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Inside the Professional Masturbation Tour: An Interview with LilDebbie

By schlouse in Culture
Sat May 15, 2010 at 04:47:00 PM EST
Tags: horsecock, Professional Masturbation Tour, satire (all tags)



I recently had the opportunity to catch up with LilDebbie of the Professional Masturbation Tour. The PMT was formed in 2001 in the wake of the New York City terrorist attacks and has been growing steadily since its inception. The PMT was recently named by Forbes Magazine as the 3rd most exciting growth opportunity for the 2010 decade.


[Schlouse] Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us today. You look great; how's your stroke feeling?

[LilDebbie] I'm feeling great. It's almost a spiritual feeling when everything is in full alignment.

Let's briefly talk shop. Does 1 ply of fabric have sufficient stopping power for PMT-level events? There seems to be some confusion on the subject.

Absolutely not. You might be able to get away with 1 ply for high school and neighborhood exhibition matches, but at the PMT level it's a safety issue. Personally, I use a special issue 4-ply Bounty paper towel that was created specifically for PMT-grade pressure releases.

Since its reformation in early 2004, the PMT has seen an astonishing rate of growth. What do you attribute this to?

It's incredible. I'm very blessed. Not all that long ago we were in desks in middle school auditoriums with crowds numbering in the dozens when we were lucky. Now we're worldwide; there's very few countries where we don't have a presence.

What's your favorite memory from the early days?

Oh, it's tough to say [laughter]. If I had to pick only one, I'd have to pick the infamous Brazilian favela event. It was completely out of control. Drunken, coked-up drug lords with AK-47's, extreme heat, dysentery, gambling, it had it all. It was a 3 way event featuring Lady 3Jane, modus, and myself. Just remembering it makes me grateful that I survived [laughter].

By all accounts you won that contest easily. In such difficult circumstances, how did you retain your composure?

If you've prepared yourself thoroughly, then you can adapt to the most difficult of circumstances. When aspiring youngsters ask, I always tell them the same thing: Worship the pussy, but never, ever fuck the pussy. Put the pussy on a pedestal. Let me tell you, Brazilian women are very attractive, but I put them on a pedestal and worshiped them just anything else. I knew that my penis would never, ever contact their vaginas, so I retained complete fantasy control and pulled out what was quite a lopsided win, even by post-2004 standards.

We all know your superior fantasy control gives you an edge. What are some other tricks in your arsenal?

A lot of guys out there are going quantity, quantity, quantity. I understand it, but it's completely wrong-headed. These days, you need quality. I maintain a small "victory" garden so that my semen takes on a more herbaceous tone. Anyone can go to Whole Foods and grab an organic pineapple, but it really takes your own garden to reliably bring out the arugula, lemon thyme, and tarragon scents that can push you to victory at the top levels of the PMT.

Before I let you go, would you mind sharing your thoughts on the PMT's future, particularly in emerging markets?

I'm very optimistic about the future. In particular, we're seeing some really intense competition from Dubai, Japan, and Estonia. In this era of recession economics, you can save quite a bit of money by taking your family out to a PMT match rather than a traditional sporting event. These guys really compete, and in most locales, they mingle with the crowd afterwards for autographs and photo opportunities. We're really a down-to-earth bunch!

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Poll
PMT Most Valuable Player
o mirko 21%
o Lady 3Jane 21%
o Michael Crawford 21%
o Korean Loller Blader 21%
o GhostOfTiber 31%
o modus 15%
o rusty 47%
o LilDebbie 36%

Votes: 19
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Forbes Magazine
o Also by schlouse


Display: Sort:
Inside the Professional Masturbation Tour: An Interview with LilDebbie | 17 comments (16 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
WIPO: schlouse$ (3.00 / 3) (#1)
by mirko on Fri May 14, 2010 at 04:47:43 AM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
WIPO: kitten clicking clan $ (none / 0) (#9)
by sye on Fri May 14, 2010 at 11:37:15 AM EST


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
commentary - For a better sye@K5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
enter K5 via Blastar.in
[ Parent ]

lol@Republican penises (3.00 / 3) (#2)
by nostalgiphile on Fri May 14, 2010 at 04:57:20 AM EST

+1fp.

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
note to the titular faggot: (3.00 / 2) (#3)
by Jobst of Moravia on Fri May 14, 2010 at 04:59:37 AM EST

ur gay (srs)

ruin pussy er'day

---
              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

lol (none / 0) (#12)
by Harry B Otch on Fri May 14, 2010 at 10:57:12 PM EST

you said 'tit'.

-----
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
[ Parent ]

hay schlouse (3.00 / 3) (#4)
by Jobst of Moravia on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:13:22 AM EST

could i lick ur balls abit (just a little)

no homoe

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              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

Tutrle fag (3.00 / 2) (#5)
by schlouse on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:14:31 AM EST

Let me take you to the movie

[ Parent ]
my boi bangssss (3.00 / 3) (#6)
by Jobst of Moravia on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:16:43 AM EST

i know what else u like

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              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

[ Parent ]

I AM IMMORTAL $ (none / 1) (#7)
by schlouse on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:19:34 AM EST



[ Parent ]
grim and frostbittne? (none / 1) (#8)
by Jobst of Moravia on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:20:10 AM EST


---
              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

[ Parent ]

the worst part (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by LilDebbie on Fri May 14, 2010 at 05:16:50 PM EST

i was just sitting down after planting the jalapeño and arugula to look up pr0n for a quality beat off in the shower.

i would add that while quantity does little for improving your orgasm, it does wonders for your grip and is a good route for beginners. beowulf ain't got shit on me.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

The jalapenos don't hurt, either (none / 1) (#13)
by Harry B Otch on Fri May 14, 2010 at 11:16:29 PM EST

...in terms of picking them, that is, thereby exercising your muscles to improve your grip.  I mean, they do hurt, in the sense that it's probably not wise to get too much capsaicin all over your urethral shaft.

But then again, it doesn't hurt to pick a peck of peppers to perk up your pectorals...but it does hurt when those Scoville units start to burn your own unit.  And who needs capsicum in one's own cum, amirite?

Gardening and masturbation-- sometimes it hurts so good.

-----
If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
[ Parent ]

I masturbated furiously for five hours straight (2.25 / 4) (#14)
by Jonathan Swift on Sat May 15, 2010 at 05:01:53 AM EST

I had to take a break for meals from time to time, but it wasn't until twenty nine hours that I had an orgasm that would put a Hydrogen Bomb detonation completely to shame.

See if you can figure out how I did it.

Not only do I possess every man's Holy Grail, my results are easily repeatible.


--
Profoundly impoverished is the Heart of the Man who possesseth not the Courage to mock Himself for His own Folly.


this could end in Rustov's .sig$ (none / 1) (#16)
by mirko on Sun May 16, 2010 at 04:15:19 AM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
You Just Won The Pulitzer Prize. (2.00 / 4) (#15)
by Jonathan Swift on Sat May 15, 2010 at 05:59:52 AM EST

Even if you regarded me as delusional for thinking I'm a gifted writer, surely you appreciate that I do regard myself that way.

Your writing ability leaves me completely dumbstruck.

I just ordered some four-ply bounty from Playboy's website. I'll use cotton socks to work out until my order turns up.


--
Profoundly impoverished is the Heart of the Man who possesseth not the Courage to mock Himself for His own Folly.


you need a shitbag (none / 0) (#17)
by yellow shark on Wed May 19, 2010 at 10:08:18 PM EST

it might help

Inside the Professional Masturbation Tour: An Interview with LilDebbie | 17 comments (16 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
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