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[P]
Welcome to the Internet

By trezor in Internet
Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 09:16:40 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

As a long time user and observer of the Internet I have gathered lots of experience with this new medium. This is intended as a guide to those who are new to the Internet and feel insecure about how they should behave when on it. It may also act as checklist for experienced users to see if there are skills they need to improve or if there are aspects of the Internet they may have missed.


For the sake of public enlightment, I have decided to compile a short list which sums up all there is to know about the Internet. I am sure this has been done before, but I feel that there still seems to be a general need for this kind of information.

This is because most of the other similar articles is scattered around different places and not summed up in one easy to read list. Not to mention that what I've seen seems to involve methods that require actual efforts.

With the trust the Internet has invested in me, there are obligations which needs to be fulfilled. Hence I realized it was my duty as a responsible Internet citizen to write this list.

I hope this list will be generally useful and ultimately taught to children in schools to prepare for what awaits them.

1. You are special

If you have received exclusive offers in your email, this is because you are special. People have taken the time and effort to sit down and write an email offering you something exclusive. I mean, what more is there to say?

There are people claiming this is not the case, and that you should delete these offers the second you receive them. These people are not trustworthy. The truth is that they are envious because they themselves has not received these special offers. In fact they are so envious that they have developed automatic measures to have your offers removed. This technique is called SPAM-filtering. Pay no attention to these losers and choose an ISP which doesn't implement SPAM-filtering.

In any case: You are special, others are not. This should dominate your behavior when you meet others on the Internet.

2. Be rude

This may seems harsh, but it is the way of the Internet. Since there is no threat of physical retaliation no matter how offensive you behave, people in general seems unwilling to involve the extra work that common courtesy is.

And since time moves faster on the Internet, thinking about how to phrase yourself may accidently leave you behind the rest. The main reason you should behave as rudely as possible though, is that acting nice & polite will single you out from the rest of the crowd and then no-one will be your friend.

Either way: Its a big Internet and you don't want to be there all alone.

3. Facts should be avoided

Have you ever argued about something you know nothing about and lost because the people you argue with were somewhat clued? Then the Internet is a Godsend for you. No longer are facts important or even wanted.

As everyone knows statistics can be made to prove anything. Combine this with the amounts of statistics available on the Internet, and you will see that anyone can manufacture evidence to prove anything. Thus the Internet has rendered facts irrelevant.

Backing up your statement with facts will not only take time (see point #2). It will also make you look like 1. someone too stupid to realize this obvious consequence on their own, or 2. an amateur which isn't well traversed in the ways of the Internet, or 3. both combined.

Incidentaly this may also leave you without any friends. If you want this to happen, sure, go ahead! Be coherent, tolerant and reasonable if you like, but for most people this is not an option.

4. There is no such thing as 'truth'

A 'truth' is by most people considered synonymous with a 'fact'. And many people consider facts to be arguable. The result is that there is no truth. This point is basically a subset or a result of point #3, but its great importance dictates that it needs to be clarified thoroughly.

If someone should ever point out that you are wrong on the Internet, never consider that they may in fact be right. This is simply a waste of time. Instead prepare a solid rebuttal to whoever was stupid enough to cross your path. If you know anything to be true, it most surely is and there is a whole world which needs it pointed out. Know this: You can never be wrong because you are special.

You should put great efforts into making sure that the lack of absolute truth affects your behavior and reasoning, or you may never be considered a Internet Professional.

A rule of thumb: Whoever can produce the most offensive posts or crapflood everyone else's opinion into nothingness wins the argument.

5. Don't get lost in the dungeons of the Internet

This is important. This is in fact so important that even the American president, George W. Bush, have addressed concern for children which may be lost in these dungeons. Clearly the dungeons are a dangerous place and you want to stay away from them.

Emphasized for emphasis: Don't get lost in the dungeons!

6. There is no pornography on the Internet

As a Internet veteran I have investigated this thoroughly and found that contrary to popular belief there is no pornography to be found on the Internet.

Sure, if you use a so called search-engine to find sex, or anything else for that matter, the Internet will return millions of hits claiming to be pornography. This is however misleading.

Most of your search-results will lead you to sites which claims to have pornography, but upon further investigation contains no sexual content at all. These sites will provide you with links to other places which also claims to contain pornography but which as it's linker contains nothing but more tempting links. No matter how many hours you spend following these chains of promised pornography you will find nothing. You may in fact get totally lost and unable to find your way back out (see point #5).

The only exception to this rule spurs from point #1. The Internet may provide with sexual content if you are exclusively offered it. In fact all Internet pornography arises from the fact that you are special.

With this in mind, concerned parents should now feel relieved knowing that their children are safe while on the Internet. They are in fact so safe that you can remove the NetNanny you ignorantly spent money purchasing and let your child surf the web with his door closed and locked.

7. Gender issues

7.1. Regarding females

To state the obvious: Anything claiming to be a gorgeous and sexually deprived female never is. This is obvious for several reason, but for easy reference you should keep point #3 fresh in mind.

To prove this point you may consider this scenario in real life. In for real life you know that these girls usually just want you to pay for their drinks and that they are in fact not as sexually deprived as they originally may have made it seem.

This point is also valid the Internet, however, here things are a little bit different. Whoever claims to be an atractive female on the Internet is either a police officer trying to frame you into child molestation or a bored Internet sub-professional which is testing out the repercussions of the points made in this list.

At all cost stay away from anything claiming to be a female on the Internet, or you may end up being made fun of or even jailed.

7.2. Regarding males

As you will find, all men traversed in the ways of the Internet have big penises. This is no coincidence: A big penis is indicative of everything a man will need to succeed in life, and men mastering advanced technology as the Internet clearly has what it takes.

Intelligent females (or any female who in general does not want her man of choice to have a small penis) should exclusively use the Internet to find a partner.

8. New honoring system

In real life people may express their appreciation for you and your work by giving compliments. This is not the case on the Internet. Compliments are by rule never given, and if they are, they should be treated with utmost suspicion.

This does not mean that expressing appreciation is impossible on the Internet. If you successfully follow these guidelines, you will quickly find yourself being labeled a 'troll'. This is a good thing.

The fact that people start addressing you as a 'troll' means that you as a person has been recognized. Seeing how big the Internet really is, this is a not small achievement. This is by many Internet professionals considered their highest goal in life, and they will spend countless hours each and every day trying to achieve this.

However, as in many cultures, boasting on the Internet is considered a bad thing. This means that you should never brag about your achieved recognition as a troll. You will find that doing this immediately causes you to lose your audience, all your friends and once again you are alone on the Internet.

-

If you follow these guidelines carefully you may on day be considered a Internet professional, a title of such importance that big companies like Microsoft even awards certificates for these specific skills.

I hope this guide has been useful and that you will take great care in following these simple rules that I've set forth. It may not seem like much, but the Internet as we know it depends on it.

Now, with all this taken care of, enjoy your stay on the Internet!

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Poll
Was this guide useful to you?
o Yes 31%
o No 50%
o It lacked in vital areas (write-in) 18%

Votes: 32
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Welcome to the Internet | 53 comments (32 topical, 21 editorial, 0 hidden)
You're an idiot (1.00 / 8) (#5)
by Anonymized Coward on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 03:28:19 PM EST

And you have a small dick.


___
This account has been anonymized. How appropriate.
No, I'm a pedant (none / 1) (#8)
by trezor on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 05:21:51 PM EST

And I have a small penis.

However, I fail to see why any of this is a problem to you.


--
Richard Dean Anderson porn? - Now spread the news

[ Parent ]
Who cares,, (none / 0) (#39)
by The Amazing Idiot on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 10:31:40 PM EST

how big or small your dick is, but I excel at using my tounge ;)

And I'm 6'5 if that means anything to any of you.

[ Parent ]

Oh just some guy (none / 0) (#42)
by trezor on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 07:34:50 AM EST

Mod'ed to oblivion now, but his exact words were "You're an idiot and you have a small dick".

I'm not the kind of guy who just throws out "I got a small penis" for any reason. Hope this helps.


--
Richard Dean Anderson porn? - Now spread the news

[ Parent ]
Um... congrats on your cocksucking technique? (none / 0) (#44)
by Exergetic Analysis on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 11:19:52 AM EST

I dunno, are you looking for validation or something?

[ Parent ]
no yuo (1.00 / 6) (#9)
by Cousin Ed on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 05:50:56 PM EST




I endorse large-scale foreign wars.
Please move to vote (1.75 / 4) (#10)
by ant0n on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 06:12:20 PM EST

so that I can vote it up. 'cause English is not your first language (it isn't mine either), and k5 is nothing but a fucking English class. And for a class test your submission is excellent.


-- Does the shortest thing the tallest pyramid's support supports support anything green?
Patrick H. Winston, Artificial Intelligence
Corollary female rules: (1.25 / 4) (#16)
by Kasreyn on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 08:03:04 PM EST

Anything claiming to be a gorgeous and sexually deprived female never is.

Corollaries:

1. Anyone claiming to be a gorgeous and sexually deprived female between 18 and 35 is in fact a wall-eyed man picking bits of mayonnaise sandwich from his teeth in a trailer home.

2. Anyone claiming to be a "mature" older woman searching for love is in fact a sunken-chested middle-aged male sitting at his computer wearing a babydoll nightie and garterbelt.

3. Anyone claiming to be a horny and inexperienced teenage lolita is in fact an unsmiling member of the Federal Bureau of Investigations.


"Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgement Day:
We never asked to be born in the first place."

R.I.P. Kurt. You will be missed.
oh shit (none / 0) (#53)
by zo219 on Sun May 01, 2005 at 07:19:37 AM EST

who *are* you people, i've been using slashdot for a portal. a portal! is that pitiful? . .. i moderate, ( i get mod points about every 5 minutes, i'm serious) i read at minus 1, trying to do my fair share. . . do you know what it's like at minus one. .. on slashdot? so shit, i say, (shit, piss and fuck, for that matter) i AM a mature older woman searching for love and i have a stitch in my side like you know? the kind? you get from laughing? who is this kaseryn child, and how am i going to get my work done now.

[ Parent ]
Shimmer: (1.33 / 3) (#17)
by alevin on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 09:20:48 PM EST

I know you're reading this.

You still didn't teach me how not to fall in love. I already fell.
--
alevin

1994 called (3.00 / 15) (#18)
by Adam Rightmann on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 09:29:05 PM EST

it wants it's satirical essay back.

Oh, like that joke is any newer [nt] (2.00 / 3) (#19)
by trezor on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 09:50:27 PM EST


--
Richard Dean Anderson porn? - Now spread the news

[ Parent ]
But strangely... (3.00 / 4) (#22)
by Spendocrat on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 02:51:35 AM EST

much more relevant.

[ Parent ]
No, but it's still funny (NT) (none / 1) (#36)
by D Jade on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 09:40:24 PM EST



You're a shitty troll, so stop pretending you have more of a life than a cool dude -- HollyHopDrive
[ Parent ]
2004 called (2.50 / 4) (#28)
by skyknight on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 12:59:54 PM EST

It wants its meta-humor back.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
2005 called (none / 0) (#48)
by Akshay on Tue Apr 19, 2005 at 05:18:19 AM EST

and is, uhhh, confused about what to say.

[ Parent ]
2006 called... (none / 0) (#49)
by CodeWright on Tue Apr 19, 2005 at 12:18:31 PM EST

...and says "STOP ALREADY!"

--
A: Because it destroys the flow of conversation.
Q: Why is top posting dumb? --clover_kicker

[ Parent ]
The owner of the dead horse... (none / 0) (#51)
by skyknight on Tue Apr 19, 2005 at 06:01:03 PM EST

requests that we cease beating its carcass and return it to its rightful owner.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
[ Parent ]
OH SNAP (none / 0) (#46)
by klem on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 06:42:05 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Disappointing (2.00 / 4) (#20)
by trezor on Sat Apr 16, 2005 at 10:51:43 PM EST

I have no problems seeing my story getting dumped, be it due to modbombing or just that people genuinly don't like it.

But a story about trolls not getting one genuine troll-thread or even a '-1, you are teh suck' post for that matter before getting dumped... Now that tells me I could have done a helluva lot better.


--
Richard Dean Anderson porn? - Now spread the news

I'm aiming for the -1 (none / 0) (#25)
by xL on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 09:44:02 AM EST

But that's mainly due to the horrendous spelling, like:
  • This is because most of the other similar articles is scattered...
  • ...they are envious because they themselves has not...
  • ...people in general seems unwilling to...
  • Incidentaly...
It's sort of a shame that I never saw this article in the edit queue, because I like the tone of the article.

[ Parent ]
IAWTP (none / 0) (#31)
by mcgrew on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 01:48:10 PM EST

Sounds like a cross between ebonics and hillbilly. -1, bad.

"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

It was too long, I want an executive summary. (2.33 / 6) (#27)
by communistpope on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 11:24:21 AM EST

I'm a busy CEO and I dont have time to read this article.

That's what your mom said. (none / 0) (#30)
by mcgrew on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 01:46:33 PM EST


"The entire neocon movement is dedicated to revoking mcgrew's posting priviliges. This is why we went to war with Iraq." -LilDebbie
[ Parent ]

I am my own mom! n/t (none / 0) (#34)
by communistpope on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 02:40:52 PM EST



[ Parent ]
It's True! (2.33 / 3) (#35)
by Peahippo on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 03:18:09 PM EST

My penis has become longer since I've been on the Internet. I didn't even have to take any \/iagra {tm}, V1agra {tm}, or V!agra {tm}-- sheesh, I didn't realize how many different types of that drug were available!

I love the Internet. Now, I can get as hard as a policeman's truncheon.

... now if only the Internet can find me a GF to make use of this long, hard instrument, then I'd proclaim the Internet to be God's Gift to Man.


Come abord honey, (none / 0) (#38)
by The Amazing Idiot on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 10:28:34 PM EST

said the raspy man in a "sexy voice".

lol ;P

And all 13 year old girls are cops in disguise getting their lollies off.

[ Parent ]

I'm sure I've read this in joke emails [n/t] (none / 0) (#40)
by falderal on Sun Apr 17, 2005 at 11:26:05 PM EST


Pragmatism is the convenient conclusion reached by those who lack the patience or intelligence to formulate a consistent ideology.
--Mark G. Hanley

Sorry, it lacked... (none / 0) (#43)
by PigleT on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 10:55:47 AM EST

...vital surprise-factor. I've read satirical spiels about spams (including a long piece about how to be a usenet spammer) before now, the "you're special" angle is, um, nothing special. ;)
~Tim -- We stood in the moonlight and the river flowed
I object. (3.00 / 4) (#45)
by Russell Dovey on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 02:17:05 PM EST

Point 7.1 is actually correct. This clearly invalidates rule 3, and poisons the entire article with truth.

"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light." - Spike Milligan

IAWTP... (none / 0) (#47)
by tsunami on Mon Apr 18, 2005 at 11:23:26 PM EST

It breaks the irony. Should've been:

"7.1 All women on the 'net are hot, 18yo sex-crazed virgins..." or something.


--------------
I also saw a madman crazily pumping this polygon thing to roughly the same timing as a functional wank. - A Trolled An Anonymised Englishman
[ Parent ]
The Pros & Cons of the Internet (none / 0) (#52)
by bulk sms on Thu Apr 28, 2005 at 08:16:05 PM EST

When the internet first came out in the UK, it swallowed a huge amount of life. As i got a bit older, i decided to part from it. I think those years were the happiest of my life. More recently, i got sucked back in and now i find myself trapped. My eye-sight has decreased, the amount of time i spend with my wife has decreased and i find myself talking rubbish to friends and family (what would sound normal to other internet users... like the word 'blog'). I have learned to adapt to the different people we find online, and to try and get the most of out it, but i am hoping that i unplug soon.
Save me please from my life of sms online!
Welcome to the Internet | 53 comments (32 topical, 21 editorial, 0 hidden)
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