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Would the real Armaphine please stand up?

By Armaphine in Meta
Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 06:37:46 PM EST
Tags: You Know... (all tags)
You Know...

A parody of the original...

This is meant as parody. Please do not declare me the troll of the picosecond, or go through and mod all my comments to zero. It's a joke. Please keep this in mind as you read, and hopefully, enjoy.

Anne Marie and EducatedEscort:
Both of these are actually fake accounts. They both belong to enterfornone. The site EducatedEscort.com again, belongs to enterfornone. The picture that accompanied the Salon.com article? It came with enterfornone's wallet, and brushed up a little bit in Photoshop.

The in-house expert on all things neurological. Like her namesake, she too comes in mnay vividly colored, translucent plastic covers. When not in the lab, she enjoys eating fish balls on a stick, lounging around in glowing green neurons, and playing with some naked spinal cords and hot wax. When asked about the translucent plastic covers, she declined to speak with us, although EducatedEscort sent us a press release stating that she[EducatedEscort] also had something similiar, but it ran for upwards of US$15,000 per day, extra for the lime green model.

Actually a front for none other that WWF superstar Stone Cold Steve Austin. Fearing that his computer literacy might somehow alienate his fan base, he hides behind this persona. He does, however, still accept donations of beer with a hearty "And that's the bottom line, because rednecktek said so!!"

I'm not even touching this one.

Started out life as just that: a mere cat. After getting locked in the Slashdot geek compound, she was bombarded by intense radiation from all the servers, monitors, etc. While exposure to this much radiation would turn a normal human being in a freakish, troll-like creature, the radiation evolved her intelligence to an approximate IQ of 195. Fearing the large, trollish creatures, she migrated to the kuro5hin area, where she now resides, on top of the web server's monitor.

Who is the original Anne Marie? It would be none other that enterfornone, who created the original Anne Marie only as a way to safely troll Slashdot and mod up his comments on Kuro5hin. Feeling the need for controversy, he created EducatedEscort, gave them both a distinct online personality, and let them go at it in the biggest catfight since Inoshiro accidently stepped on Merekat's tail.

The famous K5 poster, moderator, and administrator known as rusty: Contrary to the popular belief that he is actually a 12 line perl script, I have discovered that this is simply not true. In fact, he is instead a 138 line MS-DOS batch file, named RUSTY.BAT. The 'source' for this batch file may be found here. This batch file has been running ever since K5's fourth confimed user, Signal 11. The real rusty has been lounging atop a Scrooge McDuck-style hill of money, drinking Molson Ice, and occasionally logging on as Latrell Sprewell.

Latrell Sprewell:
Best known for his habit of modding all posts to 1, this cahracter is actually the subconcious manifestation of Evil Rusty. Enraged at the abuse of the precious "mojo" system, originally thought to rival that of the infamous "karma" system, he has taken to moderating everything he comes across down to one. The internal struggle is evident, since even though he is capable of it, he still cannot bring himself to mod a comment to 0.

Actually a defect in some CAT 5 wiring at a respectable office building, the poster known as 11223 is actually a defective section of poorly run cable. Having been run past electrical lines, flourescent lighting fixtures, and past the recommended 185 meters, the small line tester accidentally left on the has been generating a constant tone, which, through all the interference generated by outside electrical interference, has miraclously been transmitting pseudo-philosophical writing in a bizarre twist of statistics. Experts, however, believe that these writings, since they have been generated by random noise, actually have the effect of a Rorschach test.

Hiding behind the facade of being a 22yr woman, this user is actually nothing more than the big cheese of communism itself, Lenin! Hooked up to the internet via an old Soviet Packard Bell knock-off built by communist hard-liners, then patched into the DARPANET to facilitate the hacking of many DoD mainframes, transmitting the sensitive data back to Mother Russia. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the machine was forgotten about, but Lenin marches on, his interface allowing him to spread the joys of communism all around the world, via the net proxy of being a young woman, without anyone being the wiser.

Originally designed as the second verison of the RUSTY.BAT file, INOSHIRO.EXE, was launched, rewritten using Microsoft Quickbasic, he was then installed as part of the RUSTY.BAT file. The real Inoshiro, sits atop the same hill of money as rusty, descending only to log on to IRC, get more girly drinks, and to "break the seal."

shirobara, the young female college student that we have all come to know and love, trademarked by her zealous use of the emoticon ^_^. Also known for an intense love for the game Final Fantasy, we have discovered that this is understandable... since she, in fact, the mysterious Shadow from Final Fantasy III. Finally shedding the ninja garb for normal civilian attire, she has melded back into society, always hiding her past celebrity status.

Signal 11:
Better known as the basis for Agent Smith from The Matrix, he is believed to actually be a top secret DoD artifical intelligence project, used to counteract the influence of communista. Unfortunately, due to a freak power surge, Signal 11 became sentient due to a combination of alien infestation, a lightning strike to a communications tower, and a missing semicolon on line 429 of gui.cpp. His control seems to be ever growing, having even spawned lower agents, even having possessed Natalie Portman, of Star Wars: Episode One fame. Be advised, however, that Signal 11 can appear anywhere, and all persons referring to themselves as "Neo", "Mr. Anderson", and "the chosen one" should keep a wide berth.

And finally, the one everyone has been waiting for:

This gentle giant, often times mistaken for Skull of PvP has been troll the kuro5hin diaries for some time now. A large, ogre-ish creature, this bastard in training has shown tendencies toward computers and destruction, seemingly proficiant in both of them. While often able to function without any brain activity for days on end, instead keeping his lumbering hulk powered solely with lethal dosages of caffeine. The recent disappearance of nicotine from his bloodstream has caused an unfortunate evil streak to manifest itself in recent memory. It is hoped that he will return to his gentle self with in a few months. Contracting the Armaphine's favor is often done via simple bribes of the following:

  • Food
    Not recommended due to the large amounts required to satiate his appetite
  • Beer
    Again, not recommended due to the large amounts involved, coupled with the added logistical problem of having to move him after said beer has been consumed
  • Cool programs, pr0n, etc
    Definitely a plus, and can be done across the internet, thus minimizing the exposure to him
  • Attention from the opposite sex
    Definitely the most effective method, although some women may find this to be out of the question. The Armaphine will understand, and even talking to or at him will often suffice
The Armaphine should be viewed with the inherent danger in mind, both from his immense size, and from the danger he poses to a secure network. Anytime he is on a network, he should be monitored, tracked, or sedated. All three, if at all possible.


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Related Links
o Slashdot
o Kuro5hin
o original
o Anne Marie
o EducatedEs cort
o EducatedEs cort.com
o picture
o Salon.com
o iGrrrl
o all things neurological
o fish balls on a stick
o glowing green neurons
o naked spinal cords and hot wax
o rednecktek
o Stone Cold Steve Austin
o buttfucker 2000
o Merekat
o Slashdot geek compound
o enterforno ne
o rusty
o 12 line perl script
o here
o Latrell Sprewell
o Evil Rusty
o "karma"
o 11223
o communista
o Lenin
o Inoshiro
o Microsoft Quickbasic
o girly drinks
o shirobara
o Signal 11
o The Matrix
o missing semicolon on line 429 of gui.cpp
o Natalie Portman
o Armaphine
o Skull of PvP
o bastard
o any brain activity
o lethal dosages
o caffeine
o nicotine
o danger
o Also by Armaphine

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Would the real Armaphine please stand up? | 38 comments (32 topical, 6 editorial, 0 hidden)
Hmm... (4.00 / 8) (#2)
by 11223 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:36:34 PM EST

I'd just have to add that Robert Uhl is another evil Rusty nick like Latrell Sprewell.

+1 Front Page from me! Even though I'm a defect in a section of Cat-5!

The dead hand of Asimov's mass psychology wins every time.

Wow! (4.00 / 3) (#4)
by pb on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:41:11 PM EST

Your posts have the effects of a Rorschach test? Oops...


I'm never replying to you again, and for the record, I'm not obsessed with sex, OR Natalie Portman!

And Robert Uhl seems to rate everything and post occasionally, but his ratings aren't nearly as whacked out as Latrell Sprewell's were. I should know; he just gave me a 5! :)
"See what the drooling, ravening, flesh-eating hordes^W^W^W^WKuro5hin.org readers have to say."
-- pwhysall
[ Parent ]
Bah (2.28 / 7) (#5)
by trhurler on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:41:23 PM EST

Rating your comments down does not make him a Latrell Sprewell. He rates my comments all over the place, I presume according to what he thinks of them, and I've seen him do the same to others. Probably he just doesn't like you. Nobody else does either:)

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
Y'know.... (3.20 / 5) (#9)
by 11223 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:53:11 PM EST

You're just the type of person who makes me want to be a humanitarian...

The dead hand of Asimov's mass psychology wins every time.
[ Parent ]

Yo! Fool! (3.57 / 7) (#13)
by 11223 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:08:46 PM EST

Your attempt to destroy my mojo did not succeed. You will be punished for this, somehow!

Amarphine, here's a new one for the list: trhurler is what happened to Rush Limbaugh after he got merged in a freak medical accent with ESR, aka RMS.

The dead hand of Asimov's mass psychology wins every time.
[ Parent ]

Hahahahahaa!!! (5.00 / 2) (#17)
by tewl on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:26:07 PM EST

What about me??? ;)

[ Parent ]
holy shit (3.00 / 3) (#30)
by shoeboy on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 01:24:58 AM EST

A post from tewl that didn't contain a self conscious reference to her boyfriend. Has she finaly convinced the last doubter that she actually has one? Are the end times at hand?

I'm giving her a 5.

No more trolls!
[ Parent ]
/me chuckles (3.50 / 6) (#3)
by Anonymous 242 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:41:00 PM EST

I think I can speak for all regular-but-not-included-in-this-lampoon that I'm not certain as to whether I'm offended or relieved that I wasn't included.

You could have asked.... (3.00 / 1) (#6)
by 11223 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:43:26 PM EST

This is rev 2 of this... you could have asked at revision one and Amarphine would have included you... that's how I got in ;-)

The dead hand of Asimov's mass psychology wins every time.
[ Parent ]

Additions (3.00 / 1) (#7)
by Armaphine on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:50:44 PM EST

If I was really being serious about this (and if you read it, you know I wasn't), I would've trolled thru all the recent diaries for regulars, but come on, it's Friday, and I need to get outta here!

Question authority. Don't ask why, just do it.
[ Parent ]

me 2 (3.00 / 1) (#27)
by fluffy grue on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 08:08:53 PM EST

im very well nown around hear nd i dont no why i wasnt inlcuded. oh well lol roflmao bbl yhbt l8rz
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

I got a 3 from Mr. Sprewell once... (3.75 / 4) (#8)
by shirobara on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:50:48 PM EST

A long time ago I wrote a diary more or less about my pets. People wrote about their pets. Just so you understand, this was a silly diary entry about silly pets where people replied about their own silly pets. This must have been amusing, since (relatively) very high scores were passed out by the mysterious 1 rater... ^_^

Mr. S (3.00 / 2) (#14)
by Fireblade on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:09:11 PM EST

How did all this Latrell Sprewell bashing come about anyway? He's been fair to generous on the few posts of mine that he's rated.

[ Parent ]
Who knows? (3.25 / 4) (#16)
by shirobara on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:12:17 PM EST

I've gotten a few ones from him myself...but whoever he is, evil Rusty or otherwise (^_^), I'll always have a soft spot for him for rating posts about my pets to three for some unknown reason.

I figured it was a philosophical thing, like how my French teacher who majored in Philosophy grades on a scale of 1-15, but hardly ever gives anyone a score higher than a 9 or a 10 - an eleven, twelve or thirteen really means something and no one gets a fourteen or a fifteen, as that would be approaching perfection.

Who knows ^_^

[ Parent ]
He's changed. (3.50 / 4) (#19)
by iGrrrl on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:49:44 PM EST

It's not bashing when it's true. Latrell Sprewell went through most of my comments once and rated most them to 1. This was particularly noticed when he did it to comments which had been there unrated for days to weeks, and comments added late to threads nearly dead. It was pretty systematic. I had no idea why, and didn't quite care, but there it was. Now that you can see who rated how, the behavior seems to have stopped.

You cannot have a reasonable conversation with someone who regards other people as toys to be played with. localroger
remove apostrophe for email.
[ Parent ]

Heh (4.12 / 8) (#10)
by CyberQuog on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 03:54:31 PM EST

Even more reason for a K5 Soap-Opera section ;)

Hey1 (3.12 / 8) (#11)
by Signal 11 on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:01:38 PM EST

I'm a sentient slime mold... get your facts straight. ;)

Society needs therapy. It's having
trouble accepting itself.
Really? (2.00 / 2) (#35)
by Potsy on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 12:16:46 PM EST

I always thought you were a pile of clothes, computer parts, and printed Unix man pages -- brought to life by a freak bolt of lightning!

[ Parent ]
My God, it's all clear now! (3.80 / 5) (#15)
by GlennC on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:09:59 PM EST

I kinda figured that Anne Marie and enterfornone were the same person, but Educated Escort too? Brilliant!

Of course, I could be one of only two individuals on K5, the other one having a little over ten thousand different nicks. Not that it would really change anything as far as I'm concerned.

But it's funny nonetheless
That's my take on it. Take it for what you think it's worth.
Uh oh! (4.50 / 2) (#32)
by Mr. Excitement on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 07:19:59 AM EST

Of course, I could be one of only two individuals on K5, the other one having a little over ten thousand different nicks.

Preposterous! Absurd!

I [giggle] think I [chuckle] speak for the rest of us [snort!], that this is the most ridiculous idea we've [heheheheheheh...] ever heard!

[Memo to selves: GlennC knows too much... seek replacement for position of "K5 user number 2"... ]

And there is a K5 cabal. One containing many, many, many different people who are not the same person. Just so you know.

[Hehehehehehehe... now all I need to do is mod myself down a bit and the illusion will be complete... ;-]

1 141900 Mr. Excitement-Bar-Hum-Mal-Cha died in The Gnomish Mines on level 10 [max 12]. Killed by a bolt of lightning - [129]
[ Parent ]

ROTFLMAAO! (3.50 / 6) (#18)
by Matrix on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 04:41:26 PM EST

This all explains so much! I'd wondered where all these characters come from...

And now I know!

Now, we just have to port Rusty from MS-DOS batch format to a BASH shell script... And recompile Inoshiro on a Unix box... Oh, and DoS communista/Lenin, and her American Nemesis...

I'm surprised George Bush's alter-ego didn't make the list, though... Oh, well. I'm sure they'll catch him next time. After all, he is a permanent untrusted evil^H^H^H^H user...

"...Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions. It's the only way to make progress."
- Lord Vetinari, pg 312 of the Truth, a Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett

No no (4.00 / 2) (#26)
by Elendale on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 07:28:16 PM EST

The problem is that he's trusted, not untrusted :(


When free speech is outlawed, only criminals will complain.

[ Parent ]
I was so ready to mod this down (3.33 / 6) (#20)
by FeersumAsura on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 05:28:16 PM EST

I was ready to mod this down to hell the minute I saw the title. However, when I read it I relised it was funny and an interesting look at the concept of identity in a semi-anonymous medium.
Nice one mate.

I'm so pre-emptive I'd nuke America to save time.
I'm Lenin!! WOO! (3.50 / 8) (#23)
by communista on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 06:13:14 PM EST

Wow, even I didn't know that... :) +1, front page. Let'm know the commie bastard that I am.

DISCLAIMER: Communista is NOT a communist!!
/me fucks shit up!!!!
However (5.00 / 1) (#38)
by Captain_Tenille on Wed Jan 17, 2001 at 06:46:50 PM EST

Communista may not be a communist, she appears to be a girl. At least, that's been my impression.
/* You are not expected to understand this. */

Man Vs. Nature: The Road to Victory!
[ Parent ]

Sad isn't it (3.18 / 11) (#25)
by enterfornone on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 06:52:23 PM EST

This is the first story I've voted up in about 3 days and the only reason I voted it up was because it had my name in it. I guess we all know where my priorities lie.

efn 26/m/syd
Will sponsor new accounts for porn.
Get it straight Armaphine!! (3.10 / 10) (#29)
by Educated Escort on Fri Jan 12, 2001 at 11:44:17 PM EST

Well my oh my, this story must have been voted up quickly. I didn't see it in submissions last night and then mid day today it's on the front page.

And what nice links I got Arma, why thank you. And I am at the top of the story? Let's see did you do it alphabetically? No? Well I am honoured. (british spelling intended)

You did make one small error though Arma; Educated Escort was around waaaay before Anne Marie on Slashdot. Just do a search on any engine and you can verify that. Educated Escort started in October 99 and Anne Marie on /. sometime around September 2000.

So, see I really created Educated Escort first and then Anne Marie while I was enterfornone all along. I started all that commotion but meanwhile I was working on my real baby; Kuro5shin. Because see you mere mortal beings, I am Rusty as well! Mwaha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

I have fooled you all! And now I created this controversary and got my site mentioned on Salon.com in a technology article! And none of you even figured it out.

I just said all that stuff about Educated Escort's and Anne Marie's log ins being different to fool you. I was really all of them all along!!!

Mission accomplished,

Educated Escort, uh I mean Anne Marie, enterfornone aka the real RUSTY!!!!!!

"It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity"

Albert Einstein

Gee whiz (4.00 / 1) (#31)
by Steeltoe on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 03:35:24 AM EST

Aren't we all Rusty? I mean, come on, that goes without saying. We're all aspects of a schitzophrenic maniac called Rusty and Evil Rusty. But don't say that aloud, don't want him to find out..

*poke* "You're it!"

- Steeltoe
Explore the Art of Living

[ Parent ]
Although I emphatically deny (5.00 / 1) (#33)
by rednecktek on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 12:06:58 PM EST

being the online persona of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the part about donations of beer is absolutely true. Hell, I might even say that quote thingy if you send Corona (don't forget the lime).

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Where's Kiss the Blade? (3.66 / 3) (#34)
by perdida on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 12:07:30 PM EST

Huh? Huh?

Very funny though. :)
The most adequate archive on the Internet.
I can't shit a hydrogen fuel cell car. -eeee
The only thing worse than a bad story... (3.00 / 3) (#36)
by xmutex on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 03:42:03 PM EST

is a bad parody of a bad story.

Wither quality control?

bullet the blue sky

*ahem* (4.00 / 2) (#37)
by naasking on Sat Jan 13, 2001 at 07:08:24 PM EST

Hey! Where am I?

(quizzical looks) "Who the hell are you?"

Wouldn't you like to know! hehehe...

Naasking: the completely unknown k5 lurker (see also: background noise)

Would the real Armaphine please stand up? | 38 comments (32 topical, 6 editorial, 0 hidden)
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