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Slavery NOW!®

By Tatarigami in Media
Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 02:54:31 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

Reading a news article on the the latest round of implausible lawsuits while talking to a customer who wanted help to turn up the volume on his mobile phone, it occurred to me that this is the tangible result of a new and insidious undercurrent of stupidity in our culture, which we've grudgingly tolerated only because our economic model depends on a minority that spend without restraint or forethought.

However, after a sleepless night of contemplation, I think I've come up with a viable alternative which would give us the benefit of the stupid as a means of production, while safeguarding civilisation from their influence at the same time: slaves. I figure that everyone would benefit from some good old-fashioned oppression. Regular people get a work force of able-bodied menials to handle the dirty or demeaning tasks that keep society rumbling onward, and the stupid would have the benefit of overseers to slap them into silence if they get that constipated look that means they're about to try and talk. Yes! Perfect!

But coming up with the plan was the easy part. How was I going to sell this idea to the world? Particularly the segment of the world I'm planning to subjugate? The answer took my breath away with its simplicity. Given the right marketing spin, slavery would sell itself...

"Have you ever wished there was a way to coast through your days, living vicariously through others? Have you found yourself daunted by even the most basic and undemanding responsibilities of a parent, spouse and citizen of the free world? Have you ever despaired at the thought of getting your own life organised and wished there was someone to do it for you?"

"You bet I have!"

"Well we have a product that can CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Slavery NOW!® can make that independent thinking that used to be so very difficult so very EASY!"

"I'd love to have someone take control of my life for me. But isn't slavery bad?"

"Slavery programmes in the past have been subject to bad management and unequal treatment which left participants feeling cheated. Why, until Slavery NOW!®, slavery was only available to ethnic minorities and captured enemy soldiers!"

"That's terrible!"

"That's right! But the Slavery NOW!® programme is available to ANYONE regardless of race or prisoner-of-war status."

"What does Slavery NOW!® have to offer to me?"

"As a Slavery NOW!® participant, you get your own attractive and unremovable electronic tracking collar, a discreet identification tattoo and owner's mark, and here's the best part: one of our expert overseers, or 'life guides' as we prefer to call them will TAKE OVER THE DAY-TO-DAY RUNNING OF YOUR LIFE! Imagine it! No more responsibility to pick the best leader for your country, because you won't be voting. No more suspicions that the cashier at the local store short-changed you, because you won't be permitted to handle cash. No more wondering what to have for dinner or whether you need a haircut this week because ALL THOSE DECISIONS WILL BE MADE FOR YOU!

"Your life guide will be there to administer on-the-spot correction if you try to think for yourself or exercise a right you no longer possess. All our life guides are experts at PHYSICAL COERCION AND PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION!"

"What's physical co -- co ---"


"Wow! But what does it cost?"

"It's hard to believe, but Slavery NOW!® doesn't cost you ANYTHING! That's right, you can be a Slavery NOW!® participant at NO COST to you. The only compensation our dedicated life guides receive in exchange for their services is the benefit of your physical labour! And the great thing about Slavery NOW!® is that the more people who join the programme, the cheaper it is for us to provide the service! Sign up all of your friends!"

"I can't believe it! It's FREE?"

"Completely free!"

"Well that sounds great. But I'm still not convinced."

"Maybe this will change your mind: for a limited time, Slavery NOW!® is available as a trial offer. At the end of thirty days your life guide will conduct an assessment to see if slavery is the best option for your future, and if he thinks that uncompensated servitude to his merest whim isn't right for you, you'll be FREED IMMEDIATELY!"

"But what else?"

"STILL not convinced? Then how about this: if your life guide's assessment recommends freeing you, we'll refund DOUBLE the amount you paid!"

"I thought you said it didn't cost --"

"That's the beauty of Slavery NOW!®! You don't have to think anymore!"

"I'm convinced. Sign me up!"

"You made the right choice! Now, clean this place up. I want the dishes washed, the beds made, the carpet vacuumed and the bathroom scrubbed before I get home from work. I want that toilet so clean you could lick it, and don't think I won't make you prove it. Then you can hustle that cute little ass upstairs while I pick out a ballgag and a set of handcuffs for you."

"I don't think I like slavery after all."

"Still trying to think independently, huh? I'll bring my taser."


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Display: Sort:
Slavery NOW!® | 94 comments (79 topical, 15 editorial, 0 hidden)
-1: Fools say no to slavery (2.40 / 5) (#4)
by United Fools on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 02:19:14 AM EST

We oppose slavery of any kind. We fools ask for self determination.
We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
Oh no (4.50 / 2) (#5)
by Tatarigami on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 02:31:05 AM EST

Fools say no to slavery

My god, if you and your supporters rally behind a slogan like that, my cause is lost! Please don't make this the central manifesto of an organised force to oppose me!


[ Parent ]
Use it to your advantage (4.50 / 2) (#35)
by Josh A on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:31:02 PM EST

So you'll lose out on the ones already past their prime who buy into Just Say No nonsense... you don't want them anyway... get 'em while their young. Use Fools Say No to Slavery to make your hip and rebellious product seem that much more glamorous.

Thank God for Canada, if only because they annoy the Republicans so much. – Blarney

[ Parent ]
Genius (4.42 / 7) (#7)
by MadDreamer on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:04:01 AM EST

Pure genius! And you know, it just might work. Sign me up if it does.

This made me think of a sad incident at my local university recently. Our far right-wing student news-rag printed an excellent troll about the reparations controversy in which someone suggested that if children of slaves get reparations then every white male bringing in over 100,000 dollars a year should get a black slave. Students rallied, and they even got the airheaded university president out spouting such comments as 'I know when the right to free speech has gone too far.' It's times like these that make me anticipate armageddon.

On the flip slide of this (2.00 / 3) (#28)
by z1 on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 01:14:48 PM EST

I would a cute athletic blonde who likes wierd things, this could be marketable, and she wouldnt have to do windows ;)
The culmination of Human history is me.
[ Parent ]
Whats the big deal? (none / 0) (#73)
by NDPTAL85 on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 07:57:28 PM EST

I don't know why you're so upset. Sometimes the right to free speech DOES go too far. It doesn't mean the right should be revoked, just that such an event should be recognized and the person making the comments that bring that thought to mind should be dealt with quickly and efficiently with a modicum of pain. With Free Speech comes Great Responsibility. Like the responsibility to yourself not to make a fool out of yourself.

[ Parent ]
Nay (none / 0) (#75)
by MadDreamer on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 09:32:35 AM EST

With free speech comes free speech. As long as I'm not giving away government secrets by my speech or screaming 'theater' in a crowded fire, I'm pretty much free to speak my mind about whatever I want. Especially with tongue firmly in cheek.

The writer of said article was obviously attempting to be funny. Even if it was a poor attempt, his right to do so is entirely covered. In the U.S. of A. we'll still have our free speech rights for a little while yet, until Lord Bush II whittles them away to nothing. ; )

[ Parent ]
Global economy (3.00 / 12) (#15)
by drquick on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 05:29:09 AM EST

Isn't slavery what we have?

The slaves produce obediently and get little tokens called paychecks and they spend them, but the real rewards - power, influence, riches, wealth - stays within the corporate elite.

Oh, sure you have the illusion of changing your job and your employer, but it's still part of the same global economy.

What corporate elite ? (4.87 / 16) (#16)
by Betcour on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 05:35:39 AM EST

If you live in US, Europe or Japan, you ARE the "corporate elite". If your 12 year old kid isn't already hard at work at 7 am, that means you are part of the "ruling elite", the one who can afford those Nike shoes the slaves made.

The (evil) genius of global capitalism is that it managed to make slavery survive by hiding the slaves far away from the masters, so they don't have to feel guilty about abusing their labor anymore.

[ Parent ]
Right (5.00 / 4) (#22)
by drquick on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 10:40:42 AM EST

Good comment. I guess I belong to the global elite.

Only one more thing: Your comment brings up the issue of relative slavery. Sure the poor kids in Pakistan make our kids shoes but, that global system is really cloaked by its relativism. There is a global middle class were I suppose we really belong.

[ Parent ]

The middle class? (4.00 / 4) (#30)
by Estanislao Martínez on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 01:50:31 PM EST

You mean the slave-handlers?

[ Parent ]

What? (3.00 / 2) (#41)
by Spendocrat on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 04:17:41 PM EST

That doesn't even make sense. Most "middle-class" people in industrialized nations never see the third world. Your metaphor sucks.

[ Parent ]
Neither of you are making any sense. (3.00 / 2) (#49)
by abulafia on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 07:29:37 PM EST

You both suck. You're not even really discussing the original topic. I think I'm going to go clean the bathroom now.

[ Parent ]
Excellent! [n/t] (3.00 / 1) (#58)
by Spendocrat on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 01:25:34 AM EST

[ Parent ]
See the third world (none / 0) (#62)
by drquick on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 03:49:24 AM EST


Indeed most of us who profit from the global economy never see the third world. Yet they are effectively our slaves!

[ Parent ]

Exactly (none / 0) (#72)
by Spendocrat on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 07:21:48 PM EST

To benefit from slavery does not require one to be a slave handler. I think a better candidate for slave handlers would be the gov'ts of the first and third worlds.

[ Parent ]
Handlers (5.00 / 1) (#82)
by bbartee on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 11:59:16 AM EST

From here...

Take a look at this explanation of the middle class:

"They fill this slot and their situation is that they have a relative monopoly on knowledge and skills that are associated with workplace decision-making. So the capitalists have a monopoly on property and ultimate power. But these manager folks have a monopoly on daily workplace knowledge and skills. And they have it by virtue of some kind of rip-off, in some sense, which aspect we'll come to in a little while. But anyway, they have a relative monopoly and by it they have control over the nature of their work to a considerable degree. Not 100 percent but to a large degree in that they largely define the character of their work and they define the character of life and work of all the other people on the job, the workers, and that gives them a different set of interests than those that other folks have, and a different perspective."

Who is this person?
[ Parent ]
Lighten up (4.00 / 4) (#17)
by Tatarigami on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 06:51:54 AM EST

You can take five minutes away from bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders for a bit of a chuckle. If you don't find the article funny, then have a laugh at my efforts to get it posted.

The injustices of the world aren't going to leave without you...

[ Parent ]
rate 1 you're stupid (none / 0) (#67)
by Fen on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 09:47:45 AM EST

Wish I could rate a zero.
[ Parent ]
Did you ever think... (none / 0) (#91)
by vectro on Sun Oct 06, 2002 at 12:58:06 PM EST

Maybe there's a reason you're not allowed to rate zero?

“The problem with that definition is just that it's bullshit.” -- localroger
[ Parent ]
Solution (4.00 / 4) (#24)
by Stick on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 11:32:05 AM EST

Start your own business.

Stick, thine posts bring light to mine eyes, tingles to my loins. Yea, each moment I sit, my monitor before me, waiting, yearning, needing your prose to make the moment complete. - Joh3n
[ Parent ]
You may be a businessman or some high degree thief (4.00 / 4) (#26)
by borderline on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 12:50:24 PM EST

But you're gonna have to serve somebody.

[ Parent ]
I was thinking the same thing (4.00 / 1) (#27)
by gibichung on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 01:13:58 PM EST

when I read that comment. Funny that he didn't consider that when expanding his definition of slavery.

"No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's permission when we require him to obey it." -- Theodore Roosevelt
[ Parent ]
Yea (4.00 / 2) (#29)
by Stick on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 01:18:35 PM EST

There's gravity, pyshics, and mother nature. Life is so unfair.

Stick, thine posts bring light to mine eyes, tingles to my loins. Yea, each moment I sit, my monitor before me, waiting, yearning, needing your prose to make the moment complete. - Joh3n
[ Parent ]
It's not equality. (5.00 / 2) (#64)
by drquick on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 04:35:16 AM EST

The point was that the slaves of this world have their own business. It only looks like equality or fredom. You don't control the prices, your rights, you can't buy and sell freely (because of, patents, customs, IMF, regulations, etc,...)

We are not participating in the global economy - or the local economies for that matter - on an equal basis. Running your own business doesn't help. You are still selling yourself on someone else's rules. The farmers in the third world are certainly running their own businesses, but they have not the same rights on the global market.

[ Parent ]

Flaw in the plan (4.37 / 8) (#18)
by dark on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 08:31:00 AM EST

Who needs stupid slaves? Looking after them would actually be work. They would be useless around the house (keep mixing white laundry and coloured, etc), they can't go shopping, you can't let them near paints or power tools, they'd ruin your garden... looks like the gag and cuffs are the only way to get anything useful out of them. It's just not worth it.

No. you're thinking "retarded" (none / 0) (#69)
by Wah on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 09:55:03 AM EST

Stupid people can handle all of those things you've mentioned, and handle them well.  It's the retarted people we'll have to eat, or feed to the pigs, to get something useful out of.
You didn't know we had cameras in your room, Parent ]
congratulations, you are a nazi (1.37 / 16) (#20)
by turmeric on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 09:54:02 AM EST

they already had this idea. please go read 'mein kampf' and understand exactly where your train of thought leads you. then please remember which fucking sector of the economy caused the current recession: hint: it wasnt lawyers and it sure as fuck wasnt fast food or celphones

Clue (4.40 / 5) (#23)
by greenrd on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 11:08:36 AM EST

I'm pretty sure this article is a joke. Hence the banana.

"Capitalism is the absurd belief that the worst of men, for the worst of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all." -- John Maynard Keynes
[ Parent ]

Sir, I am a Nazi (5.00 / 14) (#25)
by Stick on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 11:34:41 AM EST

And I find your comments offensive. Please remove them. And your pants, remove those too.

Stick, thine posts bring light to mine eyes, tingles to my loins. Yea, each moment I sit, my monitor before me, waiting, yearning, needing your prose to make the moment complete. - Joh3n
[ Parent ]
I am? (5.00 / 3) (#39)
by Tatarigami on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:59:52 PM EST

I thought I wrote this article as a joke, but I guess you've seen some undeniable element of genuine fascism in it that I was subconsciously blocking.

Thank you for helping me to realise my true calling, I'm headed off to work on my next project now: Concentration Camp Lite®. I'll send a goon squad to give you a personalised tour once the facility is open.

[ Parent ]
yes sort of like telling 'jew jokes' (1.00 / 2) (#55)
by turmeric on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 09:15:22 PM EST

or jokes about black people. aka NOT FUNNY

[ Parent ]
ok actually nevermind (4.00 / 3) (#56)
by turmeric on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 09:17:48 PM EST

you know, i am sorry... i had a bit of a 'knee jerk' reaction to your story, and didnt actually read the whole thing.

but i have a really really good excuse: at the time i was battling world communism, trying to save the earth from an axis of evil. dont you see that my intentions excuse my actions? i am just like george w, i learn from my mistakes. i was all coked up i swear. god its good being a republican, no responsibilities.

[ Parent ]

Not sure whether to laugh or cry (4.83 / 6) (#32)
by localroger on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 02:55:50 PM EST

The thing is, it would probably work. Substitute "slavery" with some unfamiliar word without the associations, but with all the other meaning left intact, and you'd probably get as good a return rate as any other canvassing pitch does.

I can haz blog!

What about.... (5.00 / 3) (#47)
by mickwd on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 06:10:09 PM EST

"Managed Career Service" ?

I'm sure many people would be interested in a "job for life" - just bury the fact you'll be working them to death somewhere in the small print.

[ Parent ]

Perfect term for substitution... (none / 0) (#61)
by gromm on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 03:45:31 AM EST

"Indentured Servitude."

Stupid people (for whom this marketing campaign is intended) wouldn't be able to understand the term. Likely, they would ask questions about the service like "Does this mean you'll pay for my dentures when I get old?" to which your customer service agents would gladly answer "yes."

People who actually have acheived a grade 12 reading level would understand however, and carefully avoid the service in question.

A big selling point would also be that the "life guides" would take care of you and your family for as long as you care to participate.
Deus ex frigerifero
[ Parent ]

No nonono (none / 0) (#66)
by squigly on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 09:21:56 AM EST

Too long, and people might have heard of it before.  

You need a whole new term that's snappy, and implies the complete opposite of what it actually is.  "The World's favourite Airline", or anything from Microsoft that implies choice.

[ Parent ]

I have two little problems with the article (4.50 / 4) (#33)
by pgdn on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:15:55 PM EST

Generally it's a great idea, but:

"our economic model depends on a minority that spend without restraint or forethought."

I believe that the model needs (and we have) a fairly significant majority that speneds without restraint or forethought. You could make a case that we don't need the majority, but I don't think I could be convinced that we don't have it.

Also, you'd need to charge them for this service. As you know, stupid people love cliches and aphorisms, because they are easy substitutes for thinking. One such aphorism is "There's no such thing as a free lunch", so they will immediately be suspicious of anything that doesn't cost them money. I recommend a price somewhere around the cost of a new PC to make them think they're getting something.

Hopefully you can take my suggestions into consideration.

Correction... (none / 0) (#93)
by David McCabe on Thu Nov 14, 2002 at 12:17:17 PM EST

That's, "There AIN'T no such thing as a free lunch". Spoken with a slight hillybilly accent. Get it right. :-)

[ Parent ]
If I recall correctly... (4.00 / 4) (#34)
by xriso on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:22:03 PM EST

Ancient Hebrew culture had something like this voluntary slavery. Of course, one of the rules was that they had to treat slaves well, so it wouldn't deserve the bad rep that modern slavery achieved.
*** Quits: xriso:#kuro5hin (Forever)
Just out of curiosity... (1.50 / 2) (#37)
by rickward on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:44:23 PM EST

...how many former adequacy folk voted against this?

"Crack don't smoke itself." —Traditional

what happened to my nazi comment (2.25 / 4) (#38)
by turmeric on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 03:50:46 PM EST

damn, now you are like a communist nazi

Your comment... (1.50 / 2) (#40)
by Tatarigami on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 04:07:00 PM EST

...went for a ride in an unmarked van.

Nothing to see here. Move along. No stopping.

[ Parent ]
why dont u wack some more aboriginals u kiwi jerk (none / 0) (#92)
by turmeric on Sat Oct 19, 2002 at 11:13:45 PM EST

perhaps next time we will let japan invade your sorry butts

[ Parent ]
You forgot the most important marketing trick (4.50 / 2) (#42)
by triddle on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 04:21:07 PM EST

Everyone knows that it is slavery but no one calls it slavery. Call it something like Happyology or Scientoligy (carefull though, might get you sued) if you want to try to trick people into thinking they have heard of it before. But you can avoid all the 'I thought slavery was bad, duhhh *droool*' comments just by naming it something else.

ScienTOILogy (none / 0) (#77)
by mingofmongo on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 02:29:12 PM EST

"What they don't seem to get is that the key to living the good life is to avoid that brass ring like the fucking plague."
--The Onion
[ Parent ]

Marrige (nt) (none / 0) (#83)
by Cro Magnon on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 12:15:27 PM EST

Information wants to be beer.
[ Parent ]
It's called... (4.12 / 8) (#43)
by jaymz168 on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 04:26:56 PM EST

...minimum wage. Get yourself two minimum wage jobs, and you'll make enough to sustain life and barely have enough time to get a good night's rest, much have any free time. Economic slavery; it's the American way.

Outside the USA: (4.50 / 2) (#45)
by mickwd on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 05:59:56 PM EST

I'd be interested to know what proportion of the world's population lives on less money than one minimum wage.

[ Parent ]
Yeah (4.00 / 3) (#46)
by jaymz168 on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 06:06:14 PM EST

Right after posting I noticed that it was 'too Us-centric.' Anyway, the poor in lots of other countries have it worse than the poor here, I mean look at some of the places that were discussed at the Jo'burg Summit (regardless of how ineffective it was).

[ Parent ]
even in the US (none / 0) (#76)
by dvchka on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 11:46:48 AM EST

adjusting for local rents, etc. doesn't really help if you're on minimum wage. I believe it was this author who tried it and wrote about what she found.

[ Parent ]
Yup (none / 0) (#85)
by jaymz168 on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 06:12:00 PM EST

That was the inspiration for my comment, besides personal experience earlier in life. She held two full-time minimum-wage jobs and could barely support herself.

[ Parent ]
Some data (5.00 / 3) (#48)
by Eloquence on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 06:56:45 PM EST

"Today, across the world, 1.3 billion people live on less than one dollar a day; 3 billion live on under two dollars a day; 1.3 billion have no access to clean water; 3 billion have no access to sanitation; 2 billion have no access to electricity."

This and more depressing stats here.
Copyright law is bad: infoAnarchy · Pleasure is good: Origins of Violence
spread the word!
[ Parent ]

Hate to be anal (4.50 / 4) (#52)
by Anonymous 7324 on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 07:52:30 PM EST

but that figure is only interesting if normalized to the area's costs for a comparable standard of living.

[ Parent ]
OT: phonebashers (3.00 / 1) (#44)
by crazycanuck on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 04:56:58 PM EST

man, I'd really like to kick the shit out of those guys...

(look at the clips. some of the victims are just "guilty" of owning a cellphone, and these people grab them, take their cellphone and destroy it... that's assault, theft and destruction of property. those losers should be in jail)

it's fake (3.00 / 1) (#50)
by CokeFiend on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 07:35:51 PM EST

phonebashers is fake. I had a source for this somewhere but I can't find it...

[ Parent ]
Marketing "Slavery is Freedom" (5.00 / 4) (#51)
by Alethes on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 07:41:16 PM EST

Wouldn't life be wonderful if you didn't have to think about what you were going to do with your time, where you going to live, or even what career choices you were going to pursue?  Well, that moment has arrived!  

Free yourself from the chaos that is life has you know it.  Contact one of our customer care agents to discuss how you can have all of the hardest decisions made for you.  Your job security is guaranteed, as is the highest quality of life available for those who choose a lifestyle of freedom from life's daily struggles!

We're here to work for YOU!

A curious thing (5.00 / 3) (#53)
by localroger on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 08:56:02 PM EST

When Pauline Reage's Story of O was published in 1954, people did not yet wear their handcuffs and ballgags to the rock concert and it was thought necessary to precede the salacious fiction with some ostentatious socially redeeming commentary. One of these commentaries was the essay Happiness in Slavery by Jean Poulhan.

Poulhan begins his screed by recollecting the revolt in Barbados in 1838 which about two hundred recently freed slaves presented their ex-master with a little notebook containing a list of grievances and a demand to have their previous status reinstated.

When the former master, one Genelg, refused, the ex-slaves set upon and massacred him and his family. Whereupon the government returned the favor upon them, and the matter was declared settled.

Poulhan expresses a deep interest in the contents of the little notebook, however. I suspect Slavery Now! memberships would meet a brisk success, even with "slavery" in the title once a few warm testimonials were offered from the first brave volunteers.

I can haz blog!

Have you considered a euphemism? (3.00 / 8) (#54)
by skyknight on Sun Sep 15, 2002 at 09:01:15 PM EST

I'd recommend something like Socialism. At least that way it doesn't sound like you're actively trying to make slaves of them.

It's not much fun at the top. I envy the common people, their hearty meals and Bruce Springsteen and voting. --SIGNOR SPAGHETTI
A better euphemism (3.66 / 6) (#57)
by J'raxis on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 12:08:42 AM EST

I’d recommend something like Capitalism. At least that way it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make slaves of them.

— The Raxis

[ J’raxis·Com | Liberty in your lifetime ]
[ Parent ]

Heh. (5.00 / 2) (#63)
by gromm on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 04:02:32 AM EST

There's nothing like being effectively a slave. In its purest form, capitalists pay their slav^H^H^H^Hworkers the bare minimum they can get away with without a revolt. Basically, so little that  not only *you* have to work, but so does your wife, and all four of your teenaged kids, just to put food on the table and pay rent. This isn't much different from how real slavers had paid for the room and board of the slaves and their families and not actually paid them anything.

Fortunately, those damn pinko bastards that we put into the government passed laws about "minimum wages" and "overtime," which oddly had the effect of increasing production and creating new markets for ever more expensive and useless products.

Interesting. :)
Deus ex frigerifero
[ Parent ]

Ah yes, the Chinese Special Slavery Zone (none / 0) (#70)
by avdi on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 01:05:00 PM EST

That must be why all those poor peasants in China are flocking away from the sweatshops of the Special Economic Zone (the Chinese experiment in capitalism).    Oh wait, no they're not - they're flocking to the SEZ because the sweatshop wages are far higher than they can get for backbreaking farm work, and they are able to send money home to their families even while advancing up to better and better paying jobs.  The program is so successful they're thinking of expanding it, and the workers are overjoyed to have actual opportunity for once.

Stupid peasants, choosing capitalism over communism.   What could they be thinking?

Now leave us, and take your fish with you. - Faramir
[ Parent ]

Or, it could be... (none / 0) (#88)
by beergut on Thu Sep 19, 2002 at 12:59:15 PM EST

... the ever-increasing bite of your paycheck the government takes to fund benefits programs for those who do not work at all!

You are already a slave!

Aren't you all warm and fuzzy inside now?

i don't see any nanorobots or jet engines or laser holography or orbiting death satellites.
i just see some orangutan throwing code-feces at a computer screen.

-- indubitable
[ Parent ]

look around your neck first ... (1.00 / 1) (#59)
by toliman on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 03:16:10 AM EST

if you happen to be wearing a tie, ask yourself, are you a truly free person? is it just symbolism, or are you a slave to an non-personified master, willing and able to serve.

or are you just willing to ignore the very apparent truth for as long as it proves unreasonable to do so, like so many others.

gap clothing and starbucks coffee, the poor man's slavery.
---------- Toliman ----------- Toliman.org. now defunct after the cripping of .au broadband.

The "slavery" of conformism (none / 0) (#65)
by greenrd on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 06:47:08 AM EST

Some seem to be slaves to convention, yes. But they are still free to choose.

Are any of us really free to do other than what genetics and environmental influences (directly, or indirectly through memory) make us do? I have my doubts.

"Capitalism is the absurd belief that the worst of men, for the worst of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all." -- John Maynard Keynes
[ Parent ]

I'm wearing a tie... (none / 0) (#74)
by RainyRat on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 04:10:35 AM EST

...just not around my neck.

Eagles may soar, but rats seldom get sucked into jet engines.
[ Parent ]
Hmm. Marriage under another name, I see. (1.00 / 1) (#60)
by jmcoursi on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 03:17:50 AM EST

Should we outlaw civil servants marrying people ? Or priests, for that matter...

This isn't gonna last (1.00 / 1) (#68)
by Fen on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 09:49:05 AM EST

Future is going around in space in small communities, possibly one or two people even. No money, no intellectual property, no law, you get the idea.
Where do I sign up? (4.40 / 5) (#71)
by JahToasted on Mon Sep 16, 2002 at 01:45:21 PM EST

For some reason (marijuana) this popped into my head while reading your post...

Homer: "Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm."

Lisa: "That's specious reasoning, Dad."

Homer: "Thank you, dear."

Lisa: "By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away."

Homer: "Oh, how does it work?"

Lisa: "It doesn't work."

Homer: "Uh-huh."

Lisa: "It's just a stupid rock."

Homer: "Uh-huh."

Lisa: "But I don't see any tigers around, do you?"

Homer: "Lisa, I want to buy your rock."
"I wanna have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames" -- Jim Morrison

Here's how it would really work. (4.00 / 1) (#78)
by mingofmongo on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 02:37:22 PM EST

You organize a commune (I hate to say it, but Walden 2 type of thing comes to mind) in which there is no money. People get a warm fuzzy about working for the good of the community, and being free from having to deal with paying for food and rent and clothing. The work they do for the community is some kind of sweatshop work.

You can't work them too hard because they would leave, but you don't really pay them anything, so it all works out.

The owners - I mean managers of the communal resources - get stinking rich, and the slaves think their lives are idyllic.

"What they don't seem to get is that the key to living the good life is to avoid that brass ring like the fucking plague."
--The Onion

Sounds Familiar (5.00 / 2) (#79)
by bjlhct on Tue Sep 17, 2002 at 10:07:26 PM EST

But Why?
* Beware, gentle knight - the greatest monster of them all is reason. -Cervantes
first 4 on the list: (5.00 / 1) (#80)
by fanatic on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 02:19:01 AM EST

1) The bitch that sued after spilling hot coffee in her crotch, 2) The bitch who, even though 50+ lbs overweight, sued to work at a Jazzercise place 3 and 4: the judges that didn't laugh these assholes out of court.

Its surprisingly popular... (none / 0) (#81)
by livus on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 04:26:47 AM EST

in fact it became a best seller. If you're stupid and a woman, and want to hand over all responsibility - and cash - to your husband, look no further than:


HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

Wrong way (none / 0) (#84)
by Cro Magnon on Wed Sep 18, 2002 at 12:20:40 PM EST

But my GF told me it was supposed to work the other way! I had doubts, but she assured me that she knew what was best for me, and told me to trust her. So I just signed all my money & property over to her.
Information wants to be beer.
[ Parent ]
let me guess (none / 0) (#86)
by livus on Thu Sep 19, 2002 at 06:13:23 AM EST

Then she told you she was a Promise Keeper?

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Promise Keeper? (none / 0) (#87)
by Cro Magnon on Thu Sep 19, 2002 at 11:41:23 AM EST

All I know of them is that they're some sort of pro-family group. What am I missing?
Information wants to be beer.
[ Parent ]
they just go well together (none / 0) (#89)
by livus on Thu Sep 19, 2002 at 11:31:14 PM EST

The P.K's (apart from wearing the most amazing amount of chambray shirts ever) have a philosophy which kinda makes the Surrendered Wife the best wife a P.K could have.

HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

[ Parent ]
Laughing (none / 0) (#94)
by Eisernkreuz on Fri Dec 27, 2002 at 01:41:19 AM EST

It is funny to see women try to re-create man in their own image. We are men, not women. And, to try to treat us like we are your puppet doesn't work. No matter how much you try to brow-beat us with your lesbio-feminism, the fact is we are and always will be males. And in marriage, we respond VERY well to ONE thing especially.

I remember in my miserable marriage, that my arctic wife would always refuse to do what I wanted in bed. The way she complained, you would think I was molesting a 6-year old, not trying to enjoy some time with a very adult wife. And, it comes as no great surprise, I was NEVER in love with her. Then, finally, she decided to give it a try, and be available, on a moment's notice for whatever I wanted. During that 45-minute period, I called on her three times, and only for a minute or so, (because once I knew I could get it ANY TIME, I didn't need it that bad, just like a dog who always has food in the dish is more secure.)and she did what I wanted.

By the end of the second time, having a wife who was what I wanted in bed, I was already falling in love, hard. I mean, hard and FAST. Plummeting is more the term for it. For the first time in our entire relationship.

In that 45 minute period, plans for romantic things, FIRM plans for the chores around the house she was NEVER going to have to touch again, and getaways and gifts to give her were SPONTANEOUSLY floating through my mind. I wasn't trying to fall in love, I just WAS. I guess I stopped short of planning a throne for her to sit on, but not much short of it.

It was really that easy. Then, she said, after the third time: "I don't want to do this anymore". It was like a large, beautiful plate-glass mirror shattered. I knew then that the marriage really was doomed. And it was.

Young women, please, for the sake of your marriage, don't believe what the wrinkled old lesbians tell you. The ONE thing your husband can't legally or morally get ANYWHERE else is the thing that he really needs from you, and that is willingness and cheerfulness in bed. And the one thing you want, spontaneous romance, that you didn't have to beg, coerce, or nag for is what will spring from it.

What have you got to lose by being available for your husband? What, you think he will be LESS interested in you? He will take the garbage out LESS often? What have you got to lose? It's not like you will dry up from overuse or something. Give it a try. If it (coupled, as I say, with not being a naggy, critical bitch) doesn't make it easy to fall in love with you, then RUN AWAY!!! But, DO give it some time. Some husbands may take more than 45 minutes, like I did. For some, it may take a week before they don't think you have some hidden money-extracting or behavior-manipulating agenda. But, realistically, how much worse could your marriage get? You think great sex will make him a WORSE husband and father? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE???

Husbands admire and praise a good mother. They appreciate a good homemaker. But they will sell their soul for a wife who is, as Pamela Anderson said "a whore in the bedroom" Men don't run off with women who balance books really well. They run off with women who put out like a Diesel Locomotive on nitrous oxide at the flip of a switch.

You can't change it. You can't alter men's DNA so they will enjoy playing Scrabble more than having sex, ANY KIND OF SEX THEY WANT ANY TIME THEY WANT IT with their wives. Forget it. Either become a true lesbian or start being a real woman. Because you aren't going to change the way men are.

And, if being available I mean, 24/7, for flirtation, fondling, sex, whatever, coupled with NOT being a mean-spirited critical selfish bitch doesn't create enough of an environment for him to change, dump him on his ass and find a man who still has balls. Divorce is the birth of MANY new lives.

But, forget about depriving a man of what he wants to control him or as a protest against his imperfection. You are only shooting yourself in the backside.

And, I know that in this age of women having bigger penises than men and all that there will be a fiery protest led by those who secretly hate men, and probably have some spineless lapdog as a mate, but, romance novels aren't filled with men who are spineless lapdogs. Because though controlling lesbian terrorists would like to believe it, it isn't true that you will have a man's devotion as deep as you could if you don't give him what he needs.

Want to keep him from scoping out the other women? Get your body into shape and USE it. You would be amazed how the other women drop off the radar when we have an absolutely uncompromising fantasy at home.

But, for those who refuse because they think men are like women, take it from a man who was married to the ice queen. Even a casual glance from some other woman in public is as enticing as a fifty-gallon drum of ice-cold Perrier is to a dehydrated desert nomad when your wife decides SHE will decide the whens and wheres (as in, never and nowhere if she could get away with it) of sex. I didn't fantsize about women I saw in public that gave me a friendly glance. I started to be magnetized spontaneously towards them. Unintentionally. I never did anything with it, never said hi, got a number, or even looked back much, because adultery is wrong, but, man, it was like a magnet in her was pulling at some iron in my gut, and that sucked.

Men do not remain in love as deeply as they could if the woman decides to be all feminazi and restrict the sex. Does he make you sleep in the street by a dumpster three nights a week because the other four days are the only time he is in the MOOD to support you? Would you like to have him lean casually against a post while you get mugged and beaten, because he "wasn't in the MOOD for confrontation" that day? So, why is it that you think you can dole out sex like Oliver Twist's boss doled out soup, and even have a shred of hope you will occupy all his waking fantasies? That type of woman is what occupies our nightmares, wakind and sleeping.

Married men find young, pretty women more attractive than they should because that woman looks on the OUTSIDE how they need their wife to look on the INSIDE.

You can rail against it, you can make your filthy-mouthed little cheap shots against it, but the wife's part is to provide greeeeat sex. If the man doesn't respond to that AND a woman who doesn't think she needs to run him like a lapdog, then dump him and find a real man. Life is too short to be spent with someone who has no use for his testicles.

Likewise, husbands, you are to be available 24/7 for the sexual AND romantic needs of your wife. That means, no eyeball-screwing the other women ESPECIALLY in your wife's presence. Honor her ESPECIALLY in the presence of others.

If you want to know how to respond to this newfound output from your wife, here is a suggestion: forget about being cool to your friends. If your friends matter more than your marriage, this is a great opportunity to cut those cleat-laces to them. Do stuff that you would just DIE if your buddies found out.

Write those dumb, but heartfelt verses. They don't have to rhyme. Sing a corny romance song under her window with a badly-strummed ukulele. Roses. Candies. Hour-long massages. Scented bubblebaths awaiting her. I mean, the ideas will come, but be bold enough to do them. Don't do anything that will cause her professional or public inconvenience or humiliation. But DO do things that other women she knows can see are visible manifestations of devotion. AND LET HER KNOW THIS IS NOT A DOWNPAYMENT ON SEX. If she responds to being romanced by becoming even more cheap with the sex, or staying as cold as ever, dump her on HER ass and walk away. No use freezing your penis in some glacial crevasse. Better lonely and single than lonely and married.

Like I said once when I hoisted a post-divorce girlfriend over my shoulder with one arm ( I weighed about 2.2 times as much as her) like some conquering barbarian and walked out of the grocery store she usually frequented while pushing the cart with the other arm: "I didn't do that for MY sake. I did it for YOUR sake. You know there isn't ONE woman in there who was thinking, 'Boy, I wish no one would EVER do that to me'" THEN she understood. And had this cute grin on her face.

Have roses delivered. Or better yet, show up dressed like D'Artagnon and deliver them yourself, with fake accent and a poem. WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE MOOD OR NOT. MOOD IS IRRELEVANT. Would you only protect your wife from some guy (pick your most favorite type of guy to despise) was trying to feel her up if you happened not to wake up in the mood for confrontation that day? No? Then, protect your wife from feeling lonely and neglected, and wandering off into some dumb fantasy world like those infinitely idiotic Vespa radio commercials depict, and BE the romantic guy that she thinks about when she masturbates in the ladies' room at work.

Women are fueled by romance. Well, most women are. There are the mercenary prostitutes for whom nothing romantic is good enough if you don't have lotsa bank (enter the ice queen again), but normal, healthy, heterosexual women love it when it is sincere.

I know I just started a firestorm amongst the women who know they know more about what men want than men do, and among the men who bow down to the ice queens. But, that's okay. If I didn't help one person, I tried, and that is ALL I am responsible for.


[ Parent ]

Slave is the one who losted his voting rights. (1.00 / 1) (#90)
by johwsun on Tue Sep 24, 2002 at 01:00:06 PM EST

Slavery NOW!® | 94 comments (79 topical, 15 editorial, 0 hidden)
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