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Time to Update the Ol' LARP Résumé

By Trollaxor in Fiction
Sat Dec 12, 2009 at 07:11:59 AM EST
Tags: Eric S. Raymond, ESR, LARP, Open Source, Trollaxor (all tags)

Eric poured the first of his new bottle of Jägermeister into a glass tumbler, making sure not to spill any drops of the precious thick brown liqueur.

He was warm all over from drinking the last bottle and sweat formed like dew over the numerous crap lines in his forehead. He threw back the shot, slammed his glass down, and brushed a swatch of greasy orange hair out of his eyes.

"Time to get back to work," he said to no one in particular.


Eric's wife was out of town on business, something that was happening more and more often lately, and he had been left to his own devices.

After getting kicked out of Barnes & Noble by the management when they caught him wandering up to strangers and offering to sign copies of The Cathedral and the Bazaar, he attended the Chester County Library Steering Committee but had to leave early from there too after he fell asleep and began to snore loudly during new business.

It must have been that bottle of Jäger on the way there, Eric thought as he drove home. And that had been Eric's afternoon.

Back home and at a loose end with a new bottle of Jäger, Eric decided it was time to update the 'ol LARP resumé. He sat down at his new home workstation, a rare 300 MHz Pentium MMX system with 512 MiB of memory named hardball, opened a terminal and typed nano $HOME/catb.org/html/larp.html, and began.

First, he had a couple of new roles to add to his already impressive list. He focused his eyes and read the last couple of characters over.

  • Percy Bullock (adept of the Golden Dawn) in Golden Aeon
  • Egil Skallagrimsson (viking badass) in Drink Deep and Drink Deeper.
  • Lucien Volare (revolutionary agitator) in Torch of Freedom

Cracking his knuckles and stretching his neck, Eric turned toward his mechanical keyboard.

Eric's keyboard was something special. First, none of the keys--not a single one--had any of the characters printed on them anymore save for a few white flecks here and there. Eric had worn them away in the last thirty years of typing with unwashed, greasy fingers.

There was also a film of crumbs, dead skin, finger grease, and Jäger congealed between the keys that looked like bile and smelled like a grease-trap in a condemned Chinese restaurant that permeated the air whenever he typed. Miraculously, the thing still clacked like it was 1982, and so Eric never saw a reason to clean it.

Eric also also had a hard time finding a DIN-to-USB adapter and so was stuck with PS/2, which was one reason he was loathe to ever upgrade his system. At one point he'd tried to "hack" a newer motherboard to support DIN, but ended up spilling melted flux all over it, burning his hands in the process.

Eric fingered this beast's keys and began adding his latest triumphs to the list.

  • Dildor Cockshadow (bisexual priest) in One if by Man
  • Vas Deferens (badass privateer) in Escape from Planet Prepuce

After another perilous moment of swapping, Eric's changes were saved and his hard drive quieted. Eric then scrolled down, Firefox swallowing memory like Linux developers in a men's room, until he reached the Skills and Interests Relevant to Live-Action Gaming section.

Spot-checking "I have an extensive knowledge base in the sciences and history," "I have good public-speaking skills and can hold an audience," and "I am an expert computer programmer and Internet technologist," Eric smiled. He squinted and began typing again.

I am the leader of hackers worldwide and spearhead the Open Source movement.

Eric hit ^O and leered in satisfaction as his machine once again lurched out of /swap in a heroic effort to write his changes. His LARP resume would be better than ever.

To celebrate, Eric swung around in his chair and grabbed the fresh bottle of Jägermeister, anxious to dive deeper into 70-proof stupor.

He paused, however, and decided to add a just a little more for good measure. Eric tickled the keyboard, smiling at the joy of talking about himself.

I am a core Linux developer.

Eric rubbed his bulbous gut through his faded OSCON '01 t-shirt as he ftp'ed into catb.org and uploaded the changes. While he was waiting for the transfer to complete he stuck his hand into his pants and took a slug from his freshly-opened bottle of Jäger.

Life is good, thought Eric. Life is good.


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Related Links
o http://www .trollaxor.com/2009/12/time-to-update-ol-larp-resume.html
o LARP resumé
o Firefox swallowing memory
o Linux developers in a men's room
o catb.org
o Also by Trollaxor

Display: Sort:
Time to Update the Ol' LARP Résumé | 13 comments (6 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
a *LARP* résumé? (1.50 / 2) (#7)
by mirko on Fri Dec 11, 2009 at 07:43:12 AM EST

what is that guy supposed to be?
is he really such a lifeless noob?
come on, who plays role games when you can just open a slashdot troll account to (first-)post ghey pr0n stories?
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
Superb work. £ (3.00 / 4) (#8)
by stuaart on Fri Dec 11, 2009 at 08:27:01 AM EST

Linkwhore: [Hidden stories.] Baldrtainment: Corporate concubines and Baldrson: An Introspective

Thank you. (none / 1) (#9)
by Trollaxor on Fri Dec 11, 2009 at 11:58:45 AM EST

[ Parent ]
well done, as usual (none / 0) (#11)
by nateo on Thu Jan 07, 2010 at 01:38:43 PM EST

but i'm trying to think of an angle for trollaxor to actually be a nom de plume of esr.  now that would be something

"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
Good I love your stuff (none / 0) (#12)
by blackpaw on Thu Jan 21, 2010 at 11:07:05 PM EST

About the only reason I check K5 these days is for trollaxor gay Linux porn.

Hey trollaxor (none / 0) (#13)
by lemonjuicefake on Fri Mar 12, 2010 at 01:20:36 PM EST

Were you the one doing my fan fiction? pretending to be me?

Time to Update the Ol' LARP Résumé | 13 comments (6 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
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