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The Matrix: Reworded

By kitten in Fiction
Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 09:57:38 AM EST
Tags: etc (all tags)



Police cruisers flash
Sirens lighting up the night
Black sedan pulls up

    Lieutenant, I gave
    Specific orders to you
    Which you have ignored.

    I'm doing my job.
    Don't give me "jurisdiction".
    Cram it up your ass.

    I sent two units
    They are bringing her down now
    Everything is fine.

    Lieutenant, your men
    Are almost assuredly
    Already dead now.


Woman in vinyl
At a computer she sits
Police barrel in

    Hands on your head now!
    Don't you think about moving
    Or we will shoot you.

In the air she floats
Twisting, cat-like, a kick
Cops fall to the ground

    Morpheus?  Sorry,
    The line was tapped and I'm stuck.
    What do I do now?

    They cut the hard line.
    You must focus, Trinity.
    Go to the exit.

    Will there be agents?
    They are going to kill me
    I cannot make it.

    There is an exit
    Close to the northern tower
    You can make it.  Go.


Running and sprinting
Trinity dives from the roof
The Agent gives chase


A phone booth ahead
The loud screeching of tires
Crushed steel and glass

The Agents, too late
Step out into the wreckage
Discuss their next move

    Damn!  She got away
    This always seems to happen
    I hate those humans.

    It does not matter.
    We know the next target's name
    The informant told.

    We will need to search
    We'll start as soon as we can
    Before they get him.

    His name is Neo.
    We have already begun
    The long search for him.


Cables and routers
A man searches for answers
A black display screen

    What the hell is this?
    Always crashing or freezing
    Goddamn Microsoft.

    Please wake up, Neo
    And follow the white rabbit
    The Matrix has you.

Neo considers
Tension in the room is high
A knock at the door

    Who the hell is there   
    Now, at this ungodly time
    This is a bit weird.

Cautious by nature
He halfway opens the door
His visitor waits

    You're two hours late.
    What the hell are you doing?
    Can't you be on time?

    I know I am late.
    It's all her fault.  Damn women!
    Here's the two thousand.

Money changes hands
A hidden black minidisc
A dire warning

    Choi, you remember
    That if you're caught using that
    This never happened.

    I know, yes, I know.
    This did not ever happen
    And I don't know you.

    Is something wrong, man?
    You look whiter than normal.
    Maybe you need rest.

    My computer, it's..
    You ever think you're still dreaming
    After you wake up?

    All the time, my man.
     Mescaline is the only
    Way that you should fly.

    You need to relax.
    Maybe you could come with us?
    What do you say, man?

A silenced protest
White rabbit on her shoulder
Instructions compel

    Yeah, sure, I will go.
    Even though these fetish clubs
    Aren't really my scene.


Neo stands alone
Still out of his element
Woman approaches

    Hello there, Neo.
    I know a lot about you.
    I am Trinity.

    I can't believe it.
    You hacked the IRS base?
    Thought you were a guy!

    Most guys do, Neo.
    Please just listen to me now.
    I have news for you.

    They are watching you.
    Every minute and hour
    They know where you are.

    The question drives us.
    You know what question that is.
    Now find the answer.

    What is the Matrix?
    I really don't have a clue
    What is going on.


Piercing alarm buzz
A hand, in motion, kills it
And panic ensues

    Shit!  Goddammit all!
    I'm late for work, as always
    Now I'll get bitched at!


In his suit, humbled
A boss fed up with lateness
A window is cleaned

    You have a problem.
    You think that you are special.
    You are mistaken.

    I am sick of this.
    You are always late, Thomas.
    Be on time or else.


Bored out of his mind
He sits, pretending to work
A package arrives

    You're Anderson, right?
    I have a package for you.
    Here you go.  Sign here.

Package authorized
A ringing phone tumbles out
Wary, he answers

    Hello there, Neo.
    Do you have any idea
    Who you're talking to?

    Is this Morpheus?
    I have been looking for you.
    What is going on?

    They're coming for you
    And I don't know what they'll do
    If they get to you.

Peers over the wall
Dark suits and black sunglasses
Trouble is afoot

    I can help you, but
    You must do what I tell you.
    Run across the hall.

A flight down the hall
Empty offices, locked doors
Short and ragged breath

    Done and done.  Now what?
    And how do you know all this?
    I'm really confused.

    No time to explain.
    Climb the scaffold outside, and
    Go up to the roof.

Click of a dead line
Out the window, on the ledge
Gravity meets phone

    No way! This is nuts!
    Why should this happen to me?
    I am nobody!


Covert black leather
Trinity on her cycle
Curses the bad choice

    Goddammit to hell.
    I knew he wouldn't listen.
    Now he's in deep shit!


Agents enter room
Take up flanking formation
Smith faces Neo

    Mister Anderson,
    We've been watching you closely.
    Seems you live two lives.

    In one life you are
    Thomas A. Anderson, and
    You pay your taxes

    You have a good job
    With a fine company
    And - wait, what is this?

    Hmm, how very odd.
    And you help your landlady
    Take out the garbage.

    In your other life
    You're a hacker named Neo.
    You always break laws.

    There's one life you have
    That has a future, and one
    That does not, Anderson.

    We want to help you.
    We know you've talked to a man
    Who's called Morpheus.

    We will wipe the slate.
    We can give you a fresh start.
    But you must help us.

    Well, yeah, that sounds good
    But I've got my own idea.
    You're so full of crap

    So how about this?:
    I will give you the finger
    And then use the phone.

Sigh of great disdain
Darkened sunglasses back on
Smith is not amused

    Mister Anderson
    You disappoint me greatly.
    I thought you were wise.

    You cannot scare me
    With all this Gestapo crap.
    I want my phone call!

    Tell me, Anderson,
    How will a phone call help you
    If you cannot speak?

Organic metal
Twisting, morphing, and crawling
Neo's mouth glued shut

    Mmm mmf!  Mmf mmm mfm!
    mmm, mmm! Mmph mmf mmph mm Mmm!
     Mmf mmmph mm mmp mm!

    You're going to help
    Whether or not you like it.
    You cannot stop us.


Was it all a dream?
Phone ringing; he awakens
Doesn't say hello

    I must be brief, for
    Your line is probably tapped.
    Do you want to meet?

    Then go to the bridge
    And wait outside in the rain.
    I will send a car.


Rain sluices down
Silouetted by the light
A car approaches


New people with guns
Annie Lennox all business
No uncertain terms

    Take off your shirt.  Now.
    We don't have time for questions.
    It's our way, or else.

    Well, forget all this!
    I'll take my chances elsewhere
    Cause I'm a bigshot.

    Neo, please listen.
    Just do as she says, okay?
    It's all for the best.

    Fine, but only cause
    You're wearing kinky vinyl
    Which I really dig.

    We think you are bugged.
    Besides which, this machine here
    Just looks really cool.

Extraction machine
X-ray vision on the screen
Bug out the window

    Oh my fucking god!
    You mean that wasn't a dream?
    It's really real?!


Spiralling staircase
Towering eight floors above
A final large door

    You must be honest.
    He knows things you can't predict
    So don't try to lie.

Door swinging open
Trencoated man and lightning
Very dramatic

    At last, we now meet.
    I am Morpheus, but you
    Already knew that.

    It's a great honor
    To finally meet you, sir.
    I've been waiting long.

Chairs and a table
Facing each other, they sit
The answers coming

    So.  You're here because
    You know something important
    That you can't explain.

    I will explain it.
    The Matrix is all around.
    Even in this room.

    You can feel it
    When you go to work or church.
    Even when you sleep.

    You're a slave, Neo.
    In a jail you can't see
    Can't smell and can't touch.

    You can't be told what it is.
    You have to see it.

In his hands, two pills
Red and blue, they are offered
A final warning

    This is your last chance.
    You can take the red or blue.
    These are your choices.

    Take the blue pill, and
    You will forget what happened.
    You'll live as you have.

    Take the red pill, and
    You will come with me. I can
    Show you the Matrix.

    Remember, Neo
    I'm only offering truth
    Nothing more than that.

Neo hesitates
And considers his options
There are not many

    Remember, Neo
    I am only offering
    The truth.  Nothing more.

Did I say many
I really meant only one
Neo makes his choice

    The pill that you took
    Was part of a trace program.
    We'll find you with it.

Discarded rotaries
Merged with futuristic tech
A warping mirror

    Tank!  Are you with me?
    We need a signal right now!
    Hurry!  Track him down!


Rows and endless rows
Human bodies tombed in tubes
Paradigm shifting

Sentry guard robot
Dispatched to the scene quickly
Expels human waste

Floating in a sea
Bright lights descend from above
A lifeline lowered


Blurred, confused vision
Unknown faces smearing past
A voice in the dark

    Ah, welcome, Neo
    To this, the real world.
    The answers will come.

So endeth part one
To be continued, await
The next installment


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Display: Sort:
The Matrix: Reworded | 115 comments (54 topical, 61 editorial, 0 hidden)
Hmm (2.78 / 37) (#2)
by six volt on Mon Nov 15, 2004 at 09:59:53 PM EST

While I was scrolling down, I got an idea: A mouse-wheeling competition.

-I want to be this guy.-

for a smart quirky jewish guy (1.00 / 13) (#6)
by meathead on Mon Nov 15, 2004 at 10:44:42 PM EST

this is the best u got bro?

-1, kitten (1.04 / 22) (#7)
by FreeBSD on Mon Nov 15, 2004 at 11:02:59 PM EST

Wow, this article sucks herpes-covered cock.

No blow by blow of that, please (2.00 / 3) (#19)
by Dasher42 on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 03:58:14 AM EST

Some people should never, ever use the words "cock" and "herpes" to disparage other people's work, in light of their writing history. But, they do anyway.

[ Parent ]
-1: kitten (1.41 / 17) (#11)
by After The Gold Rush on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 01:54:46 AM EST

i know its been said before, but its worth repeating and emphasizing. While the thought of voting down on the merits of the author rather than the article may be seen as abhorrent, I assure you it is the Kuro5hin way.

+1, but (1.50 / 12) (#25)
by codejack on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:08:36 AM EST

Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Like learn to square dance or something?

Please read before posting.

+FP, and yet (1.33 / 12) (#28)
by dimaq on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:18:54 AM EST

this is not really haiku.

IMHO real haiku requires a certain, rather high degree of confusion - yours if too... plain, simple, too modern and understandable!

besides, your form should probably termed as hakkai, please see http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/

true (1.50 / 2) (#29)
by forgotten on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:30:26 AM EST

most people think haiku is defined by the syllable count, whereas that is just one component.


[ Parent ]

syllable count (2.00 / 4) (#33)
by Altus on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 01:44:12 PM EST

hell.. the whole syllable count thing was designed for a totally different language.  It doesnt really work the same way when writing them in english.


"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women..." -H. Simpson
[ Parent ]

also (3.00 / 2) (#82)
by labradore on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 12:34:10 PM EST

Haikus are supposed to involve nature. In fact, they are mostly supposed to be about nature. This being the most important part, all other 5-7-5 syllable phrases are not really Haiku.

The spirit makes it a poem, not the form.

[ Parent ]

Come on! (1.60 / 10) (#38)
by LO313 on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 03:21:56 PM EST

I suppose if this was a haiku of the presidential election and/or the evils of Pres. George Bush then it would be on the fast track to the front page. Instead its a little entertaining tid-bit about a movie that actually took some effort on the author's part.

wow (1.71 / 7) (#43)
by fatalfury on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 04:42:46 PM EST

that takes some dedication. :)

Pardon me, sir (2.45 / 11) (#46)
by toulouse on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 04:57:37 PM EST

But did you not post this exact piece, minus a few edits, two whole meme-steaming years ago?

'My god...it's full of blogs.' - ktakki

Sort of. (2.60 / 10) (#52)
by kitten on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 05:35:37 PM EST

Actually, back then, one major complaint was that the only haiku was the dialogue -- all the staging and narrative information was still prose. The other day I decided to fix that, and give it another shot. Changed quite a bit of the dialogue too, but the major difference now is that everything is haiku save for set indicators.
mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
[ Parent ]
k-1tten (1.33 / 15) (#48)
by debacle on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 05:17:04 PM EST

nice toosh

It tastes sweet.
-1, I hate haiku (1.35 / 14) (#50)
by rodoke3 on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 05:24:53 PM EST

it encourages people who have no business writing to believe that they are being profound.

I take umbrage with such statments and am induced to pull out archaic and over pompous words to refute such insipid vitriol. -- kerinsky

please resubmit this comment (1.00 / 3) (#71)
by kpaul on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 10:51:49 PM EST

as haiku so it will at least seem to have some value ;)

2014 Halloween Costumes
[ Parent ]

oh wow Andy Zebrowitz you're a genius, (1.00 / 26) (#60)
by Esspets on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:07:46 PM EST

let me suck your cock because you wrote a haiku summary of The Matrix, FAG. You're so full of wit Andy, please would you do a spoken-word recording of it while you're at it? I love the sound of your forced deep voice!

Not really haiku (1.87 / 8) (#61)
by Musagetes on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:14:38 PM EST

...but at least you tried.

k-1tten (1.27 / 11) (#62)
by Tod Friendly on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 07:49:35 PM EST

Also, -1-haiku-for-absolutely-no-reason.

Also, if you have to make a point by referencing The Matrix, it isn't worth making.


Strongbad says it all... (1.40 / 10) (#64)
by skyknight on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 08:30:28 PM EST


It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
DELORTED! n/t (none / 0) (#87)
by DoorFrame on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 04:04:36 PM EST

[ Parent ]
0, Homestar Runner (none / 1) (#100)
by Tod Friendly on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 03:36:22 AM EST

On the other hand, 3 Against This Story. Guess it cancels out to a 1.

[ Parent ]
Whatever drugs you were on, (1.33 / 9) (#66)
by tdillo on Tue Nov 16, 2004 at 09:28:13 PM EST

please share!

hmmm (1.41 / 12) (#72)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 12:19:20 AM EST

is it just me or is it a lot more interesting if you delete all the words that have a vowel other than e or y?

THE BY EXT. THE the my me sent They her men she we the she the The They the the there be They me There the EXT. the The EXT. STREET The steel The Step the next She seems We the next The We need We'll we they get We The screen the hell SCREEN the The the the the hell there by He the the hell be her Here's the remember never yes, ever need rest. My ever the my the fly. need her Even these my scene. element there, the were me news They Every They where The the the get fed Be else. He FED EX Here here. he there, been They're they'll they get Peers the help tell the the Empty the the the the ledge meets Why me? EXT. her cycle the hell. knew he he's deep enter We've been Seems - Hmm, very help the There's We help We We the We fresh help Well, my the then the me were me my Tell me, help Mmm mmf! Mmf mmm mfm! mmm, mmm! Mmph mmf mmph mm Mmm! Mmf mmmph mm mmp mm! help Whether he be meet? Then the the send EXT. by the New terms We else. Well, my elsewhere she the best. We here the screen the my be He try Very we meet. knew meet been they The here The Even feel When Even when sleep. see smell be see Red they the red These the the red me. the Remember, There Remember, The The We'll Merged tech me? We need endless Sentry the scene Expels descend the the The endeth be The next

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!

Gee (1.50 / 2) (#86)
by DoorFrame on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 04:04:07 PM EST

Did you take the time to do that by hand?  

If so, why?

[ Parent ]

nope, i did not (none / 0) (#94)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 07:48:12 PM EST

That means i don't have to answer the why right?

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]
You do not have to answer why (none / 1) (#97)
by DoorFrame on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 09:53:07 PM EST

As long as it wasn't by hand, you're in the clear on the whole "why" front.  

[ Parent ]
I can't believe you spent time on this... (1.50 / 2) (#91)
by n1ckn4m3 on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 07:01:13 PM EST

That's all I had to say, just that I couldn't believe you had so much time to waste that your post seemed a viable use of it.

[ Parent ]
I spent about 30 seconds on it. (3.00 / 3) (#93)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 07:46:25 PM EST

How much did you ehem i mean kitten spend on rewriting Matrix in 7-5-7?

I'll repeat my observation for those of us who don't lurk in Editorial comments after a story has been posted:

You're about as anal as kitten is.  And just as unbiased as him (which is to say very biased).  5/5 of your posts are kitten related which means you're either him or you're his cockboy.  It blows my mind that kitten can EVEN make friends let alone those who dedicate a whole K5 account to him.

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

'niggated by your own idiocy' (1.00 / 1) (#109)
by n1ckn4m3 on Wed Dec 08, 2004 at 08:00:16 PM EST

So. Because there are two people in the world with similar views, they are immediately in cahoots? I've never met kitten. I hate some of his posts as much as you do. You're as bad as Baldrson. Next you'll be posting about massive conspiracies relating to your posts getting modded down.

So. To reiterate. Your rhymes SUCK. That is why I post about them. Not because I'm kitten's 'cockboy', although, I will readily admit that on the few times he's spat verse on this shiat of a board, it's been leaps and bounds above yours. His posts are also (usually) much more intelligable, if misguided.

What I find funniest is that you're probably a 13 year old white boy from the middle of some redneck ass town trying as hard as you can to act 'ghetto' so your friends accept you. If it makes you feel better to think that everyone that thinks you're an assbag is in cahoots, go ahead. Get really paranoid. Start thinking that everyone that doesn't agree with you is in on some HUGE multi-national conspiracy to downplay your INCREDIBLE rhymes.

[ Parent ]
You can't read can you? (none / 0) (#110)
by balsamic vinigga on Thu Dec 09, 2004 at 02:30:07 AM EST

I didn't conclude that you were kitten's cockboy because you hate my rhymes...  it's more than just you and kitten who do.

I concluded that you're his cockboy because of your posting history.  That's right this whole account exists for kitten's sake.  Probably a sock puppet of some other regular account, fine... but in this incarnation you're kitten's cockboy.

So why don't you either A tell us who your regular account is or B tell us how you're a no life IRC user that chats with kitten all day on IRC, and are so infatuated with him that if he goes and raises some havoc on k5 you must tag along with this stupid account.

fuckin loser.

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

holy cow you're fucked in the head (1.00 / 1) (#111)
by n1ckn4m3 on Tue Dec 14, 2004 at 08:22:35 PM EST

So. Because I've only posted a few times and these posts happen to primarily be in reponse to you sucking or in the same thread as something kitten says, I'm his cockboy? Jesus you're and idiot. I don't have a 'regular' account, you're looking at it, dipstick.

As far as spending all of my life on IRC, you're sorely mistaken. Fortunately, I work 50 hours a week as a network administrator and have little time to spend wasting in some stupid chat room. Considering that 7 years ago, when I *STOPPED* using IRC, all of the channels were full of worthless assbags, I don't have any desire to spend hours arguing with some stupid 14 year old who has an @ and thinks he's god.

Like I said before. You're free to believe whatever it is that the two electrons remaining in that obtuse and deformed skull of yours manage to put together. Welcome to America. Land of the Free to think whatever the hell you want to. Nothing I say will change your idiotic ways, nor will it change your belief of my being some sort of puppet. Fine. Delude yourself. It doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is your complete lack of rhyming ability, as I've previously posted. If you want to turn this into some pissing contest, you've already won -- I won't play. I graduated beyond bullshit message board pissing contests back on BBS's, before the few brain cells you had left could even form a cohesive thought.

So. If it makes you feel better, you win. You win the pissing contest. I can't do anything to prove that I'm not kitten's 'cockboy', just as you can't do anything except assume that I am. Sounds to me like we're at an impass. Should you desire, you could petition the Ops of this board to furnish IP addresses to prove that his IP is different than mine. I assume, however, that information such as that might make too much sense, and not fit into your master plan of 'How everyone is liberated against nigga and his reign of supreme rap skills.'

Merry Christmas.

[ Parent ]
No time to waste in an IRC? (none / 0) (#112)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Dec 15, 2004 at 01:44:23 PM EST

Must not be a very good network admin then.  Any network admin that's worth his weight in cisco manuals let's his scripts and configs do his work for him.

So perhaps you can set up firewall like I can rap... fortunately I'm not ripping any employer off in the process.  Just doing it for fun and if people enjoy them great,  and if dickwads like you are annoyed by them all the better.

And look at your comment history.  Not only are they jabs at me but also stupid baldrson shit you and kitten were on that i had absolutely nothing to do with.

Anyway..  you claim you moved past pissing contests but you started this shit by coming out of nowhere pissing on my rhymes.  You can diss me respectufully by taking it to the mic...  otherwise you're just starting the shit you claim to have moved past.

Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for my next rap battle with jave27.  Coming soon.

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

hark (none / 1) (#113)
by William Shakespeare on Thu Apr 21, 2005 at 04:29:07 AM EST

you shall die a horrible death. and youre dick will be cut off

[ Parent ]
by After The Gold Rush on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 05:40:55 AM EST


This kind of sucked. [nt] (2.00 / 2) (#79)
by Netcraft on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 09:31:50 AM EST

I skimmed (1.50 / 2) (#80)
by wurp on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 11:08:55 AM EST

and missed the "Haiku" part at the beginning of the story.  I was a third of the way through before it struck me like a ton of bricks.  I think it must have read much better that way, with the surprise, because I loved it. :-)
Buy my stuff
What? It's a 6! (1.75 / 4) (#81)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 12:04:08 PM EST

How the fuck did a 6 make it to section?  I smell corruption.

Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
RTFF -nt (none / 1) (#84)
by Kasreyn on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 02:18:39 PM EST

"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
pwhysall did it. (2.28 / 7) (#88)
by the ghost of rmg on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 05:24:43 PM EST

it's actually not possible to get an article posted via autopost with only a score of six. since rusty (wisely) voted against this, it must be pwhysall's work.

i can't understand why that wanker is an editor. he consistently votes against excellent (by kuro5hin standards) articles, yet he lets this shit stay around because it's written by one of lame assed irc buddies. what a fucking joke.

if there's anyone responsible for the decline of this site besides rusty, it's whysall.

rmg: comments better than yours.
[ Parent ]

Agreed. [nt] (none / 0) (#99)
by Tod Friendly on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 03:35:38 AM EST

[ Parent ]
MAD? as in mutually and assured and... (none / 0) (#107)
by kpaul on Wed Nov 24, 2004 at 07:32:29 PM EST

see here...


2014 Halloween Costumes
[ Parent ]

interesting but... (2.88 / 18) (#85)
by flippy on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 02:21:41 PM EST

Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. /nt (none / 0) (#103)
by Soviet Russian on Fri Nov 19, 2004 at 03:59:35 AM EST

[ Parent ]
OH MY GOD (none / 0) (#104)
by VoiceOfGod on Fri Nov 19, 2004 at 10:05:16 PM EST

Tell me more.
cat /dev/america | grep "common sense"
[ Parent ]
NEWS FLASH (3.00 / 10) (#96)
by Armin Hardwood on Wed Nov 17, 2004 at 09:38:59 PM EST

"Haiku" is no longer cool.

From now on, if you want people to think you're creative, please format your text with 13 characters on the odd lines and 20 characters on the even lines.
And capitalize every 9th word.
Thank you.

Newser Flash (none / 0) (#114)
by nanometer on Wed Aug 10, 2005 at 04:55:14 PM EST

Don't forget to use a monospace font! Personally, I use a randomizer function for the punctuation of my poetry. If it's not mindlessly clever, it's not art!
--- He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
[ Parent ]
this isn't haiku (3.00 / 8) (#98)
by urdine on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 01:04:35 AM EST

Great, you've crammed the syllables in correctly.  Now learn what makes haikus structurally interesting, because this ain't it.

Yes, this is just poor senryu. [nt] (none / 0) (#101)
by Tod Friendly on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 03:38:38 AM EST

[ Parent ]
God, you two are just uptight (none / 1) (#105)
by McMick on Sun Nov 21, 2004 at 04:30:36 PM EST

And it could be argued that *parts* of this are in fact accetpable haiku, whereas other parts are senryu. First off, don't even start trying to make English fit into traditional Japanese haiku format, 'cause it ain't gonna happen. So you two trying to interpret what most others would see as a light and amusing piece of work into some example of the flawed nature of this author's understanding of haiku, I'd have to just reply -- LIGHTEN UP, and also unless you're a Japanese haiku master, you have no room to talk.

[ Parent ]
I have to be going now... (2.83 / 6) (#106)
by McMick on Sun Nov 21, 2004 at 04:39:03 PM EST

...there's a Japanese forum somewhere on which some person's limerick is being mercilessly deconstructed by uptight fellow Japanese amateur limerick enthusiasts, and I must berate them.

[ Parent ]
all right, i's taken all i's can takes (2.28 / 7) (#102)
by the ghost of rmg on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 08:26:03 PM EST

an i can't stands no more!

Subject: wanton copyright infringement/intellectual property theft
To: contact@burlymanentertainment.com

hello. i just wanted make you aware of the following:


the proprietors of this site seem to be promoting some alternative version ("the matrix: reworded") of your film "the matrix" for mass consumption. in the attached comments you will find sufficient information about the perpetrators that you will be able to "take it from there" as far as appropriate legal action is concerned.

normally i wouldn't say anything (i guess that makes me a guilty bystander), but i am such a fan of your films, it just breaks my heart to see others unjustly capitalize on your creativity. i've watched the matrix like, fifteen times (five times in the theatres). best film since citizen kane!

thanks for all your hard work.

yours faithfully,

<my name>

rmg: comments better than yours.

Dude... (none / 0) (#115)
by princecyrus06 on Fri May 05, 2006 at 12:17:40 PM EST

You're such an ass! I'm a fan of The Matrix too, actually, I'm a hardcore fan! And I loved this story! It's amazing! And just so you know, people all over the world are breaking copyright laws, and most of them don't have some asshole trying to get them in trouble. So, I have an idea, why don't you......just go skydiving without a parachute. That'll make the rest of us happy!
-Timothy___ "All I offer is the truth, nothing more..."
[ Parent ]
The Matrix: Reworded | 115 comments (54 topical, 61 editorial, 0 hidden)
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