I got up this morning and I brushed my teeth. Seven times. Tooth cleanliness is key. I flossed only once. On the way out to the kitchen I said my usual hello to my porcelain Siamese cat, Charley. He is always there to greet me in the morning. Better pick out a nice hat for tonight, I reminded him.
Breakfast is an omelet with the whites from three eggs, 2 radishes, and half a slice of wheat toast smeared with orange blossom honey. I prefer orange blossom as clover honey is just so pedestrian.
Then it's off to work. I like to walk even though it's seven miles. That's why I leave three hours early. To save time, I don't clean out my ears until I'm well into the walk. Usually I wear my nike cross training running shoes. I think they are the best. Not for style, but for comfort. Whatever they are doing in Malaysia to make shoes comfortable, it sure works. I carry a duffel bag with the rest of my day's necessities inside.
Exactly 3.5 miles into the trip I unzip my bag a few inches. I know I am 3.5 miles in because I pass my favorite yarn store. Some day I am going to take up knitting, I just know it. I reach in to my duffel and find the paper sack that contains my curry filled donut. I get them from a Malaysian grocery store once a week.
At the 4 mile mark, passing my second favorite yarn store, I take my first bite. Splendid! I just don't understand anyone who doesn't like curry. Precisely 17 bites later (chewed 22 times each) I am at mile 6 and ready for a refreshing drink.
That's when I stop at the juicer. He makes me a special blend of wheat-grass and crabgrass with a couple of apple chunks and carrot and tomato blended in. That helps even out my system after the donut. I could just drink water and not eat the donuts, but I love 'em too much.
The juice lasts me all the way to work. I put the plastic cup in the trash can on the left side of the door instead of the right because it seems more sensible. Most people are right handed and therefore they probably use the trashcan on the right side of the doors. Then I say hello to Murray, our security guard and ask him how his weekend was if it's Tuesday. If it's Thursday, I ask him what he'll do over the weekend coming up. On Wednesdays, I just say, 'Nother hump day, huh Murry?' and on Mondays and Fridays, I ignore him completely. I like to keep people guessing.
I time my arrival so that I can ride the elevator with Jane. She is so dreamy. However, today she is late. I know she hasn't been in the elevator this morning, because there is no trace of her scent. I live for her perfume.
Upstairs I take my seat on the line. I am one of the best at my craft, but I don't like to brag. Derrick walks over and chucks me on the left shoulder. I hate Derrick. My satisfaction comes from the knowledge that he still has no idea that it is me that keeps putting dust mites in his coffee mug.
Of course, part of the problem I have with Derrick is that I saw him talking to Jane at lunch last week. I hated him before that, but now I really hate him. He touched her right shoulder. I'm thinking about stealing his car. Then I'll leave it at the quarry. That would be funny. Maybe I'll put some porn mags in their too.
And Jane is so going to go out with me when she hears about that. She already sort of likes me I think. Last time we shared the elevator, she said I was interesting. I think she meant that in a general way, even though I was telling her about my idea for escargot cereal.
Before I know it my miniature red sparrow coo-coo clock signals that it is time for my first break of the day. Jane still has not come in. As I walk over to the employee break room I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with Friday. I saw her talking to Mr. Makstumpy in his office, and she looked upset. She kept pointing through the window at something past me. I'm pretty sure she was upset about the water. The water cooler was right behind me, and I have often remarked to Jane about how someone keeps putting dust mites in it.
In the break room I reach behind the microwave and retrieve my hidden copy of Bubble Stumps. It is my favorite book. I hide it there so Derrick won't find it.
One of these days, I am going to take him out. And not the way I'm going to take Jane out either. She, I'm going to take on a date to the Golf Palace, where we will eat funnel cake and hold hands while we stroll around the greens. Then I'll bump the shit out of her on the bumper cars. Derrick, on the other hand, is going to get a swift kick in the face of reality when he wakes up with mouse heads in his bed.
I have discussed the plan a few times with Charley, but he isn't on board yet. Of course, he is like that. I am hoping I can sway him tonight at our Hat Party,
Everyone is going to show up in a hat. I hope Jane comes, but she doesn't know it's a hat party, so maybe I'll be the one that gives her an extra hat to wear at the party. We're also going to have cheap beer, punch, pie, and cranberry cake. If we have any shrimp cocktail, I'm going to save a few shrimps in a napkin and put them under Derrick's chair tomorrow. That way, I can get them on my mid morning break and have a tasty snack, and Derrick with be my unknowing snack keeper. I love making him do things for me behind his back.
Sometimes I sneak up behind Jane and lick her hair. It tastes like honey dew sometimes. Usually, she'll turn around and says, "Hey, did you just try to LICK me?!" but I just play it off. She likes to make me laugh with the faces she makes. She frowns and gets a disgusted look on her face a lot. I think that's because she knows I think she looks the cutest when she does that. At night, after she leaves, I also lick her chair. Sometimes I can taste her smell.
Once Derrick caught me under Jane's desk. I said I was looking for my contact. He offered to help, and that just proves he is a fool. I don't even wear contacts! I was down there collecting dust mites. I have a jar at home full of dust mites from the carpet under Jane's desk. The thing about dust mites is that they are everywhere anyway. But they are unique and different. Each one.
So anyway, I sit down in my favorite chair and turn to page 36. I always start on page 36. That is where the Bubbles come in. Bubble Stumps is the story of two brothers, born without any arms below the elbow. They have a simple dream: to one day blow giant bubbles. Of course they have a hard time holding bubble wands, having no hands. The book is really about their journey.
I can relate to it in many ways. First of all, triumph over adversity is sort of a theme in my life. For example with Jane, she is a very attractive woman and a lot of people think I'm a freak. Of course, Derrick is the real freak. That guy drinks dust mites in his coffee every day. And me, well, eight months ago I could have never dreamed that by now I would have licked Jane's hair four times already.
When I hit page 72, I know that my break is over, and I stash BS back behind the microwave, safe from Derrick. Leaving the employee room, I hear the dust mites in the water cooler snicker as I pass by. They must be snickering at Tom. He sits right across from the water cooler, and quite frankly, his bald head is pretty funny.
I'm sometimes tempted to slap the top of his head as I walk by. Temptation is one thing, but goading is another and that's what the dust mites do to me. Usually, I have to leave work early if it gets to be too much. Either that, or sometime I take down my pants in the men's room and sit right on the bowl with the seat up. I find the rushing water very calming.
When I'm finished with that, I clean up and head back to work. The rest of the day is generally spent looking busy and looking at Jane. Occasionally Derrick will come by and cast disapproving glances at me. But then I remember that he's drinking dust mites. I try to finish up work and get out to the parking lot ahead of Jane so I can check her tire pressure before she leaves for the day.
I would really like to do that today, except that she hasn't come in. I am thinking maybe I should call her, to make sure she is ok. I don't have her number, but I think I might be able to guess it. Nope, just some angry lady with a thick accent who swears she knows nothing about Jane. Oh well, Red Sparrow says it is time for my after noon break, and that means I am in for a treat.
I know it sounds weird, but I like dog treats. I don't eat a lot of them, just one a day around 3:30pm when most of the other people are smoking cigarettes. I wonder where Jane is today. There's got to be a way of finding out that doesn't involve guessing her phone number. Maybe I'll just wait on her chair for her to come back in to work.
Of course, that does mess up my plans for tonight.
I know Charley is very much looking forward to the Hat Party. His little porcelain grin said something special today as I left. I'm am sure he has picked out a nice hat by now, and will be very disappointed if I can't make it.
As for my hat, well I know it's got to be something different. Last year I wore a fez and everyone liked it, but this year I want to do something even better. I'm thinking of maybe robin hood hat but I need to find the right feather to make that really work. Of course, by every one, I mean me, Charley, the dust mites, and my obnoxious lesbian neighbor Josey.
Josey's hair looks like a hat, so she didn't wear one. She got drunk and tried to make out with the stereo, but it shocked her. I hope something that fun happens again. We can probably make it happen if we put on some KD Lang, but I know Charley hates her music.
Charley also hates Josey, but he feels bad that she has no one else to party with. I tried once to tell Josey about Jane, but she just kept asking me if I had any beer or schnaps.
This Jane thing is really bugging me. I may just have to ask Mr. Mak if he knows what is going on.
I tried for several minutes to determine if Jane called in sick, but standing by Mr. Mak's secretary and waiting for her to slip up proved fruitless.
A good bet might be to just swing by Jane's house after work. Of course, that means I'd have to take the bus to the train station and then walk for a while, but I think it might be worth it. The hat party will be so much better if I can get Jane to come with me.
Damn it. I keep forgetting that I don't know where Jane lives. I once asked her for her address to send her a Christmas card, but she said she would much rather me bring it to her in person. I really think she likes me. It is only a couple of hours until work is over. There is still the chance that she will come in. Wait a second. Why is Derrick heading over to her desk...
Looks like he needs to borrow a pen. No wait, he's writing something on her notepad. Oh no. He just caught me watching him. I'll just smile to cover. Now he is smiling back at me. Still writing. Why did he wink at me as he walked off. I'll just have to steal the pad and rub a pencil on it to see what he wrote. Just as soon as he is out of sight.
He must have written really lightly on the pad because I can't really tell what it says. Looks like he wrote, "Seey our sass to nigh," but that doesn't make sense.
There must be something to it. A quick flip through my Gaelic to English dictionary suggests me might be asking her about the suitability of her worms for flying. That doesn't make sense. I mean, why would she want to go fly fishing with Derrick. I am sure she doesn't like him. I am even more sure that she doesn't speak Gaelic. The last time I told her "Go n-ithe an cat thu" she just looked puzzled and sighed.
Now I'm going to have to go to her house later and ask her why Derrick is asking her to go fly fishing in Gaelic. That's just messed up. He's probably going to leave the note at her place after work, so I'll just follow him there, then I'll get all the answers I need.
(Please note: I have no idea...)