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Sun Tzu for the new millenium: How-to E-Maul localroger

By lonelyhobo in Meta
Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 02:19:04 AM EST
Tags: year of the hobo, semicolons;, localroger bloviates (all tags)

I'm going to present to you tips, tricks, and techniques for e-mauling localroger.  In theory many of these will work well against anyone, but I am writing this diary in the hopes that this will help give people that push to let localroger know he's a slimy douchebag, or if they're already doing that to help them spruce up their game.

Inside: I show you the innards of my cold, cruel, black heart.


1. Style.

The most important thing is to choose a style that you're comfortable using.  Mine involves a lot of profanity and run-on sentences.  The second most important thing is to be concise, clear, and definitive.  Localroger will use any lapse in clarity to weasel his way into a different argument (one that he could possibly win), so it's important to get it right the first time so you don't have to spend three frustrated comments trying to lead him by the nose to the point.

To this end, use definitive wording, and repetition.  And do your best to identify typos and grammatical errors beforehand or else you'll get worthlessly smarmy little quips about it.

2. Always follow-up.

Localroger loves to skip points he can't find a suitable retort for.  Don't let these purposeful omissions become a missed opportunity to slap that fathead right in the face with them.

3. Read between the lines.

Localroger will sometimes carefully choose his language, trying to purposefully avoid a weakness to his argument he knows about.  Read for him using indefinite language, as when he knows absolutely nothing about a subject he generally speaks as a definitive authority.  Let's look at that again: when he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's absolute; when he does so he can see the flaws in what he's saying, he wavers.  What a beautiful gem of a guy.

4. Read behind the lines.

This doesn't really apply to everyone, but if you're a complete shithead like me and you've turned the "Personal Attack" knob to 11, here's a tip.  Localroger always talks about how what people do on the internet is some reflection of deeper psychological issues.  I think that's because that's what HE's doing and he likes to apply his methods and motivations to everyone else.  Read behind the text to figure out what motivation writing that stuff is satisfying (hint, it's usually to boost his ego).  Then take that away.

5. Remember EVERYTHING.

Obviously this isn't something for everyone, but I'm cursed with a really good memory and it helps.  If you're attacking localroger's argument or localroger himself it's generally a great tactic to use his own words against him. His behavior has shown he's obviously ashamed enough of getting it wrong that he'll erect huuuge fences of dissonance to compensate.  But beyond that it's good to know localroger's habit.  Knowing how he's going to respond before he responds lets you control the way the argument is going.  Localroger's methods are nothing if not predictable.  He's used the same few arguments against me for months and generally it's easy to push him into one of those.

6. Know the man.

Once again, if you're a douche like me and your goal is just to attack the person, it's important to know where localroger comes from.  Knowing that he's the epitome of underachiever gives me access to all sorts of avenues of attack: make him look insignificant, make him look like a failure, make him look like a fool.  When you don't know something, just make an educated guess.  Self-righteous roger will be quick to come in and correct you, thereby revealing more about himself for you to use.  In the past two days I've learned all sort of information about his job by just making it up on the spot and having him correct it.  And because of that, nearly all of K5 has learned that Roger's bosses are manipulating him through his ego into being overworked and underpaid, and they have him grateful for it.  You add to this his epic story about having to go to mexico because his dental insurance sucks hideous balls and you have even more.

When you're arguing on the internet with a self-absorbed prick the war of information ALWAYS leans in your favor.  It is your single greatest asset.  

7. Check the facts.

Like I said before, LR loves to speak definitively about things he knows nothing about.  The greatest thing to shove in his face after his own words are the words of a definitive source.  When you do this, he'll go into a spiral of excuses and deflections.  This is a huge weakness and the prime time to press your point.

8. Know when to quit.

I know this is rich coming from me, since I never know when to quit, but you should take a lesson from that.  A 2000 pixel wide thread works in noone's favor.

9. Use hubris to your advantage.

It's ok to show a little weakness up front to draw him out.  When you combine a weak/empty argument with pointlessly inflammatory language, it's more likely your opponent will become filled with righteousness and overreach.  With localroger this is practically guaranteed, as it appeals to his desire to prove that he's better than everyone else.

10. Always maintain your credibility.

This is another one of those that's rich coming from me.  But another that you should learn from my mistake. Constantly being relentless, and vicious will lose you your credibility.  You have to choose your battles and change up your MO or people will in general just start ignoring you.  However, localroger will never start ignoring you, because he's pathologically driven to try to be smarter than you.  It's very easy to continue digging because that insufferable ham will always try to have the last word.

--
I hope this guide has helped you become a better asshole on the internet.  If it hasn't, I hope it has helped you realize what a sad, sad man I am.

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Sun Tzu for the new millenium: How-to E-Maul localroger | 44 comments (34 topical, 10 editorial, 0 hidden)
Excellent (1.25 / 4) (#4)
by localroger on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 01:55:00 PM EST

Here's the relevant bit:

In the past two days I've learned all sort of information about his job by just making it up on the spot and having him correct it. And because of that, nearly all of K5 has learned that Roger's bosses are manipulating him through his ego into being overworked and underpaid, and they have him grateful for it.

Now that you've admitted you are a serial liar and that nothing you ever say should be trusted, all I ever have to do in reply to you is to link back to this.

Too bad about #10.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity

Ahh, this is great. An example for illustration. (2.77 / 9) (#5)
by lonelyhobo on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 02:32:25 PM EST

Friends, notice how he omitted the critically relevant bit right before explaining that you make a best guess and have him correct it.

Also notice how he tries to soothe his ego by claiming victory.  Notice that he must have meticulously read the entire article trying to cherrypick something to make himself feel better.

So what's the best course of action here?  Since he's worked so hard to sound dismissive it is very important to notice that and use it to your advantage.  It's important here to be relevant and truthful.  It's also obvious that he's trying to set up a childish tactic to use to avoid direct confrontation. So it's important to point out that you know that's what he's doing so he'll feel compelled to rebel against what you've said.

Look, you ignorant fucking douche.  The two sentences right before that completely explain that I'm not lying.  I'm pointing out how if you make a best guess that you're guaranteed to fill in the details because you're such a self-absorbed douchebag.  And then I provide an example where you do exactly that.

Do you really using a fucking lame idea as linking back to an article where you're both declared and proven a completely predictable douche is going to make you look good?  I absolutely invite you to link to an essay describing your shortcomings and failures as a person every time someone calls you a failure.  You're a complete fucking moron.

Now what do we expect in reply from something like this?  Roger will immediately ignore everything I said here and harp on the words "making it up" to try to somehow illustrate that I'm a liar.  You see his little quip about #10's "don't get discredited" above?  His strategy is to actually use advice I lay out against me.  This is more about his opinion of me though.  He's trying to convince himself that no concern or thought should be given to what I've said here.  It's kind of neat.  He's rolling up a defense mechanism and attack all into one.

[ Parent ]

Well you're right about one thing (1.50 / 2) (#6)
by localroger on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 03:23:54 PM EST

I'm going to ignore everything you've said here. Which now that you've deconstructed yourself so thoughtfully, is obviously the only appropriate response.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]
No way! I called that. (none / 0) (#23)
by rpresser on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 04:19:30 PM EST

I absolutely invite you to link to an essay describing your shortcomings and failures as a person every time someone calls you a failure.

As is well known, this is my tactic for defusing attackers. I'm thinking of getting a patent.

------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]

It's too late (1.50 / 2) (#25)
by localroger on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 07:43:20 PM EST

There is prior art.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]
Out of interest... (none / 0) (#40)
by squigly on Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 01:22:44 PM EST

Do you already know that you're a slimy douchebag?  

If so it will save us all a lot of effort.  


[ Parent ]

Who the fuck? (none / 1) (#10)
by Harry B Otch on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 06:10:09 PM EST

Why is this localroger such an enemy of the state?  What's the witch-hunt all about here?

Unless this is some kind of an inside joke meta-trollery, one that only those whose SAT math scores are higher than their credit ratings can comprehend, I say that k5 should expend its energy on targeting the real enemy in our midst:  tax-and-spend liberals.

-----
I used to have a Hitler moustache, only mine was brown, not black like his. - Michae

ITYM (none / 1) (#11)
by Nimey on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 07:56:18 PM EST

borrow-and-spend conservatives. HTH.
--
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

[ Parent ]
WIGWSTITYMBTB* (none / 1) (#12)
by Harry B Otch on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 08:26:58 PM EST

conservatives who actually "spend" any money, rather than transfer the wealth to GOP cronies and private oil fiefdoms.

*[Well, it goes without saying that I think you must be talkin 'bout]

-----
I used to have a Hitler moustache, only mine was brown, not black like his. - Michae
[
Parent ]

GHEYSECKS LIBERAL CIRCLEJERK IN PROGRESS $ (none / 1) (#17)
by debillitatus on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 10:15:58 PM EST


Damn you and your daily doubles, you brigand!
[ Parent ]

bi-partisan extremist circlejerk complete $ (none / 0) (#43)
by localman on Thu Sep 18, 2008 at 12:01:43 AM EST



[ Parent ]
Lolz (none / 0) (#42)
by werner on Sat Sep 13, 2008 at 07:33:55 PM EST

That'd be the reason why Clinton (and other Democrat presidents) have had a trade surplus, while the GOP mob run the country into the ground financially?

Liberals are great. They stop opinionated bastards imposing their bullshit on other people.

[ Parent ]

NEWSFLASH! (1.75 / 4) (#14)
by Uncle Remus on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 09:14:44 PM EST

Stalker Discovers Internet

kuro5hin.org-In an amazing feat of total self-absorption, lack of relevance and EIGHT years plus AFTER the beginning of the new millennium loserhobo [aka: lonelyhobo] discovers 'e-stalking' while attempting to 'e-maul' [a term he believes to be clever, humorous and for the lulz] various online users.

Recent diaries and comments by loser... er lonelyhobo indicate this total gay obsession with localroger and MichaelCrawford.

How-to: E-Maul localroger - 'In yet another "gay for localroger" diary I'm going to present to you tips, tricks, and techniques for emauling localroger.'

It appears that the next victim will require loser...er lonelyhobo getting checked in to whatever psychiatric institution MC is in and stalking him as well. Only time will tell. For loser...er lonelyhobo this should be easy.

According to the following report:


The fact that cyberstalking does not involve physical contact may create the misperception that it is more benign than physical stalking. This is not necessarily true. As the Internet becomes an ever more integral part of our personal and professional lives, stalkers can take advantage of the ease of communications as well as increased access to personal information. In addition, the ease of use and non-confrontational, impersonal, and sometimes anonymous nature of Internet communications may remove disincentives to cyberstalking. Put another way, whereas a potential stalker may be unwilling or unable to confront a victim in person or on the telephone, he or she may have little hesitation sending harassing or threatening electronic communications to a victim. Finally, as with physical stalking, online harassment and threats may be a prelude to more serious behavior, including physical violence.

Judging by the content of the current queue it is likely NIWS but then who cares about that.


well that was pointlessly inflammatory (2.25 / 4) (#15)
by lonelyhobo on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 09:32:30 PM EST

I like it.

However, your article states that in general the minimum standard for online stalking would be an implied or actual threat.  Your post certainly reads like that more than mine.

By whatever it seems your standards are, the entire audiences of dailykos, reddit, and any other crap political blog are cyberstalking because they're saying mean things about someone else (ooh ooh and even famous and popular someone elses that are protected by the secret service).

You're an idiot.

[ Parent ]

Didn't you get the memo? (1.00 / 3) (#16)
by localroger on Sun Sep 07, 2008 at 09:35:41 PM EST

According to loserlonelyhobo, it doesn't matter if it's on the internet. So he has declared and so it shall evermore be, amen.

I am pretty sure the hobo isn't NIWS.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]

Does anyone have any popcorn? (3.00 / 6) (#18)
by Sgt York on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 10:39:34 AM EST

Obsession is an ugly entertaining thing.

I am truly fascinated by this whole LR/LH/debillitatus/etc thing. The psychology of it, from all sides, is intriguing. I know that a large part of it is just fucking with people, but it just doesn't explain the whole exchange.

I'm not a big fan of any of the people involved; LR's nonfiction is a bit longwinded for my taste, and the singlemindedness for his detractors is a little pathetic (though they do make up for it by acknowledging it).

But when they get together, it's like some kind of shit to gold synergy thing. It's like a guilt-free cripplefight (and yeah, I know that's redundant for most of you sick fuckers).

There is a reason for everything. Sometimes, that reason just sucks.

It's like the Jerry Springer Show (3.00 / 4) (#32)
by Harry B Otch on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 02:02:49 PM EST

if all the participants' IQs were doubled.

-----
I used to have a Hitler moustache, only mine was brown, not black like his. - Michae
[
Parent ]

Lonelyhobo would not appear on Jerry Springer (none / 0) (#33)
by localroger on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 03:53:22 PM EST

As he has frequently explained, he does not let anything that happens online interfere with his real life because "nothing here matters." On Springer, there would be an actual chance that someone would throw a chair at him.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]
+1 FP, will contribute to death of k5 (2.75 / 4) (#19)
by GrubbyBeardedHermit on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 12:26:21 PM EST


GBH

You're just a script, aren't you? \\ (none / 1) (#22)
by rpresser on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 04:14:41 PM EST


------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty
[ Parent ]
+1 FP, will contribute to death of k5 (3.00 / 10) (#29)
by GrubbyBeardedHermit on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 02:47:08 AM EST


GBH
[ Parent ]

Your vote (-1) was recorded. (2.00 / 6) (#20)
by gr3y on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 12:56:47 PM EST

This story currently has a total score of 4.

You assert localroger is in some way relevant to anyone but yourself and the other local stalkers and miscreants, and you obviously have too much free time on your hands.

I am a disruptive technology.

rusty voted this article up (2.50 / 6) (#24)
by Kingmaker on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 04:39:13 PM EST

the experiment has failed. monacles for everybody!

I voted it up too. (1.25 / 4) (#26)
by localroger on Mon Sep 08, 2008 at 09:04:47 PM EST

What does that say about the experiment?

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]
says ur a fagit (3.00 / 10) (#28)
by Jobst of Moravia on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 01:10:28 AM EST


---
              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

[ Parent ]

OOOH OOOH (2.00 / 2) (#34)
by localroger on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 06:47:50 PM EST

SAY WHAT? Oh, this is K5 and you're Jobst, never mind.

And that is what is so great about the internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle jerk of pomposity
[ Parent ]
im unsure why you posted that comment (3.00 / 6) (#36)
by Jobst of Moravia on Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 12:59:54 AM EST

gonna reply anyway lol

---
              __
   .,-;-;-,. /'_\ ---Did this Negro say "Street Moor"?
 _/_/_/_|_\_\) /
'-<_><_><_><_>=\
 `/_/====/_/-'\_\
  ""     ""    ""

[ Parent ]

Me Three. (1.50 / 2) (#31)
by MichaelCrawford on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 04:57:05 AM EST

No doubt having the author of The Art of War given in the links that will be syndicated to hundreds of other sites - but only if this makes front page - will bring many ambitious businesspeople to our community.

(Section stories are available for syndication too, but only a few sites choose to list them.)


--

Live your fucking life. Sue someone on the Internet. Write a fucking music player. Like the great man Michael David Crawford has shown us all: Hard work, a strong will to stalk, and a few fries short of a happy meal goes a long way. -- bride of spidy


[ Parent ]

he is after the lucrative (none / 1) (#30)
by TDS on Tue Sep 09, 2008 at 04:21:54 AM EST

"tools for splitting wood in advance of taking it away for drying or burning" Adsense market.

And when we die, we will die with our hands unbound. This is why we fight.
[ Parent ]
the inbreeding at (2.60 / 5) (#37)
by yellow shark on Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 02:32:15 AM EST

k5 is beginning to get out of hand.

That's what happens (3.00 / 5) (#39)
by datagrim on Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 09:30:49 AM EST

That's what happens when you close off a community.  They inbreed in their isolation.

[ Parent ]
Haha: Section (2.75 / 4) (#38)
by QuantumFoam on Wed Sep 10, 2008 at 04:23:23 AM EST

Sorry I couldn't be there to vote against it, you stupid whore.

- Barack Obama: Because it will work this time. Honest!

This is lame.$ (none / 1) (#41)
by V on Fri Sep 12, 2008 at 09:08:25 AM EST


---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
makes Slasdot look good (none / 0) (#44)
by dhuff on Thu Sep 25, 2008 at 05:08:51 PM EST

Geez, and I thought the "adults* who live in their parent's basement" types at Slashdot were annoying.

Turn off the damn computer for awhile. Go outside. Find some friends (real, live, in-person human friends). Get a job. Be interesting. Maybe even, you know...talk to a girl.

You know, be a decent human being. Like that localroger guy ;)

* defined loosely, of course

Sun Tzu for the new millenium: How-to E-Maul localroger | 44 comments (34 topical, 10 editorial, 0 hidden)
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