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Proposal For A K5 Hook-Up Module

By br284 in Meta
Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 08:18:45 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

After reading through a couple of diaries and some particurlarly scorching flamewars in some of the stories here on K5 (White Collar Sweatshop story, and South African Colourblind story), I have come to the conclusion that the average K5 poster is much too highstrung and far too defensive to be healthy. Seeing the problem, and having finally recognized the cause this morning as I was reading diary entries, I have a solution to the problem.

What is the problem? As was so eloquently stated by gunner800 in this comment, K5 needs to get laid. I feel that his assessment is correct, and if the average k5'er were to get a little "wham-bam" every once in a while, the temptation to flame other posters and exhibit needless aggressive behavior would be tempered as everyone would be quite a bit more mellow. Hell, it may just fix the moderation abuse that everyone seems to enjoy talking about.

Since the desire to hook-up is as old as man, and too many here are not able to fulfill this biological prerogative, I feel that we should put our collective heads together and do what we do best -- making technology do all the work for us. Collaborative authoring? Pleeeze. Reader contributed news? Been there, doing that, and its getting old. Using all the aggregated data to spit out that fine someone you've been searching for? Now you have the killer app.

Thus, I propose that rusty implement a number of changes within the Scoop engine to facilitate hook-ups for K5 users. This implementation should consist of a number of separate "modules" which I will describe in detail.

Auto Desperation Warning System

The Auto Desperation Warning System is basically a bot that resides between the posting layers and the K5 story and comment databases. The purpose of this bot is to analyze the semantic content of all posts in order to determine whether the poster in need of a little lovin'. The bot would implement certain natural language artificial intelligence routines that would be developed under an Open Source(tm)-compatible license. Similar to the scoring system that is found with the story moderation, each poster would have a running desperation score. While zero would be the lower bound for this, a higher bound that is computed dynamically (more on this in a minute) would determine when a poster is requiring hook-up help. Each post that the user contributed would be analyzed for a number of factors (more on this in a minute). If the post contained a number of flags that signals that the poster is experiencing sexual frustration, their desperation score would be incremented. If signs support the conclusion that the poster is getting their quality time, the score would be decremented. After the counter passed a certain threshold, artificial intelligence routines would activate, spidering for an appropriate match for the frustrated poster.

The threshold that would determine when the desperation bot would kick in would be dynamically updated as the state of k5 changed. The user would have specified a number of additional preferences (more in a minute). When many users specified the same preferences and within the system were a number of "compatible" users, the threshold would lower. As the number of "compatibles" decreased, the threshold would raise, so that the limited number of available hook-ups would be reserved for those most in need.

Some of the factors that would determine the threshold would be tightly bound to the composition of contributing users on k5. Users would specify their partner preferences in their profile page, and this data would be used to determine the state of K5 with respect to hook-ups. If there were a similar number of heterosexual males and females, the threshold would be lowered. Similarly, if there were a similar number of homosexual users of the same gender, the threshold would also lower. As the disparity between compatible classes of users grows, so does the threshold. This is only meant as a crude indicator, more advanced and more detailed implementations of the threshold would account for not only for the numbers of compatibles, but also for the number of compatibles that are of similar desperation scores.

Active Hook-Up Assistance

The solutions discussed thus far are strictly passive measures. Other than posting, the user does nothing to activate the automatic system. For some users, this solution may be too slow, and they may desire to take a more active stance to get their jollies. Being an active community, I feel that K5 should take the necessary steps to allow these self-motivated people to help themselves. Drawing upon the success of the "am i hot or not" (AMIHON) experiment, K5 should implement a modified AMIHON protocol. Each user would post a picture and attached to the page with the picture, comment and diary links would be included. People looking for a fix would then evaluate the comments and picture and diary entries to determine if there was something about the poster that turned them on or off. A scale of one to ten would be used to determine the rating of the user. Compatible users who gave each other similarly high ratings would automatically be linked together through an automated matchmaking script. Implementation of the script may vary, but a possible implementation would be that the script masquerades as "a friend" of the other user and makes the suggestion (via a forged e-mail) that the two should meet up a random location taken from a database of locations on the planet Earth. Through co-branded partners such as 1-800-Flowers.Com and Travelocity, the software would create the date for the users and mail the details to the hapless couple. Of course, since K5 is a non-profit page, the bill for the date -- including the bill for the international plane ticket -- would be sent to the users upon the completion of the date.

Implementation of all the routines described above could be directly integrated with the Scoop engine, or it could be implemented as a library that would be called by other types of community engines. The advantage of developing this system as a engine-independent library is that it would allow linking of different sites to create a virtual space of desperation. While a user may not find a compatible on K5, they may have better chances on sites such as sites as Slashdot, or Technocrat, or any number of similar community-type sites.

These are just a few ideas, and I invite discussion and suggestion for further modules or refining the two described above.

Case Study A: Joe Stud

Joe Stud is the typical Wall Street investor type that has the beautiful blonde trophy wife and enough money and style to always attract women to sleep with him anyways.

Joe Stud's involvement on K5 involved "getting in the trenches" to catch the next hot Internet investment from the tech gurus at K5. He seldom posts, but when he posts, his refined style sends across a message that the post is coming from someone who is very much getting some pretty often, and he is well adjusted.

The bot behind the curtain analyzes Joe's posts, and while it knows that he thinks his wife is quite a pain in the ass and he should drop her for another honey, it also knows from the lexical structure of Joe's comments that he is capable of getting his jollies without the help of the K5 hookup modules. It continually scores his desperation at a 0, and Joe gets no hook-up pointers from the K5 bot.

Case Study B: Robert Shy

Robert Shy is that pasty white guy that sits in his room reading weblogs while his jock roommate brings home a cutie every other night. Feeling that random hook-ups are for less-evolved people, Bob figures that he will be happier waiting for that perfect gal that will fall into his lap sometime in the indeterminate future.

Bob's involvement in the K5 community consists of correcting those obvious technical errors in stories where well-meaning people post howto's and news of technical importance. Bob is the guy who will tell you that the fungus from Mir will not survive on Earth due to the fact that the FM transmissions will obviously make the fungus genetic material resonate the wrong way and self destruct. Bob keeps a diary on K5 where he talks about things like his latest certifications and what superior code he wrote for the Obfuscated C Contest.

The K5 bot behind the scenes receives Bob's posts and diary entries and sees that Bob is obviously lying about waiting for the perfect woman, and that he is just scared shitless of asking out a real woman. The bot increments Bob's desperation counter, and before long it is forging e-mails to a similarly-attituded Shelly Recluse. Bob and Shelly know that the e-mails are "obvious" fakes, and contact each other just to be sure. Over e-mail and #chat_rooms, they fall madly in love and eventually get married and have octuplets.

Case Study C: Randy Johnson

Randy thinks that he is the man. He is the president of the engineering honor society, and a god at playing ultimate frisbee. He is dismayed at all the chicks at school that do not see his eliteness and is looking for fresh meat online.

Randy reads K5 occasionally, especially when he is waiting for some monster code to compile. He notices that K5 has implemented a new hook-up feature, and intends to take full advantage of it. He keeps track of who has the higher score, and when he realizes that there is no way that he will top Robert Shy on the desperation scale, he resorts to the active means. He spends hours upon hours sifting through the female K5 readers, and (after have long forgotten about his code) finds the perfect chick. He rates her a 10, and hopes that she will eventually rate him.

Behind the scenes, in a galaxy far away, the perfect chick finds Randy Johnson and rates him a 10, as she is amused by his name. The K5 hook-up bot records this, and seeing that a match has been made, churns out a few random numbers that eventually translate into a rock-climbing date in Central America. The K5 bot suavely sends false e-mails to both parties that tell them about the date, and the tickets and itineraries to get there. The two meet, climb rocks, and have an incredible date. They promise to see each other when they get back home, and all those types of things. They see each other on weekends, and a couple of months after the initial date, a bill arrives from the online travel agent for a couple of thousand dollars.

Case Study D: ???

It could be you...


Voxel dot net
o Managed Hosting
o VoxCAST Content Delivery
o Raw Infrastructure


Related Links
o Slashdot
o Technocrat
o White Collar Sweatshop story
o South African Colourblind story
o gunner800
o this comment
o Also by br284

Display: Sort:
Proposal For A K5 Hook-Up Module | 59 comments (52 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
It's a great idea, but... (3.60 / 5) (#2)
by Signal 11 on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 02:46:50 PM EST

It's a wonderful idea, but how do you propose to impliment it? I mean, Inoshiro can only be in so many places at once...

In actuality, I think the problem is that the people who post to Kuro5hin aren't getting any. Lack of sex leads to frustration. Frustration leads to trolling. Trolling... leads to karma whoring. As YodaPhilosopher has kindly pointed out, the solution is to get more geeks laid, thus solving the problem. Getting K5 laid is only a temporary solution.

So, how about it - a K5 personals section? Hell, the diary section almost looks like it already... just a couple database updates and we're all set. Searchable by type of geek?

Whadda say? #k5-porn ?

Society needs therapy. It's having
trouble accepting itself.

The GS4MDL. (4.75 / 4) (#8)
by curious on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 04:57:22 PM EST

> get more geeks laid

Well, there is always the "Good Sex For Mutants Dating League", run by Pastor Buck Naked of the SubGenius Foundation...

The following is a quote from Slashdot, in reply to a similar story:

For some reason, this reminds me of the old Church of the SubGenius "Good Sex For Mutants Dating League". You were supposed to fill in a questionnaire to determine just exactly what kind of wierdo you were. The service would match you up with a member of the opposite (or otherwise desired) sex, who would have, if not the same personality quirks, at least equally embarrassing ones. Their motto was, "All the Way on the First Date!" Unfortunately, the service was discontinued because, during several years of operation, only one female ever sent in her survey. [1] [2]
Well, even if the physical organisation is gone, the INWO Card lives on.

[1]: Post by 'Industrial Disease', Slashdot, 15th Feb, 1999.
[2]: There seem to be few homosexual subgenii.

"Got History?" -- The Prelinger Archive of Ephemeral Movies.
[ Parent ]

OK, one extension... (4.20 / 5) (#5)
by ana on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 03:29:59 PM EST

You also need to do something about the demographic. I dunno what the M/F ratio is here, but it ain't 1:1. So I propose a sex-change bot that selects likely candidates so that everybody can live in a wonderful heterosexist balanced world.


Oh, and if the candidate is gay, well, hey, this isn't rocket science...


Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

M/F Ratio (2.00 / 1) (#15)
by whatnotever on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 08:57:40 PM EST

I went to a school with a 1:2 m:f ratio. It was nice, until it appeared that nearly half the girls were lesbians (and all the cute ones, at that!).

So I don't think a sex-change is necessary, just a sexual-orientation-adjustment. The girls can mostly stay as they are, we just need to smack a fair number of the males into bisexuality or beyond.

... but I guess sex-changes might be easier. Hm.

[ Parent ]
Blame #069 (4.50 / 8) (#20)
by driph on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:22:45 PM EST

Exhaustive focus group research has indicated that the primarily blue scheme of Kuro5hin is entirely to blame for the poor gender ratio on the site.

Therefore, don't be surprised when in the next few weeks we release the newer, pinker, effeminate Kuro5hin. Or maybe a soft purple.

Vegas isn't a liberal stronghold. It's the place where the rich and powerful gamble away their company's pension fund and strangle call girls in their hotel rooms. - Psycho Dave
[ Parent ]
Careful (4.50 / 2) (#36)
by leviathan on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 09:37:39 AM EST

Be careful where you're going with that purple. Get the shade wrong, and you could seriously overload the desperation warning system!

The blue's not bad - and it goes with my Mozilla skin! Hmm...how about a pale (not /.!) green scheme, mixing in with the blues and a floral motif replacing the bridge. Nice ;)

I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife.
- Dogbert
[ Parent ]

Purple? (3.00 / 1) (#54)
by fluffy grue on Sun Mar 11, 2001 at 03:45:27 AM EST

Did somebody say purple?

Magenta, maybe?
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

It's open source (3.33 / 3) (#6)
by weirdling on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 04:09:18 PM EST

I'll invent a new id, analyze your open-source bot, and figure how to have my own bot post high-hit comments. Sure, the thing will be modded to oblivion quickly, but if I might get laid for free out of it...

I'm not doing this again; last time no one believed it.
well... (3.00 / 2) (#9)
by br284 on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 05:00:20 PM EST

if you have the time to analyze the protocols, invent a new id, and create a bot to spam it -- and you end up getting some action out of it...

what can i say? the bot has done its job. maybe not as intended, but the results are the same. :-)


[ Parent ]
some folks (none / 0) (#50)
by h2odragon on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 04:43:25 PM EST

...just have to go about things in the hardest possible way.

[ Parent ]
Kidding aside, (4.11 / 9) (#10)
by Inoshiro on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 05:14:48 PM EST

there are a lot of people here who have problems of one nature or another. For people like me, it's not sexual release. Hello! Just search on google, or hit alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.. The internet can't provide a proper sense of compansionship which a special someone can provide.

Sexual release in a relationship is also far better than the tag-team masturbation of a quicky-hookup. It may be cool for those in the 14-17 age group, but beyond that, it gets pointless. You get the same fun as from a realdoll.

I'd be a lot happier if I could find a nice, intelligent woman to spend some time talking with. It's far better than what you propose.

[ イノシロ ]
Desperation Bot Activated (4.58 / 12) (#17)
by flowers on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 09:50:12 PM EST

Scanning post...
Analyzing profile...
Scanning for perfect match...
Placing secret call to...RUSH LIMBAUGH
whirr, tick, and so on.

[ Parent ]
that's exactly what I was thinking (1.00 / 1) (#26)
by sopwath on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 11:45:24 PM EST

Graduation, Sleep, Life: Pick Two
[ Parent ]
K5 Dating! (4.50 / 6) (#13)
by brainrain on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 07:27:15 PM EST

"technology, culture and dating from the trenches"

Some how, I just don't think that'll work.

Kleptotherapy - Helping those who help themselves
please God (4.00 / 4) (#18)
by jeanlucpikachu on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:03:22 PM EST

let someone make it... I'm so lonely :(

Capt. Jean-Luc Pikachu AIM: jeanlucpikachu
[ Parent ]
Good in theory (2.00 / 2) (#16)
by k5er on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 09:23:19 PM EST

This is a good idea in theory as I read somewhere female users out populate males on the net, however, whats the ratio of females to males on K5. -5000 horny guys to one female? (Same with /. or any other techy site)
Long live k5, down with CNN.
I don't know why... (3.50 / 2) (#21)
by Global-Lightning on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:33:36 PM EST

... but when I read your post, the South Park episode where Cartman's cat went into heat popped into my mind :)

[ Parent ]
Wow... (3.00 / 2) (#22)
by Mr. Excitement on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:36:13 PM EST


<MEL_BROOKS Type="Louis XVI">

"Everybody jump da qveen!"

IIRC, though, according to a (-n admittedly non-scientific) poll a while back, the Female/Total ratio on K5 was hovering between 4 and 5 percent.

Maybe there's a less exclusionary superset of traditional geekdom (and IANAG-dom) the site {c|w|sh}ould cater to?

1 141900 Mr. Excitement-Bar-Hum-Mal-Cha died in The Gnomish Mines on level 10 [max 12]. Killed by a bolt of lightning - [129]
[ Parent ]

orgy? (2.00 / 1) (#23)
by gunner800 on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:56:53 PM EST

Geeks love orgies.

---Ignore poorly-chosen handle for purpose of gun-control discussions.
[ Parent ]
ikkle technicality (4.33 / 3) (#19)
by scruffyMark on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 10:05:10 PM EST

Similarly, if there were a similar number of homosexual users of the same gender, the threshold would also lower.

Hee hee! Similar to what?

Which brings up the point, if we could get more gays into geeky fields, perhaps the problems assciated with whoopee deprivation would be alleviated...

Computer Science and Engineering schools are doing their best to encourage women to enroll. At my own school, we have "Go for IT, girls!" events (tours and propaganda for high school girls). And, it seems to be working. The first year classes look like they have a more balanced sex ratio than when I was in first year (judging by the occupants of the computer labs; I don't hang out in first year CS classes much).

So, what we need is perhaps a similar "Go for IT, queers!" campaign. Special tours for gay highschool students, geekier drag queens...

Ah well, it was an idea.

oh man! (none / 0) (#37)
by StackyMcRacky on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 09:50:34 AM EST

if there were more gays in IT, then maybe you people (the boys, that is) would start dressing better!!!!

[ Parent ]
Some of us do! (none / 0) (#46)
by Hechz on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 12:30:02 PM EST

Well I guess it depends on the market, but you can't walk into a data center without people talk about disk array size with obvious double entendre in the NYC area.

[ Parent ]
re: oh man! (none / 0) (#53)
by Zero Whitefur on Sat Mar 10, 2001 at 02:15:57 PM EST

'ey, I may be in IT and gay (and thus view this story with a quite a bit of bemusement) and I'm not a *horrible* dresser, but I have a penchant for tshirts and jeans, as most geeks seem to..I would *never* go to an interview or anyplace formal in anything less than my favorite suit (which I look damn fine in, if I do say..) ~.^

[ Parent ]
Spare me! (none / 0) (#39)
by caine on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 10:15:01 AM EST

I'm an Computer Science and Engineering student in Sweden, and happens to be bi. Please spare me any campaigns at all! Especially drag-queen contests. There's enough of them already on campus. Though the dressing part is true. Some people I simply cannot understand why they dress as they do. More important things on their minds than me I guess. :)


[ Parent ]

The Frinkiac-7 Being Brought to Life! (4.00 / 6) (#24)
by slakhead on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 11:06:48 PM EST

Ha! Sorry this Simpson's scene just occured to me after reading this article:

Frink: Well, sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive [to student] Don't touch it! [back to class] But I predict that within 100 years computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings in Europe will own them.

Apu: Could it be used for dating?

Frink: Well, technically, yes, but the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest. Ha-ho- ha-hey-hoo.

[Note: I yoinked this from the Simpson's Archive]

Bugs (4.00 / 4) (#25)
by eln on Wed Mar 07, 2001 at 11:32:40 PM EST

This all sounds like good clean fun until you end up being matched up for a yak hunting adventure in Outer Mongolia with Anne Marie.

Be careful what you wish for.

AM (none / 0) (#35)
by Luke Francl on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 09:37:04 AM EST

I'm sure "she's" a vegetarian, so I doubt that would happen.

Oh, god, I hope it won't happen.

Make it stop.

[ Parent ]
Case Study E: br284? (4.50 / 8) (#27)
by roystgnr on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 12:37:11 AM EST

Perhaps an ultra-sophisticated AI could glean some sexual desperation data from random K5 posts. Do the back-and-forth arguments about gun control reflect a true concern for our children, an intellectual interest in the freedom vs. safety dilemma, or a subconscious obsession with long steel barrels? Were the 266 comments on "Consenting to Rape?" posted by people interested in the morality question, or by people sucked like moths to the flame with the "frank about sexual situations" discussion?

Even trained human psychologists would have a problem with that, let alone a bot. But there's one obvious desperate cry for help that didn't escape my attention. My God, man, you just wrote three thousand words on how to get Kuro5hin geeks sex! Starting with technical details, then proceeding to vicarious fantasy dates!

Here's another suggestion: instead of having all the single male Kuro5hiners fight like dogs over the few precious females, why not encourage some of them to go outside!?! To talk to women from their own town/city!?! To even ask one of them on a date!?! Do you really need a bot to introduce you to susan235@hotmail.com for an intimate cyberdate, a spicy game of "is she really a woman?", and a few thousand dollars of long distance charges and plane tickets? What if, instead, the bot noticed that you were sexually frustrated, then locked your account for a week or a month or whatever it takes for you to go out and get some?

C'mon, tell me I'm wrong. I'm looking at your photo album now, and not seeing an SO. That Cammie girl looks too young, Jenny too old. Wait, damn, the server just became unpingable. Did you reboot while I was busy rummaging through your personal life? How rude! So who's this Sarah girl, anyway? You need to make some higher resolution photo scans anyway, you know that?

Oh, wait, you've been writing in your diary too. Well, that clears things up.

I wish I had some worthwhile advice to give, but I know next to nothing about women myself. I've already been running my mouth off, though, so why stop now? The only thing I've learned:

The answer to "Should I ask her out?" is always "Yes". If you follow this philosophy, and make a mistake, the possible downsides (embarassment, awkwardness added to friendship, angry boyfriend you didn't know she had) are all short term things you won't care about a year from now. If you don't follow this philosophy, and make the opposite mistake, you'll be kicking yourself much longer. The answer to "When should I ask her out?" is probably something like "ASAP", but I'm not as certain about that one. Finally, the answer to "How should I ask her out?" is "Hell if I know."

"How should I ask her out?" (5.00 / 2) (#38)
by StackyMcRacky on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 09:55:31 AM EST

A: "Would you like to get dinner some time?"

YES, it is that simple.

[ Parent ]
I wish I'd gotten to vote this -1 (2.00 / 6) (#28)
by Estanislao Martínez on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 01:21:28 AM EST

It is most certainly not funny.

Anyway, you draw generalizations about k5 users from the diaries of a handful of persons who keep repeatedly whining about their love (non)life? I find the repeated diary entries a minor annoyance, but successfully ignore them.

Not to mention the ad hominem angle here-- "Bah, if you weren't not getting laid, you wouldn't care about race relations". Shut up.


Man..Crashed my Desperation Detector... (4.50 / 4) (#41)
by JazzManJim on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 11:02:50 AM EST

Well this post just wrecked the prototype Despearation Detector.

I've never seen a program *whine* in pain before...! :-)

"Hostility toward America is a religious duty, and we hope to be rewarded for it by God...I am confident that Muslims will be able to end the legend of the so-called superpower that is America."
(Osama bin Laden - 10 Jan 1999)
[ Parent ]
Too right (5.00 / 1) (#56)
by davidmb on Tue Mar 13, 2001 at 09:42:44 AM EST

If proof were ever needed...
[ Parent ]
Amusing, but... (3.00 / 3) (#29)
by Nater on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 03:11:14 AM EST

I think this proposal makes for a good read (amusing), but would be a bad idea to implement.

It would bring karma whoring to a whole new level, and I mean that not just as a play on words. Suppose some K5er wants a piece, but isn't necessarily "needy"(wtf? needy!?), this hypothetical user could craft a series of posts designed to trigger the hook-up module and hook this person up with another K5er. Considering that scoop is open source, it would be very easy to study the AI for this purpose, or go the simplistic route and conduct "test-runs" in order to maximise the rate of "return."

BTW, did you happen to get this idea from Lawrence Waterhouse's mathematical dissection of horniness (sigma) in Cryptonomicon?

i heard someone suggest that we should help the US, just like they helped us in WWII. By waiting three years, then going over there, flashing our money around, shagging all the women and acting like we owned the place. --Seen in #tron

How very Randy (3.00 / 3) (#30)
by The Cunctator on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 04:02:13 AM EST

Ayn Randy, that is.

Joe Stud, aka John Galt.

I don't know which Wall Street you hang out at, but the average Wall Street investor type (I'm thinking stock broker/investment banker type her) is a meathead. Only those rare Galtian renaissance-cross-overs would read or post at K5, being both techy and able to grease the social wheels.

I gotta say, I love the levels of irony. A well crafted troll, in the best sense.

Am I Robert Shy? (3.00 / 4) (#31)
by codemonkey_uk on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 04:40:37 AM EST

Well, a quick search of the diarys shows that only one K5 person entered the IOCCC, and mentioned it in their diary. And that would be me. Damn you.

I'll have you know that I'm not "waiting for the perfect woman", and I have in fact already found her, and get "it" all the goddamn time thankyouverymuch.

(And I'm good at it too you know)

"The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." - Bertrand Russell

disclaimer (2.00 / 2) (#32)
by br284 on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 07:19:36 AM EST

I should have included the following:

The names and characters included in this piece are a work of fiction, and any similarity to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

As far as the reference to the C contest, that was just something I pulled out of my ass. If anything, the character of Robert Shy was based more upon a former roommate than anyone on K5.

As far as my false characterization of the typical Wall Streeter, that is probably the result of watching too many Michael Douglas movies recently.


[ Parent ]

My post, your article (3.00 / 3) (#33)
by codemonkey_uk on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 07:49:51 AM EST

Both with tongue firmly in cheek.

I assumed...
"The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." - Bertrand Russell
[ Parent ]

SWM ISO SF (4.00 / 1) (#34)
by winthrop on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 09:12:46 AM EST

Drugs/Disease/Microsoft-free. Enjoys long, passionate, naked coding sessions, getting down and dirty with a debugger. Looking for more experience with python, maybe a little bash on the side. If you open your source, I can free your software, guaranteed!

Sex is over-rated... (3.50 / 4) (#40)
by darthaggie on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 10:45:17 AM EST

Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
-- Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773)

I am BOFH. Resistance is futile. Your network will be assimilated.

re: Sex is over-rated... (4.00 / 1) (#45)
by Biff Cool on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 11:53:39 AM EST

Chicks are for Fags anyways

My ass. It's code, with pictures of fish attached. Get over it. --trhurler

[ Parent ]
Miss the point much? (3.20 / 5) (#42)
by ProudestMonkey on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 11:06:15 AM EST

good lord people, it's a joke. take it for what it's worth and have a laugh for once!

we spend all of our lives going out of our minds...
you'll have to forgive them (5.00 / 3) (#43)
by cory on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 11:33:14 AM EST

It's hard to have a sense of humor when you haven't gotten any in awhile.

[ Parent ]
We can not implement this! (3.57 / 7) (#44)
by theR on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 11:53:32 AM EST

Consider what could happen to Open Source if devolopers get laid. It will ruin and delay the future development of all things open source.

or . . . (1.50 / 2) (#47)
by bukvich on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 01:37:28 PM EST

Even that might be too hard for the clueless/nervous. Even simpler: You wanna go out?

Err, do I understand this? (5.00 / 9) (#48)
by esq on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 03:08:59 PM EST

Let me see if I understand this idea.

1. Log into K5

2. Post reactionary, uptight, flame bait

3. Get laid.

I'm not sure how this will reduce the number of overly reactionary posts, but sign me up. I think I've finally found a use for this technology thing! I always wondered what people used computers for ...

How could you?? (2.33 / 3) (#49)
by makaera on Thu Mar 08, 2001 at 03:26:30 PM EST

Why is there no poll??

Seriously, I think that this is a bad idea. From my own experience nerds and geeks do not exactly make for the best relationships.

"Ninety rounds in there," Joel Andrews said. "If you can't take it down with 90 rounds, you better turn in your badge!" -- from Washington Post

L O L... (1.00 / 1) (#51)
by thunderbee on Fri Mar 09, 2001 at 04:18:36 AM EST

... although I guess there is much truth behind the joke. It's a sad thing really. But then, it's quite hard to be a talented geek and to have a life at the same time, because staying on top of the wave takes up so much time.
But it can be done. It's just a question of not turning into something too disgusting while you search for your match.

Supply And Demand (4.28 / 7) (#52)
by dave.oflynn on Fri Mar 09, 2001 at 08:52:42 AM EST

This'd work quite nicely (and I even have some ideas on how to code it ;-)... but you're ignoring the laws of supply and demand. The population of k5 is 95% male, and so the 3 women here are going to be dating almost continuously for the next decade. Meanwhile every other guy just gets more and more frustrated, and k5 turns into that other site . (If you think I'm generalising crazily here, wait 'til you get to the next section.)

Following on from this, we've got 3 options:

  1. Increase the number of women on k5. Difficult. I doubt the OSDN ad revenue would pay for hookers.
  2. Decrease the number of men on k5. Very difficult. Culling populations is only legal when they're not human.* And most k5ers are human. Even the trolls... almost.
  3. Convince a large % of the k5 population of the benefits of homosexuality. This is my favoured option, mainly because it's the only one that's legal. Given the technical skills of many in the k5 community, it should be a piece of cake to organise a mass DNS hijacking, redirecting every known sex site to some hardcore gay porn. Enough exposure to this, and the problem of finding enough compatible partners will be no longer be the domain of theoretical mathematicians. As a bonus, the kick-backs from the gay porn sites will part-fund the implementation of option one.

    Bonus side-effect: K5 will become a B2C success story, and Rusty will be on the cover of Time magazine!
    Even better bonus side-effect: k5 will float on the NASDAQ and we'll all have enough money to get laid wherever we want! Problem solved. QED.

  4. * except in Texas.

Male/Female ratios online (3.50 / 2) (#58)
by Keslin on Wed Mar 21, 2001 at 03:56:17 PM EST

There are quite a lot of studies that indicate that women actually outnumber men online. Around places like Slashdot and Kuro5hin though, girls like me are definitely in the minority. I think that's because most women online are more interested in using features like email and instant messaging that will help them to keep in touch with actual real-life friends, whereas men are more likely to utilize the web to participate in communities like this. That's a sweeping generalization, sure, but that's what I think.

A corollary to that sweeping generalization is that when men use the net, the tend to isolate themselves from real life, as opposed to women who use it to solidify their real life relationships with real life people. Extrapolating further into an even more tenuous conclusion, we could possibly also theorize that when a women is net savvy, she is more likely than her technophobic sisters to have an easy time getting laid, whereas net-using men are less likely than their unwired brethren to get nookie on-demand.

I disagree though, with the idea that the few girls like me around Kuro5hin have an easy time getting dates specifically because of the ratios on this site. Kuro5hin is not a good place to find people for real-life meetings, and hanging out here definitely does not improve my status in the dating pool. It's true that I have an easy time dating and getting laid whenever I want, but I really don't think that fact has anything to do with my participation on Kuro5hin, or the male/female ratio here. Perhaps the easy availability of sex for me is the reason why I have such little interest in wasting my time on flame wars, I don't know. I've never considered it from that angle.

As for point one, why would you really be all that concerned with increasing the female population around here? I am amazed at how much time Kuro5hin spends considering the female point of view. I think that it's really great that this site is attended by such a considerate group of people that you would put so much consideration into what is definitely a minority faction, but I really don't think that it's necessary. Venues that are oriented toward the discussion of technology generally have very low female representation. That's normal, nothing wrong with it. You don't see a bunch of women sitting around in arts and crafts stores fretting over how to get more men involved, so why should you guys be so worried about getting more women involved here?

-Keslin, the naked nerd girl.

[ Parent ]
I think it's often backwards actually.... (2.00 / 3) (#55)
by TheCaptain on Mon Mar 12, 2001 at 09:19:33 AM EST

You say that the average K5 poster is much too highstrung and far too defensive to be healthy...sometimes this is correct. However, I think oftentimes the average K5 author puts out such low grade crap and calls it a story (which often somehow manages to make the front page) that alot of people who actually use their big brains to think can't help but get a little irked.

Oh..yeah...and for the record...occassionally some of the stories are good...which is about the only reason I am here.

View Stories Posted by The Captain (2.50 / 2) (#59)
by TuxNugget on Thu Mar 22, 2001 at 02:44:17 AM EST

View Stories Posted by The Captain
What's this? None posted? Then why bitch about others poor attempts?


I remember a character in a Robert Heinlein novel, can't remember which one -- noting how absolutely useless literary critics are. The argument went as follows:

To become an electrical engineer, you must demonstrate the ability to design and build circuits. To become a physicist, you must demonstrate the ability to solve the equations. But to become a literary expert, you need not demonstrate an ability to write -- only an ability to criticize the writings of others.

Of course, I suppose it is also good to know your own limits.

[ Parent ]

What I know about girls ... (3.80 / 5) (#57)
by bemis on Tue Mar 13, 2001 at 01:39:37 PM EST

...When I started this exploration for knowledge I knew only two difinitive things about women -- They're soft, and they smell nice. After 6 weeks of painstaking research, several dates, a few one-night-stands and $18,000: Girls are soft. And they smell nice.

(roughly remembered from an old Maxim my roomate had in the bathroom)

-shut up dude! i'm just trying to impress your mom!

Proposal For A K5 Hook-Up Module | 59 comments (52 topical, 7 editorial, 0 hidden)
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