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Ladies and Gentlemen, Your K5 Cabal!

By Armaphine in Meta
Wed May 02, 2001 at 06:15:48 PM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

On February 6th, 2001, Armaphine sat at his job as a desktop support tech, bored with the fact that the was far more l33t than this job. In the psychotropic haze of boredom and caffeine, he came to a conclusion: If there is no K5 Cabal, then theoretically he could possibly START one... and thus the K5 Cabal was started....

Armaphine: Supreme Dictator For Life, and Wielder of the Heavy Blunt Object
As founder of the K5 Cabal, he retains full dictatorial control over K5. Originally, he had stated that both rusty and Inoshiro would have to write "ALL MY BASE ARE BELONG TO THE K5 CABAL." Hence, revised, the Supreme Dictator stated that they would be considered spoils of war, and chained to a computer, forced to work on Scoop for the greater glory of the Cabal. At this point, another aide pointed out that these were the same people who MADE Scoop, and therefore, would probably would need to have firehoses turned on them to keep them FROM working on Scoop. Hence, the pair were simply sent back home, where they would continue working on Scoop.

Spiralx: High Imperator of the Troll Council

Spiralx, the first member of the Cabal, has henceforth been named to the position of "High Imperator of the Troll Council", and therefore has been granted domain over all posts regarding "All Your Base", goatse.cx, poll options containing 'Inoshiro', and claims of "Mod Abuse".
CodeMonkey_UK: Minister of Coding Simians, and ambassador to Microsoft
codemonkey_uk, long recognized for his coding ability, now will be tackling a new arena: diplomacy. (Also known as saying "Nice Doggie" long enough to find a rock.) As ambassador to Microsoft, he will be working closely with their development team (AKA an infinite number of monkeys on consoles)
Shirobara: Minister of Monitor Toys, and Commander of the Legions of Jack-Booted Thugs
Long recognized as Shadow from the Final Fantasy series, she is hereby placed in command of the Legions of Jack-Booted Thugs. Between the time she spent as Shadow, and the underlying belief of the Supreme Dictator that ANYONE that comes across as THAT sweet and innocent has GOT to have one hell of an evil streak... it is believed that she will serve well as Minister of Defense.
Merekat: First Cat, and weilder of the sharp, pointy stick
Having started out as her name stated, a mere cat, she was given super-powered intelligence during an extended stay in the Slashdot server room. There, the radiation bombardment would have turned a normal human being into a troll-like creature. But in Merekat's case, it gave her an IQ approximated at around 195. Since then, she has joined the ranks of the K5 Cabal as the sole exception to rule #8 (Although she still refuses to come near him, citing moral objections), and wielder of the sharp, pointy stick... the holy LART used to keep those detractors of the Cabal in line, and used in circumstances when the heavy blunt object is not considered necessary. Her current objective has her en route to Signal 11.
iGrrrl: Chief Medical Officer
Our sole reminder that computers are not, in fact, the only geek thing out there. Her biological nature is often most confusing to many, who in the process of learning kung f00 and obfuscated C++, forgot their 10th grade bio classes to the extent of only remembering such basic facts as "Keep internal organs inside you" and "One plus one equals three". Her current station keeps her busy as the first line of defense against Anne Marie science articles.
Tympanic: Minister of Cubicle Toys
To include all Far Side calendars, Koosh toys, Nerf guns, Gameboys, and other various implements of work-avoidance tools. Of course, this also means that he's well armed enough to take all of us out in a cubicle Nerf war.... Hmm. Maybe this wasn't the best idea...
ana: Gender-free zone physicist, Linux running daredevil
Best known for the daredevil stunt of running Linux with only 8MB of RAM, ana brings gender-free zone physics to the cabal's repetoire... even if we're not sure WHAT Zone Physics is, or how having them be Gender-Free would be any great advantage. (Personally, I never thought gender played that big of a role in physics. Unless, of course, we're counting aerodynamics or something...)
Phil the Canuck: The Grand Canadian, and syndicated humourist to Armaphine's Diary
The Grand Canadian, long known bastard, torturer of his incompetent PFY, and flag-carrier for the Great White North. (Insert music from the Mackenzie Brothers here) Also keeper and defender of the Great Northen Bounty (a.k.a. the beer stash), on top of which he is currently perched with LART in hand, defending it against all trolls, lusers, and otherwise undesirables.
FlightTest: Chief of the K5 Cabal Air Force
After finding a copy of Chuck Yeager's DNA on a warez site (It was the only link still good), iGrrrl then cloned him during her lunch hour, and brought him to maturity by the time to head home. Being left all alone in the lab, he then proceeded to get a hold of a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator, and was fully instrument-rated by morning. Since then, he have flown anything he could get into, and has recently been awarded the title of the General of the K5 Air Force. (OK, so technically he IS the Air Force...)
CaptainZornChugger: House UnKuro5hin Activities Captain
Monitor of all un-kuro5hin-like activities, such as treating this as if it were Slashdot, Mojo-Whoring, and the like. Or at least, it will be his position once he: (A) Tells us what a Zorn is, (B) Explains why one would chug such a thing, and (C) why he feels himself to be a captain of this pastime.
finkployd: Laminatrix
You know, we don't know what that is either. Hell, I don't think he knows what it is. Personally, I'd say that copious amounts of whiskey were invloved when he made up this title. I'm thinking that some low-quality, S&M-style pr0n may have been involved as well, but can't say for certain. All we know is finkployd, we all care about you and hope you will see professional help.
Denor: Poorly-translated sidekick, and general bullet sponge
Better known as the infamous 'Cats' from ZeroWing, he often speaks in the manner of one who speaks perfect English... after it has been translated from Japanese to German to Russian to Greek to Klingon to Spanish to Redneck to Italian to Arabic to English. He is often noted for managing to get himself killed in every confrontation, akin to a K5 version of Kenny.
jabber: Chief Advisor to the Magic 8-ball. Deputy Slack Collector
Last seen sitting in his office, repeating "Will I find a big sack of money in my drawer?", shaking the eight ball, opening the drawer, slamming it shut, and repeating this strange ritual over and over again.
HypoLuxa: Military Envoy to the Kiss Army
Also stands in the back with a lead pipe at most public functions. So if you're wondering who that person was that smacked you in the back of the head with a lead pipe, stepped on your back, and stole your wallet at that concert, I think we've found a suspect.
AdamJ: President of Cabal Grammar Nazi Department
When not performing his primary duties as President of Cabal Grammer Nazi Department, AdamJ can be found in the barracks teaching wrestling moves to young recruits.
Spendocrat: Chief pack rat
As Chief Pack Rat, Spendocrat will be in charge of storing all the old hard drives that Armaphine had to format, and is currently working on a way of daisy-chaining them all together, to give the cabal close to 80TB of disk space for storage. However, the fact that Armaphine had already called "dibs" on 90% of it for his pr0n collection leaves many scratching their heads, not so much from the motivation of his actions, as much as how he got that much pr0n down a 56K modem.
0xDEADBEEF: Programmer at Arms
Our favorite hex address of them all, his title was actually a typo on his buisness card. His real title still remains programmer OF arms, and he comments that he loves his job programming synthetic arms for people. His various arms include the "Arnold" model, the "Fast typer" model, and his fastest development ever, the "pr0n surfer" model. Actually, it's a very simple program, step 1, step 2, goto Start...
forgey: Trainer of PFYs
Responsible for the bringing up of sufficently evil sysadmins, hell-desk operators, and tape monkeys, training them to become the PFYs and BOFHs of the next generation, giving them such skills as LART-weilding, remote administration/detontation, as well as the final test: Assembling an etherkiller while blindfolded in under a minute.
perdida: Secretary of Troll Affairs.
In addition to the above position, perdida is rumored to be the organizer and editor of the K5 Cabal newsletter.
Greener: Infinite Monkey
greener works closely with codemonkey_uk since going undercover in Microsoft's development team. Assuming he can do more than just drool and smack the keyboard now, he should be sending us a message soon.
kwsNI: Keeper of the sacred word "Ni"
When not guarding the secret word, kwsNI and be found in the barracks singing The LumberJack song and 'Sit on my face'. By doing so, he provides cheap entertainment for the K5 army.
Captain_Tenille: Captain of the EtherSeas
We've considered promoting him to Admiral, but his preformance review shows that he has dislike of other captains. Seeing as we did not want to inflate his ego, we denied this raise in ranks. That, and well... we think some inappropriate activities may be going on between him and his First Mate
nospoon: Despoonifier Supreme
ERROR 404: Spoon could not be found.
Rand_Race: Sublime Master of the North(bridge)
By day, he watches a server room, by night, he watches Sci-Fi stuff and does unspeakable things with his better half, Jojo. He's also got a preoccupation with monkeys. As we are not quite sure how this will help the cabal in the long run, a preoccupation with monkeys certainly can't hurt us. For now, he is assisting in trying additional volunteers for the undercover missions pertaining Microsoft's development team.
Justinfinity: Just-No-Title (So for now, we're simply pretending he's a large inflatable sheep.)
Having never actually completed a Cabal application, we haven't quite yet determine Justinfinity's final cabal status.
DJBongHit: Director of Cabal Drug Policy
Armaphine and DJBongHit had a very long conference regarding the Cabal Drug Policy. After explaining that yes, we actually did need a policy, and no, DJBongHit staying stoned was not, in fact, a policy as much as an ongoing effort. Armaphine then proposed that persons caught with drugs be made to give them up for a period of time to clean themselves up. The resulting melee was not pretty due to the rather ugly slap-fighting incident, and shall have every attempt to erase it from memory made. And so, the compromise was met that persons caught using drugs will, in fact, be made to give them up for a prescribed amount of time. Namely, until it comes back around to them.
reshippie: Weird guy with lots of hair
reshippie has dislike for Microsoft, magical powers that result in good Customer Service and therefore, should not be trusted.
FyreFiend: LART Captain, second class
A LART apprentice to the Supreme Dictator Armaphine, Fyrefiend looks up to his superior with both admiration and fear. His expert wielding of various LARTs can only come from a careful combination of insomnia and his focusing of the frustration he expended trying to switch his desktop from Windows to Linux.
leviathan: Master of Editoral Comments and Story Rating explanations
leviathan also serves as undercover link-checker
reel_life: Queen Bitch and Webmistress of the K5 Cabal
Criminal mastermind, and queen bitch of the K5 Cabal, reel_life has served as his second-in-command. In addition to providing the necessary motivation for Armaphine's completion of certain projects, she has performed ther many secret operations for the greater glory of the cabal. Hence, the Sumpreme Dictator has withheld the results of her experimentation with gene-splicing small children and vegetables from the appropriate authorities.
error_404: Missing Person
When not missing in action, error_404 serves as protector of the woodworking tools and sharpener of the sharp, pointy stick. We hope to hear from him soon because the sharp, pointy stick will soon become the dull, rounded stick.
lee_malatesta: Fifth Class Subordinate Janitor
As Fifth Class Subordinate Janitor, lee_malatesta is often found cleaning up our messes. When not cleaning up beer cans and nacho crumbs, he serves as an lead argument destroyer, BBQer of sacred cows and launderer of members flame-retardant suits.
AmberEyes: His Unrealness
Noted for his l33t Unreal level-building skillz. His other position in the cabal is generally linked to wearing sunglasses and a black suit, and vehemently denying the existance of 'the r3volution' in message boards and occassionally in real life, as well as producing propaganda material with the evil henchwoman reel_life.
axxeman: The late-comer
As the last person to apply for the cabal, almost a month and a half later, mind you, axxeman's title of "Sensitive New Age Bastard" was summarily rejected, as there is no fscking way that a true bastard can be sensitive, lest they feel some sort of sympathy and compassion for the lusers which delays the killing stroke to keep the network up and running.
Phoebe: Honorary Cabal Member
Cabal Member by marriage, she is hereby admitted into the cabal, on the provision that at some point, AmberEyes gets some good lovin'. (Hey, if the Supreme Dictator can't get some good lovin', at least someone will get good lovin' out of this...)


Voxel dot net
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Related Links
o Slashdot
o Scoop
o Kuro5hin
o February 6th, 2001
o Armaphine
o Spiralx
o goatse.cx
o Inoshiro
o CodeMonkey _UK
o monkeys
o Shirobara
o sweet and innocent
o evil streak
o Defense
o Merekat
o Slashdot server room
o Signal 11
o iGrrrl
o obfuscated C++
o bio
o One plus one equals three
o Anne Marie science articles
o Tympanic
o Koosh toys
o Nerf guns
o ana
o Phil the Canuck
o bastard
o Great Northen Bounty
o beer stash
o FlightTest
o CaptainZor nChugger
o Slashdot [2]
o Mojo-Whori ng
o finkployd
o whiskey
o Denor
o translated
o jabber
o eight ball
o HypoLuxa
o AdamJ
o Grammer Nazi
o Spendocrat
o old hard drives
o forgey
o perdida
o Greener
o kwsNI
o Captain_Te nille
o nospoon
o Rand_Race
o Sci-Fi
o Justinfini ty
o final cabal status
o DJBongHit
o reshippie
o FyreFiend
o leviathan
o link
o reel_life
o second-in- command
o motivation
o secret operations
o gene-splic ing small children and vegetables
o error_404
o sharp, pointy stick
o lee_malate sta
o AmberEyes
o l33t
o Unreal
o axxeman
o Sensitive New Age Bastard
o Phoebe
o marriage
o good lovin'
o Also by Armaphine

Display: Sort:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Your K5 Cabal! | 110 comments (68 topical, 42 editorial, 0 hidden)
Absoflippinlutely (3.00 / 1) (#3)
by farmgeek on Tue May 01, 2001 at 08:12:09 AM EST


I'm sorry (4.00 / 1) (#14)
by electricbarbarella on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:41:35 AM EST

I'm sorry, sir or madam, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the universe for having criminally bad taste in "humor".

-Andy Martin, Home of the Whopper.
Not everything is quantifiable.
[ Parent ]
I have a question (4.00 / 1) (#6)
by Phil the Canuck on Tue May 01, 2001 at 08:58:41 AM EST

Does the appearance of this article mean that attempts to overthrow Armaphine's malevolent dictatorship will cease? Because I really was going to overthrow him, maybe next week sometime. Please let me know.


I don't think being an idiot comes with a pension plan though. Unless you're management of course. - hulver

But what (4.00 / 1) (#16)
by wiredog on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:52:53 AM EST

Will we throw him over?

The idea of a global village is wrong, it's more like a gazillion pub bars.
[ Parent ]

Maybe (none / 0) (#17)
by Phil the Canuck on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:59:46 AM EST

A stack of old, re-formatted hard drives.


I don't think being an idiot comes with a pension plan though. Unless you're management of course. - hulver
[ Parent ]

well (4.20 / 5) (#7)
by Defect on Tue May 01, 2001 at 09:19:38 AM EST

For those of you who aren't sure what the significance of this is, it means that K5 now has an everpresent, constant scapegoat.

Your story got dumped? Blame it on the cabal.
A lousy story got posted to front page immediately after your story got dumped? Blame it on the cabal.
Someone went through rating all your comments to -600? Blame it on the cabal.
Your children are missing and you find burning crosses on your lawn? Yeah, blame it on the cabal. (but you might as well call the police too)

This is probably the most significant advance in k5 history since sliced something or other. Hurstdog, rusty et al can no longer take the blame for such things as a borked hotlist, or sticky sigs that fuck up (*ahem* *cough* yeah).
defect - jso - joseth || a link
Geez (5.00 / 5) (#18)
by Phil the Canuck on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:04:10 AM EST

you find burning crosses on your lawn?
Aren't we ever going to live that down? I mean, it was just the one time and we were very drunk.


I don't think being an idiot comes with a pension plan though. Unless you're management of course. - hulver
[ Parent ]

Cool. (2.00 / 2) (#25)
by Mr. Piccolo on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:33:10 AM EST

Does that mean we shoould also blame the fact that the submission "queue" is acting like a stack AGAIN on the K5 cabal as well?

Or do we still have to blame rusty and Inoshiro for that?

The BBC would like to apologise for the following comment.

[ Parent ]
Let's see... (none / 0) (#9)
by DoomHaven on Tue May 01, 2001 at 09:52:25 AM EST

<mumbling volume = 50%>Armaphine...Tympanic...HypoLuxa</volume> Excellent: No DoomHaven! I avoided mention this time! I won't be one of a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes*! Thank you!

*yes, it's from _The_Hitch_Hiker's_Guide_To_The_Galaxy_ by Douglas Adams

My bleeding edge comes from cutting myself on Occam's Razor.
Sorry, you took too long. (5.00 / 5) (#13)
by CaptainZornchugger on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:38:31 AM EST

Months ago, when you first came up with this, it seemed like a good idea. But much time has passed, and things have changed. I'm splitting off, Amarphine. I'm forming my own cabal -- the wankers cabal. If we existed, it would be our mission to overthrow you and your cronies, as well as the admins, #kuro5hin, and yes, even the Troll High Council, and replace them with wanking. Yes, wanking. Because I am a wanker, and I'm proud to be a wanker, and it is my strong suspicion that there are many others on Kuro5hin who are wankers just like me. And we don't have time for serious discussion or weighing of viewpoints or searching for spoons, because it takes time away from our favorite activity -- psuedo-intellectual wanking. There's at least me, and alprazolam, and Faulty Dreamer would be, if he hadn't left, and Fluffy Grue doesn't know she is yet, but enani sort of suspects it, and I know regeya's a wanker, as is Bob Abooey, most likely, and there will be more... as soon as the members of this site realize their true nature as wankers, they will all rally behind the power of the wanker cabal. We are all wankers... it's just a matter of time... So find yourself a new HUAC, Amarphine. I'm a wanker now.

Look at that chord structure. There's sadness in that chord structure.
spoons (5.00 / 1) (#33)
by nospoon on Tue May 01, 2001 at 01:37:18 PM EST

Just like the cabal - There is no spoon!

So don't bother looking for one!

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
[ Parent ]
Of course, there's the bastardized version... (5.00 / 2) (#35)
by CaptainZornchugger on Tue May 01, 2001 at 01:59:35 PM EST

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"The Spoon bending effect will be added in post-production using an SGI workstation"

Look at that chord structure. There's sadness in that chord structure.
[ Parent ]
Hey, now (5.00 / 1) (#86)
by fluffy grue on Thu May 03, 2001 at 12:25:08 AM EST

I'm well aware of the fact I'm in the wanker cabal. I just don't like to admit it. And I think enani's too pure to even know what wanking is (though she does seem to know a disturbing amount about Japanese porn).

Oh, and thanks for finally being one of the first people to get my pronouns right, though you still misspelled my name. :)
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

Sorry, (5.00 / 1) (#89)
by CaptainZornchugger on Thu May 03, 2001 at 07:49:25 AM EST

I had no idea you were case sensitive.

Look at that chord structure. There's sadness in that chord structure.
[ Parent ]
I am (5.00 / 1) (#92)
by fluffy grue on Thu May 03, 2001 at 04:42:51 PM EST

I didn't use to be, but for the past, oh, year, I've insisted that strstr() works. :) At least I'm not hostile about pronouns though.
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]
[ Parent ]

Darn missed my chance... (4.00 / 2) (#15)
by MrAcheson on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:52:11 AM EST

Alas, I am to late to become the token christian guy in the cabal that goes nuts...

These opinions do not represent those of the US Army, DoD, or US Government.

But... (none / 0) (#19)
by wiredog on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:04:24 AM EST


The idea of a global village is wrong, it's more like a gazillion pub bars.

Exactly... (4.00 / 2) (#21)
by Armaphine on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:19:37 AM EST

There is no K5 Cabal. Therefore, since there is no k5 cabal, the position must be open, and merely waiting for someone to start it up! Simple as that!

Question authority. Don't ask why, just do it.
[ Parent ]

-1. Because you didn't include (none / 0) (#20)
by greyrat on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:07:59 AM EST

Pissy Lurker Extrordinaire . . .

~ ~ ~
Did I actually read the article? No. No I didn't.
"Watch out for me nobbystyles, Gromit!"

You weren't included... (none / 0) (#23)
by Armaphine on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:25:04 AM EST

...because you didn't apply.

Question authority. Don't ask why, just do it.
[ Parent ]

Haha (none / 0) (#32)
by DJBongHit on Tue May 01, 2001 at 01:13:11 PM EST

...because you didn't apply.

Hey, neither did I! I just kinda assumed the position of Director of Drug Policy with my .sig :)

BTW, +1 FP, this rocks.


GNU GPL: Free as in herpes.

[ Parent ]
So what is our drug policy? (none / 0) (#36)
by Phil the Canuck on Tue May 01, 2001 at 02:34:04 PM EST

I'm guessing it'll be somewhat open.


I don't think being an idiot comes with a pension plan though. Unless you're management of course. - hulver
[ Parent ]

Are you on drugs? (5.00 / 1) (#50)
by kmself on Tue May 01, 2001 at 05:28:28 PM EST

No left turn unstoned.

Karsten M. Self
SCO -- backgrounder on Caldera/SCO vs IBM
Support the EFF!!
There is no K5 cabal.
[ Parent ]

Official policy (5.00 / 1) (#51)
by alprazolam on Tue May 01, 2001 at 05:42:42 PM EST

As set out by Director of Cabal Drug Policy DJBongHit

As long as I'm stoned, we don't have a problem.

We may want to consider setting some legal precedent as to what exactly 'stoned' means.

[ Parent ]

Stupid Monkey, you cannot eat lava! (none / 0) (#105)
by Rand Race on Fri May 04, 2001 at 12:11:25 PM EST

I'll just whip up a high-detecting monkey in the lab and we can use it. It'll hang out on his shoulder and fling feces when he's not stoned enough.

I know, I know; Just what DJ needs, another monkey on his back. (ouch, sorry)

Just wait 'till the cloud of nano-monkeys is ready..... then they'll know... THEY'LL KNOW... that it is I Baron Vladamir Hark.... uh Commander Rand Race who encompesses their doom!

"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because if there be one, He must approve the homage of Reason rather than that of blindfolded Fear." - Thomas Jefferson
[ Parent ]

No drugs please (none / 0) (#63)
by Delirium on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:38:27 PM EST

K5 is a substance-free zone.

[ Parent ]
Minister of Tractor Parts / Minister to Anguilla (none / 0) (#24)
by Komodo321 on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:29:43 AM EST

Dear Sir or Madam, I am applying for the position of K5 Minister of Tractor Parts. I have a bachelors degree in horticulture, and graduate degrees in areas that cannot be mentioned here (but are in your files). As you know, I have experience running a centralized bureacracy, and I know how to give orders and get results. I have skills that the New World Order NEEDS, not to mention a small orchard with citrus, guava and elderberries. Should the Minister of Tractor Parts be filled, I would consider filling the positions of Embassador to Anguilla, as I spent a week there and found it very nice (the people are very friendly). Anguilla's strategic location near the intersection of the Greater and Lesser Antilles presents obvious opportunities for the K5abal.

Sincerely, Dr. Komodo 321

Yes, the 5 in K5abal is silent!

Don't you people REALIZE??? (4.75 / 4) (#28)
by CaptainZornchugger on Tue May 01, 2001 at 11:58:20 AM EST

It's a diversion! Amarphine is inventing this 'joke' cabal in order to call attention away from the real cabal! Those of us who were suckered into joining are now singled out by the real K5 cabal as being possible threats to thier power and are being placed under heavy watched. I think they've tapped the phone in my cubicle, and there's a white van outside my office building. The only way I feel secure to type this post is by using encryption on a internet-capable linux box I built from my toaster!

Don't you see?? THERE IS A K5 CABAL! this JOKE is MEANT to DRAW OUR AttenTion Away from it! You have to watch yourself... I think the Cabal plans to... hey... who are you... no Stay awaY from TheRe... HEY! LET GO OF

Look at that chord structure. There's sadness in that chord structure.
Please ignore the parent. (4.75 / 4) (#29)
by CaptainZornchugger on Tue May 01, 2001 at 12:00:52 PM EST

The parent of this comment was not posted by me. Clearly someone hacked my account. I have since changed my password to something more secure, and you can be assured that it won't happen again. Any admins who are present are requested to delete it. Rusty is a wonderful man. There is no K5 Cabal.

There is no Wanker Cabal
[ Parent ]
Mate in one. (5.00 / 1) (#30)
by slaytanic killer on Tue May 01, 2001 at 12:20:03 PM EST

It has been a long time, Armaphine. Long ago, a certain Dull, RUSTY Blade employed me to flush out those who would besmirch, berate, and befuck the K5C name. There IS NO K5 cabal, and those who pose as its members do so in insult to those who are (not) true members.

After we began our first gambit on Feb. 6, I lay in wait, writing random posts to pass the time and cover my tracks. On Apr. 25, I formulated this post on Streetlawyer's account to probe your defenses. When circumstances led you to generate this boast as trhurler on Apr. 27, I knew you were completely in the hold of my net. Today, your labyrinthine structure of sires and favors lies unravelled.

All that remains now is to circumference your escape to Threshold -1 after you intercepted a certain cabal (non-) member's rash communiqué.

And one last task which begins the epilogue to my weighty obligations. -1, you misspelled "wielder" as "weilder."

Will this story get posted? (5.00 / 6) (#31)
by jabber on Tue May 01, 2001 at 12:23:39 PM EST

/me shakes magic 8 ball:

Ask again later

Dammit! Will I vote it to section?

Outlook not so good

Hey now! I didn't ask anything about Microsoft.
Will I vote it to Front Page?


Ah... That's what I like to see..

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

Subject Withheld (5.00 / 1) (#38)
by Devil Ducky on Tue May 01, 2001 at 02:42:59 PM EST

>Outlook not so good
>Hey now! I didn't ask anything about Microsoft.
>Will I vote it to Front Page?

If you're not asking about Microsoft, why did you ask about Front Page?

What? In a hurry to get beck to the Office? Better throw that 8-Ball out one of your Windows!

Devil Ducky

Immune to the Forces of Duct Tape
Day trading at it's Funnest
[ Parent ]
Oh man! (none / 0) (#67)
by jabber on Wed May 02, 2001 at 12:47:26 AM EST

That was just WRONG!! ;)

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"
[ Parent ]

Bad translation, getting killed? (5.00 / 7) (#34)
by Denor on Tue May 01, 2001 at 01:44:14 PM EST

Just because my final project for Graphics class is entitled "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" (ah, the wonders of working titles that never get replaced with anything better) doesn't mean I'm CATS.

And the getting killed all the time? Please. I mean, yes, theoretically once or twice someone could have possibly started up their console, taken off every 'Zig', and killed me, and it may have happened a hell of a lot more since that AYB stuff got popular again, but I don't get killed all the time.

Furthermore, why is everyone doubting my oratory ability!? I mean, when I tell someone that they're on the path to destruction, what do they do? They launch the zig. They're always launching the zig! For example:

Me: "Someone's at the door!"
Wife: "Launch all zig!"

Me: "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
Waiter: "I'm sorry sir, I will launch all zig immediately."

Me: "Your zig is blocking my car in."
Guy: "I'll go move it."
Me: ...
Guy: ...
Me: "Oh, just go ahead and say it."
Guy: "I'll move the zig... for great justice!"

People just don't realize; when I tell them that they have no chance to survive, goddamit, I mean it! I'm doing a public service here, people can go and make their time and not have to waste the rest of their lives launching zigs willy-nilly.

I feel a lot better having gotten this off my chest. I'm going to go answer the door and then finish this post up.

Well, look - there's a freshly-launched Zig out there! One of you saw me posting, didn't you? And what did you do? You launched the frickin' zig!!! Probably thought I had all your base, didn't you? Even if all your base were belong to me, I'd have sold them to a chop-shop long ago. But no, ever since the game got popular again, people think I have their base, when chances are good all their base are actually belong to under their couch cushions or something. You have no idea how hard it is to deal with having a reputation like this. Heaven forbid I try to take up major-league baseball, they'd constantly accuse me of stealing.

Oh, look, the Zig wants to kill me YET AGAIN.

Well, shit.


Crap the first time - Still crap now (4.16 / 6) (#40)
by farl on Tue May 01, 2001 at 02:59:23 PM EST

This wasn't funny the first time it went thru. It still is not funny now. If i hadn't misclicked it would have gotten the -1 it deserves from me. Instead it only got a 0.

Actually... (5.00 / 1) (#42)
by Captain_Tenille on Tue May 01, 2001 at 03:07:38 PM EST

I like the other Captains just fine, I was just wondering one day why there were so many. As for the First Mate, that is none of you business. :-)

She is lovely, though. I'm off to defend the Etherseas now...
/* You are not expected to understand this. */

Man Vs. Nature: The Road to Victory!

zoned on physics (5.00 / 1) (#43)
by ana on Tue May 01, 2001 at 03:09:55 PM EST

(Personally, I never thought gender played that big of a role in physics. Unless, of course, we're counting aerodynamics or something...)
Of course we're talking about aerodynamics or something... I mean, how you gonna figure out how to inhale my desire without mutter mutter Kolmogoroff spectrum of eddy sizes mutter diffusion coefficient mutter reference A Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown mutter squeeze the million-zone dynamical & diffusion numerical simulation code into an 8M Linux box mutter 42??

Besides, somebody's gotta do all the design work for the K5 Cabal Airforce...


Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

How does one go about joining the K5 Cabal? (3.00 / 1) (#44)
by cable on Tue May 01, 2001 at 03:13:30 PM EST

Do you have to know the "secret word"? Or pass a series of tests? Or know a friend who knows a friend who knows the second cousin of the roommate of the person who knows someone in the K5 Cabal? Or maybe give the secret handshake? Or how about Donating money to Armaphine's Paypal account? :)

I'm just joking about that. Ok?

Only you, can help prevent Neb Rage!

Social groups and such (5.00 / 3) (#47)
by Delirium on Tue May 01, 2001 at 04:40:53 PM EST

(I'm not a sociologist)

It's interesting to see the sorts of people here...many of them are people I've never even seen on k5 before, but who presumably are moderatly active in the diaries. On the other hand, very few of the active-on-the-rest-of-k5 people are included in the list. I guess there's some sort of diary-based clique here...

you got it (none / 0) (#53)
by alprazolam on Tue May 01, 2001 at 05:50:17 PM EST

read all the diaries twice one day (or most of them, at least the ones with comments) theres really two cliques, merged into a cabal. the isles diary writers and the new world diary writers. they are separated by when they post new entries (obviously) but they tend to crossover to post in each others. most of the members of the so called cabal cross post to the other cliques diaries. its almost like incest.

[ Parent ]
Except (3.00 / 2) (#62)
by Miniluv on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:34:38 PM EST

That incest might be remotely forgivable if he/she was particularly appealing.

Applied Solipsism worked for me.
[ Parent ]
late yet again! (none / 0) (#54)
by axxeman on Tue May 01, 2001 at 06:05:00 PM EST

+1FP. The next day. AARRGGHH.

Well, I guess I WAS a bit late...

However, some people seem to think that the only meaning the word "bastard" has is derived from BOFH. In fact, SNAB merely describes my life philosophy. Needless to say, I get laid as much as Armaphine.

All above is editorial.

All above is topical.

--You have square thoughts which resist circles--

Being or not being married isn't going to stop bestiality or incest. --- FlightTest

I'd join the K5 cabal... (3.00 / 2) (#58)
by nurikochan on Tue May 01, 2001 at 09:30:57 PM EST

...except that it sounds like it involves work, and anything that involves work gets a big red X through it in my book. I mean, okay: I join the cabal. But what do I get out of it?

Also, there's the fact that I'm too busy studying for my IBs and constant coding leaving me little free time to take over K5, much less the world...

-1, just because I can (3.00 / 3) (#59)
by mjs on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:15:13 PM EST

Hmph. You call this a cabal? This isn't a cabal, it's a piddly Saturday Night Live parody of a cabal -- and we all know how lame SNL has been for the last decade (at least.) None of you so-called "cabal" have ever rooted one of my servers, kicked my cat, or even kidnapped one of my kids -- just what is this, a cabal of doily-knitters? Not nearly evil enough to get a 0, let alone a +1.


Bah! (4.00 / 1) (#81)
by Phil the Canuck on Wed May 02, 2001 at 08:38:11 AM EST

I kick every cat I see. In time, I'll get to yours.


I don't think being an idiot comes with a pension plan though. Unless you're management of course. - hulver
[ Parent ]

But i thought (4.25 / 4) (#60)
by aphrael on Tue May 01, 2001 at 10:20:35 PM EST

the K5 cabal was the #k5 regulars. :)

AmberEyes (none / 0) (#66)
by Crashnbur on Wed May 02, 2001 at 12:31:07 AM EST

<u>AmberEyes</u>: His Unrealness
I don't know if this is the same "AmberEyes" that I used to chat with on IRC, but if it is, she shouldn't be referred to with "his." :-)


*checks* (5.00 / 1) (#68)
by AmberEyes on Wed May 02, 2001 at 12:55:26 AM EST

No. I assure you I am not female. Heh.

You must have me confused with a member of the human race, sans-penis.

Of course, if I *did* talk with you on irc, I probably would have trolled you and told you I was a chick. I do that to people who assume that I am female, due to my nickname.

But anyway. Keep cool! :)


"But you [AmberEyes] have never admitted defeat your entire life, so why should you start now. It seems the only perfect human being since Jesus Christ himself is in our presence." -my Uncle Dean
[ Parent ]
Probably not (3.00 / 2) (#69)
by delmoi on Wed May 02, 2001 at 12:57:23 AM EST

Yes, Amber Eyes sounds like a girls name, but the k5 user "AmberEyes" Is definetly a guy, from his info: "I'm an 18 year old guy. I make levels for computer games. I don't know Linux, Unix, or anything else. I am a Microsoft Junkie - their stuff works, I use it. And I'm American. And I certainly don't belong to any silly cabal"
"'argumentation' is not a word, idiot." -- thelizman
[ Parent ]
Yeah... (5.00 / 1) (#73)
by AmberEyes on Wed May 02, 2001 at 01:35:14 AM EST

And I certainly don't belong to any silly cabal.
And you just remember that....

A cabal...really. Hah!


"But you [AmberEyes] have never admitted defeat your entire life, so why should you start now. It seems the only perfect human being since Jesus Christ himself is in our presence." -my Uncle Dean
[ Parent ]
Hey, hey, hey... (none / 0) (#74)
by Zeram on Wed May 02, 2001 at 02:36:19 AM EST

As a burgeoning conspiracy theory nut, I'm hurt that I was sunbed... well not really, because now I have something to rail against! WOOHOO!
Like Anime? In the Philly metro area? Welcome to the machine...
Open Letter to "K5 Cabal" (5.00 / 1) (#79)
by Delirium on Wed May 02, 2001 at 06:34:27 AM EST

An open letter to "K5 Cabal":

Word has been received that your organization claims to be the legitimate rulers of kuro5hin, yet there has not been any evidence provided of your ability to lead our people. An analysis by several certified People With No Life has been requested, one of whom comments, "I regularly post an average of no less than 30-50 comments a day, reading voraciously nearly everything on this goddamned time-suck, and yet I have not even heard of nearly half your organization's members." This leads to the suspicion that this may be some sort of hostile takeover attempt. Furthermore, apart from a few token exceptions, there has not been any significant representation from your organization at the k5 command and control center, and there has been absolutely no attempt on your organization's part to coordinate operations with the center. This bolsters lingering suspicions that your organization is in fact not acting in good faith.


If this analysis of your organization's motives is inaccurate, please respond within twenty-four (24) hours with an explanation and a proposal for high-level talks to resolve the matter. If there is no response within that time period, there will be no choice but to classify your organization as a terrorist threat, which will result in instructions to the Kuro5hin Defense Forces for your members to be shot on sight (as well as restrictions on fund-raising and such). I trust we can count on Comandante Rusty of Raised Fist to offer the full support of his paramilitary organization to the KDF, so this is not a threat to be taken lightly.

          In solidarity against tyrrany,

incidentally... (none / 0) (#99)
by goosedaemon on Thu May 03, 2001 at 07:51:28 PM EST

liberty, equality, and fraternity can't coexist in their whole forms. total liberty means sacrificing equality, total equality means sacrificing total liberty.

[ Parent ]
Not only that... (none / 0) (#108)
by cretin on Sun May 06, 2001 at 03:24:19 AM EST

Wasn't "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite!" orignially the slogan of a successful coup?

"Truth in Labelling" - with thanks to Steve B.
[ Parent ]

Damnit!! (5.00 / 1) (#84)
by el_guapo on Wed May 02, 2001 at 05:37:20 PM EST

I thought I was "Chief Crossdresser"!? /me goes off and mumbles in a corner
mas cerveza, por favor mirrors, manifestos, etc.
Justice Is Done (5.00 / 1) (#85)
by AmberEyes on Wed May 02, 2001 at 11:19:32 PM EST

The cabal controls all.


"But you [AmberEyes] have never admitted defeat your entire life, so why should you start now. It seems the only perfect human being since Jesus Christ himself is in our presence." -my Uncle Dean
Where'm I? (none / 0) (#87)
by fluffy grue on Thu May 03, 2001 at 12:30:12 AM EST

How could you forget me, the chief /. deconstructionist and prime shadow?
"Is not a quine" is not a quine.
I have a master's degree in science!

[ Hug Your Trikuare ]

Position Desired (none / 0) (#91)
by JazzManJim on Thu May 03, 2001 at 03:39:14 PM EST

Since I'm a glorified toady for a living, I might as well do so for fun, too. Iffin any of y'all need a lackey, toady, yes-man, hang-on, stalker, or whatever yo9u want to call me, I'm your man.

Especially ana...gotta love the Haiku Goddess. :-)

-Jimmie the Toady-for-Hire
"Hostility toward America is a religious duty, and we hope to be rewarded for it by God...I am confident that Muslims will be able to end the legend of the so-called superpower that is America."
(Osama bin Laden - 10 Jan 1999)
wow... (none / 0) (#93)
by ana on Thu May 03, 2001 at 05:09:17 PM EST

now i'm a goddess! started out as a simple fan club... and now look at what's happened.


Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

[ Parent ]

Hey! (none / 0) (#94)
by AdamJ on Thu May 03, 2001 at 05:26:42 PM EST

You said you wouldn't tell!


I think I need a hug now.

[ Parent ]

i dunno... (none / 0) (#95)
by ana on Thu May 03, 2001 at 05:28:31 PM EST

is this hugslut thing contageous?

Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

[ Parent ]

Yes! (none / 0) (#96)
by AdamJ on Thu May 03, 2001 at 05:41:29 PM EST

And it's good! I was unsure at first too, but now... mmm... hugs!!

[ Parent ]
oh, good. (none / 0) (#97)
by ana on Thu May 03, 2001 at 05:45:31 PM EST

Well, all right then. *hug*

Besides, if I'm the haiku goddess, can I do anything I want? Only in haiku, though, I spoze...


Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

[ Parent ]

Haiku's (none / 0) (#98)
by AdamJ on Thu May 03, 2001 at 06:21:34 PM EST

I'm not sure if I'm in the position where I can tell a goddess what she can do, really.

ruffle hug, squeeze hug
flying pounce huggle, and the
swing you around hug


[ Parent ]

I'm not only the President..I'm also a Client! (none / 0) (#104)
by JazzManJim on Fri May 04, 2001 at 09:08:14 AM EST

Well, considering how I seem to have started the fan club all out in the open and stuff, I'm allowed to name the Object d'Affection a Goddess. :-)

Besides, I don't hear you denying it, eh?

Though what can I say? You're one of only three people I've ever known who can write a haiku on the spot, about anything, and have it sound reasonably good. And you're funny....that makes you Goddess Material.


Leaves fall on water
The trees are bare as this post
I have no sig file.

"Hostility toward America is a religious duty, and we hope to be rewarded for it by God...I am confident that Muslims will be able to end the legend of the so-called superpower that is America."
(Osama bin Laden - 10 Jan 1999)
[ Parent ]
Link checked (none / 0) (#100)
by leviathan on Thu May 03, 2001 at 08:19:40 PM EST

That's the real McCoy. Actually seems a bit slower than usual today, but after a bit of leet network investigation, it seems it's just my ISP being stupid again. No cause for concern here people. Move along.

Oh yeah, and this story would have been much better if it have been all about me.

leviathan voted fnord: resubmit an article about me!

I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife.
- Dogbert

Um. (none / 0) (#107)
by Requiem on Sat May 05, 2001 at 07:42:59 PM EST

Best known for the daredevil stunt of running Linux with only 8MB of RAM...

I run Linux on a box with 4 megs of ram. Does that make me hardcore?

(Watch someone chime in with "I run Linux on a 386 SX with 2 megs of RAM, sucka!")

All I can say is... (none / 0) (#109)
by ana on Sun May 06, 2001 at 03:19:58 PM EST

Wow. 8M seemed like a lot when I bought the machine way back in nineteen aught ninety three (and carried it home 10 miles uphill through the snow, barefoot). Seems like things that used to run just fine want more and more memory, though.


Years go by; will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand?
--Tori Amos

[ Parent ]

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your K5 Cabal! | 110 comments (68 topical, 42 editorial, 0 hidden)
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