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Choose Your Own Adventure: WTC

By troglodyte in Fiction
Wed May 12, 2004 at 09:36:28 AM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)

You are an executive for a top financial institution in New York.  The date is September 11, 2001. At 3:00 a.m. you got back from an all-expenses paid "business trip" to Thailand where you had sex with a 13 year old prostitute. You are exhausted and you fear you have contracted syphilis. Do you try to call in sick? Or do you push yourself to get into your office at the World Trade Center's North Tower by 8 a.m.?

If you try to call in sick turn to page 2

If you force yourself in to work turn to page 3

Page 2

As you are reaching for the phone your wife wakes up. The fat cow tells you her only plans for the day are to watch soap operas and stuff her fat disgusting face. You realize if you stay home you'll be lucky if you only have to talk to her. She may want to make love. You prepare yourself for work as quickly as possible and run out if your door.

Turn to Page 3

Page 3

You take the long elevator ride to your office only 3 floors from the top. Tired and disheveled you greet your buxom blonde secretary and step into your office. You sit at your desk and try to get some work done, but you are too tired. You decide you need a quick pick-me-up. You fish your glass "bullet," brimming with pure cocaine, from your pocket and you take a deep sniff. Two minutes later, you take another sniff. After 30 seconds you take another. You are now quite awake, but conflicted. Part of you wants to keep inhaling until the bullet's dry and another part of you wants to bang your secretary.

If you keep sniffing cocaine turn to Page 4

If you bang your secretary turn to Page 5

Page 4

You sniff. And you snort. And you sniff. And you snort. Soon your bullet is nearly empty. As you try for another sniff you find it hard to breathe. The room starts to spin. Soon your vision begins to go black. As you pass into unconsciousness you hear a thunderous explosion. You don't care. You're already dead.

You have lost. Go back and try a different path to complete your adventure.

Page 5

You buzz your secretary and ask her to come into your office. She knows the drill.  She enters your office already undressing. She gets on her knees and after half an hour she finally manages to arouse you. You bend her over your desk and give her the best thirty seconds of her life. As the two of you clean up you hear a deafening roar and the building shakes in its foundation. The sprinklers in the ceiling turn on soaking you. You have no idea what is happening but you know you must get out of the building as quickly as possible.

You and your secretary rush to the nearest stairwell and begin the long descent.  After two floors your heart is beating dangerously fast. The years of stress and the plaque in your arteries have caught up to you. Your secretary is in good shape and having no such difficulties. You want to ask her for help but your ego is telling you to be strong and act like a man.

If you ask your secretary for assistance turn to Page 6

If you try to be a man for once in your life turn to Page 7

Page 6

You grab your secretary's shoulder to get her attention and pant out a plea for help. As she puts her arm around your shoulder to help you walk you jump on her back and demand she carry you.

Ever the obedient servant your secretary acquiesces. With your legs straddling her hips and your hands firmly on her breasts she dutifully carries you down the stairs. As she slowly makes her way down, the stairwell gets hotter and hotter. Soon you are being carried through a thick cloud of smoke. Finally, your secretary succumbs. As she passes out, and begins to tumble down the stairs towards the inferno below, you jump off her back. You make your way back up to the next floor to look for another exit.

There is fire on this floor too, but you hear people screaming from a nearby office. You rush to the office hoping for a way out and you find it. One by one, people are lining up to jump to their deaths.

Knowing there is no escape you wait patiently as one person after another takes the plunge. Finally the only people left are you and a morbidly obese man. The obese man walks to the sill and looks out. He is whimper and crying. He can't stop saying that he's scared to die. Your patience is wearing thin. The fire is creeping closer to you and you don't want to be engulfed. You want to get out of that window before the fire reaches you but you also want to give the man some dignity in death.

If you push the man out of the window turn to Page 8

If you wait for the man to end his own life turn to Page 9

Page 7

You continue on, carrying your burden silently. Your secretary is taking the stairs quickly, two at a time, and you can barely keep up.  Five floors later, at the top of yet another flight of stairs, your body gives out. You feel a searing pain in your left arm and your legs collapse.  You tumble down the stairs. At the bottom you land on your head. The last thing you hear is the sound of your own neck snapping.

You have lost. Go back and try a different path to complete your adventure.


Page 8

You are sick of this man's whimpering as the fire at your back grows closer. You walk up to give fattie a good shove. In mid-shove, the man turns around and sees you attempting to kill him. As he begins to fall out of the window he latches on to your arm and pulls you with him.

You both tumble in free-fall for what seems like eternity. The obese man hits the ground first, making a disgusting squishing sound. You fall on top of fattie and bounce off his rotund belly. You land and your back and your head hits the pavement. The world goes dark.

You wake up several weeks later in a hospital. You are alive but you have been paralyzed from the neck down. You will never have sex with an underage Asian prostitute again. You will have to spend the rest of your days at home with your fat cow of a wife taking care of you. You wish you had died.

The End

Page 9

You wait patiently for the man to jump. Finally he realizes he doesn't have the courage and backs away from the window. As you step up to the window and look at the long drop below you realize you also lack testicular fortitude. The obese man gets restless. He feels the heat on his back through his many layers of fat, and his courage begins to reappear. He charges the window and does a giant belly flop, pushing you out of the window in the process. You watch the ground groq closer and closer. You close your eyes and brace for impact. You land feet first, breaking nearly every bone in your body. You are still barely conscious when 450 pounds of lard lands on top of you.

You have lost. Go back and try a different path to complete your adventure.


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Choose Your Own Adventure: WTC | 110 comments (62 topical, 48 editorial, 1 hidden)
+1, fan-fucking-tastic (1.72 / 25) (#11)
by Hide The Hamster on Mon May 10, 2004 at 09:40:41 PM EST

Free spirits are a liability.

August 8, 2004: "it certainly is" and I had engaged in a homosexual tryst.

-1 Mocking tragedy aside... (1.93 / 16) (#12)
by Korimyr the Rat on Mon May 10, 2004 at 09:44:57 PM EST

... most of the choices, and the whole tone of this article, is pretty distasteful.

"Specialization is for insects." Robert Heinlein
Founding Member of 'Retarded Monkeys Against the Restriction of Weapons Privileges'
+1 FP Mocking tragedy plus... (2.58 / 17) (#25)
by godix on Tue May 11, 2004 at 12:20:06 AM EST

most of the choices, and the whole tone of this article, is pretty distateful. I look forward to your CYOA about riding a train in Spain.

Thank god I'm worth more than SilentChris

[ Parent ]
A train in Spain falls mainly on the... hmmm. (2.50 / 10) (#37)
by Russell Dovey on Tue May 11, 2004 at 02:34:44 AM EST

There's really nothing there, I'm afraid.

Damn Al Qaeda with their explosives! If they'd derailed the train, like normal terrorists, the pun would be easy! But nooo, they had to fucking blow it  up!

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

Pain in Spain falls mainly on the train (none / 0) (#79)
by ffrinch on Wed May 12, 2004 at 09:06:11 PM EST

was the headline in the Chaser, IIRC.

"I learned the hard way that rock music ... is a powerful demonic force controlled by Satan." — Jack Chick
[ Parent ]
It's been almost three years from September 11th (2.66 / 6) (#55)
by ElMiguel on Tue May 11, 2004 at 03:18:22 PM EST

But only two months from March 11th.

[ Parent ]
I don't see how it matters (2.71 / 7) (#64)
by godix on Wed May 12, 2004 at 02:55:46 AM EST

I was making 9/11 jokes on 9/12. Why should I give Spain more respect than I gave the US?

Thank god I'm worth more than SilentChris

[ Parent ]
+1 FP (2.31 / 16) (#17)
by undermyne on Mon May 10, 2004 at 10:11:46 PM EST

13 year old thai prostitutes and bouncing off a fatty after falling a great distance. Bravo sir, Bravo!

"You're an asshole. You are the greatest troll on this site." Some nullo

amusing (2.60 / 10) (#19)
by Work on Mon May 10, 2004 at 10:44:59 PM EST

just today i was thinking about those CYOA books I used to read as a kid.

My favorite was Prisoner of the Ant People

Strange (none / 0) (#105)
by cluke on Fri May 21, 2004 at 09:10:34 AM EST

So was I, funny enough. They always used to annoy the hell out of me though, the way they had no internal consistency. What, you mean the abominable snowman turned out to be a man in a monkey suit just because I turned left at the fallen sign, whereas if I turned right it was an stranded space alien?

[ Parent ]
Excheeeellllent. (2.43 / 16) (#21)
by caine on Mon May 10, 2004 at 10:54:34 PM EST

Fun fiction. Intriguing technical solution. Good purpose. You...you actually bring some hope to my heart.


Uh, Like... (2.50 / 14) (#23)
by razzmataz on Tue May 11, 2004 at 12:09:30 AM EST

Where's the grue, man?

-- I love the smell of fdisk in the morning...

Tragedy + Time = Humor (2.72 / 18) (#36)
by Psycho Dave on Tue May 11, 2004 at 02:34:01 AM EST

Also +1, since the "Choose Your Own Adventure" format has been severely underused. Fuck you Harry Potter.

Well good for you! (2.39 / 23) (#40)
by Ta bu shi da yu on Tue May 11, 2004 at 05:27:13 AM EST

It can only be much appreciated when one of the K5 community writes a story of such depth. Your story sensitively raised serious issues not often looked at in such a unique way. We should all undertake similar, thoughtful messages, whether through our workplace, in our homes, in our churches or even at the local Fire Department!

troglodyte, bravo for your courage in coming out with such a witty and thought-provoking black comedy. The characters... they felt so... real, if you know what I mean? the doomed secretary who gave the man a blowjob for 35minutes. The under-age asian girl who gave the man syphillis. The gargantuan unloved wife. The fat man, pushed out the window to survive such a tragedy. So realistic!

May I make a suggestion? I, personally, would be proud of my work here and I think that I'd really want to print this out in it's page numbered format. This is just me, but I'd be wanting to show it off: hang it up on the work bulletin board! Be sure to sign it no less, after all this is what all the great masters did when produced such works of art. And the rewards! After the boss sees the adulation you'll receive from your colleagues you'll be sure to receive that well-earned raise. I mean, even better if you work in a New York advertising agency - the creativity and empathy you displayed in this literature would be sure to get you plenty of attention!

Please, do follow my suggestions and let us know how it goes in your diary. I'll be waiting in eager anticipation!

AdTIה"the think tank that didn't".

Just 'cuz you didn't find 11/9 hilarious. [nt] (2.38 / 13) (#52)
by James A C Joyce on Tue May 11, 2004 at 01:32:59 PM EST

I bought this account on eBay
[ Parent ]

Oh, a real barrel of laughs. (nt) (none / 3) (#58)
by Ta bu shi da yu on Tue May 11, 2004 at 05:25:09 PM EST

AdTIה"the think tank that didn't".
[ Parent ]
And where is your empathy (2.85 / 7) (#54)
by d s oliver h on Tue May 11, 2004 at 02:35:44 PM EST

with our cave-dwelling friend, whose confused and tortured psyche compels him to produce such twisted works of art?

[ Parent ]
Reenactment of our position (2.79 / 53) (#44)
by K5 ASCII reenactment players on Tue May 11, 2004 at 08:30:01 AM EST

            # ## # ##  #
          ## # ## # # #
         # ## #     ##
        # # ##   ## ##
         & & &   #&#
  ------&-&-&&--&## #
  | _  _  & & &##& ##
  ||_||_|&_&|&#&& #
  | _  _  & & &|&#
  ||_||_||&|&&&|#  Fuck you, Osama, and fuck you 
  | _  _  _&/_     too, Bush.  THIS story is what 
  ||_||_||_|__     separates us from The Terrorists.
  | _  _  _ \       /
  ||_||_||_||\||  o
  | _  _  _  _ |  X
  | _  _  _  _ |      I regret nothing!
  ||_||_||_||_||  \o/ 
  | _  _  _  _ |  (_)

I like the ASCII person falling (3.00 / 6) (#65)
by godix on Wed May 12, 2004 at 03:03:15 AM EST

What a fatass. Nice touch.

Thank god I'm worth more than SilentChris

[ Parent ]
Why the fuck (1.80 / 25) (#45)
by ant0n on Tue May 11, 2004 at 08:50:46 AM EST

is this story getting voted up? I just don't get it how anyone with more than two brain cells can find this funny. If Tragedy + Time = Humor, like someone said in a comment, then what's next? Choose your own adventure: Escape from Auschwitz?

-- Does the shortest thing the tallest pyramid's support supports support anything green?
Patrick H. Winston, Artificial Intelligence
Now you've done it. (2.25 / 8) (#46)
by Ta bu shi da yu on Tue May 11, 2004 at 09:07:53 AM EST

Stop encouraging him!

AdTIה"the think tank that didn't".
[ Parent ]
Now you're talking [nt] (2.22 / 9) (#49)
by smg on Tue May 11, 2004 at 10:30:22 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Indeed, we really need to think of the children. (2.76 / 13) (#50)
by anticlimax on Tue May 11, 2004 at 10:32:57 AM EST

[ Parent ]
we did (2.81 / 11) (#67)
by Viliam Bur on Wed May 12, 2004 at 08:40:10 AM EST

Thai children are mentioned in the article

[ Parent ]
I have to agree (2.45 / 11) (#57)
by phred on Tue May 11, 2004 at 04:42:18 PM EST

for instance, somehow somebody got a design submitted for the new WTC memorial thing whatever, and what got me was that as part of the design, it had a giant bullseye painted on about two thirds of the way up the tower. Fortunately, they caught it before it was displayed in the competition.

[ Parent ]
Escape from Auschwitz! (2.80 / 5) (#70)
by Kax on Wed May 12, 2004 at 01:14:10 PM EST

* Kax furiously starts writing.

[ Parent ]
Time? (1.33 / 3) (#99)
by QuantumG on Fri May 14, 2004 at 08:48:04 PM EST

Us Australians were making jokes about the WTC on Sep 12, 2001. For example:

Q: Do you know what music was playing in the elevator at the WTC?
A: [sing] It's rainin' men, halalua, it's rainin' men, yeah yeah yeah!

This choose your own adventure is spot on. We all hated those assholes in the WTC (except the people who loved them, but hey, they'd be upset where-ever their dead loved-ones had worked) and when we get a chance to say "about fucking time" we do. One can only wish that they had dropped one of those planes into a lawyer convention.

Gun fire is the sound of freedom.
[ Parent ]

interesting anti-troll beehive? (2.66 / 15) (#48)
by zenofchai on Tue May 11, 2004 at 09:46:35 AM EST

perhaps the author's account is now under rusty's control, he posted this story, and everybody who voted it 'FP' he's going to ban?
as gold which he cannot spend will make no man rich,
so knowledge which he cannot apply will make no man wise.
Shouldn't that be "honeypot"? (none / 0) (#87)
by alby on Thu May 13, 2004 at 09:29:48 PM EST

Rather than beehive? =)

[ Parent ]

this story is a travesty (2.52 / 19) (#56)
by phred on Tue May 11, 2004 at 04:28:58 PM EST

in absolutely bad taste. This story could singlehandedly spell the end of k5.

(Just wanted to explain my +1 fp, thats all)

+1FP (2.82 / 28) (#63)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Tue May 11, 2004 at 11:12:07 PM EST

After the nearly 3 years of this exaggerated grief,  concern, and deification of the people who died in the WTC, I must say this article is very refreshing.  It seems I'm not alone in thinking that as many of the +1FP are coming from people you wouldn't expect.

I also think that if K5 really does die soon that this article would be a wonderful final front page header in all its snotty glory.  This article is so representive of K5.  It's a defiant satire disguised as immature, trollish ass-wanking.  It's everything the Husi crowd just couldn't understand.  It's everything we can't see on tv and everything we're afraid to say without the veil of anonymity.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour

Disappointment. (1.85 / 14) (#71)
by Korimyr the Rat on Wed May 12, 2004 at 02:52:48 PM EST

I'm rather disappointed that this was voted up.

I'm not stranger to callous jokes-- and I've told some brutal ones-- but the most important thing to remember when making an insensitive joke is to be funny... and this "article" isn't funny.

Combining the failure to make funny about a major tragedy with the disgusting, and yet, still trite and unfunny side jokes, makes this a truly loathesome piece of garbage.

At least it didn't make the front page.

"Specialization is for insects." Robert Heinlein
Founding Member of 'Retarded Monkeys Against the Restriction of Weapons Privileges'

It wasn't. (2.25 / 4) (#73)
by aphrael on Wed May 12, 2004 at 04:57:54 PM EST

It posted due to the autopost mechanism.

[ Parent ]
Pre-disposed to answer. (2.57 / 7) (#72)
by digimark on Wed May 12, 2004 at 03:41:53 PM EST

The opening paragraph of this "adventure" posits a "very" ethically/morally challenged person. Are we answering this parable as that person or as ourselves? I think the only fair path through is to assume the most selfish, self-serving and disrespectful to others response to each branch and follow that. I chose 2(3), 5, 6, and 8, which was the only path that resulted in this person being alive. Interesting. Every other path resulted in gruesome death.

Nah (none / 0) (#104)
by vectro on Wed May 19, 2004 at 09:41:18 AM EST

The selfish guy wouldn't push an obese man in order to save his dignity.

“The problem with that definition is just that it's bullshit.” -- localroger
[ Parent ]
Yawn... (2.50 / 6) (#75)
by boyde on Wed May 12, 2004 at 06:54:34 PM EST


Has kuro5hin become populated with the cast of Lord of the Flies, or is it just my imagination?

Rolling around in the muck is no way to get clean.

Yes. (2.57 / 7) (#81)
by Trollaxor on Wed May 12, 2004 at 09:38:23 PM EST

Rusty's [...] little dream has died.

[ Parent ]
sad (none / 1) (#82)
by bloodnose on Wed May 12, 2004 at 11:09:37 PM EST

[ Parent ]
It wasn't an accident. (none / 1) (#88)
by Qwaniton on Thu May 13, 2004 at 09:34:05 PM EST

He killed it himself.

I don't think, therefore I
[ Parent ]
LotF (none / 0) (#107)
by Coram on Sun May 23, 2004 at 09:23:08 AM EST

Kill the pig. Cut his throat. Spill his blood...

judo ergo sum
[ Parent ]
YaaaHooo! (2.60 / 10) (#76)
by gr3m on Wed May 12, 2004 at 07:07:39 PM EST

Great adventure! Now get cracking on a second one Perhaps taking role of the hijackers "You take your boxcutters out and kill the pilots" "You send 3000+ rich Americans to meet their maker" "You forget how to fly and crash your plane" "You stir up some right wing rednecks..." "You wave to the fighter pilot flying beside you" "Allah rolls you a fat joint while your virgin..." Oh crap i could go on forever...

You know, I'm not sure what's more pointless ... (2.37 / 8) (#77)
by pyramid termite on Wed May 12, 2004 at 07:16:47 PM EST

... what I read in the newspapers or what I read on much of the internet.

On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
Hey, thanks for the update, chief. (1.71 / 7) (#80)
by Hide The Hamster on Wed May 12, 2004 at 09:36:52 PM EST

Maybe you can tell us about your next fight with the little woman or how you found a lump on your testicle in the shower as well?

Free spirits are a liability.

August 8, 2004: "it certainly is" and I had engaged in a homosexual tryst.

[ Parent ]
Tsk (none / 3) (#98)
by pyramid termite on Fri May 14, 2004 at 06:57:32 PM EST

Maybe you can tell us about your next fight with the little woman or how you found a lump on your testicle in the shower as well?

I could, but people like you would have no frame of reference to relate to it, and you'd be bored.

On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
[ Parent ]
You know.... (2.50 / 14) (#85)
by sethadam1 on Thu May 13, 2004 at 11:08:07 AM EST

I'm generally an asshole.  I laugh at inappropriate things, I can be completely crude, I don't mind bad taste, and I rarely am offended.  But this piece bothers me.  

Firstly, it's not funny.  Not in an "I'm offended" way, in a it's just not very funny piece.  Like a bad joke.  I'm just neutral - not laughing.  

Secondly, it's aimed at tastelessness.  It's not bad enough to bother me, but it's effortful.  Like someone sat around trying to piss others off.  I'm picturing the same 15 year olds who post "BSD is Dying" on Slashdot.  

Frankly, K5's rapid decline is only proven further by the fact that people voted this up.  It's not that there isn't a good point to make about the unwavering seriousness of the WTC attacks and the wave of nationalism that brands anyone who disagress with the current war on terror unpatriotic, it's that this story sucks.  

I will add that the choose your own adventure thing is completely cool though.

You fucking pansy. (2.60 / 5) (#93)
by flaw on Fri May 14, 2004 at 06:30:59 AM EST

More inappropriate Choose-Your-Adventure articles on K5 please.

ピニス, ピニス, everyone loves ピニス!
[ Parent ]
RE: You fucking pansy (none / 2) (#96)
by sethadam1 on Fri May 14, 2004 at 04:22:37 PM EST

Extra! Extra!  Read all about it! See parent for the reason why K5 sucks now! Extra!

[ Parent ]
K5 sucks? (none / 1) (#100)
by flaw on Sat May 15, 2004 at 04:59:54 AM EST

News to me.

ピニス, ピニス, everyone loves ピニス!
[ Parent ]
You are a dork and a hypocrite. (2.14 / 7) (#94)
by Kax on Fri May 14, 2004 at 10:02:21 AM EST

You can't have it both ways- "I'm generally an asshole.  I laugh at inappropriate things, I can be completely crude, I don't mind bad taste, and I rarely am offended.. except when I'm offended"

In other words, I am fairly sure we could dig up some other subject matter that could be injected into this story in the same format with the same level of wit that would bring a smile to your face.

Taking the "high road" (if you want to call it that) doesn't make you any less of a dork.

[ Parent ]

I'm laughing at you. (none / 2) (#95)
by sethadam1 on Fri May 14, 2004 at 04:19:36 PM EST

Are you thick or something? I said I'm NOT offended, you numbskull.  It's just not funny.  In fact, it's so obviously tried.  

Furthermore, I don't see how this is "taking the high road."  You're an annoying twit.  Piss off.

[ Parent ]

You've missed the point. (none / 0) (#102)
by Kax on Mon May 17, 2004 at 08:56:47 AM EST

If the subject matter had been different, but the device was the same, you would have found it amusing, or even at the very least not something to choke out a 'I'm too good for this' (read: high road) rant.

[ Parent ]
k5 is dead. (1.50 / 4) (#97)
by xs euriah on Fri May 14, 2004 at 05:58:03 PM EST

This junior high enterprise is a glaring example of the detritus this community has become.

Defenestrating the servers that house kuro5hin.org is possibly the only positive choice remaining.

I got a laugh or two (1.66 / 3) (#101)
by scarabic on Sun May 16, 2004 at 09:19:33 PM EST

But then, I'm an evil, twisted fuck.

aw, hell (none / 1) (#103)
by codejack on Tue May 18, 2004 at 10:31:43 AM EST

I'll never be able to read another one of those things again.

Please read before posting.

It's a screenplay... (none / 1) (#106)
by Baldrson on Fri May 21, 2004 at 01:48:40 PM EST

All you have to do to sell this screenplay in Hollywood is change the time to the 1950s when WASPs still thought they ruled the world, and then torment some WASP male character. In fact, its already a well-proven genre.

-------- Empty the Cities --------

More choose your own adventures, plz (none / 1) (#108)
by slashdot refugee on Mon Aug 30, 2004 at 10:09:54 AM EST

I thought this was ok.. I like the format, though I didn't enjoy taking on the persona of a complete arsehole. Final thoughts from a slashdot refugee: I might make my own Choose your own adventure format fiction piece. Looks like fun.

I just had to hurt myself, eh? (none / 1) (#109)
by Pkchukiss on Sat Sep 04, 2004 at 08:02:10 AM EST

After reading all the different scenarios, I realised that there is nothing to complete the adventure without landing in the hospital or dying.

Geez, I was hoping that some fireman would rescue me, or that I found a parachute...

Ignorant no more
My blog

I'm an author (none / 1) (#110)
by Oe on Thu Nov 18, 2004 at 06:46:21 AM EST

And I'm amazed. Excuse this my language, all, as English is not my mother tongue. This is my first site visit. I googled the world with a standard "Fucking Tired" search, escaping all the porn and finding a lot of depression. Now I know that a good portion of the English-speaking population of the World is tired of working, tired of studying, tired of listening to other people whineing about how fucking tired they are .. et cetera ... now, I'm not feeling tired anymore ... thanx ...

Choose Your Own Adventure: WTC | 110 comments (62 topical, 48 editorial, 1 hidden)
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