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K5 - TEH MOVIE

By mirko in Fiction
Sat Jun 15, 2013 at 09:03:14 PM EST
Tags: sodomy, horsecock (all tags)

So, here I stand, day after day, bored at work where they incidentally cut reddit.com and imgur.com a few months ago for these being work-unrelated.

So, I gather my thoughts and suddenly get an idea. What if we could squeeze that juicy fruit and make it worth it, after all?

What if K5 suddenly became an household item and each of us a web-back-to-to-0.99v13 icon?

Well, here's how: let's make a movie together (when I say together, I voluntarily exclude the late CTS for he's proven how "reliable" he was as an achiever, which, now that he's busy getting his ass pounded by his (Holy-)Coran-holding mates in Guantanamo).

Here's the script.


INTRO SEQUENCE

It all begins with that sequence

The intro fades out to a nice fly over Hong Kong where an under-equiped nerd masturbates to some K-Pr0n magazine whilst typing some garbled junk on his relabelled-as-Samsung-S2 CHINTOOKFONN-CN419 wired phone (he mistakenly broke the antenna).

-Mike, Mike, he moans, oh Mike, will you forgive me...

-a macroshot of his face unveils a tear, slowly slaloming through his pimples, then on his sparse moustache before falling near his loving-hand.

SCENE 1

(Note: it's an American flick: everybody's supposed to be yelling or at least to perform anything they're doing the loudliest way possible, this includes the HK opening scene)

The horrendous noise of an helicopter landing near police cars surrounding an house similar to Drexl's in "True Romance". A man wearing a duffle coat leaves the helicopter and gets to the policeman in charge.

The camera zoom's to the house in the background where a man is holding a sizzling, larsening megaphone, even with the volume to the max, it's impossible to understand what he's speaking about even though the words "absolutely", "serious", "software", "problem", or "schizo-affective" sometimes come to recognition.

The camera focusses back to the policeman:

-How long has it been going, Officer?

-14 hours, Sir.

-What the Hell does he want?

-Some more batteries for his megaphone. He says he hasn't even gotten to the end of his introduction.

-We cannot let this go on forever, Officer: the Mayor has ready become fifty thousands complaints from the neighbourhood: they cannot stand it anymore. three hundred people have already taken their lives.

-But Sir, he says the First Amendm...

-Holy Shit, Officer! Don't let anyone throw his Constitutional Rights at you: just pack that fucker to Guantanamo!

A Limo'ed Bentley stops. A butler exits it, then unroll a red carpet from its back door to the policemen. He finally opens the car door from where appears what looks like an obese cross between The Dude, John Lennon, and Ronald Reagan.

The man approaches the policemen and tells:

-Don't worry Sirs, he won't finish.

-What do you mean "he won't finish?" ? Who the fuck are you ?

-Sir, I think I recognize that guy: it's Rusty Foster, a very successfull Web1.0 entrepreneur who gained billions from his famous Web Portal...

-Fecebook?

-No Sir. Kuro5hin.org. He machiavelously came with a scheme that helped him squeeze 5 bucks of off every one of his new comers, then he pretended this is "where Teh El Qaheed meet" so all of the NSA employees subscribed at once, thus demonstrating the power of TEH SCOOP.

-K5. I know that site. Before getting the covetted place of Data-Cruncha-Numero-Uno for the NSIA, I used to be known there as mumble. But I hoped it'd die, like anybody else who fell for this ugly scam. A site that once called itself "worse than C4 if at all"? Whatever. What do you want to tell us, Mister Foster?

-This man is Michael David Crawford. We call him MDC because we're lazy and lack social skills. Despite his sexy uncontrollable sodomitic pulsions, he's quite inoffensive. He's known for his unability to achieve anything: he's begun a thesis about the software problem, and plenty of software all of which he never fully completed. He's now under probation for not-quite-raping his former wife.

(The camera breaks to a scene such as this one, where Bonita would be the moustached medical aide)

...

Somehow, later in the movie, I'm thinking of a scene somehow similar of the dinner scene in "Fargo"... with sye and MDC.

...

OK, Sir, so let's end the draft here and let's suggest some way to take this script even further. And whatever happens, make your scenes noisy!

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Poll
K5 - TEH MOVIE
o would come all other the silver screen to 50%
o would fap to 50%
o would watch 37%
o would download 25%
o would deny I even know what it's about 25%
o wooden cock 37%
o WIPO 0%

Votes: 8
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Scoop
o that sequence
o this one
o the dinner scene in "Fargo"
o Also by mirko


Display: Sort:
K5 - TEH MOVIE | 19 comments (19 topical, editorial, 0 hidden)
pink underwear (none / 1) (#1)
by sye on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 12:20:44 PM EST

I wonder if you cross-breed Joe Arpaio with MDC, what will come out as?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Arpaio

Pink underwear

One of his most visible public-relations actions was the introduction of pink underwear, which the Maricopa County Sheriff's website cites as being, "world-famous."[43] Arpaio subsequently started to sell customized pink boxers (with the Maricopa County Sheriff's logo and "Go Joe") as a fund-raiser for Sheriff's Posse Association. Despite allegations of misuse of funds received from these sales, Arpaio declined to provide an accounting for the money.[44]

Arpaio's success in gaining press coverage with the pink underwear resulted in his extending the use of the color. He introduced pink handcuffs, using the event to promote his book, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, America's Toughest Sheriff.[45] Arpaio has said "I can get elected on pink underwear...I've done it five times."[46][47]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
commentary - For a better sye@K5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
enter K5 via Blastar.in

MDC's all about virtuality... (none / 0) (#2)
by mirko on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 12:32:02 PM EST

especially in the project making area: virtually ready, virtually compatible, virtually bug-free... so I guess their offspring would get pink underwear tatoos on their virtual horsecocks.
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
Tomorrow is a BIG day for Joe (none / 1) (#3)
by sye on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 02:36:50 PM EST

American toughest BIG time Sheriff Joe Arpaio is going to get a hearing about enforcing US district court Judge G. Murray Snow's ruling on Maricopal County Sheriff's Office (MCSO) violation of United States Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Like the movie 'O Brother, where are thou', we can't really say which one is the lesser evil:
I AM THE LAW vs. NOBODY IS ABOVE THE LAW
Can we?

A side note is, at the end of G. Murray Snow's 142 pages ruling, my employer NJSP is implicated forever with 'GO JOE' side of the Law.  Is that good or bad ?
http://www.nj.gov/oag/jointapp.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
commentary - For a better sye@K5
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ripple me ~~> ~allthingsgo: gateway to Garden of Perfect Brightess in CNY/BTC/LTC/DRK
rubbing u ~~> ~procrasti: getaway to HE'LL
Hey! at least he was in a stable relationship. - procrasti
enter K5 via Blastar.in
[ Parent ]

I just want the part of the grizzled old cop (3.00 / 5) (#4)
by tdillo on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 05:30:52 PM EST

Like Tommy Lee Jones where I get to wear a cowboy hat and yell at a bunch of guys wearing an assortment of TLA emblazoned windbreakers while helicopters with searchlights cruise above.

I'm wearing sunglasses and have a scene where I school some suit-wearing Government official. I also have a scene where I get to say, "I'm too damn old for this shit!"

I don't know whether to <3 or clutch my genitals while screaming

And I want to play the wise but witty black guy (3.00 / 2) (#6)
by Harry B Otch on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 08:58:52 PM EST

Okay, granted I'm none of those things--but I"m an actor, man, I can stretch.  And I smell Oscar bait here.

-----
A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.

Join C.R.A.W.F.O.R.D. - Citizens Ready And Willing For Online Revolution, Dammit
[ Parent ]

Allright, you'll be the Bangalore hotline (none / 0) (#8)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 12:49:57 AM EST

comic relief
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
OK, you're wearing glasses (none / 0) (#7)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 12:48:52 AM EST

with lenses one inch thick
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
I'm DOWN! (none / 1) (#12)
by tdillo on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 10:41:24 AM EST

I think that would be fucking funny as all git out. Start with this look from Trailer Park Boys but have the cliche hard-driving country sheriff dialogue and folksy wisdom delivered in a high-pitch nasally southern drawl. People would piss themselves from laughing.

I don't know whether to <3 or clutch my genitals while screaming

[ Parent ]
you Sir just earned yourself the makeup dept.$ (none / 1) (#14)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 11:02:44 AM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
I just want to play (none / 1) (#18)
by Riddick on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 09:28:59 PM EST

The psychological profiler who also suffers from the same mental illness as the perps he profiles. Played by Nathan Fillion and named Orion Blastar.

[ Parent ]
Is this a comedy? (3.00 / 3) (#5)
by New Bottle Old Wine on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 08:26:18 PM EST

Crawford as a Mr Magoo type, getting locked in 7-11s, forgetting how to use a door handle, etc?

-- Dictated but not read.

rather scifi: something involving MDC that ends$ (none / 1) (#9)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 06:50:26 AM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
We are teh legendary. (3.00 / 3) (#10)
by Enlarged to Show Texture on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 08:45:51 AM EST

+1FP


"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." -- Isaac Asimov
and you, Sir, will be teh Emperor, floating over (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 09:25:37 AM EST

this forsaken world and judging everyone unworthy of The Empire.

Sometime, you'll hand various characters a rope, or some sleeping pills, or single-shot guns, or, for the noblest, a Sepukku saber.

That'll bring some kind of Kurosawa-ish tone to the otherwise geekish/goofy/noir movie.
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]

The one problem I have is with rusty (3.00 / 3) (#13)
by tdillo on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 10:54:39 AM EST

I mean, he shows up sans yacht? You didn't even say if he was or was not polishing his 'monocle' at the time!

I don't know whether to <3 or clutch my genitals while screaming

you call a monocle a cock ring with a big glass?$ (none / 0) (#15)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 11:03:49 AM EST


--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]
I think a cameo appearance (none / 1) (#16)
by Harry B Otch on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 11:39:24 AM EST

along the lines of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now is called for here.  Rusty shows up near the end, older and heavier than expected, and reveals the whole deeper meaning behind the plot.

Then he ritually sacrifices Michael Crawford at an evening saturnalia surrounded by frolicking natives.

-----
A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.

Join C.R.A.W.F.O.R.D. - Citizens Ready And Willing For Online Revolution, Dammit
[ Parent ]

The problem is... (none / 1) (#17)
by mirko on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 11:46:39 AM EST

You cannot end MDC. so we'll need a post-credits view of his still-pulsating turgidness... otherwise the idea is not bad.

That'd be perfect if rusty did the whole scene whilst sucking on a Chupa Chups which he'd watch a very indecent way.
--
Finally I managed to make the decision that I would work on it. - MDC
we had to huddle together - trane
[ Parent ]

Great way to endure, (none / 1) (#19)
by k31 on Mon Jun 17, 2013 at 06:51:57 PM EST

although doing a stick-figure comic strip a la xkcd might be more within our budget, and may even hit a profit zone.


Your dollar is you only Word, the wrath of it your only fear. He who has an EAR to hear....
K5 - TEH MOVIE | 19 comments (19 topical, 0 editorial, 0 hidden)
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