The first thing you must do if you seriously intend to win at life is find someone win against. There is no point in winning anything unless you beat someone in doing so. Life is a competition, don't forget it. If you forget it, you have lost. Luckily, there is a whole world of schmucks out there who you can beat. Every time you walk down the street remember to think to yourself that everyone you see is a total schmuck and you can beat them easily. You will soon be on your way to winning the terrible, strenuous competition which is life.
To begin winning at life, you have to have the right attitude. If you don't have the right attitude, you might as well kill yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day with your sternest, angriest expression and say to yourself "I'm gonna win! AAAAAARGH!". Scream it at the top of your voice. Don't worry about your neighbours -- they are schmucks. You may be thinking to yourself, what if your neighbour is also reading this guide to winning and is thinking that you are the schmuck? Forget about it. He's the schmuck. If you forget that you have lost already and might aswell throw yourself in a ditch.
I cannot stress highly enough how important it is to learn kung-fu. This really is important as not only will it make people admire and respect you, it will give you the necessary skills to beat down your opposition. Believe me, there are many, many people out there who will try to stop you on your long and tiring journey to greatitude and winnerliness, and knowing kung-fu is a sure-fire way to put those bitches back in their place where they belong. All it takes is a few quick punches to the solar plexes and most problems can be solved.
Learning kung-fu can be as simple as going to a kung-fu class, or even just copying the moves from a Jackie Chan film. There are only three moves in kung-fu which are worth knowing: the punch, the kick, and the grimace. Grimacing is probably the most important because it proves you mean business and are really an expert and a person who should listened to and respected. Most people can already punch and kick pretty well, and adding a kung-fu grimace to your standard punching and kicking is all it takes to make you a bona-fide kung-fu master. You can practice in a mirror. Bare your teeth. Growl at yourself. Learn the noises. Shouting words like "HaI!", "Yaaa!" and "Heeee!" in a Chinese accent is important. You can even try a flying kick if you are feeling ambitious. Don't spend too long learning kung-fu, as spending too long doing something means you have lost.
Getting multiple chicks to have sex with you might seem difficult for a non-winner, but for a winner it is really easy. Girls love having sex with winners. If you are enough of a winner they won't mind all the other girls having sex with you at the same time because they will be secretly planning to backstab them later. But if getting all the girls to sleep with you is one of the ways to prove you are a winner, and they won't sleep with you until you already are a winner, what is the trick? The trick is your attitude. You have to believe and know you are a winner. If you are not getting enough sex, maybe you aren't screaming loudly enough when you look at yourself in the mirror. Try screaming more loudly and for longer
If twenty girls seems like a lot, try building up to it gradually. Have sex with two or three girls, for example, then phone some more and ask if they would like to join in. If you don't know the phone numbers of any other girls ask the girls you are already having sex with to phone their friends. You can offer cash incentives if you have to, as well as gifts like chocolates and necklaces. You might think that paying for sex isn't something a winner would do but you can steal the money back afterwards, then you won't have paid. (If you think that stealing isn't something a winner would do, you are wrong. Stealing is part of winning, just like winning is part of stealing. A quick way to become a winner is to shoplift. Go into any shop and pick something up and hide it inside your jacket. Walk out of the shop. Congratulations, you've just won. Against the shop. They were asking for it by putting a shop there and trying to get one over on you).
If you are a girl you may not see sexual conquest as the path to winnerdom, but may instead believe that marrying a rich man and achieving exalted social status is the way for you to be a winner. Too bad, you've already lost just by being a girl.
Owning all the shares on the stock market may seem difficult, but if you're going to be a winner, you have to achieve difficult things. It isn't easy becoming a winner. God doesn't just point his finger at you and magically make you a winner. You have to work at it. Hard. You have to sweat. You're going sweat a lot if you want to win. Your clothes will stick to you. You'll stink. Bad. You're going to make people retch. You're going to make them puke. It's all part of being a winner.
Being a winner is about making money. It is essential that you make money if you want to win. I don't mean you have to make a hundred dollars -- anybody can make a hundred dollars. I could make a hundred dollars by spitting. No, you have to make truly huge amounts of money to have even a chance of qualifying as a winner, more money, in fact, than everybody else in the world combined. Otherwise you will have failed in the most hideous and cataclysmic way. Winners buy houses, yachts and diamonds. Winners get invited to a hundred parties every day either by staggeringly beautiful women or by eminent and incredibly wealthy businessmen, movie stars or kings. But true winners never go to these parties because they do not deign to associate themselves with mere humans. At a stretch, a real winner might talk on the telephone to the pope every once in a while, but that is about it.
But how do I amass such a vast fortune? I hear you whining. The answer is simple. Armed robbery. Anyone can do it, all it takes is a gun and some guts. If you find you're too frightened, just look in the mirror and scream at the top of your lungs to work up your nerve. Then pull on your balaclava and get on your bike and cycle down to the nearest gas station with your sawn-off shotgun. A few thousand robberies and you will have enough money to start investing in the stock market. This is when the real stealing begins. Take your shotgun along with you to every board meeting and tell everyone to sign all their stock over to you. If anybody refuses, shoot them. Soon you will all own the stock in the world! You will finally be a winner!
As for winning ten gold medals, that's completely impossible, only some kind of loser would spend years in arduous training, torturing their body, just for a chance of winning a pathetic trinket. Stealing is the only honest way to obtain gold and jewellery. Find some athletes who have won medals and steal them. Athletes are pussies. Just wave your shotgun at them and scream a bit.
You don't need to achieve world peace or be an artist either, I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that. Peace is for losers, so is art. Winners like war and fighting! The real way to be a winner is to join a militia and spend all your time watching Chuck Norris videos wearing camouflage and full combat gear, and practicing your scream. If winning means anything to you, this is what you will spend the rest of your life doing.