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Tinky Winky Damn Near Kills Me

By Uncle AngryHands in Culture
Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: comedy, humor (all tags)

I recall this on the news one morning, as I helped the kids get ready for school and take their various medications...

"He is purple -- the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol," the story says.

Jerry Falwell, the founder of the now-defunct Moral Majority, contends the "subtle depictions" are intentional and in a statement issued Tuesday said, "As a Christian, I feel that role modeling the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children."

I was astounded.

At the time, I was working in adolescent boy's treatment facility, where seriously emotionally disturbed children are taught life skills and how to integrate into more normal as opposed to institutionalized settings.

"What the HELL?!?!" I exclaimed, laughing to myself...the very thought that there was a gay Teletubby...did he sneak out at nights to hang out in colorful, velvet-textured truck stop bathrooms? Did he "accidentally" make messes on his crotch, for the express purpose of calling out that strange vacuum-robot? The possibilities, while disturbing, were also innumerable, and at least to me, deeply hilarious.

Being that a lot of the children at the home were emotionally and developmentally regressed, I'd had ample opportunity to see the Teletubbies in action; they'd struck me as nothing more than an irritating swath of repetitious color meant to distract children. I'd noted that Tinky Winky carried a "magic bag" that looked suspiciously like a purse, but had dismissed the thought at the time as one of the kids had gone shit-nuts and thrown food at the bird cages (still no idea why, to this day).

Perking up at hearing me curse, one of the kids asked what I was laughing at. I told them nothing, but the story was still going on in the background.

"Tinky Winky's a FAGGOT like Josh!!" One boy stood and screamed, pointing across the table at the boy in question, starting a mini-riot that took me two hours worth of intervention and paperwork to unravel. I hated this fucking job.

Tinky Winky slowly but surely became an insult among a group of 20 seriously emotionally disturbed boys in St. Charles, Missouri.

"Get OFF me, Tinky Winky!"

"Stop being Tinky Winky and HELP ME MOP!!"

"Awww....you gonna cry, Tinky Winky?"

This made up my days and evenings for months on end. Every time I yelled at one kid for calling someone Tinky Winky, it seemed like three more boys took it up as their own personal method of insult.

Finally, resolved to change this, and simply because I couldn't STAND hearing the name anymore, turning off the television when someone switched it over to Teletubbies (they were all obsessed with watching it now, pointing out the effete characteristics as they went) and tamping down an outright Tinky Winky rebellion, I sprang into action.

One of my job requirements being that of a role model, I had the idea to get a heart-shaped frame and a picture of the Teletubby in question. After framing Tinky in the giant heart, he went on my desk. Then I got a small figurine of him which went right beside the frame.

At first, the boys had no idea what to do. They couldn't ridicule ME for liking Tinky Winky; when asked, I left it at a cryptic "I think he's cool, kinda brave, actually." They walked away, shaking their heads in confusion.

After a couple weeks, there was no more mention of Tinky Winky.

A few weeks after THAT, my birthday rolled around, and the boys made a cake (see, I DO make a difference!) and we had a little party.

When I got off shift that night around midnight, I pulled my car out of the garage and was rounding the treatment home when I glanced in my rearview mirror...

"HOLY GOD!!!" SOMETHING was in the backseat, staring right at me with malevolently glittering black eyes. I swear. Black eyes.

Instinctively, I swerved sideways, jumping my jeep over a curb with a sickening thud and landing in the yard of the treatment home, as I skidded sideways toward the home still trying as I steered wildly to see WHAT IN HELL was in my backseat.

I skittered to a lurching sideways stop literally INCHES from disaster; my car was nearly resting against a corner of a bedroom.

I FELL out of the car, screaming like a woman as I noted the huge swath of destruction I'd caused; there were deep gouges in the lawn fully 20 feet long, uprooted shrubs and totally fucked landscaping leading up to my steaming, clattering jeep.

Children and staff poured out from the front door onto the lawn, confused as to what had woken everyone up as I reached into my backseat and withdrew a fully 4-foot tall stuffed TINKY FUCKING WINKY that had been carefully seatbelted in my back seat.

"Happy...birthday" one of the children weakly offered, "we thought you'd like it..."


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Tinky Winky Damn Near Kills Me | 59 comments (33 topical, 26 editorial, 0 hidden)
It is my civic duty to report a parallel (1.75 / 4) (#2)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 05:32:52 PM EST

story: Bret Easton Ellis's article on Why The Teletubbies Are Evil. Yes, the Bret Easton Ellis of American Psycho fame thinks the Teletubbies are evil.

Keep banging those rocks together, MMM!
- Kasreyn

It's all very well for him to say so (3.00 / 3) (#43)
by A Bore on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 10:59:36 AM EST

But when I tried to distract my kids with a DVD of American Psycho it took a week to stop them screaming in their sleep. Until he comes up with a viable alternative, I'd advise Child Professor Ellis to shut the fuckest uppest.

[ Parent ]
The times, they are a changin' (none / 1) (#9)
by Metamorphorical Rock on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 06:41:16 PM EST

Mumbles Happy Feet is gay.

Also, the movie is possibly the darkest and most disturbing feature length animated film from a major studio, ever. I kid you not.

[ processed instant god ]

"We're Back! A dinosaur's story"$ (none / 0) (#12)
by Mylakovich on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 08:20:52 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Can't be creepier ... (none / 0) (#16)
by hamingja on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 01:07:53 AM EST

.. than Boohbah, from the same creators of Teletubbies. Funny story UAH, +1 FP.
p(3)=0.3405373296... => even in an infinite universe, not everything is possible...
[ Parent ]
Other things that make you gay: soy (none / 0) (#25)
by Metamorphorical Rock on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 12:15:20 PM EST

Giving babies soy milk makes them gay. It'll even shrink your cunt pumper, so watch out!

[ processed instant god ]
[ Parent ]
Fucking hell ! (none / 0) (#42)
by A Bore on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 10:55:23 AM EST

I tell 1914 soy makes you effeminite. 15 days later WorldNetDaily picks up the bat. Across the political divide we metaphorically join hands (not gay, thanks). With our combined might, the Soy conspiracy will soon be OVER.

[ Parent ]
omg soy did gays~ -nt (none / 0) (#53)
by Kasreyn on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 06:14:15 PM EST

less funny than it was in my head. :(

"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
You obviously haven't seen Monster House /nt (none / 0) (#29)
by MotorMachineMercenary on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 07:42:08 PM EST

Keep banging those rocks together, MMM!
- Kasreyn

[ Parent ]
Awesome. The new thing some of you (none / 1) (#10)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 06:47:13 PM EST

Tinkyn Winky's would call a meme.


Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.

Fuck the Teletubbies. (none / 0) (#13)
by BJH on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 08:46:51 PM EST

The WOmbles were way gheyer cooler.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

You should have listened! (3.00 / 5) (#14)
by cburke on Tue Dec 12, 2006 at 09:00:05 PM EST

Jerry Falwell warned you he was evil!  He tried to warn you, but you wouldn't listen!

A slight derail... (3.00 / 4) (#18)
by Psycho Dave on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 02:23:54 AM EST

I live next to a middle school. I was sitting on my porch the other day when the kids were getting out of school. I caught a snippet of their conversation when the group passed by...

"I want to be a Power Ranger when I grow up," this one black kid said. "I'll be the first nigga to be the Pink Ranger!"

This, of course, raises several questions...

1)Aren't middle schoolers a little old to wish they could be Power Rangers when "they grow up"? By age 12, I was pretty sure I wasn't gonna be a cowboy or an astronaut.

2)Aren't middle schoolers a little too young to even be interested in the Power Rangers? I thought the Rangers were more of a nineties thing? Hell, I'm a child of the nineties and the Power Rangers were a little past my time.

3)Didn't only girls wanna be the Pink Ranger? I know the Black Ranger was a black dude, but I doubt this kid was trying to break down any social barriers. Also, isn't "pink is the new black" kinda 2004?

Uh, dude, they were being ironic.... (3.00 / 2) (#21)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 08:40:00 AM EST

No sense of humor with these old folks....


Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

Gen X is the generation of irony. (nt) (none / 1) (#36)
by Psycho Dave on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 09:11:27 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Gen X is the generation of Emo. (3.00 / 2) (#61)
by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy on Sun Dec 17, 2006 at 09:56:18 AM EST

I'm a pompous windbag, I take myself far too seriously, and I single-handedly messed up K5 by causing the fiction section to be created. --localroger

[ Parent ]
In reverse order (3.00 / 6) (#27)
by rhdntd on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 03:14:18 PM EST

  1. You didn't say the kid wasn't a girl.  With kids these days, can you always tell?

  2. I know a 12 year old who was all over the Power Rangers at the end of the nineties.

  3. But, like you point out, he was at most 8 when that interest passed.

  4. I'm 31, and I'd still like to grow up to be Space Ghost.

"book chicks really seem to like anal"
  — Lady 3Jane
[ Parent ]
some kind of code? (3.00 / 2) (#30)
by livus on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 07:56:40 PM EST

we used old tv for codes/private slang all the time in middle school.  

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
The year Falwell said that about Tinky-Winky (3.00 / 2) (#34)
by MichaelCrawford on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 08:20:40 PM EST

Bonita put on a teletubbies birthday party for me.  


Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy

Confused (3.00 / 1) (#41)
by A Bore on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 10:45:45 AM EST

I don't see the connection unless you are bisexual.

[ Parent ]
Bonita was giving him a hint (3.00 / 5) (#47)
by godix on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 02:25:09 PM EST

she was basically saying that she gets so little sex from him that she wonders if he's secretly gay. Either that or it was her way of saying 'I walked in on you and the male prostitute the other day'.

- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]
Boobah! (2.00 / 3) (#37)
by tdillo on Wed Dec 13, 2006 at 10:34:49 PM EST

Whee! Boobah!

ATTN: RUSTY (2.83 / 6) (#48)
by cDiss on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 04:57:17 PM EST



awww...I'm sorry. (none / 0) (#49)
by Uncle AngryHands on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 04:59:29 PM EST


[ Parent ]
suck siphilitic donkey schlong, crapflooder (none / 0) (#50)
by cDiss on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 05:02:06 PM EST

[ Parent ]
...it's "syphillitic" (3.00 / 2) (#51)
by Uncle AngryHands on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 05:08:54 PM EST

Man, even your insults are lame. I would have thought they'd taught you better in "man who acts like a 45-year old hausfrau" school...

[ Parent ]
your familiarity with donkey schlong (none / 0) (#52)
by cDiss on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 05:26:56 PM EST

gives you good experience with which to correct my spelling mistakes

[ Parent ]
you all need to see the wiggles- (none / 0) (#54)
by wampswillion on Thu Dec 14, 2006 at 10:23:41 PM EST

those are some seriously gay men.  

my vote is... (none / 0) (#57)
by mfinn999 on Fri Dec 15, 2006 at 02:19:45 PM EST

the dude from Blue's Clues

[ Parent ]
you mean steve? (none / 0) (#60)
by wampswillion on Sat Dec 16, 2006 at 11:40:33 AM EST

steve's gay?  hmm.  well good for steve.  

[ Parent ]
You instinctively swerved sideways? (none / 0) (#55)
by apple on Fri Dec 15, 2006 at 03:11:26 AM EST

Since when is that an instinct? This is so much crap, it's obvious there's nobody left on this site except trolls.


How the fuck (2.00 / 2) (#56)
by daveybaby on Fri Dec 15, 2006 at 06:33:09 AM EST

did this shit make it onto the front page? Jesus fucking christ.

I wasn't going to complain (1.50 / 2) (#59)
by infinite sum on Fri Dec 15, 2006 at 10:24:14 PM EST

I wasn't going to complain about my article being dumped even though it later made the front page of Reddit got almost 10,000 page views, but seriously...

Tinky Winky Damn Near Kills Me | 59 comments (33 topical, 26 editorial, 0 hidden)
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