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4A 01-23-2012 LETTER Letter F/defendant To Court

By balsamic vinigga in Meta
Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:21:09 PM EST
Tags: Rusty is a Filthy Sodomote!, Jonathan Swift Sticks it to the Man, Meth Labs, Caltech, Anger, Prison, Transcription (all tags)

Michael David Crawford CFN: 205307
Clark County Jail
PO Box 1147
Vancouver, WA 98666-1147
law@softwareproblem.net (###) ###-#### Mobile

After My Release:
PO Box 6888
Portland, OR 97228

January 18, 2012

Your Honor,

Before you proceed with this letter please read the following quite short essay on my company's website: "Every Engineer's Solemn Duty" http://www.dulcineatech.com/ethics/whistle-blower.html.

That page is not yet linked from the rest of my website so you'll need to enter the complete URL.

Because an aerospace engineer by the name of Roger Boisjoly failed to fulfill his solemn duty by bringing to NASA Mission Control's attention that Cape Canaveral's temperature had fallen well below the rated specification of the O-Rings that sealed the gaps between the sections of the Challenger's solid rocket boosters, seven incredibly brave and completely innocent astronauts were killed in the most horrifyingly gruesome way - they are thought to have been still fully conscious when they struck the ocean - and America lost one-fifth of her shuttle fleet at a cost to the taxpayer of several billion dollars.


Now click on my company logo to visit my web site's home page, you don't need to read the whole thing, just look over the first few paragraphs at the top and the long paragraph about Princess Dulcinea at the very bottom.

You will see that my entire website's theme is drawn from the book "Don Quixote" by Miguel Cervantes. Don Quixote is known as the man who "tilted at windmills" because he hallucinated that a grain grinding windmill was an evil giant and so tilted at it, that is, attacked it with his jousting lance.

I share with Don Quixote not just one but several quite severe mental illnesses: Bipolar-type Schizoaffective Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS).

All of us with OCPD tend to be heavily into technical things - I myself am an Optician, a Physicist and a software engineer. We are all incredibly dedicated and hard workers. We have an uncommonly focussed attention to detail but unfortunately we are all renowned for our notoriously inflexible self-righteous anger.

If you Google for "Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder" you should turn up on the first page of search matches an article by a psychotherapist who treats patients with OCD & OCPD.

My OCPD was first explained to me by my own Psychotherapist Pamela Kangas of Santa Cruz, California as "Obsessive Compulsive Style" as it was first named by New School of Social Research Psychologist David Shapiro in his 1965 text "Neurotic Styles." You'll find it at Powells, http://www.amazon.com as well as Google Books at http://books.google.com.

The one OCPD trait that Shapiro missed was our notorious anger.

When I stumbled across that other psychologist's discussion of OCPD anger on Google, his words struck home with powerful force. Throughout my entire life i have lost so much so many times because my anger - while always completely appropriate - was rarely applied judiciously.

I was completely overcome with grief for several weeks, not just for all I had lost, but for all that I knew I would lose were I unable to find some way to apply my anger towards some positive socially productive and morally righteous purpose.

Eventually I Found the solution I so desperately sought. I call it:

THE SPECIAL TREATMENT

Edward Bulwer-Lytton expressed what I call The Special Treatment as:

"The Pen is Mightier than the Sword."

Now have a look at my other site "Solving the Software Problem" at http://www.softwareproblem.net.

You will see that little of the site is at all technical, but that i refer not to the software that runs on computers made of silicon chips but of meat; the human brain. The software is of course the human mind.

Read just the top of that page through to the end of The Computer Software Problem. Examples of the computer software problem are the incredibly lackadaisical devil-may-care attitudes and bumbling ineptitude exhibited by the Pasadena, CA Police Department when a known criminal made a blatantly false statement to a PPD officer, when the Portland Federal Bureau of Investigations responded to my detailed written narrative entitled "The California Institute of Technology Recreational Pharmaceutical and High-Explosive Laboratory" which described the synthesis of growth as, well as the wildly enthusiastic consumption of damn near every illegal drug that has ever walked the earth, the cover-up by the Institute of three chemistry students being caught making large quantities of high-explosive detonator Hexamethylene Triperoxide Diamine (HMTD) and what's more, giving them their chemical precursors back, as well as a faculty sponsor, laboratory space and funding with their published determination of its chemical structure resulting in HMTD later becoming the very most popular muslim suicide bomber detonator the FBI just said, "I don't see how this is a Federal Matter," a Clark County Sheriff's Deputy just said, "I'm sorry sir, there's only so much we can do" and the Campbell, California F.B.I. didn't just ask me to leave when I requested they set me up with a Federal Grand Jury, they hurled me from their office with great force.

While I'm no good with names I never forget a face and so would be most happy to put a whole bunch of the very worst felons behind bars for a long time if I could look through some Caltech year books from the time I was there.

I propose that all forms of the Software Problem are caused by one or more of The Seven Deadly Sins as enumerated by the Medieval catholic Theologians: Pride, Anger, Greed, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony and Envy, to which I would add Cowardice and Shame.

I'm no better than anyone else; I obviously suffer the sin of anger, as well as the worst of them all, being pride. and a few years ago finally overcame the sin of cowardice.

Here is why I said to the 911 dispatcher on New Year's Eve - note that this letter is signed with my own hand, "If Corporal Zimmerman darkens my doorstep ever again, I will beat him to death with my bare hands."

I only said that for rhetorical effect. I'd be happy to buy him a beer or coffee were we to meet in person. My hope was only to convince the 911 dispatcher to have Zimmerman's far-more diligent colleague UPD Officer Tim Thomson ring me back, which he actually did.

I don't frankly care if I am sentenced to death in the Iron Maiden for having made that threat if by doing so I can bring to justice some Crystal Methamphetamine Dealers & Cooks who were at the time responsible for most of the Meth on the West Coast of the United States.

They operated a machine shop as well while fully-automatic machine guns are illegal, should one used for murder ever be found, it is completely untraceable if it is homemade.

For many years I have been overcome with horror and the worst kind of inconsolable grief because I failed to fulfill my own solemn duty, not as an engineer, but as a compassionate human being:

One day The Kingpin had all of his people down to the basement of their countryside hideout. One of their colleagues was placed against the wall. After explaining that this same fate would await anyone who failed to keep their secret, The Kingpin opened fire on that informant with one of those homemade machine guns. Your Honor, is there some way you could set me up with a detective and an audio recorder?

Your Humble Servant,

Michael David Crawford
a.k.a. "Jonathan Swift"

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Related Links
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o Also by balsamic vinigga


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4A 01-23-2012 LETTER Letter F/defendant To Court | 41 comments (38 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
MTV, +1FP (3.00 / 6) (#1)
by Corey Haim on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 01:21:03 PM EST

For once, this is a wall of text that needs to go front page.

The shit about the gangland execution: hallucination? Witnessed by MDC? Or perhaps a rumour he heard?

dat shit is bananas

or: (3.00 / 3) (#3)
by Corey Haim on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 01:27:52 PM EST

some shit that was made up because the FBI don't care that a few college kids took some drugs and messed around with some homemade explosives back in the 70s?

[ Parent ]
He can't let go (3.00 / 4) (#8)
by Del Griffith on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 02:05:46 PM EST

he's still tortured by his past, while destroying his future, and living in his shit present.

He's got some weird scrooge thing going on.

-------
I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. - Me


[ Parent ]

but if that did actually happen, (none / 1) (#10)
by Corey Haim on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 02:19:11 PM EST

some of the core assumptions of the whole field of Crawfordology will have to be re-thought

it may even be the Final Secret

what exactly was Crawford's involvement with this whole setup? he's mentioned experimenting with "dessert topping" before. did he witness this shooting? in which case why was he there? did he merely hear about it, in which case it may not have ever happened? is it a complete fiction, either sincerely held because he's nuts, or because he's flat-out making it up to suit some personal end?

[ Parent ]

The real secret is that MDC was (3.00 / 6) (#14)
by modus on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:43:35 PM EST

THE KINGPIN.

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH.

[ Parent ]

It really is impossible to say. (3.00 / 2) (#27)
by Del Griffith on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:20:00 PM EST

like a child he is the perfect 'witness' as nobody will believe him, and he is easily dismissed...  And he's know for his fits of fantasy.

His addiction to speed has really destroyed him.

Another life ruined by the big pharma drug ring.

If anyone told you there was a 'chemical imbalance' but the last thing they'd do is actually measure it... well.. what the hell kind of science is that?  Especially when it comes to chemical machines.

And that is the software problem in a nutshell.

-------
I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. - Me


[ Parent ]

+1FP when this goes to vote. $ (3.00 / 2) (#2)
by modus on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 01:26:53 PM EST



damn you beat me to it (3.00 / 2) (#4)
by king of fools on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 01:39:03 PM EST


----------------

fade out again

-1 VTD in Crawford's honor (3.00 / 3) (#9)
by Nimey on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 02:12:17 PM EST

it's what he would have wanted.
--
Never mind, it was just the dog cumming -- jandev
You Sir, are an Ignorant Motherfucker. -- Crawford
I am arguably too manic to do that. -- Crawford
I already fuck my mother -- trane
Nimey is right -- Blastard
i am in complete agreement with Nimey -- i am a pretty big deal

there is a 231 word sentence in there. (3.00 / 8) (#11)
by nateo on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 02:27:13 PM EST

shit just got REAL

--
"I'm so gonna travel the world, photographing my dick at every location."
  - Vampire Zombie Abu Musab al Zarqawi
This gotta be fake.$ (none / 0) (#12)
by V on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:07:51 PM EST


---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
Real or fake, a work of true passion. /nt (3.00 / 3) (#13)
by claes on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:41:00 PM EST



[ Parent ]
did you see the hand-written original? (3.00 / 3) (#15)
by king of fools on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:54:00 PM EST

it sure looks like it was written by a crazy person. Somehow I don't think NIWS or anyone else would go to the trouble of faking something like that.

----------------

fade out again

[ Parent ]
Yeah, I saw it. (none / 0) (#17)
by V on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:57:53 PM EST

I can't believe the stupidity.
---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
[ Parent ]
it's not stupidity, it's insanity # (none / 0) (#18)
by king of fools on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 04:07:40 PM EST


----------------

fade out again

[ Parent ]
notice that Michael has faded (none / 0) (#34)
by Del Griffith on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 10:07:59 PM EST

into blob, he is more David now..

-------
I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. - Me


[ Parent ]

mossad or tetsuo?? (none / 0) (#16)
by Corey Haim on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 03:55:42 PM EST



[ Parent ]
signature comparison - free CD vs the document (3.00 / 9) (#24)
by horseskin spacesuit on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:50:51 PM EST

http://i.imgur.com/Pbjvb.jpg




This is quite literally the only computer I'm capable of not being offended by. ~ balsamic vinigga
[ Parent ]
Fuck (none / 0) (#32)
by V on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 08:14:13 PM EST

MDC really is fucking insane.
---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
[ Parent ]
I was hoping against hope.$ (none / 0) (#33)
by V on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 08:17:51 PM EST


---
What my fans are saying:
"That, and the fact that V is a total, utter scumbag." VZAMaZ.
"well look up little troll" cts.
"I think you're a worthless little cuntmonkey but you made me lol, so I sigged you." re
"goodness gracious you're an idiot" mariahkillschickens
[ Parent ]
lol (3.00 / 6) (#19)
by osm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:20:08 PM EST

looks like crawford is finally going to make fp.

--------
4thelulz.org

Would be nice if I could post it with the ZJC (3.00 / 2) (#20)
by balsamic vinigga on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:28:55 PM EST

account... i donated it to him (indirectly) but he changed the password.

He needs to find a representative to manage his k5 accounts in his absence for just this sort of thing!

---
Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

i wonder (none / 1) (#21)
by osm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:34:00 PM EST

if his attorney really believes they're going to let him out after seeing this letter. surely they'd make him undergo a psych evaluation after seeing that... and make his release contingent on the results of that. lol. what a jackass.

--------
4thelulz.org
[ Parent ]

I doubt the attorney had an opportunity (none / 0) (#22)
by balsamic vinigga on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:37:25 PM EST

to intervene.

He mailed it directly to the county clerk, asking that he pass it on to the presiding judge. I'm sure his attorney would have advised him not to do it...

---
Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

well yeah, but surely he knows about it now (none / 1) (#23)
by osm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:42:15 PM EST


--------
4thelulz.org
[ Parent ]

Current Score: 19 (none / 0) (#25)
by Empedocles on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 05:50:53 PM EST

Total Votes: 26

---
And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home

Am I the only one that feels a little bit sad? (3.00 / 12) (#26)
by MichaelCrotchford on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:01:40 PM EST

Not sad that we're so gay4crawford, but sad that his Mental I'llness is so ...awful. When he posts that kind of shit to k5, I roll my eyes and VTD, but writing that same exact shit out longhand and sending an incoherent wall of text to the judge isn't funny, it's pathetic.

No. It really is quite sad. (3.00 / 4) (#36)
by Blarney on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 03:39:07 AM EST

Guess it's only funny for so long? The thing is that how ever many jokes you tell, HE'LL never get the joke.

But it really is a problem with our society as well that we somehow can't seem to provide medical treatment for a clear and obvious problem. Felony charges. He's not quite Jean Valjean but he's kinda close.

[ Parent ]

I think the worst part is (none / 0) (#40)
by MichaelCrotchford on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 05:55:46 PM EST

Had he not been in jail, he would have posted the exact same text to k5 (minus a sentence or two).

Despite all the dumb shit and crusades he goes on, I think I've been overestimating his competence.

[ Parent ]

...says 'Michael Crotchford' (3.00 / 2) (#41)
by Harry B Otch on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 08:00:31 PM EST

Now, there are some people who might say that such a handle reduces your credibility as a true friend of MDC, but certainly not me.

------
A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.
[ Parent ]

Congratulations. $ (none / 0) (#29)
by modus on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:49:14 PM EST



woot! (none / 1) (#30)
by MichaelCrotchford on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:52:18 PM EST

This has to be one of the fastest up-voted story in years.

good ol mike still has it in him to make FP (none / 1) (#31)
by balsamic vinigga on Tue Jan 31, 2012 at 06:54:40 PM EST

it even included Caltech. What's the proper way to season a hat?

---
Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]
Crazy person charged with felony (3.00 / 3) (#35)
by Blarney on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 02:21:41 AM EST

For making crazy phone call to police reporting his hallucinations.

This can't be right, it just can't.

Anyone who wants to know why we have the biggest prison system in the world, this is a pretty good example.

dude you called it (3.00 / 3) (#37)
by balsamic vinigga on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 04:37:21 AM EST

My apologies to BL for assuming this was a part of the chess game...

I wonder if it's Zimmerman? I mean if he pressed charges or whatever or if it was a broader reaction by the system? Perhaps a matter of protocol when something like that is left on the 911 dispatch tapes?

As far as the criminal justice system failing... I can see in only two ways so far: 1) ridiculously high bail, and 2) does a March date count as a fair and speedy trial? (granted, I know that you can waive your right to one)... otherwise we'll have to wait to see how they rule before we can really start slinging the Les Mis references...

---
Please help fund a Filipino Horror Movie. It's been in limbo since 2007 due to lack of funding. Please donate today!
[ Parent ]

sadly this is SOP (2.57 / 7) (#38)
by Blarney on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 05:19:42 AM EST

This is ghetto justice. This is considered a speedy trial, this is not considered excessive bail. Hold them until they plead, chalk up a 'conviction' to please the stupid, childish bastards who call themselves 'voters' (how do you think elected prosecutors boast 95+% conviction rates?), and serve 'justice'. It's punishment before trial, it's a coerced plea in other words a forced confession, and this is normal and customary for dealing with people of lower means.

I knew it was a cop because cops are the biggest pussies there are. Would you and your big muscular pal break a young girl's leg, lock her in a cage, and then cry to a judge that she assaulted you? Cops do that shit, all the time. It's part of the job. It's how justice works comrade.

[ Parent ]

The Man of La Mancha lives (none / 0) (#39)
by Harry B Otch on Wed Feb 01, 2012 at 09:17:25 AM EST

We're like Crawford's fluffers here at k5, putting this manifesto stuff on the internets for him.

-----
A lamentable petty bourgeois cry of fear.-.

I never saw softwareproblem.net until now (none / 1) (#42)
by BadDoggie on Fri Feb 17, 2012 at 03:47:00 PM EST

Jeez what a waste of rack-mounted electrons.
The Computer Software Problem is commonly regarded to be the "fact" that all software has bugs, and that there is no hope of fixing them all.

I know from my own experience that this is patently untrue.

Leave it to Crawford to miss the word "non-trivial". No non-trivial software is bug-free. Fuck, even Minesweeper is buggy.

Now can you fuckers stop being so ghey for Crawford and write about something interesting, like, well... fuck, I don't know anymore. But something other than MDC. A follow-up to Fuck Natalee, maybe?

woof.

"Eppur si muove." -- Galileo Galilei
"Nevertheless, it moves."

4A 01-23-2012 LETTER Letter F/defendant To Court | 41 comments (38 topical, 3 editorial, 0 hidden)
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