Kuro5hin.org: technology and culture, from the trenches
create account | help/FAQ | contact | links | search | IRC | site news
[ Everything | Diaries | Technology | Science | Culture | Politics | Media | News | Internet | Op-Ed | Fiction | Meta | MLP ]
We need your support: buy an ad | premium membership

A Tale of Two Kurons

By tdillo in Culture
Wed Sep 05, 2012 at 09:45:50 AM EST
Tags: (all tags)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of united foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of what-the-holy-fuck, it was the season of WarpLife, it was the season of an error occurred processing this directive, it was the spring of rape, it was the summer of suicide, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going to win an iPad, we were all going lose our collective shit-- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its vociferous assholes insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Two kurons were upon the way looking to engage in some entertainment for the evening. The first requirement of which was to procure some spirits in order to put them in a more jovial mood.

Unfortunately, our An Heroes were somewhat out-of-pocket and out of funds. The first kuron was dressed in a most dapper manner, with a handsome face and a fine physique. He said, "I am terribly afraid that I am just maxed out on my credit cards. Not to mention that I really lost my shit on that Bitcoin fiasco and the Facebook stock nosedive. I hate to say it but I am broke like a mother fucker."

The second kuron was not as nattily dressed as the first and in fact appeared as if he had recently fallen on quite hard times. He was portly and smelled of cheese. His hair was in disarray and he had the odd habit of picking his nose at inopportune times. He said, "Yes, I too have no money. I already spent my disability on the strippers and rock. At least I had enough left over for a value meal."

"So hey, do you still have some of the rock?"

"Naw, I got rid of it, fucker scammed me, it turned out to be chunks of drywall or something. FUCK. I was mad! The goat-fucking prick. I'm going to write a diary about that mother fucker."

"Shit, so what are we going to fucking do without money? I need to get fucking drunk in the worst way."

"I hear you man. Hey is that a butcher shop over there?'

"Yeah I guess, so what?"

"I think I got a plan. Look you go in and distract the butcher and I'll come in after a bit and steal a sausage, one of those big pink looking ones, I'm sure he has them."

"What the fuck good is that going to do? Unless you know some way we can get fucked up on sausage."

"Actually, I think I do at that. Just go on and act like you're buying something and keep him occupied and I'll steal the sausage. We'll meet up over in the alleyway in a minute."

And thus the two kurons embarked upon their plan to deprive the butcher of a sausage.

Later in the alleyway.

"Okay, so you got your fucking sausage. Mind telling me what this is all about?"

"Sure, listen. The plan is, I'm going to stick this floppy piece of meat down in my jockeys right? Then we are going to go find us a bar and we're going to get drunk off our ass."

"What the fucking fuck? Man we STILL don't have any money. How are we supposed to get drunk with a sausage in your drawers? You ready to be 5150'd or something? FUCK I can't believe I listen to you you are so full of SHIT!"

"No listen, listen! It will work, see we open a tab, we get drunk. When we're ready to take off you get down on your knees, I'll whip out this here sausage. You start sucking on it like there's no tomorrow. They'll be so fucking disgusted that they'll kick us out on the street and we don't have to pay."

"More likely they'll kick in our ribs and stomp on our face, take what is left of our shit, jam that sausage up your ass and have us thrown in jail."

"Look, do you want to get drunk or what?"

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckety-fuck. All right then lets go."

And the two kurons proceeded to put their plan into action. They entered a small smoky bar, sat down at a table and ordered their drinks. After several rounds had gone by the portly kuron said, "Hey. I think they're starting to get suspicious. I think it's time."

"Time for what man? I'm just starting to get a buzz."

"It's time for you know, the sausage thing."

"Oh right, look you don't seriously expect me to get down and suck on that thing do you?"

"Dude, YOU HAVE TO, that's the only WAY man."

"Aw fuck, man I can't believe I am doing this. You fucking better not have a fucking camera. If I see this shit on Facebook you're going to feel like a goddamn sausage."

"Dude, whatever, the bitch is headed this way."

So dapper dude slides out of his seat onto his knees before the portly man. A scent of cheese causes his stomach to do a turn and when he gets it under control he sees, dangling in front of his face from the unzippered front of his friend's stained chinos, a large, pink, sausage.

In the dim light of the bar it actually does resemble an enormous penis. It is one of those hand packed sausages, so the tip is slightly open. The skin is slick and glistens in the warm light.

"No way, man, I am NOT doing this."

"Come on man, she's nearly to the table!"

"Uh Uh, there's got to be something else this is just not happening man."

"There is nothing else, you have to do it. Look just put your lips on it. You don't have to put it all in your mouth, just you know, kiss it a little bit. It won't hurt you. you've tasted sausage before."

The kuron delicately placed his lips upon the sausage. He thought it would be cold but the time spent in the portly kuron's jockey shorts had warmed the meat somewhat. It tasted slighty salty and had a dark musky scent. Once he had started it wasn't quite as bad an experience as he had at first thought. He pretended to get into it.

"OWWWW GRRROSSS!" exclaimed the waitress. "Look guys you could at least get a room that is fucking DISGUSTING."

"What's the matter Holly?" asked the bouncer walking over, then he spied the two kurons. "Oh Holy Fuck Mother of God!" He grabbed the two by the neck and hoisted them up, dragging them to the door. The dapper kuron was caught in the middle of doing something twisty with his tongue. Then there was a blurred WHOOSH and the two found themselves out on the sidewalk with naught but a few minor bruises.

"You okay?" asked the portly kuron.

"Yeah, I guess, what just happened? I kinda blanked out for just a second there."

"What happened? What happened? The plan fucking WORKED that's what happened! Come on man, on your feet! We have to find another bar!"

And thus the night passed. The two kurons making their way from bar to bar pulling their scam, their own little private troll on the bars to get free drinks. The dapper kuron was having a great time. He was drunker than he had ever been in some time. Perhaps he had been mistaken but it seemed that at a few of the bars there were young men actually BUYING him drinks. He wasn't sure. It was all a blur.

Then at one point, the dapper kuron said to the portly kuron, "Say man, thish had been a blast, knowwhatimean? A blasht. Man, you are like my very very bestest friend and I love you man, I jusht had to tell you that, man, you are a very good friend and smart. Hey. You now what? Man, my jaw is fucking sore as shit man. I don't know if I can do thish anymore. Liek, tell you what man, let ME hold on that sausage for awhile. Ish that cool?"

The portly kuron, swaying slightly in the night air looked at his buddy and said, "Sherioushly? Dude, I threw that sausage away after the second joint we was in!"


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Related Links
o Also by tdillo

Display: Sort:
A Tale of Two Kurons | 18 comments (16 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
+1FP: finally, some lolworthy metawankery $ (none / 1) (#9)
by N0574 on Mon Sep 03, 2012 at 11:27:27 PM EST

+1FP (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by Del Griffith on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 12:13:44 AM EST


I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. - Me

Wonderful, (none / 1) (#11)
by k31 on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 03:08:31 AM EST

A documentary of the last 3 years of my spiritual life and a clone whaor-rior!

Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....
Recall That I Announced I Would Hit On Last Night' (1.20 / 5) (#12)
by Irish Baby Bacon on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 09:29:47 AM EST

-s Jailbait:

I gave a few of them my music handbills.  That led a rather scantily-clad Cute Young Thing to inquire whether I could also sing.

"Be Right Back," I cheerfully announced, then returned a moment later with a well-loved graph paper Laboratory Notebook.

"I never forget a tune but I have no hope of memorizing lyrics."

They were all quite pleased, so I cautioned them:

"This is not going to be what you are expecting."

"I'll have to sing quietly, otherwise I would blast the windows completely out of the walls of the restaurant."

I Am Not Fucking Kidding: Portable Battery Powered Vocal Busker's Amps are for AMATEURS.

Less then a minute later, the ENTIRE FUCKING MCDONALDS had joined in on my booming rendition of Francis Scott Key's "The Star Spangled Banner".

After the music wound down, I sadly cautioned them:

"You could make this Human Rights Abuse come to a permanent end were you to give me one of those packs of Nuggets."

They were good, too.

This evening I met a retired United States Federal Aviation Administration Electrical Engineer.  He served as an Air Force Enlisted Man during Vietnam, working as a Radar Fire Control Officer.  My own father would have been standing right next to someone just like him, only it would have been a Seaman rather than an Airman.

At the end of it, he clued in to the fact that I'd been haranguing him about Risks to the Public in Computers and Related Systems for Damn near eight solid hours without eating or drinking anything the entire time.

He offered to buy me supper.

"What would you like to buy me?"

"Absolutely anything you want!"

By then it was about eleven at night.  Long after bedtime for all the good little boys and girls.

The two of use stood before the counter.  The restaurant manager came to take my order.

"I'd like a Cheeseburger Happy Meal, please."

The manager smiled cheerfully.  I'm not the only one who orders happy meals for his own self on a regular basis.

"Swipe your card, please, Sir."

That retired FAA Engineer and Radar Fire Control Officer swiped his card.

The manager then assembled my happy meal, the very last thing popping a toy in the box.

Let's see... what did I get?

Hot Damn!  This is gonna be good:

It's the Green Ranger from the Power Rangers Super Samurai collection.

I left my pack of fresh apple slices unopened.  I'm going to take them with me back to the brand-new tent some random stranger gave me yesterday.

I'm going to walk there in the brand-new leather walking shoes some other random stranger gave me a couple weeks ago, just the night before I finally gave in to call 9-1-1 to request transport to an Emergency Room because I didn't just have blisters, I had peeled the skin right off the soles of both my feet.  

I wasn't concerned about the pain of that, despite it feeling just like some maniac had fired bullets upward into the bottoms of both feet.

It's just that I do set a limit on Gangrene.

I am wearing a brand-new, quite stylish button-up short sleeve shirt.  My medium grey jeans, while quite used, look as if they were brand new.  I think they denote that as "Distressed Denim" in the business.

My wool jacket, while not at all brand new, sure is nice and warm.

This morning, the manager at the Burget King just dropped a Chicken Sandwich in front of me, then flatly refused to take it back.

Each night after the park where I am illegally camping closes, they post a sign pointing out that there is a $300.00 penalty for so much as setting foot on that beach after eleven PM at night.

Strange, don't you think, that I've never made any effort to hide the fact that I'm not just camping there, I am actually residing there.

The one person that I Damn near led to call the police, though, was the FUCKING LIBRARIAN.

She actually started shouting at me!  I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING!

Eventually I clued in to the fact that the reason she volunteered for that particular branch is that it gets very few patrons.  I figured she must be quite lonely so I chatted her up for several hours, thereby totally destroying her Serenity.

After that, I was as silent as a mouse for the remainder of the stay.  I did bid her farewell; by that time she had recovered to  the point that she was happy for a VERY BRIEF CHAT, and to say she looked forward to seeing me again.

I'm not dead certain as of yet, but I think the chances are quite good that A Fair Lady that resides in this community is looking forward to doing it like a crazed weasel with me.

Not likely tomorrow, but REAL SOON NOW.

"Would you like to watch the sunset from the beach with me this evening?"

Followed by:

"I have a tent hidden back there where no one has a clue because it's so covered with overhanging trees, far enough away from anyone that no one will hear you scream as I make both your nipples stand up."


Have Trojan Magnums - I'm Hung, You See - But NOT Trojan Magnum XLs - Not Like A Horse, You See.
"I don't work well with other people because people who work well with other people are Nazis."
-- Michael David Crawford

You're crazy as a shithouse rat (3.00 / 4) (#13)
by tdillo on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 10:22:36 AM EST

You're actually doing the Internet equivalent of wandering around talking to yourself now.

And no, I don't think I see where you are going nor do I think I want to. However the good folk at 4chan might be interested if you could come up with some hires.

I never knew someone actually invented the internet. I thought it was discovered and was always there like oxygen or something.
-Facebook User

[ Parent ]
you're abusing 911 (none / 1) (#14)
by nateo on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 01:51:51 PM EST

stop calling it for sore feet

"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
[ Parent ]
The emergency room nurse applied antibiotic and ba (1.00 / 3) (#18)
by Irish Baby Bacon on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 09:55:59 PM EST


I totally wore the skin off the soles of both feet, thereby exposing the muscle underneath.

As I previously said, I was down with walking despite the pain.  My concern was that if I did not receive prompt medical attention, both of my feet would be amputated due to gangrene.

The emergency room Physician agreed that I did the right thing to call 9-1-1.
"I don't work well with other people because people who work well with other people are Nazis."
-- Michael David Crawford
[ Parent ]

he also agreed you were an idiot (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by nateo on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 11:28:22 PM EST

for letting things get to that point.

i know you don't care, but neosporin is $5, bandages are $5, and you cost the taxpayer thousands with your latest medical adventure.

"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
[ Parent ]

Oh God (2.00 / 3) (#15)
by HollyHopDrive on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 03:01:58 PM EST

I do actually want to cry.

I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET ON A SCALE (3.00 / 6) (#16)
by greengrass on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 07:18:15 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Why do you read his crap? (1.50 / 2) (#19)
by Nimey on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 10:13:13 PM EST

No, really.
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

[ Parent ]
I didn't. (none / 1) (#21)
by HollyHopDrive on Wed Sep 05, 2012 at 01:48:08 AM EST

I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

so this is your first exposure to people (none / 1) (#22)
by LilDebbie on Sun Sep 09, 2012 at 03:56:34 PM EST

living rough? let me poke a few holes of sunshine through those dreary clouds:

  1. random people are helping the crawcock out with shoes, foods, and friendly conversation. i'm pretty sure mike has nothing of value to give in return, and i think we can all agree that he's a pretty creepy motherfucker in person, yet they still provide christian charity because GOOD PEOPLE STILL EXIST (i too must keep reminding myself of that fact).
  2. he's dressed warmly, has shelter, and has chicken little'd his way out of prison, although that might have more to do with cali's overflowing prisons than any cleverness on mike's part.
  3. most importantly, mc rawford is maintaining a positive outlook. he brings joy to the other nutjobs hanging out at mickey d's through song, he chats up bored librarians with his entertaining nonsense, and has the good sense to know when to ask for help, e.g. when his feet are about to rot off.
despite how shitty his situation is, he is leagues ahead of most homeless nutjobs. if you want something to cry about, hop a ferry to ireland and see how the young people there are handling it. or spain. or greece. all they know how to do is beg scraps from the government table; governments who themselves are begging scraps from germany's table. those kids have no future save death from starvation or war.

sleep tight.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]

I voted up (3.00 / 3) (#17)
by Marvin Suggs on Tue Sep 04, 2012 at 08:55:15 PM EST

mostly because I'm sick of whatever that is on the front page. I may read it later.
   .0. gimme a bitcoin: 1M9vApgDo5Dw45Awfem75mrVtMJvaMKpjy
A Tale of Two Kurons | 18 comments (16 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:


All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. The Rest 2000 - Present Kuro5hin.org Inc.
See our legalese page for copyright policies. Please also read our Privacy Policy.
Kuro5hin.org is powered by Free Software, including Apache, Perl, and Linux, The Scoop Engine that runs this site is freely available, under the terms of the GPL.
Need some help? Email help@kuro5hin.org.
My heart's the long stairs.

Powered by Scoop create account | help/FAQ | mission | links | search | IRC | YOU choose the stories!