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How To Win At Life

By blue car in Culture
Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 07:21:18 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

Life is a difficult and arduous game to play. There are not many ways to win that don't involve cheating, and most of them involve cheating. But it can be done, and I'm going to show you how. What follows is a definitive guide to how to win at life in the easiest possible way. Also outlined are the criteria for winning, so you will know whether you have won or not. Continuing to try to win after you had already won would mean you had lost.

All great thinkers, including but not limited to Sartre, Jesus, Chairman Mao, and Billy Joel, agree that to win at life one must achieve at least the following objectives:

  • Have sex with twenty chicks at once.
  • Own all the shares on the stock market.
  • Win ten Olympic gold medals.
  • Be hailed as the greatest artist of all time.
  • Bring about world peace.
  • It is clear that to do anything less is to fail miserably and be deserved of slow painful death. But how can you do all these things, you ask? Well it's easier than you might think. You simply have to follow my guide! Read on.

    The first thing you must do if you seriously intend to win at life is find someone win against. There is no point in winning anything unless you beat someone in doing so. Life is a competition, don't forget it. If you forget it, you have lost. Luckily, there is a whole world of schmucks out there who you can beat. Every time you walk down the street remember to think to yourself that everyone you see is a total schmuck and you can beat them easily. You will soon be on your way to winning the terrible, strenuous competition which is life.

    To begin winning at life, you have to have the right attitude. If you don't have the right attitude, you might as well kill yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day with your sternest, angriest expression and say to yourself "I'm gonna win! AAAAAARGH!". Scream it at the top of your voice. Don't worry about your neighbours -- they are schmucks. You may be thinking to yourself, what if your neighbour is also reading this guide to winning and is thinking that you are the schmuck? Forget about it. He's the schmuck. If you forget that you have lost already and might aswell throw yourself in a ditch.

    I cannot stress highly enough how important it is to learn kung-fu. This really is important as not only will it make people admire and respect you, it will give you the necessary skills to beat down your opposition. Believe me, there are many, many people out there who will try to stop you on your long and tiring journey to greatitude and winnerliness, and knowing kung-fu is a sure-fire way to put those bitches back in their place where they belong. All it takes is a few quick punches to the solar plexes and most problems can be solved.

    Learning kung-fu can be as simple as going to a kung-fu class, or even just copying the moves from a Jackie Chan film. There are only three moves in kung-fu which are worth knowing: the punch, the kick, and the grimace. Grimacing is probably the most important because it proves you mean business and are really an expert and a person who should listened to and respected. Most people can already punch and kick pretty well, and adding a kung-fu grimace to your standard punching and kicking is all it takes to make you a bona-fide kung-fu master. You can practice in a mirror. Bare your teeth. Growl at yourself. Learn the noises. Shouting words like "HaI!", "Yaaa!" and "Heeee!" in a Chinese accent is important. You can even try a flying kick if you are feeling ambitious. Don't spend too long learning kung-fu, as spending too long doing something means you have lost.

    Getting multiple chicks to have sex with you might seem difficult for a non-winner, but for a winner it is really easy. Girls love having sex with winners. If you are enough of a winner they won't mind all the other girls having sex with you at the same time because they will be secretly planning to backstab them later. But if getting all the girls to sleep with you is one of the ways to prove you are a winner, and they won't sleep with you until you already are a winner, what is the trick? The trick is your attitude. You have to believe and know you are a winner. If you are not getting enough sex, maybe you aren't screaming loudly enough when you look at yourself in the mirror. Try screaming more loudly and for longer

    If twenty girls seems like a lot, try building up to it gradually. Have sex with two or three girls, for example, then phone some more and ask if they would like to join in. If you don't know the phone numbers of any other girls ask the girls you are already having sex with to phone their friends. You can offer cash incentives if you have to, as well as gifts like chocolates and necklaces. You might think that paying for sex isn't something a winner would do but you can steal the money back afterwards, then you won't have paid. (If you think that stealing isn't something a winner would do, you are wrong. Stealing is part of winning, just like winning is part of stealing. A quick way to become a winner is to shoplift. Go into any shop and pick something up and hide it inside your jacket. Walk out of the shop. Congratulations, you've just won. Against the shop. They were asking for it by putting a shop there and trying to get one over on you).

    If you are a girl you may not see sexual conquest as the path to winnerdom, but may instead believe that marrying a rich man and achieving exalted social status is the way for you to be a winner. Too bad, you've already lost just by being a girl.

    Owning all the shares on the stock market may seem difficult, but if you're going to be a winner, you have to achieve difficult things. It isn't easy becoming a winner. God doesn't just point his finger at you and magically make you a winner. You have to work at it. Hard. You have to sweat. You're going sweat a lot if you want to win. Your clothes will stick to you. You'll stink. Bad. You're going to make people retch. You're going to make them puke. It's all part of being a winner.

    Being a winner is about making money. It is essential that you make money if you want to win. I don't mean you have to make a hundred dollars -- anybody can make a hundred dollars. I could make a hundred dollars by spitting. No, you have to make truly huge amounts of money to have even a chance of qualifying as a winner, more money, in fact, than everybody else in the world combined. Otherwise you will have failed in the most hideous and cataclysmic way. Winners buy houses, yachts and diamonds. Winners get invited to a hundred parties every day either by staggeringly beautiful women or by eminent and incredibly wealthy businessmen, movie stars or kings. But true winners never go to these parties because they do not deign to associate themselves with mere humans. At a stretch, a real winner might talk on the telephone to the pope every once in a while, but that is about it.

    But how do I amass such a vast fortune? I hear you whining. The answer is simple. Armed robbery. Anyone can do it, all it takes is a gun and some guts. If you find you're too frightened, just look in the mirror and scream at the top of your lungs to work up your nerve. Then pull on your balaclava and get on your bike and cycle down to the nearest gas station with your sawn-off shotgun. A few thousand robberies and you will have enough money to start investing in the stock market. This is when the real stealing begins. Take your shotgun along with you to every board meeting and tell everyone to sign all their stock over to you. If anybody refuses, shoot them. Soon you will all own the stock in the world! You will finally be a winner!

    As for winning ten gold medals, that's completely impossible, only some kind of loser would spend years in arduous training, torturing their body, just for a chance of winning a pathetic trinket. Stealing is the only honest way to obtain gold and jewellery. Find some athletes who have won medals and steal them. Athletes are pussies. Just wave your shotgun at them and scream a bit.

    You don't need to achieve world peace or be an artist either, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. Peace is for losers, so is art. Winners like war and fighting! The real way to be a winner is to join a militia and spend all your time watching Chuck Norris videos wearing camouflage and full combat gear, and practicing your scream. If winning means anything to you, this is what you will spend the rest of your life doing.


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    Votes: 36
    Results | Other Polls

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    o Also by blue car

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    How To Win At Life | 41 comments (35 topical, 6 editorial, 0 hidden)
    The World Ends Tomorrow and You May Die! (2.75 / 4) (#1)
    by Kasreyn on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 07:46:33 AM EST

    Have intercourse with a beautiful live girl!!

    It was the bullet points, I swear...

    "Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
    We never asked to be born in the first place."

    R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
    You'd pay to know what you really think! (none / 1) (#8)
    by LilDebbie on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 11:45:59 PM EST

    Offer not valid in JHVH-1 territories.

    My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
    - hugin -

    [ Parent ]
    Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -- overnight! (none / 1) (#13)
    by it certainly is on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 03:39:59 PM EST

    kur0shin.org -- it certainly is

    Godwin's law [...] is impossible to violate except with an infinitely long thread that doesn't mention nazis.
    [ Parent ]

    Where does one buy a balaclava? (2.60 / 5) (#2)
    by An Onerous Coward on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 10:35:37 AM EST

    Ever since this posted,  my apartment complex has seen a marked increase in people screaming and carrying shotguns.  I need to get on this train,  or risk being left behind.  I don't want to be a loser.  So,  suggestions please.  Would an Army/Navy surplus store have them?

    An apt. complex filled with Kuro5hin readers (none / 1) (#6)
    by 1318 on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 03:50:44 PM EST

    what a frightening thought!

    "So then, why don't you die?"-Antisthenes
    [ Parent ]

    Sounds like (3.00 / 2) (#17)
    by BottleRocket on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 01:23:55 AM EST

    ...A bunch of schmucks I can beat.

    $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
    . ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
    $ . . . . .
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
    Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
    $ . . . . .
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
    . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
    . ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
    $B R Σ III$

    [ Parent ]

    It is sometimes scary (2.37 / 8) (#3)
    by ljj on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 10:50:21 AM EST

    To peer into the mind of another human being and see what they find funny. * shivers *


    How can it be scary to see what people find funny? (3.00 / 3) (#4)
    by blue car on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 11:17:23 AM EST

    What is scary is when people take things too seriously!

    [ Parent ]
    Exactly. [nt] (none / 0) (#5)
    by Dont Fear The Reaper on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 01:01:23 PM EST

    [ Parent ]
    What if I found torture funny? That'd be scary. (none / 0) (#15)
    by skim123 on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 09:33:03 PM EST


    Money is in some respects like fire; it is a very excellent servant but a terrible master.
    PT Barnum

    [ Parent ]
    Only if you were serious (none / 1) (#19)
    by blue car on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 02:22:00 AM EST

    about finding it funny.

    [ Parent ]
    Dear blue car (1.50 / 4) (#18)
    by ljj on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 01:52:43 AM EST

    There is taking things too seriously and then there is unintelligent drivel. I leave you to figure out which category this article falls into.

    [ Parent ]

    Oh no!!! (3.00 / 2) (#34)
    by blue car on Fri Jul 08, 2005 at 01:56:55 PM EST

    You called me unintelligent! What the fuck am I going to do? Shoot my fucking brains out?

    [ Parent ]
    hail saint ijj (none / 0) (#40)
    by oe800 on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 03:13:45 PM EST

    You're just taking the author literally so everybody thinks you're a saint.
    Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal. -- http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dwight_D._Eisenhower
    [ Parent ]
    The stock market thing (3.00 / 1) (#9)
    by nkyad on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 03:17:25 AM EST

    The best phrase about it was from Danny DeVitto, in "Other People's Money"(and I quote from memory so it's probably an aproximation): "It's a game, whoever dies with most money wins".

    Don't believe in anything you can't see, smell, touch or at the very least infer from a good particle accelerator run

    a secret I have learned (3.00 / 3) (#10)
    by khallow on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 04:44:54 AM EST

    People are gullible fools and will believe anything you tell them. So if I, for example, claim that I've slept with 20 women at one time {*}, then they will believe me.

    (*) Actually this isn't a lie (**). We're hypothetically assuming that I were lying to fools about this.

    (**) A gentleman doesn't tell.

    Stating the obvious since 1969.

    Part II. (none / 1) (#21)
    by Viliam Bur on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 10:56:03 AM EST

    After some guys will believe you that you have slept with 20 women at one time, just offer to teach them the secrets of irresistable seduction for only $10.000. If they will not succeed with your secret knowledge, that's only their fault, of course...

    [ Parent ]
    Yea (none / 0) (#41)
    by khallow on Sat Jul 30, 2005 at 10:15:00 AM EST

    But don't do that on the first post. ;-)

    Stating the obvious since 1969.
    [ Parent ]

    +1FP, for the following reason: (2.33 / 3) (#14)
    by voodooeskimo on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 09:18:29 PM EST

    "They were asking for it by putting a shop there and trying to get one over on you." Classic.

    I actually have know said 'winners' (2.00 / 1) (#16)
    by SaintPort on Sun Jul 03, 2005 at 11:26:39 PM EST

    ...watching kung fu movies...grimmicing...snagging winner chicks...kung fuing about in the yard...screaming...brandishing weapons....

    -1 Dump it, for reminding me that I share this great country with 'winners'.

    Search the Scriptures
    Start with some cheap grace...Got Life?

    +1 FP (2.00 / 2) (#20)
    by monad on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 07:27:54 AM EST

    Superb, made me laugh out loud several times. You have a knack for this stuff blue car, keep up the good work.

    I voted this +1FP 'cuz kitten said not to. (1.87 / 8) (#24)
    by Pat Chalmers on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 03:33:04 PM EST

    Fuck you, shitten.

    How to Win at K5 (2.50 / 4) (#26)
    by dbickett on Tue Jul 05, 2005 at 06:07:09 AM EST

    "Find some athletes who have won medals and steal them. Athletes are pussies. Just wave your shotgun at them and scream a bit."

    This is hysterical.

    YFI IFI (none / 1) (#27)
    by tweetsybefore on Tue Jul 05, 2005 at 11:35:24 AM EST


    I'm racist and I hate niggers.
    Hilarious (1.16 / 6) (#28)
    by tweetsygalore on Tue Jul 05, 2005 at 07:24:14 PM EST

    Reminds me of Jonathan Swift, Michael Milken
    and Gordon Gekko.  Ha ha.

    After each perceived security crisis ended, the United States has remorsefully realised that the abrogation of civil liberties was unnecessary. But it has proven unable to prevent itself from repeating the error when the next crisis comes along. --- Justice William Brennan
    good stuff (none / 0) (#29)
    by UrethraFranklin on Wed Jul 06, 2005 at 04:31:52 AM EST

    if there had been less kung-fu that right there would have been classic. you lose.

    What does the banana mean? (none / 0) (#30)
    by Chewbacca Uncircumsized on Wed Jul 06, 2005 at 10:39:22 PM EST


    Sophomoric. (none / 0) (#31)
    by alexboko on Thu Jul 07, 2005 at 04:20:30 PM EST

    This article is what the word 'sophomoric' refers to. It's not funny, it's just retarded in exactly the same way as those emails about "50 ways to annoy your roommate" that some jackass forwards to you every week. If you voted for it, screw you... you're part of the reason there is so much un-funny lame rubbish being passed off as comedy. Go back to forwarding your chain letters on AOL and stay off the real internet.

    Godwin's Law of video games: if a company is out of ideas for a long enough period, they will eventually publish another World War II shooter.
    real internet? (3.00 / 2) (#32)
    by midas2000 on Fri Jul 08, 2005 at 12:24:35 PM EST

    dude chain letters and aol *are* the real internet. they are the rule, not the exception.

    or at least i thought they were. is there a better, perhaps a (secret), other internet somewhere that i don't know about? what's the url???


    [ Parent ]

    OK cockbiters (none / 1) (#33)
    by blue car on Fri Jul 08, 2005 at 01:21:13 PM EST

    I'm sorry for writing such a crap story, but I really didn't think it would get posted.

    Stop whimpering. (none / 1) (#37)
    by OzJuggler on Sat Jul 09, 2005 at 04:42:35 AM EST

    It is ridiculous for you to claim that you did not think it would get posted. You hoped it would be posted or else you would not have submitted it to the queue. Instead be proud of what you have accomplished. Know that you have used satire to ridicule kuro5hin's collective anxiety about success, and provided free therapy to boot.

    K5 may reward inspired humour, but remember that "winners" always get what they really deserve - and you don't want that.

    "And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together
    at Osama's homo abortion pot and commie jizzporium." - Jon Stewart's gift to Bill O'Reilly, 7 Dec 2005.
    [ Parent ]

    Sean Connery (none / 1) (#35)
    by trav on Fri Jul 08, 2005 at 02:20:44 PM EST

    "Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen (and 19 of her friends)."

    All is Suffering. (none / 0) (#36)
    by OzJuggler on Sat Jul 09, 2005 at 04:15:56 AM EST

    Thanks for reminding me.
    Being a loser may suck, but spending the rest of one's alleged life acting and thinking like the kind of moneygrubbing prick that entails being a "winner" is far worse all round.

    Now if on the other hand I want a wife, a mortgage and 2.4 children by age 32, then have I also fallen into a trap? The trap of believing The Great Western Dream?
    We're programmed to believe that we cannot be happy unless we have these biological successes, material supplements and a lifelong legal contract with a spouse creating exclusive property rights in bodily intimacy.

    Look at those Bhuddist monks, man. They act all quiet and more-spritual-than-thou, like they've got it all sorted. But where's their fun and happiness? And if they are better people then why must they lock themselves away from society and deny everyone their enlightened company? And I don't think those orange robes get hastily discarded on many bedrooom floors if ya know what I'm sayin'.

    And if all you need to be happy is love... then what the hell is *that*??? Has anyone ever figured it out? I think I did once, but I think of a lot of things and I forget anything I don't write down.

    If I were to distill the popular connotations of "loser" into a definition it would be:

    Someone who doesn't help themselves even when it is easy to do so.
    If you don't know what all the options are then you could easily miss an opportunity and become a loser by ignorance. That means there's a lot of "losers" out there. It also means that winners lose often. And of course the whole thing hinges on some universal agreement on what "winning" is and what counts as "help" towards that goal.

    I think we're kidding ourselves. We are like all the other animals on the planet and happiness, if it ever arrives, is fleeting, the remainder spent in survival. It doesn't help that I'm sitting here in my comfy chair in the unit I rent and munching fruit and nut mix while about 3 billion other humans demonstrate what survival is *really* about. People in 3rd world countries seem to be happier because they're thankful for the good times, whereas in the West we assume it. Our survival is guaranteed and the things we spend most of our life doing are gratuitous. In the west, our life is a big wank. Why would people ride a rollercoaster, or jump off a bridge, or go speeding in cars, when these are all life-threatening activities? Because we want our survival back.

    Our inability to "succeed" and be happy in our polished white world is the consequence of having already succeeded wildy. In a roundabout way, the author of this humour piece was correct in a way he may not have foreseen. If you continue trying to win long after you've already won - you lose.

    - OzJuggler.
    "And I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together
    at Osama's homo abortion pot and commie jizzporium." - Jon Stewart's gift to Bill O'Reilly, 7 Dec 2005.

    No fun (none / 0) (#38)
    by shinnin on Mon Jul 11, 2005 at 10:57:44 AM EST

    Look at those Bhuddist monks, man.

    Yeah - the boring farts. Especially those who write poetry such as this:

    My hand is Lady Mori's hand
    And knows her mastery of love.
    When I am weak, she resurrects my jeweled stem.
    The monks I train are grateful then.-- Ikkyu Sojun

    [ Parent ]
    Good idea, bad means (none / 0) (#39)
    by activereflect on Tue Jul 12, 2005 at 09:51:42 AM EST

    The idea is good, but the arguments are weak.
    We are all sluts, cheap products, in someone else's notebook.
    How To Win At Life | 41 comments (35 topical, 6 editorial, 0 hidden)
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