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Special Sauce

By Uncle AngryHands in Fiction
Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: humor, mcdonald's, jackass (all tags)

Circa February 1992

I worked at McDonald's. Full time. As you might imagine, it was neither particularly intellectually fulfilling nor provident of copious opportunities for advancement. In the course of two years, I moved up from unloading the fucking trucks at 4 a.m. and was actually working in the kitchen.

Supervisors could range from those that didn't care what we did as long as we didn't get them in trouble or get a customer complaint, to those who acted like we were the trauma team in a busy ER and the entire presidential cabinet had just been rushed in for an urgent bowel disimpaction. To reiterate, this was fucking McDonald's, and yet some of these tight-sphinctered motherfuckers worked every shift as if their entire futures depended on it. I'm not talking about 40-year old men who really depended on the money to feed a family; what we were dealing with was 20-year old assholes who had decided to make a career out of sucking the owner's shitter clean on a regular basis. It was a very regular occurrence that one got yelled at like a five year old for putting mustard on something "...when the order very specifically said NO mustard. NO mustard. See? NO mustard." I can still hear that worthless prick bastard whining, running that ticket up and down in front of my nose.

His name was Doug, and he was 25 years old, still in college. He was, as he put it, "paid to think"; thereby implying that we, the lowly crew, were not. We were there to take his orders, do them, and "FOR FUCK SAKE PUT YOUR COCK AWAY".  

I should mention that Doug was a raging homophobe, and the sight of another man's cock drove him to frothing, near-psychotic rage. In retrospect, I wonder what else it made froth on him.

Whomever had discovered this fact had long since stopped working there, but it was passed down over the years that if you could sneak your cock out and get Doug to look at it, the entire rest of the shift would be easier as it threw him completely off; he was simply too angry to do anything properly after that. For whatever reason, he never actually punished the person who did it either; he'd just scream and call us ALL fags. The more I think about this, the more I think he secretly liked it. It was a rare shift that at least one of us didn't get our cocks out; you could get it out, look down, and his gaze would follow. Pointing no longer worked, as he knew exactly what we were pointing at. Pointing at someone else didn't work either.

My friend Marvin, whom everyone called "Toot" for the obvious reason, was a master of getting his rather large, obscenely floppy cock out at a moment's notice. You couldn't even tell it happened. He'd wave his hand in a nonchalant manner, and suddenly there's the cock. It was at least 9 inches long, soft. Damndest thing I've ever seen. He said it never got any bigger, just harder. He was a shower as opposed to a grower. Either way, his monstrous dangle had a singular talent for driving Doug squarely over the edge.

One day, during a particularly hellish shift, nearly everyone in the kitchen had tried to show their cocks to Doug, but he was particularly wily that day and hadn't seen anyone's. In addition to being a complete prick that shift, he was feeling particularly self-congratulatory, commending himself OUT LOUD about being smarter than all "these perverts".  

I was toasting buns that day, and called over to Toot on the meat station (fitting, I know) to look over for a second.

In my hand was a freshly toasted McRib bun.

I laid out the plan very quickly. At great personal risk, I was willing to hold the bun in my hand as Toot put his cock on it.

It was just so strange, so fucking out there, that we were positive he'd look. Toot laughed and agreed that once it died down a little, I was to ask Doug about the bun in my hand, and when he looked, Toot's cock would be on it.

As the time passed, I had another idea. I didn't call Toot over this time.

At the appointed time, Toot signaled to me that he was ready.

Grabbing a bun in hand, I looked up, yelling at Doug the moment I felt something like a good-sized puppy being lain across the bun. It hit my thumb, and I tried to ignore it as I yelled for Doug that there was something wrong with the bun.

Doug looked over, and immediately began screaming. Toot stared back at him, beaming.

At that moment, I brought my left hand across my body, revealing what I had been hiding so carefully as I shot Toot in the cock three times with deadly accuracy. Pow. Pow. Pow!

McDonald's Special Sauce is a rancid concoction that from experience MUST be one part thousand island dressing, one part pickle relish and two parts monkey cum. In the restaurants, it is dispensed in tubes that look very much like caulk tubes, which are then inserted into "guns" that look very much like, well, caulking guns. Same ratchet action, trigger, etc. These are kept, facing down, in special drawers that keep them chilled.

I had, in the course of half a second, shot three Big Mac's worth of Special Sauce directly up and down the length of Toot's massive prick, resting on a McRib bun in my hand. It was like Satan himself directing the world's most fucked-up McDonald's commercial.

Doug's screaming became a high-pitched laughter that couldn't be suppressed. Toot fell backwards, screaming over and over "it's so cold! So cold!".

As Doug bent over, grabbing himself at the knees in his laughter, Toot lurched over to a trashcan, dick still exposed, and began furiously wiping himself with paper towels, exclaiming every few seconds "Oh, God, it's greasy!" and the aforementioned "It's SO cold!". This was in full hearing and partial view of the end of a lunch rush crowd. While they couldn't see exactly what was going on, they could definitely make out a 6'5" man, hunched over a trashcan, screaming these things over and over.

They STILL ordered food.

As other employees walked by in the kitchen, everyone noted Toot furiously wiping something off of his FULLY EXPOSED HORSE-COCK and muttering to himself. The district manager himself took one look, shook his head, decided it was better NOT to ask, and walked hurriedly away.

An hour later, Toot shot me in the back with tartar sauce and said that even though he initially had wanted to kill me, he had to admit it was pretty fucking funny.


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Special Sauce | 53 comments (45 topical, 8 editorial, 0 hidden)
McDonald's (3.00 / 2) (#1)
by HackerCracker on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 01:23:04 PM EST

Undeniable proof positive of the wholesale failure of Public Education.

Amen to that (3.00 / 6) (#2)
by Uncle AngryHands on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 01:28:10 PM EST

I didn't learn the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground until I hit University...

[ Parent ]
On the contrary (3.00 / 5) (#20)
by j1mmy on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 01:03:05 AM EST

Public education turns out exactly the caliber of employee needed by fast-food establishments such as McDonald's. I believe public education is succeeding in this regard.

[ Parent ]
McDonalds is the University where (3.00 / 2) (#27)
by xC0000005 on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 07:08:01 PM EST

the trashmen and whores of tomorrow receive their greasy diplomas before being sent out to service the public. Once in the US we had a concept called "College Track" and "Trades" where Slow Johnny could learn a skill that would pay his way and give him a way to put food on the table and beer in the fridge.

Voice of the Hive - Beekeeping and Bees for those who don't
[ Parent ]
Look at all the pompous dickwads (none / 0) (#40)
by kbudha on Fri Feb 16, 2007 at 12:29:35 PM EST

Maybe if your mommies and daddies didn't have so much money to buy you a corvette for your sweet sixteen you might know what its like to work for a living.

I don't see many 16 to 21 year olds getting executive jobs.

[ Parent ]

It's not hard to get an entry level (none / 0) (#53)
by Morally Inflexible on Mon Feb 26, 2007 at 03:42:41 AM EST

job that "counts" - at that age I worked as a windows monkey. quite an appropriate job, I think, for someone that age.

[ Parent ]
I rored, burger king story (2.85 / 7) (#3)
by GhostOfTiber on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 01:37:02 PM EST

Back in the day...

I had an acquaintance who worked at Burger King.  One of his favorite activities to do was to get high, and go into work.  Sometimes he'd get a coke and fill it with cheap vodka, wine, antifreeze, whatever.  The kid was nuts and he's probably dead today, but that didn't make him any less amusing to watch him slowly kill himself.  

One day, he decided he didn't like the manager yelling at him for smoking pot around back.  The rest of the day, he ran the buns through the top of the cooker and the meat through the bottom.  Normally this is reversed, so everyone got sandwiches with frozen middles and bread cooked to hell.

Another day the employees were drinking straight up vodka and decided that they needed to have races with the happy meal toys.  They would open the toys up -- they were cars or something else which ran around -- and raced them to their deaths in the hot fry oil.  Winner was the last one to have their dancing, spiraling toy burst into hot oily flames.

But the real winner came one day when the owner, not the manager, showed up one day they were having fry races.  This kid, high as a kite, saw the owner coming towards him livid about his conduct.  There was only one thing to do:  He grabbed a cup and scooped the burning toy out of the oil.  He walked it over to the trashcan.

His side of the story is that he was so high he didn't actually notice that the cup -- filled to the brim with 350F oil -- burned through and cooked his hand.  A trip to the ER later and he would be fine.  His hand looked like a side of bacon from then on and his fingernails never grew back.

[Nimey's] wife's ass is my cocksheath. - undermyne

I have it on good authority (3.00 / 4) (#4)
by MichaelCrawford on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 01:47:27 PM EST

That an employee was caught masturbating into the refried beans at the Visalia, California Taco Bell.

Looking for some free songs?

a jack off all trades (none / 0) (#42)
by newb4b0 on Sun Feb 18, 2007 at 01:26:09 PM EST

http://www.netmoneychat.com| NetMoneyChat Forums. No Registration necessary. Ya'll.
[ Parent ]

Your stories remind me a lot of my own uncle. (2.25 / 4) (#5)
by tdillo on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 02:04:24 PM EST

May he rest in peace.

+1 Section, (cuz its F-1ction)

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

It actually isn't (3.00 / 5) (#6)
by Uncle AngryHands on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 02:07:18 PM EST

But I get shit for posting my stories as fact.

[ Parent ]
This story gave me an erection (3.00 / 5) (#7)
by LilDebbie on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 03:33:24 PM EST

I don't know why. Anyway, +1FP ROR

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

Did your character ever think that... (3.00 / 4) (#9)
by fyngyrz on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 03:41:02 PM EST

...someone might be allergic to mustard, or whatever else put on there when the customer had specifically asked that it not be there? Did your character ever think, for instance, that when handing out a sugared drink, one might be handing it to a diabetic? Your character is that very person that the term "fucktard" was coined to describe.

The only redeeming value of this idiot post is that you put it under "fiction." One certainly hopes so. Bad, sophomoric fiction with - one hopes - little connection to reality.

Blog, Photos.

so... (2.90 / 20) (#10)
by Uncle AngryHands on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 03:43:54 PM EST

how long were you a manager at McDonald's?

[ Parent ]
Never. However... (none / 0) (#41)
by fyngyrz on Fri Feb 16, 2007 at 02:29:29 PM EST

...I have had the dubious pleasure of taking my diabetic sweetheart to the ER because some idiot at McDonald's gave her a sugared drink at just the wrong time for her system to manage to deal with it.

So, while I recognize your attempt at humor, I still don't find it funny. When you are in food service, you are a critical link in the ability of some people to survive, and I am offended when people take that lightly. When people act like morons, they probably are morons. Think before you act; some actions can't be taken back lightly.

Blog, Photos.
[ Parent ]

WHA.... (none / 0) (#44)
by kbudha on Mon Feb 19, 2007 at 04:10:29 PM EST

"When you are in food service, you are a critical link in the ability of some people to survive"

Yet you only make 6.50 an hour.

[ Parent ]

So? (none / 0) (#45)
by fyngyrz on Tue Feb 20, 2007 at 10:53:39 AM EST

No level of compensation excuses you from the obligation to prevent your actions from causing innocents harm. Not even if you work for free. This isn't a money issue, it is a social contract issue. Any tendency for you to think along these lines is an indication of your failure to be a decent human being. Any action along these lines makes you a criminal. If you fail to abide by the inherent agreement to not harm innocents, society should rightfully put you down like a rabid skunk. Any questions?

Blog, Photos.
[ Parent ]

Dude, fuck off (none / 0) (#46)
by kbudha on Tue Feb 20, 2007 at 04:07:19 PM EST

We're not talking about drunk-driving or straight up criminal activity. So stop exaggerating ya pompous biotch.

Do you feed the homeless?
Probably not.

Does that mean you should be locked up if one of these "innocents" starves to death.
Lemme guess, then you would change your tune to "that's not my responsibility".

So you'd actually lock up someone for accidentally putting mustard on your sandwich.


If I was diabetic or severely allergic I would not frequent fast-food joints.

Nice way to pawn off responsibility and blame.
You fit into the current attitude of society.

[ Parent ]

Actually... (none / 0) (#49)
by fyngyrz on Wed Feb 21, 2007 at 01:06:11 PM EST

Do you feed the homeless?

I do indeed. I've been doing that since I was 25; I'm 50 now. I also support animal shelters; I mention that because you may need some shelter someday, and we surely have a kennel for you. Though I'm afraid you'll have to look up to many of the dogs, who have more respect for human life than you do.

By the way, self-responsibility doesn't mean what you think it means. Idiot.

Blog, Photos.
[ Parent ]

LOL (none / 0) (#50)
by kbudha on Thu Feb 22, 2007 at 12:22:30 PM EST

You're a fucking saint.

Except when it comes to ppl who make mistakes at Burger King.

[ Parent ]

By the way (none / 0) (#47)
by kbudha on Tue Feb 20, 2007 at 04:12:21 PM EST

"Any tendency for you to think along these lines is an indication of your failure to be a decent human being. Any action along these lines makes you a criminal. If you fail to abide by the inherent agreement to not harm innocents, society should rightfully put you down like a rabid skunk."

3 words dipshit: WAR and HUMAN NATURE

Christ you sound like a woman.

PS: It is a money issue. Ya pay peanuts, ya get monkeys.

Don't fucking expect people to be the Gatekeepers of society when they can barely afford rent.

[ Parent ]

laughing (none / 0) (#48)
by fyngyrz on Wed Feb 21, 2007 at 01:01:20 PM EST

Christ you sound like a woman.

Thank you. For a moron, you sure do know how to sweet-talk a fellow. :)

Blog, Photos.
[ Parent ]

Anytime (none / 0) (#51)
by kbudha on Thu Feb 22, 2007 at 12:26:01 PM EST

Also anytime you'd like to compare IQ, knowledge of sciences, or even pop trivia I am available.

[ Parent ]
har (none / 1) (#35)
by Dramacrat on Wed Feb 14, 2007 at 10:14:55 AM EST

There are too many people on the Earth anyway. & people with allergies are failed humans.

[ Parent ]
shuddap (none / 0) (#39)
by kbudha on Fri Feb 16, 2007 at 12:24:13 PM EST

ya picky bitch.

If anyone is that allergic(or diabetic)to a condiment as to possibly provoke death, then THEY need to stay the fuck home and make their own food.

How does the saying go? "Watch out for your own ass."

[ Parent ]

come on (none / 0) (#43)
by sunder on Mon Feb 19, 2007 at 04:07:28 AM EST

there's the difference in acting like you're condescendingly scolding a toddler and alerting someone to their mistake.

[ Parent ]
I'm not sure if this would be funnier (3.00 / 1) (#12)
by rpresser on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 04:43:43 PM EST

if there were women working on that shift, or if not.
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
+1 FP (3.00 / 1) (#14)
by Wen Jian on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 05:46:45 PM EST

I have never voted a fiction piece up before. Well done!
It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
Hey, thanks! (none / 1) (#15)
by Uncle AngryHands on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 05:48:43 PM EST

It's nice to hear that. My stories go very blatantly for the lowest common denominator in people, and a lot react badly to that. Those who CAN laugh and poo-poo and pee-pee jokes couched in long-ish short stories are who I write for.

[ Parent ]
Someone just watched "Waiting"... (3.00 / 4) (#16)
by Epicureanist on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 06:11:04 PM EST

+1 for creative adaptation
-.5 for originality

+1 FP (3.00 / 3) (#19)
by Jonathan Walther on Mon Feb 12, 2007 at 11:39:37 PM EST

This story actually made me laugh out loud.  Not easy for a fiction story to do.  Good work!

(Luke '22:36 '19:13) => ("Sell your coat and buy a gun." . "Occupy until I come.")

Fact is... (3.00 / 7) (#21)
by Gloria Privatus on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 01:50:13 AM EST

The greatest pieces of music from the Romantic era are tied: Beethoven's 9th and Tchaikovsky's 6th. I'm sorry your article doesn't mention it, but it's nonetheless true.

Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, The Continental Liar from the State of Maine.

Reminds me of the days... (1.00 / 6) (#22)
by Zombie PoopyPeanutz on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 04:40:47 AM EST

when I used to work at Subway. I'd jerk off into the broccoli cheese soup or wipe my semen on the bread loaves before tossing them in the oven. I'm surprised no one complained, even when I was pissing in the pickles or leaving clumps of pubic hair in the shredded lettuce.

I only wish I'd gotten the chance to stick the manager's cat in the convection toaster. It works so fast that the cat would probably still be alive for at least a few seconds after its fur had been singed off and its skin charred to a crackly crust. It would serve that bitch right.

Now I get it! (none / 0) (#25)
by starX on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 06:01:07 PM EST

I finally understand why folks vote fiction down automatically.

"I like you starX, you disagree without sounding like a fanatic from a rock-solid point of view. Highfive." --WonderJoust
this reminds me of how i was at burger king (3.00 / 8) (#26)
by Tex Bigballs on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 06:22:21 PM EST

yesterday waiting in line for onion ring sauce for my onion rings and this little kid came up behind me and asked for a simpsons watch and i was like "hey punk where are you goddamn manners" and his dad came up behind me and he thought he was a tough ass because he was driving a ford f150 with the calvin windows decal pissing on the dodge logo and i said "look motherfucker my pythons are registered weapons with the federal government" and he said "yeah sure" so i socked him in the gut then in the face and then stomped on him about 672 times while his kid and girlfriend watched and then i ran off with his boots

+1, post to queue. $ (none / 1) (#28)
by Just this guy on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 07:13:17 PM EST

[ Parent ]
My favourite part . . . (none / 0) (#38)
by strawser on Fri Feb 16, 2007 at 08:38:43 AM EST

. . . is when you ran off with his boots. That was great.

"Traveler, there is no path. You make the path as you walk." -- Antonio Machado
[ Parent ]
Boooo (none / 0) (#29)
by Spendocrat on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 09:32:33 PM EST

Please stop voting this up, you pricks. The writing is crap.

I should mention that Doug was a raging homophobe, and the sight of another man's cock drove him to frothing, near-psychotic rage. In retrospect, I wonder what else it made froth on him.

This is particularly awful. Get an editor!

How constructive \\ (3.00 / 2) (#34)
by tweet on Wed Feb 14, 2007 at 09:36:22 AM EST

Not everything in black and white makes sense.

[ Parent ]

That's why they call it (none / 0) (#36)
by Spendocrat on Wed Feb 14, 2007 at 10:13:42 PM EST

"constructive criticism"

[ Parent ]
pasta sauce, -1 <nt> (none / 0) (#30)
by TDS on Tue Feb 13, 2007 at 10:47:15 PM EST

And when we die, we will die with our hands unbound. This is why we fight.
Projection? (3.00 / 5) (#32)
by kjs3 on Wed Feb 14, 2007 at 07:40:55 AM EST

Lesse...you guys are prancing around looking for any excuse to pull out your cocks, you include a vivid description of your friends 9 inch (because they're all 9", right?) member, and feel the need to mention that you "tried" to ignore another mans penis touching you.  And "Doug" is the repressed homosexual in this story???  The sauce was a nice touch, though.

It is offically over (none / 0) (#52)
by el_guapo on Sat Feb 24, 2007 at 01:07:13 PM EST

K5 has died
mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
No YUO (3.00 / 3) (#54)
by MrHanky on Sun Mar 18, 2007 at 06:36:07 AM EST

I was first, memetomancer.

"This was great, because it was a bunch of mature players who were able to express themselves and talk politics." Lettuce B-Free, on being a total fucking moron for Ron Paul.
[ Parent ]
Beat me to it. Curses! /nt (none / 0) (#55)
by ksandstr on Sun Mar 18, 2007 at 08:53:34 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Special Sauce | 53 comments (45 topical, 8 editorial, 0 hidden)
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