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Mortality and the Obsessive Internet Poster

By circletimessquare in Internet
Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 07:54:22 AM EST
Tags: death, internet: serious business (all tags)

On Friday, September 7th, 2007, an obsessive Internet poster was struck and killed by a school bus while bicycling in Minneapolis. (Hello LilDebbie: are you still with us?)

The man had only an iPod and a set of keys on him, no wallet, and he was in fact identified via his iPod. Which is a whole other commentary on mortality and the march of technology. But our concern today is with another new Internet issue: what happens when an obsessive Internet poster dies?


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Most of us are pretty young, commenting away here in the ether. Thinking about our mortality is not something that takes up a lot of our time. In fact, Adam Ray Finley was only 30 when he was killed. He wasn't thinking about what his last words on the Internet would be. Plenty a "First Post!" we have all seen, but does any of us truly think about writing our last post? Well, what happens to our online persona when our meatspace avatar shuffles the mortal coil?

As it happens, the entirety of his favorite site, tvsquad.com, has been dedicated to running front page repeats of his past stories as of Monday, September 10, 2007. That's quite a tribute. Which gets me to thinking: when that Al Qaeda truck bomb rolls through Midtown Manhattan and I'm out on the sidewalk, going to buy my burrito... what will happen to all of the genius level polemics I have been carefully scribing on Kuro5hin over the years?

And so, I've drawn up my last will and testament for Kuro5hin:

When I kick the bucket, hopefully not under the wheels of a bus, I want all of my posts engraved on a superhard oxide ceramic ever-so-slowly by laser ablation. It'll never, ever "rot," it'll never get scratched unless you blast it with diamond powder, and it's stable forever at room temperature. I also need etched plates with pictures depicting the encoding method and data format, starting with basic physics of light diffraction. Yes, this is very expensive and tedious, but you all know it is worth it.

Then a copy should be given to every Kuron so they can evangelize the word of circletimessquare and imprint the vital contents of my thoughts into the cultural DNA of the entire human species. Something like the Bible or the Koran, only without all of the ecclesiastically sanctioned death and murder, just lots of figurative and poetic "CHOKE ON YOUR COCK AND DIE K THX".

This is the only worthy fate for my Kuro5hin posts that I can imagine after I die. So Rusty, get to work, and someone start a committee to start the fundraising for this vital project. Tick tock, tick tock!

Please take the time below to post your last will and testament for your Kuro5hin archive. You may think it's a joke, but you don't know when that school bus is going to roll over you. Better now than later, especially if there is no more later.

Like Alex Trebek says for Colonial Penn Life: "the last thing you want to do is leave a burden to your loved ones." Amen Mr. Trebek. I don't want to burden my many loved ones on Kuro5hin with the absence of my presence, Mr. Trebek. I want the whole of humanity to experience the thoughts of circletimessquare for all eternity.

RIP, Adam Ray Finley. We hardly knew ya.

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Related Links
o Kuro5hin
o struck and killed by a school bus while bicycling in Minneapolis
o are you still with us
o tvsquad.co m
o engraved on a superhard oxide ceramic ever-so-slowly by laser ablation. It'll never, ever "rot," it'll never get scratched unless you blast it with diamond powder, and it's stable forever at room temperature. I also need etched plates with pictures depicting the encoding method and data format, starting with basic physics of light diffraction.
o Alex Trebek says for Colonial Penn Life
o RIP, Adam Ray Finley
o Also by circletimessquare


Display: Sort:
Mortality and the Obsessive Internet Poster | 60 comments (59 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
Oh my God, they killed LilDebbie! (3.00 / 2) (#1)
by Troll Hard on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 06:41:40 PM EST

You bastards!

When I die, they can collect all of my Internet postings and make it an autobiography on my life called "The Internet Diarrhea of a Madman" and give the proceeds to the charities that help people with schizo affective disorder.

--------
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it! Mind over Matter Fringe Science for the win!

that's what he gets for bicycling to work... (none / 1) (#52)
by mikelist on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 05:35:29 PM EST

...are you listening mike crawford?

[ Parent ]
btw, it was me, (none / 1) (#53)
by mikelist on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 05:39:56 PM EST

 not onion blister that did the little /s/nay/neigh
thingie inspired by screwing around with sed.

you're welcome.

and more btw, i'm not union bluster, even when i'm delirious.

[ Parent ]

if i die now (none / 1) (#2)
by loteck on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 06:52:10 PM EST

i would prefer to just be forgotten. i haven't done or said anything that has struck me as really significant, yet.. and i've made enough mistakes to where being forgotten will probably work out in my favor.
--
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich
"WHAT AN ETERNAL MOBIUS STRIP OF FELLATIATIC BANALITY THIS IS." -Harry B Otch

well, 1 of 2 possibilities (3.00 / 2) (#10)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:30:42 PM EST

  1. you're an emo, and the tragic mistakes you've made that you allude to are all melodramatic, like not making a deep emough emotional connection with your cat

  2. you're a psychopath: your tragic mistakes include raping and killing a 12 year old girl... you aren't being melodramatic at all, and you're one scary fuck

so after what you said above, you're either a melodramatic emo, or a repentant hardcore con


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
i dont know about emo (none / 0) (#20)
by loteck on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:42:35 PM EST

its more boring than that. my mistakes have been pretty run of the mill, but mistakes nevertheless.

i know, you say: "everyone makes mistakes". yes, good job, have a cookie. everyone will be largely forgotten, too, so it works out doesnt it?
--
"You're in tune to the musical sound of loteck hi-fi, the musical sound that moves right round. Keep on moving ya'll." -Mylakovich
"WHAT AN ETERNAL MOBIUS STRIP OF FELLATIATIC BANALITY THIS IS." -Harry B Otch

[ Parent ]

shit man what did you do? (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:45:05 PM EST

did you feed her torso into a woodchipper?


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
and if you did...what happened to her legs? (none / 0) (#50)
by l1ttledrummerb0y2 on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 07:00:34 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Yummy legs! $ (none / 0) (#51)
by emmons on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 01:25:29 PM EST



---
In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

[ Parent ]
I'm sorely tempted (3.00 / 5) (#3)
by ksandstr on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 06:57:56 PM EST

To go "Only one way to find o~ut! /nt" on this article.

Fin.
Nice update on the sig (3.00 / 4) (#8)
by Blond Treehorn Thug on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:27:55 PM EST

$$

I am amused by the simplicity of this game. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses.
[ Parent ]
Oh shit, that would be horrible (none / 1) (#4)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:09:12 PM EST

CTS, instead of going out buying burritos, please, please order Chinese food delivered instead.

too much lead nt (none / 0) (#5)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:10:47 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
You can never have too much lead in your diet. (3.00 / 2) (#6)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:22:00 PM EST



[ Parent ]
I don't think your brain can get much more damaged (3.00 / 2) (#41)
by Josh Smith II on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 02:41:32 AM EST

Where's our fucking alternate Scoop site, btw? That'd be a great way to preserve your legacy. Not like posting inane replies in an utterly irrelevant article.

-- Josh Smith recommends you take a hulver hike.
[ Parent ]
Who the fuck cares? (3.00 / 5) (#7)
by V on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:26:52 PM EST

Worms will eat your brains. The best use of them, I must say.

V.
---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens

What about fishing? (none / 1) (#9)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:29:47 PM EST



[ Parent ]
fishing with brains? all you catch is zombie fish$ (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:33:49 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
No, with worms. (none / 0) (#13)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:34:32 PM EST



[ Parent ]
why kill defenseless worms? kill people nt (none / 0) (#14)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:37:39 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
But then you don't catch any fish. (none / 0) (#21)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:44:19 PM EST



[ Parent ]
you catch hagfish with people bait (none / 1) (#25)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:48:09 PM EST

ah, lovely hagfish

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
I meant the brains. (3.00 / 2) (#12)
by V on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:34:19 PM EST

Sorry for the confusion.

V.
---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
[ Parent ]

Am I doing this right? (3.00 / 2) (#15)
by glor on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:37:52 PM EST

Everybody sign up at http://pledgebank.com/cts-memorial !

--
Disclaimer: I am not the most intelligent kuron.

nice legaleze wording there fella (none / 1) (#16)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:40:49 PM EST

al qaeda eats falafels, thus, no al qaeda burrito run will ever kill me

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
hooray, success! (none / 1) (#26)
by glor on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:52:23 PM EST


--
Disclaimer: I am not the most intelligent kuron.
[ Parent ]

I signed one up. (none / 1) (#19)
by uid 71137 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:42:13 PM EST



[ Parent ]
I like you, you think big (none / 1) (#17)
by khallow on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:40:53 PM EST

Amen Mr. Trebek. I don't want to burden my many loved ones on Kuro5hin with the absence of my presence, Mr. Trebek. I want the whole of humanity to experience the thoughts of circletimessquare for all eternity.

Yea, let's burden all of mankind. I'd fork out for a cts bible. Especially if it had pictures.

Stating the obvious since 1969.

goatse.cx $ (none / 0) (#18)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:41:21 PM EST



The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
heh (none / 1) (#31)
by khallow on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 08:25:40 PM EST

It'd be buried like a Dorian Gray portrait. The horror would be unleashed upon some unsuspecting world. Unless they've seen a cts bible before.

Stating the obvious since 1969.
[ Parent ]

already happened (none / 0) (#38)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 11:41:28 PM EST

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2006/7/22/14626/4145

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
The CTS bible would be tall (3.00 / 3) (#32)
by some nerd on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 08:41:57 PM EST

with

special

foldout

sections

to

accomodate

the

vertical

spam

for

which

he

is

known

--
Home Sweet Home

[ Parent ]

Do you own any money-making websites? (3.00 / 2) (#23)
by MichaelCrawford on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:45:13 PM EST

Write down all the relevant URLs and passwords, and place them in a secure place that your loved ones know to look for.

Also make tar or zip backups of all your sites, source code and so on, burn them on a CD and put that in the secure place too. If your hosting service goes down - or you get the boot because, being dead, you neglected to pay the bill - your loved ones can restore your sites at a new host.


Looking for some free songs?


i was going to make a funny joke (3.00 / 3) (#24)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:46:30 PM EST

but that's just to obvious and good advice that i haven't taken to say anything but "shit, yeah, i should do that"


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
two epitaphs, i'm fond of- (3.00 / 5) (#27)
by nononoitaintmebabe on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:56:25 PM EST

In Newbury, England [1742]
Tom Smith is dead, and here he lies,
Nobody laughs and nobody cries;
Where his soul's gone, or how it fares,
Nobody knows, and nobody cares

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

my fave (3.00 / 3) (#29)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 08:07:54 PM EST

http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/headstone.asp

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]
that's pretty funny. (none / 1) (#30)
by nononoitaintmebabe on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 08:15:24 PM EST



[ Parent ]
Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite (3.00 / 3) (#33)
by TDS on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 08:48:58 PM EST

RIP Spike.

And when we die, we will die with our hands unbound. This is why we fight.
[ Parent ]
My only desire in death (3.00 / 2) (#34)
by LilDebbie on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 09:22:41 PM EST

is to have my body consumed as completely as the best chefs can manage. I figure at least a few of you freaks would be down.

Oh, and any women involved get automatic dibs on muh dick. No necro-faggotry for me kthnx!

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

peter greenaway for you son (none / 0) (#37)
by circletimessquare on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 11:37:19 PM EST

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097108/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114134/

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

that's what that movie is about? (none / 1) (#39)
by LilDebbie on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 12:03:28 AM EST

shit if they just put that on the box, i'd have watched it years ago. always sounded like some fruity foreign flick (and I like fruity foreign flicks, just not ones with chicks).

My name is LilDebbie and I have a garden.
- hugin -

[ Parent ]
i like the pillow book (none / 0) (#43)
by circletimessquare on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:40:15 AM EST

where she turns her boyfriend's skin into an actual book

fucking awesome

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

so women can't have your cock while you're alive (3.00 / 6) (#42)
by livus on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 03:28:21 AM EST

but once you're dead it's suddenly ok?

Oh no it is not. That thing should be sawn off and locked away in a little iron casket.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]

The president of Working Software hired a... (3.00 / 3) (#47)
by MichaelCrawford on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 05:22:12 PM EST

... consultant named Richard Reich to write a new version of their spelling checker Lookup.

Their contract specified that if Richard was late, he would have to send the company his penis in a silver box.

I'm absolutely serious. He was months late, but somehow we never managed to enforce his contractual obligation.


Looking for some free songs?


[ Parent ]

he must have been married (none / 0) (#48)
by circletimessquare on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 12:31:46 AM EST

his wife already had it locked up in the barbed wire cage

and you don't want to get in negotiations with a woman for her husband's penis

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

He actually signed that thing? (none / 0) (#49)
by livus on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 03:32:23 AM EST

jeez.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
I'm pretty sure (none / 0) (#60)
by Phillip Asheo on Tue Sep 18, 2007 at 08:05:07 PM EST

That would be an "unreasonable contract".

--
"Never say what you can grunt. Never grunt what you can wink. Never wink what you can nod, never nod what you can shrug, and don't shrug when it ain't necessary"
-Earl Long
[ Parent ]

when I die (2.57 / 7) (#35)
by balsamic vinigga on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 09:26:35 PM EST

i'm taking all of k5 with me.

---
Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
well I suppose (3.00 / 2) (#36)
by mybostinks on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 09:44:40 PM EST

my legacy at K5 will largely go unnoticed in the general scheme of things.

Missing key data (3.00 / 4) (#40)
by BottleRocket on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 01:55:09 AM EST

What was his last post?

$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
Yes I do download [child pornography], but I don't keep it any longer than I need to, so it can yield insight as to how to find more. --MDC
$ . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $
. . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . * . . . . . *
. ₩ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
$ . . . . . $ . . . . . $ . . . . . $
$B R Σ III$

Since the entire world is in my head (none / 1) (#44)
by rpresser on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 10:55:46 AM EST

the concept of what happens after I die is meaningless.
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
hi (none / 0) (#45)
by circletimessquare on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 11:57:08 AM EST

i'm in your HEAD man

and i'm messing with it


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

[ Parent ]

And Im in ur FRIDGE (3.00 / 2) (#46)
by rpresser on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 12:06:45 PM EST

eatin ur foodz

------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
I'm in ur PC (none / 0) (#59)
by BJH on Tue Sep 18, 2007 at 09:58:21 AM EST

Showing you cliched web memes.
--
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-- Oscar Levant

[ Parent ]
Last Post (3.00 / 2) (#54)
by ShiftyStoner on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 06:44:47 PM EST

THIS IS NOT MY LAST POST!

 
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

Last Post (3.00 / 2) (#55)
by ShiftyStoner on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 06:46:26 PM EST

This is not my last post.

   
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

Last Post (3.00 / 2) (#56)
by ShiftyStoner on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 06:47:02 PM EST

THIS IS NOT MY LAST POST!

 
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

Last Post (2.33 / 3) (#57)
by ShiftyStoner on Wed Sep 12, 2007 at 06:52:00 PM EST

Okay, this is my last post.

If I looked at every single comment I have ever posted and every diary I have ever written. I would not find one post I wouldn't think of as a regrettable last quote.

Live Free Or Die Hard

     
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

If this happens to be (3.00 / 3) (#58)
by seanhbanks on Thu Sep 13, 2007 at 07:49:04 AM EST

my last post, I'd like to use it to express my joy at remembering at the last second that I already had an account, and so saved myself the embarrassment of squandering $5 on a new one.

I was SO close to paying, which would have been a real shame, because now I can die rich.

Mortality and the Obsessive Internet Poster | 60 comments (59 topical, 1 editorial, 0 hidden)
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