Doesn't matter who you are. God gave all of us, male and female, an
abundance of nerve endings in our rectum - and one life to live. So
why don't you go ahead and test out the equipment? Have some fun. No
point in having a gun sitting on your shelf your entire life and never
killing anyone, right?
But I realize there's a fairly persistent misconception among guys
that I'm gonna have to dispel before we go any further:
Stimulating your own ass is not "gay."
That notion doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, how could
anything you do to your own body be gay? Nobody ever freaks out in
the middle of jerking off like "Holy fuck, I've got a fistful of cock!
I've gotta cut this gay shit out!" Well, what's the philosophical
difference between playing with your dick and playing with your ass?
There is none.
Look fellas, here's the scoop:
If you have a girl wearing a foot long strap-on, smacking your face
and screaming "WHO'S MY BITCH?!?" while she pounds your asshole until
it bleeds, that would be a *heterosexual* act. Girl on guy. Simple.
Now if it's a guy that's fucking you, that would be homosexual. And
if you're doing it to yourself, well, that's plain old masturbation.
But listen - if you're still sitting there being stubborn, all macho
and uptight going "My ass. . . is EXIT ONLY!!!" then lemme just ask
you a question.
You know that feeling you get when you take a really big shit?
You know what I'm talking about. You're sitting on the couch, eating
Cheez-Its and watching Larry King, when all of the sudden you feel
that familiar burning. . . so you get up and bound off to the bathroom
all bow legged, clenching your sphincter real tight, and then you
furiously rip off your boxer briefs and plop down on the seat just in
time to let a huuuuuuge thick turd come sliding out of your ass?
That tingling, chills up your spine,
Well guess what. That's the feeling of a massive rod moving through
your rectum, tickling those wonderfully abundant nerve endings. You
love it. It's okay. We all do. It doesn't make you a fag. Or at the
very least, we're ALL fags. So indulge yourself.
(Yes, I understand that said feeling is partially due to the sensory
experience of toxins leaving the body, which is unique to defecation -
but the operative word here is "partially." You like the log
movement, too. Don't try to argue.)
So anyway, now that you've decided to be bold, and not a homophobic
pussy, and poke around the cornhole a little bit - good for you. But
there's something you should remember. Anal masturbation is just like
playing the accordion, or shooting a jumper, or really anything else
that's worth doing. That is, it requires practice.
You see, back when I was a kid I would get curious and stick a finger
or a toothbrush up there, but I wasn't fucking around with anywhere
near the kind of pleasure I'm achieving now. It was uncomfortable
even. So I worked on it.
And conversely, I know I'm still far from expertise in this particular
discipline. I don't claim to be an ass master. There's a whole world
of lengths, girths, textures, and vibrations that my eager browneye
has yet to inhale.
But since I have honed my skills to a pretty decent level, I'll share
with you my current technique. Without further ado:
SpunkyBrewster's Anal Masturbation Technique
What You Need:
1. Lubricant of your choice
2. Fake cock (eight inches, approx.)
3. Ridged anal wand (seven inches, approx.)
1. Apply a generous amount of lube to your index finger, and swirl
the lubricated finger lightly around your butthole. Add another drop
or two of lube, and then simultaneously push your finger into your
butthole while pushing back with your anus muscles.
2. Slide your finger into your ass up to the knuckle and feel around
for turds. Unless you're an anorexic, you probably will come across
3. Circle your finger around your anal walls pressing outward, as if
you were an umpire signaling a home run. You should be near the
toilet, because this is intended to stimulate a bowel movement. Once
you've shit, and your rectum is empty, then you're ready for some
heavy duty fun.
4. Lube up a second finger and slip them both into your poopchute.
Let your asshole get comfortable with the new mass, and then begin to
pump a little. Repeat with a third finger if you so desire.
5. Slather lube all over the ridged anal wand. Squat over your tool
and press the tip to your now greasy anus. Just as you've done with
your fingers, ease the dildo into your cornhole as you push back onto
it with your ass muscles. Go slowly, stopping at each ridge and
letting your ass adjust to the increase in width, until you have it in
as far as it will go.
6. Now it's time to start pounding. I'm not gonna get more specific
than that. Do it your own way. Experiment with different positions
and rhythms until you find what you like.
7. Once your ass has been thoroughly fucked by the anal wand, it's
time to move up to the larger dildo. Again, you're going to repeat
the process that you've done twice already, with your fingers and the
wand. Entering slowly, pushing back on it, letting yourself adjust,
and then starting to pump.
8. At this point your asshole is really loose, gaping even, and it's
time to move on to my favorite part. Crouch down, or get into
whatever position you feel comfortable with, and hold the fake cock in
one hand and the wand in the other. Work the fake cock in and out,
building the pace until you are doing a high intensity rectal
plundering. Slide it in really deep, pause, then pull it out all the
way - quickly jamming in the anal wand to fill its place. The rapid
transition from smooth to ridged textures will send waves out of
pleasure rippling through your entire body. Then give yourself a nice
hard fuck with the anal wand, and repeat as many times as you'd like.
*In carrying out these steps - even if you take the dump at the
beginning - you still might at some point fuck the shit out of
yourself. This is why I recommend doing it in a bathtub, or on some
other surface that is easy to clean. Now at first you might be
squeamish about the poo, but I think that as you get hardcore into the
pleasure of all this, you'll just naturally get desensitized. Kind of
like a heroin addict quickly gets over his fear of needles.
In fact, I've found that the right kind of poo can easily be
incorporated into the festivities. Sometimes while I'm pounding away
I will feel a sudden rush of heat travel through my ass, and I'll know
that I'm coating the dildo with a somewhat viscous liquid shit. At
this point in the ass ramming, my pain tolerance is rather high, so
I'll simply jam the shitty dildo back up my ass, and let the sudden
decrease in lubrication create an effect similar to the aforementioned
smooth-to-ridged transition. As a matter of fact, this is probably
the most intense sensation that I've come across in my entire anal
So that's how it's done. Quite the activity, I must say. Maybe next
time you're feeling bored and restless, you can give it a shot.
Unless you're a fucking prude, in which case I'd recommend suicide.
Or do a goddamn crossword puzzle, I don't really care.
One more thing I want to say on the subject: I really think anal
penetration should be an Olympic sport. Wouldn't that be neat? I
mean for Christ sakes, we've all seen how much those little Japanese
bastards can eat - can you imagine how much they could stuff up the
other end? It could even be a team sport where one of them has to
take their partner's entire head up their ass.
Well. . . I don't really know how much support I'm gonna get for my
petition to add competitive rectal insertion to the Olympic Games,
we'll have to see - but seriously, speed walking? FUCKING CURLING?!?
It would be far from the dumbest event on the schedule.