Saint Valentine was martyred in the year AD 35, a few short months before Christ was crucified. Jesus had only founded the Catholic church in AD 30, owing to his increasing congregation and inability to manage such a gaggle whilst travelling from city to city. He built the Cathedral Notre Dame on temple mount using his mind powers. Though later stolen by Napolean during the French revolution, the cathedral served as a gathering place for Catholics for many centuries.
Jesus recruited Valentine, a repentent brothel manager, to head up his new cathedral. This is how Valentine became the first priest of the Catholic church.
It should not be surprising that Saint Valentine went to great lengths to attract more followers to Catholicism. He started with his former prostitutes, sending them cards and letters, imploring them to visit the cathedral and pray with him. Being illiterate, the prostitutes had no idea who sent the cards or what they said.
Valentine, dismayed at his failure, eventually realized his error. Too busy with his priestly duties to seek out the dirty whores in person, he instead sent cards with a crude depiction of his familial coat of arms instead, hoping they would know to seek him out. The central symbol of these cards was an obvious ♥.
But how did these simple cards, almost two millenia ago, become the cards we exchange today? First, Valentine had to die. His former slut brigade had fallen under the command of a new pimp, a certain Abu l-Qasim Muhammad ibn `Abd Allāh al-Hashimi al-Qurashi, or Hammy for short.
Hammy didn't like Valentine courting his harem of harlots, and paid Valentine a visit himself. "They should spread their arms and embrace Jesus," Valentine told Hammy. "They should spread their legs and get paid," countered Hammy. Hammy then stabbed Valentine in the right eye with a votive candle. Valentine died of blood loss nineteen days later, on the first day of February.
During his final days, Valentine prepared one last set of cards to the hookers, inking the ♥ and a short invitation to the cathedral in his own blood. He passed shortly after sending his messenger out with the cards. You may have already guess that this lead to the modern tradition of lovers drawing and painting on eachother with their own blood. Valentine was martyred for his work with the courtesans, his belongings (including some cards) put on display in the cathedral. A biography of Valentine was prepared and sent to the archives in the Vatican, which Jesus built it with his mind a few days earlier.
Many human cultures, before, during, and after the time of Saint Valentine, held fertility festivals in the month of February. A notable exception is China. Being on the lunar calendar, the Chinese held their festival in May. These festivals were often used to pair off young unmarried men and women within cities and villages. Men would perform feats of strength (such as lifting a cow above one's head) and sensitivity (such as nuzzling a kitten) and gastronomy (such as eating both the cow and kitten) to impress the womynfolk. The womyn would demonstrate their interest by giving food or some other gift to the men they desired.
In the Italian town of Gnocchi, the young women would often give gifts of the local delicacy, "Viscus Noodilus." This dumpling dish, pasta-wrapped chicken hearts, was often pressed into a ♥ shape to reflect the actual shape of a chicken's heart. Biting into one of these often causes blood to leak out of the dumpling.
This tradition lived on for centuries in the town, until the people started dying. The Black Plague wiped out much of the town's population, putting an end to the festivals. The town priest recorded a short history of the festival and the tradition, and sent this to the Vatican.
Fast forward to the year AD 1337. That plucky faggot Geoffery Chaucer took a sabbatical from his teaching position at Oxford to visit Rome. Tired of dodging pickpockets and fascists while out on the town, Chaucer sought refuge within the Vatican. It was here he discovered the Vatican's vast archives, and the stories of both Saint Valentine and Gnocchi.
Enthralled by these traditions, Chaucer began work on his antidisestablishmentarian epic, "Infarctus crise Cardiaque." Through this work, Chaucer sought to reinvigorate old traditions by presenting them in a new, hip way to the idiot masses. Among his other recommendations, he synthesized a new February 1st holiday, Gnocchi Gift Day, on which individuals should send gifts to their lovers or prostitutes or both.
The first run of his book sold very poorly, and the subsequent runs and book tour were cancelled. Disheartened, Chaucer returned to his native Glasgow and gave up writing for a life of wanton debauchery. He died during one particularly hard night of clubbing, having done too many belly shots of absinthe off of half-naked teenage girls.
The remaining copies of Chaucer's book were put into storage by his family, though his son Bob did keep one copy to read himself. Bob eagerly read the chapter on Valentine and Gnocchi, seeing endless possibilities for romancing woman. Enthralled by the possibility of getting laid, Bob gave the first Valentine in history. Needless to say, Bob's mother spurned his amorous advances. Not to be discouraged, Bob tried his sisters, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, and finally found success with the crazy cat lady down by the tracks. Though he left the woman's hovel covered in scratches and blood, he was finally a man the evening of that February 1st.
This also began the unspoken social contract between men who give Valentine's gifts and the woman who receive them: sex. Bob told his compadres of his success. Some of Bob's friends tried it the following year, many with the same results as Bob. The tradition slowly spread over the whole of England. Seeing the failure of Gnocchi Gift Day, Bob instead suggested Valentine's Day as the name of the holiday. Clearly, the name stuck.
In the year 1563, a plan was approved by the Council of Trent to realign the Gregorian calendar to move Pope Marcus VII's birthday after the vernal equinox. Marcus claims God wanted him to have a spring birthday. So, the council agreed to shift the whole of the calendar by thirteen days and include a dodecinnial leap year to keep the shift in place. This moved Valentine's Day to February 14th, when we all celebrate it today.
How, then, did this English holiday make it stateside?
A young woman named Esther Howland immigrated to the United States, dismayed at not having received a single Valentine during her 20 years in England. She established a small card company in Massachusetts, with cards tailored to both men and women. American consumers were thrilled at the possibility of marginalizing relationships to hollow slogans and meaningless gifts in exchange for greater copulation.
Esther found wild success with her card business, and was soon making more money than God. While still single, she was so rich she didn't care.
And that, my friends, is how Valentine's Day came to be.