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[P]
*Tide*

By Uncle AngryHands in Fiction
Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: humor, comedy (all tags)

"...you motherfucking WHORE!"

I was really warmed up now, lobbing pitches of pure venom and hatred over the phone with increasing vigor, hitting my target more and more as I ramped up into a truly epic rant. Standing in the bathroom, I could hear people milling around outside as my voice increased in volume, ringing back at me from the ceramic, reflecting the blackness swirling around the depths of my vision...


"You've ruined my life, you worthless CUNT; I'll have this forever, there's no cure, and now I can't even go get another woman because you've fucking ruined me!"

At this point, I was intermingling my direct attacks with heavy doses of guilt. I had definitely found my stride.

"YOU kept accusing me of cheating, YOU called me four thousand times a FUCKING DAY and it's all because YOU were fucking around on ME!! You can't go two consecutive days without some form of male attention, I went off to school and you FUCKED on me, and now you've given me HERPES YOU FUCKING SLUT!"

I had become convinced, after weeks of a very painful rash on my cock and balls, that I was in the midst of a rampaging initial herpes outbreak. Far from getting better, it had only gotten worse as the days went on, suppurating red bumps that burst and itched horribly. At the very least, I had an STD of some terrifying magnitude, and the only person I had had sex with was my girlfriend, safely ensconced back in Farmington, Missouri.
I lived at the time in St. Charles, Missouri, over a hundred miles away, on the campus of Lindenwood University. I usually went home on the weekends to see her.

"What do you have to say for yourself, you fucking HARLOT?!?! (I had just had my first exposure to the Canterbury Tales)"

Across the miles, I heard a meekly whimpered "...but I didn't do anyth"
"SLUT! WHORE! DIRTY BITCH!" I thundered, cutting her off mid-word and causing her to devolve into crying moans again.

"Holy SHIT! Clark's in there KILLING some girl!" I heard from the hallway. I jerked open the door, stuck my head out and screamed "I have HERPES AND THIS WHORE GAVE IT TO ME!" as I slammed the door again to the bathroom, locking myself in. People were gathering outside, curious as to why I was in there with a phone, screaming so loud the entire house heard it.

"Clark's got HERPES!" I heard people yelling just outside. I tuned them out, turning toward the phone again, my mindless rage causing my entire body to contort AROUND the phone obscenely, trying to jam my entire body into the little mouth-holes so I could scream at her with my entire body.

"You slut! You lying, cheating whore! I cannot BELIEVE what a fucking idiot I am to trust your idiotic WHORE ASS!! You fucking hick slut, I've probably got herpes, the clap, and some fucking SHEEP SYPHILLIS from some farmboy you fucked in a cornfield!"

At that, I heard laughter in the hall.

I was losing it, shooting volley after volley of insult at her, getting nothing back to react to other than her crying, (I took this to be a tacit admission of her guilt), and rapidly descending to absolute frothing insanity. I had never been this mad at a girl, and never have been since. I was 22 years old, and positive my life was completely over. I would have to have THAT conversation with every girl from now on; tons of women would flee from me in horror, my cock a decrepit, scarred nozzle that shot pure poison.

People were knocking on the door of the bathroom, someone complaining that they needed to take a shit. I continued ignoring them as I heaped more and more abuse on her.

"What do you have to say for yourself, you cheating psycho?"

She responded by redoubling her crying. This was all I needed.

"It's OVER, you slut! We are THROUGH, go see a fucking doctor to get your fucking diseased HOLE checked out, and be prepared to tell everyone ELSE you fuck that you have the fucking PLAGUE in your ROTTEN PUSSY!!

In lieu of hanging up, I threw the phone across the room, shattering it against the toilet.

"HEY!!! Was that the phone?" from the hallway. I stalked out of the bathroom, being given a fairly wide berth as I made my way to my room. I picked up the other phone and called the first doctor I could find in the phone book.

"That's not herpes. If it was herpes, it would look like this, have this, etc etc. What it sounds like YOU have is either syphilis or gonorrhea." the nurse at the doctor's office told me. Great. I had no insurance, no money, and my cock was inorexably progressing through a disease process where it would finally just FALL OFF, blackened and withered like a dried pepper, no doubt causing me as much pain and embarrassment as was humanly possible as it went along this path.

While I felt bad about my one and only episode of actually abusing a woman verbally, weeks passed and I never heard back from my "girlfriend". I knew in my heart that this meant I had been right, and she had cheated on me. I was so bitter, thinking of how hard my adjustment had been moving to the city from Farmington, and how many times I had missed her. I wondered how many times I had been missing her as she got deep-dicked by Billy-Bob Two-Teeth on a tractor. I bought over the counter remedies by the armload, dabbing them on my poor, torn cock that I couldn't seem to stop scratching while I slept.

One day, I woke up, and the rash was gone. Just like that. I again became convinced that what I had was herpes, since I saw my symptoms as an outbreak, and then a remission. I knew the outbreaks would happen again.

A month later, it was back, raw, painful, and itchy as ever. I resigned myself to a cloistered life of never getting laid again.

It took me three more "outbreaks" to realize that what I had was a raging allergy to Tide laundry detergent. When one of my roommate's turns came around to buy the detergent for the house, he always bought Tide. Every time I washed my clothes in it, within a day I had another of my "herpes" outbreaks. Switching brands cured me permanently.

I never called her and told her about it.

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Display: Sort:
*Tide* | 29 comments (26 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
A true story. (3.00 / 8) (#1)
by creature on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 12:36:29 PM EST

Two years ago I was staying in Plymouth at my mother's house with my girlfriend. One day while in the bath I found some sores on my wang. STDs have always scared the fuck out of me and I freaked out a bit; not angrily like you, but mentally. My then-girlfriend and myself had a frank conversation where she swore up and down she hadn't been cheating on me. I believed her, but this still left me with a decaying cock and a growing sense of panic.

Anyway, imagine my relief the next day when it became clear that what I had was chickenpox.

Nice! (3.00 / 3) (#2)
by Uncle AngryHands on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 12:40:27 PM EST

My stories are true as well, but I always post them in fiction since someone always complains that they should be in fiction.

[ Parent ]
We need a "Truth" section. $ (none / 0) (#15)
by j1mmy on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 01:39:28 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Soon to be followed by "Dare" nt (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by curien on Sun Apr 29, 2007 at 05:18:50 AM EST



--
Murder your babies. -- R Mutt
[ Parent ]
I approve of this though (3.00 / 2) (#19)
by livus on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 07:07:03 PM EST

the point of it is that it's a story, not whether or not it's true. Therefore it belongs in fiction.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Same here (3.00 / 4) (#12)
by BottleRocket on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 01:47:45 AM EST

Turned out to be a hickey.

$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
$B R Σ III$

[ Parent ]

hahah (none / 0) (#4)
by l1ttledrummerb0y2 on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 02:00:51 PM EST

+1 from me

front page material to get K5 back on track! (3.00 / 2) (#5)
by United Fools on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 03:11:32 PM EST


We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
That's pretty much why I use non-bio (3.00 / 2) (#7)
by Wen Jian on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 04:29:16 PM EST


It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
i love how your sig assumes (3.00 / 4) (#9)
by anonymous-66714 on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 06:00:30 PM EST

we're all running in 640x400

[ Parent ]
Yeah (none / 1) (#10)
by Wen Jian on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 06:11:29 PM EST

My sig pretty much fails to work at any resolution. I haven't had time to sort it out yet.
It was an experiment in lulz. - Rusty
[ Parent ]
Fiction +1 FP, personal policy (none / 1) (#11)
by Smiley K on Wed Apr 25, 2007 at 08:10:21 PM EST

fiction nazis, chill d F out, etc.
-- Someone set up us the bomb.
Awsome (none / 0) (#13)
by rusty nail head on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 08:30:37 AM EST



This really made to the front page! (none / 1) (#14)
by United Fools on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 01:17:57 PM EST

K5 is not dying! Fools confirm it!

We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
OH SNAP! TIDE GIV U DA AIDS! (3.00 / 4) (#16)
by nlscb on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 03:10:38 PM EST

Great Story, btw.

Comment Search has returned - Like a beaten wife, I am pathetically grateful. - mr strange

ahahahahah (none / 1) (#17)
by nanobug on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 04:35:00 PM EST

I LOL'd

chickenshit -nt (none / 1) (#18)
by Kasreyn on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 05:38:14 PM EST

nt
"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
people like this freak me out. (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by livus on Thu Apr 26, 2007 at 07:13:23 PM EST

Over the counter medications for the syph?

"weeks passed"?!

Still, stories like this are always amusing. I think one of the arguments for familiarising yourself with both the symptoms and the timeframes for infection for STIs is to avoid social gaffes.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

Well, gee. (none / 1) (#21)
by Lethyos on Sat Apr 28, 2007 at 08:53:57 PM EST

You really are a complete asshole. The poor thing should consider herself fortunate you excused yourself from the relationship. Nothing worse than a completely irrational partner who responds with vicious rage to something like this before understanding it.



earth, my body; water, my blood; air, my breath; fire, my spirit
He was 22 (2.50 / 4) (#23)
by curien on Sun Apr 29, 2007 at 05:21:19 AM EST

Everyone's retarded at 22.

--
Murder your babies. -- R Mutt
[ Parent ]
Everyone's retarded FULL STOP $ (none / 0) (#24)
by yuo on Mon Apr 30, 2007 at 01:33:59 PM EST


I wish I had thought of pants pants pants pants pants pants pants pants.
[ Parent ]

Cool! (none / 1) (#25)
by Eccles on Thu May 03, 2007 at 09:22:19 AM EST

More rampant totty for the rest of us. And given your treatment of her, we can treat her pretty badly and still be an improvement over her previous boyfriend...

I got spam today with this as bayes-poison filler (none / 1) (#26)
by ebonkyre on Mon May 07, 2007 at 11:58:12 AM EST

Congrats, your rash is famous now, along with some of the other front page stories.

Message-ID:     <000501c78fec$3f60c9b0$777682d7@acvz>
Subject:    The only two things the MPAA was in charge of was Jack and Shit, and Jack just left town.
Date:    Sun, 6 May 2007 16:38:44 +0200

The cream of the crop for 2007 - GET IN EARLY! DSDI IS SET TO ROCK YOUR
PORTFOLIO!

DSI Direct Sales, Inc.
Symbol: DSDI
Price: $0.04

There is a MASSIVE PROMOTION underway this weekend! This is hot, read
the news and get on DSDI first thing Monday!

Yes, Aussies, there's a little bit of Jack in all of us now. You
fucking
hick slut, I've probably got herpes, the clap, and some fucking SHEEP
SYPHILLIS from some farmboy you fucked in a cornfield!
I think you're craaa-aaa-zy.
There is a reason for everything.
I'm not going to say anything else.
But when a few mega-bands, new or old, can take over the chart, it's
surely going to get really old, really fast.
Force people to actually submit stuff.
I bought over the counter remedies by the armload, dabbing them on my
poor, torn cock that I couldn't seem to stop scratching while I slept.
(One of these performs the most wonderfully half-hearted strip tease in
cinema history; unfortunately I can't find a proper list of credits.
00 and immediately thought of you.
Now that the market has moved to downloads, they're coining it in.
Can you prove to the world that you are not one of  us      ?
Downloaded
music may be convenient and can be exactly duplicated without error,
but
there was a reason why people dumped the wax cylinder of ancient times
-
it was crap. He'd hang a bunch of sample boxes on the pocket, come up
to
you and open it up, whispering, "Hey, buddy, wanna buy some Zithromax?
Clark's in there KILLING some girl! Go get it from BitTorrent or
something, you'll see. I liked the woman who went away to make money,
and spent it on expensive shirts for her husband.
I think you're craaa-aaa-zy. " After the rule change at the start of
2007, Crazy made it back into the chart, at number 30, and stuck around
in the top 75 until 24th February.
There's a certain trend in the internets - as time goes on, those sites
that allow you to naval gaze a bit more tend to triumph over those that
don't.
9 percent of whom are not hackers, who have moral standards which
inhabit their daily conduct.
I lived at the time in St.

The truth hurts sometimes... Nothing beats a nice fat cock. ShiftyStoner

That's fucking hilarious (none / 0) (#27)
by Uncle AngryHands on Mon May 07, 2007 at 12:36:06 PM EST

I feel so accepted. Such an integral part of the process, doing instead of watching...

[ Parent ]
well (none / 1) (#28)
by the77x42 on Wed May 09, 2007 at 01:31:36 AM EST

she probably did cheat on you (as evident in her crying)... just now she probably won't go fucking around cause she thinks she's carrying the next pandemic up her sorry cunt.


"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

AHAHAHA! (none / 0) (#29)
by 7h3647h32in6 on Thu May 17, 2007 at 08:57:50 PM EST

This is why I love K5!

*Tide* | 29 comments (26 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
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