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"You need to be punished for your actions. What you have done is beyond the pale. Although our Bible strictly forbids it, you will be reincarnated in your choice of one of three terrible, awful, disgusting lifestyles. In one life, you are forced to hurt the innocence of others. In the other life, you are hurt and tortured. In the last life, you are a worthless sack of shit."

"Please no," you mutter, shocked. "Can't you just send me to hell?"

"Hell would not be a sufficient punishment for you." He coldly pauses for a moment and says in a deep voice, "Now choose."

Click here to choose to be a child molester.
Click here to choose to be a Jew in Auschwitz.
Click here to choose to be Hulver.









































You choose to be a child molester. You are a hunter, a horny man on the prowl. But the question is: where do you go to molest children? The library and the schoolyard have always been good choices. Plus the library has hundreds of other child molesters as well as transients visiting there, on a daily basis. So you might meet one of your buddies.

Click here to go to the schoolyard
Click here to go to the library.









































You go to the schoolyard. There is a large group of dipshits playing basketball. You see a 10 year old boy close to the car. You decide that he is your target.

You have some candy that you can offer him. But it might be better just to give him one solid blow with a tire iron, knock him out, drag him to your car and get him back to your house.

Click here to offer him candy.
Click here to beat the shit out of him and then drive him back to your house.









































You go to the library and start downloading porno. One of the librarians catches you before you ever get to scope out a kid! She wants you to leave the library.

Click here to tell the librarian to shut the fuck up.
Click here to slap the bitch silly.
Click here to leave and go to the schoolyard.









































"Hey little boy, I have some chocolates right here. Come on in the car and I'll give you all the candy you want."

"Okay," the dumbass responds. He is in your car and you start to drive away. He starts to cry so you slap him across the face and tell him to shut the fuck up.

The drugs you laced the candy with start to kick in as the kid calms down, and eventually dozes off into a depp slumber. Suddenly, he starts foaming from the mouth and coughing up blood. You must have put too much of the drug in the candy.

You dump the body off the side of a rural highway and make your way to Mexico. Child molestation is a lot more acceptable there; you should have an easier life.

The End.









































You get out of the car, grab the tire iron, and walk up behind him, quickly but quietly. You give him a firm hit to the head. He goes down and starts bleeding profusely.

Its pretty obvious that you killed him. All of the kids playing basketball stopped the game and started watching you. They must have heard all the noise you made.

Click here to run like hell.
Click here to take the body and try to escape.









































You grab the tire iron and throw it in the trunk, and rush away from the scene. Most of the kids are either yelling or crying.

You arrive back at your house hours later. You are resting, watching TV, and having a beer when there's a knock on the door. Its the cops.

They illegally enter the property and start to beat the shit out of you with their batons. You fade in and out of consciousness when they finally stop, and one grabs you by the neck and tells you that you better confess to killing the boy, or he will kill you.

Click here to confess to the crime.
Click here to deny.









































You grab the body and throw it in the trunk, and rush away from the scene. Most of the kids playing basketball are either yelling or crying. They must have heard all the noise you made when you knocked the kid senseless.

You arrive back at your house hours later. You are resting, watching TV, and having a beer when there's a knock on the door. Its the cops. Taking the body made it easier to identify you as the killer, dipshit. The cops are so disgusted with you that one raises a gun to your head and kills you, execution-style.

The End.









































You are indicted, arraigned, convicted, and sentenced to 100 years in prison. Your cellmate is a large black man who routinely assrapes you and treats you sadisticly. You wish you were dead. Your life is worse than any hell.

You finally decide to chew out your wrists and bleed to death. But one of the guards catches you, beats you, and puts you in the psycho ward. At least the raping has stopped. For now, anyways.

The End.









































You deny firmly ever being near the scene of the school. They start searching your car and find the tire iron, still with blood on it. You forgot to clean it. One of the cop reels around and breaks your neck. You die instantly.

The End.









































You turn around and put the cunt in her place. She calls security over and they forcibly remove you.

Click here to go to the schoolyard.









































You slap the shit out of the stupid bitch and go back to the gay porno. You now have a semi and you'll be pretty ready to get your groove on.

Unfortunately, the stupid bitch called the police and she filed a charge against you. With the videotape from the library's security camera's as well as you being a sexual deviant coming out in court, you are pretty much sunk.

Click here to continue.










































You choose to be a worthless sack of shit: Hulver.

It is time for bed, but first you must exhaustively scan your website's new diaries for any hint of trolling, crapflooding, or other such malfeasance. Be sure to read the diaries carefully and slowly.

Posted by Trip

Okay, personal time. I've had some issues with the inside of my head, and they largely relate to the way I concentrate: I never stop, not for a moment.

Intense, huh? Well, I discovered (years ago) that aspartame makes it difficult (for me) to concentrate. I hadn't appreciated the discomfort that concentration can cause at inappropriate times until recently... so I couldn't stand aspartame at all. (Or opiates: same effect on concentration. Very uncomfortable.)

Lately I've been a bit agitated and noticed an inability to get things off my mind... things I don't need to be thinking about (ever get obsessed over a mundane, boring detail?) So I had a glass of diet cola. I was immediately (!) unable to concentrate. I'd get a thought, begin to act on it, and by the time I met proximity requirements, I'd forget it entirely. Why am I here? With effort I could recall it, but the next day things were at a better level, a middle-ground... only things I wanted on my mind would remain, and they would remain without effort.

What's (really) bad about aspartame? Everything bad that I've read has been carefully, and 'officially' rebutted, which makes me very suspicious. I believe it's more neuro-active (is that the right term?) than the press it gets... it gets me downright stoned.

I have paid a lot of attention to the (apparent) nature of anxiety and obsession, and it occurs to me that the circuit propagates to consciousness (forgive the mixing of term types here) and is then rewarded top-down, which causes a disorder over time. Aspartame seems to cut it off near the top. I find that (according to theory) my issue is that once it gets so far, it's forced into the very top level (consciousness), and can't be easily inhibited (as a phenomenon) the way it should be.

I don't think aspartame addresses this at the root of the issue, which probably has to do with the amount of energy (for lack of a better term) the signal is generated with (at, or closer to the bottom.) But I do think aspartame helps prevent it from getting worse by inhibiting the top-level reward system in the circuit. It also has the effect of addressing the top-level (i.e. manifest) symptoms.

I do wonder how well this theory checks out. I understand that when you get down to the circuitry of anxiety, neurologists often get distracted by the amygdala (the bottom) and have a hard time incorperating the holism that their profession requires - i.e. 'what does the top of the chain have to do with the bottom?' is an oft-neglected question (WRT the material with which I'm familiar.)

So am I making sense, or far too many assumptions?

Click here to delete the diary
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary.

Posted by tps12

1 bag tea
1 c water
sugar and milk or lemon

Bring water to boil. Add tea and simmer until brown and fragrant. Add sugar and milk or lemon to taste. Garnish with doily and serve piping hot.

Serves 2.

Click here to delete the diary.
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary.

Posted by Squigs

My parents wish to know what I want.

Apart from more space to store all my crap, I have no idea.

Six feet under

I don't want anything that costs less than 300. Ah well. I sent a generic list of suggestions of books and DVDs.

Really need to work out what to do that day too. I have a day off because there's no way I'm going to work on my birthday, but I haven't a clue what to do with that day off. Most people - rather rudely - have jobs.

Batterseas Arts Centre sent a request to their email list (which I'm on 'cos I did theatre workshops there) a request for face dancers. I have no friggen idea what they are, so I googled it. I think I'll turn them down.

The media seems to be out for blood after that brazillian guy was shot. I still have no idea why they thought the guy was middle eastern though. I'd have thought most Londoners can tell the difference between Asian and Iberian. Also bizarre that the police missed 3 times at point blank range. Bet they find a scapegoat.

Six Feet Under seemed a lot more depressing than last season. It's always been pretty dark, but usually there's some decent chuckles as well. Only laughed once this time. Maybe it will pickj up or maybe I just wasn't in the mood.

Click here to delete the diary.
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary.

Posted by Merekat

Cost of flight - ?0.25
Cost of taxes and charges - ?22.05
LHuSi pints - priceless

So I'll be over in London for a lightning visit after all. It is a long way to go for a pint so that pub better have cider.

4th day of no coffee, alcohol, refined sugar, wheat, milk, cheese or red meat. I'm beginning to experience an odd thing. I think it is called energy. That and I'm bloody starving. Roll on day seven. Then I'll probably blow away the record with an espresso breakfast, a baked camembert with crusty white bread, a glass of red wine and a chocolate mousse. Yeah:) IMO that is the only point in this detoxing lark - to make you appreciate what you missed.

Weather wet, lawn increasingly longer. I think you could probably watch it grow. Oh well. Hopefully the house will still be visible from behind the thistley grass plains by the time I get around to cutting it. I don't think it grew this much in an entire year of neglect:(

Click here to delete the diary.
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary.

Posted by Herring

And welcome to Thursday.

So, yeah it is one month's notice. There's fun. I wonder if it's possible to read the whole intarweb in that time.

Finished reading Cloud Atlas. Quite entertaining. I think I'll have to re-read to get more out of it.

Nearly good satire but probably been done before. Who needs satire anyway?

My brother has a business idea which involves intarweb technology. I really ought to read his documents. A quick skim makes it look like it's worth a try.

I am more popular than Billie Piper- which is unexpected. And what have people got against XTC?

Something for the guitar fans.

Good god, I'm bored.

Click here to delete the diary.
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action and move on to the next diary.

Posted by Bobdole

Pimm's -- hot or not --

The week that has been and is going to be summed up.

Eye surgery...

Lack of love life

I've just rediscovered Pimm's. For some reason I haven't had it for ages. But it's really great mixed with sprite... Hats of for mister Pimm...

Tomorrow I'm heading over to the Uni again, it hasn't actually started yet (starts on Monday) but I'm gonna see some old people for kicks and I've said yes to help some foreign-students getting started. I've been a foreign student myself once, and by George it reeks! At least I knew the language when I turned up, but still.

Had a minute row with the ex on Sunday, not being teh brightest and most elegant of gentlemen I kinda said things a bit more rough than necessary. Not cool that stuff ended that way, but I guess I'm through patching stuff up with her. It always ends in tears anyway. Kinda depressing in some ways, but it was a long time coming I guess. So my eating-habits it's getting back on track and I guess I'll sort myself out.

I do miss her however, loads. She's been a doll, she's taught me loads about myself and life. Bless her...

Dead shocked by Alice Pulley's new fangled-self. I'd always imagined him getting back together with C sooner or later...

Had some minor eye-surgery last week (cosmetic actually, removed a boil) and I can now attest that injecting stuff -- with a syringe -- into the eye SUCKS and more importantly I've discovered the reason why the pill is intended for women and not men. I did get an antibiotic -- a type which Google tells me that WHO frowns upon -- which was supposed to be dripped into the eye every other hour while you're awake. Sounds dead simple, after 5 days (essentially what should've been the whole period I was supposed to use it) I probably manage to drip the stuff approximately 6 times. This includes me forgetting it completely the last 2 days...

I even had the bottle in my pocket the whole time...

I gotta hand it to you girls, those of you that keep up, taking anything regularly (that isn't lifesaving) is over my head!

Munch munch, and now it seems like I'd have to get a new bag of baby carrots for tomorrow.

Click here to delete the diary.
Click here to move onto the next diary.
Click here to kill yourself.










































You take the appropriate action. There are no more new diaries left.

You go to bed, exhausted, but assured in knowing you will have to do it all again tomorrow.

The sun cruelly breaks the night sky and you awaken. Its time to read the diaries on your website again. You groan, cringe by knowing that they will all look the same. They always do. But you suck it up and type the URL into Internet Explorer....

Click here to start reading new diaries again.










































You simply cannot take it anymore. The relentless blabber, The stupidity. The fact that there are no trolls. You find your glock that you bought from the incident where RMS tried to molest you, point it at the temple of your head, and follow with the eternal embrace of silence.

THIS IS THE END. TO PLAY AGAIN, PLEASE HIT THE 'HOME' KEY.









































You are Eric Goldstein: inmate number 47733 in the Auschwitz Nazi concentration camp.

Your days are spent doing hard, manual labor and being beaten by guards. Occassionally you are given something to eat and drink.

You are perpetually hungry, thirsty and naked. You want to rush one of the guards, but you know you will be killed immediately if you do this.

You are hungry like you've never been hungry before in your life. You are trying to go to bed after an intense day of getting your ass beaten by guards, when you observe a 10 year old boy eating a loaf of bread.

Click here to beat the shit out of the kid and take his bread.
Click here to remain starving and go to sleep.











































You walk over to him and give him a good, firm kick to the head. He drops the bread immediately and starts to cry. Another kick in the face forces him to shut the fuck up.

Click here to continue.










































You try to forget you ever saw the food. You turn away and go to bed. Eventually you fall asleep in spite of your hunger and have a pleasant wet dream of fucking Natalee Holloway.

Click here to continue.










































You wake up the next day and the guards call a meeting.

"We have a very exciting opportunity for you," said one of the German guards, in piss-poor English.

"Wha... I can't go on... my family." An old Jew was having a break down. Two of the guards walked over, and, in a seemingly well-practiced motion, shot him in the head virtually simultaneously. He dies immediately.

The guards continued: "You get to go for a walk, outside of this camp. You will MARCH! But, those of you who need to take a shower first, raise your hand, and we will let you shower."

Click here to take a shower.
Click here to go on the death march.










































You opt to take a shower.

You walk in the showering room with about 20 to 30 other males. You are all naked, and you can't help but notice that virtually all of their penises are substantially bigger than yours.

You wait for the water to turn on, but nothing happens for 5 or 10 minutes.

The situation is getting tenuous. Finally, a guard comes in and informs you that the water will be flowing in minutes.

Suddenly, a coloured, oderful gas comes from the ceiling. It makes you choke and wease like nothing you've ever experienced.

Like all Jews, you have a superior understanding of physics. You solve the diffusion equation in your head for these boundary conditions, and find the spot where the gas will spread the latest.

Click here to go to the best spot in the shower.
Click here to try to kick out the door and break free.
:









































You are about to go on a death march.

You walk out of the camp - all at gunpoint - and continue walking for countless miles and hours.

You are not given any food nor any time to sleep.

This continues for an uncountably long time -- days, perhaps weeks. Finally, you are allowed to take a break.

You don't think you can take much more of this. You have a great desire to escape. When everyone else is sleeping, it now occurs to you that this might be an ideal time to run away.

Click here to try to run away.
Click here to stick with the death march.










































You slink down in the corner. Your fellow Jews are passing out and dying all around you. All you can do it hope for the best.

By some miracle, the gas shuts off! You and 2 other Jews are still leaving. The gas eventually dissipates through air vents and you can breathe again.

Unfortunately, ten Nazi guards come strolling through the door and shoot the three of you without any further thought. You die immediately.

The End.









































You attempt to kick out the door. You struggle and struggle. Oxygen is rapidly being depleted. You don't have much time...

You finally break the door open. It took more effort than you knew you had in you, but you did it. Unfortunately, virtually all of your other Jews are already dead from the toxic gas.

To your surprise, there are no guards waiting outside of the door. It appears that they seemed to assume everyone would die.

You find your fellow Jews lining up for the death March. Better this than death.

Click here to go on the death march.










































You attempt to run away. You get about 20 yards away when a Nazi guard stands up and orders you to stop.

Every other Jew is still asleep, getting some much-needed rest. Oblivious to what is happening, the Nazis ask you one last time to stop - you refuse, and are shot in the head.

You are killed immediately.

The End









































You decide to stick with the death march.

You continue to march and march for countless hours. At some time - and you aren't sure, because you are delusional - you are liberated.

Apparently, the United States kicked the German's asses, singlehandedly. They accomplished what no other European nation could do.

You go to America and excel in physics. Unfortunately for you, you are still a Jew. When you die, you meet with God in the front office of Heaven. There is no room for dissenters, he informs you. He produces Jesus Christ and accuses you of killing him.

You are banished to Hell for eternity.

As it turns out, Hell is much much worse than the Nazi concentration camp.

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o Click here to choose to be a child molester
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o Click here to go to the schoolyard
o Click here to go to the library
o Click here to offer him candy
o Click here to beat the shit out of him and then drive him back to your house
o Click here to tell the librarian to shut the fuck up
o Click here to slap the bitch silly
o Click here to leave and go to the schoolyard
o Click here to run like hell
o Click here to take the body and try to escape
o Click here to confess to the crime
o Click here to deny
o Click here to continue
o Click here to delete the diary
o Click here to move onto the next diary
o Click here to kill yourself
o Click here to delete the diary [2]
o Click here to move onto the next diary [2]
o Click here to delete the diary [3]
o Click here to move onto the next diary [3]
o Click here to delete the diary [4]
o Click here to move onto the next diary [4]
o Click here to delete the diary [5]
o Click here to move onto the next diary [5]
o Click here to delete the diary [6]
o Click here to move onto the next diary [6]
o Click here to start reading new diaries again.
o Click here to beat the shit out of the kid and take his bread.
o Click here to remain starving and go to sleep
o
o Click here to continue [2]
o Click here to take a shower
o Click here to go on the death march
o Click here to go to the best spot in the shower
o Click here to try to kick out the door and break free
o Click here to try to run away
o Click here to stick with the death march
o Also by My First K5 Account Ever


Display: Sort:
Choose Your Own Adventure: The Morbid Life | 138 comments (92 topical, 46 editorial, 0 hidden)
It's not the fact that you can conceive this shit (1.85 / 14) (#2)
by HollyHopDrive on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 11:16:24 AM EST

that disturbs me, it's the fact that you're prepared to put in so much damn effort into bringing it into being.

Sorry, but it just isn't clever or funny or original. -1.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.

The Above Comment Says Everything (3.00 / 8) (#10)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 01:03:49 PM EST

you need to know about Holly.

+1

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

I love holly, shes my girlfriend, (2.00 / 3) (#36)
by tweetsybefore on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 05:11:22 PM EST

we went out yesterday.

I'm racist and I hate niggers.
[ Parent ]
Stop stalking me, Grandpa (1.14 / 7) (#39)
by HollyHopDrive on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 06:48:54 PM EST

You get too worked up over it, and I don't want your pacemaker to blow on my account.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

plskthx. (3.00 / 3) (#104)
by Harvey Anderson on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 09:28:13 AM EST

Stop trying to be witty and get back to cooking and sucking dick, girl.

[ Parent ]
I will but (1.20 / 5) (#106)
by HollyHopDrive on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 10:08:22 AM EST

I need a little time on k5 so people like you can give me some hints on how to do it properly. I bow to superior knowledge born of experience.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

see above re: witty (3.00 / 4) (#107)
by Harvey Anderson on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 12:10:57 PM EST

That wasn't.  You may loosen your apron a bit if it's making you lightheaded.

[ Parent ]
Self-referencing your own posts? (1.00 / 3) (#108)
by HollyHopDrive on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 12:21:36 PM EST

Oh, dude, that's just pitiful. What are you, a fat loser or something?


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

hahahaha (3.00 / 2) (#109)
by Harvey Anderson on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 12:38:46 PM EST

EYEM RUBER YUOR GLOO!!@(*!(!

stop stop stop gay little british girl stop stop stop

[ Parent ]

But (3.00 / 4) (#110)
by Harvey Anderson on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 12:39:07 PM EST

we can still like, fuck, and shit.

[ Parent ]
No, I won't sleep with you. (1.00 / 3) (#115)
by HollyHopDrive on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 05:39:30 AM EST

Stop asking.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

I'm not asking you. (3.00 / 2) (#117)
by Harvey Anderson on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 09:23:08 AM EST

I'm telling you.

[ Parent ]
I defy your authority (1.00 / 3) (#118)
by HollyHopDrive on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 09:45:48 AM EST

because you're extremely stupid and unattractive.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Next on the HHD show... (3.00 / 2) (#119)
by Harvey Anderson on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 11:50:52 AM EST

The sky is not actually blue on clear days at noon.

[ Parent ]
What a devastating riposte. (1.50 / 2) (#120)
by HollyHopDrive on Wed Aug 24, 2005 at 11:09:10 AM EST

You hurt my feelings, you bitch.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

It's not about you. (none / 1) (#124)
by Russell Dovey on Wed Aug 31, 2005 at 09:49:06 AM EST

no text

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

It's not about you either (none / 1) (#131)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 10:30:11 AM EST

so piss off, you bosom.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

If I had a penny (2.50 / 6) (#21)
by shm on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 02:57:54 PM EST

I'd send it to you to buy a timy peice[1] of humour.[2]

[1] You heard me. Timy peice.

[2] I *do* know how to spell.

[ Parent ]

Your inability to resist (3.00 / 8) (#38)
by killmepleez on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 06:31:49 PM EST

linking to the source of your comment identifies you as approval needy and therefore not yet ready to be a real live troll. you might want to get in on the ground level and try zombie trolling first, then slowly claw your way to the top.

__
"I instantly realized that everything in my life that I thought was unfixable was totally fixable - except for having just jumped."
--from "J
[ Parent ]
Thank you thank you (3.00 / 3) (#48)
by shm on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 09:44:52 PM EST

This is most educational.

[ Parent ]
If I had a penny (3.00 / 3) (#40)
by HollyHopDrive on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 06:49:48 PM EST

I'd drop it off the Empire State Building, or whatever it is that's supposed to render falling pennies lethal, right on top of ya.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Go do your physics homework. (3.00 / 4) (#44)
by Ignore Amos on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 07:49:16 PM EST

Or at least read this.

Only the most thin-skulled infant would be likely to be killed by a penny dropped from 1250 feet.

And that explains why airplanes carry cargo on small boats floating in their cargo aquarium. - jmzero
[ Parent ]

All right then. (2.40 / 5) (#45)
by HollyHopDrive on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 07:54:31 PM EST

If I had a brick, I'd lob it at the sod. How's that?


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

PMS time again? (none / 1) (#75)
by shm on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 09:47:39 AM EST



[ Parent ]
You and I should be in sync by now (none / 1) (#103)
by HollyHopDrive on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 07:02:31 AM EST

since I've been on here for ages, so you tell me.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Always on PMS, eh? (none / 0) (#111)
by shm on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 01:17:58 PM EST

No wonder.

[ Parent ]
You're always on your period? (none / 1) (#116)
by HollyHopDrive on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 05:52:01 AM EST

You need to see a doctor. Or failing that, bleed until you shrivel and die. Nobody cares.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Aw, shucks, I love you too. (none / 0) (#126)
by shm on Wed Aug 31, 2005 at 02:04:24 PM EST

You *do* care enough to reply.

[ Parent ]
I'd really like to know (none / 0) (#130)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 10:29:25 AM EST

what your next one will be. Let's see. You know I'm a girl, so you pulled the menstruation joke. What will the next inane insult be?


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Insult? No no no (none / 0) (#133)
by shm on Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 10:49:32 PM EST

Just checking the theory that you have a compulsive need to have the last word.

[ Parent ]
That theory was started by (none / 0) (#134)
by HollyHopDrive on Sun Sep 11, 2005 at 03:38:06 PM EST

one or two people who were so pissed off themselves about not having it that they decided to try to project their own inadequacies on me, conveniently ignoring the fact that it takes two people to have a long back-and-forth thread. You are a prime example.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Whatever gets you off. BTW, they were right. NT (none / 0) (#135)
by shm on Sun Sep 11, 2005 at 09:30:09 PM EST



[ Parent ]
I'd expect you to say that (none / 0) (#136)
by HollyHopDrive on Mon Sep 12, 2005 at 04:44:41 AM EST

given that you're one of them, and too pisspoor to think of anything better.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

I'm a sociologist. (none / 0) (#137)
by shm on Tue Sep 13, 2005 at 08:28:18 AM EST

You're just a poor specimen in a larger experiment.
Thanks for playing.


[ Parent ]
Come on! (none / 1) (#77)
by Ignore Amos on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 11:24:03 AM EST

I set you up with that "thin-skulled infant" thing.

You should have knocked it out of the park.

And that explains why airplanes carry cargo on small boats floating in their cargo aquarium. - jmzero
[ Parent ]

I confess (none / 0) (#102)
by HollyHopDrive on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 07:02:07 AM EST

that I didn't look at your link.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

The same can be said for your parents, cunt (1.27 / 11) (#46)
by The Honorable Edwin Lister on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 09:03:01 PM EST

 

[ Parent ]
But I'm not submitting them to k5 for voting (2.50 / 4) (#70)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 06:17:48 AM EST

you cunt.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

How is it not original? (3.00 / 4) (#49)
by Torka on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 09:51:58 PM EST

Serious question.

[ Parent ]
The WTC one. (1.00 / 3) (#69)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 06:17:29 AM EST

Been done before. Possibly by the same person, but releasing the same story twice is just not cool.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

OMG it uses words -1! (none / 0) (#125)
by Russell Dovey on Wed Aug 31, 2005 at 09:50:31 AM EST

Text is so unoriginal.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

Congratulations. (none / 0) (#129)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 10:28:28 AM EST

That was possibly the greatest missing of a point I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Nah Holly, this one's different (none / 0) (#128)
by D Jade on Thu Sep 01, 2005 at 10:32:57 PM EST

I didn't laugh at the WTC one. This one however, was the funniest thing I've come across on this site for a loooong time. I had to stop reading because I nearly fell of my chair.

It's stupid, but it gave me a chuckle...

You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]

We'll have to agree to disagree. (none / 0) (#132)
by HollyHopDrive on Fri Sep 09, 2005 at 10:31:48 AM EST

Seriously.


I make too much sense to be on the Internet.
[ Parent ]

Needs a Choose To Be A Gay Nigger option (1.88 / 18) (#6)
by The Honorable Edwin Lister on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 12:25:36 PM EST

 

+1, Cool (2.00 / 5) (#9)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 01:02:43 PM EST

-1, no me

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.

bible & reincarnation (3.00 / 8) (#11)
by krkrbt on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 01:04:51 PM EST

Although our Bible strictly forbids it, you will be reincarnated in your choice of one of three terrible, awful, disgusting lifestyles.

Well, that's not strictly the case, though it is quite contested.

Wikipedia: passages in bible supporting reincarnation

Reincarnation is a core of buddhist and hindu philosophy.  Some maintain that it was a part of christianity until it was stripped in the first couple hundred years, by rulers who thought it reduced their power.

When I look around at my fellow humans, I see so many who are scared to death of ... dying.  People who are scared are easy to manipulate - perfect for power-hungry politicians.


How is it irrelevant? (1.00 / 11) (#62)
by kitten on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 04:10:37 AM EST

Your entire story depends on it.
mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
[ Parent ]
It's good that reincarnation isn't in Xtianity (3.00 / 4) (#14)
by dhall on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 02:01:29 PM EST

Because reincarnation is retarded.

Reincarnation is just the old ideas of "afterlife" and "fountain of youth" combined, with amnesia thrown in to make it untestable.

UNfortunately, the result is that the old person is completely destroyed (ie DEAD), so what's the point?

Believing in magical fairy tales to soothe YOUR OWN fear of death may work, but that doesn't change the fact that you're deceiving yourself.

It's not actually that hard to accept an oblivion death and not be scared. I recommend this realistic route.

[ Parent ]

favorite quote... (3.00 / 2) (#31)
by krkrbt on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 03:39:47 PM EST

"I don't believe in Reincarnation, and I didn't last time either."  

You can believe what you want - acceptance of an "oblivion death" is a belief system, no different than acceptance of (belief in) the continuity of Life.  

Perhaps the most significant anecdotal evidence in this regard is the phenomenon of young children spontaneously sharing what appear to be memories of past lives, a phenomenon which has been reported even in cultures that do not hold to a belief in reincarnation. Upon investigating these claims, Stevenson and others have identified individuals who had died a few years before the child was born who seem to meet the descriptions the children provided.
- wikipedia on Reincarnation


[ Parent ]
Same thing as... (none / 1) (#56)
by BJH on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 01:25:20 AM EST

...fortune telling; given a few generalized conditions, keep on looking until you find an example that matches them.
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]
ever looked into the phenomena? (none / 1) (#58)
by krkrbt on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 02:06:28 AM EST

I mean, you, yourself, personally?  Have you at least read a book where they discuss specific cases of children talking about lives they've already lived??

John Edward (of T.V.'s Crossing Over) talks about your type in his books - "skeptics" come to his events, looking to disprove what he's doing.  But he comes through with specific information from THEIR family member, that he couldn't have possibly known... unless he really does what he claims to do.

I myself went to an "energy worker" once.. Never talked to her to set up the appointment (her daughter-in-law called me back), didn't ask any questions before she started... And she read me like an open book.  She knew all about me - personality type, personal struggles, the whole enchilada.

I was curious about a certain lady who did "readings".  "and this card means you'll be getting some money in the near future from a family member".  I hadn't told her anything about my maternal grandparents plans to give their grandchildren a significant number of matured savings bonds.  But she knew.  I hadn't received them at the time, but did later that month or the next.  I wonder how that happened?  

There's a difference between a skeptic and a scoffer.  Which are you?

[ Parent ]

I'm a... (3.00 / 2) (#59)
by BJH on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 02:38:13 AM EST

...rational being. Unlike, apparently, yourself.

By the way, I hear the Tooth Fairy will be dropping by your house tonight, and bringing the Easter Bunny with her. Maybe you should stay up late?
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]

ever heard of cold reading? (none / 1) (#60)
by dhall on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 04:00:21 AM EST

Since you seem to be fond of quotes:

"In the course of a successful reading, the psychic may provide most of the words, but it is the client that provides most of the meaning and all of the significance." --Ian Rowland

[ Parent ]

Meaning? (none / 0) (#87)
by Mathemagician on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 09:22:35 PM EST

The fortune teller said "you'll be getting some money in the near future from a family member". How many different meanings can you find in there?

[ Parent ]
Um disregarding the base rate (none / 0) (#105)
by The Diary Section on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 09:45:14 AM EST

Its quite likely anyone reading this comment will find its true that they will indeed be getting some money in the near future from a family member. It doesn't say how much. Could be a million could be small change for a parking meter. Its a pretty likely event all in all. If you're a student then its a fair guess you've got elderly grandparents and other relations and possibly something like parents looking to sell the "empty nest". You are never more likely to receive gifts of money than at that point in your life.

You want to go out on a limb? "You will never as long as you live, no matter what happens, who you marry or who you divorce, however your kids turn out , receive money from a family member". Thats a pretty unlikely scenario I think; when you look at it that way it becomes way more obvious.

You will also fixate on the things that came true. Most psychics and mediums have get out clauses about "misty destinies" and "indistinct voices" that lends you to give them a few lets.

Normally a "fortune teller" will work with you as well. A "cold lead" will be quickly refactored into something else, often mid sentence by a talented enough practitioner. Its pretty likely by the time the above statement was uttered you hadn't looked aghast at the prospect of the word family (as an orphan sworn to celibacy might for example), so it was pretty easy.
Spend 10 minutes in the company of an American and you end up feeling like a Keats or a Shelley: Thin, brilliant, suave, and desperate for industrial-scale quantities of opium.
[ Parent ]

+1 FP +1 FP +1FP! Fuck Yeah! (2.00 / 13) (#13)
by PoopyPeanutz on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 01:37:07 PM EST

In one of the threads you say "library" instead of "librarian" like I think you meant to.

Of course I was going to +1FP this. Rusty? I think that K5 needs a new section called "Tasteless" don't you think?




every once in a while, an article appears on K5 that makes me ashamed to be associated with the site.--Zenofchai

+1 FP (2.14 / 7) (#18)
by nailgun on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 02:41:17 PM EST

To paraphrase Robbie Batch, Chief Xbox Officer for Microsoft, the sheer entertainment value of Choose Your Own Adventure: The Morbid Life cannot be overstated.

Plz resubmit (3.00 / 8) (#29)
by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 03:24:23 PM EST

as "Choose Your Own Adventure: HuSi", as that would be funnier.

___
I'm a pompous windbag, I take myself far too seriously, and I single-handedly messed up K5 by causing the fiction section to be created. --localroger

I wish. (3.00 / 12) (#30)
by calumny on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 03:24:25 PM EST

If only people with serious articles could write as well.

This story requires a warning (3.00 / 8) (#34)
by BottleRocket on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 04:47:45 PM EST

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR KURONS

The HuSi diaries made me want to kill myself in meatspace.

$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
$B R Σ III$

well (3.00 / 7) (#54)
by monkeymind on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 12:42:49 AM EST

please read them again.

I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people and assume the deserve it.
[ Parent ]

Please (2.20 / 5) (#37)
by stuaart on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 05:50:22 PM EST

-1 for appeasing the troll population. They will never be defeated if we go for appeasement deals with them all the time.

If this posts +1FP, the trolls will be able to claim they own k5.

NO TROLL APPEASEMENT.

Linkwhore: [Hidden stories.] Baldrtainment: Corporate concubines and Baldrson: An Introspective


--> Lighting a Cigarette... (3.00 / 5) (#53)
by Pluto on Thu Aug 18, 2005 at 11:20:01 PM EST

God, I needed that. I hope it was a good for you as it was for me.

_______________________________________
Burgeoning technologies require outlaw zones... deliberately unsupervised playgrounds for technology itself. -- William Gibson
It's been done. (3.00 / 6) (#63)
by Pat Chalmers on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 05:49:26 AM EST

How soon we forget; does no one remember the 9/11-themed Choose Your Own Adventure someone submitted some months ago? If I recall correctly, the only successful escape was to jump out of the side of the tower you were in, using a fat guy to break your fall. I posted in that discussion too. Laffin' out loud.

...probably by the same person. (1.10 / 10) (#79)
by mcc on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 01:43:33 PM EST

The other "choose your own adventure" story was clearly by a sockpuppet account.

This story is clearly by a sockpuppet account.

The stories, if I remember things right, have nearly identical formatting.

"If at first you don't succeed try try again" is as far as I can tell rule #1 of crapflooding.

[ Parent ]

This one was better (3.00 / 2) (#91)
by Arkaein on Sat Aug 20, 2005 at 01:58:18 PM EST

The Jew path and the molester path were only okay, but the endlessly repeating HuSi diaries path was simply a masterpiece. I laughed out loud when I discovered that the HuSi path was being doomed to a Hell of reading the same mindless drivel over, and over, and over again.

FWIW, I enjoyed both choose your own adventure stories quite a bit. This site needs a bit more humor.

----
The ultimate plays for Madden 2006
[ Parent ]

I found this really entertaining and even funny. (2.25 / 4) (#67)
by Elvis Priestley on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 06:05:51 AM EST

Does that make me a sick fuck?

Oh well.

+1FP
Buy clothes that will make you cooler

Underused format (3.00 / 8) (#71)
by zenador on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 07:02:14 AM EST

I gave this a + 1 FP just because it's a choose your own adventure.

Have there been any others over the years besides the WTC one?

Yes I do believe there was (3.00 / 6) (#73)
by Hung Fu on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 09:24:56 AM EST

Some guy invented the genre with a diary and there was much rejoicing and general faggotry

__
From Israel To Lebanon
[ Parent ]
If this doesn't get posted Peaks Island Maine dies (1.66 / 9) (#83)
by The Honorable Edwin Lister on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 05:53:11 PM EST

 

It's going DOWN. (2.00 / 3) (#85)
by mr strange on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 07:02:33 PM EST

Because there are still some good people left here.

(Also, you posted editoral as topical - tard!)

omniEvents is a high availability messaging service for CORBA.

intrigued by your idea that fascism is feminine - livus
[ Parent ]

I win faggot. Rusty knows not to fuck with me. (1.20 / 5) (#93)
by The Honorable Edwin Lister on Sat Aug 20, 2005 at 04:33:53 PM EST

 

[ Parent ]
Apparently... (2.00 / 3) (#94)
by mr strange on Sat Aug 20, 2005 at 07:28:53 PM EST

...you are ass fucking me with your tiny twelve year old cock right now.

I can't believe this made section with +6 votes. How does that algorithm work again??

Are you looking for CORBA training?

intrigued by your idea that fascism is feminine - livus
[ Parent ]

+1 SP (2.40 / 5) (#84)
by k31 on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 06:59:50 PM EST

"Choose your own adventure" is always a fave of mine, and I admire the time and effort it must have taken to put this together... however, its not really my cup of tea... so +1 to section rather than dumping it (some might like it).

Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....
I laughed, I cried (3.00 / 3) (#88)
by aphasia on Fri Aug 19, 2005 at 10:22:31 PM EST

I voted -1.

"You have *huge* brass balls. Tex would be jealous." --ti dave

I laughed, I cried, I fucked your mom in the ass (1.50 / 6) (#92)
by The Honorable Edwin Lister on Sat Aug 20, 2005 at 04:32:37 PM EST

 

[ Parent ]
That wasn't my mom. (none / 0) (#101)
by NoMoreNicksLeft on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 02:56:58 PM EST

That was the local stray dog. I know, I know... with your mom as ugly as she is, it's not easy for you to recognize human women.

--
Do not look directly into laser with remaining good eye.
[ Parent ]
yuo fail it (none / 0) (#112)
by aphasia on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 01:22:55 PM EST

trhurler does that gimmick better than you do.

"You have *huge* brass balls. Tex would be jealous." --ti dave
[ Parent ]

+1FP, I actually *liked* it (none / 1) (#89)
by buck on Sat Aug 20, 2005 at 12:49:09 AM EST

It was funny with a creative use of anchor tags and leaving no bitter aftertaste. WTF is this doing on K5? Right now, apparently, it's going down like Pam Anderson on my dick.

Repost as Diary just in case.


-----
“You, on the other hand, just spew forth your mental phlegmwads all over the place and don't have the goddamned courtesy to throw us a tissue afterwards.” -- kitten
Awww (none / 0) (#95)
by neozeed on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 01:44:43 AM EST

the husi diarys are missing so that part makes no sense... :(

-----------------------
Unless you're alive you can't play. And if you don't play, you don't get to be alive.

Fair use (none / 1) (#97)
by Hung Fu on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 02:10:14 AM EST

Don't get me wrong, I thought this story sucked colossal elephant dong, but the HuSi diaries were obviously used for satirical purposes which is permitted by copyright. At the very least they should have merely been truncated to "fair use" length - two or three paragraphs, instead of being completely removed.

What's the bet that this "MstlyHrmls" editor is a HuSi user? (My bet is CBB).

Anyway, it's sad to see the people who actually run this site don't care about it any more than the people who are fucking it up.

__
From Israel To Lebanon

I found it quite amusing (none / 0) (#98)
by The Diary Section on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 02:23:41 AM EST

I assume MstlyHrmls is wishing he'd chosen "child molestor" after all.
Spend 10 minutes in the company of an American and you end up feeling like a Keats or a Shelley: Thin, brilliant, suave, and desperate for industrial-scale quantities of opium.
[ Parent ]
Those were real diaries!? (3.00 / 6) (#99)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 03:40:39 AM EST

I can't believe it!  They were so dumb that I just assumed that the author made them up.

I kind of thought he spent a lot of time on them, but geeze.  They actually put that stuff in the Husi diaries?

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour

-1 for myself... (none / 1) (#100)
by mek2600 on Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 01:44:13 PM EST

... for liberal use of the Back button.

I wish I could bookmark things from my past with my thumb so that I could go back and repeat things from my life. That way I wouldn't die nearly so often.

BOOM, diaries restored bitches (3.00 / 2) (#113)
by HSM on Mon Aug 22, 2005 at 05:53:21 PM EST

Now HuSi's patheticness will forever live in infamy, long after Hulver dies of an acquired immune disease and stops paying his bills.

A photo of Fen, World's Greatest Transhuman

Not Nice at All (1.50 / 2) (#114)
by A synx on Tue Aug 23, 2005 at 12:15:45 AM EST

Isn't our culture already suffused with people who make themselves cool by not caring about anything? A "choose" your own adventure story where God wins in the end, how Calvinist. And in it you managed to degrade pedophiles, children, librarians and Jews. Plus you get to slander other people's posts in the guise of satire. -1 FP, get this off Kuro5hin into a blog somewhere hopefully distant.

What? (none / 0) (#121)
by reftel on Thu Aug 25, 2005 at 03:22:50 AM EST

Apparently, the United States kicked the German's asses, singlehandedly. They accomplished what no other European nation could do.
Ummm... aren't you forgetting something there? Like maybe Russia?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, (none / 0) (#123)
by Phil Urich on Mon Aug 29, 2005 at 03:53:48 AM EST

and say that, considering the rest of the content of this entry, he might have been, uhh, joking. Just a possibility, yaknow.

[ Parent ]
Why Do the Camp Guards Speak English? (none / 0) (#127)
by Mystery Girl on Wed Aug 31, 2005 at 02:51:53 PM EST

Admittedly "piss-poor English," but English none the less.

Still not archived yet? Rolloffle! (3.00 / 2) (#138)
by David Marcus on Fri Jan 19, 2007 at 03:51:43 PM EST

Are you bored?

Are you jaded?

Has all enthusiasm faded?

Are you one of those people
Like glazed fruit

Who sit there, in shell-shock
Till the dot on your screen
Disappears?

Are you one of those people?

Or are you just afraid?

Are you one who craves excitement?
Were you tailor made?

For this sporting life?

Living on a knife edge
This sporting life's forever changing

Are you one of these people?

PS, if someoen does later open up the K5 archive, they'll DIE. It's like AIDS for AI.

Choose Your Own Adventure: The Morbid Life | 138 comments (92 topical, 46 editorial, 0 hidden)
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