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Why theantix rapes, tortures, and murders small woodland animals

By trhurler in Meta
Thu Jan 17, 2002 at 03:23:15 AM EST
Tags: Humour (all tags)

Despite the writings of certain very clever people, it is occasionally necessary to allow a certain latitude in the manner of things you approve of. This clearly was the case with a certain MLP of recent vintage, and unless you feel nothing whatsoever when presented with the spectacle of one of your very own engaged in the act of violently penetrating and thereby torturing and eventually killing such furry little animals as squirrels and chipmunks, you will find that you also must regard it as the case with this fine submission.

The author grants that this submission breaks many of the conventional rules of kuro5hin story writing. It is self referential, for one, and contains editorial commentary on itself. These are normally bad things. However, please read on, because tales of furry carnage will ensue.

This story is obviously well written. It is devoid of spelling mistakes, and while you might disagree with the style, the technical grammar is quite good. But most of all, it contains hard, factual evidence that theantix is a badger rapist and a murderer of many small animals.

When you realize that this is most likely the eigth Humour topic in the Meta section ever, you may wonder what metahumor has to do with theantix and his ferret-fucking ways. All this will be explained in due time, but it will be important to ensure that in this explanation, the important tales of theantix and his habit of shattering the spines of his victims so that they cannot fight back are not forgotten.

Consider that I reject an offer from theantix to bet me ten dollars as to whether this story will make the front page or not in order to preserve my journalistic integrity. I clearly cannot afford to buy your votes with cash, unless you can be had for a penny or so(I'll entertain such offers from gisano, for instance, as long as he doesn't tell anyone else and thereby destroy my integrity,) but surely you would not want anyone to miss out on hearing about theantix taping the eyes of his helpless victims open and breaking their legs lest they scratch at him. Some will say that the inherent in-joke nature of this story makes it appropriate only as a diary entry, but it is my assertion that mole molestation is of general interest, particularly when accompanied by photographs.

Knowing the probably illegal nature of acts involving small woodland animals and various body parts which are not his hands, theantix may try to convince you to vote against this story. To do so would be conspiracy! Do not succumb to the temptation of the beastiality conspiracy. Despite its length and the fact that it covers some rather disturbing ground in exposing theantix and his badger buggery, the author assures you that if you vote +1FP for this story, beers are on him if we ever meet.

The author is not unaware of the fact that this story is not particularly relevant to the usual technology and culture mission of this site. However, he points out that theantix probably has some interesting "cultures" growing somewhere in his colon, considering the vile things he has done with the broken bodies of some of his smaller victims. This story is simply too important to be ignored. Everyone must know, and judge for himself!

Some will say, "take this story to adequacy!" These people are sadly mistaken. This story would never be posted there, because it doesn't contain enough links. Besides, the vitally important news of theantix being a torturer and murderer of our small furry friends would be lost amidst the constant controversy there. Only here can it be heard by all! Kuro5hin need not shy away from controversy!

There will be those among you who will say that this story is nothing but a sick joke perpetrated at the expense of the gullible and foolish. Do not listen to these people; they are trying to exploit your gullibility and foolishness! Would you not see the ten minutes of video in which theantix performs unspeakable acts upon a common garden snake?!

Others will say that this story cheapens kuro5hin, and should be done away with. Under other circumstances, the author would agree, but there are two overriding circumstances. First, the overwhelming horror of the crimes herein revealed. And second, the fact that the author is a flaming moronic goatfucker! Clearly, a flaming moronic goatfucker would never be concerned with the cheapness of anything!

I have promised detailed, factual evidence of theantix and his animal violating ways, and I have delivered upon that promise. I would not wish to alienate anyone by accusations of any manner of hairy dog storytelling or similar shenanigans. Please vote +1FP, because your mom would want you to, and because it is the most patriotic, animal respecting, leftist, libertarian, right wing ideologue, most absolutely spectacular documentation of actual beastiality ever on k5. Do it because you have a sense of humor, or because you want to expose animal cruelty. Do it because rusty and inoshiro haven't yet said not to! Do it because of the beer offer. Do it because there's a prize in every box(theantix guarantees it!) Do it because it is free!


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theantix most pitable victim:
o a badger, anally penetrated after having its neck broken 1%
o a squirrel, pumped so violently that its spine was shattered 7%
o mrgoat, whose wolf costume last Halloween was a horrible example of "wrong place, wrong time" 21%
o a ferret, declawed and with teeth knocked out, shoved into his colon and asphyxiated 4%
o a snake, which he used for purposes which shall not be described in this fine family publication 6%
o his poor mother, who caught him at age ten with one of the family pets 3%
o the decency and innocence of kuro5hin's otherwise normal, drug abusing, casual sex having, goatsex joking masses 30%
o the poor reader who has suffered the imagery of theantix' foulness 25%

Votes: 92
Results | Other Polls

Related Links
o Kuro5hin
o writings
o Also by trhurler

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Why theantix rapes, tortures, and murders small woodland animals | 44 comments (14 topical, 30 editorial, 0 hidden)
Nice try, but (4.00 / 8) (#2)
by ubu on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 03:46:41 PM EST

"Ferret-fucking" doesn't compete with "fuck-gibbing". You're still the worst human being on this site.


As good old software hats say - "You are in very safe hands, if you are using CVS !!!"
Ok you sexy thing you! (4.25 / 8) (#3)
by mrgoat on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 03:49:12 PM EST

Now come back to bed. I've kept it warm for you.

"I'm having sex right now?" - Joh3n
--Top Hat--

Equal Time +1 FP (3.75 / 4) (#5)
by ennui on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 03:52:49 PM EST

Now that Rusty no longer deigns to favor us with editorial services, we must take whatever steps we can to assure that trhurler gets his say on the front page too.

"You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone." -- Al Capone
Lionesses- It's all about Lionesses (1.50 / 4) (#16)
by snowlion on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 05:09:43 PM EST

Badgers and garden snakes are for pussies.

I myself go for the really good meat- go for a savannah Lioness.

Spread her legs just ever so slightly, restrain her body, and get ready behind her...

Oohh... <shudder> rRawr!

(Disclaimer: Pure fantasy. =^_^= I'm 100% for greater freedoms and respect for women, and I'm generally for animal protection. I'm a vegetarian. But I like Lionesses. {;D}=)

Map Your Thoughts
I hope you paid (none / 0) (#42)
by FredBloggs on Thu Jan 17, 2002 at 07:45:44 AM EST

for all those ascii characters at the end of your comment! ;)

[ Parent ]
It would certainly be better with pictures (3.66 / 6) (#21)
by Wing Envy on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 05:57:59 PM EST

So I took the liberty. This is a picture when he was but a wee lad, sent to me by his mother upon my asking. She was distraught by recent developments, and kept saying "I should have known what he would become. It's all my fault!"

His deviant behavior led him to such acts as orgys, manipulation, leading many of his victims down an evil path. His last human relationship faltered when he unwittingly gave this gift to his girlfriend on their anniversary. (She commented that it made her butt look big.)

And yet, you, trhurler, do nothing to stop this. This, too, could be you someday.

You don't get to steal all the deficiency. I want some to.

By the way, I expected more from you (4.66 / 3) (#22)
by Wing Envy on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 06:09:10 PM EST

Humor, to be popular, is never at the expense of those who witness unless you have already proven your humor to exist without. You really should have told your own exploits of goatfucking. I vote you 0.

You don't get to steal all the deficiency. I want some to.
[ Parent ]
Already done (3.00 / 1) (#25)
by trhurler on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 06:18:21 PM EST

My adventures in goatland have already been chronicled on the front page, and besides, I just don't know what my girlfriend would say about that sort of thing if she ever read it:(

'God dammit, your posts make me hard.' --LilDebbie

[ Parent ]
Ah, but they were not told by you (5.00 / 1) (#30)
by Wing Envy on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 06:53:23 PM EST

Is it funnier to say "Look at that guy who tripped and fell on his face" as opposed to "Well, I was walking along, plagued by a headache that refused to go away even after taking 4 aspirin. My vision was quite blurry at this point. Walking in the mall in this state of mind was not helping my quest, I thought. And the burden of my purchases had become too much. I decided I needed to sit down and had been eyeing some benches nearby. The next thing I know I'm lying on my back on the floor, a couple of employee's were standing above me asking "Are you ok?" And I started to wonder if I had passed out from the headache, or from taking too many aspirin. That's when a little boy with his mother passed by and said "You're shoes are untied".

You don't get to steal all the deficiency. I want some to.
[ Parent ]
p.s. "I hate kids" /nt (none / 0) (#31)
by Wing Envy on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 06:57:58 PM EST

You don't get to steal all the deficiency. I want some to.
[ Parent ]
+1, FP (3.00 / 4) (#33)
by Evil_Skippy on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 07:07:21 PM EST

I know that theantix is enjoying this article immensely, so it MUST go to FP. That, and he doesn't have a job for me at his company - not even finding small woodland animals for him to rape - so I must do everything to see that his grisly secret is revealed to the world... and his boss :-P

missed poll option (3.50 / 4) (#34)
by speek on Wed Jan 16, 2002 at 07:39:01 PM EST

The hamster theantix wrapped in duct tape so it wouldn't explode.

al queda is kicking themsleves for not knowing about the levees

I see what's going on here, tr (5.00 / 5) (#43)
by pyramid termite on Thu Jan 17, 2002 at 08:57:01 AM EST

You've been accused of fucking goats, and then you accuse Mr. Antix of molesting much smaller animals than goats.

Basically, what you're really saying here is that yours is bigger than his.
On the Internet, anyone can accuse you of being a dog.
badger buggery (none / 0) (#44)
by wiredog on Thu Jan 17, 2002 at 11:05:59 AM EST

What's wrong with that?

Peoples Front To Reunite Gondwanaland: "Stop the Laurasian Separatist Movement!"
Why theantix rapes, tortures, and murders small woodland animals | 44 comments (14 topical, 30 editorial, 0 hidden)
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