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[P]
Yet another reason I'm single

By froggerwood in Culture
Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 09:17:24 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

I cooked up an excellent batch of spaghetti sauce today, resplendent with italian sausage and garlic, and was reminded of a spring night about 10 years ago when I'd cooked up a similiar batch in anticipation of generating some fire in a cool redhead named "Terri". I'd met her the week before.


We met one evening while I out shooting pool and we agreed to get together for some coffee. That had gone quite nicely. I invited her over to my place for some spaghetti and a video the next night. She accepted. I was pleased.

At the time I was renting a little farm house out in the country and was living there alone except for my dog, a goofy black lab named "Nick". A great setting for a romantic interlude.

The sauce was simmering away that afternoon, smelling great, when Nick pawed the door wanting in. As she came in I noticed she'd somehow cut the tip of her tail and a steady stream of blood was flowing from it. I'd never known the tip of a dog's tail was that richly supplied with blood. I grabbed for her collar so I could haul her to the bathroom to apply some first aid and save the livingroom carpet.

Nick was absolutey overjoyed that we were going to play! She sprang back, wagging her tail wildly in doggy joy. Thick streak after streak of blood struck the walls, the lampshade, my shirt; and oozed slowly down. A CSI wetdream! In horror I sprang at her. More doggy fun!

It took a minute or two to corral her, then I finally got her into the bathroom and shut the door on the both of us to keep her in. After a couple miinutes of wrestling in there, trying to figure out appropriate first aid for the tip of a dog's tail, I decided to make a quick check on the simmering sauce to make sure the sauce wasn't boiling over.

Did I mention I hadn't closed the door after letting Nick in the house? Well, I stepped out of the bathroom, sweaty with plenty of blood streaking my shirt, and found Terri had let herself in. She was looking around the livingroom watching fresh blood drip down the walls and furniture. She heard the bathroom door close, turned, and saw me. The look on her face left me a little speechless and all I could really say was, "It's my dog..."

We never really did hit it off after that.

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Yet another reason I'm single | 59 comments (50 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
Good, but could be better (2.23 / 17) (#2)
by Lanes Inexplicably Closed to Traffic on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 09:18:02 PM EST

For example, you could've undercooked some bad sausage accidentally, then, just as you're about to do anal later that night, liquid shit shoots out her ass and covers your chest in a thin film of putrid filth. Embarassment all around!

Dude, liquid diarhea anal is the best. (2.71 / 7) (#7)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 11:41:35 PM EST

You hardly even need to use lube. One suggestion for the amateurs though, never try this if she has eaten jalapenos, it burns like a motherfucker.

--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]
LOL (1.50 / 2) (#38)
by activereflect on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 09:30:57 PM EST

That's a hilarious remark, man!
We are all sluts, cheap products, in someone else's notebook.
[ Parent ]
Could have been worse. (2.90 / 11) (#3)
by forgotten on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 09:48:00 PM EST

She could have been into it.

--

"Worse" in which sense? \nt (none / 0) (#13)
by bob6 on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 05:07:33 AM EST



Cheers.
[ Parent ]
oh, i dunno (2.94 / 17) (#15)
by forgotten on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 05:29:09 AM EST

I suppose she could have pulled a kitten out of her handbag and wrung its neck while enthusing how pleased she was to have found someone to share her daily ritual sacrifice to the Dark Lord. That would have been worse in just about every way, except that the sex might have been pretty good.


--

[ Parent ]

+3 strongly encourage!!! n/t (none / 0) (#36)
by livus on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:55:52 PM EST



---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
+1, Made me smile (2.75 / 4) (#5)
by k31 on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 11:01:10 PM EST

Made me smile and laugh.

And surprised me with the ending.

Jolly good show.

Its a little short for k5 though, hope it makes it thru.


Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....

-1, no mysogyny. (1.88 / 9) (#6)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 11:36:54 PM EST



--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
women are like turbochargers (3.00 / 7) (#44)
by frozencrow on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 10:34:52 AM EST

they come in many different shapes and sizes, but the one thing they all have in common is a high-pitched whining sound.

howzat?

[ Parent ]

a good woman is like a good amplifier (3.00 / 5) (#52)
by klem on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 10:48:28 PM EST

if it survives the initial few beatings, it's yours for life.

[ Parent ]
I don't like the title (2.60 / 5) (#12)
by zenador on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 02:04:30 AM EST

It doesn't really make sense, surely you've met some women in the last ten years right? Or do you get screwed over in some strange way every time?

Maybe something like "Why I never got to fuck Terri" would be a better title.

How's Nick doing?

ror (none / 1) (#14)
by forgotten on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 05:10:13 AM EST

i dont know why but i just can't stop laughing even though I have reread this comment several times.


--

[ Parent ]

TOO CLOSE TO THE SCHAIVO INCIDENT (2.50 / 10) (#17)
by Sigismund of Luxemburg on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 06:21:12 AM EST

WOULDN'T WANT TO PULL A LOCAL ROGER
ANONYMISED
[ Parent ]
Well (3.00 / 2) (#19)
by froggerwood on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 08:01:40 AM EST

That's why I named it "Yet another reason...", though I did get to fuck Terrie. We dated for about 3 months. It was just an inauspicious start.

Sadly, Nick died about years ago. She was getting on in years and got cancer. I still miss her quite a bit. She was a great dog.

[ Parent ]

"Um.. about all the blood" (3.00 / 2) (#25)
by zenador on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 03:06:32 PM EST

How'd you get back together with her? Did you call her up the next day or something?

I'm surprised she didn't call the cops on you (or did she?). Here you are living in a shack out in the country and she walks in on you after you've possibly murdered someone. Seems like a pretty reasonable reaction.

Editorial comment:

I would change the last line of the article to indicate that you did infact fuck her.

[ Parent ]

TV Commercial version was better (2.66 / 3) (#20)
by speek on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 08:44:10 AM EST


--
al queda is kicking themsleves for not knowing about the levees

What commercial was that? [NT] (none / 0) (#21)
by froggerwood on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 09:11:28 AM EST



[ Parent ]
typical, can't remember the product it was for (3.00 / 2) (#28)
by speek on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 06:10:07 PM EST

Summary, man in small kitchen cooking spaghetti sauce in big pan while chopping onions with huge-ass cleaver. White fluffy cat jumps on stove, knocks red sauce all over floor, jumps on floor into sauce. Man grabs cat by scruff of neck and lifts out of sauce, still holding cleaver in other hand. Woman walks in door....

--
al queda is kicking themsleves for not knowing about the levees
[ Parent ]

Product (none / 1) (#29)
by nooper on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 06:18:45 PM EST

Ends with "We wont judge you too quick" or something like that. I think it was a mortgage or credit card commercial.

[ Parent ]
Ameriquest mortgage superbowl ad (3.00 / 2) (#54)
by emmons on Sun Jul 17, 2005 at 02:23:14 AM EST

Great ad. As far as I know, they only ran it once. You can watch it here: http://www.ameriquestmortgage.com/resource/microsite/popupblocker.htm

---
In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

[ Parent ]
Yeah really (none / 1) (#27)
by nooper on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 05:16:38 PM EST

An MLP to the video would have been funnier. As a diary.

[ Parent ]
+1FP (2.12 / 8) (#23)
by Nosf3ratu on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 01:57:30 PM EST

Doesn't mention Karl Rove, or that missing white girl.


Woo!
LAWL, SO HYUMERIS. +1 section. (1.00 / 5) (#24)
by Mylakovich on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 02:40:25 PM EST

TEH BEST PART WAS WHEN TEH DOG WAS BLEEDIGN.

I don't know why I find this so funny [nt] (none / 0) (#45)
by maniac1860 on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 01:26:55 PM EST



[ Parent ]
whatever happened to hth? (none / 0) (#51)
by klem on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 10:47:05 PM EST



[ Parent ]
The punchline (none / 0) (#26)
by ferrous on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 05:06:45 PM EST

... and it's nights like these that I can't help but wonder whatever happened to Terri Shiavo.

I see this has a score of 50... (2.18 / 11) (#30)
by WonderJoust on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 06:28:37 PM EST

...I voted -1. But it's looking like it might post. So...

This is not Xanga, this is Kuro5hin. Your crap story about your dog is not something that will generate discussion or even intruiging thought. Hell, it's not even that funny.

It's just crap.

Resect-1on to diary.

_________________________________
i like your style: bitter, without being a complete cunt about it.
-birds ate my face

Yeah (3.00 / 2) (#31)
by froggerwood on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:04:59 PM EST

"This is not Xanga, this is Kuro5hin. Your crap story about your dog is not something that will generate discussion or even intruiging thought. Hell, it's not even that funny."
I'm guessing you fail at seeing the irony in your post, but this doesn't surprise me. I have noted that this board seems to have become a home for trolls and trollbaiting, but I do appreciate your confirmation of this.

It always feels good being right.

[ Parent ]

-1 (none / 1) (#32)
by squigly on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:16:24 PM EST

K5 should not be referred to as a "board"

I'll get into the non-existent kabal one way or another.

[ Parent ]

snork [nt] (none / 0) (#33)
by froggerwood on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:29:23 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Yeah, that's right... (3.00 / 2) (#35)
by D Jade on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:45:43 PM EST

It's more of a table...

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]
Yes (3.00 / 2) (#43)
by LodeRunner on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 03:29:35 AM EST

A round one, even.

---
"dude, you can't even spell your own name" -- Lode Runner
[ Parent ]

With... (3.00 / 2) (#49)
by D Jade on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 09:05:58 PM EST

A lazy susan?

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]
Not all discussion is welcome (none / 1) (#56)
by paranoid on Sun Jul 17, 2005 at 01:13:54 PM EST

You pick on particular choice of words by WonderJoust while ignoring the fact that he has a valid point. His argument is: 1) The purpose of articles posted to Kuro5hin is to generate discussion 2) This article can't do that Ergo, it should not be posted. This is an oversimplification. The more detailed explanation is this: 1) The purpose of articles posted to Kuro5hin is to generate interesting or relevant discussion 2) This article can't do that Ergo, it should not be posted. An editing-related discussion about the fact that a particular article sucks is not interesting, or relevant. If it was, then posting any crap, such as links of free proxies, unedited spam from my inbox, porn stories, tables of logarithms, etc. should be considered appropriate. After all, it will clearly generate a lot of discussion. P.S. You are a fool for not understanding his point and a boor for calling WonderJoust a troll.

[ Parent ]
It was already on diary (2.25 / 4) (#34)
by D Jade on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 07:43:55 PM EST

He posted it here because so many people told him to put it in the queue.

I liked the part where you failed yourself by discussing the fact that the dog won't generate discussion... Very good observation...

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]

You're kidding, right? (3.00 / 2) (#37)
by WonderJoust on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 09:29:38 PM EST

I wasn't DISCUSSING it. I was calling it crap.

If I could put a bigger period after crap, I would.

Maybe it would generate discussion on the failing of public schools in where ever it is the writer is from that he thinks this story would be good content for a discussion site. If that was the grounds, sorry, I missed it amidst the crappyness of it.

I would like to say it was well written though. I like his phrasing and style more than most of what I've seen in the qeue.

Now if he could just work on writing something worth reading.

And I give a shit if a troll said "+1FP OMG IT'S SO AWESOME!!!111oneelevenkitten". Doesn't mean it was a good move.

_________________________________
i like your style: bitter, without being a complete cunt about it.
-birds ate my face
[ Parent ]

Do you.. (none / 0) (#39)
by Magnetic North on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 09:57:51 PM EST

dislike all dogs, or just this one in particular?

It's funny that it's called Nick, btw. I've got a friend that's called Nick, and he's a bit of a dog if you know what I mean.

--
<33333
[ Parent ]
No I'm not (none / 1) (#40)
by D Jade on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 11:30:33 PM EST

I read his diary yesterday and lots of people asked him to post it.

And you are partaking in a discussion about the crappiness of his story. If it wasn't a discussion, we wouldn't be posting back and forth... You mooted your own point by replying... And I agree, the prose is much better than half of the articles that don't make it... I think he should extend it into a short story and resection to fiction.

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]

This story (none / 1) (#41)
by UNITE on Wed Jul 13, 2005 at 11:34:35 PM EST

Is queerer than kitten.

8======A==Proud==Author==of==the==FNH==nastygram==story====D ~~~
so.... (none / 0) (#42)
by Armada on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 02:08:23 AM EST

...whats the special ingredient in the sauce, dear?

I liked it! (none / 0) (#46)
by redqueen on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 02:21:12 PM EST

funny, well written

Best "interesting female" (impersonator): redqueen. - sausalito
Blood everywhere!! (none / 0) (#47)
by JVincent on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 02:26:21 PM EST

I've been through the whole Cut in the tail thing, and I don't think people really belive me when I say the house looked like a murder scene, but the dog just wacked it's tail all happy about the attention it was getting while we tryed to stop the rain of blood resulting for it getting it's tail cut in the door. I however imediatly took it to the wet since from the amount of blood I was certain that a piece of the tail had been cut off. It turned out to be a half inch cut near the tip of the tail, only 3 stiches. I was amassed that such a tine cut could spew so much blood.

I missed the editing (none / 0) (#48)
by pdrap on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 03:44:41 PM EST

But this story would have been much better if it had been written in the style of an Aristocrats joke.


dude (none / 0) (#50)
by klem on Thu Jul 14, 2005 at 10:44:37 PM EST

have you seen the aristocrats documentary? i actually had never heard the joke until i saw this movie and it was amazing.

[ Parent ]
Another reason I don't have pets nt (none / 0) (#53)
by sakusha on Fri Jul 15, 2005 at 12:44:12 AM EST



Very long (none / 1) (#55)
by flaw on Sun Jul 17, 2005 at 02:51:41 AM EST

for such a total lack of actual content. It's also boring. Why did it make section?

--
ピニス, ピニス, everyone loves ピニス!
Uhm, un-related ?? (none / 0) (#57)
by satyr on Tue Jul 19, 2005 at 11:01:42 PM EST


Well IMO this article has nothing to do with the "benefits" of being a single. It's a funny story though.

regards all, satyr

________________

Male, relatively young and relatively well-preserved. :) I see myself as an open-minded person, a critical thinker, rationalist and skeptic.

Hilarious!! (none / 0) (#58)
by Tasha on Sun Jul 31, 2005 at 09:06:03 PM EST

That's one of the most hysterical first date experiences I've ever heard of!! It's totally amazing that she didn't run screaming from your home before you ever got the chance to see her! I can only imagine what must've been going through her mind.

Aww thats sad!! (none / 0) (#59)
by Marvaud on Sun Aug 14, 2005 at 08:31:58 PM EST

Well, as a caring pet owner, I truly sympathize with your plight. Talk about bad timing though. Still, if she was a true animal lover, she would have been understanding. Life is full of surprises that we'd rather not have sometimes.

Yet another reason I'm single | 59 comments (50 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
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