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[P]
When You Come to the US On Holiday

By GrandWazoo in Culture
Sat May 19, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: all tags, Kuro5hin is dying, k5 is dead (all tags)

There is no good reason to do so but if you come to the United States this year there are a few good tips to keep in mind. Write them down and keep them handy. The most important thing to do is to refer to them often.

These tips are important whether you are visiting from Canada, Germany, Israel or Australia. They will serve you well and in most cases keep you out of embarrassing situations you would not like to find yourself.

It might be handy when you plan your trip. Let's get started...


  • We are a nation of self-righteous do-gooders. There is no limit to our belief that the world revolves around the United States and the world needs us. The ultimate example of this of course is the war in Iraq. We are in the middle of The-War-On-Everything that we don't like. Please keep this in mind if you ask for assistance with something, especially directions.

  • It is true that we are a nation of drug addicts. We try to hide this by spending more money on "The War On Drugs" than most nations spend on welfare. In fact, "The War On Drugs" IS a form of welfare to the countries of Central and South America. Do not be shocked when you see the throngs of crack whores, pimps and housewives laying around on the streets of large metropolitan areas stoned and raped.

  • Remember that we are a nation originally founded on the principles of Puritanism. This means that you must be very careful about where and when you have oral sex, sodomy or other known sexual perversions that most Americans can't define but know when they see it. Most Americans only know one sexual position...the missionary position. This will seem strange to Europeans since most Europeans quit practicing a faith a generation ago. It is something you must tolerate.

  • Getting immersed in American culture first hand will disappoint you tremendously. AM and FM radio is no place to learn our culture. If you listen to music on the radio long enough you will want to slit your throat it is so bad. No matter where you go it will sound like you are listening to the same station over and over. It won't matter what part of this large country you are at it will always sound like the same tired crap. In order to avoid this, you will be wise to bring your own music. Should you make the mistake of listening to AM radio you will find yourself scratching your head wondering why all the talk shows hired Nazis from the Third Reich.

  • Watching TV this summer, especially the evening news, will make you scratch your head even more. It will seem to you that our presidential elections are just around the corner when in fact the elections are over a year away. The candidates everyone are talking about now will not even be in the presidential race come November 2008 when the actual elections are held.

  • We are a nation of two languages English and Spanish. If you know either one you will do fine. The Mexican government ignored the Treaty of Guadalupe and finally won the war. Stay as far away as possible from the U.S.-Mexican border this is where a "War-On-Something" is going on and of course we are losing that one too.

  • As you travel about the country, you will find our automotive habits very odd. Everything we drive guzzles gas. The most unusual sight will be the muscle cars that are still being driven around. It is a contest to see who will put the last drop of gasoline in their gas tank. The pinnacle of gas guzzling are NASCAR races...the largest spectator sport in the world. Here you will see how fast gas guzzling occurs and how well everyone ignores diminishing oil reserves.

  • You will notice that many Americans are FAT especially those on public assistance. Once I asked an African from Ethiopia why he wanted to live in the U.S. of all places. His response was, "Because even the poorest people in America are fat." It takes some getting use to. It's the result of our "War-On-Poverty" back in the 1960s.

  • You will be puzzled by the term States' Rights and most Americans are too. The best example of States' Rights is that our public education system is NOT CONTROLLED by the Federal government but individual states, local towns and cities. This is the direct result of the "War-On-Ignorance". We also have a firm belief that everyone should have a college education whether or not they can read or write. The best example of this are our college athletes. Look at me, I am not the sharpest tool in the shed. Most Europeans could graduate from Harvard in two years instead of the four years it takes most Americans.

  • Most foreign visitors to the U.S. will be shocked by what Americans call old. You will hear things like "This church is two hundred years old" and "when this country was founded, over two hundred years ago...." etc. Again you will find yourself scratching your head.
Finally, people will think you talk funny. Keep in mind however that it is the Americans that talk funny.

Oh and one last thing: don't take trains or buses, they aren't what you think they are. Enjoy your stay!

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When You Come to the US On Holiday | 142 comments (105 topical, 37 editorial, 3 hidden)
There is an age at which... (2.27 / 11) (#2)
by debillitatus on Sun May 20, 2007 at 12:17:33 AM EST

someone ceases to find heavy-handed satire with a message so old it can only be described as "horse-beating" amusing.  

For most people, this age is eight years old.

C'mon, man, this would be too trite even for Bill Maher.

Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!

Oh, I don't know (2.80 / 5) (#39)
by regeya on Mon May 21, 2007 at 01:06:58 AM EST

Hand this copy to John Cleese or Stephen Fry, and it would be funny. Then again, either of those actors could make the warning labels on cigarettes sound hilariously funny...so nevermind.

[ yokelpunk | kuro5hin diary ]
[ Parent ]

BITING ON YOUR WEAKSAUCE TROLL (2.44 / 9) (#6)
by Tex Bigballs on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:12:15 AM EST



I think you have done an excellent job with (3.00 / 4) (#7)
by ShadowOfTheNight on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:20:44 AM EST

this "tongue in cheek article." Reading between the lines actually made me laugh so hard I thought I would fall off my chair.

I have traveled throughout the U.S. and found it to be a most friendly and beautiful country. I guess what I found to stand out, is that Americans are a very proud people. Proud of who they are. You see flags on many houses and cars, state flags and national flags. You don't see this in other countries I have visited. And don't get me started on those accents, especially the Southern ones!

Anyway, I find this article to be well done and gets a +FP from me when it gets to voting. Thanks for the laughs!

thanks (1.50 / 1) (#11)
by GrandWazoo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:44:36 AM EST

glad you laughed.

[ Parent ]
Hell yeah! (none / 0) (#12)
by ShadowOfTheNight on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:46:54 AM EST



[ Parent ]
ROR (none / 0) (#46)
by tsunami on Mon May 21, 2007 at 05:39:10 AM EST




--------------
I also saw a madman crazily pumping this polygon thing to roughly the same timing as a functional wank. - A Trolled An Anonymised Englishman
[ Parent ]
Post-9/11? (none / 0) (#58)
by rusty on Mon May 21, 2007 at 01:06:58 PM EST

There weren't nearly so many flags before 9/11. Maybe still more than you'd see in other countries, but these days, it's just ridiculous.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]
That depends on where you are. (none / 0) (#61)
by wiredog on Mon May 21, 2007 at 01:18:45 PM EST

In the Deep South, and in the Intermountain West, most houses had flags, and many businesses had flags in the windows. Well, away from the cities anyway.

The idea of a global village is wrong, it's more like a gazillion pub bars.
Phage
[ Parent ]

South and West. But I saw lots in between. (none / 0) (#65)
by ShadowOfTheNight on Mon May 21, 2007 at 03:55:49 PM EST



[ Parent ]
South and West pre 9/11 (none / 0) (#98)
by wiredog on Tue May 22, 2007 at 08:14:15 AM EST

After 9/11 it spread.

The idea of a global village is wrong, it's more like a gazillion pub bars.
Phage
[ Parent ]

Yes, it was last year. (none / 0) (#64)
by ShadowOfTheNight on Mon May 21, 2007 at 03:54:12 PM EST



[ Parent ]
You forgot a language... (1.00 / 10) (#13)
by undermyne on Sun May 20, 2007 at 12:20:43 PM EST

the one spoken by the aforementioned fat lazy public assistance consumers.

Niggerish.

Even if you speak english AND spanish, you will be fucked trying to understand more than 2 or 3 words of any sentence of niggerish (and the ones you will understand will be bitch, fuck, and shit). It is most common in the coastal areas.


"SEALED MASTICATION MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? " thekubrix
Get with the program: (2.28 / 7) (#14)
by Peahippo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 01:24:12 PM EST

Niglish. You could use "Ebonics" equally as well. Check it, low dog! Word out, bitch!


[ Parent ]
waddup foo! $ (3.00 / 2) (#15)
by horny smurf on Sun May 20, 2007 at 03:47:06 PM EST



[ Parent ]
For K5ers (none / 1) (#121)
by Xptic on Thu May 24, 2007 at 04:02:34 AM EST

Skeet skeet means to masturbate.  K5ers should be familiar with the translation for their favorite activity.

[ Parent ]
no you fucking idiot (none / 0) (#135)
by Zap Brannigan on Sun Jun 10, 2007 at 08:50:52 PM EST

it means to ejaculate in a womans face.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=skeet+skeet

[ Parent ]

I pushed it to voting /nt (none / 0) (#16)
by GrandWazoo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 06:08:42 PM EST



Great But(t) (2.50 / 4) (#17)
by Peahippo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 06:17:35 PM EST

Great, but you have an uphill battle. There are still waaaaaay too many Americans who can't bear to hear that their beloved Western Suckilization basically ... well, sucks. This is a nation of drugged-up greedbags who live in expensive wood boxes, all lorded over by elites who indulge in even more of the same. (With some exceptions -- some of the elite actually DO build their homes from stone.)


[ Parent ]
thanks! but that is OK by me (none / 0) (#18)
by GrandWazoo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 06:23:46 PM EST



[ Parent ]
And lemme guess... (none / 1) (#19)
by debillitatus on Sun May 20, 2007 at 06:46:13 PM EST

you know what they want better than they do?

No matter how you slice it, this is pretty much what people want.  Noone is stopping anyone from abandoning Western Suckilization and moving to Saudi Arabia, or Malawi, or a cave in Montana.  Some people do it, but they are few and far between.

Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!
[ Parent ]

As a Matter of Fact, I Do. (1.50 / 2) (#21)
by Peahippo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 07:05:24 PM EST

Well, Sport, I do know better than they do that they can't keep gas at less that $2/gal and continue swallowing down more and more gas with SUVs and exoburb living. You can want all you want, but if you pursue those wants to highly destructive ends, then your civilization becomes a major piece of suckage. Hence my complaint and observation.

Western Civilization is not a thing to pursue, but a thing to RETURN to. We can return to it by stopping being niggers and morons. No move to a Saudi tent, Afghan cave or Somali hut is required.

Pardon me while I tip your sacred cow, like, right the fuck over. {tip}


[ Parent ]
Yeah, yeah, I know... (2.00 / 2) (#22)
by debillitatus on Sun May 20, 2007 at 07:16:29 PM EST

peak oil, market crash, economic depression, hole in the ozone layer, resource scarcity, overpopulation, global warming, we are totally fucked.  

Except people have been whistling this tune for the last half-century.  Not once has any of these things come to pass.

I'll believe it when I see it.  I'll start thinking about believing it when one, just one, of the apocalyptic predictions come true.

Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!
[ Parent ]

Jeebus! (2.60 / 5) (#27)
by Peahippo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 08:57:02 PM EST

You know, this is the basis for half the arguments I get into with Kurons and others. We all live in the future but have simply grown used to it ... hence most people can't see it anymore, if they ever did.

We've had peak oil (US output peaked years ago, and world output is peaking now) and now have a perpetual oil war in the Middle East.

We've had market crashes which have driven the middle class into pervasive bankruptcy.

We've had economic depression that caused families to seek 2 jobs and forego family unity.

Don't you get it yet? This is a decay, where things fall apart, but rarely in a catastrophe whereby you can point to a pile of still-smoking rubble and say:

"Aha! See, I told you the foundation was weak!"

America is now facing hellish costs of perpetuating a car-based sprawl. We work the longest hours of any First World nation, and spend more time in out cars to accomplish that anyway. We're already living in a hell future. That's why your kids are hopped up on Paxil and experience more and more "lockdowns".


[ Parent ]
Not my kids. (none / 1) (#35)
by debillitatus on Sun May 20, 2007 at 10:44:03 PM EST

Anyway, if what you say is true, we've reached peak oil and the price of our fuel is skyrocketing and volatile, why have people not made any changes to save such fuel?

And I'm not even talking something as drastic as moving back into the city.  I mean, why don't people carpool?  Why don't they cut out some discretionary driving?

I think it is safe to deduce that people do not feel a pinch with these prices and it's really not a big deal to people at the current levels.

Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!
[ Parent ]

Uh... (2.00 / 2) (#55)
by BJH on Mon May 21, 2007 at 12:16:53 PM EST

Anyway, if what you say is true, we've reached peak oil and the price of our fuel is skyrocketing and volatile, why have people not made any changes to save such fuel?

Well, that's probably because you're a country of self-centered fuckheads obsessed with fulfilling your most pointless needs immediately, and can't be bothered looking ahead even a few years to see what's coming down the road.
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]

Yeah, um, no. (none / 0) (#76)
by debillitatus on Mon May 21, 2007 at 06:59:08 PM EST

You fail it miserably on reading comprehension.

Why don't you go ahead and reread what I wrote, and then what you wrote?  Keep doing so until you understand that you fail it.

Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!
[ Parent ]

We have. Well, kinda (none / 1) (#116)
by godix on Tue May 22, 2007 at 10:52:01 PM EST

Last time gas prices spiked in the US the sales of new SUVs tanked. Prices went lower again and sales went up. Gas has gone up again so in about two months I expect to read a story about all those poor car salesmen going bankrupt because SUV sales have died again.


- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.
[ Parent ]
WHAT CONCERNS ME IS NOT THAT STUFF, BUT THE KIND (2.00 / 2) (#40)
by insomnyuk on Mon May 21, 2007 at 02:18:54 AM EST

OF THING THAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN - OVERLOADING THE ENTITLEMENTS IN THIS COUNTRY. THEY ARE ALREADY PUSHED TO THE BRINK. THE BABY BOOMERS ARE GOING TO MERRILY DRAG US ALL DOWN TO HELL.

---
"There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness." - H.L. Mencken
[ Parent ]
A question for you (3.00 / 5) (#26)
by Tatarigami on Sun May 20, 2007 at 07:56:18 PM EST

Are the lines at customs divided into cavity search/non cavity search?

Because if it's all the same to Homeland Security, I'll go for non.

It's a trap (none / 1) (#53)
by khallow on Mon May 21, 2007 at 11:31:45 AM EST

The line for noncavity searches gets cavity searched harder since after all, you're trying to evade a search. So you must be hiding somthing.

Stating the obvious since 1969.
[ Parent ]

Well, yes (3.00 / 4) (#72)
by Tatarigami on Mon May 21, 2007 at 06:13:45 PM EST

...and it's better for everyone if it stays hidden.

[ Parent ]
You missed a few (3.00 / 12) (#28)
by godix on Sun May 20, 2007 at 09:02:01 PM EST

Here's some further points any tourist should know.

Yes, we Americans love our guns, but even so when we say 'shoot' we're just using slang. It means 'go ahead'. You can quit ducking and looking around for a gunman in panic. Rest assured that if we really want to shoot you then we won't give any warning which means you'll be blissful in your ignorance of danger right up to the point when your brains get splattered all over the wall.

Speaking of getting shot, make sure you have all your medical needs taken care of before entering the US cause god knows you won't get your medical needs taken care while you're here.

Don't talk to Americans about politics. We don't care and might think you're one of those worthless fancy ass college educated intellectual bastards. The only reason we know there are other countries besides the US is that all our products are stamped 'Made in (some shithole of a country here)'. So don't even try mentioning the UN, Darfur, Israel, Iran, North Korea, etc; we just don't give a damn. As for US politics, well, there's a reason less than 50% of us bother to vote.

A fag is not a cigarette. Don't bother asking anyone to lend you one. There's a slim but very disturbing chance someone might actually lend a fag.

It's pronouced 'z' not 'zed'. On a similar note, when writing just delete about half the of the letter Us in your words. It doesn't matter which U's you delete, even if you don't end up with the right spelling for American English you'll still probably be closer to correct than American high school students spelling.

If you aren't in New York City then don't ask about public transit. It doesn't exist. Sure, we pretend there's some elsewhere but trust me, it doesn't fucking exist.

Despite what our media shows, 'What's up nigger' is not a proper greeting unless you yourself happen to be a nigger.

The Dukes of Hazard lies, our police are nothing like that. They have much better aim for one thing. Go rewatch the Rodney King beating if you want an accurate representation of our police.


- An egotist is someone who thinks they're almost as good as I am.

correction: (none / 0) (#47)
by circletimessquare on Mon May 21, 2007 at 07:16:22 AM EST

no foreigner would know what the hell the dukes of hazzard is

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
correction: (none / 1) (#49)
by vivelame on Mon May 21, 2007 at 07:40:52 AM EST

i for one, do.
and i know for a fact i'm not alone.

--
Jonathan Simon: "When the autopsy of our democracy is performed, it is my belief that media silence will be given as the primary cause of death."
[ Parent ]
if that's true (2.75 / 4) (#50)
by circletimessquare on Mon May 21, 2007 at 07:51:45 AM EST

i weep for the world


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
When I was 8 or 9... (3.00 / 2) (#54)
by BJH on Mon May 21, 2007 at 12:12:10 PM EST

...the cool kids in class were pretending that they were Bo, Luke or Daisy.

This is in NZ, mind you.
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]

does the world really care that much (3.00 / 2) (#56)
by circletimessquare on Mon May 21, 2007 at 12:33:23 PM EST

about stupid american crap?

i've been arguing forever that the world doesn't revolve around the usa, and now i hear about kiwis watching the dukes of hazzard

christ! what the hell is wrong with this planet?

fucking american cultural detritus like that shit in new zealand?


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

nz buys foriegn tv at cut rate prices (none / 1) (#75)
by livus on Mon May 21, 2007 at 06:55:46 PM EST

one of our free-to-airs has US detritus, and another has UK detritus. We get quite a few current cable shows on our free to air. I have no idea why its so cheap for us, but it is.

Back in the day where the dukes of h was on tv, we only had a couple of channels. We had a population of just over 3 million people - not viable for a truly commercial channel - and the state owned all our television, so they couldn't afford to make enough local content to fill up the airwaves. It's cheaper to buy a drama than to make one, at the prices we pay.  

Nowdays it's better. Percentagewise there's a lot more local content. There are more free channels including a Maori TV station, we also have pay per view, and they're phasing in free digital. A few programmes are successfully sold to other countries, the latest AFIK being a kids show Jane and the Dragon (I may have that wrong though). In fact NZ invented one or two of the horrible reality tv show formats that everyone else uses.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

u see eagle vs shark? nt (none / 1) (#81)
by circletimessquare on Mon May 21, 2007 at 07:26:42 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
not yet, have you? (none / 0) (#87)
by livus on Mon May 21, 2007 at 08:51:47 PM EST

I hear it's getting a few meh reviews from the US.

I liked his short films, plus it has the star of the excellent film Tongan Ninja.


---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

tongan ninja (none / 1) (#94)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:10:35 AM EST

lol

no i haven't seen it but it's getting big press


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

Argentina too (none / 1) (#101)
by vqp on Tue May 22, 2007 at 03:46:48 PM EST

How can I forget countless hours in front of the tv viewing those american masterpieces like "Zorro", "BJ", "Sheriff Lobo", "Little house in the praire",  "Starsky and Hutch".

happiness = d(Reality - Expectations) / dt

[ Parent ]
how sad ;-( i'm sorry nt (none / 0) (#103)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:02:58 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
Funnier than the actual article. NT (none / 0) (#141)
by Kadin2048 on Fri Jun 29, 2007 at 05:29:30 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Brilliant (3.00 / 4) (#30)
by i1n3k on Sun May 20, 2007 at 09:46:43 PM EST

I am actually planning on driving across the States from my home city of Toronto to LA (via Chicago, woo Route 66) and back out along the Pacific coast this summer.  I figure I ought to learn a little about my neighbours to the south.

Once again, the Internet delivers with timely and topical advice I know I can trust!  Now where did I leave my salt shaker...

Libenter homines id quod volunt credunt. — Julius Caesar

Ah yes! the Mother Road (3.00 / 2) (#31)
by GrandWazoo on Sun May 20, 2007 at 10:02:52 PM EST

you will enjoy your trip along The Mother Road. It is a part of Americana that has almost disappeared.

[ Parent ]
"Almost" disappeared? (none / 0) (#57)
by rusty on Mon May 21, 2007 at 01:01:34 PM EST

I went cross-country a few years ago, always keeping to two-laners and trying my best to follow the old Rt. 66, and I can say that except for a grand total of about 20 miles, Rt. 66 has unequivocally disappeared.

Nevertheless, doing your best to follow where it used to be is well worth it.

____
Not the real rusty
[ Parent ]

You will love your trip. I spent a month driving (3.00 / 2) (#37)
by dakini on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:24:10 PM EST

through various states last year, and enjoyed every minute of it. I didn't go across like you did, as being in the west, i zigzagged down then across, basically going in a huge circle. A great experience I must say. I am planning another journey that way, either this fall or next spring. Enjoy your travels!

" May your vision be clear, your heart strong, and may you always follow your dreams."
[ Parent ]
Some additions: (2.80 / 10) (#36)
by LilDebbie on Sun May 20, 2007 at 11:19:15 PM EST

Do not drink the beer unless it is sold in quantities no greater than a six-pack. Guinness will taste different.

That funny aftertaste in the food is something we call preservatives. We put it there so we don't have to go to the grocer as often.

For some reason, people get fatter the further you go from the coasts.

Unless it says baked or grilled, it's fried, which is to say it is cooked by immersing it in boiling oil. Yes, this applies to vegetables too.

Do not attempt to smoke indoors. You will be shot by people concerned about your health.

You may hear sudden explosions. Do not worry; it's just bored teenagers.

Avoid shopping malls. If you must enter one, make ample use of your preferred seditive beforehand. If you find yourself sobering up inside, ask a helpful Customer Service Representative (anyone wearing a nametag) where the nearest Applebees is. Order a margherita or three.

Enjoy your stay!

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

correction: (3.00 / 2) (#48)
by circletimessquare on Mon May 21, 2007 at 07:17:10 AM EST

shopping malls ARE sedatives

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
Well (none / 0) (#68)
by 4343 on Mon May 21, 2007 at 04:40:04 PM EST

The Guinness you get in the USA is just "a Guinness-like beverage", isn't it?

K5: Yawn in 60 seconds --Liar
[ Parent ]
No, it's Guinness (none / 1) (#89)
by LilDebbie on Mon May 21, 2007 at 10:21:27 PM EST

but it loses something in the journey across the pond.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Guinness (none / 0) (#127)
by mstefan on Tue May 29, 2007 at 02:57:49 AM EST

If you can get it on tap, then you're in pretty good shape in terms of taste. The bottled stuff is kind of wretched in comparison, I'll agree.

[ Parent ]
Colorado is the second thinnest state, ass. (none / 0) (#124)
by fluxrad on Sat May 26, 2007 at 11:15:31 PM EST

Just 'cause you live in that dirty hippie fuckhole of a state doesn't mean we all live with rock trolls.

"IS THAT A DVD PLAYA?!?!? DO I SMELL COOKIES?!?!?!"

--
"It is seldom liberty of any kind that is lost all at once."
-David Hume
[ Parent ]
USA FTW (3.00 / 14) (#41)
by insomnyuk on Mon May 21, 2007 at 02:25:42 AM EST

I have been to Europe a few times, Canada, etc. A few things you might notice that are different, especially in the midwest.

People won't get out of the speed lane even if they're going slow. You will have to pass them on the right (in the US, that's abnormal).

Folks will smile at you, even people working in gas stations or at waffle house. They'll talk about the weather or bum you a cigarette.

People will hold doors open for you if your arms are full.

People will return your mis-placed wallet to you, with nothing missing.

People really, really like bowling out here. A lot. The alleys are packed on weeknights. They have leagues for that shit.

People will look you in the eye, perfect strangers will nod as they pass.

Beautiful women can be found in even the smallest shithole towns, amazingly.

There are a lot of fat people, but they are usually happy.

---
"There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness." - H.L. Mencken

FTW (none / 0) (#120)
by Xptic on Thu May 24, 2007 at 03:57:09 AM EST

I had never heard of the concept of a speed lane till I got to Italy.  I think most USians will ride the speed lane without thinking.

[ Parent ]
Wrong impression (3.00 / 7) (#51)
by Sgt York on Mon May 21, 2007 at 09:48:51 AM EST

re: bullet point on "nation of two languages." You make it sound like the US-Mexico border is a defined thing. For the ferriners, the US-Mexico border is approximately the southern half of Texas, and California and most of Arizona and New Mexico. The border zone creeps north at a rate of about 15-20 miles/yr.

Which brings us to point #2: No mention of the metric system? What are those poor Europeans going to do when they see that it's 30 degrees outside and decide to go swimming?

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.

Unlike many countries, (3.00 / 5) (#63)
by rpresser on Mon May 21, 2007 at 03:39:50 PM EST

in the US, water is the only safe thing to drink.  The beer will cause immediate vomiting; the iced tea will cause epilepsy; the coffee will cost far too much; and anything labeled "pop", "soda", or "soft drink" will give you diabetes in a few weeks.  (Unless it's "diet soda", in which case it will give you cancer.)

The water, on the other hand, is uniformly fresh, even out of the tap.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty

In every single town, in every state? (none / 0) (#67)
by 4343 on Mon May 21, 2007 at 04:38:56 PM EST

If so, then that's pretty good. The water quality, I mean. The beer quality, on the other hand ... :-P

K5: Yawn in 60 seconds --Liar
[ Parent ]
It was more meant to be humorous than accurate. (none / 0) (#69)
by rpresser on Mon May 21, 2007 at 05:07:04 PM EST

Nevertheless, average water quality is definitely higher than, say, Mexico.  Don't know about Canada.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
Pretty much (none / 1) (#117)
by adamjaskie on Tue May 22, 2007 at 11:58:06 PM EST

Water that is unsafe to drink is the exception rather than the rule. If it isn't safe to drink, it's because somebody failed their monthly inspection by a couple parts-per-million, and the health department has already told everyone not to drink it (it's probably still safer than Mexican water, though). Restaurants will be using bottled water, public water sources will have warning signs on them, and residents will be told to boil their water or buy bottled water.  It's a system built on lawsuits; Europeans wouldn't understand (in the USA, it is customary to sue whenever there is the slightest possibility that you might be able to wring some money out of someone; threatening to sue usually works, too, since you might sue someone for not taking your threat seriously, and, if you have an expensive enough lawyer, you might win).

As for the beer, you just don't want to get beer from a company that brews in volume. Look for local craft breweries; they are generally pretty good.

[ Parent ]

Beer (none / 0) (#118)
by Xptic on Thu May 24, 2007 at 03:49:39 AM EST

I spent time in Italy, England, Germany, and Japan.  Oh, and the US also.

By far, US bars offer more variety than their euroasian counterparts.  Virtually anything you find in a euroasian pub will be in the better US bars as well.  You might pay $5~10 for a bottle of Hefeweizen, but it will be available.

US beer isn't that bad.  Bud, Miller, and Coors are pretty bad, but they brew beer for a huge population over a vast country.  Their beers spend more time being shipped and stored than virtually all euroasian beers.  US beers are also tailored for an audience consisting of people of mixed heritage.  Brits, Poles, Germans, Italians, etc make up the US.  The mass market beers have been formulated to please the mixed palate.

Oh, and Heineken tastes like ass; it isn't just the US brewing shit beer.

[ Parent ]

It doesn't really TASTE (none / 0) (#125)
by adamjaskie on Sun May 27, 2007 at 02:28:46 PM EST

like ass, or anything else for that matter. I prefer Becks. Or Pilsner Urqell.

I'll take a good india pale ale over any of them, though.

[ Parent ]

Drinking Water (none / 0) (#126)
by mstefan on Tue May 29, 2007 at 02:55:16 AM EST

That would be untrue. There's very few towns in California that I would recommend drinking water straight from the tap, unless you have a chlorine deficiency. The lesson you learn very quickly here is that filtered and/or bottled water is your friend.


[ Parent ]
You forgot to profess your undying love of America (3.00 / 2) (#85)
by BottleRocket on Mon May 21, 2007 at 08:19:34 PM EST

(0) Abstain.

$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
$B R Σ III$

Actually bottle, (3.00 / 2) (#96)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:37:15 AM EST

I love America. I am so conservative I would make fascists look like limp-wristed liberals (just kidding).

This was my first attempt at trolling but trying to do it in a light satirical way. I guess I failed it though but not sure about it.

Honestly though, I figured it would dump within hours after it went to vote. I am surprised it even made it to section.

I am still waiting for that story you promised to write. ;)

[ Parent ]

Pretty funny (3.00 / 2) (#95)
by stupidpuppy on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:36:26 AM EST

This guide, however, is a bit unrealistic -- if you listened to (and bought) the euro-press your whole life this description would be way, way too upbeat.

NASCAR and fuel consumption (3.00 / 4) (#97)
by fenris on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:46:25 AM EST

Please avoid using motorsport as a scapegoat for oil consumption.

Over an average NASCAR NEXTEL Cup weekend, the total amount of fuel consumed is roughly 6,000 US Gallons.

A Boeing 767 flying from LA to New York comsumes roughly 9,000 US Gallons of fuel.

One jumbo flight from Australia to the US uses up more fuel than it takes to run a motorcycle racing series like MotoGP or World Superbike for an entire year.

On the metric system ... (3.00 / 3) (#100)
by GiTm on Tue May 22, 2007 at 12:22:42 PM EST

What got me was that as you approached the Mexican border and signs started to indicate Km as well as Mi that the conversion rate used was obviously 1) wrong and 2) variable. The Mi value was correct, the alternative Km value was almost always wrong.

Is this a ploy to get tourists lost so we are tempted to buy more American flags, Indian Artifacts, weak beer and hamburgers ?

Jokes aside, I've been to the US several times and enjoyed it every single one. Smaller country towns are far better than any city and I've found most people go out of their way to make you feel welcome.

Mile Markers (none / 0) (#119)
by Xptic on Thu May 24, 2007 at 03:53:44 AM EST

That's what we get for putting NASA in charge of mile marker conversion...

Just like any country, if you hit the big tourist places, people will take you for a ride and be very rude.  If a USian goes to the Grand Canyon, he gets treated like shit too.

Try going to Seattle and lounging in the parks.

Go to Gulf Shores and check out the casinos.

Check out some of the hot springs in Arkansas.

Get some peaches from Georgia.

Go to Alabama for some BBQ and golf.

Outside of the traps, people are nice and usually glad to meet foreigners.

[ Parent ]

Other niceties that make USA a unique place (none / 0) (#102)
by vqp on Tue May 22, 2007 at 04:08:33 PM EST

USA belongs to several exclusive clubs:

no-sign-kyoto-protocol club
we-have-nukes club
we-used-nukes-on-real-people club (very exclusive)
invade-just-in-case club
only-us-can-judge-our-marines club
have-concentration-camps club

Despite this, I've been in the states several times and I enjoyed it very much. It seems that people have their malice removed and outsourced to government agencies.

happiness = d(Reality - Expectations) / dt

you have got to be shitting me (none / 1) (#136)
by el_guapo on Mon Jun 11, 2007 at 11:54:50 AM EST

"we-used-nukes-on-real-people club (very exclusive)" fucking moron - what's the difference in fire-bombing Cologne and Dresden with incinderaries? look, the Japanese and Germans both committed far worse atrocities - and the atom bombs actually SAVED lives you useless fucking fucktard - to THIS DAY the US military is issuing purple hearts they made for the invasion of Japan proper - go read about the rape of Nanking before you start passing judgment on the the a-bombs. remember, those fucks STILL weren't considering surrender even after the first one
mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
[ Parent ]
Er (none / 0) (#137)
by BJH on Fri Jun 22, 2007 at 06:28:08 AM EST

Shut up. It's obvious you have less than zero knowledge about what was going on toward the end of the war.
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]
oh really? (none / 0) (#138)
by el_guapo on Mon Jun 25, 2007 at 02:42:23 AM EST

you mean like the military taking their own emperor hostage because he wanted to surrender? and you've failed to add any insight to the moral difference between firebombing dresden and cologne to the ground with conventional incendiaries vs hiroshima and nagasaki? like i said, the japanese committed atrocities just as bad as the nazi concentration camps. fucktard
mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
[ Parent ]
Aren't you supposed to be (none / 0) (#139)
by truth rhesus death on Mon Jun 25, 2007 at 07:30:24 PM EST

dead?

rusty on the readership: You're wicked retarded, and you talk like a fag.
[ Parent ]

assmunch /nt (none / 0) (#140)
by el_guapo on Fri Jun 29, 2007 at 01:18:23 AM EST


mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
[ Parent ]
so what? (none / 0) (#142)
by vqp on Sun Sep 09, 2007 at 10:13:34 AM EST

The US is the only member of the use-nukes-on-real-people club.

happiness = d(Reality - Expectations) / dt

[ Parent ]
be sure to visit times square (2.50 / 2) (#104)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:03:50 PM EST

and send me an email

i'll be sure to come down and punch you in the face

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

could we have (1.50 / 1) (#105)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:08:38 PM EST

drinks afterward with a couple of chicks?

[ Parent ]
plenty of chicks in times square (none / 1) (#106)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:17:11 PM EST

...and they are all from europe or japan ;-P


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
excellent (1.50 / 1) (#107)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:21:00 PM EST

I trying to plan a trip there later this summer. Dunno if it will pan out.

I was hoping to meet up with some pasty-skin upstate ladies tho.

[ Parent ]

it's all japanese chicks trying to (none / 1) (#108)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:34:18 PM EST

make it with black guys and european chicks trying to make it with hispanic guys

as for euro guys (are you a euro?) all you have to do is speak with a european accent and your average pasty upstate white chick will drop her pants for you faster than you can say "i'll try that budweiser beer since i'm here"


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

hahaha hilarious! (1.50 / 1) (#109)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:42:10 PM EST

cts you're awesome. I am going to work on my French accent for a couple of months. Dunno if it will cover my southern accent though.

Upstate chicks were panties? Damn :(


[ Parent ]

do you like fat chicks? (none / 1) (#111)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:11:42 PM EST

a lot of american chicks are fat

and you like them pasty? ewwww

what do you mean french accent? where you from? quebec?


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

no not fat ones (1.00 / 1) (#112)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:30:05 PM EST

but not skinny either.

I live in the SW U.S.

[ Parent ]

then what the hell you writing this story for? (none / 1) (#113)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:39:24 PM EST

i thought you were a euro

if you are american, pick up euro chicks in times square

you want pasty chicks from buffalo and albany?

weird


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

it was my first and last attempt (1.50 / 1) (#114)
by GrandWazoo on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:48:33 PM EST

at trolling. I imagine that IFailedIt to a certain degree.

I have posted a bunch of stories at K5.

Euro chix it is then!

[ Parent ]

euro chicks ftw! nt (none / 1) (#115)
by circletimessquare on Tue May 22, 2007 at 07:49:57 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
they wear pants in NYC? interesting. (1.50 / 1) (#123)
by Tlazolteol on Thu May 24, 2007 at 07:54:45 PM EST



[ Parent ]
'Come down'? (none / 0) (#122)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Thu May 24, 2007 at 08:14:31 AM EST

I thought you lived on the corner where that big TV screen is....

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

fighting for the last drop (20 years?) (none / 1) (#110)
by greenisagoodcolor on Tue May 22, 2007 at 06:44:12 PM EST

"It is a contest to see who will put the last drop of gasoline in their gas tank."

I wonder who will get it.  I am eager to see how long the lines are, who will get the last drop, where they drive with it, then it will be funny seeing all the abandoned cars left where they ran out of fuels.

Everyone says, gas will last another 50 years. I say..uh okay sure.  With the individuals of india and china now becoming able to buy cars - the create  auto clubs whose mere purpose is to drive around as much as they can.  
Which is good for three reasons
1.They get to make discoveries (a great joy in life)
2.they have barely even seen there own country
3.It will force gas to run out quicker, therefore switching to sustainable systems sooner then people predict.

Except, of course, (none / 0) (#131)
by Kasreyn on Sun Jun 10, 2007 at 02:43:59 PM EST

for all the hundreds of millions who will inevitably and predictably starve to death when the petroleum-fuelled agribusiness complex collapses when the oil is gone.

Fact of the matter is: our wonderful "modern" system provides each food calorie at a cost of many more calories of oil. (See The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.) Switching to a sustainable system must be done gradually; the screeching halt you (rightly) predict will lead inevitably to breakdowns and glitches in the changeover. In the case of the food (and don't forget pharmaceutical) industries, these glitches will translate to millions upon millions of deaths we could have prevented if we hadn't been so goddamned short-sighted.

But hey, at least an H2 Hummer really makes you feel like your penis is bigger than everyone else's! That's certainly something worth society paying such a grotesque price for.


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
Yuo don't go on "holiday", farktard (none / 1) (#128)
by ClaimJumper on Mon Jun 04, 2007 at 02:20:34 AM EST

We call it "vacation" here in the U.S. ([Cf] the Go-Go's song, "Vacation".)

Also I wouldn't go 'round using the phrase "very odd" so often.  It could get you the shite beaten out of you in certain environs.  And good riddance to bad rubbish.  (This is a phrase all Americans say EVERYday.)


Sounds like you are describing yourself (none / 1) (#129)
by mrcsparker on Mon Jun 04, 2007 at 03:52:45 PM EST

not me.  Go USA!

Coming to US on Holiday (1.50 / 2) (#130)
by jazzdude on Sat Jun 09, 2007 at 09:12:03 AM EST

English and Spanish!? I am English and I had problems being understood. You don't speak English, you speak American - and why not? You think your radio is bad - at least you have jazz/country/rock/classic stations. In U.K we have shite or more shite. Your TV is crap though and you get stressed at the site of naked breasts in public - chill out - they're only boobs.

What about Native American, do they not have a history, languge and culture? We have culture that dates back 10 thousand years! I guess you wiped yours out when you moved the natives aside in the name of democracy. Oh, and you're government likes to create the illusion that you live in a free country! Free country, my arse - sorry, ass. Free so long as you don't get drunk, only shag in the missionary position, and go to church.

Most Americans are fat because they drive everywhere - leave the car at home and go for a walk.

However, in my experience, America is cleaner than England, the public facilities are many times better, the people are much friendlier, service is excellent compared to ours, the roads are way better/bigger/eaiser to navigate, most things are considerably cheaper and you beat the hell out of our theme parks.

fuck service (none / 0) (#132)
by Zap Brannigan on Sun Jun 10, 2007 at 08:42:25 PM EST

I like to tell this story: McDonalds took 30 years to figure out that the British customer didn't like being told to "have a nice day" by a snotty fucking teenager who didn't even mean it. Since around y2k2 - they not tell employees to address customers however they feel is approiate. In my experience this is usually, "allright, mate" or "NEXT PLZ". I enjoy it far more this way.

[ Parent ]
I'm an Indian (none / 0) (#134)
by Chewbacca Uncircumsized on Sun Jun 10, 2007 at 08:45:48 PM EST

Don't waste our time with that fake-ass sympathy, Mr. My Empire Failed

[ Parent ]
I'd do that foulmouth chick from Curb Your (none / 1) (#133)
by Chewbacca Uncircumsized on Sun Jun 10, 2007 at 08:44:16 PM EST

Enthusiasm yo

When You Come to the US On Holiday | 142 comments (105 topical, 37 editorial, 3 hidden)
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