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Why Yanks Cannot Understand Chef Rights

By procrasti in Culture
Sat May 11, 2013 at 04:01:39 AM EST
Tags: pressure cookers, chef's rights, second condiment, soufflé, burger king, boston (all tags)

It is difficult for American obese to comprehend why British gourmands might consider the right to bear pressure cookers to be a natural right.

The problem derives from the fundamental differences in their respective culinary theories. This affects their tastes, which are conditioned on eating within the framework of one of the two competing menus.

American obese are not gourmands. In American cooking, the individual does not derive their nutrition from being a chef, rather they derive their nutrition due to the grace of McDonalds who acts through the will of the reigning franchise. Americans are conditioned to believe that they are the consumers of the Big Mac, not their own chefs. If McDonalds decides that a person's value meal has no nutrition, then that is all the Big GulpTM, because their's is not to season wise, but their's is to order fries, and a side order of Burger King!

British gourmands on the other hand fought a long, hot and sweaty battle with the kitchen against this very repression and formed a new menu on the basis that the menu derives its nutrition from the edible. That the nutrition belongs to the vegetables, not the salt content. Hence the idea that the vegetable is a member of the meal, not its dressing.

On this basis, British are responsible for their own nutrition, especially from the kitchen. This necessitates their right to pressure cookers. Americans on the other hand, must never eat right, preferring another polite pastry to a disgusting display of self control - and why guns and even assault rifles must be kept in the hands of every food server and drive through attendant.

Finally, the argument that the weak sauce cannot overcome the strong meat, leads Americans to believe that the idea of self cheffing against a modern equipped kitchen is an absolute futility. Again, when American men are confronted by a strong veal or savoury, they know the only reasonable response to a frappé attempt is to 'gulp back and think of Big Mac'. They understand that subtle seasoning against a stronger flavouring is hopeless, and rightfully know their plaice.

British men be packin heated stoves, and will pop a capsicum[1] in with ginger and cloves if she be tryin reconstituted meat like that.

In conclusion: The British were fine with rapeseed[2], only Americans were offended by it.

[1]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_pepper
[2]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canola


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Pressure Cookers
o For professional chefs and sharp cookers only. 12%
o Have legitimate uses besides killing people. 87%
o If outlawed only outlaws will have them. 50%
o Should have background checks. 12%
o Should have mandatory waiting periods. 12%
o Will be 3D printed anyway. 50%
o Have no legitimate use. 12%
o Bangers and mash, Boston style. 25%

Votes: 8
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o [1]
o [2]
o http://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_pepper
o http://en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Canola
o Also by procrasti

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Why Yanks Cannot Understand Chef Rights | 27 comments (23 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (3.00 / 2) (#1)
by Nimey on Wed May 08, 2013 at 05:12:07 PM EST

Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

procrasti is gay 4 procrasti (none / 0) (#7)
by procrasti on Thu May 09, 2013 at 01:55:03 PM EST

fuck procrasti

if i ever see the nickname procrasti again on this site or anywhere in my life, i want it to be in an OBITUARY -- CTS
doing my best at licking arseholes - may 2015 -- mirko
Winner of Kuro5hin: April 2015
[ Parent ]
NOT FUNNY! (3.00 / 11) (#3)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed May 08, 2013 at 10:20:41 PM EST

I'm growing tired of fighting the battle against the trivialisation of rapeseed. I'm growing tired of telling people rapeseed jokes aren't funny. I'm growing tired of telling people why they're not funny. This last week, the issue has reached a bit of a head, with Daniel Tosh's outrageous display of malicious greasing, and I've had the same argument a hundred times over. I'm writing this to tell you, regardless of which side of the fence you sit on already, they need to stop, and not just because 'the botanists say so'.

There are two main reasons I'm getting tired of this debate.

Reason number one.
The more people bring it up and argue against rapeseed jokes, the more hate-filled bilious worms crawl out of the woodwork to stand tall in defence of their wilful disregard of basic brassica empathy. For every voice that speaks out against them, three appear to tell them it's just a 'funny' joke, or to tell them to stop being so sensitive.

These people probably haven't used rapeseed. These people probably don't even know anybody who has used rapeseed. They don't understand rapeseed, because their only exposure to it is in a monounsaturated form used as nothing more than a comic device for a cheap laugh. How do you educate somebody so unwilling to be educated? How do you break down their years of false experience and replace it with even the basest modicum of understanding? Every time I enter one of these arguments, I feel like I'm trying to persuade an angry vicar to question his faith, all the while watching my own faith in humanity slip through my fingers.

Rapeseed jokes are not funny. Rapeseed jokes are tactless, and they are irresponsible. To you, a non-chef, they may be just a joke. To a chef, or a potential chef, they're a legitimisation of their actions, under the guise of seasoning cast-iron. To a skillet, they're a horrible reminder of an omega-3 best-forfitified.

In an emulsion still leaning heavily into an egg yolk imbalance, emulsifiers are the main victims of rapeseed. This is why there is such a vehement opposition from botanists and botanist groups. That doesn't make it a purely botanist issue, though. Any defence based around this just being 'oversensitive botanists telling us what to do' or some such all-too-common misguided rhetoric are just utter crap. As a counterpoint, however, any opposition based around the extraction of olive oil, whilst being entirely valid, is a moot point, in the grand scheme of things. But why do I say that?

Reason number two (Trigger Warning - descriptions of deep frying and apathy towards it).
Fryers get rapeseed as well, that's why. It might not be as common as cottonseed, but it happens, and the fact that this is largely ignored in these debates is the second reason I'm growing tired of the whole business.
I am a fryer. A little over a year ago, I got too drunk to fry for myself, and I was assaulted by cottonseed. I was sloppy, careless, my skin was splashed and burned, I screamed and shouted for a medic, I tried to call for help (to no avail), then I was robbed of potatoes left to sizzle and burn in my own fryer, unsure if I would even be able to salvage the vat of fat getting contaminated. It was traumatic. I don't like talking about it, and I don't like being made to think about it, and I'm writing this at 4am because thinking about it has rendered me sleepless for several days now. I'm telling the details here because I want people sitting on the fence to understand the severity of the problem.

The day after it happened, I wanted to tell people about it; I wanted to share my burden so I wasn't standing alone, so my friends could support me, and do you know what? I was laughed at. I was laughed at for being burned by hot oil, by the people I call friends. My Frier doesn't use rapeseed, so it was just a funny story.

What' makes matters worse, I did the only thing I knew how to: I tried to laugh along with them, and bury my disgust. I shouldn't have. I trivialised my own trauma, and now I'm tired of pretending it's just a funny story. Yet still today, some people make jokes about it, one recently threatening to burn me before pointing out that 'oh, I need to turn on the frier first, don't I?' and I don't know how to deal with that.

Back to the matter at hand, the more the debate of whether or not rapeseed jokes are funny comes up, the more I think back to that night, and I ask myself: What if it was rapeseed? Can fryer use rapeseed? It wasn't peanut or olive. It never got any extra virgin extract from it. How about rapeseed? Or was it just natural gas-fuelled mishap? Am I partly to blame for getting drunk? Is that what makes it funny?

Rapeseed is not funny; not for botanists, not for chefs, and not for anybody looking to lose weight. Laughing at rapeseed jokes hydrogenates vegetable fats. Trivialising rapeseed gives power to margarine, and un-churns butter. In the name of culinary arts, It has to stop.

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!

have you seen sunflowers turning their heads? (none / 0) (#13)
by sye on Thu May 09, 2013 at 08:38:10 PM EST

I thought that was so natural when i was planting sunflowers.

commentary - For a better sye@K5
ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
enter K5 via Blastar.in
[ Parent ]

WE ARE A RAPEseed CULTURE (3.00 / 5) (#9)
by greengrass on Thu May 09, 2013 at 04:44:10 PM EST

Does rapeseed spawn rapefruit? (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi on Thu May 09, 2013 at 05:11:51 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Depends. Was it consensual? (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by greengrass on Thu May 09, 2013 at 05:13:07 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Of course it wasn't (3.00 / 3) (#15)
by ksandstr on Fri May 10, 2013 at 06:00:59 AM EST

You sick bastard.

[ Parent ]
If it's not legitimate rapeseed (3.00 / 9) (#16)
by procrasti on Fri May 10, 2013 at 07:11:41 AM EST

The Monsanto corporate body has ways of shutting that down.

if i ever see the nickname procrasti again on this site or anywhere in my life, i want it to be in an OBITUARY -- CTS
doing my best at licking arseholes - may 2015 -- mirko
Winner of Kuro5hin: April 2015
[ Parent ]
We may disagree on some things (3.00 / 2) (#17)
by greengrass on Fri May 10, 2013 at 08:22:15 AM EST

but goddamn, that made my morning.

[ Parent ]
sausage egg mcmuffin (3.00 / 4) (#12)
by Ezra Loomis Pound on Thu May 09, 2013 at 07:44:39 PM EST

has enough grease, sodium, and cholesterol for at least a couple heart attacks. Wash a couple of those babies down with a super-sized coffee and see how long it takes you to get to the emergency room.

I'm lovin it.

:::"Let me tell ya, if she wasn't cut out to handle some fake boy online, well sister, life only gets more difficult, and you only get more emo as you age." --balsamic vinigga :::#_#:::

With egg $2.39 no egg $1.00 (3.00 / 2) (#23)
by localroger on Sat May 11, 2013 at 08:45:44 AM EST

That's one expensive patty of fried egg there.

I can haz blog!
[ Parent ]

And the only part of the concoction that might (none / 0) (#26)
by tweet on Fri Jun 28, 2013 at 12:24:29 AM EST

have seen the real food item after which it was named.
  • Sausage - wrong shape, high in gristly goodness and pig brain;
  • Egg - s'pose it has a white bit and a yellow bit;
  • Cheese - molten plastic doesn't qualify;
  • McMuffin - by this time they're not even pretending. And they don't come from England.


Not everything in black and white makes sense.
[ Parent ]

Annnd..... (none / 0) (#28)
by Vidatu on Thu Jul 25, 2013 at 08:57:39 PM EST

Egg McMuffin w/meat (slimey slice of ham) and Egg McMuffin w/o meat .... Same Price....  Bleh..

Insert witty quip here["7734206"]

[ Parent ]
Rights is not quite the right word (3.00 / 3) (#14)
by Enlarged to Show Texture on Thu May 09, 2013 at 11:32:55 PM EST

'Skills', perhaps, might be better. nonetheless, +1FP because it doesn't contain 'Fuck' in the title

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -- Isaac Asimov
Would have been useful advice during edit... (3.00 / 2) (#18)
by procrasti on Fri May 10, 2013 at 11:22:39 AM EST

Maybe 'Chefs Right' would have been better...

Oh well, thanks anyway.

if i ever see the nickname procrasti again on this site or anywhere in my life, i want it to be in an OBITUARY -- CTS
doing my best at licking arseholes - may 2015 -- mirko
Winner of Kuro5hin: April 2015
[ Parent ]

the uploader has NOT made this available ... (3.00 / 2) (#19)
by sye on Fri May 10, 2013 at 02:25:37 PM EST

to your country. Outrageously treacherous!


Just be good to green.

commentary - For a better sye@K5
ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
enter K5 via Blastar.in

Why have you linked an unviewable video? (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by procrasti on Fri May 10, 2013 at 02:35:44 PM EST

Is that like some asian zen thing?

if i ever see the nickname procrasti again on this site or anywhere in my life, i want it to be in an OBITUARY -- CTS
doing my best at licking arseholes - may 2015 -- mirko
Winner of Kuro5hin: April 2015
[ Parent ]
+1FP. Does not enable fags $ (3.00 / 5) (#21)
by zombie Fred Phelps on Fri May 10, 2013 at 05:59:21 PM EST

by HackerCracker on Wed May 15, 2013 at 04:38:42 PM EST


And Irish have Guinness Stout, a meal in a liquid (none / 0) (#25)
by McNugent on Sun May 19, 2013 at 03:10:19 PM EST


yes, good liquor to be found in the UK, BUT (none / 0) (#27)
by iggymanz on Wed Jul 24, 2013 at 09:44:49 PM EST

It is humorous in the extreme for any UKer to be lecturing those in the USA on matters of cuisine.  To put a very fine point on the matter of cuisine in the UK, they don't have any.  No one travels to the UK for the "food". Steak and kidney pie?  Haggis?  Bangers and mash?  Enough said.

US of America, a land of fusion,  enjoys and appreciates cuisine from far east, middle east, south america, central america, central europe....I do not know anyone among my friends or family who darkens the door of "the Golden Arches", but it may well be those are the descendents of Limeys supporting that corporation

[ Parent ]

it took thirteen years... (none / 0) (#29)
by new500 on Wed Sep 10, 2014 at 07:01:28 PM EST

But I believe there has been a Petri dish evolution of something rotten..

Can anyone greet me with a explanation as to what this site has been up to, since I last dropped by?

Hit me with it how you like, I'm fine with being told I don't get it, or told anything, if it helps me make sense of this place, but I'm n a little shock, I genuinely just had a nostalgia moment for what a nice quietly intelligent place this used to be, and profanity across the front page only began to attract my jaw towards the ground.

Maybe such is life, but I'm curious, and do not mean to offend anyone, only seek a kind of orientation, even if that's a smart order to turn about 180 degrees..
== Idle Random Thoughts. Usual disclaimers apply. ==

Why Yanks Cannot Understand Chef Rights | 27 comments (23 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
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