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[P]
Egg Troll's Guide to FPS Games

By egg troll in Internet
Fri May 02, 2003 at 04:42:55 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

When playing Half Life gets tired, and all the fun seems to have vanished from Quake don't reach for your wallet to buy new games that rehash the same old formula. By following my guide to First Person Shooter games, you can increase the longevity of your favorite game!


No Man is an Island, Except Me -- Many servers turn on friendly fire. Almost all of these have some way to punish those who kill their teammates. You may sit out the next round, loose some health or be booted from the game. However, Egg Troll points out this only happens if you actually kill your teammate!

If your team is steamrolling the other, why not make things more interesting? At respawn, pull out your pistol and shoot your teammates in the leg! They'll gimp out into the rest of the world with a third of their hit points greatly evening things up. Remember, fair play is what the FPS community is all about!

On servers that give you the option to boot people who TK, this tactic can take on a whole new dimension of fun. When your greedy teammates resent you evening things up by shooting them in the knees, they're turn on you. You must punish their selfish actions by booting them off. This will give them some time to dwell on their actions and appreciate how you were only trying to restore balance to the game.

The Bridge Troll -- Many maps have a single, narrow exit from respawn. Outside that door awaits a horrible, violent and often gruesome death for you and your teammates. Rather than let your fellow players rush headlong into a meatgrinder, stand in front of the doorway and warn them about the dangers of the outside world. It'll take a while for this to sink in, so ignore their cries for you to move. Tough love, indeed.

If Friendly Fire has been turned on, feel free to combine it with the first tip and boot people who don't appreciate your life-saving technique.

The Jukebox -- These days many games allow you to comminicate by voice with other players. Its often overlooked that one can transmit virtually any sound to the other players! Egg Troll enjoys making the game a little more surreal by playing circus music non-stop. Its been Egg Troll's discovery that most people value hearing circus music in the middle of a firefight. Other good songs are the Meow Mix jingle, any Christmas carol sung by the Chipmunks and the audio from any pornographic film.

Some players will mute you, while others desperately wish they knew how. Yet these players are a minority and you can bask in the warm huzzahs of your teammates for brightening up their playing experience.

Warning! Open Manhole Ahead! -- All FPS games are hotbeds of teenage homophobia. Logon to your favorite with a nick like "BoyLuvr", "Hot2Suk" or something equally foppish. During the game make several subtly homoerotic comments. Eventually someone will accuse you of being gay.

Reply that "there's nothing wrong with being gay" and begin hitting on that person. It helps here to reassure them that "their" feelings are perfectly natural and they should embrace them ("Accusations of homosexuality really reflect your own desires. That's exactly how I felt when I was your age. We should talk more about this...privately!") If done right your victim will leave to go find another server. Thanks to GameSpy, you can follow that person from server to server, offering to perform indecent acts upon them that would make even Pete Townsend blush!

The Kofi Annan Technique -- Playing the offense in Counterstrike? Well, violence never solved anything! Going out and shooting up a bunch of terrorists won't make the world a better place. And a terrorist shooting a bunch of police just makes their cause look bad.

Negotiations are the key to success in this world. Rather than rush headlong into a bloody skirmish, stay back at your respawn point. Find a good place to hide and then try to resolve your conflict through talking. Sure, your dead teammates may bemoan the fact that you're not violently avenging your death. But when they see that you were able to reach a solution without resorting to conflict, it will be a valueable lesson from them. So feel free to stay hidden until time runs out. You may not have planted the bomb or rescued the hostages but you have learned a little about life.

Conclusion

These are just some guidelines. What other fun tactics does the K5 community have to share?

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Display: Sort:
Egg Troll's Guide to FPS Games | 223 comments (211 topical, 12 editorial, 1 hidden)
-1 (3.06 / 16) (#3)
by A Proud American on Thu May 01, 2003 at 10:21:56 PM EST

Video games promote anti-social lifestyles, unhealthy skin conditions, poor diets, and excessive masturbatory habits.

Let's spare K5 of this -- God knows we've got enough already.

____________________________
The weak are killed and eaten...


yay! (none / 0) (#67)
by RadiantMatrix on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:02:55 PM EST

Video games promote anti-social lifestyles, unhealthy skin conditions, poor diets, and excessive masturbatory habits.
yay! Everything that's right with the world!

----------
I don't like spam - Parent ]

uh... (3.33 / 3) (#92)
by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:41:29 PM EST

i have never a read a more accidentally ironic post on kuro5hin in my life lol ;-P


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
lol n/t (3.00 / 2) (#103)
by phuzz on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:43:29 PM EST

rofl

[ Parent ]
ASCII art (4.66 / 3) (#4)
by godix on Thu May 01, 2003 at 10:34:20 PM EST

For those games that show bullet holes on the walls, try doing ascii art. Bonus points if you can do the ascii goatse.cx man without getting fragged.


"Welcome to K5. We're a democracy. Which means.. we don't give a shit about you personally."
-
Wow, they have ASCII guns? (5.00 / 1) (#16)
by tang gnat on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:25:39 AM EST

Oh yeah, they have BULLET guns. So you create BULLET art, duh.

[ Parent ]
No, you've got it all wrong (5.00 / 3) (#20)
by Emissary on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:54:11 AM EST

You use the bullet holes to draw each letter. For example:
.
 :
'
Would be one of the parentheses defining the knuckles of his left hand.

"Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
[ Parent ]
Dear lord! (4.50 / 2) (#54)
by cdyer on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:17:31 AM EST

Though not in the least bit graphic, that was far too powerfully suggestive for my tastes.

Sweet fucking Christ.

[ Parent ]

knives (none / 0) (#65)
by wiremind on Fri May 02, 2003 at 11:56:14 AM EST

I play SOF2, and when i'm the last one alive on my team, and everyone is watching me, i will use my knife to make messages on the walls.
Kyle
[ Parent ]
Thank you, Egg Troll (4.60 / 5) (#6)
by LilDebbie on Thu May 01, 2003 at 10:42:35 PM EST

The next time I play Counter-Strike I'll make sure to blast Sinatra or the Vienna Boys' Choir. That is the best suggestion for improving FPS play I have ever heard.

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

Music to frag by (4.40 / 5) (#11)
by Kyle on Thu May 01, 2003 at 11:36:25 PM EST

Back in college, a favorite for drowning out the bad music next door was bagpipes. For some reason, bagpipe music just cuts through damn near anything else at any volume. Oh, you could go with the hamsterdance, Weird Al's "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" or the Barney theme song, but they just don't have the same worldly mature appeal of bagpipes.

Good music: (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by regeya on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:01:25 AM EST

  • Monk chants
  • Asian pop (any country will do)
  • 70s rock (the hornier the better)

    Frag on!

    [ yokelpunk | kuro5hin diary ]
    [ Parent ]

  • Not Bad... (5.00 / 1) (#14)
    by The dev0 on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:11:39 AM EST

    I frag only to Disco. Try it, you'll never go back.

    Never fight naked, unless you're in prison...
    [ Parent ]

    Disco (none / 0) (#167)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:51:28 PM EST

    Bee Gees Stayin' Alive?

    Now you'll never get that song out of your head. Am I a Goddamed evil sinner or what?

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Journey! (5.00 / 1) (#15)
    by egg troll on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:14:17 AM EST

    Someday love will find you
    Break those chains that bind you
    One night will remind you
    How we touched
    And went our seperate ways
    If he ever hurts you
    True love won't desert you
    You know I still love you
    Though we touched
    And went our seperate ways

    He's a bondage fan, a gastronome, a sensualist
    Unparalleled for sinister lasciviousness.

    [ Parent ]

    Or REO Speedwagon. (none / 0) (#168)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:52:35 PM EST

    Or anything from any decade done in a minor key

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    The best music for killing (5.00 / 1) (#23)
    by yammering communist on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:09:02 AM EST

    is, of course, the most ridiculous kind you can conjure up.

    My favorites:

    1. Theme songs from children's television shows.
    2. Really enthusiastic shitty electronic pop. t.A.t.U. is the best recent entry in this field.
    3. Miles Davis. Also, any other jazz standards will work fine.
    4. Foreign rap music, Chinese and French especially.
    5. King Missile.
    6. Frank Sinatra.
    7. Vivaldi's _Four Seasons_, or any other inappropriately tranquil-sounding classical.

    Of course, if I'm actually trying to not suck, my current favorites are Otep's _Sevas Tra_ and System of a Down's _Steal This Album_.

    ---

    I fear nothing. I believe nothing. I am free.

    --Nikos Kazantzakis, epitaph.


    [ Parent ]
    D'oh! (none / 0) (#93)
    by regeya on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:41:50 PM EST

    I forgot: I used to frag best to Kind of Blue. Now that you mention jazz, I feel bad for forgetting it. "So What" is a great track to frag to.

    I used to try to DM to bands like Deicide; it didn't work well. The adrenaline would get pumping and I'd start to suck. :-D

    [ yokelpunk | kuro5hin diary ]
    [ Parent ]

    Hey! (1.00 / 1) (#95)
    by techwolf on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:58:55 PM EST

    WTF is wrong with Tatu? and I must say that every since Systems of a down's first album (which wasn't very good anyway) they have only gone waaaaaay downhill.

    And playing a little bach can really make me smile cause when I am calm I really get into "The Zone" and just start killing everyone. of course this just gets people so damn pissed off cause they are dying and not killing plus there is this DAMN FU#$@ING classical shit playing!

    hehe it's fun


    "The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." - Thomas Jefferson
    [ Parent ]

    the four seasons (none / 0) (#211)
    by TwistedGreen on Tue May 06, 2003 at 07:52:25 PM EST

    Vivaldi's The Four Seasons actually goes surprisingly well together. Don't knock it till you've tried it! I used to play Quake 2 deathmatch with a Vivaldi CD in the drive and it works out quite nicely.

    --- Somewhere, just out of sight, the gnomes are gathering.
    [ Parent ]
    re: Good music (5.00 / 1) (#125)
    by ZorbaTHut on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:49:45 PM EST

    When I went to LAN parties with friends, we'd play Quake 2 deathmatch with Enya for background music.

    It actually worked surprisingly well - much better than the Gilligan's Island theme, at least.

    [ Parent ]

    Ah, the good old days... (5.00 / 3) (#25)
    by flo on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:28:45 AM EST

    when I played DOOM I once found myself singing Christmas carols out loud while going from door to door, blowing away imps with my shotgun :)

    the audio from any pornographic film.
    This line has just earned the story a +1 from me :)
    ---------
    "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
    [ Parent ]
    Favourite Quake Music... (none / 0) (#99)
    by Ricdude on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:09:53 PM EST

    Personally, I enjoyed playing Quake with "Who's Afraid Of The Art Of Noise" in the cdrom drive. All the memories of the video for "Close To The Edge" with the chainsaw work... The track chosen for the between level breaks works very well with that CD, as well. "Upstairs At Eric's" by Yaz was another strangely beautiful CD for Quaking.

    [ Parent ]
    College Music Wars... (none / 0) (#68)
    by Count Zero on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:03:40 PM EST

    My Sophomore year in college, my dorm room was next door to people who insisted on getting up early (well, for college student standards) on Saturday and playing very loud (and bad) music. When my roomate and I decided we could not longer take it, Friday night we pushed the rather powerful speakers of his stereo up against the wall.

    The next morning, when they started up the music, we turned on the stereo as loud as we could and fired back with some of the most obnoxious stuff we could come up with, They Might Be Giants' "The Sun Song", and Anthrax's "I Wish I Had Some Goddamn Milk". :-)

    They actually never played their music loudly on a Saturday morning again.


    [ Parent ]

    IWe did this... (none / 0) (#75)
    by Rocky on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:53:27 PM EST

    ...except we were playing with the SNES at the time, so we used the Final Fantasy II (IV Japanese) soundtrack.

    We won just from sheer repitition of the "Mt. Ordeals" theme.  Leave it on all night!

    If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
    - Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
    [ Parent ]

    I bought a killer system in SEA in the AF (none / 0) (#170)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:04:03 PM EST

    A guy who had just had a bunch of people busted for pot had shipped out the day I got there, so naturally all the guys in my barracks, all stoners, thought I was a narc. So I'd drink in my dorm by myself (town was 70 miles away) with my stereo, a 200 watt Kenwood with four way speakers, six drivers in each, including 15 inch woofers, that were VERY efficient. This stereo was so good, when I got out of the service when I'd turn it up people thought my band was over practicing (I wish we were that good!)

    Anyway, I'd knock on the noisy party dorm, and was ignored (peephole)

    So one night I decided to go to bed early, bored and out of beer, but couldn't sleep from their stereo.

    I put in Led Zepplin's The Ocean and drownded their full-blast stereo out with the barely audible intro "We've done four already but now I'm steady I'm so damned ready, one, two, three, four" followed by the first five notes that literally made every window in the building shake.

    I was invited to all the parties after that!

    Sadly, some years later the killer stereo was stolen... =(

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Wierd Al (none / 0) (#166)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:49:45 PM EST

    This goes along with the "teenage homophobia" bit- Wierd Al's Which Backstreet Boy Is Gay?

    Al does a GREAT impersonation of the Butstreet boys

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Not Weird Al (5.00 / 2) (#191)
    by Mr Spot on Sun May 04, 2003 at 10:06:51 AM EST

    That song isn't by Weird Al, it is by someone called "MikeBoySlim". You should check out The Not Al Page, which has a list of songs attributed to Weird Al which he didn't write or have anything to do with.

    [ Parent ]
    thx [nt] (none / 0) (#218)
    by mcgrew on Mon May 12, 2003 at 03:58:22 PM EST


    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Or (4.60 / 5) (#17)
    by tang gnat on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:28:27 AM EST

    Try being the ninja, by arming the appropriate unlimited ammo melee weapon. Inform the players of your superb ninja expertise and then proceed to be mowed down by gunfire.

    Invisible Skin (2.00 / 3) (#27)
    by La Camiseta on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:46:23 AM EST

    I remember that I ran a server for a while, where I had loaded up the invisible skin. They hated that. They'd be running around, and BAM! Railgun through the head. That's some seriously funny shit there.
    ־‮־

    [ Parent ]
    cheating is not trolling (5.00 / 6) (#53)
    by vsevolod on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:12:03 AM EST

    nowhere in this article author spoke of cheating. yet you just had to come and go one step too far. CHEATER!

    [ Parent ]
    ninja (none / 0) (#102)
    by eudas on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:42:17 PM EST

    it would've been funny if you hadn't used a gun.

    eudas
    "We're placing this wood in your ass for the good of the world" -- mrgoat
    [ Parent ]

    +1 FP. But there is potential for more: (4.71 / 7) (#19)
    by yammering communist on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:54:04 AM EST

    I envision an entire SERIES of articles outlining methods by which one might endeavour to bring the art and science of trolling out of Internet forums and into real life.

    For example, troll while you drive by plastering your rear bumper with extremely offensive and contradictory stickers; troll in a hospital or medical clinic by walking up to elderly people and asking them why they haven't died yet; troll in elementary schools by slipping sexual health informational pamphlets inside library books, or starting fights between second-graders armed with stapleguns.

    I just know you all will get right to work on this.

    ---

    I fear nothing. I believe nothing. I am free.

    --Nikos Kazantzakis, epitaph.


    FPSs are real life? (5.00 / 1) (#21)
    by Emissary on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:55:48 AM EST

    You need to get out more.

    "Be instead like Gamera -- mighty, a friend to children, and always, always screaming." - eSolutions
    [ Parent ]
    Well, they're closer to reality than k5... [nt] (4.40 / 5) (#22)
    by yammering communist on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:58:59 AM EST



    ---

    I fear nothing. I believe nothing. I am free.

    --Nikos Kazantzakis, epitaph.


    [ Parent ]
    Bumper stickers (5.00 / 1) (#70)
    by smileyy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:19:01 PM EST

    I've often imagined a line of bumper stickers that are offensive to anyone on either side of a controversial argument:

    "If God didn't want us to have abortions, he wouldn't have invented coat hangers."

    "I support affirmative action: Why not give darkie a little taste of the good life?"

    etc...
    --
    ...alone in suicide, which is deeper than death...
    [ Parent ]

    Q: What do you call a troll with friends? (5.00 / 2) (#72)
    by smileyy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:35:38 PM EST

    A: Lazy.

    And the coat hangers?  Yes, sadly, in pre-Roe v. Wade America.
    --
    ...alone in suicide, which is deeper than death...
    [ Parent ]

    Tshirthell.com (3.00 / 2) (#112)
    by zaxus on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:26:27 PM EST

    Check this people out. "Abortions Tickle!" - Enough Said.

    ---
    "If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves today." - Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan


    [ Parent ]
    trolling in real life/ tv/ etc. is alive and well (4.00 / 1) (#90)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:38:12 PM EST

    look at the movies fight club or jackass: the movie

    look at some of the legislature/ resolutions that is being passed in the us in the name of flag burning and/ or the use of the word "god" in the pledge of allegiance: classic trolling

    trolling in real life/ tv/ movies/ any other media besides the internet is alive and well and enjoying lots of success

    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]

    Tonight, you all have a homework assignment. (3.50 / 2) (#117)
    by yammering communist on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:40:27 PM EST

    You're going to start a fight with a total stranger.

    You're going to start a fight. And you're going to lose.

    ---

    I fear nothing. I believe nothing. I am free.

    --Nikos Kazantzakis, epitaph.


    [ Parent ]
    lol ;-P (nt) (none / 0) (#127)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:07:36 PM EST



    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]
    that's not trolling (5.00 / 1) (#120)
    by ethereal on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:47:50 PM EST

    The Pledge thing and the flag burning thing are more pandering. It would be trolling if there were a sizeable amount of people who could see it for a troll, but since most people are nodding along with it, it's pandering instead.

    Not good either way you slice it. Personally, I'd prefer politicians as trolls - at least then you'd know that they might have a sense of humor and/or a mean streak.

    --

    Stand up for your right to not believe: Americans United for Separation of Church and State
    [ Parent ]

    A bumper sticker I see every day (none / 0) (#171)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:07:25 PM EST

    KSS MAS

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    3 levels of hell, increasing pain: (4.75 / 8) (#26)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:45:43 AM EST

    1. being trolled by egg troll on kuro5hin
    2. being trolled by egg troll in a fps
    3. knowing egg troll in real life
    +1 for skanking up the world with your presence ;-P

    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    Priceless... (5.00 / 1) (#79)
    by Skywise on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:57:06 PM EST



    [ Parent ]
    SKANKING??? Why you offensive bastard! (none / 0) (#172)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:09:19 PM EST

    You do know what "skanking" is don't you? No, I guess you don't. Ask your teenaged grandchild.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Better idea re: music (4.40 / 5) (#29)
    by fluffy grue on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:58:58 AM EST

    Turn on something really loud and annoying, shout "Who the fuck is playing that music? TURN IT OFF!" and then turn on another stereo with something else really loud and annoying (make it seem like someone else is trying to drown out the first idiot), and so on.
    --
    "Is not a quine" is not a quine.
    I love you.

    [ Hug Your Trikuare ]

    but saddam hussein gassed his own people (2.37 / 27) (#30)
    by turmeric on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:06:55 AM EST

    hello?

    Insanity... (none / 0) (#32)
    by Kaki Nix Sain on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:13:34 AM EST

    ... met with insanity as a reply. Sometimes this style of yours works so damn well.



    [ Parent ]

    dear dumbass (2.37 / 8) (#36)
    by turmeric on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:40:12 AM EST

    let me explain life to you. smart people are not smart. they are motionally disturbed. rather than getting love and peace from others simply because they exist, they rather believe that they must do so by extraordinary acheivement in some field. this is sad, and pathetic, and wrong. it also leads to amoral assholes inventing bombs for the military.

    [ Parent ]
    Fnord (4.50 / 10) (#43)
    by tjost on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:44:07 AM EST

    let me explain life to you. smart people are not smart. they are motionally disturbed.
    They have problems moving?

    [ Parent ]
    No. (1.80 / 5) (#77)
    by tkatchev on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:56:25 PM EST

    They have problems with reading comprehension.

       -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
    [ Parent ]

    dear dumber ass (1.00 / 2) (#87)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:28:46 PM EST

    life is tragedy

    and comedy

    the day you can no longer laugh at yourself is the day you have truly died

    if no one can laugh at anything, life is not worth living, justice is not pursuing

    laughter and happiness is the final goal in life for everyone

    so why do you feel the need to deny yourself and others the whole point of existence in the first place?

    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]

    Jesus (3.00 / 2) (#88)
    by OddFox on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:35:16 PM EST

    It sure must be fun being off-topic and trolling at the same time.

    --------------------------

    "No escape from the mass mind rape
    Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
    " - RATM


    [ Parent ]
    You don't say. (1.25 / 4) (#110)
    by tkatchev on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:00:17 PM EST

    He's off-topic? And trolling, too?

    Send him to a death camp!!

       -- Signed, Lev Andropoff, cosmonaut.
    [ Parent ]

    You're confusing (none / 0) (#173)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:12:06 PM EST

    You're confusing "smart" and "educated".

    "Don't confuse fat with dumb, son" -the Sherriff in High Plains Drifter

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Osama bin Who? (nt) (none / 0) (#118)
    by ethereal on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:46:00 PM EST


    --

    Stand up for your right to not believe: Americans United for Separation of Church and State
    [ Parent ]

    +1 the best music (4.60 / 5) (#31)
    by lvogel on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:10:00 AM EST

    Pop in a Wesley Willis CD.
    -- ----------------------
    "When you're on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog!"

    -a dog
    Kick a mountain goat's ass! (none / 0) (#96)
    by egg troll on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:01:06 PM EST


    He's a bondage fan, a gastronome, a sensualist
    Unparalleled for sinister lasciviousness.

    [ Parent ]

    Wesley (none / 0) (#129)
    by CaptainSuperBoy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:36:05 PM EST

    You know I met Wesley at a concert last month. He head-butted me several times and we said "Rah" a bunch of times. Half of me is disturbed and half of me is honored, but all of me is glad to have made his acquaintance.

    --
    jimmysquid.com - I take pictures.
    [ Parent ]
    Holy fucking shit (none / 0) (#174)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:14:15 PM EST

    what a loser!

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    A few more (4.90 / 11) (#33)
    by KWillets on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:29:52 AM EST

    I used to play Capture the Flag on UT quite often, and I eventually figured out that the best moves were the ones that made me laugh the hardest.

    There was one time on Face where I had the flag behind the enemy's tower, but I had about 3% health left, so it was pointless to try to get across, and my team was too lame to come over and help.  No one had followed me down, and after a few seconds I figured that everyone thought I was across the map somewhere, so I decided to fake it.  In UT a message goes out whenever the flag bearer drops the flag, usually meaning that he's been killed.  However one can manually drop the flag as well, and in the heat of the game no one knows the difference, so I had a rollicking battle for several minutes, dropping and regaining the flag several times, setting off the little alarms that put everyone into panic mode.  I think I even went over behind the enemy spawn point for a while, and watched the enemy players respawn and immediately head across to the opposite side to "help" fight for the flag, without looking behind them once.

    Eventually someone decided to look around a bit and I got whacked, but it was a good example of how little people communicate in these things.  

    There are also a few spots where one can hide with the flag indefinitely.  On Face, one can drop off the edge of the rock and land on a little ledge that probably wasn't meant to be there, that no one can see.  That way, if the other team gets your flag, you can keep them from scoring, forever, by holding onto their flag.

    As far as the sexuality-baiting goes, I used to play as "Divine", but I don't think anybody got the reference.  

    UT Face has special fun (5.00 / 4) (#35)
    by egg troll on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:33:46 AM EST

    To help teach them physics, air-piston your teammates off the map!

    He's a bondage fan, a gastronome, a sensualist
    Unparalleled for sinister lasciviousness.

    [ Parent ]

    No need (none / 0) (#39)
    by KWillets on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:58:12 AM EST

    Just wait until they have the flag, and help them out with a full salvo of rockets right next to them.

    [ Parent ]
    Quake II skin (4.00 / 1) (#175)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:18:34 PM EST

    I always liked the "nudechick" skin. It got me kicked off of a lot of servers.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Meh... (4.33 / 3) (#34)
    by 0xcafedead on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:33:38 AM EST

    A guide to being an asshole in FPS games.  Like most people need that :p

    Might get a chuckle out of some people... but as far as I'm concerned, there's WAY too many players whose only purpose in playing the game is being a pain in the ass... and it's one of the main reasons I'm not a big fan of most online games :)

    There's humour to be found in there... but it's mostly a summary of things everyone's experienced anyway.

    Another dirty trick (4.25 / 4) (#37)
    by KWillets on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:44:13 AM EST

    The point about taking two-thirds of people's health without them knowing it is a trick I used to use as well.  FPS's don't usually identify the person shooting you unless you die, so anonymous damage-reaping is a good stealth technique when sniping.

    I used to snipe from the enemy's tower and give body-shots to each enemy player just as he/she was going into our tower.  33 percent health, just before being turned into giblets by some newbie in the doorway - it hurts on all levels.


    again, you dumb trolls, you are like populists (1.95 / 24) (#38)
    by turmeric on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:50:45 AM EST

    almost every populist was a racist dumbshit. that was their achilles heel.

    almost every good troll has extremely sick sexual problems, like finding humor in the stalking of underage boys. that is not fucking funny!

    There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know nt (3.71 / 7) (#44)
    by Big Sexxy Joe on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:32:31 AM EST



    I'm like Jesus, only better.
    Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour
    [ Parent ]
    Why, some of my best friends are... nevermind.[nt] (2.75 / 4) (#48)
    by porkchop_d_clown on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:53:40 AM EST


    --
    Fishing for Men, Trolling for Newbies, what's the difference?


    [ Parent ]
    classic stupid turmeric (3.66 / 3) (#85)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:22:13 PM EST

    teenage homophobia needs to be punished with exactly this sort of attitude, good for eggtroll

    i was playing subspace once back in the day and this guy came on going "azns this" and "azns that", clearly not a hardboiled racist, just a really, really stupid kid.

    so i started chastizing him for being a racist and what thinking like that does to the world. others chimed in. pretty soon about 8 people were calmly and not so calmly dictating to him the error of his racist ways.

    the goddamn kid apologized sincerely!

    some good was done in the world.

    troll-baiting teen homophobes serves the same purpose: it pulls them out of their selfish shell and gets them to examine their intolerance in deeper reflection.

    better they do it at a young age online in disguise than in real life, no?

    you're a fool turmeric if you don't see the positive value of this.

    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]

    The job is only getting easier (3.00 / 2) (#91)
    by OddFox on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:41:26 PM EST

    Many servers (At least decent ones that I find on Gamespy with pings lower than 130ms and more than 5 players) are implementing anti-harassment policies, especially for subject matter such as sexual orientation. Usually you'll get swiftly disconnected from the server for being a dumbass, since the admins of servers are generally getting the idea now that people don't play on servers they know suck ass and are idiot-havens. Besides, it's always been fun to hit on people online if you know it will bother them to the point of having them sign off. I mean really, if you can't have a sense of humour about these things you shouldn't even be on the internet in the first place. Lol.

    --------------------------

    "No escape from the mass mind rape
    Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
    " - RATM


    [ Parent ]
    Thank you for that! (1.00 / 1) (#177)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:25:47 PM EST

    if you can't have a sense of humour about these things you shouldn't even be on the internet in the first place.

    people are so god damned offended at EVERYTHING. Why, it just offends the hell out of me that they are!

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Excuse me? (1.00 / 1) (#198)
    by OddFox on Sun May 04, 2003 at 05:40:20 PM EST

    How is my quoted statement showing any sort of sign which indicates that I'm offended? I'm not offended that there are people on the internet that get all up in arms over some obviously over-the-top and self-harming humour. What I am offended by is when these people try to act like I'm the one making the game not fun, when I'm not the stick in the mud here.

    --------------------------

    "No escape from the mass mind rape
    Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
    " - RATM


    [ Parent ]
    you may be a stick in the mud (none / 0) (#213)
    by one time poster on Wed May 07, 2003 at 05:03:27 PM EST

    I think he was agreeing with your statement and and thanking you for it.

    You did end up being offended.  Maybe you should get off the internet.

    <g>
    ___________________

    That does it, I wont post again...


    [ Parent ]
    If he agreed (none / 0) (#214)
    by OddFox on Wed May 07, 2003 at 06:54:06 PM EST

    He sure as hell has an odd way of showing it.

    --------------------------

    "No escape from the mass mind rape
    Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
    " - RATM


    [ Parent ]
    azns? (none / 0) (#176)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:22:01 PM EST

    What's that? Damn, there might be some good, sick jokes there!

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    turmeric's back? :( (1.50 / 4) (#105)
    by eudas on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:47:28 PM EST

    i thought you left this site for good.

    pourquoi est-ce que tu es retourné?

    eudas
    "We're placing this wood in your ass for the good of the world" -- mrgoat
    [ Parent ]

    +1, laughed so hard I retched. (3.50 / 2) (#40)
    by Kasreyn on Fri May 02, 2003 at 03:12:49 AM EST

    "Other good songs are the Meow Mix jingle..."

    Laughed my balls off right there. I can just see the look on your victims' faces...


    -Kasreyn


    "Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
    We never asked to be born in the first place."

    R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
    You have balls? (none / 0) (#178)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:26:51 PM EST

    I promise not to tell your husband

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Meatbomb's favourite tactic (4.84 / 13) (#42)
    by Meatbomb on Fri May 02, 2003 at 04:28:06 AM EST

    I love playing Counterstrike, especially as a terrorist in a hostage format game.

    I am not a very good shot, my reflexes aren't so good, but in this format I can turn Counterstrike into an extremely irritating game of hide and seek, and win half the time.

    At spawn, run to the nearest hostage and grab him. Run off, to the darkest and most remote spot on the map. Perhaps you can stow your hostage under a remote stairway, or directly behing you in a tight crawlspace where you can easily kill all who poke their heads in?

    The funnest part is once everyone else on your team is dead, and you are well entrenched. They have rescued three hostages. This is the time for text messages such as "Where am I, with hostage number 4? Better find out soon, only 2m40s left."

    Repeat ad nauseum.

    _______________

    Good News for Liberal Democracy!

    So YOU'RE the one, eh? Bastard. (n/t) (4.83 / 6) (#45)
    by yammering communist on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:09:13 AM EST



    ---

    I fear nothing. I believe nothing. I am free.

    --Nikos Kazantzakis, epitaph.


    [ Parent ]
    Lol. Actually, being a meatbomb is a good tactic (4.75 / 4) (#47)
    by porkchop_d_clown on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:52:50 AM EST

    One of my coworkers likes to play "suicide bomber" when he's frustrated. Doesn't help him out any but it drives the other team nuts. Watching them scatter when ever he runs up is a hoot....


    --
    Fishing for Men, Trolling for Newbies, what's the difference?


    [ Parent ]
    counterstrike (none / 0) (#101)
    by eudas on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:37:10 PM EST

    1. that tactic is no longer valid as now, only CT's can touch hostages and induce them to move. terrorists are no longer able to move the hostages for this very reason.
    2. CT's only need to rescue 2 (two) hostages in order to win on a hostage-rescue map. the others are expendable and can be shot. therefore, a valid strategy to win the round is to rescue two and once they are actually rescued (as opposed to just touched and on their way to the rescue point) then the others are completely expendable and rescuing is optional. personally i would rather shoot the hostages and win the round than try to be arnold schwarzenegger and kill every terrorist on the map (thereby giving the t's a chance to win by killing all the ct's).
    eudas
    "We're placing this wood in your ass for the good of the world" -- mrgoat
    [ Parent ]
    all hostages are expendable (3.00 / 1) (#113)
    by Abominable Abitur on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:33:59 PM EST

    that's why you should kill all of them everytime.

    I hope this becomes the new world strategy to defeat terrorism.

    T:"We demand the release of our wrongly imprisoned brethren or we will kill the hostages!"
    CT:"Roger that. You've got thirty seconds before we open fire."
    T:"We've got hostages and we'll use them as shields!!!"
    CT:"Roger that, we'll go ahead and use flamethrowers then. Prepare to meet your maker heathen!"

    Eventually they'll realize that peaceful negotiations are their ONLY option. Well besides shutting the fuck up and getting on with their "lives."

    "Terrorism is only a viable "political activist" method for marginalized nutjobs, bottom line. The backlash that it causes makes it intractable for any reasonable ideology. Which is why you don't generally see wild athiest suicide bombers in america's streets." - lonelyhobo
    [ Parent ]

    amateur terrorists are the only hostage takers (none / 0) (#114)
    by eudas on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:40:24 PM EST

    personally i regard hostage-taking as a pretty idiotic strategy, and would use it only as a last resort. and even then, only as a distraction tactic while working furiously on a way to get the fuck away from there.

    seriously, what kind of moron thinks that taking hostages is a viable primary strategy to get what you want?

    i just don't get it.

    eudas
    "We're placing this wood in your ass for the good of the world" -- mrgoat
    [ Parent ]

    It worked sometimes (none / 0) (#140)
    by TheOnlyCoolTim on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:52:07 PM EST

    Like if you hijacked a plane in the days before the entire load of passengers would risk their lives to stop you, but that was mostly because you had your escape right there.

    Tim
    "We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."
    [ Parent ]

    YES! (none / 0) (#146)
    by nanobug on Sat May 03, 2003 at 02:56:07 AM EST

    I used to love it on the map where the ct's rush the house with the garage, if you'd take the hostages in there and put them up in front of the window in the garage and 2 in front of the door, so the door cant open, and just hold the fucking fort down.... great way to rack up kills.


    [ Parent ]
    \o \o \o \o \o \o \o [nt] (1.10 / 10) (#46)
    by anakata on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:28:02 AM EST


    Cogito, ergo infestus sum.
    For sheer joy... (4.25 / 4) (#49)
    by porkchop_d_clown on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:57:49 AM EST

    Nothing beat the original "Heretic" - turning a guy into a chicken then chasing him around with your crossbow. We'd laugh, and laugh, and laugh....


    --
    Fishing for Men, Trolling for Newbies, what's the difference?


    Chickenmod! (5.00 / 1) (#94)
    by z84976 on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:50:34 PM EST

    Turning people into chickens is certainly good sport... we do it in counter-strike all the time... here, check this out

    [ Parent ]
    Chickenizer (5.00 / 2) (#111)
    by bugmaster on Fri May 02, 2003 at 05:15:41 PM EST

    That's what we called it. "Morph Ovum" sounded too ponderous at the time. Our games usually went like this:
    Friend: Hey, let's exit this level already. We've been everywhere.
    Bugmaster: Yeah, right. So you can blow me away from inside the exit room where you're camping ?
    Friend: What ! I wouldn't do that, it's stupid. Come on, let's go.
    Bugmaster: Ok. (opens the exit door, throws in a chickenizer and ducks out of the way)
    Chicken: (running out of the exit door into a torrent of etherial crossbow death) DAMN YOUUUU !
    Man, these were the days.
    >|<*:=
    [ Parent ]
    This sir, is despicable (5.00 / 1) (#50)
    by coffee on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:02:30 AM EST

    And exactly what I do :) I remember in Team Fortress Classic I would be a spy and feign death in the doors of the spawn exit in 2fort, preventing anyone from leaving, pissed everyone off on my team, and others copied later. There used to be a funny site called Attack of the Llamas which would have people submit llama incidents. Llama of course, gamer slang for lamer. The team shooting is fun, especially if you ask "what did I do wrong?" when they try to vote to kick you (Vote to kick succeeded, but not enough players.). It's too bad patches ruins the fun, can't spam spawns anymore.
    Revolutionary Communist Party of America
    GO TO PANASONIC CROUTON RUBIK'S CUBE ATTACK!
    -1 too troll centric (nt) (3.00 / 12) (#51)
    by coffee on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:11:56 AM EST

    nt
    Revolutionary Communist Party of America
    GO TO PANASONIC CROUTON RUBIK'S CUBE ATTACK!
    And this one time, at band camp, (5.00 / 9) (#52)
    by Ripe Peach on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:54:55 AM EST

    I played Bill Shatner singing "Mr Tambourine Man" over the intercom until all the other girls beat me to death with bars of soap wrapped in towels.

    A friend of mine has a lot (5.00 / 2) (#55)
    by Quila on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:59:17 AM EST

    Of his and Nemoy's albums, including one they did together. The gem, of course, is The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (4MB QuickTime).

    Truly, truly awful.

    [ Parent ]

    I thought that song was banned (5.00 / 4) (#56)
    by Ripe Peach on Fri May 02, 2003 at 10:08:33 AM EST

    Under the Geneva Convention.  I bet we find a room full of CDs of it in Iraq.

    [ Parent ]
    taste (none / 0) (#163)
    by irrevenant on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:32:21 PM EST

    Referring to music as "bad" or "good" is pretty much pointless. It's possible to make some sort of technical artistic judgement on a song but that rarely equates to popularity. And popularity doesn't mean that you will enjoy a given song.

    If people listen to music that you consider 'shit' on the internet, so what? They almost certainly consider some of the music that YOU listen to, 'shit'.

    It's pointless to try to rank music on any sort of 'better' or 'worse' scale - other than one that's personal to you...

    [ Parent ]
    You haven't heard that song yet? (none / 0) (#202)
    by Quila on Mon May 05, 2003 at 06:14:54 AM EST

    It is truly awful.  No talk about individual taste is necessary, it's just that bad.

    It is entertaining in the sense of watching a car wreck, you just have to sit in amazement.

    My friend collects kitsch, and that's why he has that. He also has a girl band from some nothing coal-mining town. Their dad forced them to make a band even though none had any talent whatsoever. That's about the worst I've ever heard.

    [ Parent ]

    Recite poetry (5.00 / 4) (#57)
    by DodgyGeezer on Fri May 02, 2003 at 10:09:27 AM EST

    I heard a story on CBC radio a few months ago about some guy logging on to Medal of Honour (I think) servers and reciting poetry.  Well, war poetry to be precise, like the stuff by Siegfried Sassoon.  Positively subversive!  Of course, at first he got verbally assaulted for his efforts, but persistence had interesting results.  Unfortunately I can't find any information about this story... is anybody else familiar with it and able to expand on it?

    Quake II server a long tinme ago (none / 0) (#179)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:31:38 PM EST

    There was an LPB who was posessed mad skillz, and had a key bound to the entire lyric sheet for Metallica's Master of Puppets. Everytime he got a frag he would hit that key... and like I said, he was not only on a T1 but he was also skilled.

    Funny and annoying at the same time.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    poetry (none / 0) (#185)
    by majcher on Sat May 03, 2003 at 11:19:09 PM EST

    Google gives me this. Neat.
    --
    http://www.majcher.com/
    Wrestling pigs since 1988!
    [ Parent ]
    Diary of a Teamkiller... (3.44 / 9) (#58)
    by Psycho Dave on Fri May 02, 2003 at 10:38:50 AM EST

    In case anyone cares, this is my first post to K5...

    I absolutely suck at FPS, though, for some reason, I love to play them. That is mainly because I'm a shameless teamkiller.

    On Aliens vs. Predator 2, I was notorious for it. The multiplayer has so many flaws, no voting system, no IP ban, and if you add a combination of capital I's and lowercase L's to the end of your name, it's near impossible to get booted unless it's a dedicated server.

    I even created a whole persona for it. "Fred Fletcher". I trolled the AVP2 messages boards with justifications for teamkilling and spawnkilling left and right. I even posed as a recruit to one of their clans, just so I could get the password to their server and fuck up their match.

    Were these actions reprehensible? Absolutely. They also added months of enjoyment to that otherwise crappy game.

    Lately I've been playing Medal of Honor: Spearhead. I usually behave myself because they DO have things like IP bans, voting systems, autokick after killing a certain number of teammates etc.

    Every once in awhile though, I do enjoy what I call the "Palestinian Gambit". Basically, at the start of an objective match when your team all spawn together, pull out a grenade and hold it just a little too long. It takes out you and everyone else nearby. Then spend the rest of the match laughing at all the people who screaming about kicking your ass, even though they probably aren't even in the same state.

    Shouts out to Fluxrad, who always hates it when I admit to this behavior.

    Great tactic, but do you have to call it that? (none / 0) (#123)
    by Lady Zoot on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:21:17 PM EST

    I mean, really. I hate to be PC, I in fact try to avoid it, but naming it after suicide bombers is insulting to both we Palestinians who don't support terrorism (the vast majority) and those Israelis who have been slaughtered. That said, rock on. Have you thought of a catchphrase to shout before hand?
    "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
    [ Parent ]
    What the...? WHERE THE FUCK DID I PUT THE PIN?? (4.00 / 1) (#144)
    by Mr Spot on Sat May 03, 2003 at 12:22:43 AM EST



    [ Parent ]
    Because "Kamikaze" is antiquated... (none / 0) (#148)
    by Psycho Dave on Sat May 03, 2003 at 03:29:45 AM EST

    Get with the times.

    [ Parent ]
    the patient demo-man (4.00 / 1) (#188)
    by majcher on Sun May 04, 2003 at 01:35:38 AM EST

    One of the guys we used to play Team Fortress Classic with used to do that all the time.  Demolition man, hold the MIRV grenade, and run toward someone yelling "Gimme a hug!" like Dr. Evil.

    GIMME A HUG!  BOOOOM!

    Still makes me happy, to this day.
    --
    http://www.majcher.com/
    Wrestling pigs since 1988!
    [ Parent ]

    hehe (1.00 / 1) (#130)
    by Lenny on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:37:59 PM EST

    IP bans only work when you you have one IP. Go to anonymizer and/or any multitute of other anonymous surfing sites. You can usually sign up for a trial period. Make a new account and have fun. Repeat as necessary. Not that I've ever done that...


    "Hate the USA? Boycott everything American. Particularly its websites..."
    -Me
    [ Parent ]
    Since when... (5.00 / 1) (#141)
    by damiam on Fri May 02, 2003 at 10:20:12 PM EST

    Can you play a FPS game through a web proxy?

    [ Parent ]
    If you don't care about dying (none / 0) (#181)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:35:33 PM EST

    use dialup. New IP every time you connect.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    In case anyone cares, this is my first post to K5. (none / 0) (#180)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:32:44 PM EST

    Hey what a coincidence, me too. Can I date your mom?

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    was you name Pavlov in MoH ? (none / 0) (#216)
    by apleks on Thu May 08, 2003 at 10:16:19 AM EST

    ... cause I seem to remember an unstable guy named Pavlov in some MoH:AA[S] games, I think I've freaked a couple of times on your name ;)

    Does the name Lt. BOFH ring a bell ?

    [ Parent ]

    In a word, yes. (2.00 / 3) (#61)
    by sllort on Fri May 02, 2003 at 11:15:46 AM EST

    Only retards play computer games; therefore you should expect retarded behavior.

    Or, like egg troll, you should revel in it. I salute him.
    --
    Warning: On Lawn is a documented liar.

    Truly funny (5.00 / 1) (#62)
    by coffee on Fri May 02, 2003 at 11:16:53 AM EST

    I remember in Battlefield 1942 on one of the pacific maps everyone was fighting over planes on the aircraft carrier because it takes a while for them to spawn.  So I finally got a plane and friendly fire was on, and people had shot me when I got to the plane.  So I managed to take off, and I turned around and swooped down low on the deck and hit a few of my teammates, and continued doing it everytime they were up there waiting for a plane.
    Revolutionary Communist Party of America
    GO TO PANASONIC CROUTON RUBIK'S CUBE ATTACK!
    BF1942 (4.33 / 6) (#74)
    by CaptainSuperBoy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:47:52 PM EST

    There are a ton of ways to piss off your teammates in BF1942 if you are an asshole. You could drive your ships into each other, put detpacks on your airfield's runway, crash planes into each other, or sit in an AA gun and shoot teammates as they take off. I haven't played since 1.1 and I believe they fixed some of the blatant ways to mess up your team and made vote kicking easier. I would not do any of these things though.

    Even though pissing off teammates is kind of funny, I do think people who do this stuff are complete assholes. I hardly play games anymore but when I do, it's after I come home from work, I'm tired and I just want to have some fun for an hour or two. Then some punk kid has to come in and ruin everyone's fun. You say "it's just a game," but for me that's the whole point of it. I used to have a problem with spending too much of my time playing games. Now I rarely play games and when I do, I want them to be fun. If I told you I stopped going to my public golf course because it was overrun by loud obnoxious kids who didn't respect the rules of the course, you wouldn't tell me "it's just a game." Games really aren't important in my life, but I still don't want to give them up because of some hooligans.

    --
    jimmysquid.com - I take pictures.
    [ Parent ]

    it's just a game (nt) ;-P (1.25 / 4) (#80)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:10:25 PM EST



    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]
    Sir, (2.75 / 4) (#82)
    by CaptainSuperBoy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:15:05 PM EST

    Please stop stalking me. The horses are getting spooked.

    --
    jimmysquid.com - I take pictures.
    [ Parent ]
    i quote (2.75 / 4) (#86)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:24:12 PM EST

    "You take this site entirely too seriously."

    http://www.kuro5hin.org/comments/2003/4/30/20958/1184/79#79

    "You say 'it's just a game,' but for me that's the whole point of it."

    http://www.kuro5hin.org/comments/2003/5/1/221659/6164/74#74

    which is it hypocrit?


    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]

    Hm (3.50 / 4) (#115)
    by CaptainSuperBoy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:00:25 PM EST

    Games are amusing. K5 is amusing. I take neither of them very seriously, but it's still annoying when someone messes them up.

    --
    jimmysquid.com - I take pictures.
    [ Parent ]
    hypocrisy (1.00 / 3) (#124)
    by circletimessquare on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:23:53 PM EST

    more amusing than mixing up games and kuro5hin, is the inability to see your own hypocrisy at taking it so seriously/ unseriously

    look:

    i don't mind being ignored

    i don't mind being insulted

    it's the hypocrisy that bothers me

    if i'm so serious and your so unserious

    why the hell are you talking to me?

    ignore me, insult me, but don't profess to be holier than thou as you proceed to do exactly the same things i do.

    that's what bothers me. get it, hypocrit? ;-)

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

    smooches
     

    The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

    [ Parent ]

    The peak of online gaming is the spray in (none / 0) (#64)
    by noogie on Fri May 02, 2003 at 11:48:04 AM EST

    halflife and friends.


    *** ANONYMIZED BY THE EVIL KUROFIVEHIN MILITARY JUNTA ***
    Accusations of homosexuality (4.16 / 6) (#66)
    by gbd on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:01:44 PM EST

    I used to do the exact opposite.

    In the CTF-Facing Worlds Unreal Tournament map (among others), there is a particularly lame tactic known as "piston camping" where you stand at the exit of a teleporter with your piston charged. Whenever somebody comes through the teleporter, they are immediately slaughtered, and there's really nothing they can do about it. Whenever I found somebody doing this, I would immediately accuse them of homosexuality. [1]

    gbd: Dude, stop piston camping. That's lame.
    piston camper: fuk u whiner
    gbd: Only homosexuals piston camp.
    pc: fuk u asshole
    gbd: What do you think you're doing up there, holding your throbbing piston and waiting for other guys to run into it?
    pc: huh?? fuk u
    gbd: Sounds like somebody needs to catch up on their Freud. This is one of those cases where a cigar is not "just a cigar."
    pc: what??
    gbd: Look, nobody cares what you do, who you do, or when you do it to them. Just keep it out of the game, okay?
    pc: fuk u

    Sometimes people would actually stop camping after exchanges like this. Most times, however, they wouldn't. Most piston campers are beyond help.

    [1] Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    --
    Gunter glieben glauchen globen.

    Turn off infinite ammo (5.00 / 2) (#84)
    by DodgyGeezer on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:21:36 PM EST

    That's why you've got to play on servers with infinite ammo turned off.  They'll have to move eventually that way.

    [ Parent ]
    Not a Solution (none / 0) (#199)
    by MyrddinE on Sun May 04, 2003 at 06:51:01 PM EST

    The Piston does not use ammo. It's the melee weapon in Unreal Tournament.

    [ Parent ]
    Just go up the other way and kill them (none / 0) (#133)
    by KWillets on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:51:07 PM EST

    On Face it's not too hard to get up the other way.

    I took out a few campers just by going through right after another guy, before the air hammer gets fully charged again.

    I think you can also go through with the air hammer yourself and get mutual assured destruction.  

    Or, you can always fly a redeemer up there and vaporize the little bugger.  

    Does going through sideways or backwards work?  I don't have UT installed currently, but it seems plausible.


    [ Parent ]

    Translocator (none / 0) (#209)
    by snodgrass on Tue May 06, 2003 at 02:53:45 PM EST

    Does going through sideways or backwards work?

    Nope, but you can always translocate up the outside of the tower. Piston campers make easy telefrags.

    [ Parent ]

    LOL! (none / 0) (#182)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:43:03 PM EST

    [1] Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    I find the ones who are PC about homophobia ore usually the most homophobic. I make a non-threatening joke, or ask a serious question, and they're all aver my ass. Er, maybe I should rephrase that...

    And then Michael Crawford writes a very good piece about insanity and these same PC police who are so homophobiaphobic are talking trash about the mentally ill. I do a diary asking people to leave aluminum cans for the homeless and they're upset that I'm not making bum jokes.

    Fucking cows.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    On music (4.57 / 7) (#73)
    by TheOnlyCoolTim on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:39:39 PM EST

    Once, when Half-Life's voice chat patch had recently come out, I got half a server singing "Yellow Submarine" with me.

    Tim
    "We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."

    Superb Article (none / 0) (#78)
    by TerranceDaktill on Fri May 02, 2003 at 12:56:36 PM EST

    If I see EggTroll on a TFC server I'm going to kill his ass with a EMP grenade and have a wry smile on my face. You've taken the game to the next level. ;-)

    An EMP grenade? (5.00 / 1) (#83)
    by egg troll on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:15:20 PM EST

    As a medic an EMP grenade won't really do much besides give me a momentary tingling sensation, much akin to touching the screen of a television that's been on for a while. Indeed, you'll be hard pressed to get out of respawn. For I, Egg Troll the Medic, will camp in front of your respawn door infecting your teammates as they appear.

    Of course your teammates first reaction will be to reverse direction back into their respawn. Only know they're infected. As will be anyone else who reappears in respawn. While your team is figuring out who to blame for turning respawn into an Ebola-esque hot zone, I'll be conc jumping my way up to the flag, then across the map for an easy score.

    He's a bondage fan, a gastronome, a sensualist
    Unparalleled for sinister lasciviousness.

    [ Parent ]

    Yep, an EMP grenade. (none / 0) (#221)
    by Tzaquiel on Tue May 13, 2003 at 03:25:05 PM EST

    As a medic an EMP grenade won't really do much besides give me a momentary tingling sensation, much akin to touching the screen of a television that's been on for a while. Indeed, you'll be hard pressed to get out of respawn. For I, Egg Troll the Medic, will camp in front of your respawn door infecting your teammates as they appear.

    Know this, Egg Troll : that thin little respawn door will not be enough to protect you from the EMP's blast radius. And even if you've dropped enough ammo to reduce the effect of one EMP to a 'tingle', two are enough to kill any Medic I've ever met. And given that I usually play Engie or Demo, I've killed my share of medics.

    Outside of that, you need to watch out for the autoguns in respawn. Unless you're playing Avanti. That's a good map for AIDS-spam. :')


    "Ouch ! What do you do ?"
    [ Parent ]

    If I had had a chance to vote. (none / 0) (#81)
    by explodingheadboy on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:12:53 PM EST

    It would have been +FP, you're revitalized my love for Half-Life and its mods.

    But, somethings missing, what about Natural Selection?

    ---
    Q: If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?
    A: None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!

    [*rmg is dying]

    NS (none / 0) (#156)
    by rmn on Sat May 03, 2003 at 04:20:43 PM EST

    Natural Selection? Go commander and build a million IPs / CCs (recycle the rest of the base if you don't have enough resources), or go Gorge and build MCs on top of the resource nodes.

    Wait... people already do that naturally, out of sheer incompetence, so I guess it wouldn't be very original.

    [ Parent ]

    bannable offence, tho, by wonid [n/t] (none / 0) (#212)
    by eurasian on Wed May 07, 2003 at 03:23:46 PM EST



    [ Parent ]
    Er...? (none / 0) (#217)
    by rmn on Sat May 10, 2003 at 01:46:56 PM EST

    What exactly is that supposed to mean? On some servers, saying "shit" is a "bannable offence". On others, playing better than the admin is a "bannable offence".

    It's not like NS (or TFC, etc.) has any automatic lamer detection that bans people. Maybe in HL2... ;)


    [ Parent ]

    play music (none / 0) (#89)
    by auraslip on Fri May 02, 2003 at 01:37:17 PM EST

    with gun fire.
    Mostly just "Fox in the chicken house"
    or the 1812 syphony...but I think you could get creative.

    That or I throw as many smoke grenades as possible in the spawn and then make some obscure refrence to drugs.
    124

    Most fps games are based on fraud . (2.25 / 8) (#97)
    by Fen on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:06:59 PM EST

    Because they are based on copyrights that stop information from being shared. America's Army is a notable exception (good game too!). I would just argue that a closed source, digital restriction managed game is illogical to play.
    --Self.
    Information doesn't want to be free! (4.83 / 6) (#100)
    by PylonHead on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:34:45 PM EST

    It wants to be tied up and spanked. It told me so itself, in a naughty little whisper.

    [ Parent ]
    And what's worse: (none / 0) (#153)
    by fluffy grue on Sat May 03, 2003 at 02:58:11 PM EST

    They all use decimal for their status displays!!#$!@$
    --
    "Is not a quine" is not a quine.
    I have a master's degree in science!

    [ Hug Your Trikuare ]
    [ Parent ]

    I feel the same way about women. nt (5.00 / 1) (#161)
    by Work on Sat May 03, 2003 at 07:42:02 PM EST

    nt

    [ Parent ]
    illogical? (none / 0) (#208)
    by Shren on Mon May 05, 2003 at 06:12:24 PM EST

    That's an odd choice of words. Why 'illogical'?

    [ Parent ]
    information isn't property (none / 0) (#210)
    by Fen on Tue May 06, 2003 at 05:54:20 PM EST

    Because information is being restricted when it wants to be easily copied. It's like trying to make it property, which it isn't.
    --Self.
    [ Parent ]
    yes, but what's "logical" (none / 0) (#215)
    by Shren on Thu May 08, 2003 at 02:46:57 AM EST

    I think it's 'logical' to play the games I most enjoy, because the point of playing a game is to have fun.

    [ Parent ]

    OMG!!11 (1.66 / 3) (#98)
    by cinematique on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:09:11 PM EST

    Hey chesh!
    We shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed & love of power. - O'Rourke
    OMFGLOLOLOLROFLMAOA/S/L??!?!!!!11 (2.50 / 2) (#106)
    by egg troll on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:57:20 PM EST

    Turd burglar. :)

    He's a bondage fan, a gastronome, a sensualist
    Unparalleled for sinister lasciviousness.

    [ Parent ]

    clan killer (3.00 / 2) (#104)
    by potmos on Fri May 02, 2003 at 02:43:30 PM EST

    My favorite FPS troll action was to join a server with multiple clan members and become their clan killers. I would just add a "k" to the end of their clan name and proceed with other trolling techniques. Other players would start badmouthing the clan because the didn't notice the "k", or I'd get a lot of crying about changing my nick. Some people would actully challenge me to a 1v1 match, where if I loss, I would have to change my nick.

    Supply-side trolling. (4.92 / 13) (#108)
    by valeko on Fri May 02, 2003 at 04:30:01 PM EST

    Back in the day (meaning, a few years ago) I used to be heavily into Quake mods, although not with any spark of graphic creativity. I frequently experimented, though subtly, with the Quakeworld server that I hosted for my friends and I to play on - I really liked QuakeC.

    So yeah, once I ripped off a plane MDL from AirQuake and implemented this entire feature in Chthon's House (e1m7) where an impulse code of only my knowing triggered the appearance of a plane high in the sky, near the lightning rafters. The plane was guided (via a normalised curve) toward a location which I could set by pointing a "laser pointer" mod that I stole from somewhere at it. The plane would have all kinds of bombs and grenades and rockets falling from it, not to mention nail turrets that annihilated anything within a certain (reasonable) radius.

    The apparition of these mysterious airstrikes (they didn't know I was causing them) mystified the hell out of my friends. Sure, I could've just put in code that vapourised them all, but that's no fun; it's far more aggravating to be on the rocket platform duking it out with someone and suddenly have a slow-moving jet plane come out of nowhere and bomb you.

    That, and my other exploits, are most definitely supply-side trolls. Another, smaller-scale troll involved making supply backpacks left by dead players explode.

    "Hey, what's sanity got going for it anyways?" -- infinitera, on matters of the heart

    what about the homing rockets? (5.00 / 2) (#128)
    by raaymoose on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:23:50 PM EST

    Those were great because it took forever for anyone to actually realise what they did.

    [ Parent ]
    Those were good. (none / 0) (#132)
    by valeko on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:43:35 PM EST

    But those were mainly good as a team conspiracy, less so as a troll. A troll has more overt characteristics, usually, rather than just being a way to cheat.

    "Hey, what's sanity got going for it anyways?" -- infinitera, on matters of the heart
    [ Parent ]

    More (4.00 / 2) (#109)
    by Actifish on Fri May 02, 2003 at 04:59:19 PM EST

    Team Fortress Classic:
    There is a map called dustbowl where you have to take a flag from your base and bring it to the end of the enemy base. So, grab the flag and hide in your base. It will be a while before they realize that the flag isn't being moved towards the enemy base. They will have to find you, and to top it off, they will have to convince the whole of your team to let the enemy through to kill you. Much funny involved. Of course, when they finally wrestle the flag from your grasp, you go get the flag and do it again, thereby driving most players to insanity.

    There used to be a trick where you could damage your own team by priming a grenade and then changing teams. Much fun was had by killing your own team's sentry guns. The trick was fixed in a recent patch.

    Retrieve the flag from the enemy base and keep it. Note: this requires skill.

    Counterstrike:
    Kill hostages. Take the bomb and hide. Kill teammates. Basically, try to aspire to the role granted to you by the game and become a virtual terrorist.
    --
    Vivez sans temps mort!

    I'm taking a stand (4.63 / 11) (#116)
    by coljac on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:25:16 PM EST

    Tongue in cheek as this article may be, I can't let it go without saying something about griefers, even if I'm talking to myself. Here then is an Open Letter to the Griefers.

    First off, I hate you all, scum, scum, scum, and I hope lots of slightly painful and inconvenient things plague you for years to come. What's wrong with you people? You're the kind of people who as kids put rocks on the railroad tracks and then hid hoping the train would derail.

    Secondly, (scum), this is doing a lot of damage to the online gaming community. Personally, I have been one of the biggest players and supporters of online gaming around for years and years, but now I hardly bother; not only is every single game plagued with griefers (scum), but the types of people who play are getting less and less friendly and mature. While no doubt a majority of players are nice people, the vocal minority of antisocial types is becoming more of a problem as the games themselves get more complex and require more social interaction - such as voice communications and teamwork. Sure it's one thing to have gotten rid of coljac - good riddance you say - but if I'm getting sick of it you can be the newbies are getting discouraged very quickly. And if I were a woman I would never play a FPS, ever. Remember, as the griefers themselves point out, it's pretty easy for just one person to wreck it for the whole server, and the rude insulting comments will be remembered more than the helpful tips or silences.

    Thirdly, all you griefers are invariably cheaters as well. What does that say about your personal character? In Vegas, they break the wrists of people like you. Have some guts and compete on a level playing field. Take some real enjoyment out of the game, instead of just killing time. Or are you just a stupid, pothead clown with no pride?

    Well, I've said my piece. I guess I'll go back to playing Morrowind now.



    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey

    Vegas...Fair? (none / 0) (#119)
    by delusion on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:47:46 PM EST

    I dont think that was the best comparison, since most games are stacked in favor of the house anyway.

    [ Parent ]
    At least the house plays by the rules (5.00 / 2) (#121)
    by coljac on Fri May 02, 2003 at 06:59:27 PM EST

    And I liked the idea of the people who, for example, camp in the hangars of BF1942 in tanks shooting the planes, being cattle-prodded and worked over in the back rooms of a casino basement.



    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
    [ Parent ]

    A reply (1.70 / 10) (#131)
    by gazbo on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:38:49 PM EST

    Secondly, (scum), this is doing a lot of damage to the online gaming community.

    So the fuck what? If you can't take a joke, fuck you. It's not like the Middle East is going to fail to settle because you can't play a game of fucking Tetris or whatever the fuck it's cool for the kids to play now.

    And if I were a woman I would never play a FPS, ever

    Well what a fucking paradigm shift!

    First off, I hate you all, scum, scum, scum, and I hope lots of slightly painful and inconvenient things plague you for years to come. What's wrong with you people? You're the kind of people who as kids put rocks on the railroad tracks and then hid hoping the train would derail.

    YH fucking B fucking T so god-damned fucking badly it almost burns my multiplayer FPS virginal eyes.

    -----
    Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
    Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

    [ Parent ]

    Selfish? (5.00 / 1) (#135)
    by ThoughtMachine on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:04:07 PM EST

    Your point seems to be that you do not care because it is not hurting you.

    So what is an activity that you enjoy? And what if a small number of jerks were hurting your enjoyment of that activity?

    I personally do not play online games either, but that does not mean that I do not care about someone else's suffering. As a matter of fact, perhaps if more people cared about the suffering of others, peace in the Middle East would be easier to achieve.


    Rate low? Why so? It's bad form to rate low and run.
    [ Parent ]
    Dear Griefer Sympathizer (3.33 / 3) (#136)
    by coljac on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:11:53 PM EST

    So the fuck what? If you can't take a joke, fuck you

    I can take a joke as well as the next guy. How is griefing a "joke"? Anyway, what if I took a dump on the driver's seat of your car, and when you got upset I told you to go fuck yourself for not having a sense of humor?

    YH fucking B fucking T

    Screw the story, I'm using this as my soapbox to have my say about griefers who have wrecked my favorite pastime. That's what k5 is for. Besides, if I was afraid of feeding trolls I'd never post on k5 at all.



    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
    [ Parent ]

    Dear Online Gamer (1.80 / 10) (#138)
    by Hide The Hamster on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:30:57 PM EST

    Pull the cock out of your ass.


    Free spirits are a liability.

    August 8, 2004: "it certainly is" and I had engaged in a homosexual tryst.

    [ Parent ]
    Hamster jealousy (none / 0) (#145)
    by Spendocrat on Sat May 03, 2003 at 01:43:28 AM EST

    It's an ugly thing.

    [ Parent ]
    Look at the comment rating (5.00 / 1) (#147)
    by coljac on Sat May 03, 2003 at 03:01:07 AM EST

    K5's standards for "discussion" aren't that high any more, are they. :)



    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
    [ Parent ]

    suggestion (none / 0) (#134)
    by jolt rush soon on Fri May 02, 2003 at 08:56:07 PM EST

    i'm not sure if this is a trolling of a troll's story but i would like to make a suggestion; play quake 3 arena. i'm not sure why exactly but on all the servers that i play on (european ones mostly) everyone's strangely friendly. maybe it's because all violence is taken out in the actual game but after the game's over (and often in the game) the remarks are usually 'good game' and 'well played'. i don't have many first hand experience of others but most of my friends complain about it in counter-strike.
    --
    Subosc — free electronic music.
    [ Parent ]
    Thanks for the suggestion (5.00 / 2) (#137)
    by coljac on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:18:08 PM EST

    Counter-Strike is unplayable now. Everyone runs round (ironically) like a quake player, anyone who tries to use strategy is lambasted with that ultimate CS epithet, "Camper!" ("Fag" goes without saying.)

    Maybe I'll try WFA or Q3F again.

    P.S. I hope I'm not a troll. It was an honest rant.

    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
    [ Parent ]

    where do you play? (5.00 / 1) (#142)
    by Danse on Fri May 02, 2003 at 11:16:50 PM EST

    In my experience, the tone of the server is really set by the admins. If you have immature, annoying admins, then the server will attract immature, annoying players. The reverse is also true. I've played CS and UT on some really nice servers where everyone got along great, cheating really wasn't a problem, and people didn't intentionally try to annoy each other. It's all a matter of finding the right place to play.






    An honest debate between Bush and Kerry
    [ Parent ]
    LOL! (none / 0) (#183)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:53:24 PM EST

    You're the kind of people who as kids put rocks on the railroad tracks and then hid hoping the train would derail.

    And then call you a homophobe for making a joke about gays!

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Dude... (none / 0) (#184)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:56:45 PM EST

    have you seen the author's sig?

    You just got trolled. I agree with you, but it's pointless to respond responsibly to a troll. Just find another thread or troll back.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
    [ Parent ]

    Well, duh. :) (none / 0) (#187)
    by coljac on Sun May 04, 2003 at 12:57:45 AM EST

    But where else am I going to have a chance to vent?

    Besides, it's not like I have a reputation to damage.



    ---
    Whether or not life is discovered there I think Jupiter should be declared an enemy planet. - Jack Handey
    [ Parent ]

    Dunno about that.... (none / 0) (#192)
    by palagrino on Sun May 04, 2003 at 10:50:10 AM EST

    The second part, I mean.

    We had a fairly decent machine setup on the office network for rtcw (excellent ping times for a lot of folks). The server was setup to handle about 48 players at once, and I did some tweaking to get the networking speeds optimized as much as possible. It didn't take long for us to get popular and for folks to start flooding in.

    Along with the decent players came the griefers, naturally. At the end of the day, everything we tried to discourage the griefers only ended up putting a kink in regular gameplay. Put up a rule to get rid of the dorks throwing air strikes every chance the get, and suddenly you get good players getting kicked because a gaggle of noobs runs straight into the smoking grenade. Try setting it up so that you take any damage you inflict on a teammate, and I guarantee you there will be some noob who stands right next to the dynamite right before it goes off. Turn off voting, and people will stop coming when the server gets stuck on mp_beach all weekend and that just gets boring.

    At the end of the day, all we managed to do was to weed out the bottom level (the griefers) and the top level players, leaving a server full of nothing but noobs and mediocre players. As a result, people stopped coming and now stands empty most of the time.

    Moral of the story: You need to take the good with the bad. Yes, they're annoying, but just cowboy up and go play the game.



    [ Parent ]
    Nods to the good server admins everywhere (5.00 / 1) (#196)
    by RevLoveJoy on Sun May 04, 2003 at 02:17:01 PM EST

    I just started playing CounterStrike again this weekend after a long (years?) haitus. I did this because a friend of mine runs a great CS server out of California (warmfuzzyland.com for those interested, thanks Mikey!).

    I originally stopped playing CS in a phased manner. As many have noted, the 1:100 griefer to player ratio really was enough to spoil the experience. I did not quit all at once; it was gradual - I just didn't enjoy CS anymore, so I did something else (usually yardwork).

    So my friend says, "dude, RLJ, check out our server, we've got a good ballance system, voting, dedicated admins who Play the Game and the latest anti-cheat code. It's a Good Thing" - he was right.

    CS is a bit unique, as Valve Software has contributed to the community much more than most code houses would after their game has shipped. In a big way, their contributions have kept the community alive, by giving server admins the tools they need to make that 1% inneffective.

    My point here is that in many online games, a lack of support from the developers hamstrings the community. CS is a good model for a fix to this. Second, having mass bandwidth is not enough. Shock: running a good online game server takes time and some attention.

    Thanks to all those out there who work hard to make online gaming fun. And yeah, I'll sink to their level, fuck you griefers, fuck you right in the ear.

    -- RLJ

    Every political force in the U.S. that seeks to get past the Constitution by sophistry or technicality is little more than a wannabe king. -- pyro9
    [ Parent ]

    PotHead? (none / 0) (#225)
    by someguyjohn on Thu May 29, 2003 at 01:57:36 PM EST

    You ignorant fucking clown. What a fucking hypocrite. You bemoan the "rude insulting comments" of griefers, yet you proceed to call them "stupid, pothead clown(s)"? Not all asshole griefers are potheads and not a single pothead I know is a griefer. In fact, I'd go as far to say that it is your kind, you ignorant pot-fearing sheep, that are the majority of the griefers. Fuck you. 'Pothead' is not an insult to assclown griefers, but calling them one, is an insult to real potheads. Get a clue, you cannibiphobic, ignorant tool. Oooooh, DARE said pot was bad, it must be true. Ass.

    [ Parent ]
    COMPLETLY unrelated... but I have to share. (3.50 / 6) (#122)
    by skintigh on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:02:36 PM EST

    I suppose this could be related as trolling in real life (and it's concequences), but while reading this article I had some chain of thought not worth repeating that reminded me of The *Greatest* Story I ever heard: A friend of mine went to Northeastern, and his dorm had some weird ventilation where you could open a window to an air tunnel, thus and hear what everyone else was doing if they had their window open, too. Some guy was dating a hot girl, and they would do it with the window open, which was probably sheer torture to all the geek types who couldn't get any girl, nevermind hotty. Or maybe it was just annoying and I'm projecting. Anyway, they were asked to not do it again with the window open, but they did it again and again. (trolling reference) Until, that is, when parent's day rolled around and an angry geek blasted down the vent a recording of what was distinctly them in the act while they writhed in front of their parents. Brings a tear to my eye every time I think of it. I think there was more to the story, like the girl could never show her face in that dorm again, but I get stuck in dream state with a huge grin imagining the girl squirming. Moral: never torture a creative, smart person with a lot of time on their hands (i.e. geek) No, it wasn't me.

    You know (4.42 / 7) (#139)
    by gazbo on Fri May 02, 2003 at 09:34:08 PM EST

    I AM THE NIGERIAN SON OF MGUBTSAWE TSANGAWEAND I HAVE $150,000,000 OF WHICH I CAN SHARE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A CHRISTIAN MAN.

    What? If anyone's gonna believe it, he is.

    -----
    Topless, revealing, nude pics and vids of Zora Suleman! Upskirt and down blouse! Cleavage!
    Hardcore ZORA SULEMAN pics!

    [ Parent ]

    Um. (3.66 / 3) (#150)
    by sdem on Sat May 03, 2003 at 09:34:14 AM EST

    Nice story?

    "the troll band is a cross between mr. rogers neighorhood and riker's island" - tacomacide
    [ Parent ]
    Real life trolling (4.66 / 6) (#126)
    by smallstepforman on Fri May 02, 2003 at 07:59:46 PM EST

    Back in my army days (I was conscripted), I ended up being responsible for the PA system. Every morning when I'd play the 'wake up trumpet melody', I'd usually afterwards play (at full blast at 5:01am) some 'give peace a chance', 'throw down your guns' music. Understandably, this didn't last too long...

    WHat about (none / 0) (#228)
    by Cackmobile on Wed Jun 18, 2003 at 08:19:15 AM EST

    WAR...what is it good for.

    [ Parent ]
    Wrong title (2.75 / 4) (#143)
    by UnConeD on Sat May 03, 2003 at 12:02:29 AM EST

    The title should be "Egg Troll's Guide to Online Team-based FPS Games". There are non-teambased FPS games, and *GASP* there are non-online FPS games (and most of them are actually pretty cool because focus went into atmosphere and storyline rather than making sure there are no bugs for the kiddies to exploit).

    I tried multiplayer a couple of times but I have yet to see a game that doesn't consist of repetitive, my-****-is-bigger-than-your-**** gameplay.

    -1. No sense of humor. [nt] (5.00 / 3) (#152)
    by porkchop_d_clown on Sat May 03, 2003 at 02:53:03 PM EST


    --
    Fishing for Men, Trolling for Newbies, what's the difference?


    [ Parent ]
    Game mods that must be made (4.90 / 10) (#149)
    by Psycho Dave on Sat May 03, 2003 at 03:58:13 AM EST

    Years ago, I came across a mod for the original Doom called "Legalize It Doom". Instead of zombie space marines, you had to shoot DEA agents and collect the bongs throughout the level to increase health and armor.

    Rise of the Triad, of course, had the great "'Shroom Mode".

    Game mods should be a new form of political protest. Just look at that Desert Strike or whatever it's called where you have to assassinate Saddam Hussien (an already dated title which I'll probably pick up in the cut out bin at EB for 20 bucks next week, just for nostalgia value) or America's Army.

    In that spirit, let me propose the following mods...

    Serious Sam--Gaza Strip

    A no brainer, just give the bombers headtowels and change the weapons to our good old American made ones. So we don't look like complete Zionist pigs, put some innocent bystanders in he levels too, and lose "Propaganda Points" if you tag too many of them.

    In multiplayers, you get to be either Israeli or Palestinian. Israelis, of course, have the best firepower, but the Palestinians get explosives and unlimited lives.

    Terrorist Flight Simulator

    Micro$oft was busy after 9/11 taking the WTC out of their Flight Simulator. We say, TAKE IT OUT YOURSELF! Pilot you freshly hijacked 747 towards the symbols of American capitalist imperialism while dodging the F-16's trying to shoot you down. To add to the action, you have a time limit before the passengers wise up and "Let's Roll" on your ass. The end animation will, of course, show you flying from the debris of the two towers into paradise with your 70 virgins and Allah giving you a thumbs up. If your unsuccessful, listen to John Ashcroft sing that atrocious "Let the Eagle Soar" song.

    America's Army--Basra

    Prevent the Fedayeen from gunning down innocent Iraqis out to celebrate the American "liberation" of their country. As Op-For, your goal is to gun down hardline Baath party members protesting the American "occupation". Try and frag as few, or as many civilians as you can depending on what side you choose. Difficulty level depends on the news coverage by embedded reporters. The easiest setting is Fox News, hardest is Al-Jazeera (vice versa for Op-For).

    9-11 (none / 0) (#227)
    by Cackmobile on Wed Jun 18, 2003 at 08:17:35 AM EST

    i would love to fly the spetember 11 mission. i would have thought someone would have made it a long time ago. As bad taste as it is.

    [ Parent ]
    FPS blow. (2.00 / 6) (#151)
    by StrifeZ on Sat May 03, 2003 at 12:14:57 PM EST

    FPS games are for pansies.

    The true future of gaming as anything more than it is lies in 3rd person fixed perspective, story driven single player games. First person is an ugly cop out.

    /me points to http://www.alien-legion.com

    If anyone is going to give me flak for shameless promotion, bite down on it.


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    Man (none / 0) (#154)
    by fluffy grue on Sat May 03, 2003 at 03:01:18 PM EST

    That website takes "this link opens in a new window" to a ridiculous extreme.

    What's the point of opening up every link in a new window?

    Oh, and the game artwork looks like "MY FIRST UNREAL TC."
    --
    "Is not a quine" is not a quine.
    I have a master's degree in science!

    [ Hug Your Trikuare ]
    [ Parent ]

    Site and art. (none / 0) (#160)
    by StrifeZ on Sat May 03, 2003 at 07:02:23 PM EST

    1) The window popup thing is the only way we could work with how the main site is designed. You're the first person to ever complain about it. We might redo the mainpage as frames instead of cells, which would allow the sadly limited text area to scroll.

    2) Its not a TC. We're working with a publisher at the moment on further funding and worldwide publishing rights. The game will be in stores in about a year.

    3) Yeah the art is old. its been around since it was an Unreal TC... an Unreal 1 TC way back in 1998. So in essance, yeah, it started as my first Unreal TC actually. Those drawings were just to show some background behind the making of the game. The screenshots, as you can see, are brand now.

    Thanks for your interest!


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    [ Parent ]
    Responses (none / 0) (#169)
    by fluffy grue on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:58:25 PM EST

    The window pop-up thing is a sign that the site is badly-designed. What the hell kind of site design would require that sort of crap?

    I didn't say it was a TC, I said it looks like "MY FURST UNREALE TC." That it looked like an amateurish thing.

    I'm not interested in it. I just thought I'd comment on what you seem to think is "the future of gaming."


    --
    "Is not a quine" is not a quine.
    I have a master's degree in science!

    [ Hug Your Trikuare ]
    [ Parent ]

    You're the first person to ever complain about it. (none / 0) (#186)
    by monkeymind on Sat May 03, 2003 at 11:24:41 PM EST

    Count me as the second.

    I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people and assume the deserve it.
    [ Parent ]

    Fixed (none / 0) (#189)
    by StrifeZ on Sun May 04, 2003 at 01:39:17 AM EST

    Check it again. Consider it fixed (beyond the first pop up and screenshots of course).

    About the pop up thing, i actually tend to agree. You were right, its betters.


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    [ Parent ]
    i still don't get (none / 0) (#193)
    by Mizuno Ami on Sun May 04, 2003 at 12:27:10 PM EST

    what you mean by scrolling. There doesn't seem to be any, anyway.

    [ Parent ]
    No scrolling. space enlarged (none / 0) (#194)
    by StrifeZ on Sun May 04, 2003 at 12:47:25 PM EST

    yeah there isnt. i just made the text area bigger for the screenshots and the information.

    i WAS going to do scrolling via chopping it up into adjacent frames instead of cells, but that would have required hours.

    this took 20 minutes.


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    [ Parent ]
    Preface (none / 0) (#158)
    by limekiller on Sat May 03, 2003 at 05:24:43 PM EST

    StrifeZ writes:
    "The true future..."

    In my experience, those who begin sentences with such phrases are fairly shortsighted and invariably incorrect.  People are only zealous when they're not quite sure they're right.

    Regards,
    Jason

    [ Parent ]

    Dont take it so seriously. (none / 0) (#159)
    by StrifeZ on Sat May 03, 2003 at 06:57:49 PM EST

    Dude, its a video game... lighten up. We (at Nexs) like to think of it as mankind's future both technologically and socio-economically speaking in a more realistic manner than say, Star Trek or anything else.

    For example...

    There are no transporters or any other sort of mythical technologies.

    The ship is powered by laser fusion. This is being perfected as we speak although it hasnt reached break even yet. Its gotten really close!

    The ship reaches FTL speeds by cruising near cosmic super strings - massive structures which theoretically criss-cross the universe. Some physicists believe that if an object approaches one correctly, their mass will be reduced to near zero, allowing them to travel like a photon (since they are massless, time doesnt affect them). I know this is semi-fictional, but its better than the Star Trek "warpspeed" which everyone rips off.

    Earth and colonies are a classic confederation of quasi-independent states.

    Interstellar travel is a pain in the ass and aliens are few and far between. Interplanetary travel is done using "gravitational highways" which really exist.

    Again, its just a game we're working on. It'll be in stores end of this year or start of next year. We're working out a deal with a major publisher at the moment.


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    [ Parent ]
    3rd person, fixed perspective, story-driven (2.66 / 3) (#190)
    by BinaryTree on Sun May 04, 2003 at 06:18:20 AM EST

    You say that as if that hasn't been done before.

    [ Parent ]
    Wait... (none / 0) (#195)
    by Zerotime on Sun May 04, 2003 at 01:46:20 PM EST

    If first-person games are terrible, then I must have been imagining the goodness of that Deus Ex thing.

    [ Parent ]
    Not entirely (4.00 / 1) (#200)
    by StrifeZ on Sun May 04, 2003 at 09:41:12 PM EST

    Its not that they are terrible... far from it. DX was great (although I take issue with the choice of making the different endings only depend on how you beat the last boss: thats sloppy planning).

    doom 3 looks superb as well...

    ... but for every DOom 3, theres an Unreal 2 or a UT2k3: a game that doesnt movie the genre virtically or laterally. Its been said that one reason Valve took their time with HL2 was because they knew that Half Life was a case of a game being at the right place at the right time. That is to say, that HL, like others of those "post-Quake" games a la sIn, Diakatana, Hexen 2, Heretic 2 - they all did the "more color and npc" thing that HL did, its just that HL did it first. the problem with FPS games, is that unlike other genres - sports and RPGs in particular, very few FPS games move horizontally or vertically, they just stay still.

    For some bizarre reason, Epic plans to be ebbarassed this winter when UT2k4 goes head to head with Doom 3 and Half Life 2. Epics a good company, but Unreal in what they've made it (as opposed to their original conception in Unreal 1), isnt a competitor. its not original enough.


    KITTENS@(_%&@%@_($&@(_$&^@$()&@%@+(&%
    [ Parent ]
    What about System Shock or Thief? (none / 0) (#204)
    by UnConeD on Mon May 05, 2003 at 09:12:01 AM EST

    Both are wonderful first-person games that moved the genre ahead in leaps. Rather than condemn a game for its presentation, you should try playing it as well :P.

    [ Parent ]
    Thief was one of the 10 best evar.... [nt] (none / 0) (#206)
    by porkchop_d_clown on Mon May 05, 2003 at 11:14:52 AM EST


    --
    Fishing for Men, Trolling for Newbies, what's the difference?


    [ Parent ]
    Gay Sex Clubs and FPS Multiplayer games (5.00 / 5) (#157)
    by KWillets on Sat May 03, 2003 at 04:26:55 PM EST

    The fact is, I would never feel slighted if some guy called my heterosexuality into question on an FPS.

    Getting together with a bunch of (mostly) burly guys in a complex of darkened rooms, listening to throbbing music, communicating mainly by taunts and blasting each other's bodies with enormous phallic weapons.

    Is it Unreal Tournament, or Saturday night on Folsom?

    heh on homosexuality (4.80 / 5) (#162)
    by Work on Sat May 03, 2003 at 07:47:41 PM EST

    Its a great thing to exploit the 12 year olds who are like 'U FAGGORT!!'.

    Everytime i'd get some kid who would go on and on about such things in RTCW, id change my name to 'CrotchKnocker' and armed with only a knife, crouch down and start stabbing offending kid in the crotch, chasing him around the level with flamboyant text messages. Its best to do this in a room with alot of other teammates who usually laughed said kid off the server.

    Childish? Stupid? Oh yes. But fun for about 5 minutes.

    Loose some health (3.00 / 2) (#164)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:39:38 PM EST

    I'm confused- do you mean that you are purposely losing health, like by hopping quickly into the line of fire?

    Or did you substitute your spell checker for proofreading?

    Every Goddamned time I submot an article, the spelling nazis jump all over me because my dyslexic fingers spell "the" as "teh" or "submit" as "submot" or something.

    So how the fuck did you make Front Page without ever being in the edit que? Are you Rusty's sister or something?

    And yes, there is a typo in this post. I ain't fixing it until you losers learn how to spell "lose".

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie

    It's queue :P (nt) (none / 0) (#203)
    by UnConeD on Mon May 05, 2003 at 09:08:54 AM EST



    [ Parent ]
    wasn't me (4.00 / 1) (#220)
    by MisterQueue on Mon May 12, 2003 at 08:34:46 PM EST

    she even got me on camera

    -Q

    -------
    "Why don't you sell MisterQueueTM Brand thongs? -j3"
    "You and tixy are th
    [ Parent ]

    You actually use the edit queue? (none / 0) (#222)
    by Ta bu shi da yu on Wed May 14, 2003 at 09:04:18 AM EST

    Honestly, the edit queue is way overrated. If you can't get your post out in one go, then don't type up the post. It just shows that you have an unorganised mind, and you never understood the concepts that you were trying to write about in the first place.

    ---
    AdTIה"the think tank that didn't".
    ה
    [ Parent ]
    audio from any pornographic film (2.00 / 1) (#165)
    by mcgrew on Sat May 03, 2003 at 08:44:58 PM EST

    I rather enjoy the fine early 1970s hit- no, wait, it never got any air play or sold any records- "Black Oak Arkansas'" X Rated, now available on the Kazaa network, and nowhere else. You might find a vinyl copy at a used record store.

    "The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie

    My Favored Trolling Techniques (4.00 / 2) (#197)
    by ewhac on Sun May 04, 2003 at 05:20:10 PM EST

    I'm an avid (perhaps too avid) QuakeWorld player. In this age of UT2003, Quake 3 Arena, and CounterStrike, I still find QuakeWorld to offer the most responsive and best overall gameplay experience.

    I detest use of the quad, especially by skilled players -- skilled players don't need it and, therefore, shouldn't use it. One "troll" I consistently engage in is Quad spoiling. If some other player grabs the Quad, I will attempt to kill them (which makes them drop the Quad), grab the Quad, then kill myself in a particularly inaccessible area so that no one else can pick it up again. In E1M7 (House of Chthon), this is especially easy: You just head for the exit. Rocket-jumping back out with the Quad is very difficult.

    If I'm doing especially badly and want to ruin everyone else's good time, I will wield the axe (an open indication that you're not seriously trying to rack up frags), and then scurry around and pick up every goodie I can -- armor, megahealth, Quad, Pentagram, Ring of invisibility, etc. This starves the other players, making their game less rewarding. Serves them right for trying to humiliate me.

    BTW, if anyone's available to give lessons in FPS skill improvement, you've got a willing pupil right here.

    Schwab
    ---
    Editor, A1-AAA AmeriCaptions. Priest, Internet Oracle.

    try this site and tips (5.00 / 1) (#207)
    by fishling on Mon May 05, 2003 at 06:00:30 PM EST

    i was just here for some RtCW:ET hints, but there is a fair bit of information that is general. Even the wolf- and ET-specific information contains some tips that is generally applicable to playing within a team online.

    i find that a good way to improve accuracy is to load up an instagib/corkscrew q3a game with some bots on a map with lots of bounce pads and vertical movement. then, practice railing bots while they are in midair, while you are in midair, and while you are both in flight. practice zooming in quickly to make your shot and only pausing/crouching briefly (if at all) to fire. (when playing online, stopping/moving predictably is sure death). shooting while in midair is great...a lot of times, people will wait for you to land (especially when they are using rockets), so you often can kill them before they even fire if you master that.

    good players can easily dodge your shots if you fire predictably. if you fire a rocket/rail/shotgun as soon as you can every time, then they will time their direction changes so that you always miss...they have a good sense of how long a weapon takes to reload from playing experience. firing at regular intervals was one of my biggest problems until a q3 rocket arena player pointed it out to me in a 1v1 game.

    btw, are there any specific problems that you know you have? you certainly don't sound like you are clueless. after all, you aren't a quad whore. :-)

    [ Parent ]

    quakeworld (none / 0) (#219)
    by iannn on Mon May 12, 2003 at 04:29:05 PM EST

    if you like quakeworld you might really like the mod cpma for quake3. you've probably heard about it on challenge-tv.

    [ Parent ]
    Really? (2.00 / 1) (#205)
    by UnConeD on Mon May 05, 2003 at 09:16:55 AM EST

    Actually I did think it was sort of funny, but it seemed to be written out of frustration. You don't HAVE to play these games you know.

    this explains it (1.00 / 1) (#223)
    by MantorpCity on Tue May 20, 2003 at 07:17:19 PM EST

    I was wondering what the hell those people with gay names were up to the other week playing VC, tking me constantly

    Nice (none / 0) (#224)
    by p3d0 on Fri May 23, 2003 at 09:30:54 PM EST

    Man that's funny. I love the Meow Mix suggestion.

    There was a time I took my FPS very seriously, and all this stuff would really have pissed me off.
    --
    Patrick Doyle
    My comments do not reflect the opinions of my employer.

    HAHA (none / 0) (#226)
    by newt3k on Thu May 29, 2003 at 04:34:26 PM EST

    Wow, your 'shoot your teammates' technique seems strikingly like mine. So much so that I have to ask if anybody has hear of BeanerStyle on Tac-Ops 'the better-than CS game' :) BeanerStyle is the great equalizer, feared and loved throughout the servers. The circus music is a new one though, I'll really have to try that one!
    BEANERSTYLE
    Egg Troll's Guide to FPS Games | 223 comments (211 topical, 12 editorial, 1 hidden)
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