Supreme Dictator For Life, and Wielder of the Heavy Blunt Object
As founder of the K5 Cabal, he retains full dictatorial control
over K5. Originally, he had stated that both rusty and Inoshiro would have
to write "ALL MY BASE ARE
BELONG TO THE K5 CABAL." Hence, revised, the Supreme Dictator stated
that they would be considered spoils of war, and chained to a computer,
forced to work on Scoop for the greater glory of the Cabal. At this point,
another aide pointed out that these were the same people who MADE Scoop, and
therefore, would probably would need to have firehoses turned on them to
keep them FROM working on Scoop. Hence, the pair were simply sent back home,
where they would continue working on Scoop.
High Imperator of the Troll Council
Spiralx, the first member of the Cabal, has henceforth been
named to the position of "High Imperator of the Troll Council", and
therefore has been granted domain over all posts regarding "All Your Base",
goatse.cx, poll options containing 'Inoshiro',
and claims of "Mod Abuse".
Minister of Coding Simians, and ambassador to Microsoft
codemonkey_uk, long recognized for his coding ability, now will
be tackling a new arena: diplomacy. (Also known as saying "Nice Doggie" long
enough to find a rock.) As ambassador to Microsoft, he will be working
closely with their development team (AKA an infinite number of monkeys on
Minister of Monitor Toys, and Commander of the Legions of Jack-Booted Thugs
Long recognized as Shadow from the Final Fantasy series, she is
hereby placed in command of the Legions of Jack-Booted Thugs. Between the
time she spent as Shadow, and the underlying belief of the Supreme Dictator
that ANYONE that comes across as THAT sweet and
innocent has GOT to have one hell of an evil
streak... it is believed that she will serve well as Minister of Defense.
First Cat, and weilder of the sharp, pointy stick
Having started out as her name stated, a mere cat, she was given
super-powered intelligence during an extended stay in the Slashdot server room. There, the
radiation bombardment would have turned a normal human being into a
troll-like creature. But in Merekat's case, it gave her an IQ approximated
at around 195. Since then, she has joined the ranks of the K5 Cabal as the
sole exception to rule #8 (Although she still refuses to come near him,
citing moral objections), and wielder of the sharp, pointy stick... the holy
LART used to keep those detractors of the Cabal in line, and used in
circumstances when the heavy blunt object is not considered necessary. Her
current objective has her en route to Signal
Chief Medical Officer
Our sole reminder that computers are not, in fact, the only geek
thing out there. Her biological nature is often most confusing to many, who
in the process of learning kung f00 and obfuscated C++, forgot their 10th grade bio
classes to the extent of only remembering such basic facts as "Keep internal
organs inside you" and "One plus one
equals three". Her current station keeps her busy as the first line of
defense against Anne
Marie science articles.
Minister of Cubicle Toys
To include all Far Side calendars, Koosh toys, Nerf guns,
Gameboys, and other various implements of work-avoidance tools. Of course,
this also means that he's well armed enough to take all of us out in a
cubicle Nerf war.... Hmm. Maybe this wasn't the best idea...
Gender-free zone physicist, Linux running daredevil
Best known for the daredevil stunt of running Linux with only
8MB of RAM,
ana brings gender-free zone physics to the cabal's repetoire... even if
we're not sure WHAT Zone Physics is, or how having them be Gender-Free would
be any great advantage. (Personally, I never thought gender played that
big of a role in physics. Unless, of course, we're counting aerodynamics or
Canuck: The Grand Canadian, and syndicated humourist to Armaphine's
The Grand Canadian, long known bastard,
torturer of his incompetent PFY, and flag-carrier for the
Great White North. (Insert music from the Mackenzie Brothers here) Also
keeper and defender of the Great
Northen Bounty (a.k.a. the beer
stash), on top of which he is currently perched with LART in hand,
defending it against all trolls, lusers, and otherwise
Chief of the K5 Cabal Air Force
After finding a copy of Chuck Yeager's DNA on a warez site (It
was the only link still good), iGrrrl then cloned him during her lunch hour,
and brought him to maturity by the time to head home. Being left all alone
in the lab, he then proceeded to get a hold of a copy of Microsoft Flight
Simulator, and was fully instrument-rated by morning. Since then, he have
flown anything he could get into, and has recently been awarded the title of
General of the K5 Air Force. (OK, so technically he IS the Air
House UnKuro5hin Activities Captain
Monitor of all un-kuro5hin-like activities, such as treating
this as if it were Slashdot, Mojo-Whoring,
and the like. Or at least, it will be his position once he: (A) Tells us
what a Zorn is, (B) Explains why one would chug such a thing, and (C) why he
feels himself to be a captain of this pastime.
You know, we don't know what that is either. Hell, I don't think
he knows what it is. Personally, I'd say that copious amounts of whiskey were invloved
when he made up this title. I'm thinking that some low-quality, S&M-style
pr0n may have been involved as well, but can't say for certain. All we know
is finkployd, we all care about you and hope you will see professional
Poorly-translated sidekick, and general bullet sponge
Better known as the infamous 'Cats' from ZeroWing, he often
speaks in the manner of one who speaks perfect English... after it has been
Japanese to German to Russian to Greek to Klingon to Spanish to Redneck to
Italian to Arabic to English. He is often noted for managing to get himself
killed in every confrontation, akin to a K5 version of Kenny.
Chief Advisor to the Magic 8-ball. Deputy Slack Collector
Last seen sitting in his office, repeating "Will I find a big
sack of money in my drawer?", shaking the eight
ball, opening the drawer, slamming it shut, and repeating this strange
ritual over and over again.
Military Envoy to the Kiss Army
Also stands in the back with a lead pipe at most public
functions. So if you're wondering who that person was that smacked you in
the back of the head with a lead pipe, stepped on your back, and stole your
wallet at that concert, I think we've found a suspect.
President of Cabal Grammar Nazi Department
When not performing his primary duties as President of Cabal Grammer Nazi
Department, AdamJ can be found in the barracks teaching wrestling moves to
Chief pack rat
As Chief Pack Rat, Spendocrat will be in charge of storing all
hard drives that Armaphine had to format, and is currently working on a
way of daisy-chaining them all together, to give the cabal close to 80TB of
disk space for storage. However, the fact that Armaphine had already called
"dibs" on 90% of it for his pr0n collection leaves many scratching their
heads, not so much from the motivation of his actions, as much as how he got
that much pr0n down a 56K modem.
Programmer at Arms
Our favorite hex address of them all, his title was actually a
typo on his buisness card. His real title still remains programmer OF arms,
and he comments that he loves his job programming synthetic arms for people.
His various arms include the "Arnold" model, the "Fast typer" model, and his
fastest development ever, the "pr0n surfer" model. Actually, it's a very
simple program, step 1, step 2, goto Start...
Trainer of PFYs
Responsible for the bringing up of sufficently evil sysadmins,
hell-desk operators, and tape monkeys, training them to become the PFYs and
BOFHs of the next generation, giving them such skills as LART-weilding,
remote administration/detontation, as well as the final test: Assembling an
etherkiller while blindfolded in under a minute.
Secretary of Troll Affairs.
In addition to the above position, perdida is rumored to be the
organizer and editor of the K5 Cabal newsletter.
greener works closely with codemonkey_uk since going undercover
in Microsoft's development team. Assuming he can do more than just drool and
smack the keyboard now, he should be sending us a message soon.
Keeper of the sacred word "Ni"
When not guarding the secret word, kwsNI and be found in the
barracks singing The LumberJack song and 'Sit on my face'. By doing so, he
provides cheap entertainment for the K5 army.
Captain of the EtherSeas
We've considered promoting him to Admiral, but his preformance
review shows that he has dislike of other captains. Seeing as we did not
want to inflate his ego, we denied this raise in ranks. That, and well... we
think some inappropriate activities may be going on between him and his
ERROR 404: Spoon could not be
Sublime Master of the North(bridge)
By day, he watches a server room, by night, he watches Sci-Fi stuff and does unspeakable things
with his better half, Jojo. He's also got a preoccupation with monkeys. As
we are not quite sure how this will help the cabal in the long run, a
preoccupation with monkeys certainly can't hurt us. For now, he is assisting
in trying additional volunteers for the undercover missions pertaining
Microsoft's development team.
Just-No-Title (So for now, we're simply pretending he's a large
Having never actually completed a Cabal application, we haven't
quite yet determine Justinfinity's final cabal
Director of Cabal Drug Policy
Armaphine and DJBongHit had a very long conference regarding the
Cabal Drug Policy. After explaining that yes, we actually did need a policy,
and no, DJBongHit staying stoned was not, in fact, a policy as much as an
ongoing effort. Armaphine then proposed that persons caught with drugs be
made to give them up for a period of time to clean themselves up. The
resulting melee was not pretty due to the rather ugly slap-fighting
shall have every attempt to erase it from memory made. And so, the
compromise was met that persons caught using drugs will, in fact, be made to
give them up for a prescribed amount of time. Namely, until it comes back
around to them.
Weird guy with lots of hair
reshippie has dislike for Microsoft, magical powers that result
in good Customer Service and therefore, should not be trusted.
LART Captain, second class
A LART apprentice to the Supreme Dictator Armaphine, Fyrefiend
looks up to his superior with both admiration and fear. His expert wielding
of various LARTs can only come from a careful combination of insomnia and
his focusing of the frustration he expended trying to switch his desktop
from Windows to Linux.
Master of Editoral Comments and Story Rating explanations
leviathan also serves as undercover link-checker
Queen Bitch and Webmistress of the K5 Cabal
Criminal mastermind, and queen bitch of the K5 Cabal, reel_life
has served as his second-in-command.
In addition to providing the necessary motivation
for Armaphine's completion of certain projects, she has performed ther many
operations for the greater glory of the cabal. Hence, the Sumpreme
Dictator has withheld the results of her experimentation with gene-splicing
small children and vegetables from the appropriate
When not missing in action, error_404 serves as protector of the
woodworking tools and sharpener of the sharp, pointy
stick. We hope to hear from him soon because the sharp, pointy stick
will soon become the dull, rounded stick.
Fifth Class Subordinate Janitor
As Fifth Class Subordinate Janitor, lee_malatesta is often found
cleaning up our messes. When not cleaning up beer cans and nacho crumbs, he
serves as an lead argument destroyer, BBQer of sacred cows and launderer of
members flame-retardant suits.
Noted for his l33t Unreal
level-building skillz. His other position in the cabal is generally linked
to wearing sunglasses and a black suit, and vehemently denying the existance
of 'the r3volution' in message boards and occassionally in real life, as
well as producing propaganda material with the evil henchwoman
axxeman: The late-comer
As the last person to apply for the cabal, almost a month and a half later, mind you, axxeman's title of "Sensitive New Age Bastard"
was summarily rejected, as there is no fscking way that a true bastard can be sensitive, lest they feel some sort of sympathy and compassion for the lusers which delays the killing stroke to keep the network up and running.
Phoebe: Honorary Cabal Member
Cabal Member by marriage, she is hereby admitted into the cabal, on the provision that at some point, AmberEyes gets some good lovin'. (Hey, if the Supreme Dictator can't get some good lovin', at least someone will get good lovin' out of this...)