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Why curry should be illegal

By Davidicus in Meta
Sun Apr 29, 2001 at 11:07:16 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)
Humour

I've seen some stories here on K5 lately talking about the great evil war on curry and how curry should be legalized. I thought I would show a counterpoint on why they should remain illegal and the "war" on curry should continue. Please note that my argument does not include cilantro, a relatively mild curry with some redeeming value.


with appologies to onyxruby

There are three basic issues with curry that should make its manufacture and distribution illegal.

First Curry is addictive

Here in the US we have recently had several multi billion dollar lawsuits against the tobacco industry for creating a product that is addictive and kills people. Public consensus has been quite approving of these actions, even amongst smokers. The basic issue, a product was sold that creates addicts, inducing great financial cost, and does bad things to their bodies. It is not uncommon for smokers to die from Lung Cancer, and have other serious health problems.

Street curry causes far greater addictions in their victims than tobacco ever has. Chances are that most people do not become addicted to tobacco after one use, yet this can easily occur with curry like Paprika. To put this in geek terms for those who haven't had a lot of exposure to curry, thing of Microsoft's upcoming .Net software. Once you start to use the product, you can't stop without really nasty side affects. Continued use makes you more and more hooked, and causes greater financial damage to the user.

Any attempt to break away from curry use requires significant lifestyle change and can be extremely emotionally and physically draining. In some cases, physical damage can occur to those who attempt to break their habit. This addiction is the ultimate marketing tool, working from within, to fulfill a need that can never be finished. It is not uncommon that this can transform ordinary people into thieves, prostitutes, and all to often even murder just to sustain their addiction.

Second Curry has nasty physical side affects

Society would never tolerate a commercial curry maker that would sell something that might cause harm to someone who takes it under even under remote and unusual circumstances. Society also would certainly never tolerate any commercially produced curry that is known to cause birth defects and create serious risks for pregnant Women. In the United States we are concerned enough about this to have the FCA (Food and Curry Administration) just to prevent this kind of thing from happening. I know Canada, Japan, and Europe all have equivalent agencies that serve parallel functions.

The physical damage that can be done to the body by street curry can be severe, and often fatal. Ask any paramedic or emergency room doctor how many of their patients have died from curry overdoses and you'll get an answer in a heartbeat. It's a chronic problem, and in some areas can be a leading causes of death. I have a direct relative that works in a Labor and Delivery ward of an inner city hospital. Cayenne babies, and those with physical and mental defects are born every single night. Being born addicted to something like Paprika or Cayenne is perhaps one of the cruelest things that can be done to somebody, yet it happens nightly in hospitals across the country.

Other physical damage can include things like brain seizures, coma, high blood pressure, Paprika addicts can destroy the inside of their nose, anorexia, convulsions, destroy neurons in the brain, kidney failure, strokes and on and on. Society would never accept any commercially produced curry that stood even a slim chance of causing any of these things, why should it accept illegal curry that can cause many of these things? (Just look how GW Bush turned out).

Third Curry has nasty Psychological side affects

The worst thing that curry do to people is cause severe Psychological damage. People who become addicted change in almost every way. These changes can sometimes be hidden from people on the surface, but they are no more than skin deep for the addicts. Stealing, robbing, grafting, kiting, and embezzlement are all commonly done to by addicts to people that they hold dearest. Most addicts would never dream of doing any of these things to people if they were not addicted to the curry. Priorities change, homes, cars, relationships, family, careers, and friends all get sacrificed to feed the need.

Long term curry use frequently causes acute paranoia, delirium, and loss of mental capacity. Some addicts can literally get high simply by reliving memories of being high. If you've ever known someone who's had an acid flashback, your probably in trepidation of ever suffering one yourself. Worst of all, even if you do become sober, you are still an addict for the rest of your life. Withdrawal for any addict is a constant day to day fight, one that often is the hardest thing that they will do in their entire life. Even a single relapse can cause the addiction to start over.

In short

Some people have a personality that is far more addictive than others, and without doubt a great many people experiment with curry without ever going through any of the above. So why am I making a fuss? Simple, for too many people, the experimentation turns to addiction and they do do face these problems. The common argument I have heard for the legalization of curry is that people who are involved with curry harm no one but themselves. Unfortunately, unless you live in a cave, grow your own, and have no family of friends, this isn't the case.

Ultimately, it's not even a case of consenting adults choosing to do something, as the curry remove the free willed consent with their addictive nature. The damage that is done both phsically and mentally is too great to tolerate, so why should society legalize this? The price that is paid by the addict to fulfill their need is rarely ever paid by the addict alone.

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Poll
Is this 'pushing it'?
o Hell yes, Drugs are bad, trivializing them is bad 6%
o No. Curry is a scourge upon the face of society 12%
o Yes, its just not funny 9%
o No, but its still not funny 27%
o I'm too hepped up on curry to tell, man. 43%

Votes: 131
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Also by Davidicus


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Why curry should be illegal | 52 comments (20 topical, 32 editorial, 1 hidden)
I've been a curry user for 5 years now (4.40 / 5) (#2)
by unstable on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 09:02:31 AM EST

And I feel that the current curry laws are unconstitutional. Its my body I can load it up on curry if I want. Its not like I'm harming anyone else in the proccess.





Reverend Unstable
all praise the almighty Bob
and be filled with slack

HEY!!! (5.00 / 2) (#41)
by physicsgod on Fri Apr 27, 2001 at 02:02:17 AM EST

Some of us have to sit next to you on the bus.

--- "Those not wearing body armor are hereby advised to keep their arguments on-topic" Schlock Mercenary
[ Parent ]
Ummmmmm... Doughnu^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Curry! (5.00 / 6) (#3)
by greyrat on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 09:05:08 AM EST

Let's just keep all refernces to curry away from our schools. If I can keep my kids from trying curry between the age of 14 and 18, chances are they'll never try it.
~ ~ ~
Did I actually read the article? No. No I didn't.
"Watch out for me nobbystyles, Gromit!"

The problem (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by Davidicus on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 09:14:13 AM EST

The problem with that is that it will only create a sence of "forbidden fruit" and will only increse the desire to use such forbidden spices.

[ Parent ]
"This is a Curry-Free Zone" (5.00 / 2) (#33)
by Luke Francl on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 01:41:48 PM EST

The only possible solution is to create "Curry-Free Zones" around schools, and double or even triple the fines for distributing or consuming curry or other spices in the Zone.

Our school lunches MUST be kept safe from spicy food!

And don't even START talking to me about providing milk or water to quench the thirst of curry addicts. That would sanction their abhorent behavior and only encurage them to induldge in more curry-related activities!

[ Parent ]
but how do i... (4.00 / 1) (#34)
by chopper on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 02:06:39 PM EST

keep my kids off of curry? i mean, i can't watch them all the time.

and the stuff taught by C.A.R.E. (Curry Abuse Resistance Education) in school today doesn't seem to be enough.

C.A.R.E. to keep kids off curry!

give a man a fish,he'll eat for a day

give a man religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish
[ Parent ]

What's wrong with Tim Curry? (4.33 / 3) (#11)
by RangerBob on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 09:20:50 AM EST

I do think he's a pretty cool actor after all. I'll admit it is a bit addictive to watch him since he plays evil characters so dang well. Yeah, he does provoke some physical side effects because I generally laugh when I watch him on tv, but so far he hasn't caused any ill effects in my wife. Well, then again, come to think of it, seeing him dressed up as a transvestite vampire does tend to cause me some stomach cramps, but it goes away when Halloween is over. As far as psychological effects, well, I guess he does make people want to turn into cool evil villians that everyone just loves to hate, but everyone needs a role model (again, except for turning into a transvestite vampire).

Hi, I'm Jabber, and I'm a Curry lover. (4.81 / 16) (#19)
by jabber on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 09:31:22 AM EST

  1. Admit that you have become powerless over curry, and that your diet has become unmanagable.
  2. Come to believe in a Power greater than Mango Laasi, that can restore you to sanity, and more importantly, regularity.
  3. Make a decision to turn your Indian cookbooks and spice rack over to the trash bin.
  4. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your medicine cabinet, seeking antacid.
  5. Admit to God, yourself and a Taco-Bell employee the exact nature of your transgression.
  6. Be entirely ready to have your local Farmer's Market replace all these defects of nutrition.
  7. Humbly went shopping for organically grown Tofu.
  8. Make a list of all people whom we ever forced to wait while you exacuated your colon - and be willing to make amends.
  9. Treated all such people to a Slush Puppy, except when doing so would force them into a diabetic coma.
  10. Continue to take stock of your eating habits, and promptly admit it whenever you eat something spicy.
  11. Sought through prayer and the consumption of massive amounts of controlled substances to come to the complete understanding that if it burns going in, it will burn coming out, and that there is not amount of yogurt that will change that.
  12. Having had a painful awakening in the middle of the night, due to overconsumption of curry, carry this message to Indian food addicts and practice these principles in our daily dining.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

I've seen this before... (3.66 / 3) (#29)
by ebunga on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 11:56:53 AM EST

Didn't The Daily Show do something like this about curry at one time?

Apologies to Queen... (4.88 / 17) (#30)
by deefer on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 12:03:19 PM EST

Don't know who wrote this, nut it wasn't me...

Indian Curry Rhapsody
(to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)



Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead.
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
Naan, ohhhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet - Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On, Curry On
Cause Nothing Really Madras

-Too Late, My Dinner's Gone
Sends Shivers Down my Spine
Rectum Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
Naan, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Doopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All

Guitar Solo

I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely
Very Very Spicy
Meat
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a Naan
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory

Stand you Well Back
Cause the Loo is Quarantined...
Here it Comes
There it Goes
Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder
NO!

It's Coming up Again
(There he Goes)
I Chunder Its Coming back Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again
(No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knees I'm on my Knees

On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo
It's About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....

Guitar Solo

So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out
It Just had to Come Right out in Here

Curry really matters, Anyone can see,
Curry really matters,
Curry really matters to me.

Any way my wind blows....
<br><BR><BR><B><I>Strong data typing is for weak minds.</I></B><BR><br>

What of the Indians? (4.66 / 3) (#36)
by weirdling on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 03:17:40 PM EST

All the young children in India are shamelessly subjected to curry by the adults and are made addicted to it. A multi-national coalition needs to be formed to substitute hamburgers for this vile practice...

I'm not doing this again; last time no one believed it.
Just great! (3.50 / 2) (#38)
by Alorelith on Thu Apr 26, 2001 at 06:57:38 PM EST

Sweet, now I have to give another speech to my class as to why we Libertarians believe that Big Government shouldn't be making laws that prohibit decent human beings from running their own lives. Why can't those pesky government people just leave us alone!

I feel another perfect score in my near future!





----
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. -- Nietzsche

Support Curry Rights (4.33 / 3) (#45)
by Devil Ducky on Fri Apr 27, 2001 at 11:12:26 AM EST

I've been known to use Paprika on occasion, and I don't think I could wake up in the morning if it wasn't for Cinnamon. Some of my best friends are Curry users, and I don't see anything wrong with them. This war on spices needs to end.

If you want to control the spice trade, you should make them controlled substances like sugar. Sugar may be dangerous and addictive, but yet it's freely available in any resturant (even McDonald's, long the Pro-Salt Campaign champion), but it is controlled and regulated to small doses of a little packet at a time.

Don't fight it, control it. And in the mean time hear my war cry: "Season, Season, Pass!"

Devil Ducky

Immune to the Forces of Duct Tape
Day trading at it's Funnest
A form of Prohibition (4.50 / 2) (#46)
by joecool12321 on Fri Apr 27, 2001 at 02:27:33 PM EST

Making curry illegal is simply another form of prohibition. Soon, curry speakeasies will pop up around the nation -- even in your own neighborhood. And with these illegal establishments will come the underside of America. Curry gangsters, in full Capone-ian glory, will soon terrorize enemy dealers, leading to all-out curry wars in Anytown, USA.

But if we make curry legal, crime rates will fall. Family life will be restored. And the sun will shine on America again.

--Any originality is purely coincidental

Indeed, it is evil! (4.66 / 3) (#47)
by decaf_dude on Sat Apr 28, 2001 at 12:04:36 AM EST

I tried to quit several times and I'm fine until Friday night. I guess having a few pints with me mates, I completely forget myself and come 3:30 Saturday morning, I'm out there dipping my naan and spilling rice all over. It ain't pretty, but there's nothing I can do. I even tried going to the McDonald's Clinic for Currily Insane (my curry dealer was taken in by the Public Health authorities and I needed a fix soon), but the stuff they give you to get you off curry is just lame in comparison to a good Madras.

Ah! Just like in that song: long mornings in the loo after a night of Vindaloo!

--
http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=89158&cid=7713039


The war on curry (5.00 / 2) (#48)
by strlen on Sat Apr 28, 2001 at 12:48:02 PM EST

Well what about this? A plane carrying missionaries has been shot down by the Thai air force, as suspected of carrying cury. How can we tolerate that? I say end the war on cury, and treat it as a dietary problem.



--
[T]he strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone. - Henrik Ibsen.
Curry has valid uses (none / 0) (#51)
by goosedaemon on Sun Apr 29, 2001 at 08:30:01 PM EST

I especially point out turmeric, which can serve as a viable substitute for litmus paper. A total ban on curry would be foolish.

Why curry should be illegal | 52 comments (20 topical, 32 editorial, 1 hidden)
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