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Slouching at craigslist.org

By GrandWazoo in Internet
Sun May 03, 2009 at 09:39:55 AM EST
Tags: (all tags)

Since the first of the year I have delighted myself trolling Craigslist; primarily of course, in the fertile grounds of the personals. Not knowing much about craigslist at first I started by wasting a whole weekend answering ads just to get an idea of where they are coming from and why.

With the recent news about the evils of MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter and Craigslist (among others) I thought I'd throw my hat in and give my two cents worth (or even less) about how to have a few laughs at best and at worse waste too many hours when I should have been out socializing at my neighborhood bar or out on a date.

First, it didn't take half the night to figure out that the real victims of craigslist personals must be men. It must work like spam in that if you post enough spam in the "Casual Encounters" section then old and young farts alike will bite and hand over their credit card just to chat with their mythical Venusian goddess of love. Once they realize it's a dead end with no return, the game is on to figure out if ANY of the female postings in Casual Encounters are real or not. At least I was curious about it. So don't waste your time I will tell you straight up there's not one the night I tried and I answered them all which is to say approx 100. After the first few, I created 3 templates to use as responses with fill in the blank places that I could specialize each email. I WANT MY TIME BACK. With enough shots of whiskey and watching the night turn from Saturday to Sunday, one CAN begin to wonder who is trolling whom. When I realized how tired I was, I quit for the night and decided to start fresh sometime later that day. In the mean time my bogus email account was filling up quickly with wretched email from the most alluring sluts that ever sent an email.

If you were to take a snapshot demographic of the craigslist personals you'd be clearly convinced that the Internet was 60% horny women and only 40% horny men. Of course this is not a scientific observation of any kind but maybe that's another diary. At least half of those 60% women are sluts just breathlessly waiting for you to bang each of them. You could almost make the observation that at least half of the men on the Internet are either looking for trannies or wanting guys to suck their cock at a nice motel parking lot near the airport at midnight or just after the bars close.

What this means to me (if you are to believe the above snapshot) that if you assume (but please don't) that Craigslist.org is a virtual gathering place that mirrors REAL LIFE then it COULD follow that other public places in real life like Barnes & Nobles, Walmart, Target or your favorite supermarket that have a good number of women frequenting them are the sluts, the cheaters, the swingers or kinky BDSM types that constantly pound away on their keyboards and placing desperate, lustful ads on Craigslist. Yeah and that means even those lovely MILFs with two or three kids hanging around that go to church on Sundays and teach Sunday school. It would be like walking into a used car dealership with 100 salesmen and you're the only customer, with only 3 Yugos to sell and none of them are listening to a word you're saying.

For laughs respond to one of the ads (no on second thought don't), ask very specific questions and you will get back an answer that is complete nonsense. What you will receive back are misspelled words, grammar that looks like it was written by a Russian porn actress texting and a URL that takes you to a site that 9 times out of 10 (if you are using FF) warns you of malicious malware on the site which is probably hosted at some back alley, dog food, Ukrainian data center run by zit-faced underemployed Russian programmers jerking off to some cheesy Russian MILF gangbang porn. They are worse than all those cheesy MySpace web sites (almost as bad as porn) that automatically start playing their favorite playlist of shitty music the second the page loads.

You tire of this quickly. In fact, I can see how if you are a depressive type you might end up wanting to slit your throat after 3 hours of this total time wasting trip into the tubes of the Internet. Rest assured though that after a few mind numbing hours of this you just might get a real person on the other end. This happened to me once in answering an ad. Problem was I ended up with a couple of high school or college kids on Yahoo IM and for laughs we trolled each other for about 10 minutes until we bored each other to death. One night of answering ads will cure you of ever wanting to do it again. Trust me on this.

No, the real gold at Craigslist is placing your own ad or writing a rant or rave that is so totally outrageous that when you DO get a response back, you quit wondering why people answer the bot ads. It hardly takes any cleverness to do so and it is a great way to have an evening's fun if you're so inclined or so bored you forgot your real name.

Most normal females won't respond to any ad in the personals and Worse they won't place an ad there either, not unless they want their inbox stuffed full of a years worth of erect cock photographs to pick and choose from. This is probably 90+% of the responses they would receive. Another 9% send out not only a photo of their endowment but also write some of the weirdest, most bizarre shit you've ever read. If a woman has never placed an ad before she quickly learns not to ever do it again and usually they go in and delete the ad..."This posting has been flagged for removal" but it's more like "This posting has been flogged for removal" for all the pounding their inbox took. If you are trolling and impersonating a female get ready for some hardcore shit...a laugh a minute. You'll end up with a double hernia instead of a double penetration you were hoping for.

There is another area of gold and these gems are the "Discussion Forums". This is where you go when you have a quart of Colt 45 and a cheap pack of cigarettes rolled up in your t-shirt sleeve. It's sort of like entering a men's club with no one around but a bunch of perverts and transvestites. Of particular note is the 'kink' forum. Make sure you do a Google images search first for your favorite kink so when someone asks you for a photo you can send them one. These forums will remind you of the long threads we have on K5 between anyone and CTS. However, the level of depravity in the Kink forum goes from 'normal' to 'whoop-ass-with-cat-'o-nine-tails nasty' matched only by the Marquis de Sade in the original French.

I guess though when it's all said and done it might be possible to find your true love in the personals but I seriously doubt it. It's just that wading through all the total crap in your inbox, bot spam and pencil necked geeks becomes a tiresome task. I would think going to Barnes & Noble late at night and hitting on someone in the Tantric sex section would yield better results. Come to think of it I could use a latte right about now.


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Display: Sort:
Slouching at craigslist.org | 31 comments (18 topical, 13 editorial, 0 hidden)
You spent a weekend trolling craigslist? (1.83 / 6) (#8)
by Korean Loller Blader on Fri May 01, 2009 at 04:21:12 PM EST

OMG, that's even worse than the people posting there in the personals. YHBT by yourself.
D'oh! I can't seem to talk to the mod_
i did it so that (none / 0) (#9)
by GrandWazoo on Fri May 01, 2009 at 05:22:27 PM EST

you would not have to suffer through it yourself. Just doing my part to give back.

[ Parent ]
I didn't read that thing you wrote past the part (none / 0) (#10)
by Korean Loller Blader on Fri May 01, 2009 at 05:23:32 PM EST

where you admit to being a complete loser by trolling cragslist for an entire weekend.
D'oh! I can't seem to talk to the mod_
[ Parent ]
excellent observation (none / 0) (#11)
by GrandWazoo on Fri May 01, 2009 at 05:36:43 PM EST

and props for sticking with it that far.

still it was a sacrifice i was willing to make.

[ Parent ]

I seriously doubt that anyone who trolls (none / 1) (#12)
by Korean Loller Blader on Fri May 01, 2009 at 07:34:45 PM EST

craigslist for an entire WEEKEND has any sacrifice to make beyond offering a friend some Code Red and a few licorice twists. Let's not make it out nto be something it's not, hmmm?
D'oh! I can't seem to talk to the mod_
[ Parent ]
which is probably why your comment sounds so (none / 0) (#23)
by achievingfluidity on Sun May 03, 2009 at 12:39:21 AM EST

stupid. had you read the article you would have at least made a half witted comment.


[ Parent ]

Maybe. But i'm not the one that spent (none / 0) (#26)
by Korean Loller Blader on Sun May 03, 2009 at 07:22:08 AM EST

AN ENTIRE WEEKEND trolling people on the computer. How's that life working out for you, kid?
D'oh! I can't seem to talk to the mod_
[ Parent ]
i've fcked like 20+ bitches from that site. (none / 0) (#31)
by Ron Paul on Wed Jun 24, 2009 at 02:02:22 AM EST

This [Ron Paul] Diary! has brought Kuro5hin back to life! HUZZAH

[ Parent ]

which personals? (none / 0) (#15)
by nateo on Fri May 01, 2009 at 08:08:27 PM EST

casual encounters?  women seeking men?  is this a stupid question?

"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
Funny that you (none / 1) (#18)
by dakini on Sat May 02, 2009 at 03:26:18 AM EST

should have done this, as I have a friend who did the same thing and she said it was the so called "men" who were the assholes. Maybe you were one?

" May your vision be clear, your heart strong, and may you always follow your dreams."
i think you need to reread article (none / 0) (#21)
by achievingfluidity on Sat May 02, 2009 at 01:16:28 PM EST

that's not what he is saying at all. he is saying exactly what you are saying.


[ Parent ]

Richard Stallman has a Best O' Craiglist Personal (3.00 / 6) (#19)
by MichaelCrawford on Sat May 02, 2009 at 09:52:30 AM EST

Let me find you... a link.

It's apparently authentic, as he has a copy of the ad on his own personal site.

Start coding, ladies.


Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy

Yeesh (none / 1) (#22)
by Armstrong Hammer on Sat May 02, 2009 at 02:18:28 PM EST

he really looks like that and writes like that?

I think he will get a few freakish ladies out of that to email him. If Bill Gates got lucky, so can Richard Stallman.

Learn about the true liberal agenda in the United States of America.

[ Parent ]
this article is so 2005 (none / 0) (#25)
by Ezra Loomis Pound on Sun May 03, 2009 at 05:59:41 AM EST

Seems something similar got voted down maybe as early as ca. 2004.

:::"Let me tell ya, if she wasn't cut out to handle some fake boy online, well sister, life only gets more difficult, and you only get more emo as you age." --balsamic vinigga :::#_#:::
lol personals... (none / 1) (#27)
by viza on Wed May 13, 2009 at 02:41:32 PM EST

I've gotten more pussy on facebook in 6 months (without even trying) than adult friend finder + all the others in 6. 0% success rate on those.

I'm currently dating a hot attorney with a genius intellect, 38D's and an ass that brings tears of joy to my eyes every time I see it. She's a keeper (tells me I am) and busts my balls as much as I bust hers. Been with her 4 months already.

Not bad considering my divorce isn't even finalized yet and I'm 40.

Trick: Register "looking for friendship and networking".

Don't say you are looking for dating and women. It's a turn off and makes you look desperate. Get lots of pictures with your female friends and post them up.

It lets women know you aren't a total waste of flesh if you have friends and women at least talk to you.

Don't post stupid crap on their walls either. Keep it light, and ask them out via private message, but only after you establish rappor. If they say no, move on.

Worked for me. Then again, I'm dead sexy (a legend in my own mind), so your mileage may vary.

proof? /nt (none / 1) (#28)
by MajorMentallist on Thu May 14, 2009 at 11:54:54 PM EST

[ Parent ]
The rfjason Craigslist experiment did this (none / 0) (#29)
by it certainly is on Thu Jun 18, 2009 at 01:31:49 PM EST

many years ago, and at least with that one, we got to see the responses rather than a (significantly more dull) summary of the responses.

kur0shin.org -- it certainly is

Godwin's law [...] is impossible to violate except with an infinitely long thread that doesn't mention nazis.

I have fucked tons of women off CL (none / 0) (#30)
by Ron Paul on Fri Jun 19, 2009 at 05:28:50 AM EST

I know how to seperate the spamz from the hoez.

This [Ron Paul] Diary! has brought Kuro5hin back to life! HUZZAH


Slouching at craigslist.org | 31 comments (18 topical, 13 editorial, 0 hidden)
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