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[P]
Smile

By fleece in Fiction
Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: You Know... (all tags)
You Know...

Smile.
Shake.
Kiss.
Smile.

Find a new partner and do it again. This particular dance is called catch-up-with-everyone. You have to do it with each person in the room before you're allowed to sit down.


"I haven't seen you in so long!"

Change partners.

"Where are you working now?"

Change partners.

"Paul, you remember my girlfriend Rose."

I don't. Rose wants to shake hands. There's a certain way you're supposed to shake hands with a woman but I don't know it.

Change partners.

"I can't believe how much you and Andrew still look the same!"

This happens all the time. People are constantly surprised to find that you look like your twin brother. They can't not mention that you look like your identical twin. Maybe I'm surprised too. I feel hollowed out. Worn out. Ground down. I should be much smaller by now.

Change partners.

"When are you getting married Paul?" they ask. As if setting the date will make a girl in a dress turn up. As if planning a wedding is some new cure for being gay.

The music stops. Sit down.

After the right amounts of words are spoken, a bride and Andrew ooze up the aisle. Everybody nearly twists their head off to look backwards as they come in the door. It looks painful, so I just look straight ahead. My punishment is staring into a sea of bulging eyes - ready to pop. That's how hard everyone's trying to twist their own head off just to see.

The wedding dress can't hide the woman she is. Big tits. Big waist. Big arse. When we were teenagers, Andrew would collect magazines filled with pictures of curvy girls like this. He'd pore over them. "Wouldn't you love to have a go at that?" he'd say. I wouldn't. I preferred the pictures of glistening, slender torsos of tribesmen I found splashed across the pages of National Geographic. I'd lay awake at night planning safari holidays in Zaire while Andrew whacked off with big girls in the top bunk.

Three scotch and cokes into the reception I'm feeling okay. Five scotches and I'm happy for Andrew. I'm kissing his fat wife on the cheek. It was a beautiful wedding. Welcome to the family. She's so happy a tear leaks out.

Much later, I've lost count of drinks. Everyone's slow-dancing. I can't dance. My sister Tabitha leads.

"It's been a fucking long day.."

She's just like me.

"I know."

On the other side of the room, the bride and groom dance like they're underwater. The beat makes them ripple. The bride catches sight of us, and throws me a sly wink over her shoulder. I watch as it rolls down her big, curvy butt and gets lost among the shadows at her feet.

Tabitha smiles knowingly. "What's it like being an identical twin?", she teases.

"We're not identical.

He's married."

Smile.

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Poll
didn't win when entered into gay short story competition because
o author isn't gay 5%
o story not gay enough 33%
o not a celebration of gayness 28%
o just not very good 20%
o poor man's Chuck Palahniuk 11%
o WIPO 1%

Votes: 60
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by fleece


Display: Sort:
Smile | 25 comments (21 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
about: (2.00 / 5) (#1)
by fleece on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 12:51:55 AM EST

Is there anything gayer than posting a gay piece of fiction on ghey-five? Apparently there is - the winning entries of the NSW writers' Centre 500 word short story competition.

Like any good loser, these are the current reasons/excuses I have for not winning:

1) they're on to me; their long distance gay-dar told them I wasn't actually gay, I was just masquerading as a homosexual to enter their gay competition
2) my story wasn't gay enough
3) my story wasn't a "celebration" of gayness
4) it just wasn't a very good
5) I tried to write like Chuck Palahniuk. And didn't pull it off (my current favourite reason)
6) the other winners gave the judges head jobs



I still like mine better....



I feel like some drunken crazed lunatic trying to outguess a cat ~ Louis Winthorpe III
and (none / 1) (#2)
by livus on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 12:56:04 AM EST

7) they became too engrossed in trying to figure out what women's secret handshake is and what men look like in Zaire and forgot to put in a vote for your story.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
that's probably covered by 4) (none / 1) (#3)
by fleece on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 01:01:33 AM EST





I feel like some drunken crazed lunatic trying to outguess a cat ~ Louis Winthorpe III
[ Parent ]
opposite to 4. n (none / 1) (#4)
by livus on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 01:03:21 AM EST



---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
WIPO: not lesbian (none / 1) (#6)
by LodeRunner on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 01:23:46 AM EST

Looking at the link you posted, first and second place are lesbian stories. Guess you went for the "wrong kind of gayness" there then.

---
"dude, you can't even spell your own name" -- Lode Runner
[ Parent ]

it is teh lesbian conspiracy! (none / 1) (#8)
by fleece on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 01:31:42 AM EST

I should have known! after all, who else visits writing centres?



I feel like some drunken crazed lunatic trying to outguess a cat ~ Louis Winthorpe III
[ Parent ]
or perhaps the judges weren't gay either! [nt] (none / 0) (#9)
by LodeRunner on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 01:48:29 AM EST


---
"dude, you can't even spell your own name" -- Lode Runner
[ Parent ]

It was this line (2.60 / 5) (#11)
by Sgt York on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 02:39:03 AM EST

As if planning a wedding is some new cure for being gay.
Any man that plans a wedding is gay.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

you know? (none / 0) (#19)
by wampswillion on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 08:28:02 PM EST

i've always thought so too.  i do NOT really understand a man who really cares about any of the things that happens at a wedding beyond wanting his friends and family to be invited and that there is alcohol at the reception and that he gets to select his own tux.  

[ Parent ]
Heh (none / 0) (#21)
by Sgt York on Sun Feb 26, 2006 at 02:55:12 AM EST

At my wedding, all I cared about was the reception: The music, what kind and how much food, and what kind and how much to drink. And, of course, that my friends and family were on the guest list.

Beyond that, I was in 100% smile and nod mode. I recall I told my wife stargazers would be great for the floral arrangements. I had no clue what a stargazer looked like until my sister pointed them out to me at the ceremony.

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.
[ Parent ]

and i was (none / 0) (#24)
by wampswillion on Sun Feb 26, 2006 at 10:45:49 AM EST

i guess the most atypical bride.  i really didn't care about the details of everything either.  and my mother seemed to want to run the show. so i let her.  it mattered not to me what kind of flowers i carried or how the church was decorated.  my mother has good taste, so i just trusted her to do things however she wanted.  and i let my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses.  

now i'm wondering tho- if it wasn't all just that i really knew instinctively that i didn't want to marry him.   i don't know.  

[ Parent ]

Why can't women (none / 0) (#25)
by collideiscope on Tue Oct 17, 2006 at 09:26:51 PM EST

Use appropriate punctuation, grammatical sentence construction, and capital letters when using the internet?

Does it have something to do with the same way they can't put the toilet seat back up after they put it down to use it?

Or is it more hard-wired with the whole inability to be monogamous thing?

And why is it that the women who DO use appropriate punctuation, grammatical sentence construction, and capital letters when using the internet, are all hardcore bitchy Feminazi birkenstock-wearing unshaven ultra-butch dykes?

I am honestly curious.

-------------------------------
Hope is a disease. Get infected.
[ Parent ]

Not bad, +1SP because it's fiction $ (1.60 / 5) (#13)
by akostic on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 03:50:53 AM EST


--
"After an indeterminate amount of time trading insane laughter with the retards, I grew curious and tapped on the window." - osm
oh wait, um, so are you gay now? (2.00 / 4) (#14)
by yaksox on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 10:14:47 AM EST

My only qualm is with the fourth last line - if your sister grew up with she wouldn't need to ask what it's like being a twin.

What I like about short fiction is that if it's not so good, it finishes pretty quickly.

ps. please don't knock the VWC - the woman at the desk in there is kind of hot in a nerdy way.
zom·bie n. 3. One who looks or behaves like an automaton.

"she teases" (none / 1) (#15)
by LodeRunner on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 12:49:10 PM EST

Most likely she saw him being asked this all day long and asked it as a joke.

---
"dude, you can't even spell your own name" -- Lode Runner
[ Parent ]

VWC? [nt] (none / 0) (#17)
by DanK on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 03:49:51 PM EST




--
"If your mother says no jihad, then no jihad." - Abdul Nacer Benbrika
[ Parent ]
victorian writers' centre (none / 1) (#22)
by yaksox on Sun Feb 26, 2006 at 06:59:32 AM EST


zom·bie n. 3. One who looks or behaves like an automaton.
[ Parent ]
+1FP, personal policy (none / 1) (#16)
by Smiley K on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 03:45:59 PM EST

I thought this was awful but have a personal policy of FP all fiction as a countermeasure to the k5 fiction snobs. Good luck on getting your story past the Q.
-- Someone set up us the bomb.
QUEERER THAN RYAN SEACRET FINGERING CLAY AIKEN (1.40 / 5) (#18)
by Fineman on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 05:02:25 PM EST

 

+1, safari holidays in Zaire (none / 1) (#20)
by Russell Dovey on Sat Feb 25, 2006 at 10:04:20 PM EST

Classic line there.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan

+1 Short and to the point. (3.00 / 2) (#23)
by starX on Sun Feb 26, 2006 at 08:19:48 AM EST

Kudos.

"I like you starX, you disagree without sounding like a fanatic from a rock-solid point of view. Highfive." --WonderJoust
Smile | 25 comments (21 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
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