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[P]
Chauvinista

By LilDebbie in Fiction
Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: Hardcore, Postmodern, Feminist, Literature (all tags)

Lilly can't stand the attention she receives. It's her chest, she knows. Good nutrition and Swedish genes blessed her with an ample bosom. On top of all the staring, they hurt her back. Try walking around with that kind of dynamite strapped to your chest all day and see how you hold up. Still, life goes on. Her sales are doing well at least. Men are so easy.


At home, she swaps the v-cut and the mechanical contraption holding her glory aloft for a simple sports bra, her flat-front khakis for wind pants. They always felt like pajama bottoms to her, but that's what people wore at the gym. There was just enough time to hit up the juice bar for a strawberry banana smoothie before her jazzercise class. Sweatin' to the oldies wasn't really her thing, but that was the class Anne taught. You make sacrifices for love, or whatever it was she felt for her physical trainer.

They met when her work started offering contributions to her health savings account for good behavior. Since she didn't smoke, Lilly had to settle for a gym membership. At first it was a purely financial decision, with the savings on her birth control prescription easily recouping the monthly fees. Sure, she could lose a few pounds, all women do, but she never expected to go more than once or twice a month. That is, until she met Anne.

A few weeks before, sitting in the membership office idly playing with the zippers on the free tote bag for all new, well-endowed female members, she was informed by the friendly customer service representative that along with the bag, the towel, the free pass for the day spa, and dinner on him at Chez Coulettes next Saturday night (Lilly passed on that offer), she would be assigned a personal trainer for the first week to help her establish a workout regimen.

Great, she thought, another walking testosterone factory to make terribly witty double entendres as she flexed, stretched, groaned, and sweated underneath some machine designed to spread her legs apart with sixty pounds of dead weight. "No, tha-" she began as the trainer entered the room.

Lilly's mouth remained open as the last syllables failed to materialize. Before her stood an Athenian figure: strong, lithe, and dark-haired. Anne's warm eyes met hers with professional restraint. "Hello. My name's Anne and I'll be your trainer," she introduced herself with a solid handshake.

No ring Lilly found herself thinking as her fingers casually slid across Anne's palm. Sure, she had experimented in college, all women do, but she never thought of herself as the type of girl who'd find herself at an Ani DiFranco concert.

The week flew by far too quickly. Anne was gentle and patient as Lilly struggled to master the various pulleys and levers that made up most of her weight training. As the afternoons dragged on at work, she would daydream about buying a home in Vermont where Anne and she would milk cows and make their own cheese. When the free trial expired, she immediately signed up for the jazzercise class. Anne seemed pleased to have her as one of her students.

Lilly slurped down the last of her smoothie. Class began in five minutes and she was always punctual. A few women and the one gay guy were already inside the mirrored room doing warm-up stretches. She dropped her bag and took her place near the front and off to the side where she could get an excellent view of Anne's reflected rear end. Anne always wore these orange running shorts that tended to bunch up during a routine, nicely outlining the contours of her "glutes" as she always referred to them.

The door swung open as Anne jogged into the room. She always bounced into class like that, shouting "are you ready to rock, people?" Lilly enjoyed her enthusiasm, her lust for life. She looked at her and smiled in a way she imagined to be coy, but really came off as kind of goofy, not that it much mattered to most of her suitors, whose eyes were usually directed elsewhere. Anne was different though. She smiled back and stuck her tongue out at her, "c'mon, lazybones! Get up off that floor and move your feet!"

By the time the class ended and the tired remix of Britney's Toxic wound down, Lilly was drenched in sweat. After two weeks of this, she figured she'd be used to it, but Anne kept driving the class harder and harder. "See you Tuesday," she said, slapping Lilly's shoulder as she jogged out of the room.

The tingling in her flesh reminded Lilly why she came here despite her exhaustion. She squeezed the last drops from her water bottle and stumbled towards the showers with the gait of the ravenous dead. By the time she finally made it through the locker room, the showers were empty save one.

Anne stood beneath the stream of water, her head tilted back and body facing outward. Full frontal were the first words that came to mind as Lilly tried hard not to blush. Water steamed off of Anne's taut body, her skin shimmering in the heat. The small rivers winding their way through the clefts and canyons of her abdominals made Lilly unconsciously finger her own emerging six-pack. Say what you will about jazzercise, but it works.

Her gaze followed the path of the myriad rivulets until they gathered together in that furry delta between Anne's legs. So focused was her attention that she accidentally turned the cold water on first. A frigid blast pulsed through her body as a small scream escaped her lips. Her nipples stood rock hard upon the pinnacle of her breasts when she noticed Anne looking at her. The fire in her eyes was such that Lilly forgot about the chill goose-pimpling her skin.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh," Lilly had waited for this moment and now found herself completely befuddled, "the water over here is freezing. Let me try yours."

Filled with some fey confidence, Lilly walked straight towards Anne. She could see confusion in her eyes, but it would all become clear soon enough, she thought. Anne stared as a deer in the headlights as Lilly reached behind her to increase the water pressue, letting her pointed mammaries rake across Anne's.

"WHAT THE HELL?" yelled Anne as she shoved Lilly's shivering form away from her.

"I thought-"

"Get away from me, you harlot! May the good Lord have mercy on your soul!" she said, covering herself with her arms.

The bathroom tile seemed to tear at Lilly's "glutes" while she watched Anne storm out. Her joints ached from the cold. She listened to the nothing sound of the two showerheads trying to figure out what went wrong. She was certain Anne liked her. She saw it in her eyes!

No, no, Anne didn't swing that way. Lilly didn't either. It was all a lie. Her thighs pressed into her chest, which felt saggier now without support, as she hugged herself on the floor, nothing but a soggy bag of bones.

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Display: Sort:
Chauvinista | 63 comments (54 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
Fukin' excellent! (2.25 / 4) (#1)
by mybostinks on Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 09:14:20 PM EST

definitely +1 FP.

well, this story kept my attention.. (2.00 / 3) (#2)
by dakini on Thu Jul 13, 2006 at 09:44:39 PM EST

well done..+1FP when up for voting..

" May your vision be clear, your heart strong, and may you always follow your dreams."
Bigot (2.41 / 12) (#8)
by mfeltman on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:40:49 AM EST

You're suggesting that if a woman isn't a lesbian she must be a Born Again Christian.  This is patently misogynistic and racist.  You should be ashamed.

It's perfectly common knowlege that women of ALL cultures, lifestyles, and religious alignment fail to properly become lesbians, instead defiling themselves with filthy, filthy penises (any but our own).

The ending needs to be rewritten in a more enlightened manner.  You filth.


whisper.


uhm...ha ha...ha (2.50 / 4) (#12)
by nostalgiphile on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 12:23:12 PM EST

I'm rilly rilly hoping you're NOT sitting down in your basement right now thinking you're cleverest little creature on earth for having written this little bit of "satire."

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
[ Parent ]
oh you're mean (2.33 / 3) (#13)
by mfeltman on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 12:34:35 PM EST

I touched myself a little bit but I'm done now.  The fact that I irritated an irrelevant malcontent on the internet has gotten me all horny again though.

I mean seriously, who is this pissed off in a fantasy world (ie, the internet)?  This is the place where you can do what you want, more or less, and you choose this?  In real life you must be a cheerleader.


whisper.


[ Parent ]

just messin with you, dude (1.33 / 3) (#14)
by nostalgiphile on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 01:11:48 PM EST

Don't take it personal and remember it's "K5, where the smart get nasty."

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
[ Parent ]
well that's the stupidest slogan i've ever heard (none / 0) (#45)
by crazee4adventure on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 07:11:13 AM EST

there are no smart ppl here

[ Parent ]
But you always get really mad when we talk (none / 1) (#15)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 01:31:48 PM EST

Is it because you're a writer?

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

honey, sweetie (2.00 / 2) (#16)
by mfeltman on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 01:35:41 PM EST

I was humoring you to see how long you'd sit on the internet arguing with a stranger.  I was out sick from work and was gonna be in bed all afternoon anyway.

Turns out the answer to my question was "pretty fucking long."


whisper.


[ Parent ]

As you can tell, there is not much else to do (none / 1) (#17)
by Egil Skallagrimson on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 01:43:45 PM EST

at my job. I can go all night, as they say.

----------------

Enterobacteria phage T2 is a virulent bacteriophage of the T4-like viruses genus, in the family Myoviridae. It infects E. coli and is the best known of the T-even phages. Its virion contains linear double-stranded DNA, terminally redundant and circularly permuted.
[ Parent ]

What's your pointless IT gig? $ (none / 1) (#18)
by LilDebbie on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 01:53:53 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
LOL good one!!!! (none / 0) (#19)
by Sandwormrum on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 02:07:48 PM EST


**Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.**
I came (3.00 / 3) (#20)
by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 03:20:05 PM EST



___
I'm a pompous windbag, I take myself far too seriously, and I single-handedly messed up K5 by causing the fiction section to be created. --localroger

I shot web? $ (none / 0) (#21)
by LilDebbie on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 04:02:36 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
>:3 (3.00 / 3) (#22)
by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 04:34:08 PM EST

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR

___
I'm a pompous windbag, I take myself far too seriously, and I single-handedly messed up K5 by causing the fiction section to be created. --localroger

[ Parent ]
lol inurnot (none / 0) (#46)
by Mylakovich on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 10:12:26 AM EST



[ Parent ]
yeah, fukin excellent...good story!! (none / 0) (#23)
by oldwinebottle on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 04:34:23 PM EST



'WHAT THE HELL' (3.00 / 5) (#25)
by The Real ChefSalad on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 05:06:22 PM EST

That ending was totally unexpected but I can completely relate. Same sex attraction can easily result signal misinterpretations from desperately wanting. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to jump some dude's bones, thinking he was gay, only to find out he's straight upon asking. Of course, straight relationships have given me much the same results, just with fewer shower room opportunities.

Please don't anonymise me again, rusty. I'm having a hard time remembering what my current user name is.

Also it's not 100% misinterprettation (2.80 / 5) (#26)
by livus on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 08:49:49 PM EST

I'm dead cert that some people send out signals they have no intention on following through. A gay friend of mine gets so many straight-identified people trying to flirt with him it's bizarre.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Tell me about it (3.00 / 2) (#27)
by LilDebbie on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:23:50 PM EST

Women flirt with me all the time. I mean, gay guys can tell I'm not interested (though sometimes they flirt just for fun, and I oblige), but women just can't get it through their heads that I'm not the sex machine I look like.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
are you saying (none / 0) (#28)
by livus on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:34:51 PM EST

thatthey have no intention of following through? I think you're projecting, babes.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
No (none / 1) (#29)
by LilDebbie on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:38:05 PM EST

I have no intention of following through, silly.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
that's what I though (none / 1) (#30)
by livus on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:58:33 PM EST

you're the kind of tease the Diarist is complaining about.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
s/Diarist / great great great grandparent poster (none / 0) (#31)
by livus on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 09:59:36 PM EST



---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
How tall are you? (none / 0) (#42)
by nlscb on Sun Jul 16, 2006 at 11:25:08 PM EST

It's a relevant questions given your statements. Sorry, but HRZPRF OR STFU.

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange
[ Parent ]

6'0" (none / 0) (#47)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 10:47:52 AM EST

I've no HIREZ to give you.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Fair enough (none / 1) (#50)
by nlscb on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 10:56:51 PM EST

I'll take your word for it - one thing - you're definitely honest.

Hmmm, interesting. I guess you just have a way with women. My guess is that you probably excel at actively ignoring them, if your online persona is any indicator.

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange
[ Parent ]

Tru dat (none / 0) (#52)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 18, 2006 at 01:20:19 PM EST

Bitches love it when you don't pay attention to them. Gives them something to strive for.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
Well, (3.00 / 3) (#38)
by trhurler on Sat Jul 15, 2006 at 11:17:43 PM EST

I have gay (and straight, but not as many,) friends who THINK everyone is flirting with them when it ain't so too. People who really want that kind of interaction have no trouble imagining it.

--
'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
Are you trying to tell me (none / 0) (#40)
by livus on Sun Jul 16, 2006 at 05:22:54 PM EST

that people flirting with my friend are all in my head?

(and no it's not a euphemism for myself - I have an actual friend in mind. I'm slow to note flirting, so if anything more people are flirting with him than I think.)

Not that I haven't met people of the type you describe. But generaly I try to stay away from 'em. It's tedious.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

been there, done that (3.00 / 14) (#32)
by j1mmy on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 10:45:45 PM EST

i can't tell you how many times i've gotten the same reaction when i wander into the women's showers at the gym. why all the screaming?

+1FP, personal policy (2.00 / 6) (#33)
by Smiley K on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 10:51:21 PM EST

All fiction gets my automatic +1FP until the k5 fiction snobs chill the eff out.
-- Someone set up us the bomb.
She couldatleasta bought flowers and dinner first (3.00 / 5) (#34)
by nlscb on Fri Jul 14, 2006 at 11:11:40 PM EST

Jesus. Women just don't understand romance.

Get the door for her, help her get seated, love letters - there's a system for a reason here people!

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange

wow, just wow (2.60 / 5) (#35)
by CAIMLAS on Sat Jul 15, 2006 at 03:23:02 AM EST

Not only is this pulp girl-porn, it isn't even good by those metrics...

I haven't even seen such flat characters in comic books.
--

Socialism and communism better explained by a psychologist than a political theorist.

+1FP, bicurious pr0n (none / 0) (#36)
by Wen Jian on Sat Jul 15, 2006 at 05:43:00 AM EST

I swore I'd never vote a piece of fiction up, but hey...
It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
what? (2.60 / 5) (#37)
by rhiannon on Sat Jul 15, 2006 at 09:11:28 PM EST

You mean girls don't just casually rake their boobs across each other's chests in the shower?

Another childhood dream crushed...

-----------------------------------------
I continued to rebuff the advances... so many advances... of so many attractive women. -MC

please don't ever submit a story again (none / 1) (#39)
by crazee4adventure on Sun Jul 16, 2006 at 04:26:36 PM EST



Will don't $ (none / 0) (#41)
by LilDebbie on Sun Jul 16, 2006 at 07:26:06 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
well i hope so $ (none / 0) (#44)
by crazee4adventure on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 07:08:23 AM EST



[ Parent ]
BS-O-Meter Alert (2.50 / 4) (#43)
by dxh on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 12:12:04 AM EST

> Sure, she had experimented in college, all women do

Sorry...BS-o-meter off the scale.

That's only true in the wet dreams of geeks who read too many stories on alt.sex.stories.

Just because it is fashionable in media, does not make it true in real life.

So many kurons (3.00 / 2) (#48)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 10:48:22 AM EST

failing to get the point.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
I don't like the italics at the end. (none / 0) (#49)
by rpresser on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 10:39:49 PM EST

too over-the-top.

Otherwise, for some reason, it reminded me a lot of the late Doug Kenney's classic First Blowjob.  

Answering the door, Mr. Phillips was surprised to find Connie's crumpled form on the steps, her half-naked body crisscrossed with red welts and her tattered nylons seamed with thin rivulets of dried blood.

"Well, it certainly looks like you've had your fun," said Mr. Phillips, "do you have an idea what time it is, young lady?"
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty

sry (none / 0) (#53)
by LilDebbie on Tue Jul 18, 2006 at 01:21:30 PM EST

I was going for the cheesy effect. Perhaps too cheesy.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
You should definitely read First Blowjob (none / 0) (#54)
by rpresser on Tue Jul 18, 2006 at 02:45:37 PM EST

if you haven't already.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
link? -nt (none / 0) (#57)
by Kasreyn on Tue Jul 25, 2006 at 05:29:01 PM EST

nt
"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
[ Parent ]
top post, dumbass $ (none / 0) (#58)
by LilDebbie on Wed Jul 26, 2006 at 11:48:06 AM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
friendly today aren't we? [nt] (none / 0) (#59)
by emmons on Sun Jul 30, 2006 at 11:08:43 PM EST



---
In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

[ Parent ]
Always $ (none / 0) (#60)
by LilDebbie on Mon Jul 31, 2006 at 04:38:13 PM EST



My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
That was a very unexpected twist. (none / 0) (#51)
by static on Mon Jul 17, 2006 at 11:46:14 PM EST

I had to read it a few times to quite grasp it.


Nice one (none / 0) (#55)
by Marvaud on Wed Jul 19, 2006 at 10:50:45 PM EST

Excellent and riveting!

I liked it (none / 1) (#56)
by Aeyna on Fri Jul 21, 2006 at 06:25:23 PM EST

I was very engrossed and enjoyed the sharp change in tone, having already been taken up by the girl porn momentum.    The Christian stuff wasn't the best, since it took some of the edge off the rejection.

Wasn't that bad. (none / 0) (#61)
by kingy on Sun Apr 22, 2007 at 01:07:24 AM EST

I didn't really like the ending though. She (being Lily) obviously did swing that way.

What are you talking about? (none / 0) (#62)
by LilDebbie on Sat Apr 28, 2007 at 11:28:38 PM EST

All women love teh cawk. Those that say otherwise are simply in denial.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
scrolled to money shot (none / 1) (#63)
by DK4 Bloo on Sat Jun 16, 2007 at 06:46:25 PM EST

:(

Chauvinista | 63 comments (54 topical, 9 editorial, 0 hidden)
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