This idea is interesting and has possibilities. But if you paid people to contribute would they make worthwhile contributions or would they just make up any old rubbish in order to get some cash? Instead of using money a system of rewards and punishments should be used which could be dispensed according to the perceived quality of the contributions received. Ten honest Kuro5hinites would have to be chosen to judge the work of the paid lackeys/whores. If they found the work to be good, they would reward the lackeys with cream cakes and other treats, or perhaps by rubbing cream on them. If the whores did not come up with the goods they would be tied up in fetish gear and whipped. One drawback with this plan is that fetishists may game the system in order to receive some kind of twisted sexual satisfaction. But there is nothing which can be done about this, unfortunately, it is just a risk which Kuro5hin will have to take.
Disguise As Another Site
This plan also has many benefits. By disguising itself as another site, such as the MSN website or a high-traffic porn site, Kuro5hin would draw in numerous users who would otherwise probably not ever have visited, and will garner contributions from a much wider range of people. Instead of just self-confessed geeks contributing we will have wonderful and enlightening contributions from truck drivers, soccer moms, gay activists, President Clinton, undersea explorers, and surfer dudes, not to mention from professional choreographers and cooks. Each week Kuro5hin's disguise could be changed and a different domain hijacked in order to draw in the most diverse range of people possible. The only sites which should not be impersonated are Slashdot and Hulver's site, and Kuro5hin itself.
This idea may draw the most criticism since normally website administrators do not like robots contributing garbage to their sites. In Kuro5hin's case, however, such a move may be a step up from the current level of discourse. Also even a bot posting to a diary where someone has stated that they intend to kill themselves and is desperate for some kind of response may save a life, and any reduction in the current shockingly high suicide rate amongst users certainly outweighs the minor irritation which would be caused by having garbage posted indiscriminately across the site. Heaven knows, far too many Kuro5hinites have killed themselves recently and it is affecting stock prices. Valuable regular contributors Jack Wagner and Charles F Wilson both offed themselves last week in a pact which involved them tying themselves together and jumping into a shark-infested swimming pool while kissing passionately, and this was by no means the first suicide pact amongst Kuro5hin users. Suicidal ideation and NIWS caused an international furore in 2002 when they blew themselves up at an emergency session of the UN Security Council.
Make Kuro5hin Ultra-Hip
Kuro5hin is already pretty hip, despite the occasional posts from people who think it is OK to be a geek. The colour scheme is reasonable, and there have been a few cool stories posted during the site's lifetime, in addition to the rather uncool ones. We can't just get rid of the geeks, though, despite them liking exceedingly lame things like fantasy role-playing and contributing to community websites. After all, did not Jesus say "live and let live"? But it may still be possible for Kuro5hin to move from being hip to being ultra-hip. It will, however, require a concerted effort on behalf of everyone here.
If every K5 user learned just one piece of current street slang and used it regularly, the hipness of the site in general could be increased by as much as 15%. It is suggested that the term "dawg" be used more often, as well as the phrases "chill, fool", "word up" and "quit jivin' me, turkey". In addition any users with beards or moustaches should immediately remove them (except those with goatees), and all users should stop liking heavy metal. Each user should also employ a personal stylist and move to either New York, Los Angeles or a trendy European city. As a result of these simple measures we would see an influx of beautiful female scientists, jazz vocalists, and racing drivers.
This is probably the most difficult and the least rewarding of the options. For a start nobody has yet managed to change the rate at which time passes, although people have been trying throughout history.
While it may be possible through the use of mind-expanding drugs to change the perceived rate of the passage of time, ordinarily drug users experience time slowing down, which would make the site even more boring. If a drug could be devised which would make time seem to pass faster, then we may have found the ideal solution to Kuro5hin's problems. Another solution would be for K5 users to take high doses of sedatives so that they slept for the majority of the time and were only fully awake for one hour per week. This would match the rate at which K5 is updated, leading to increased user satisfaction. The drawback would be that users would be completely useless in any other respect due to their excessive sleepiness, and would not be able to ride motorcycles.
Promote in Institutions
This is easily the most workable solution of those I have suggested, and I personally cannot see any drawbacks to the plan. It might require the installation of special kiosks in these institutions to allow the inmates access to the site, but once this was done the level of informed debate would skyrocket.
These suggestions are just a start. It is up to us as a community to make this site popular once again. Are you ready, Kuro5hin? Go!