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By sudogeek in Culture
Sun Apr 15, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: codgers, sex, computers (all tags)

I'm old. I'd be grey if I weren't bald.

I'm so old my Social Security number is 2. I'm as old as that joke. I'm older than many (any?) of the kuro5hin readers ignoring this story. But it was just today that I realized how old that is.

I went to the Publix to day to pick up some milk. While in the store I eyed the groceries and leered at the women. There were attractive women of all ages there ranging from tattooed twenty-somethings to mothers and singles in their 30s and 40s to the geriatric set above 60. Those are the ones I date.

One of my girlfriends just turned 60 the other day. Nancy is a nurse I met when I was in the hospital. (Now you know why I write about and care about health care policy and universal coverage. I'm a user.) I went over her house on Sunday, ostensibly to set up her new computer.  After it was working, I decided to install Ubuntu on her older P2. At some point in the install, there is a thirty minute wait for copying files.

I was sitting on the couch in the spare bedroom talking to her.  After a few words, I asked here to come over to me. We started kissing as I rubbed her tits then her crotch. After I stripped off her shirt and bra, she asked if we could go into the bedroom as there was a window in the room wide open on the entrance to her house. I don't care but some unsuspecting visitor could be surprised by the view of spotted, sagging flesh copulating furiously. So, ever the gentleman, I adjourned to the bed. There, I stripped off her clothes and proceeded lick her pussy gently. Nancy doesn't need any additional lubrication - she gets quite wet by herself.  Many women her age and older have significant problems with dryness so I often have a tube of KY along with rubbers in my computer repair bag. Nancy doesn't need to shave, however. She did shave her mons at one time but, curiously, not her labia. Now, she has only a few wispy grey hairs there. I stuck my thumb in her ass and sucked until she came. Then, I laid back as she sucked me nicely, paying special attention to my nearly hairless balls.

I put on a rubber and rolled her over. I began to fuck her from behind and, then, as I came close to coming, I stuck my dick in her ass. Nancy said, "No, don't put it in my ass!" but I did anyway, at least a few more strokes until I came. I'm just a dirty old man.  After, I asked her if that was so bad, considering she'd had it like that a number of times before. She mumbled something about liking it the other way. As she talked - boy, can she! - she absent-mindedly stroked me until I became erect again. Then, she mounted me, like she prefers, and rocked away until she came again.

I went to the bathroom and washed up, then checked the install progress. A couple of tweaks of the interface settings and she was on the internet.  I told her I would be back later to finish to configuration and to "check her hard drive" and left.

The next day I was at the store and noticed that I was not checking out the young ones, except as eye candy, but looking at the older grey-hairs. You know, here in Florida, there are a lot of retirees and, since women live about 10 years longer than men, lots of single women of a certain age. In Hollywood movies, older women have implants and get tarted up to seek some young man or have an affair with the pool boy. That's not what women really want. They want someone similar in age and experience, someone who they can talk to, someone who knows Benny Goodman or Vaughn Monroe, and someone who can dance to those tunes. They want someone to remind them of the time they were twenty.

One of my girlfriends, Kathy, is widowed for three years now.  We meet for breakfast on Sundays and then go to the beach. There, we walk along the edge of the water from Waveland Beach North, but somehow always end up at her condo. She has a wonderful view of the ocean from the sliding glass doors in her bedroom.

Kathy was married 36 years and I don't think had many sexual partners prior to that. When I first went up to her apartment and I went down on her, she was rather surprised. Now she likes it very much, thank you. She also did not know how to fellate, had rarely ridden cowgirl style and had never been fucked in her nice tight ass. About one year ago, she finally decide to have surgery for her pelvic relaxation. She had several children and had developed stress incontinence. Indeed, sometimes when she came, she would squirt quite a bit of urine - not exactly the type of female ejaculation of urban legend. In porn films, you often see this urinary squirting billed as such, but it's not. She had an anterior repair (also called a bladder resuspension) to fix this problem. About 6 weeks later, she invited me over. I lovingly tongued her healing scar. As I entered her, I was pleasantly surprised at the newfound tightness and angle of her vagina. It's as close to a twenty-year old as I'm going to get. She recently saw a plastic surgeon I referred her to for a facelift and breast revision. I think she is seeing someone else, but that's cool. It's not like I'm going to marry her. The walk on the beach, the mimosas in the morning, and her tight cunt every so often is more than I can expect.

I feel very lucky. I never smoked and don't have hypertension, so I have no problems with a erection. Once, when I expected a twosome, I took half a Cialis. I don't know why. I was a bit insecure. I hadn't had two women since I was in graduate school. My heart pounded so hard and I felt so weird, I canceled the date and went to bed, laying very still for several hours until the major effects had passed. People have been killed by those fucking pills.

But I'm out there, prowling the grocery stores and the hospital, hitting up your aunt or mother. I've found that the computer repair come-on works very well. Many older folks had no education or exposure to the infernal things yet have discovered the joys of online shopping, medical information, and interest groups. Recent surveys have shown that more women than men are online, and the fastest growing segment are those over 50. Maybe you'll see me or maybe I pass by unnoticed, some old codger in a baseball cap and a bag slung over his shoulder with his laptop, network cables, KY and rubbers.


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Greybeard | 51 comments (38 topical, 13 editorial, 1 hidden)
by insomnyuk on Sun Apr 15, 2007 at 10:41:39 PM EST


"There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness." - H.L. Mencken
Which way is upside down? (3.00 / 3) (#41)
by Wen Jian on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 06:46:34 AM EST

I don't remember being taught the correct way to place bananas in a shopping trolley.

Like this?:


or like this?:
/  \
It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
[ Parent ]

Dictionary: AAAAA ... AAAAE ... AAAAI .... (none / 1) (#9)
by Peahippo on Sun Apr 15, 2007 at 11:50:03 PM EST

You're so old that they used to call you "o", since they didn't even have consonants back then. Time for Viagra (or as you knew it: "iaa").

Don't need it. (none / 0) (#14)
by sudogeek on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 11:23:57 AM EST

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]
But everybody needs \/14gr4! $ (none / 0) (#17)
by MichaelCrawford on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 12:06:49 PM EST

Looking for some free songs?

[ Parent ]

They oldest programmer I ever met (3.00 / 5) (#11)
by MichaelCrawford on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 06:15:02 AM EST

At 43, I'm far older than most computer programmers - most find some way to move on by their mid-30's.

But this 65 year old device driver programmer came to visit to help me out on a contract once. I was astonished he'd continued with programming so long, but he said his wife had had cancer and they were deeply in debt. He wanted to retire but couldn't.

I wrote my first program in 1976 on a coding form, sort of like a piece of graph paper with 80 columns to correspond to the capacity of Hollerith cards. My father, a grad student at the U of Idaho, snuck me into the computer lab where I typed it into a paper teletype terminal.

Looking for some free songs?

I'm not a programmer. (3.00 / 2) (#15)
by sudogeek on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 11:31:35 AM EST

But I know how to program. I'm more of a contemporary of your father. When I went to  engineering school, my father (also an engineer) gave me a slide rule engraved with my name. I learned programming in graduate school using Fortran on a SDS Sigma 7. In the lab, we had PDP-8's that we programmed with paper tape. I think that dates me well enough.

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]
+1, you have suceeded in (none / 1) (#12)
by GrubbyBeardedHermit on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 06:47:05 AM EST

scaring the shit out of me


I don't get this. (none / 1) (#13)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 08:05:08 AM EST

What were you downloading again?


Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.

+1 fp (3.00 / 17) (#18)
by circletimessquare on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 12:41:04 PM EST

i grew up in a rural farm house, same house my mom grew up in. my granddad lived with us, my grandmother, his wife, had passed away when i was born

what my granddad used to do when was about aged 7-12, when he was supposed to be babysitting me after school, but before the age where i started hunting women on my own, is that he would take me out on his soires visiting various elderly single women throughout town for tea. me and my granddad, in a 1970s era whale of a chrysler, going 10 mph, trolling for 7 decade old punany. YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good times

my favorite was the old polish lady who was more george c scott's patton than little old lady. she told us how she helped take over a disabled russian tank after the crew had been killed by germans in wwii, and went on with the attack with some other polish patriots. hard core old polish lady, stout and tough as nails. she had medals and pictures, it was pretty cool. she used to march by herself in the veteran's day parade, the only woman, the only foreigner. i always admired her, kosciusko's own personal latter day polish envoy to the colonies

anyway, my granddad was quite the lady's man because he was a prolific letter to the editor of the local paper writer, on environmental issues, so all the little old lady audobon members knew and loved him. in other words, yes, you heard me right: my grandfather was a newspaper troll, so in a way, i'm just keeping up the family tradition

heh, how come all this k5 crap i write doesn't get me any snatch?

finally, all men out there listen up: if you make it past a certain age, like 70 i think, because men drop like flies but women hang on, it's something like 5,6,7-to-1 ratio in the old folks home of women to men

so just hang on and take care of the heart, and you too can have your own personal harem of crinkly old wrinkled pussy

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

Encourage (3), CTS admitting he's a rural hick $ (none / 1) (#34)
by Torka on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 12:34:50 AM EST

[ Parent ]
admit? i'm proud of it nt (none / 0) (#46)
by circletimessquare on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 02:36:22 PM EST

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
Missing Snatch (3.00 / 2) (#39)
by harrystottle on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 03:58:48 AM EST

"heh, how come all this k5 crap i write doesn't get me any snatch?"

surely that's down to the low proportion of females who play this game?

Mostly harmless
[ Parent ]

I for one will be voting this (2.00 / 2) (#19)
by mybostinks on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 01:56:47 PM EST

up to FP.

It is a delightful read.

I'm intrigued (3.00 / 6) (#21)
by Corey Haim on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 06:43:25 PM EST

How did Ubuntu run on that P2? Did you use the lighter XUbuntu version?

It's a 400MHz .. (3.00 / 3) (#22)
by sudogeek on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 07:17:00 PM EST

.. with 256 Mb RAM (after I slapped in an old PC100 12bMb stick). 6.06 runs a bit slow with the default Gnome desktop, but faster than the spyware-infested Win95 that was on it. Being the old fart I am, I usually run FVWM. With this, computers of this generation are actually quite peppy.  It's quite easy to configure this for unsophisticated users.  Right-click anywhere to access the menu, choose Firefox, and off you go.  You can install fvwm-themes - some of those are quite nice.

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]
I'm thinking about a 128Mb P3 800 (none / 1) (#23)
by Corey Haim on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 08:13:05 PM EST

with Win98. Out of interest I tried the live CD in it about a year ago, and it hung somewhere during the configuration. Gave up: it was for someone who would need a proper desktop environment.

Not really enough of a priority to go looking for old memory yet. A relative's PC, so your motivation of getting laid would sorta be a big disincentive here.

[ Parent ]

This isn't /. (3.00 / 2) (#24)
by sudogeek on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 09:27:40 PM EST

So I don't want to get into a UI flame war.  Are you implying FVWM is not a proper desktop environment?

With that machine, Ubuntu or Xubuntu should run fine, even with Gnome.  I have had that same experience, usually on HP products. Often the install hangs at usb or other hardware detection. Often, it's the video card or X modelines that need to be tweaked. You can run a manual installer instead of the automatic one. That requires a bit more attention, but may allow you to get past these problems.

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]

No, no (3.00 / 2) (#29)
by Corey Haim on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 10:07:46 PM EST

I meant "desktop environment" (gnome/kde/xfce) as opposed to a window manager like FVWM. Not a criticism, I use Fluxbox but it's for someone who wouldn't appreciate editing their menus using Vim.

[ Parent ]
now I feel old (none / 1) (#25)
by horny smurf on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 09:33:48 PM EST

In '97 or so, I had a PII 233 with 32Megabytes and a 4gig hard drive. One Gig was a linux (red hat 5) partition. It handled x windows fine, though this was with WindowMaker. KDE/Gnome (very early versions) worked fine, but this was before they tried to waste cycles on transparency and animated cursors.

[ Parent ]
It handles X fine (3.00 / 1) (#28)
by Corey Haim on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 10:07:36 PM EST

It's still got RH7 lurking on a forgotten partition.

But the Ubuntu site has something along the lines of, "Minimum 256Mb. If you have less than that, use Xubuntu instead." (xfce based)

I'm reluctant to use that because it's for someone who's phobic of mice, and the xfce logo is a big black rat.

[ Parent ]

Don't dis incest. (none / 1) (#26)
by jimbo brothers on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 09:40:25 PM EST

It is the best.

[ Parent ]
[+3]surrealistic (none / 1) (#48)
by mirko on Wed Apr 18, 2007 at 03:37:21 AM EST

You, Sir, are a parangon of surrealism: you just read about to gerontophiliac fantasies and yet you just care about the Linux distro... I admit this made me laugh hence my +3.
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
+1FP. A good read. (2.00 / 2) (#27)
by xC0000005 on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 10:01:48 PM EST

Voice of the Hive - Beekeeping and Bees for those who don't
I look forward (none / 0) (#30)
by mybostinks on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 10:14:37 PM EST

to more.

Of These type of stories or (none / 0) (#35)
by xC0000005 on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 12:43:31 AM EST

these type of experiences? (I feel old at 34. Stories like this give me hope. :))

Voice of the Hive - Beekeeping and Bees for those who don't
[ Parent ]
huh (none / 0) (#37)
by eavier on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 03:28:14 AM EST

I always thought of you as a semi-retired ecentric 50 something bee freak.

There goes the rug out from under my feet again.

Whatever you do, don't take it into your house. It's probably full of Greeks. - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi

Ufology Doktor in da house

[ Parent ]

by anonymous-66714 on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 08:08:29 AM EST

Lo! And the four horsemen of the Kuropocalypse did chance to hasten down my street this very night; their pounding hooves battering out a terrible and sickening disquietude at the drawbridge of my soul...

Scorn ye this portent at your peril, K5

[ Parent ]

that reminds me (3.00 / 2) (#31)
by horny smurf on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 11:29:38 PM EST

I read an article last year about the increasing rate of STDs among retirement home dwellers thanks to viagra/cialis/etc.

FP, but only because your fingers didn't tremble from a mixture of anticipation and Parkinson's as you slid off Kathy's depends and feasted on her wrinkled clam.

Well done. +FP from me. (none / 1) (#32)
by dakini on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 11:42:03 PM EST

" May your vision be clear, your heart strong, and may you always follow your dreams."
I have to give this a +1 (none / 1) (#38)
by Petrovski on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 03:43:20 AM EST

Because it completely opend my eyes to the fact that there are old men Don Juans, and not just old men who can still get with the younger girls. Also, that some old women are actually more... desirable than others. Before i ignored it and turned the blind eye, but it is a chilling fact, undoubtedly true.

You're such a moron (none / 0) (#42)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 07:22:17 AM EST


Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

It cuts both ways. (3.00 / 2) (#45)
by sudogeek on Tue Apr 17, 2007 at 10:19:53 AM EST

If you review your literature, Don Juan, Casanova, Lothario, and all of the other were not simply cocksmen and scorekeepers. They loved women.

At a certain age, with the realities of death and divorce (over 50% of marriages), there are single people. They are not monks. They do not want to spend their too brief moment in the sun alone. And what beter way to spend a morning or afternonn or anytime, for that matter.

Tempus fugit. Carpe diem. Et cetera.

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]

Yeah (none / 1) (#49)
by trhurler on Thu Apr 19, 2007 at 10:20:43 PM EST

What is it with old people and their unfailing desire to pin their health care costs on the young? Do you realize that if the AARP and friends had their way, they'd bankrupt the entire nation?

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

What a great concept! (1.50 / 2) (#50)
by sudogeek on Fri Apr 20, 2007 at 05:08:20 PM EST

Intergenerational transfer of your wealth to me.  Yeah! Let's have more of that.

On a more sober note, you know the over 60 group votes and gives money.  Until other demographic groups flex their electoral muscles, the elected representatives will continue to pander to the elderly.

I am in favor of Medicare for all, even you, as a solution for our national health care disgrace. You pay for most of it already. The cost of expanding it to cover everyone would be less that your current Medicare withholding plus your current health care insurance premiums.

Join us. It is your destiny.

There's a sucker born every minute, and you're an hour's worth.
[ Parent ]

Well (none / 1) (#51)
by trhurler on Fri Apr 20, 2007 at 09:23:46 PM EST

I don't want Medicare. My current coverage is decidedly superior. Besides, your figures are nonsense; Medicare is among the most expensive coverage around - I'm doing more than subsidizing you with taxes, after all - I'm subsidizing you with my insurance, because I'm charged enough to make up for the fact that you can't legally BE charged enough.

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
Greybeard | 51 comments (38 topical, 13 editorial, 1 hidden)
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