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It should have been one of us

By circletimessquare in Internet
Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: moronic trolling on teh intarwebs (all tags)

K5, I'm disappointed in you.

On October 19 I was watching CNN and was hearing that someone was threatening dirty bomb attacks on football stadiums. Obviously fearmongering media idiocy, complete with ex-FBI call-in talking heads throughout the morning/ early afternoon. Obviously a slow newsday for CNN to report the workings of Internet trolls... but that's what bothered me the most: what Internet troll had created this glorious shitstorm?

Ever since our crowning achievement last year in the science of Internet trolling, I've been looking forward to K5 topping that supremely asocial event. So when it was finally announced who the culprit was on October 20th, I was severely depressed. Because this guy was beyond pathetic. Which led me to the inevitable realization: it should have been one of us.

It should have been one of us K5 to grab the media spotlight with this supreme troll. I beseech all of you, try harder next time. Let us not let some other lame site grab the media spotlight from our negatively vibed snarky grasp (although i have to admit, that site is pretty much exactly as I imagine K5 would be if K5 had images).

This was one of his posts from 4chan.org that started the nuttiness:

On Sunday, October 22nd, 2006, there will be seven "dirty" explosive devices detonated in seven different U.S. cities; Miami, New York City, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. The death toll will approach 100,000 from the initial blasts and countless other fatalities will later occur as result from radioactive fallout.

The bombs themselves will be delivered via trucks. These trucks will pull up to stadiums hosting NFL games in each respective city. All stadiums to be targeted are open air arenas, excluding Atlanta's Georgia Dome, the only enclosed stadium to be hit. Due to the open air, the radiological fallout will destroy those not killed in the initial explosion.

The explosions will be near simultaneous, with the cities specifically chosen in different time zones to allow for multiple attacks at the same time. The 22nd of October will mark the final day of Ramadan as it would fall in Mecca. Al-Qaida will automatically be blamed for the attacks. Later, through Al-Jazeera, Osama bin Laden will issue a video message claiming responsibility for what he dubs "America's Hiroshima".

In the aftermath civil wars will erupt across the world, both in the Middle East and within the United States. Global economies will screech to a halt. General chaos will rule.

He was easily caught:

Brahm's attorney, Patrick Knight, said after the hearing that his client was shocked by the way the threats were received. He described Brahm as quiet and gentle and said he had not seen anything to indicate Brahm meant any real harm.

"When you're a 20-year-old, and you roll a snowball, and the next thing you know, it's as big as a house rolling down a hill, it surprises you a bit," Knight said.


An FBI official in Washington, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the case is still under investigation, told The Associated Press that Brahm acknowledged doing it as part of a "writing duel" with a man from Texas to see who could post the scariest threat.

Now when I say pathetic, this guy takes the cake:

Brahm, a grocery store clerk, surrendered today in Milwaukee on the criminal charge, which was filed in New Jersey, home to Giants Stadium, one of the supposed attack targets. A copy of the federal criminal complaint can be found below. Brahm, pictured at right in a mug shot, apparently penned the threats as part of a harebrained contest with another man to see who could circulate the scariest Internet threat. This knucklehead behavior may not come as a surprise to anyone familiar with Brahm's other online activity via MySpace and an ambitious blog on which he recorded all of his 2006 masturbatory activity. In his most recent MySpace blog entry, Brahm, an avowed Japanese pornography enthusiast, mentioned Iran's president: "I admire Mahmoud Ahmadinejad," he wrote. In a separate post, he listed his hobbies as "masturbating, watching foreign language films, playing cards, drumming, and sleeping. One day I hope to leave my house."

Grocery store clerk! MySpace! A masturbation diary! Gratuitous Japanese pornography! Admires Ahmacrazyguy! Never leaves the house! Pure loserville.

What a stunning resume. Folks: this man is the beating heart of the K5 demographic. How could we have MISSED this fine young gentleman amongst our hordes? What a disappointment that his exploits went down on lame ass 4chan.org.

There is a glimmer of hope though: this was an actual contest between two cretins. We have plenty of cretins engaging in feeble contests of wit here all the time. Let us up the ante: K5, do better than this retard. Vaunt K5 to the international fearmongering spotlight.

Is what I am proposing wrong? No. The problem with law enforcement is that they lack imagination. "Fly airplanes into office towers? Nah... too Hollywood." We need to remind law enforcement that terrorists may be assholes, but they are creative assholes. Let us fire up their imagination with some creative scenarios of our own.

Will I be participating in this contest? Hell no! What do you think I am, stupid? But plenty of you are stupid, so go for it. And if you live outside the USA, you can post without fear of the FBI. Just fear of the CIA and your own lame ass government and some rendition flights.

Come on K5, don't let me down. It should have been one of us.


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Related Links
o our crowning achievement
o some other lame site
o He was easily caught
o this guy takes the cake
o Pure loserville
o Also by circletimessquare

Display: Sort:
It should have been one of us | 49 comments (45 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
who (other than 4chan) claims that it was (2.83 / 6) (#1)
by Linux or FreeBSD on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 02:36:12 AM EST

originally posted at 4chan? it was copypasta on 4chan, but that doesn't mean it originated there.

lol should have read the second page of legal dox. (3.00 / 2) (#2)
by Linux or FreeBSD on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 02:50:43 AM EST

apparently the government says it's from 4chan, and 4chan agrees. so i guess that's settled.

[ Parent ]
you seem to know much (none / 0) (#3)
by circletimessquare on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 02:50:58 AM EST

please elaborate jake

actually if you read the thread, i think that's where it got a lot of original attention

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

i first saw the claims on 7chan's /b/ (3.00 / 7) (#4)
by Linux or FreeBSD on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 03:12:38 AM EST

in a thread which referred to yet another thread on 4chan's /b/ in which there were various screen captures of CNN and discussion of the "epic win." there was a screenshot posted of the copypasta appearing in september.

there were also numerous mentions of possible party van activity, and the van has indeed since paid a visit to mr. brahm.

[ Parent ]
+1fp -- im all low about the damned thing. (1.66 / 3) (#5)
by spidy on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 03:54:41 AM EST

Sigh (none / 0) (#30)
by timy peices on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 09:51:48 AM EST

I'm going to just try and chop the pain away.
[ Parent ]
The Absolute CTS (2.42 / 7) (#6)
by mybostinks on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 08:24:51 AM EST

and +1 FP! Excellent bit of writing.

Kurons should be ashamed to have let this happen somewhere else. K5 is dying!

no, K5 isnt dying damn it!! its all in your (1.50 / 1) (#12)
by dakini on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 01:56:08 PM EST


" May your vision be clear, your heart strong, and may you always follow your dreams."
[ Parent ]
japanese pornography (2.83 / 6) (#8)
by dongs on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 10:29:47 AM EST

sigh. what a shock.

this can all be lain at the lovely feet of (1.50 / 1) (#11)
by nostalgiphile on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 01:05:25 PM EST


"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
[ Parent ]
holy shit they caught Lemon Juice! (3.00 / 3) (#10)
by nostalgiphile on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 01:00:25 PM EST

and now we know what happens to people after they get anonymized one too many times. Actually, I guess it's time I come out and confess I have been known to troll 4chan on occassion...But I didn't enjoy it, so...

SINGULAR SUGG: This woulda been better as a preemptive troll on 4Chan!!!!! {i.e., go for the throat the next time u troll a rogue site}

Anyways, this is important news and I can tell you were feeling apprehensive about the desolate-as-hell queue scene here lately and the nasty rumors to the effect that K5 might be, ehem, DYING, but really, K5-trolls being tracked down by the CIA/FBI? Time to lay off the evil weed there aint it, cts? I gots me some mad skillz and The Man had better be afraid of me, not the other way around.

Oh, and um, advice on anonymous trolling techniques is in order if this is gonna be a clean, safe, and FBI-free trollathon. I mean, if you're throwing down the gauntlet like this, one of our techwizzessesses oughta cough up the lowdown on how/where excatly junior fucked his 4chan troll up.

Btw, LJ, just kiddin.

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
Screw trolling the CIA and FBI (none / 0) (#34)
by rustv on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 01:14:47 PM EST

Let's troll the Secret Service again.

"Don't tase me, bro." --Andrew Meyer
[ Parent ]
well for starters (none / 0) (#43)
by GrubbyBeardedHermit on Wed Oct 25, 2006 at 06:48:50 AM EST

>> police Chief Barry Weber said Brahm had bragged to friends about his actions.

>> On a separate blog under Brahm's name, the writer posted a photo of a football stadium next to a list of goals for 2006, which included committing a felony

Given google access and half an hour you or I could have tracked him down to his moms basement and dragged him out blinking into the sunlight.

[ Parent ]

Are angry because you shat your pants (2.00 / 3) (#14)
by V on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 10:17:52 PM EST

all week long?
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
Just because it's a hoax (3.00 / 9) (#15)
by Hung Two on Sat Oct 21, 2006 at 10:21:20 PM EST

doesn't mean it won't happen. I'm duct taping my apartment windows just in case.

God Help Us....Muslims in Congress.
It wasnt one of us? (2.66 / 6) (#16)
by daveybaby on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 04:25:20 AM EST

Shit, all along i'd just assumed it was another one of Egil's dupes.

So (3.00 / 5) (#18)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 02:00:59 PM EST

cts thinks people who don't leave the house, spend too much time on the internet, and ostensibily have no jobs are losers.  A bit ironic.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour
+1 FP (none / 1) (#19)
by Pingveno on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 04:25:30 PM EST

I was chuckling through the whole article. That must have bugged the hell out of the people sitting near me in the library, though...
In other news, more than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
do you think (none / 1) (#20)
by wampswillion on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 04:58:09 PM EST

the guy thought he was the next orson welles?

but really, what an idiot.   about as smart as yelling "fire" in a crowded theatre.  

Free Jake Brahm (none / 1) (#21)
by Big Sexxy Joe on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 05:41:56 PM EST


Actually, this is an interesting story.  I regret voting it down.

I'm like Jesus, only better.
Democracy Now! - your daily, uncensored, corporate-free grassroots news hour

Sigh (1.66 / 3) (#22)
by the77x42 on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 06:04:21 PM EST

Do people do this because they want attention? Is it because they think they are 'defending' free speech?  Let him rot.

Regretably, you cannot post anything you want onto the internet. Is this such a big loss?

"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

i think they do it (3.00 / 4) (#25)
by trane on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 10:22:44 PM EST

to make me laugh. I would like to say to him, "Good one, sir!"

[ Parent ]
So what can one not post on the Internet? (3.00 / 5) (#29)
by curien on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 07:43:52 AM EST

Please describe the exact requirements for a work of fiction to be properly marked as such. Who shall enforce these requirements? Who shall we nominate as the censor to determine what content is and is not appropriate for Internet posting?

You say, "Let him rot." I understand your distemper, but I assure you: if he goes to prison for this action, we shall be the ones rotting.

I'm directly under the Earth's sun ... ... now!
[ Parent ]

well (none / 0) (#48)
by the77x42 on Tue Oct 31, 2006 at 12:30:03 AM EST

society does bind your actions. as much as i am sure everyone would love to divulge their plans for world domination through terrorism, their love of child pornography, and their penchant for "killing all cocksucking niggers" -- you just can't.

Go stand on a street corner and spew out your views, plans, and ideas of terrorism or of anything offensive. See how long you last. Will you cry in the name of free speech? Is it undermining your views that you cannot express them because 99.9% of the population finds them revolting?

Perhaps your views are in fact a fiction. In which cause, their expression is a form of taunting, or disobedience, or, simple toe-stepping. Surprise, their are consequences for such actions. We are free as individuals. Free, for the most part, in a private setting. Once you enter the public arena, however, we are anything but free, and if your views upset the public balance, the public hits back.

"We're not here to educate. We're here to point and laugh." - creature
"You have some pretty stupid ideas." - indubitable ‮

[ Parent ]

one news report on Tv mentioned Voxel dot net (3.00 / 4) (#23)
by insomnyuk on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 08:01:20 PM EST

as the host for the website the threat was posted on. Incidentally it's a sponsor of K5.

I feel sorry for that guy, he admits to masturbating? WTF. Weird. Everybody knows it happens but it's one thing to admit it.

"There is only one honest impulse at the bottom of Puritanism, and that is the impulse to punish the man with a superior capacity for happiness." - H.L. Mencken

I masturbate. $ (none / 0) (#47)
by Water on Mon Oct 30, 2006 at 10:38:31 PM EST

[ Parent ]
You can't try too hard. (3.00 / 4) (#24)
by Psycho Dave on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 09:20:07 PM EST

Stuff like FNH or that stadium hoax happens more by accident than by design. You can't try too hard with that shit or it looks forced.

Besides, K5 has nothing on real trolls like Ann Coulter, Michael Moore, or Michael Savage. I've been listening to the Savage Nation a lot lately because he's such a jackass. I don't see how any person with a reflection can actually *like* that guy.

Real trolls get paid.

It will be one of us! (none / 1) (#26)
by United Fools on Sun Oct 22, 2006 at 11:08:47 PM EST

We are sure of that!

We are united, we are fools, and we are America!

His mistake was to be too specific (3.00 / 5) (#27)
by harrystottle on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 04:52:48 AM EST

It's illegal in most places to shout "Fire" in a crowded theatre. If you want to frighten people legally, you must do it like this

Mostly harmless
Um, Nope... (3.00 / 3) (#32)
by virg on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 11:56:53 AM EST

> It's illegal in most places to shout "Fire" in a crowded theatre.

No it isn't. It's illegal to shout "fire" in a crowded movie theater when there's no fire, but that's not the wording, it's the intent. It's illegal to incite a panic without cause. If there's really a fire, you can't be held to task for shouting it, even if someone gets hurt in the ensuing flight.

"Imagine (it won't be hard) that most people would prefer seeing Carrot Top beaten to death with a bag of walnuts." - Jmzero
[ Parent ]
oh yeah (none / 1) (#33)
by harrystottle on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 12:36:30 PM EST

APART from when the theatre's on fire...

Mostly harmless
[ Parent ]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re (3.00 / 3) (#39)
by joto on Tue Oct 24, 2006 at 06:46:09 AM EST

I fail to see how frightening people has anything to do with causing a panic (which is what the "fire in a crowded theatre"-cliché is all about).

It is not illegal to frighten people. If it was illegal to frighten people, we couldn't talk about the depleting of the ozone layer, the danger of driving without seatbelts, or the hazards of smoking. And I know that a pretty large percentage of hollywood movies would be outlawed too.

[ Parent ]

Two Strategeries (3.00 / 7) (#28)
by Entendre Entendre on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 06:49:00 AM EST

1) Do not speak in the future tense. Then it sounds like a threat and the men in black descend upon you. Speak in the past tense.

The clueful have alreay compared our "reporting" to that of any major news outlet, and they quickly foudn that we were making shit up. The not-so-clueful still belive that it's already started...

2) Use improbable (as in "unlikely to succeed") methods of attack. Again, we're spreading laughter as well as apocolyptic horror stories, and it all depends on the intelligence of each person in the audience. For example:

When the TSA relaxed the rules of liquids, they were wholly unprepared for travelling families of Buddhist suicide bombers, each packing a box of pop-rocks and a can of coke. Similiarly laden planes took off simultaneously from LAX, PDX, SEA, all bound for Nevada. But before the would-be gamblers could start counting their coins, the buddhists starting chanting, downing fist-fuls of pop rocks, and swilling coke. Minutes later, the pop-rock-soda bomb hit criticality in a stomach fo a teenager over Idaho, and the airframe around him was weakend by the blast. Two detonated family members later, the aircraft was spiralling to earth, as were the similarly doomed planes from CA and OR.

So there's part one. Anybody want to follow up? If this line of storytelling gets legs, I say we post an anthology (collected reports from all over the US (world?)) Welles-ifiy it a little, and see if it his FP.

LSD has been reported in the water supply somewhere, possibly carried in by trained pigeons. Does anyone have the details?

100,000 Muslims in Seattle simultaneously unplugged their houses from the electrical grid, declaring their independence from the US and (accidentally or deliberately, we'll never know) creating a reverse power surge which has disabled all electrical power in downtown Seattle. There are rumours of a coordinated toilet-flushing to follow.

Reduce firearm violence: aim carefully.

Excellent! (none / 1) (#31)
by HackerCracker on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 11:13:45 AM EST

If stuff like this goes to the queue, I will be among the first to vote it +1FP.

[ Parent ]
a coordinated toilet-flushing to follow (3.00 / 5) (#35)
by wiredog on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 03:09:52 PM EST

Best Terrorist Attack Evar.

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

[ Parent ]
what a load of shit! nt (3.00 / 7) (#37)
by circletimessquare on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 03:36:51 PM EST

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
K5 has already done this (3.00 / 6) (#36)
by wiredog on Mon Oct 23, 2006 at 03:12:53 PM EST

In 2002 one of us got a visit from the Goon Squad, errr, the USSS, after posting some speculative howto in the comments to a story. He ended up with an FP piece on his visit from the USSS.

Wilford Brimley scares my chickens.
Phil the Canuck

HIREZ PROOF OR STFU $ (2.00 / 2) (#38)
by HackerCracker on Tue Oct 24, 2006 at 12:32:45 AM EST

[ Parent ]
I left the proof at your mom's house (3.00 / 3) (#40)
by curien on Tue Oct 24, 2006 at 08:54:57 AM EST

But here's a copy:

I'm directly under the Earth's sun ... ... now!
[ Parent ]
HOLY FUCKING CRAP (none / 0) (#42)
by HackerCracker on Tue Oct 24, 2006 at 11:24:55 PM EST

I guess it isn't too surprising that they figured out who he was (especially since he seemed to put his full name in his .sig). But damn, what a waste of time and energy all the way around.

It is odd that his diary is still accessible while his user page isn't.

[ Parent ]
4chan wins again. (none / 1) (#41)
by Mylakovich on Tue Oct 24, 2006 at 10:57:27 AM EST

Don't mess with football.

NO U (n/t) (none / 0) (#44)
by eMb on Wed Oct 25, 2006 at 08:26:35 AM EST

He's joking bubba (none / 0) (#45)
by meatsandwich on Wed Oct 25, 2006 at 03:54:05 PM EST

You link to and partially quote from what you suggest is his everything2 page. The full quote is:

My name is Jake Brahm. I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. My hobbies include masturbating, watching foreign language films, playing cards, drumming, and sleeping. One day I hope to leave my house. In the near future I would like to buy a new pair of socks. Autumn and winter are my favorite seasons, and I dislike summer and spring the most. I am not black.

I suggest to you that you are (intentionally) missing a joke.

lolz (none / 0) (#46)
by actmodern on Thu Oct 26, 2006 at 08:19:07 AM EST

us government falls for internet trollz. my gawd, DON'T THESE PEOPLE EVEN TRY?

LilDebbie challenge: produce the water sports scene from bable or stfu. It does not exist.
Congrats K5 (none / 0) (#49)
by CYwolf on Wed Nov 01, 2006 at 03:15:53 AM EST

A week later, and everybody seems to have resisted the temptation. My how you've grown. What will you do with this new-found willpower?

It should have been one of us | 49 comments (45 topical, 4 editorial, 0 hidden)
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