For the sake of public enlightment, I have decided to compile a short list
which sums up all there is to know about the Internet. I am sure this has been
done before, but I feel that there still seems to be a general need for this
kind of information.
This is because most of the other similar articles is scattered around different places and not summed up in one easy to read list. Not to mention
that what I've seen seems to involve methods that require actual efforts.
With the trust the Internet has invested in me, there are obligations
which needs to be fulfilled. Hence I realized it was my duty as a responsible
Internet citizen to write this list.
I hope this list will be generally useful and ultimately taught to children in
schools to prepare for what awaits them.
1. You are special
If you have received exclusive offers in your email, this is because you are special.
People have taken the time and effort to sit down and write an email offering you
something exclusive. I mean, what more is there to say?
There are people claiming this is not the case, and that you should delete these offers the
second you receive them. These people are not trustworthy. The truth is that they are envious because
they themselves has not received these special offers. In fact they are so envious that
they have developed automatic measures to have your offers removed. This technique is
called SPAM-filtering. Pay no attention to these losers and choose an ISP which doesn't
In any case: You are special, others are not. This should dominate your behavior when you meet others on the Internet.
2. Be rude
This may seems harsh, but it is the way of the Internet. Since there is no
threat of physical retaliation no matter how offensive you behave, people
in general seems unwilling to involve the extra work that common courtesy is.
And since time moves faster on the Internet, thinking about how to phrase
yourself may accidently leave you behind the rest. The main reason you should
behave as rudely as possible though, is that acting nice & polite will single you
out from the rest of the crowd and then no-one will be your friend.
Either way: Its a big Internet and you don't want to be there all alone.
3. Facts should be avoided
Have you ever argued about something you know nothing about and lost because the
people you argue with were somewhat clued? Then the Internet is a
Godsend for you. No longer are facts important or even wanted.
As everyone knows statistics can be made to prove anything. Combine this with
the amounts of statistics available on the Internet, and you will see that
anyone can manufacture evidence to prove anything. Thus the Internet has rendered
Backing up your statement with facts will not only take time (see point #2). It
will also make you look like 1. someone too stupid to realize this obvious consequence on their own, or 2. an amateur which isn't well traversed in the ways
of the Internet, or 3. both combined.
Incidentaly this may also leave you without any friends. If you want this to happen, sure,
go ahead! Be coherent, tolerant and reasonable if you like, but for most people this is not an option.
4. There is no such thing as 'truth'
A 'truth' is by most people considered synonymous with a 'fact'. And many people consider facts
to be arguable. The result is that there is no truth. This point is basically a subset or a result of point #3,
but its great importance dictates that it needs to be clarified thoroughly.
If someone should ever point out that you are wrong on the Internet, never consider
that they may in fact be right. This is simply a waste of time. Instead prepare a solid rebuttal to whoever was stupid enough to cross your path. If you know
anything to be true, it most surely is and there is a whole world which needs
it pointed out. Know this: You can never be wrong because you are special.
You should put great efforts into making sure that the lack of absolute truth affects your behavior
and reasoning, or you may never be considered a Internet Professional.
A rule of thumb: Whoever can produce the most offensive posts or crapflood everyone else's
opinion into nothingness wins the argument.
5. Don't get lost in the dungeons of the Internet
This is important. This is in fact so important that even the American president,
George W. Bush, have addressed concern for children which may be lost in these
dungeons. Clearly the dungeons are a dangerous place and you want to stay
away from them.
Emphasized for emphasis: Don't get lost in the dungeons!
6. There is no pornography on the Internet
As a Internet veteran I have investigated this thoroughly and found that contrary to
popular belief there is no pornography to be found on the Internet.
Sure, if you use a so called search-engine to find sex, or anything else for that matter,
the Internet will return millions of hits claiming to be pornography. This
is however misleading.
Most of your search-results will lead you to sites which claims to have
pornography, but upon further investigation contains no sexual content at all. These
sites will provide you with links to other places which also claims to contain pornography but which as it's linker contains nothing but more tempting links.
No matter how many hours you spend following these chains of promised pornography you will find
nothing. You may in fact get totally lost and unable to find your way back out (see point #5).
The only exception to this rule spurs from point #1. The Internet may provide with sexual
content if you are exclusively offered it. In fact all Internet pornography arises from the
fact that you are special.
With this in mind, concerned parents should now feel relieved knowing that their children
are safe while on the Internet. They are in fact so safe that you can remove the NetNanny
you ignorantly spent money purchasing and let your child surf the web with his door
closed and locked.
7. Gender issues
7.1. Regarding females
To state the obvious: Anything claiming to be a gorgeous and sexually deprived female
never is. This is obvious for several reason, but for easy reference you should keep point #3
fresh in mind.
To prove this point you may consider this scenario in real life. In for real life you know
that these girls usually just want you to pay for their drinks and that they are
in fact not as sexually deprived as they originally may have made it seem.
This point is also valid the Internet, however, here things are a little bit different.
Whoever claims to be an atractive female on the Internet is either a police officer trying
to frame you into child molestation or a bored Internet sub-professional which is testing
out the repercussions of the points made in this list.
At all cost stay away from anything claiming to be a female on the Internet, or you may
end up being made fun of or even jailed.
7.2. Regarding males
As you will find, all men traversed in the ways of the Internet have big penises. This is no coincidence:
A big penis is indicative of everything a man will need to succeed in life, and men
mastering advanced technology as the Internet clearly has what it takes.
Intelligent females (or any female who in general does not want her man of choice to
have a small penis) should exclusively use the Internet to find a partner.
8. New honoring system
In real life people may express their appreciation for you and your work by giving
compliments. This is not the case on the Internet. Compliments are by rule never given, and if they are, they should be treated with utmost suspicion.
This does not mean that expressing appreciation is impossible on the Internet. If you successfully follow these
guidelines, you will quickly find yourself being labeled a 'troll'. This is a good thing.
The fact that people start addressing you as a 'troll' means that you as a person
has been recognized. Seeing how big the Internet really is, this is a not small achievement.
This is by many Internet professionals considered their highest goal in life,
and they will spend countless hours each and every day trying to achieve this.
However, as in many cultures, boasting on the Internet is considered a bad thing.
This means that you should never brag about your achieved recognition as a troll.
You will find that doing this immediately causes you to lose your audience, all your
friends and once again you are alone on the Internet.
If you follow these guidelines carefully you may on day be considered a Internet professional,
a title of such importance that big companies like Microsoft even awards certificates
for these specific skills.
I hope this guide has been useful and that you will take great care in following these
simple rules that I've set forth. It may not seem like much, but the Internet as we
know it depends on it.
Now, with all this taken care of, enjoy your stay on the Internet!