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A day at the office

By cockskin horsesuit in Fiction
Wed Nov 27, 2013 at 04:36:22 AM EST
Tags: sodomy, horsecock, employment (all tags)

I just got back from work, what a day. First mistake: packing a big bowl of leftover beans for lunch. Second mistake: not putting them in the refrigerator. I was pretty hungry at lunch and the beans were a bit off, but they still tasted pretty good and I ate every one and headed back to my desk.

In less than an hour, my gut started rumbling ominously. What you have to understand about my office is that it is not so much an office as a shared cube in a floor that carries sound like the Sistine Chapel. Just as with every cough or phone call, the increasingly urgent and lengthy gurgles and rumbles from my intestines could be heard by every cube dweller on the floor.

After about twenty minutes of these increasingly frequent intestinal outbursts, I knew I had to do something to take care of this, something soon. That something would require a lengthy visit to a bathroom, preferably on a different floor, to thoroughly empty my bowels of their foul contents. Unfortunately, I was also deep in the bowels of superdebugging a particularly troublesome problem, and leaving now would lose my train of thought. "Just a few more minutes," I told myself, and I would come to a stopping point, clock out, excuse myself, and spend a good nonbillable quarter-hour worshipping the porcelain god. With this assurance, I stolidly braved on, my gut-alarm loudly sounding every half minute.

Just as I saved my work, my manager poked her head in. She had just gotten out of an executive meeting in the conference room, and as such was one of the few people on the floor who hadn't spent the past half-hour accompanied by the soundtrack of gasses and liquids warring in my duodenum. Now she wanted to talk about something. "Do you have a min-... OH MY GOD!"

At that exact instant, the pressure built up in my rectum exploded in a gaseous eruption of fart and liquid shit, overwhelming my startled anus's efforts to withhold it. I shit my pants as I sat, and stunned by the sensation of crapping my pants, bolted out of my chair. Standing up was the tipping point. Liquid crap now erupted freely from my diarrhea-lubricated asshole, filling my pants.

Aghast, my boss jumped back, not knowing what to do. The wall of stench advanced and filled the floor. I froze for a second, then sprinted past her, down the hall, down the stairs, to a bathroom, any bathroom not on my floor. As I ran my shit streamed down my legs, over my shoes, onto the carpet. I tracked shit as I ran.

In the bathroom stall, I took stock of the situation. It was pretty grim. I stripped off my pants and underwear. I tossed my boxer shorts, full of shit, into the trash can. With some paper towels I wiped as much as I could off my shirt, pants, and shoes. I wasn't very thorough because I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. So with that, I texted my manager that I would be out sick the rest of the day, pulled on my shitty pants, darted out of the building, and trudged home.

Usually it would be a thirty minute walk, but I took small back streets to avoid running into anyone while still covered in shit and it took more like fifty minutes. Still, I had to cross a busy bridge to get home. Some people did a double-take and hurried past as I stankily approached. A homeless man commented, "Damn, you stink bro."

Back at home, I stripped and threw my entire outfit into a trash bag and took a thirty-minute shower. Later I got online and chatted with one of my friends from work. Apparently my entire wing of the floor left early for the day, and the facilities people called an emergency meeting. A cleaning company is coming in tonight to steam-clean the carpeting. Also, I might need a new chair.

I'm not looking forward to going to work tomorrow.


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A day at the office | 13 comments (9 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
didn't this happen to tucker max once? (3.00 / 2) (#1)
by nateo on Sun Nov 24, 2013 at 05:00:14 PM EST

+1 fp

"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
Ah yes IBS (none / 0) (#3)
by Atari 2600 on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 12:50:12 AM EST

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Collitus, Chrone's Disease.

I too had this problem at work, I would always bring extra underpants and extra pants in case I had the liquid volcano diarrhea. Thought most of the time it was constipation that caused hemorrhoids so bad I had to get them surgically removed and sit on a yellow doughnut cushion that freaked out my coworkers.

I would bring a towel or two, plus some deodorant and liquid soap to clean up, plus air fresheners to keep the men's room from stinking up. Plus plastic trash bags to put the shitty underpants and pants into to bring home to be washed.

I remember coworkers got pissed that I would go to the bathroom a lot during the diarrhea stages, and then stay in there too long because I was cleaning up. I remember when the air fresheners were not enough and people getting mad at me that the men's room stank to high heaven.

It was not even my fault, it was a disease that I got caused by the stress of my coworkers that damaged my colon. After going on disability for 13+ years my colon problems have almost cleared up. I had a bad case of colon cancer, but after some surgeries to remove bad parts of my colon, I got better and the liquid shits had stopped.

Crohn's disease you dipshit $ (3.00 / 3) (#5)
by cockskin horsesuit on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 01:09:42 AM EST

[ Parent ]
LOL 'DIPSHIT' (none / 1) (#7)
by Harry B Otch on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 01:09:50 PM EST

A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.
[ Parent ]
also colitis $ (none / 1) (#6)
by cockskin horsesuit on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 01:10:44 AM EST

[ Parent ]
coworkers damaged your colon? (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by New Bottle Old Wine on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 09:50:33 PM EST

I didn't know you worked with Crawford.

-- Dictated but not read.
[ Parent ]

Don't know why it would be any surprise. (none / 1) (#12)
by tdillo on Tue Nov 26, 2013 at 09:24:22 AM EST

Blastar is always ranting about how hard they rode his ass.

Seems like in the blink of an eye we went from 'I tried it but I didn't inhale.' to 'Yes, I smoked crack!'

[ Parent ]
Epilogue (3.00 / 7) (#9)
by tdillo on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 03:51:46 PM EST

Manuel arrived early for his first day of work. He had struggled hard to get his green card and he wanted to make a good impression.

The crew donned their cleaning gear and inspected their equipment. The boss was telling them they were looking at an extremely rough assignment at an office building downtown.

"The janitorial staff at the building forwarded some pictures. I've seen some shit in my day, vomit, trash, small fires, but I don't think I've ever seen any shit like this before in my life.", he told them. "Manuel! You're new. I want to see what you're made of. You'll be running the heavy steamer and the rest of the crew will be doing the vacuum and aerosol behind you. You got point!"

Manuel was so very proud. He stayed proud right up until he wheeled the big industrial steamer into the office. He could smell the familiar taint that spoiled beans left as they were forcefully evacuated from the bowels of a human being even through the biohazard mask he wore. Poor gringo he thought as he surveyed the devastation.

He could tell from the splash back that the victim had at first attempted to sit and then immediately stood up and began running down the hall. A wide brown stain in the middle of the otherwise immaculate carpet aptly testified to the man's plight. But there was nothing for but to get started and so Manuel began to set up.

For the next several grueling hours the team worked. Steaming, scrubbing, vacuuming, spraying aerosol for what seemed like miles through the building. Manuel knew that he would be seeing brown streaks in his nightmares for years to come. But eventually, sometime shortly after dawn they arrived at the bathroom where the victim had left behind his clothing in a trash can. They double-wrapped the clothes and can both in thick biohazard plastic. These would be taken to an incinerator far from civilization to be disposed of.

Later in the van the boss congratulated them on their thoroughness. He had high praise also for Manuel who shouldered the brunt of the assault.

"Glad to have a man like you on the team Manuel", he said. "Sorry it was so rough on you."

"That ees a-ight boss. At leeast now I know I can make it thru anyting we get sent to. I only hope for a-one ting though." said Manuel.

"Eh, what's that Manuel?" asked the boss.

Manuel replied, "Thee next time that gringo needs to take a sheet, I hope the son-ov-a-beetch just stands fucking still!"

Seems like in the blink of an eye we went from 'I tried it but I didn't inhale.' to 'Yes, I smoked crack!'

Wish fulfillment (none / 1) (#10)
by Harry B Otch on Mon Nov 25, 2013 at 04:39:49 PM EST

I'm imagining this whole scenario taking place at the office of a former job of mine, a particularly boring one.  Not coincidentally, I was working there at the time I discovered kuro5hin.

I never got the chance to take a shit all over the office, but now I kind of want to.  Is that wrong?

A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.

A day at the office | 13 comments (9 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
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