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How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps!

By internetslacker in Internet
Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 06:40:10 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a l33t blogger in no time!

1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogger.com

2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".

3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the blogging service, or one created by you.

4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.

5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".

6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.

7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.

8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.

9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.

10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).

11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.

12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.

13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.

14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.

15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.

16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.

17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.

18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.

19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.

20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.

21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.

22. Complete your first post.

23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.

24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".

25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.

26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous

27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.

28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.

29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.

30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.

31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous

32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.

33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.

34. Stand up and get another drink.

35. Sit back down at your computer desk.

36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.

37. Complete the second post.

38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.

39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.

40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.

41. Refuse and hang up phone.

42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.

43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.

44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.

45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.

46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).

47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"

48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.

49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.

50. Repeat for the rest of your life.

51. Welcome To Blogging!


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Related Links
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How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! | 87 comments (41 topical, 46 editorial, 0 hidden)
step 52 .. (3.00 / 21) (#6)
by gwooph on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 05:21:21 PM EST

add other people's blogs to your own central blog, include a story-voting system, remove any kind of comment search from the system and then "borrow" 70k to furnish your yacht.

n0 j00 teh sUx00r (none / 1) (#15)
by mcgrew on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 07:18:37 PM EST

I'm quoting this guy, of course. I would never say anything like that myself.

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

hehehe (none / 0) (#22)
by internetslacker on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 09:25:46 PM EST

I was expecting it, of course... Anyways, first story submitted here from my comedy/blog website, thank you to everyone who's made kind comments so far.

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

n0 j00 teh sUx00r (2.40 / 5) (#8)
by mpalczew on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 06:25:20 PM EST

once I on step 1, when I realized step 13 was coming. So then I started to become teh antagonist in step 31.
-- Death to all Fanatics!
I can't believe... (1.50 / 2) (#14)
by mcgrew on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 07:17:14 PM EST

I just 3'd a " n0 j00 teh sUx00r" post. Damn, 1st time for everything.

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

I love you mcgrew (none / 0) (#64)
by internetslacker on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 03:08:20 AM EST

and I want to smother you in daisies.

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

+1 FP (2.50 / 4) (#19)
by notAcoolNick on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 08:53:43 PM EST

Very, very funny.

Thank you vetty vetty much (none / 1) (#38)
by internetslacker on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 04:11:32 AM EST

I'm glad you enjoyed the comedy, notAcoolNick! I like your nick, it's COOL!

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

I like your UID number better nt (3.00 / 5) (#45)
by killmepleez on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 10:08:34 AM EST

"I instantly realized that everything in my life that I thought was unfixable was totally fixable - except for having just jumped."
--from "J
[ Parent ]
Sounds a little personal to me... (none / 1) (#24)
by Russell Dovey on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 09:35:30 PM EST

Gotta love true stories.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan

Nothing to do with the post, or indeed the topic.. (none / 0) (#31)
by jd on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 12:14:44 AM EST

...but you wouldn't happen to know where I can get Spike Milligan's "Dalek" sketch?

[ Parent ]
No, sorry. (none / 0) (#85)
by Russell Dovey on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 01:02:29 PM EST

I haven't heard it, myself. I've read his books, though.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

BALEETED (1.33 / 3) (#30)
by kitten on Mon Feb 07, 2005 at 11:41:17 PM EST

mirrorshades radio - darkwave, synthpop, industrial, futurepop.
I hope... (none / 0) (#33)
by SoupIsGoodFood on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 02:28:41 AM EST

you were wearing your mittens when you did that. Otherwise you might get them soiled. And means NO PIE!

[ Parent ]
mmm (none / 1) (#71)
by zrail on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 02:44:32 PM EST


[ Parent ]
Missing word: And THAT means... [nt] (none / 0) (#35)
by SoupIsGoodFood on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 02:43:09 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Stupid and pointless... (2.33 / 3) (#32)
by jd on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 12:17:29 AM EST

...but absolutely true to the life of many bloggers. +1. (For those voting it down because it's stupid and pointless, since when has that ever stopped things becoming Front Page here?)

Stupid & Pointless?!? (2.33 / 3) (#40)
by internetslacker on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 04:23:18 AM EST

I'm crawled up in a fetal ball in the corner of my room weeping like a cheerleader because of what you said you meanie meanie meanie

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

I Stalk David Hasselhoff (1.80 / 5) (#41)
by wiredog on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 08:03:12 AM EST

Evil Pic Of The Day. Really. It's Evil. Makes Goatse look refined and subtle. One of spiralx's favorites.

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

AAAGGGHHH! (none / 0) (#43)
by BJH on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 08:25:18 AM EST

MY EYES!!!111!!!one!!!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]
MUAHAHAHAHAH! (none / 0) (#44)
by wiredog on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 08:52:30 AM EST

Troll up another one!
Just like the other one!

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
Unnecessary Ocular Trauam (none / 0) (#48)
by internetslacker on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 12:29:04 PM EST

What are those things growing from his chest? He should see a doctor...

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

*shudder* (none / 0) (#69)
by spiralx on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 10:02:45 AM EST

I've not seen that before, and I wish I hadn't seen it now.

You're doomed, I'm doomed, we're all doomed for ice cream. - Bob Aboey
[ Parent ]

Not seen it? (none / 0) (#77)
by wiredog on Thu Feb 10, 2005 at 10:06:27 PM EST

I know I put a link to that in a comment at HuSi...

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
Anakin glare-alike. (none / 0) (#86)
by Russell Dovey on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 01:09:45 PM EST

There's so many things wrong with David Hasselhoff, I'm surprised he isn't Michael Jackson's personal lifeguard or something.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan
[ Parent ]

Nothing (1.37 / 8) (#49)
by HardwareLust on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 01:36:28 PM EST

but a poorly written anti-MS rant.

This isn't slashdot last time I checked.


If you disagree, POST, don't moderate!

huh (none / 0) (#54)
by fatalfury on Tue Feb 08, 2005 at 08:23:02 PM EST

anti-ms? wtf?

[ Parent ]
tell me about it... (none / 0) (#62)
by internetslacker on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 03:00:39 AM EST

It's not anti-MS, I was just making fun of the known issues in working with Frontpage. And I know this isn't slashdot, that's why I'm here, dammit. That's it, I'm taking a handful of anti-depressants right now...ah, I'll grind 'em up and snort 'em. AHHHhhhhhhh...why, hello my friends. How is everyone today?

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

Perhaps, (none / 0) (#72)
by HardwareLust on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 03:52:06 PM EST

"poorly written" was a tad harsh, and I apologize  for that.

I just get so tired of people ranting against MS.  Seems that most of them just do it because geeks think it's the cool thing to do.

If you disagree, POST, don't moderate!

[ Parent ]

I bet (none / 0) (#75)
by malkiri on Thu Feb 10, 2005 at 09:58:29 AM EST

you've never used FrontPage.
grep me no patterns, and I'll tell you no lines.
[ Parent ]
yes (none / 0) (#76)
by dgswensen on Thu Feb 10, 2005 at 02:08:01 PM EST

Not being much of an MS-basher myself, I have to wholeheartedly agree.

[ Parent ]
Yes, (none / 0) (#79)
by HardwareLust on Fri Feb 11, 2005 at 01:45:46 PM EST

I have.  Not very recently, though.  IIRC, I never had much of a problem with it.  

When I did use it, I wasn't very savvy of html yet so it did the job for me at the time, which was namely to make some (relatively) simple pages on our corporate intranet.  For that, it worked just fine.

Of course, I wouldn't use it now, namely because I discovered how powerful Studio MX and Dreamweaver are.

If you disagree, POST, don't moderate!

[ Parent ]

For shame people! (none / 0) (#68)
by canwaf on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 07:39:18 AM EST

Everything that's approved should be put on the front page, even this. Why did we have to 'section it away' where the most of the new visiters will might get will never even bother to look?

Very smart... idiots.

I'm honored, though (none / 0) (#70)
by internetslacker on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 12:31:53 PM EST

This is my first submission, and I'm quite happy that is was accepted for the Internet section. It also gives me a goal to write something funny enough to get posted to the front page, too. I hear you though, canwaf, and thank you!

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

True, true, true (none / 0) (#73)
by endow on Wed Feb 09, 2005 at 07:02:11 PM EST

Useless but kinda true. Future bloggers should prepare themselves for this, ahah beware...

That wasn't funny. (none / 1) (#78)
by flaw on Fri Feb 11, 2005 at 05:34:59 AM EST

Why was it voted up?

ピニス, ピニス, everyone loves ピニス!
ror (1.20 / 5) (#80)
by Dont Fear The Reaper on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 01:48:10 AM EST

This blows almost as much as your shitty website.

Kuro5hin: Come for the trolls, stay for the pathetic crapwhores.

99% of everything is crap. There are plenty of great blogs to be found, although yours is not one of them; just like there are plenty of great websites out there, although kuro5hin is not one of them.

Why Are You Here? (none / 1) (#81)
by internetslacker on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 02:04:37 AM EST

I looked through your comments,DFTR, and almost all of them are incredibly negative and, well, purposely hurtful to people. I'm sorry you didn't like my article, but you didn't really need to insult either my website or kuro5shin. My site is still new, I'm the only one working on it, and I have serious health issues which interfere with my website's progress. Also, my father passed away recently, so I really don't appreciate your negativity. I've been hearing a lot of people saying kuro5hin needs more quality submissions. Perhaps people aren't submitting articles because of the incredibly hateful trolls that inevitably crop up each time an article is posted. This abundance of people who aren't contributing - indeed, are causing great harm - will eventually lead to kuro5hin's demise. And that's a pity, 'cause it seems whenever the good people get together to create something beautiful, others who only know hate come along and destroy everything. I like kuro5hin, I really do, and I've read great articles and met intelligent people. I really hope that can continue, I'd love to submit more articles. But not if personal attacks will occur everytime I do so. Don'tFearTheReaper, I sincerely hope you grow in wisdom to learn that it may seem funny to you to insult people through the anonymity of the Internet, you are genuinely hurting people. I wish you all the best in the future, Internet Slacker

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

You need a thick skin for a career in comedy (none / 0) (#83)
by HeWentAfterMyDaddy on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 05:36:31 AM EST

Analyse anything that's made you laugh. Almost always there's a victim. If you create comedy, by definition you're hurting someone.

So if you're going to dish it out, then at least have the grace not to whine when someone has a go at you.

And don't take criticism personally. Just try and do better.

[ Parent ]

I hear you (none / 0) (#84)
by internetslacker on Sat Feb 12, 2005 at 05:45:13 AM EST

I made that post in a bit of anger; I have a temper when it comes to idiots. He's never even submitted an article anyways.

www.internetslacker.com www.internetslacker.net www.internetslacker.org
[ Parent ]

sdf (none / 0) (#87)
by ant0n on Sun Feb 27, 2005 at 07:18:29 AM EST

There are plenty of great blogs to be found

Can you please point me to a great blog. kthxbye.

-- Does the shortest thing the tallest pyramid's support supports support anything green?
Patrick H. Winston, Artificial Intelligence
[ Parent ]
How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! | 87 comments (41 topical, 46 editorial, 0 hidden)
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