[Schlouse] Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us today. You look great; how's your stroke feeling?
[LilDebbie] I'm feeling great. It's almost a spiritual feeling when everything is in full alignment.
Let's briefly talk shop. Does 1 ply of fabric have sufficient stopping power for PMT-level events? There seems to be some confusion on the subject.
Absolutely not. You might be able to get away with 1 ply for high school and neighborhood exhibition matches, but at the PMT level it's a safety issue. Personally, I use a special issue 4-ply Bounty paper towel that was created specifically for PMT-grade pressure releases.
Since its reformation in early 2004, the PMT has seen an astonishing rate of growth. What do you attribute this to?
It's incredible. I'm very blessed. Not all that long ago we were in desks in middle school auditoriums with crowds numbering in the dozens when we were lucky. Now we're worldwide; there's very few countries where we don't have a presence.
What's your favorite memory from the early days?
Oh, it's tough to say [laughter]. If I had to pick only one, I'd have to pick the infamous Brazilian favela event. It was completely out of control. Drunken, coked-up drug lords with AK-47's, extreme heat, dysentery, gambling, it had it all. It was a 3 way event featuring Lady 3Jane, modus, and myself. Just remembering it makes me grateful that I survived [laughter].
By all accounts you won that contest easily. In such difficult circumstances, how did you retain your composure?
If you've prepared yourself thoroughly, then you can adapt to the most difficult of circumstances. When aspiring youngsters ask, I always tell them the same thing: Worship the pussy, but never, ever fuck the pussy. Put the pussy on a pedestal. Let me tell you, Brazilian women are very attractive, but I put them on a pedestal and worshiped them just anything else. I knew that my penis would never, ever contact their vaginas, so I retained complete fantasy control and pulled out what was quite a lopsided win, even by post-2004 standards.
We all know your superior fantasy control gives you an edge. What are some other tricks in your arsenal?
A lot of guys out there are going quantity, quantity, quantity. I understand it, but it's completely wrong-headed. These days, you need quality. I maintain a small "victory" garden so that my semen takes on a more herbaceous tone. Anyone can go to Whole Foods and grab an organic pineapple, but it really takes your own garden to reliably bring out the arugula, lemon thyme, and tarragon scents that can push you to victory at the top levels of the PMT.
Before I let you go, would you mind sharing your thoughts on the PMT's future, particularly in emerging markets?
I'm very optimistic about the future. In particular, we're seeing some really intense competition from Dubai, Japan, and Estonia. In this era of recession economics, you can save quite a bit of money by taking your family out to a PMT match rather than a traditional sporting event. These guys really compete, and in most locales, they mingle with the crowd afterwards for autographs and photo opportunities. We're really a down-to-earth bunch!