3-foot wide bike lane lest I go under the wheels of a semi rig, when what do I see but the very same jogger you described. The sidewalk's not good enough for this Running God -- it's up to me to slam on the binders and hope I don't hit a patch of ice before I hit the jogger, while trying to ring my bell to alert His Lordship of my presence. No use -- there's an iPod firmly planted over his ears. Somehow I manage to slow to match His Lordship's pace and squeeze past in a momentary break in the traffic -- naturally, he's jogging right down the middle of the already-narrow bike lane.

One of these days I'll end up creaming him.



The reason (3.00 / 6) (#11)
by Sgt York on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 02:48:54 PM EST

Joggers often run on the asphalt (tarmac, whatever) because concrete is a lot harder. The shock of impact going through the bones can be damaging (esp to the knees), and jogging on a softer surface minimizes this.

However, when asphalt gets really cold, the benefit is gone because the asphalt gets just as hard. So if there's ice on the road, he's just doing it out of habit or because he doesn't know that the benefit is gone.

Damn, don't you people have jogging trails? I don't do it anymore, but jogging through a tree-filled park, with lakes, ducks, squirrels, and landscaping is MUCH more enjoyable than jogging next to hurtling semis.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

But but but but... (none / 0) (#38)
by Lacero on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 06:56:34 AM EST

They jog on the road because they think there's LESS chance of them getting hurt?

M.B. is a good name.

[ Parent ]

Another answer (none / 1) (#16)
by Mr.Surly on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 04:10:43 PM EST

Since sidewalks are rarely as well maintained as roadways, most joggers don't want to break their ankle when running on a sidewalk that's tilted and broken by tree roots.  Not to mention curbs.

[ Parent ]
Also (none / 1) (#28)
by rusty on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 12:47:43 PM EST

Sidewalks tend to be narrow and twisty and just sort of feel confining. I always like the road better. Of course, I tend to run late at night in a place with basically no residents. Traffic is when there's two cars at one of the three stop signs. I don't really understand people who jog in places with a lot of traffic.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
RUSTY! (none / 0) (#39)
by ShiftyStoner on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 12:21:13 PM EST

So are you a R.M.B. or some sort of alien/mutant bent on humanities destruction.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler
[ Parent ]
What (none / 0) (#40)
by rusty on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 12:39:06 PM EST

Since when is it impermissible for alien/mutants bent on humanity's destruction to also enjoy a good aerobic workout?

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
I just (none / 0) (#42)
by ShiftyStoner on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 02:35:48 PM EST

wanted you to dmit it that's all.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler
[ Parent ]
Break in concentration (none / 0) (#37)
by Pkchukiss on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 12:56:07 AM EST

For me, running on islands of sidewalks seperated from each other by minor offsets from the road breaks my concentration, so I try to avoid it whenever it is possible. The good news is I have a jogging track near my house, so I don't run on the road. Keeps all that combustion waste products away from my lungs too.

________________
Ignorant no more
My blog
[ Parent ]
Ahh. Yes. Concentration. (none / 0) (#50)
by bunsen on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 01:02:02 AM EST

Yeah, I can see that "left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot" requires a lot of mental effort, what with moving the arms at the same time and all. You wouldn't want to interrupt that for something as trivial as avoiding giant speeding chunks of steel and death.

---
Do you want your possessions identified? [ynq] (n)
[ Parent ]
Just how fat are you? (nt) (none / 0) (#53)
by Mr.Surly on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 11:03:06 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Concentration (none / 0) (#56)
by rusty on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 01:29:11 PM EST

The concentration is necessary to withstand the pain. The actual mechanics of running pretty much take care of themselves once you get warmed up.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
Not around here (3.00 / 4) (#17)
by cburke on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 06:31:52 PM EST

Joggers don't dare venture onto the streets.  Natural selection took care of them, as opposed to drivers learning to avoid joggers. Just like in other things, different solutions can arise in different places.  Here, the drivers can already barely grasp the concept of lanes, so the path of minimal change was for joggers to use the sidewalks, and avoid the many streets without.

[ Parent ]
Good Reason (none / 1) (#49)
by scheme on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 10:09:24 PM EST

What torques my 'nards is that so many joggers around here insist on jogging in the street, even when there is a perfectly good sidewalk with not a soul in sight using it. What is this compulsion to jog in the traffic? They certainly must be aware that they are not vehicles. Maybe a death-wish fantasy?

The reason is that the streets get plowed while sidewalks may or may not get cleared. Hence there is a smaller chance of running into a patch of ice, mounds of snow, etc in the road.


"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." --Albert Einstein


[ Parent ]
I'm with you and I'm a jogger (none / 1) (#63)
by mpalczew on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 01:47:04 AM EST

As a jogger what really pisses me off is the neighbors that block the sidewalk.  There's the guys who own 6 cars and fell that the sidewalk is a fine place to park.  There's the guys that park with the right half of their car totally blocking the sidewalk like as if there isn't enough space on the road.  There the people that let their trees grow their thin branches at eye level into the sidewalk area.  There's the guy with the giant shrub which he refuses to ever trim.  Theres the other guy with the "only in america" sized 96 gallon waste container and guess where it is everyday.  

Yeah people encroach on spaces they shouldn't all the time because everyone lives in their own little world and no one else matters.  That's how it has always been and I see nothing indicating any change.

Whatever jogger you almost creamed probably thinks you are the jerk.  Even though jogging on the side of a street with headphones on seams like a dumb idea to me.
-- Death to all Fanatics!
[ Parent ]

He Was Running the Wrong Way Too (none / 0) (#74)
by unknownlamer on Thu Jan 27, 2005 at 03:15:10 PM EST

One that that pisses me off is that pedestrians are supposed to walk in the opposite direction of vehicles so that they can see and avoid them.

You should have hit him. And then sued him for walking the wrong way and causing you to be injured.



--
<vladl> I am reading the making of the atomic bong - modern science
[ Parent ]
You think they're crazy for jogging (2.66 / 3) (#9)
by Kasreyn on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 01:51:07 PM EST

I think you're crazy for living in that country at all. Brrr!

Now I'm off to work, in my shirtsleeves with my window down... go Florida! [/gloat]


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
Sniff (none / 0) (#13)
by spirit of chaos on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 03:15:31 PM EST

It can occasionally get above freezing in Summer... honest

[ Parent ]
Florida (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by aakin on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 03:10:30 AM EST

Hey. Atleast his house (or parts thereof) won't randomly go flying off several hundred feet in any given direction.

[ Parent ]
Hurricanes? bah (none / 0) (#36)
by Kasreyn on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 12:11:19 AM EST

I happen to live in an area of Florida that is very rarely hit by hurricanes. I weathered all 4 without a scratch (though with a few scary moments of huddling in blackened rooms while the primeval blast threatened to deafen me). The only problem is that my apartment will be underwater in 20 years or less. But I plan to move by then.
"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
meh (none / 0) (#60)
by Cloud Cuckoo on Tue Jan 25, 2005 at 12:56:00 AM EST

You can practically walk through one. Mind the poor quarters though, lotsa redneck debris to get impaled with.

[ Parent ]
True FL story (none / 1) (#51)
by jolly st nick on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 08:25:13 AM EST

I was in Tallahasee on business with the state government. My buddy and I get back from the offices to our hotel, and we decide to look for the funky part of town to get dinner. Tallahasee is a small city that hosts two universities with a combined enrollment of 50,000.

After driving around town for a couple of hours, the funkiest part of town we found was a coffee shop and newstand near the FSU campus. So we ended up eating at our hotel. I mentioned we had spent almost three hours driving around looking for the bohemian quarter, and the waitress, obviously a student, gasped.

"We have one of those?" she asked eagerly.

"Nope, sorry."

I spend a great deal of time in FL, and this is the quintessential FL experience for the visiting businessman: driving hours and hours through a sprawl of pawn shops, malls and establishments providing services like auto glass replacement.

There are of course bright spots. Tarpon Springs is worth a visit; Key West is fun for a few days. Gainesville is everything you'd want from a college town. South Beach is amusing for a few hours. But by large, Florida's attractions are the beaches and the fishing. I'm sure it's fine for people living there, but I'll take Manhattan any day.

[ Parent ]

the vast majority of florida is..... (none / 0) (#59)
by Cloud Cuckoo on Tue Jan 25, 2005 at 12:53:59 AM EST

a conglomeration of chain restraints, dilapidated gas station, auto dealers, and palm tree infested detritus. I've lived here most my life and in different cities...Its damn melancholy I tells ya.

[ Parent ]
Well look on the bright side (none / 0) (#62)
by jolly st nick on Tue Jan 25, 2005 at 06:19:37 PM EST

Everyone is not fat and pasty looking at the beach.

[ Parent ]
i went running in nyc today (3.00 / 2) (#19)
by circletimessquare on Fri Jan 21, 2005 at 11:18:10 PM EST

13 degrees F (-11 C)

along the east river, the seastreak ferry went by and kicked up a big wake, which splashed against the seawall, kicking up some seaspray, which hit me

brrr.. my nuts have never crawled deeper into abdominal cavity


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

Calgary, AB (none / 1) (#23)
by The Distinguished Reginald T Sackworth on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 03:11:06 AM EST

I've seen people here running in -30c. Though I must admit I've never had the balls to run in more than -5.

[ Parent ]
-10F (3.00 / 4) (#27)
by rusty on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 12:43:50 PM EST

The coldest I've ever gone running in was -10 F. I brought along my driver's license so that if I slipped and broke an ankle or something, they could identify the body.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
I keep losing ID cards (none / 0) (#61)
by Cloud Cuckoo on Tue Jan 25, 2005 at 12:59:12 AM EST

     And its damn annoying to replace them. I just sucked it one day and carved my license  and student number into my chest with a thumbtack. It works out when I feel like naked outdoors recreation.

[ Parent ]
Somehow I knew... (none / 0) (#66)
by mcgrew on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 06:07:56 PM EST

That you were a jogger. Something about how nutzoid most of your posts are.

"my nuts have never crawled deeper into abdominal cavity"

As SOC said, "simply an example of natural selection at work."

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

Stop with the stupid Farenheight crap (none / 0) (#75)
by rodentboy on Thu Jan 27, 2005 at 04:25:26 PM EST

No one know what you are talking about.



[ Parent ]
summertime (2.50 / 2) (#25)
by aakin on Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 03:44:24 AM EST

I have seen a very similar thing in the summer time. Joggers running along, sweating up a storm in the hundred degree heat. Once I drove to the store, passed an old woman jogging along, and on my way back, saw her passed out at the side of the road with an ambulance crew working her over. I don't understand it.

consider perhaps (none / 1) (#58)
by Cloud Cuckoo on Tue Jan 25, 2005 at 12:47:18 AM EST

she was being chased by evil demons. Neglecting philosophy 101 back in her highschool days she knew of no way to rationalize her existence in their presence. So she fled at the briskest pace her aged body could handle. They eventually got her....with metaphysics.

[ Parent ]
That one's easy!!! (none / 1) (#69)
by jd on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 10:41:51 PM EST

It's so obvious. Black top, black shoes... Think! These people are absorbing solar radiation in enormous quantities. The soles of the shoes, or some part of them, is likely white. This allows the solar radiation to be concentrated and re-emitted over a very small area.

Now, we must look at jogging itself. This is an activity which involves a series of violent impacts on the ground. Anyone familiar with the history of naval warfare will know that it was common practice in medieval naval combat to fire the cannons in sequence, rather than simultaneously, as the shockwaves would then reinforce each other, creating far more devastation than the cannonballs themselves.

Quite clearly, these are aliens from a distant galaxy who are part of the advance landing force. They are attempting to use the combination of heat injection and chains of impacts to smooth the roads, thus bankrupting the car repair industry. This will enable the invasion fleet to use the abandoned buildings as landing points.

[ Parent ]

I for one... (1.00 / 4) (#46)
by pdboddy on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 07:20:19 PM EST

... welcome our new jogging overlords.
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast and easy.
You for one... (none / 0) (#48)
by student on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 08:21:20 PM EST

... will be eaten by our new jogging overlords, as fuel for their entropising obsession.  Then they will become cheap, fast, and easy.

Is entropising a word?

いいい
Simon's Rock College of Bard, a college for younger scholars.
[ Parent ]

Hmmm. (none / 0) (#68)
by jd on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 10:32:23 PM EST

Entropising (n):

An Enterprise that has been subject to a combination of unchecked entropy and the defecations of senior management.

[ Parent ]

Cold (none / 0) (#47)
by student on Sun Jan 23, 2005 at 08:16:39 PM EST

Personally, I find jogging painful.  For several days afterwards.  This one of the reasons I swim, and very rarely go out doors.  No one seems to grasp that since I don't go outside for more than a few minutes each day, I don't need to wear warm clothes.  I'm constantly harassed by people asking me if I'm cold.  I make lots of snide remarks about central heating at this time of year.

いいい
Simon's Rock College of Bard, a college for younger scholars.
eco-friendly ;) (none / 0) (#54)
by PigleT on Mon Jan 24, 2005 at 11:46:07 AM EST

>  I don't need to wear warm clothes

Um yeah. I've shed a layer today and I've had to turn up the heating to compensate. Just think of all the extra pollution I'm causing now :)
~Tim -- We stood in the moonlight and the river flowed
[ Parent ]

Err... (none / 0) (#79)
by student on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 11:07:51 PM EST

I don't set the temperature at school.


いいい
Simon's Rock College of Bard, a college for younger scholars.
[ Parent ]
Slight nit and basement workouts (none / 0) (#64)
by chewie on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 12:21:03 PM EST

"...stretching and straining their muscles and weakening their bones..."

I believe you meant cartilage, not bone. ;-) Bones rebuild themselves once every 10 years. Cartilage isn't as lucky, and running is hell on your joints.

That being said, I'm one of those R.M.B. who doesn't go out when it's below 0 F (-18 C). I've been a bastard non-runner since before Christmas as a result and cannot motivate myself to get up in the morning any more.

Monday, my father-in-law dumped his old treadmill on us, and we set it up in the basement. The only problem with this is that the basement has a 7' ceiling. I'm 6'2" and the treadmill at its lowest incline is at least 6". The floor joists are 2"x8" and about 12" apart (not the standard 16" on-center), so I can jog between two of them if I'm careful. Other than the danger of smacking my skull on the floor joists, I have no more excuses to skip running.

jogging (none / 0) (#71)
by peter318200 on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 10:53:24 PM EST

you bastard! i got to the death ray bit and sprayed coffee all over my lap top screen if i lived in the states id sue

[ Parent ]
My theory... (none / 1) (#65)
by mcgrew on Wed Jan 26, 2005 at 05:58:35 PM EST

They're not health nuts. As you point out, jogging is very bad for you. In fact, after knee surgery, my ex wife was told by her therapist that nobody should run unless they're being chased by a ravenous animal (e.g., what you fellows call "constables"). Especially, she said, if you have no "Y" chromosomes. Something to do wth the fact that the human male skeleton is designed for running after wooly mammoths, while the human female skeleton is designed to lift and carry.

I worked with one of these strange creatures. Joggers, I mean, not therapists. Even so, I'm still not sure they're actually human. Joggers and therapists alike.

Endorphins are caused by pain. It's said they jog for the endorphins caused by the pain. This is why they jog along (or in) the roadway wearing black - being hit by a car is very painful and would, of course, release a large amount of endorphins.

So the next time you see one of these mad bastards/outworld aliens, swerve and hit them! It is, after all, the Christian thing to do.

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie

I just want to say thank you. (none / 0) (#73)
by Harvey Anderson on Thu Jan 27, 2005 at 08:49:10 AM EST

I knew from the moment I read the title of your piece that I was in for a hilarious dork story full of cleverness and intelligence!  I wasn't disappointed.

Wow, and that mothership thing about that Independence Day movie (g0d h0w l4m3333!#!*) was just priceless!

Maybe sometime we can get together sometime, have a few beers (we're d0rks but we're cooler with beers l0l0l0l0l0l) and quote Monty Python at each other for a while!

The origin of Brass Monkeys. (none / 0) (#77)
by brain in a jar on Mon Jan 31, 2005 at 07:48:22 AM EST

A while back I asked a friend (who had been in the Royal Navy) exactly where the phrase brass monkeys, or the :balls falling off the brass monkeys" comes from.

Apparently in the old days the iron cannonballs used to be kept on brass trays which were known as monkeys. In very cold conditions the differences in the rates of thermal expansion/contraction of the two metals would mean that the "brass monkey" was no longer large enough to hold the cannonballs and they would fall off.

Of course with the phrase being about balls, and monkeys, people tend to use it as a colourful metaphor about monkeys losing their testicles, but the real origin is a little more obscure.


Life is too important, to be taken entirely seriously.

Apparently your mate talks shit (none / 0) (#78)
by it certainly is on Mon Jan 31, 2005 at 11:14:12 PM EST

bzzzt.

kur0shin.org -- it certainly is

Godwin's law [...] is impossible to violate except with an infinitely long thread that doesn't mention nazis.
[ Parent ]

Unbelieveable! (none / 0) (#80)
by twinsens on Sat Jul 23, 2005 at 01:37:17 AM EST

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Joggers: Mad Bastards? or Major Contributors to the End of Life as We Know It? | 80 comments (62 topical, 18 editorial, 0 hidden)
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