The very thought of George W. Bush is enough to get the most pacifist, tree-hugging liberal barking like a rabid dog. But for all the hate he inspires, he's but a figurehead; the mere representation of a system that props him up. The "Mayberry Machiavelli" is the man behind the man. Whether it's riling up God-fearing, homophobic Red Staters straight to the voting booth or managing to make every Vietnam vet who has run against his coke-snorting, draft-dodging boss look like a traitor, Rove is a force that inspires as much awe as he does disgust.
Though he dresses like a blue collar slob from Michigan, in the black-is-white/day-is-night mentality of this odd year, Moore is the representation of elitist liberal Hollywood at its most braindead. Even those inclined to support his views cringe at the notion that Iraq was a paradise of children flying kites before America showed up. Moore is the liberal even liberals would like to shut up.
You've just been sentenced to death...Merry fucking Christmas. Now if we can just get Larry King and Greta Van Susteren to shut the fuck up about your case, my life will be complete.
What more can I say? Jacko needs to have a serious talk with R. Kelly's people when it comes to damage control. Guilty or not guilty, I think prison would be good for Michael. A couple of years of lifting weights inside, he'd come out ripped, change his name to something like Michael Al Shareez Bin Faisal like his Nation of Islam buddies suggested, get some prison tattoos, cornrows, and maybe record a single with Fiddy Cent that would go to number one with the suburban gangsta set. I know I'd like to see it.
Operation Iraqi Freedom is quickly turning into America's first feminist war. 2003 gave us Pvt. Jessica Lynch, America's Prisoner of War sweetheart. 2004 brings us Pvt. England, our generation's Lt. Calley. Despite looking like the product of mating too close to the gene pool, Pvt. England singlehandedly gave the Arab world a new excuse to strap on some dynamite and blast themselves to their seventy-two virgins (all, hopefully better looking than Ms. England.) Like Pvt. Lynch, there are apparently nude photos of her floating around out there. Unlike Pvt. Lynch, I will not be jerking off to them.
Jesus "The Christ"
Jesus has licensed his name to some pretty dubious stuff in the past, but this year he went off the deep end. First, he licensed the rights to his story to Mel Gibson, begetting the $670 million dollar grossing, highly revered, and thoroughly mediocre The Passion of the Christ, inspiring millions of Christians to believe that a movie about a man being flayed to death by cackling Jews was somehow "beautiful". Then he allied himself with the Republican Party, Wal Mart, Toby Keith, and Ford pickups with gunracks in them to help George W. Bush win his first election. Hopefully this means the rapture is coming soon and he will be taking his fellow assholes with him.
I was about to put Britney Spears in this slot, but all her drinking, loser boyfriend blowing, snorting coke off a toilet seat antics kinda sorta of humanized her for me. Where the Brit's career is currently being subsidized by flaming gay men, Ms. Simpson keeps stretching her fifteen minutes because of ex-frat boy Maxim subscribers. Get it straight guys, she's not that hot. I prefer her lipsyncing sister Ashlee because she looks good without a nose job. Plus, she's quite possibly dumber than Paris Hilton.
The scumbag who shot Dimebag Darrell
The nineties were a depressing time for metal. From Metallica's Black Album to the retarded "rap-metal" stylings of Limp Bizkit, headbangers had a hard time in the Alternative Nation. Pantera and its guitar mastermind Dimebag filled that void. One Mark David Chapman wannabe destroyed it. Fuck you. Be he in Heaven (or more likely Hell), I hope wherever Dimebag is, I hope the beer, bud, and bitches are plentiful.
Growing up at the ass end of the Cold War, the Russian leaders I remember were all fairly innocuous. Gorbechev with his funky birthmark and glastnost. Boris Yeltsin is probably the only world leader who would be fun to get drunk with. Putin comes along, and even though he's ex-KGB, he seems to be another in a good streak of West Friendly Russian politicians. Wrong. For all the whining Americans do about Dubya rolling back our constitutional rights, he has on nothing Vlad, the Peristroika Impaler. Whether it's cracking down on Chechnyans, taking over Yukos Oil, or injecting his political opponents with those leftover stores of Dioxin, Putin has pulled a "War on Terror" apeshit that makes the most fascist neo-con look like Anne of Green Gables.
Bush's cabinet resembles "The Apprentice" boardroom more and more. The people you root for get fired while the idiots inexplicably keep showing up week after week. Donald Rumsfeld's head should have been the first on the block when it came to post-election house cleaning, but as in business, asskissers rise to the top. Even though our soldiers hate him since he still hasn't gotten around to equipping the troops with, say, armor after being in Iraq for nearly two years, "The Donald" has yet to hear the words, "You're fired". I suppose this catergory can also include the other Donald, who despite having bad hair, a trophy wife, and bankrupt casinos, is still considered the ultimate business guru.
Psycho Dave (and all the other dipshit "bloggers")
Despite his having no experience in the realm of world affairs; despite having not taken so much as a political science course at a community college; despite the fact that his taste in art runs towards velvet Elvis paintings and he's only really funny when he's crapping his pants drunk, Psycho Dave and his fellow (ugh,) "netizens" feel qualified to comment on every sort of topic that slides through the ADD ravaged minds. They suffer from the delusion that since they are glued to CNN, Fox, and Google News they somehow know more than the average citizen. So, the "blogosphere" caught Dan Rather, once? Was the story of GWB's coke and draft-dodging days all the important anyway? Plus: people who use words like "netizen" or "blogosphere" are not qualified to write.
Please vote for your (least) favorite choice, or feel free to write in your own below. Let the venting begin!