This is meant as parody. Please do not declare me the troll of the picosecond, or go through and mod all my comments to zero. It's a joke. Please keep this in mind as you read, and hopefully, enjoy.
Anne Marie and EducatedEscort:
Both of these are actually fake accounts. They both belong to enterfornone. The site EducatedEscort.com again, belongs to enterfornone. The picture that accompanied the Salon.com article? It came with enterfornone's wallet, and brushed up a little bit in Photoshop.
The in-house expert on all things neurological. Like her namesake, she too comes in mnay vividly colored, translucent plastic covers. When not in the lab, she enjoys eating fish balls on a stick, lounging around in glowing green neurons, and playing with some naked spinal cords and hot wax. When asked about the translucent plastic covers, she declined to speak with us, although EducatedEscort sent us a press release stating that she[EducatedEscort] also had something similiar, but it ran for upwards of US$15,000 per day, extra for the lime green model.
Actually a front for none other that WWF superstar Stone Cold Steve Austin. Fearing that his computer literacy might somehow alienate his fan base, he hides behind this persona. He does, however, still accept donations of beer with a hearty "And that's the bottom line, because rednecktek said so!!"
I'm not even touching this one.
Started out life as just that: a mere cat. After getting locked in the Slashdot geek compound, she was bombarded by intense radiation from all the servers, monitors, etc. While exposure to this much radiation would turn a normal human being in a freakish, troll-like creature, the radiation evolved her intelligence to an approximate IQ of 195. Fearing the large, trollish creatures, she migrated to the kuro5hin area, where she now resides, on top of the web server's monitor.
Who is the original Anne Marie? It would be none other that enterfornone, who created the original Anne Marie only as a way to safely troll Slashdot and mod up his comments on Kuro5hin. Feeling the need for controversy, he created EducatedEscort, gave them both a distinct online personality, and let them go at it in the biggest catfight
since Inoshiro accidently stepped on Merekat's tail.
The famous K5 poster, moderator, and administrator known as rusty: Contrary to the popular belief that he is actually a 12 line perl script, I have discovered that this is simply not true. In fact, he is instead a 138 line MS-DOS batch file, named RUSTY.BAT. The 'source' for this batch file may be found here. This batch file has been running ever since K5's fourth confimed user, Signal 11. The real rusty has been lounging atop a Scrooge McDuck-style hill of money, drinking Molson Ice, and occasionally logging on as Latrell Sprewell.
Best known for his habit of modding all posts to 1, this cahracter is actually the subconcious manifestation of Evil Rusty. Enraged at the abuse of the precious "mojo" system, originally thought to rival that of the infamous "karma" system, he has taken to moderating everything he comes across down to one. The internal struggle is evident, since even though he is capable of it, he still cannot bring himself to mod a comment to 0.
Actually a defect in some CAT 5 wiring at a respectable office building, the poster known as 11223 is actually a defective section of poorly run cable. Having been run past electrical lines, flourescent lighting fixtures, and past the recommended 185 meters, the small line tester accidentally left on the has been generating a constant tone, which, through all the interference generated by outside electrical interference, has miraclously been transmitting pseudo-philosophical writing in a bizarre twist of statistics. Experts, however, believe that these writings, since they have been generated by random noise, actually have the effect of a Rorschach test.
Hiding behind the facade of being a 22yr woman, this user is actually nothing more than the big cheese of communism itself, Lenin! Hooked up to the internet via an old Soviet Packard Bell knock-off built by communist hard-liners, then patched into the DARPANET to facilitate the hacking of many DoD mainframes, transmitting the sensitive data back to Mother Russia. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the machine was forgotten about, but Lenin marches on, his interface allowing him to spread the joys of communism all around the world, via the net proxy of being a young woman, without anyone being the wiser.
Originally designed as the second verison of the RUSTY.BAT file, INOSHIRO.EXE, was launched, rewritten using Microsoft Quickbasic, he was then installed as part of the RUSTY.BAT file. The real Inoshiro, sits atop the same hill of money as rusty, descending only to log on to IRC, get more girly drinks, and to "break the seal."
shirobara, the young female college student that we have all come to know and love, trademarked by her zealous use of the emoticon ^_^. Also known for an intense love for the game Final Fantasy, we have discovered that this is understandable... since she, in fact, the mysterious Shadow from Final Fantasy III. Finally shedding the ninja garb for normal civilian attire, she has melded back into society, always hiding her past celebrity status.
Better known as the basis for Agent Smith from The Matrix, he is believed to actually be a top secret DoD artifical intelligence project, used to counteract the influence of communista. Unfortunately, due to a freak power surge, Signal 11 became sentient due to a combination of alien infestation, a lightning strike to a communications tower, and a missing semicolon on line 429 of gui.cpp. His control seems to be ever growing, having even spawned lower agents, even having possessed Natalie Portman, of Star Wars: Episode One fame. Be advised, however, that Signal 11 can appear anywhere, and all persons referring to themselves as "Neo", "Mr. Anderson", and "the chosen one" should keep a wide berth.
And finally, the one everyone has been waiting for:
This gentle giant, often times mistaken for Skull of PvP has been troll the kuro5hin diaries for some time now. A large, ogre-ish creature, this bastard in training has shown tendencies toward computers and destruction, seemingly proficiant in both of them. While often able to function without any brain activity for days on end, instead keeping his lumbering hulk powered solely with lethal dosages of caffeine. The recent disappearance of nicotine from his bloodstream has caused an unfortunate evil streak to manifest itself in recent memory. It is hoped that he will return to his gentle self with in a few months. Contracting the Armaphine's favor is often done via simple bribes of the following:
The Armaphine should be viewed with the inherent danger in mind, both from his immense size, and from the danger he poses to a secure network. Anytime he is on a network, he should be monitored, tracked, or sedated. All three, if at all possible.
Not recommended due to the large amounts required to satiate his appetite
Again, not recommended due to the large amounts involved, coupled with the added logistical problem of having to move him after said beer has been consumed
- Cool programs, pr0n, etc
Definitely a plus, and can be done across the internet, thus minimizing the exposure to him
- Attention from the opposite sex
Definitely the most effective method, although some women may find this to be out of the question. The Armaphine will understand, and even talking to or at him will often suffice