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[P]
Fast Times at Phillips 66: The Hooker

By osm in Culture
Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)
Culture

The gas station had a great advantage in being located next door to a police station. Not only did we see weird customers and weird employees, but we got some riff-raff wandering over to visit after being booked. Actually, even people who weren't booked and weren't employees and weren't customers wandered in often. The station was a freak magnet. The police used our station to fuel up, so we got a lot of good stories from them too. I have no idea why, but they never caught on about the drug trafficking going on there. This is even more surprising when you take into account the fact that, more than once, I handled police while tripping on acid and completely trashed on morphine. And I wasn't the only one. By all rights, all of us should have been herded up and thrown away for decades.


There were only two times the police ever really showed any concern toward the station. One time was when Justin was dismantling the Family Truckster in the parking lot, and then they only wondered what that crazy nut was doing. The second time was when Bryan had gotten a new convertible Mercedes from his parents. The police chief, Shaky Joe, and some of the older guys weren't really concerned but they had just hired a couple of new guys and they would always come in laughing about it and asking how a gas pumper could afford that, implying Bryan was selling drugs to pay for the car.

If it had been anybody else, they would have been right. But, they completely targeted the wrong guy, being the complete stooges they were - Shaky Joe excluded; he was the coolest cop I've ever met, probably because he had used drugs himself in the past, thus explaining his constant shakiness. In any event, Bryan was not a drug dealer, though he did his fair share of pot and coke. Bryan's parents were extremely religious. I would call them nut-cases but, who am I to judge that? When he was younger, Bryan had hidden some pot in the attic. His parents had managed to find it. Bryan was certain he had hidden it so that it would be impossible to find, and when he asked his parents how they knew where it was, they told him that God had guided them to it. Bryan was deathly afraid of his parents, partly because they found his impossible-to-find pot and partly, I suspect, because they paid for everything he had.

Bryan was a weazely looking guy with beady eyes, pinched nostrils and thin lips. He had blue eyes and brown hair. He was spoiled rotten. His parents paid for his apartment, set him up with a nice entertainment system and bought him the convertible. All for merely completing his first semester at a community college. He lived in sin with his girlfriend, Wendy. They had a dog, Champ, named so because he was a blue-ribbon dog show champion, though that had been years ago before they got him. Bryan was also into weird sexual fetishes, which I got to hear all about night after night. He and Frog were the only two who ever actually looked at the stack of porno magazines in the back room. Though, Justin did use them to make collages when he was especially well pixied-up.

Wendy was a bit chubby and had a poofy blonde eighties hairdo. She was a farm girl from somewhere deep on the Kansas side of the city - the gas station was in Kansas City, Missouri. She wasn't very bright, but then neither was Bryan. She seemed a bit naive and wasn't very talkative. She was very loyal though and kind. None of us, except Bryan, found her terribly interesting, but we liked her well enough. She could be irritating at times, as she incessantly called Bryan at work distraught over the tiniest little things.

In some ways, I felt sorry for Bryan, because nobody would really have a lot to do with him. But I always realized he brought it on himself. One year, on his birthday he could find nobody to celebrate with him. He stopped by the gas station drunk and offered to bend me over the safe and do me in the ass while pulling on my thick long hair. Regretfully, I couldn't take him up on the offer, explaining Stacy might not like it.

Bryan had been named Night Manager by Frog, after I declined the position. I had been at the station longer than both Frog and Bryan and made more money there than both of them anyway. The only thing being Night Manager would have gotten me is the slightest shred of responsibility, which I in no way desired. Later, Bryan would move on to replace Jason as Frog's day shift stooge, but at the time, I was stuck with him on the Night Shift.

It was another unbearably hot Summer afternoon at the station when Bryan and I were taking turns going into the backroom. Bryan was smoking pot and I was hitting off of an opium pipe. We were both startled by a shape flitting by the side window. You could never be too careful with the cops based next door. I grabbed the can of Glade we had sitting on the shelf with the oil and various other fluids and sprayed the room down, while Bryan hid all the paraphernalia in the back room. It was the standard emergency procedure for whenever an unrecognized visitor arrived. I only hoped Bryan did a better job hiding the stuff than he had with the bag of pot at his parents' house. You never know when God might intervene again.

As it turned out, it wasn't a cop. It was a prostitute. She had walked over from the police station after having spent the night in jail. She was short and pudgy with ratty short blonde hair. What teeth she still had were horribly discolored and looked like corn kernels shoved at odd angles into her gums. She was wearing a tank top, fuzzy pea-green shorts and was barefoot. She was carrying a plastic bag full of various items. Bryan and I sat down in our respective chairs, pretending nothing out of the ordinary was going on.

"How ya boys doin' today?"

Oh shit, she spoke. This was the first step on a path that lead to a special place in Hell. I wrinkled my nose subconsciously in response to her toothless smile, "we're cool. What's happening?"

The hooker sat down on the guest chair next to the safe. I made a mental note to sterilize it with bleach before Stacy stopped by. "I been in lockup all night. They said I wuz doin' crack. I ain't no crack ho."

She certainly looked like a crack ho' to me. Not that I had ever really met any crack ho's - the gas station was located in the center of a middle-class neighborhood - but they had them on Jerry Springer sometimes. I began to notice the pungent stink of body odor wafting over from the hooker.

"So, what kind of ho' are you then?" I asked, desperate to get rid of this foul-smelling thing before she stunk up the office worse than Poopie after a day in a milk processing plant.

"Why you gotta be dissin' on me, honey?"

I glanced over at Bryan thinking maybe he was finding this as amusing as me. He had a completely serious look on his face and was listening intently to the conversation.

"I was just wondering, you know. I'm kinda bored here today."

The hooker reached into her bag and pulled out a makeup compact. She wiped the round applicator in the makeup and began patting it on her face. I noticed several brown spiders scurry around her feet and run outside to die. Something I had been seeing more and more at the gas station.

"You bored, honey? How ya like ta take me out tonight?"

My spine shivered and I laughed reflexively, "well, I was supposed to hang out with my girlfriend tonight..."

"You can bring her wit ya, honey, I don' mind."

Bryan was turning red and I think he was starting to salivate.

"Wow. That sounds really fun, but I don't think she'd go for it."

"I'd rock her world, honey. You too."

The thought of this... thing... rocking my world made my stomach turn. The thought of her rocking Stacy's world... well... that was unholy. "We don't really do rock," I replied sarcastically.

"That too bad, honey. I like that thick hair and them big brown eyes you got." She was really turning up the volume. She must have been insanely desperate to get her hands on some of those lucrative gas pumper wages. She put away her makeup and began to move her hair around with her hand, not that it made any difference at all. As I watched her, I realized she might have actually been attractive at some point in time. But she'd definitely been around the block a few million times and the miles had taken their toll.

"Sorry, dude, not interested."

The hooker got up, much to my relief, "Okay, well you missin' out. We have a good time, baby." She walked out the door and headed down toward the street. I turned to Bryan, ready to laugh about our visitor but he was already on his way out the door.

* * * *

I'm not totally certain if Bryan's parents were still in so tight with God that He was still ratting out their son to them, but if they had thought it bad he was hiding pot in the attic, I could only imagine what they would think about where he had hidden his penis that night. I was made to promise not to tell anyone at the station about his adventure with Angela the hooker. Of course, he went on to tell everyone himself - he was proud of this... conquest... for some reason.

Bryan wasn't crazy enough to believe Wendy would ever go for something like a 3-way with a toothless crack whore - I couldn't imagine why not - but he had quickly made up some lie about having to go help his dad with a surprise gift for his mother that night. It was an admirable lie - I had to hand him that - Wendy would never take it upon herself to confirm it with Bryan's parents, since she was as afraid of them as he was. Since Bryan and Wendy were living in sin, his parents weren't exactly gracious to Wendy - in fact, she had to leave her own apartment when they visited from somewhere out in Kansas. Bryan lied habitually and nobody at work really ever believed a word he said.

Bryan began telling me the story of his wild adventure in River Front park with Angela the Gummy Hooker. I couldn't really bear to hear the whole story and cut him off to suggest he might want to go get tested for a disease before he got it on with Wendy. I mean, it was bad enough he was screwing around on her, it would be pretty inhuman to give her some nasty disease in the process, after all.

"Yeah, man..." he replied, staring off into space.

I knew he wouldn't do it. I got up to get a car and when I returned Bryan was browsing through a "Juggs" magazine featuring a 67 year old woman's drooping breasts. I decided I would talk to Vince, who was closer to Bryan and Wendy than I, and let him know it might be a good idea that Wendy knew about this...

* * * *

Previous Installments

01. The Pervert
02. The Night the Retards Came
03. The Paranoid Schizophrenic
04. The Art Institute
05. Frog's Restroom Misadventure
06. The Pixie Who Destroyed His VW Van

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Poll
Next Installment:
o The Asshole at L.C.'s Hamburgers, Etc. 4%
o The Melted Pen Cap 3%
o Access Denied 4%
o The Old Woman Who Drove Backwards 29%
o The Dog Lady 8%
o The Death of Champ 8%
o Homey the Pigeon 0%
o The Dead-Heads 4%
o Bryan's Breakup and Breakdown 14%
o The Coin Collector 4%
o Kasey Blue 0%
o The OG 0%
o Poopie Gets a Date 9%
o I've Seen Tongues 3%
o The Brown Recluses 4%

Votes: 62
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o 01. The Pervert
o 02. The Night the Retards Came
o 03. The Paranoid Schizophrenic
o 04. The Art Institute
o 05. Frog's Restroom Misadventure
o 06. The Pixie Who Destroyed His VW Van
o Also by osm


Display: Sort:
Fast Times at Phillips 66: The Hooker | 68 comments (61 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
i've got two more that aren't listed in the poll (3.00 / 3) (#2)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 01:03:15 AM EST

after that, the polls will start getting smaller.

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4thelulz.org

IAWTP (none / 1) (#4)
by nostalgiphile on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 01:28:58 AM EST

Dude, those are the two I was thinking of voting for! (PS: that last comment rulz!)

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
[ Parent ]
i bow (none / 1) (#5)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 01:32:48 AM EST

to your 31337 psychic skillz.

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[ Parent ]

I'm sure I've seen this movie... (none / 1) (#11)
by Journeyman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:47:51 AM EST

I'm sure it had Jay and Silent Bob in it.
I'm sure it was written by Kevin Smith.
I'm sure this is a compliment.

does that mean i should sue kevin smith? (none / 1) (#12)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:49:55 AM EST


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[ Parent ]

Yes! YES! (none / 1) (#14)
by Journeyman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:56:30 AM EST

Sue the bastard! Silent Bob should be SILENT!!

[ Parent ]
yeah. (none / 1) (#15)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:58:16 AM EST

ya know, clerks was damn good. but then he started getting all slapstick with jay & silent bob. in clerks, they had an edge. i lost interest after klerks. though chasing amy had some appeal to me.

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[ Parent ]

Clerks was probably his best movie. (3.00 / 4) (#21)
by Psycho Dave on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:58:38 AM EST

I rewatched Chasing Amy last year and it wasn't as good as I remembered. He has raped his whole Askew-niverse for all it's worth, and then put it on trial for adultery. The moment I realized the emperor had no clothes was when Jay and Silent Bob were on fucking Degrassi Junior High.

Clerks tapped into the pop-culture slacker zeitgeist of the mid-nineties really well, and I probably look upon it fondly because of that more than any merits the films really had. The sequel that will be coming out this year looks dreadful.

[ Parent ]

agreed 100% (none / 1) (#22)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:00:47 AM EST


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[ Parent ]

which movie, btw? (none / 0) (#13)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:50:42 AM EST


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[ Parent ]

A melange... (none / 1) (#16)
by Journeyman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:00:04 AM EST

At least "Clerks" and "J&SB Strike Back". Perhaps the slightest hint of "Mallrats".

You'll be pleased to know that I'm not detecting the slightly sweet aroma of Affleck. There's no "Dogma" here.

[ Parent ]

i can definitely see clerks (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:10:42 AM EST

smith nailed it with that one, "this job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers."

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[ Parent ]

A melange... (none / 1) (#17)
by Journeyman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:00:32 AM EST

At least "Clerks" and "J&SB Strike Back". Perhaps the slightest hint of "Mallrats".

You'll be pleased to know that I'm not detecting the slightly sweet aroma of Affleck. There's no "Dogma" here.

[ Parent ]

i heard you the first time, dude (3.00 / 3) (#18)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:01:14 AM EST

:)

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[ Parent ]

AAARG! THE HAMSTER TERRORISTS! (none / 1) (#19)
by Journeyman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:01:32 AM EST

They made me repeat myself! I am redundant! Nooooooooooo...

[ Parent ]
+1FP, it's about my youth (none / 1) (#23)
by Ezra Loomis Pound on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 08:57:01 AM EST

And I'm wondering if the author would be willing to share Wendy's phone number with me, if he has it still.

:::"Let me tell ya, if she wasn't cut out to handle some fake boy online, well sister, life only gets more difficult, and you only get more emo as you age." --balsamic vinigga :::#_#:::
why wendy? (none / 0) (#24)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 09:12:41 AM EST


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[ Parent ]

because... (3.00 / 5) (#27)
by CodeWright on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 11:27:51 AM EST

...she was obviously a low self esteem submissive.

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
man, i guess i nailed that one (none / 1) (#28)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 11:29:15 AM EST

or you are a talented psychic.

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[ Parent ]

only way... (3.00 / 3) (#31)
by CodeWright on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 02:41:55 PM EST

...she would stay with someone like you described bryan.

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
+1 fp (3.00 / 3) (#25)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 11:03:03 AM EST

you should work on a screenplay


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

the good thing about this format (3.00 / 4) (#26)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 11:08:48 AM EST

is i don't have to concentrate on it that long. and letting everyone else choose the next one is having the effect of keeping me interested. thanks for the comment though... i'll need them.

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[ Parent ]

haha (3.00 / 4) (#29)
by loteck on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 12:34:05 PM EST

there was your chance to insult or troll cts and add like a thousand comments to your story, and you totally missed it ;)
--
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich
"WHAT AN ETERNAL MOBIUS STRIP OF FELLATIATIC BANALITY THIS IS." -Harry B Otch

[ Parent ]
ifi (3.00 / 2) (#30)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 12:34:58 PM EST

what a crappy troll.

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[ Parent ]

I tried that once (3.00 / 3) (#32)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:38:09 PM EST

He just gave me a three and moved on. This probably means that I suck.
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]
basically yeah (3.00 / 1) (#33)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:46:44 PM EST

you can insult me all you want, i don't care

but if there is substance in your reply, whether in love with me or loathing me, i'll respond

it's the emtpy "i hate cts" comments that i just +3... where is your response to the substance of what i was saying about the subject at hand? just put some substance in your flame... then we got a thread going!

but just empty flaming of me = {yawn... +3 for pumping my ego... adios}

...well, not totally true ...if i'm feeling particularly chemically imbalanced one day i might go at it with an empty flamer, just for the sheer viscera of it, it depends


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

It wasn't an "I hate cts" response (3.00 / 3) (#34)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 03:56:33 PM EST

so much as an "I hate hearing the same damn argument repeated over and over again" response. I don't quite remember why I mocked your posting style, though.
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]
i don't remember this (none / 1) (#35)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:00:55 PM EST

that's probably the problem, not a very memorable point to make concerning hearing the same argument over and over from me

when i am confronted with the same stupidity again and again, it is not beholden onto me to find an exciting and novel argument each time

it is beholden on the stupid to finally get the fucking point


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

It was (none / 1) (#36)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:06:57 PM EST

this comment. I had previously written a diary on the subject.
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]
dude, do you know what hypocrisy is? (none / 1) (#37)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:18:50 PM EST

if you're not interested, don't say anything, ignore it

but don't you think whining about people whining about something is a sort of self-referential meta-level joke?

k5 does not exist to conform exactly to your agenda in life

there's plenty here i just ignore and find utterly uninteresting and trivial and pointless

i suggest you do the same: just ignore that which doesn't interest you

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

lawl (none / 1) (#38)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:30:28 PM EST

I never said it didn't interest me, I said that it annoyed me. If it didn't interest me, I wouldn't have posted that diary, now would I?

And why didn't you post that nine months ago?
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]

why didn't i post what? (none / 1) (#39)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:34:46 PM EST

and please, by all means:

continue whining about how other people whining bothers you

and i will continue to ignore you as the hypocrit you are

which, i believe, was my original choice on the matter, right?

there look, everyone's happy

adios!


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

lol (3.00 / 3) (#40)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:36:01 PM EST

don't stop now!

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[ Parent ]

self-fulfilling prophecy ;p nt (3.00 / 3) (#43)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:42:26 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
So, political arguments are whining now? (none / 1) (#41)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:38:29 PM EST

I guess that makes more than half of your posts nothing more than emogay HuSi bullshit.
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]
political arguments are valid (2.00 / 2) (#42)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:41:56 PM EST

whining about the existence of political arguments is invalid


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
OMG YFI (none / 1) (#44)
by Aurochs on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 04:49:19 PM EST

Where it == the argument. I don't really care if that diary was whining or not; I was trying to make it known that if you parrot party lines at me, I may very well punch your face in. I'm sure that there are plenty of other people who feel the same way.
--
you can skullfuck yourself to death for FREE
--cDiss
[ Parent ]
dude (none / 1) (#46)
by circletimessquare on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 06:14:15 PM EST

you're free to be yourself

and i'm free to ignore you if i think you're a whiner

but oh my god, look at me now, buried in this thread, babbling with you about this bullshit

i am so trolled ;-P


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

I hate CTS (3.00 / 2) (#54)
by crazy canuck on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 09:16:25 PM EST

now give me my god-damned 3!!!1!1~

[ Parent ]
IAWTP (3.00 / 2) (#45)
by akostic on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 05:32:19 PM EST

At the very least, when you have enough content, you could destroy some rainforest for it. I'd love a hardbound collection of these stories. :)
--
"After an indeterminate amount of time trading insane laughter with the retards, I grew curious and tapped on the window." - osm
[ Parent ]
haha the 'ho-bag' (3.00 / 2) (#47)
by trane on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 06:44:09 PM EST

they always carry all their current possessions in a bag. once raquel asked me to hold on to hers while she went out to make us some money. when she didn't come back after a half-hour or so i got bored and left, and went through her little bag. she got pissed at me next time i saw her for taking it. still got a corkscrew-knife that i use to resin.

no shit? (none / 0) (#48)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 06:45:52 PM EST

i kinda thought maybe the cops had given it to her or something after confiscating her purse... i didn't realize it was a common thing. jesus.

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[ Parent ]

here's a description of it (none / 1) (#49)
by trane on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 06:55:37 PM EST

http://slashdot.org/~blue+trane/journal/34426

[ Parent ]
goddamn (3.00 / 3) (#50)
by thankyougustad on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 07:44:57 PM EST

this site is turning into a high school convention of bukowski readers. you nerds need to live a little.

No no thanks no
Je n'aime que le bourbon
no no thanks no
c'est une affaire de goût.

congrats! finally! /nt (3.00 / 2) (#51)
by terryfunk on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 08:05:54 PM EST



I like you, I'll kill you last. - Killer Clown
The ScuttledMonkey: A Story Collection

That reminds me... (3.00 / 2) (#52)
by Back Spaced on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 08:57:27 PM EST

I remember that I was passing through a southeastern town once, and stopped at a gas station next to a Holiday Inn. I was buying some spicey peanuts when the guy behind the counter directed my attention to the motel next door. A man in jogging clothes jogged up to one of the rooms, looked around quickly, and then ducked inside. "Every Wednesday at ten," said the attendant.

Bluto: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder. He's pre-med.

sounds like some places (none / 1) (#53)
by osm on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 08:59:48 PM EST

i passed through on the way to kentucky last week. there are some really interesting places along i70. porn shops in every town. restrooms that would make you want to just let your bladder explode. and of all the places we stopped, i could probably count the total number of teeth between all the clerks with one hand.

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[ Parent ]

Wasn't this on Oprah a month or so back? (3.00 / 3) (#55)
by xnixman on Mon Mar 27, 2006 at 11:20:08 PM EST

1.  I swear I saw this guy on Oprah last month.

2.  True story...It is kinda like this one since it too is about being self destructive (I was drinking way too much Colt 45 and Old English 800 from 40 oz bottles and I was newly installed in the USAF) and a whore.

So there I was early 1990's, camped out in Biloxi MS, asshole of the world.  I was 18 and getting drunk after enjoying a very nice ride with/on an attractive fellow "trainee" (Hi Deborah) in the "Sand Dollar Inn" (whose only redeeming feature was that they would sell beer to anyone with money).   After we cleaned up we went our seperate ways for awhile.  While I was out wandering the parking lot a drop dead gorgeous young Crystal Gayle look-alike (one of the best looking women I have ever encountered) walked straight up to me with her pale blue eyes shining in the street lights.  She licked her lips, more like a habit then an attempt to be sexy...it was sexy.  Then she asked in the most beautiful southern drawl, "Do you want to have a good time?"  I couldn't speak...I could barely stand...  "Twenty-Five dollars and we can do whatever you want"...  I hastily went for my wallet....DAMN!!!!  I only had $5 left, I had spent all of my cash on freaking beer!!!  I tried to negotiate, "What can I get for $5?"  At this she rolled her eyes and walked off.  I thought that she had walked out of my life forever, but then the next morning I was awakened by a frantically ringing phone, it was my friend who was down a few doors and he was freaking about something "breaking the walls".  So I pulled on a pair of shorts and went to his room where I found him in a towel and a very naked her trying to fix a broken shower curtain rod and two hand sized holes in the tile tub surround.  It turns out he was banging her from behind and she was "bracing" herself with the shower rod, when it broke she put out her hands to stop herself from falling and broke the wall.  As I walked off chuckling about their prediciment I tried to reassure myself that I would not end up wishing I had spent less money on beer when I got older, I was wrong.

wow (none / 0) (#56)
by osm on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 12:07:36 AM EST

oprah's getting risque. mine still has more cursing though.

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[ Parent ]

wait (none / 0) (#57)
by osm on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 12:24:28 AM EST

the second one is you... sorry... i have a tendency to flake out when i haven't slept enough, which pretty much all the time.

1. i don't know about oprah - never watch it or any other television really. i've mostly kept up with all the people in these stories, directly or indirectly, and i would know if something like that had happened.

2. southern accents are hot. but a prostitute... i will never be that desperate.

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[ Parent ]

sigged (none / 1) (#58)
by The Ghost of ChefSalad Past on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 02:24:19 AM EST

I hope you don't mind.

One night .. he just spontaneously vomited and simultaneously defecated in his pants. - osm

What now ? I mean, are you still high ? (3.00 / 2) (#59)
by xaccrocheur on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 11:34:05 AM EST

I am running the far island now. Frog is dead.

i'm saving all that for the epilog. (none / 1) (#60)
by osm on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 11:57:24 AM EST


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what, no Stacy-relevant poll options? (none / 1) (#61)
by ethereal on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 04:19:50 PM EST

We want to hear about her, man!

--

Stand up for your right to not believe: Americans United for Separation of Church and State

frog (none / 0) (#64)
by osm on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 06:24:45 PM EST

had a playboy that had a chick on the cover that looked almost exactly like her. stacy was thinner though and had smaller breasts. i always used to tease her about it.

Actually, I have pictures of everyone I've written about. You can find one of Frog, if you look. I'm not going to post the others (Frog is still too wasted to care).

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Education (2.50 / 2) (#62)
by frozenfruit on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 05:47:48 PM EST

Ah, as much as I enjoy prostitutes, I miss the days when kuro5hin had stories with more educational content. That gambling manifesto was awesome.

well, it sorta has an educational message (none / 0) (#63)
by osm on Tue Mar 28, 2006 at 06:20:13 PM EST

just say "no".

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Ah, finally. (3.00 / 4) (#65)
by agreedymonkey on Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 10:29:44 PM EST

I was waiting on this one for a while. I also have a hooker-related story from a place where used to work at.

A few years ago I worked at a place in a somewhat run-down stripmall in Olathe. It was run-down by Olathe standards, so it wasn't that bad. In addition to being in a second-rate shopping center, there was a lot of cheap multi-unit housing nearby, occupied by persons of Hispanic descent. It therefore wasn't an odd occurance to see several Mexican guys walking through the parking lot.

One of the suites in the mall had recently become available. A women's clothing store by the name of La Otra Chiquita soon moved in. Described as a "hoochie" store by one of my female coworkers, the place sold the kind of clothes fat chicks wear when they want to show off the goods, or more accurately, gross people out.

Now something always seemed peculiar about the place. It might have been that the only merchandise they seemed to have was two racks of hotpants and tube tops. It could have been the sudden influx of Mexican men looking for the place. What did it for me was the complete lack of any female customers, or anyone, leaving with newly purchased clothes.

At first I suspected drugs. This changed when I saw the working girls taking a break behind the building. They didn't offer me their services, probably because I was a gringo, but their appearances would have killed any hypothetical boners.

A few months later, La Otra Chiquita mysteriously vanished. The bartender at the bar and grill in the stripmall confirmed my suspicions. It turned out that it was a front for a prostitution service. The bartender found out because the johns would bring the hookers over to the bar for a few drinks. Somewhere along the way some suspicious wives discovered their husbands' misdeeds and confronted the service. They gave the girls an ultimatum to either get out of town or get arrested.

None of this ever made the local news, but I'm sure moral outrage would have ensued if it had. It was probably best that way. If camera crews had come looking for an interview, I'm positive that the white trash that I worked with would have embarrassed our store to no ends.

As a naive youth, the lesson I learned from the incident is that the tight-bodied prostitutes of film and TV that would cause any healthy man to pitch a tent on the spot exist only in the heart and minds (and scrotums) of young boys everywhere.

jesus (none / 1) (#66)
by osm on Wed Mar 29, 2006 at 10:58:33 PM EST

good one. that reminds me of the hair and nails place. there were several of them all around kc. evidentally, they were a front for meth distribution. that was an asian-owned thing though. there was one down the road from where i live. the building's just been sitting there empty ever since the bust which was a few years ago.

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Yo (none / 0) (#67)
by v3x3d1 on Sat May 13, 2006 at 11:59:19 PM EST

where is the continuation to this peice?

hmmm (none / 0) (#68)
by osm on Tue May 16, 2006 at 11:52:04 PM EST

the undercover cop
bryan's breakup and breakdown
everything

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Fast Times at Phillips 66: The Hooker | 68 comments (61 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
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