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Sex Toy Review: Putting the "Blow" In "Autoblow"

By Zombie Tyler Durden in Culture
Wed Jul 27, 2011 at 01:02:22 PM EST
Tags: (all tags)

I recently had the occasion to test out a sex toy I had impulse purchased. The transaction was not well-researched; it was mostly a result of an elevated level of blood in my penis, and Google Chrome's ability to auto-complete my CC # and billing data, thereby making a one-hand purchase trivial.

It had arrived last Friday. Below is a review of the product.

I am far from a connoisseur of sex toys. My arsenal consists of a Fleshlight (Stamina Training Unit), a ribbed sleeve which cost about $20, and some other weak pumping thing that I've only used once (not a penis pump). Out of the 3, the ribbed sleeve is actually my favorite and gets the most use.

I was thus looking forward to trying the Autoblow, a battery-operated robotic "blow job." It arrived on Friday. The contents were minimalist; it had the "mouth" opening already attached, the "anus" opening stashed separated and wrapped, and a small placard with directions and advertisements touting it's greatness.

First thing I noticed is that it required 4 C batteries. "Who the fuck uses C batteries these days?" I thought to myself. I looked around the house and, of course, I had nothing with C batteries. So I sighed, waited for my boner to subside, and went to the grocery store to buy C batteries.

The packaging also did not contain lubricant. In my meager sex-toy experience, this seemed unusually stingy. They usually come with a small package of two of lubricant - which can't cost more than $0.25. Fortunately, I already had lube, and the placard mentioned that you could use lotion as a substitute.

With great eagerness, I put in the batteries and turned the thing on. It sounded like a wood chopper or a gear box in bad shape. I was a little hesitant to put my yearning cock into it. I stuck my finger in to it to make sure that it wasn't going to cut anything off. It appeared safe.

I lubed my penis and inserted as directed.

Now it's time to take a quick aside and talk shop for a second. On the Internet, I have a 14" throbbing cock, but in real life it's closer to 6.25"-6.5" hard, depending on how really aroused I am. This length was the perfect size for the Blast model, which I purchased. However, my girth is a little wide; I get a chubby little chubby. I'm wider than the 6" maximum in the specs(about 6.5" at it's thickest) but I didn't think that would be a problem. Either way, I couldn't upgrade to the next size up since my 6.25" dick wasn't long enough for the Max model.

So I inserted my lubricated, erect penis into the opening and turned the power on the "low" setting. The inside mechanism struggled against my cock, failing to move. I turned up the power more and more and only at or near the max setting did it finally whack my pecker.

The "sucking" mechanism did exist, but it was extremely weak. It didn't add much to the experience. If you try to remove your cock while it is still on, the mouth/anus insert pops out with it. If it weren't for that, I'd only vaguely be aware of the sucking mechanism.

The coils that whipped your penis didn't feel exactly pleasant. Which isn't to say it was painful, it just didn't feel great. I left it on for about 2 minutes or so, thinking how lame it was. I experimented, trying to move it around, in and out and around, and I couldn't get anything that felt super arousing.

After a while, my penis did firm up and start the involuntary "throbbing" sensation that a typical guy gets during a blowjob. I was probably only a few minutes from cumming when I decided to pull out to see how hard my cock was (it was hard to tell while in the machine). So I pull my cock out for a second, and see fucking dark purple marks all over my fucking cock. I'm not sure if that's normal or not, or if it was because my girth was too big, but that was it for me.

I put the machine aside and finished myself off by hand.

In conclusion, the feeling it provided was a poor 2 out of 5 horsecocks. However, with the marking on my penis, I will obviously never use this again and hence I give it a pathetic 1 out of 5 horsecocks. And, by the way, if anyone wants to try a gently-used Autoblow - and I didn't bother to clean it out since I won't use it again - send me an email.

Q&A is welcome.


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Related Links
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o Also by Zombie Tyler Durden

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Sex Toy Review: Putting the "Blow" In "Autoblow" | 15 comments (11 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
i think cock bruises warrant (3.00 / 6) (#1)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 24, 2011 at 11:12:14 PM EST

a complaint registered with the BBB.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

Indeed, in the interests of consumer awareness (3.00 / 6) (#2)
by Marvin Suggs on Mon Jul 25, 2011 at 12:58:30 AM EST

I suggest taking photos of the damage, attaching them to this highly informative article (in the interest of consumer safety) and sending them along with a request for refund to the manufacturer.
   .0. gimme a bitcoin: 1M9vApgDo5Dw45Awfem75mrVtMJvaMKpjy
[ Parent ]
It's not really "bruising" (3.00 / 2) (#4)
by Zombie Tyler Durden on Mon Jul 25, 2011 at 07:57:34 AM EST

As the marks disappeared within an hour or so.

DroPPiN Da DeuCe HarDz Kkk0re
[ Parent ]

The Blue Balls Bureau /nt (none / 1) (#11)
by ksandstr on Tue Jul 26, 2011 at 07:40:29 AM EST

[ Parent ]
holy shit you actually wrote the article (3.00 / 3) (#7)
by balsamic vinigga on Mon Jul 25, 2011 at 11:26:52 PM EST

does this mean MDC CYOA will eventually see the light of day as well?

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
Indeed it doea (1.80 / 5) (#10)
by Zombie Tyler Durden on Tue Jul 26, 2011 at 06:43:28 AM EST

I have an even better (for the lols) CYOA coming up on deck though.

DroPPiN Da DeuCe HarDz Kkk0re
[ Parent ]

I'm still getting one (none / 1) (#9)
by r rnq on Tue Jul 26, 2011 at 04:12:18 AM EST

fuck you and your negativity, this bitch will be OWNED by my cock sometime in the 3-5 shipping days.

+1FP, remember the 'unboxing video' next time (none / 1) (#12)
by Ezra Loomis Pound on Wed Jul 27, 2011 at 09:22:24 AM EST

otherwise this is exactly what I come to Kuro5hin.org for: realistic geek vaginas and saracastic, mutilated pricks.

:::"Let me tell ya, if she wasn't cut out to handle some fake boy online, well sister, life only gets more difficult, and you only get more emo as you age." --balsamic vinigga :::#_#:::
Nice, quality content (none / 1) (#13)
by livus on Thu Jul 28, 2011 at 03:23:24 AM EST

Glad I still have my k5 account.

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

Agreed n/t (none / 1) (#14)
by k31 on Sat Jul 30, 2011 at 04:41:22 PM EST

Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....
[ Parent ]
I LOLed ... a lot. (none / 1) (#15)
by me0w on Sun Jul 31, 2011 at 07:49:34 PM EST

"The only reason we PMS is because our uterus is screaming at our brain to go out, get fucked, and have a baby ... and it makes us angry."
Sex Toy Review: Putting the "Blow" In "Autoblow" | 15 comments (11 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
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