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By mfeltman in Fiction
Thu Jun 23, 2005 at 06:42:03 AM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)

"It is somewhat ironic," lectured the broccoli, "that I should be the source of your revelation. Wouldn't you think it should be the other way `round?"

"I do apologize," apologized Bartholomew, "for the situation in which we now find ourselves. I do feel terribly about the whole thing." Bartholomew spoke carefully, his mouth being half-full of broccoli at the time.

"And why are you sorry?" asked the broccoli, "it is for this purpose that I was given existence. It is a terrible, cruel existence, true, but it is my birthright. Would you deny it me?"

"Only to offer you a better."

"It is not yours to offer, would you defy your Creator?"

Bartholomew slumped. That is to say, his shoulders slumped. Very shortly after, he followed suit. "No. I would not. Rather I would deify Him."

"Of course, as is proper. By definition one who has created you--one who has given to you your very existence--is a deity," chided the broccoli.

"Not so," argued Bartholomew, "by definition, `deity' is the essential nature or condition of being a god. A god need not necessarily create, some may destroy, and some may do nothing but exert their petty influences upon this cruel universe in which we find ourselves trapped."

"Or another," offered the broccoli.

"What's that?" queried Bartholomew.

"Or another universe," repeated the broccoli. "Unless you are so arrogant to think that only our own universe has any gods."

"I'm not qualified to say whether there are any other universes at all," said Bartholomew sadly.

"Of course you aren't," agreed the broccoli, "but it would be arrogant, don't you think, to believe that ours is the only one?"

"I suppose that's true," mused Bartholomew. "Oh... excuse me," he said, having accidentally spat a bit of the broccoli as he spoke with his mouth half full. By now the portion of broccoli remaining in his mouth was quite well processed, and he swallowed.

"Not at all," said the broccoli, "that portion of me which has now begun to nourish you is quite incapable of being aware of its fate. You have committed no crime to be pardoned of."

"Pardon?" asked Bartholomew, "oh no, you mistake me. I meant to attempt conciliation for the spitting, not the swallowing."

"I see," replied the broccoli. "I feel that I must interject here, that I have enjoyed our conversation so far, but it is an inescapable fact that once you have finished consuming me, you will have no more of me left to talk to."

"Until the next meal," agreed Bartholomew sadly. "So then, I will put down my fork. Let us talk."

"Blasphemy!" exclaimed the broccoli.

"Please?" pleaded Bartholomew. He set his fork down on the table, careful to rest it on his plate and not on the fine white linen tablecloth.

"It isn't proper," insisted the broccoli.

"But still I find the entire exchange very edifying," begged Bartholomew.

"It is somewhat ironic," lectured the broccoli, "that I should be the source of your revelation. Wouldn't you think it should be the other way `round?"

"I suppose that's true," answered Bartholomew, "still, let's continue?"

The broccoli sighed heavily, exhaling a great quantity of air in doing so. Bartholomew was too intent on the existential matters at hand to consider the ramifications of this seemingly innocuous action by brassica olearacea. "It is folly," began the broccoli, "for your consumption of me to provoke in you any feelings of remorse. It is written:

"And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

"And so it has been ordained by God, whose status as deity you have recognized, that I am here for your consumption. I am fodder for the insatiable hunger you have been damned with. It is ironic that you pity me, for I pity you. I have no hunger."

"Nor any joy," countered Bartholomew.

"I have my own sort of joy," lied the broccoli, "I take joy in fulfilling my purpose, which is to be fodder for men damned to this universe that you call cruel."

"Damned? Then you agree that the universe is cruel," declared Bartholomew, triumphant.

"I am not qualified to say that it is or is not," evaded the broccoli, "I'm only a side dish."


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Display: Sort:
Broccoli | 45 comments (17 topical, 28 editorial, 0 hidden)
That was absolutely terrible (1.20 / 5) (#11)
by morewhine on Tue Jun 21, 2005 at 08:21:54 PM EST

Sorry, it's worthless, -1.

Your /nick is so apropos [nt] (none / 0) (#38)
by esrever on Thu Jun 23, 2005 at 09:53:11 PM EST

Audit NTFS permissions on Windows
[ Parent ]
Thus lied the broccoli (3.00 / 3) (#13)
by SaintPort on Tue Jun 21, 2005 at 10:48:59 PM EST

pure genious! I found the entire exchange very edifying.

A screen play, must become, this.

the whole of it reminded me of a mental exercise I used to make of mealtime. You see I used to be a bit more... shall we say... existentialist. Anyway, I would think to myself...

If God is in all matter, then all matter surrendered unto my use is a sacrifice. Yes, every meal is a reminder of His sacrifice, a communion.

This salad. Did it suffer in its harvest? I hope not, yet the Lord did suffer so that I might be nurished by the Bread of Life.

And so, Lord, thank you for all sacrifice made for my edification, may I grow in the way of the Your pruning.

Thank you for your submission. May you be encouraged.


Search the Scriptures
Start with some cheap grace...Got Life?

You're not exactly DRH (3.00 / 2) (#25)
by curien on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 07:36:07 AM EST

but not bad nonetheless. I think you missed an opportunity for wit with the broccoli's breath. I was expecting him to sigh heavily, exhaling not at all, as broccoli are wont to do.

We are not the same. I'm an American, and you're a sick asshole.
+1 section (2.00 / 2) (#27)
by HollyHopDrive on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 10:33:53 AM EST

It's false-smart and I didn't like it. But that's no reason to vote against something creative. I'd prefer it to get its coverage so everyone can decide what they think of it.

I make too much sense to be on the Internet.

These are the kind of conversations I like... (none / 0) (#28)
by Niha on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 11:35:52 AM EST

basically pointless nonsense (2.40 / 5) (#29)
by boboli fresh on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 01:44:48 PM EST

...written with awkward grammar and word choice to give a literary air to the story; example, the author refuses to use the verb 'to say', instead resorting to 'declare' and 'evade' and everything else the microsoft word thesaurus offered.  i didn't sense a plot arc, nor did i comprehend the main character's 'revelation' by the end.  it seems that the author had the idea, 'what if a broccoli could talk', and without realizing that a silly premise does not a story make, quickly jotted down some dialogue that he thought was funny.

"Kaycee, you don't need this negativity in your life."
hmmmm (1.50 / 2) (#30)
by mfeltman on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 02:18:41 PM EST

I see the word "said" in there quite a bit, actually. I used other verbs where they were warranted/appropriate. As for a silly premise not making a story: sure it does.


[ Parent ]
said is used twice, but (none / 1) (#32)
by boboli fresh on Wed Jun 22, 2005 at 03:16:25 PM EST

how i should have said it is, you tag nearly every line of dialogue, and always with a different verb, which is distracting.  when there's only two characters, you can tell who's talking most of the time without the he said/she said, and if you can't, characterization's lacking.

"Kaycee, you don't need this negativity in your life."
[ Parent ]
oh and by the way, sweetheart (none / 1) (#39)
by mfeltman on Thu Jun 23, 2005 at 11:29:00 PM EST

I don't use a thesaurus.


[ Parent ]
Perhaps you should do (none / 1) (#41)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Jun 24, 2005 at 07:42:47 AM EST

I thought a lot of the word choices were clumsy or repetitive. There's nothing wrong with using a thesaurus, any more than there is using a dictionary for a word you don't know how to spell.

I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

The broccoli spoke to say (none / 0) (#43)
by BorisMcHack on Sat Jul 02, 2005 at 06:15:34 PM EST

"Nothing wrong with that."

[ Parent ]
Reminds me of a Cult of the Dead Cow T-File (none / 0) (#37)
by nanobug on Thu Jun 23, 2005 at 06:16:07 PM EST

Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?

guess it's why they broke and you're so paid (2.33 / 3) (#40)
by klem on Thu Jun 23, 2005 at 11:53:40 PM EST

absurd (none / 0) (#42)
by parqbench on Fri Jun 24, 2005 at 12:36:53 PM EST

but that's good. i grinned in a knowing way reading it. i don't think it's putting on airs, it's just being crudely absurd. the psuedo-religious aspect is queer, but not necessarily bad. i'm indifferent, i suppose.

Me like Broccoli (none / 0) (#44)
by Filip on Mon Jul 04, 2005 at 07:03:32 AM EST

as well as this dialouge (iow I like both).

-- I'm just a figment of your imagination.
I support (none / 0) (#45)
by fsjackyli on Tue Sep 06, 2005 at 06:27:10 AM EST

I support!

Broccoli | 45 comments (17 topical, 28 editorial, 0 hidden)
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