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Eric S. Raymond's Iranian Hacker Hangover

By Trollaxor in Fiction
Wed Jul 08, 2009 at 02:54:36 PM EST
Tags: Eric S. Raymond, ESR, Linux, Trollaxor (all tags)

Eric felt his scrotum contract in its latest desperate attempt to keep his testicles warm. This hospital, wherever it was, was damned drafty.

It didn't help that the nurses on his floor, who had been treating Eric like a complete bitch, liked to keep the air conditioning cranked up. Or was it just his room? He noticed they pulled their cardigans and sweaters around them only when they came to see him.

"Nurse! Nurse!" Eric shouted. "Excuse me, nurse?!"

Eric heard a chair creak, followed by footsteps coming down the hall. They were quick around here, one of the only good things Eric had yet noticed. Perhaps it was because of his celebrity status.

[Note: this story appears in canonical form, with proper formatting, at http://www.trollaxor.com/2009/07/eric-s-raymonds-iranian-hacker-hangover.html.]

"Yes?" the nurse said, crossing her goose-pimpled arms.

"Nurse, it's damn cold in here," Eric said. "And I think my pain medication is wearing off. Can I have some more pills?"

Her beady eyes, set atop wrinkled, puffy cheeks, lasered him in his bed. This was the sixth time Eric had shouted for her since her shift began. She didn't know him well but she was definitely starting to hate him.

"Oh! And my urinal needs emptied!" Eric added.

The nurse pursed her lips and folded her arms without breaking eye contact, "get fucked" in body language.

Eric smiled a crooked, leering grin at her and winked in a bid to charm her into emptying his piss. The nurse wondered if he was about to have another seizure.

She picked up Eric's chart, flipped through it, and replaced it.

"Mr. Raymond," the nurse said, "you're not due for more pain medication for two more hours."

Eric's mustache, orange and drooping, twitched.

"Do you need your bandages looked at?"

Eric shifted in his bed, stiff and uncomfortable. He slowly, awkwardly, stretched his hospital gown down over his knees.

"Nooo, no, no I don't," Eric said. "My bandages are just fine."

"Fine then," the nurse said. "I'll get your urinal. Do you need anything else?"

Eric watched as the nurse lifted his urinal carefully off of his lunch tray. It was completely full--1,000 cubic centimeters, one full quart of piss-- and mounding at the top.

The nurse stifled a gag as she slowly made her way into the restroom.

"This damn IV has me swimming!" Eric called after her with a quick laugh.

He heard her pouring his urine into the toilet and felt the urge to go again. It had been dark brown, viscous, and smelled to high heaven like sick wet meat. He really hoped whatever they had him on was working.

She returned from the restroom and replaced Eric's urinal.

"I'll be back when it's time for your medication," she said. "Dinner is in an hour."

With that she left until, she knew too well, the next time Eric grew bored or irritated.

Feeling as anxious as ever, Eric reached for billywig, his blueberry iBook, which had finally charged. He hit the start button and watched Yellow Dog Linux slowly crawl off of the hard drive into RAM.

Thank god this hospital had wifi. Thank god he had an Airport card in his iBook.

◇ ◇ ◇




"Hmm... Nope."




Eric was having no luck. The more he optimized his Google searches, he noted with alarm, the less relevant his search hits became.

foul smelling like decay meat and at times like grated yam. this odor ... and fifth day i see dirth brown dischargeAbnormal discharge from the nipple .... the air asking what that rotten meat smell was...and the consequent search ... So, my UA (urine analysis) came back abnormal

"Jesus Christ!" Eric muttered to himself as he squinted at his iBook's twelve inch screen. "I don't think I have anything coming out of my nipples!"

Making sure his iBook was steady, he gingerly squeezed his left pectoral.


Eric command-tabbed back to vi, where he was typing "RFI on brown piss that smells like rotting meat" to post to his blog, when there was a knock at the door.

"Mr. Raymond?"

It was the nurse.

"There's someone here to see you."

Finally, company! A hacker mind like Eric's was not used to boredom. He needed plenty of Iranian hackers to chat with, a cave full of LARP buddies, or, optimally, a Linux party. Not the sanitation of lonely, well-lit hospital.

A second later the door opened again and in walked not Eric's LARP troop or Linux party, but something far less arousing: a New Jersey state police officer.

"Eric Raymond?" the officer asked. He was 6'2" and built like the Mack trucks he probably ticketed on a daily basis.

"Yes, sir, that's me, officer," Eric stammered. He hated being dominated.

"You're under arrest for lewd conduct, public indecency, and conspiracy to solicit," the officer said. The tone in his voice told Eric not to interrupt. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say..."

Eric's mind wandered. He had to call his wife. She was his attorney and had dealt with this sort of thing before. He had to keep this quiet.

Eric decided then and there to be as cooperative as possible.

"...Do you understand these rights, Mr. Raymond?"

"Yeah, sure," Eric said. "But I'd like to share info about the other party involved in this incident."

"Go ahead...?" the officer said, not expecting Eric's offer.

"The other party," Eric said, "is a man named Emad, an Iranian hacker, quite possible in this country illegally. His email address is emad.opensores@gmail.com and his AIM handle is iran2hax0rc0ck."

"Any idea who the other parties involved were?" the trooper asked, taking his notepad out.

"Other parties? There were no other parties. Just Emad and I."

"Mr Raymond," the trooper said, "you were the victim of sexual assault last night."

Eric's left eye twitched. It was usually him, with his Glock and Jägermeister, in charge of the proceedings. Not the other way around. He felt so powerless.

"You'll be arraigned upon your release from the hospital. Do you understand that?"

"Sure," Eric said, "but why do you think there were other parties? It was just Emad and I the entire time."

"Mr. Raymond," the trooper said while replacing his notebook, "our crime lab extracted the DNA of two other people from your wounds."

Eric sweated, cold and salty, and his world spun. Who else had been there?

"Also," the trooper said, producing a plastic bag, "do you know what this is?"

He handed the object to Eric, who turned it back and forth. It reflected the room's lights weakly through the baggie.

"It's Ubuntu," Eric said softly.

"Ubuntu? What's that?" the trooper said.

"It's a Linux distribution," Eric said unhelpfully. "Where did you get it?"

Eric noticed the version number on the CD face as he passed it back to the trooper. 9.10--Karmic Koala.

The trooper looked away before he spoke.

"The doctors removed it from deep inside your ass."


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
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Related Links
o Google
o http://www .trollaxor.com/2009/07/eric-s-raymonds-iranian-hacker-hangover.html
o billywig
o blueberry iBook
o Yellow Dog Linux
o http://www .google.com/search?q=brown+piss
o http://www .google.com/search?q=my+piss+is+brown
o http://www .google.com/search?q=my+piss+is+brown+std
o http://www .google.com/search?q=my+piss+is+brown+and+smells+like+rotting+meat+std
o his blog
o Iranian hackers
o Linux party
o emad.opens ores@gmail.com
o Also by Trollaxor

Display: Sort:
Eric S. Raymond's Iranian Hacker Hangover | 28 comments (24 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
gay story (3.00 / 10) (#2)
by Nimey on Mon Jul 06, 2009 at 03:49:06 PM EST

Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

then why did you vote -1? (none / 0) (#15)
by Phssthpok on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 05:50:11 PM EST


affective flattening has caused me to kill 11,357 people

[ Parent ]
Could ESR boot Ubuntu?$ (3.00 / 3) (#4)
by mirko on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 04:48:44 AM EST

Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
Someone certainly tried, (3.00 / 8) (#9)
by Trollaxor on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 01:13:34 PM EST

but I think his ass crashed.

[ Parent ]
did it at least help science advance?$ (3.00 / 2) (#12)
by mirko on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 02:55:34 PM EST

Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
they know that ubuntu doesn't support ass (3.00 / 3) (#16)
by rhiannon on Wed Jul 08, 2009 at 01:42:56 AM EST

I continued to rebuff the advances... so many advances... of so many attractive women. -MC
[ Parent ]
why is it a shitty "os", then?$ (none / 1) (#17)
by mirko on Wed Jul 08, 2009 at 05:48:39 AM EST

Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
I love these (2.00 / 3) (#7)
by GhostOfTiber on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 09:35:22 AM EST


[Nimey's] wife's ass is my cocksheath. - undermyne

There's more where this came from! (3.00 / 6) (#10)
by Trollaxor on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 01:13:56 PM EST

[ Parent ]
The truth must be told (3.00 / 10) (#8)
by errgh on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 12:19:20 PM EST

move to technology section!

A shame k5 can't multi-section articles. (3.00 / 4) (#11)
by Trollaxor on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 02:24:42 PM EST

[ Parent ]
That's what tags are for (3.00 / 2) (#13)
by Ruston Rustov on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 04:13:58 PM EST

Get with the cloud!

I had had incurable open sores all over my feet for sixteen years. The doctors were powerless to do anything about it. I told my psychiatrist that they were psychosomatic Stigmata - the Stigmata are the wounds Jesus suffered when he was nailed to the cross. Three days later all my sores were gone. -- Michael Crawford
Maybe tomorrow. -- Michael Crawford
As soon as she has her first period, fuck your daughter. -- localroger

[ Parent ]
Not read it but support this K5 sabotage (3.00 / 6) (#14)
by sausalito on Tue Jul 07, 2009 at 05:05:58 PM EST

especially the page widening. FP

GBH - "The whole point is that the App Store acts as a firewall between busy soccer moms and goatse links"

goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! (3.00 / 4) (#18)
by lostincali on Wed Jul 08, 2009 at 05:56:43 PM EST

"The least busy day [at McDonalds] is Monday, and then sales increase throughout the week, I guess as enthusiasm for life dwindles."

Wellcome to Trollaxorshin.org (3.00 / 4) (#19)
by Ron Paul on Wed Jul 08, 2009 at 11:29:44 PM EST

This [Ron Paul] Diary! has brought Kuro5hin back to life! HUZZAH

Purely notional cop-shooting. (3.00 / 5) (#20)
by grendelkhan on Thu Jul 09, 2009 at 09:25:45 AM EST

"Eric Raymond?" the officer asked. He was 6'2" and built like the Mack trucks he probably ticketed on a daily basis.

"Yes, sir, that's me, officer," Eric stammered. He hated being dominated.

You know, if I had to guess about which part would actually be successful in cheesing off Eric, I'd have to pick this part. Not that I think anything can penetrate his ego-shield--self-proclaimed sociopathic tendencies aside, even--but I think this bit clearly strikes at the core of Eric's heroic image of himself.

Because Eric wants you to know that he'd totally shoot all those notional cops who take away his delicious liberties... but not, you know, actual cops.

Well played.
-- Laws do not persuade just because they threaten --Seneca

We'll never know because rusty (3.00 / 4) (#21)
by Trollaxor on Thu Jul 09, 2009 at 10:03:03 AM EST

charges $5 for new accounts and ESR doesn't have the spare change.

[ Parent ]
I'm tempted to sport him. (3.00 / 3) (#22)
by grendelkhan on Thu Jul 09, 2009 at 01:22:12 PM EST

The question of which would provide more value for my Lincoln--a delicious footlong sub of my choosing, or an account for esr here--is easily resolved; a scrumptious confection of meat, cheese and bread may last only a few short, glorious minutes, but the hilarity of seeing esr drown in a sea of trolls... well, it's a no-brainer.

But I doubt you could get him over here, even if I threw in the cash. Posting in a location which doesn't toe his wacky ideological line--despite his claims to not give a shit what others think of him--is well beyond his ken.
-- Laws do not persuade just because they threaten --Seneca
[ Parent ]

He won't post here. (3.00 / 3) (#23)
by Trollaxor on Thu Jul 09, 2009 at 02:00:14 PM EST

It's "beneath" him, and he generally avoids places he has no control over.

[ Parent ]
But offer anyway! (3.00 / 2) (#24)
by Trollaxor on Thu Jul 09, 2009 at 02:02:25 PM EST

[ Parent ]
You might just save K5 (3.00 / 2) (#25)
by blackpaw on Fri Jul 10, 2009 at 01:56:12 AM EST

Those articles are trollish works of art and satire at its best. I keep coming back for more.

ESR (none / 1) (#26)
by stuaart on Fri Aug 14, 2009 at 05:54:57 AM EST

Easy target... but still a worthy target.

No-one seems to have informed him that it's actually the 21st century, not the late 19th century US frontier he lives in.

Linkwhore: [Hidden stories.] Baldrtainment: Corporate concubines and Baldrson: An Introspective

So why is he going to jail (none / 0) (#27)
by rockkid on Mon May 02, 2011 at 01:28:58 AM EST

as the victim of sexual assualt. Did I miss another chapter or?
<<<<I am the cure and the sickness.>>>>>
Yes: (none / 0) (#28)
by Trollaxor on Sun Aug 07, 2011 at 05:20:50 PM EST


[ Parent ]
Eric S. Raymond's Iranian Hacker Hangover | 28 comments (24 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
Display: Sort:


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