Q: Husband Wants an Open Marriage: A few months ago, my husband uncovered an affair I was having with an old flame. He moved out and initiated divorce proceedings, but in the time since, I was able to convince him that I am truly repentant and to give our marriage another chance for the sake of our children. The problem I have now is that he says that if we are to stay married, he wants it to be an open marriage. I've tried to tell him that I've got it out of my system and I don't want to be with anybody other than him, but he says there just isn't any way he can ever trust me again, he doesn't feel an obligation to be faithful to me anymore, and at least this way we're being honest about it. nateo, it makes me ill to think about him being with another woman. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. How can I convince him that we need to be completely committed to each other in order for this to work?
A: Your only chance is to have hotter sex with your piece on the side than he does and make sure he knows it, so he's driven to despair and willing to bargain from a point of weakness. Until then, ha ha, you evil cunt.
Q: Genealogy: My mother had a brief relationship with my biological father; they were never romantically involved after my birth. When I was about old, my father was incarcerated for life due to a violent crime. My mother explained this to me with varying degrees of detail throughout my childhood. Although it sounds like the beginning of my life was rocky, my mother provided my with a wonderful childhood and eventually remarried when I was 12. I have a fantastic relationship with my stepfather (who adopted me at age 15). However, this is a detail of my life that I do not wish to be common knowledge. My fiancé is aware of this element of my past, but we have not told the rest of his family. His aunt loves genealogy and has pressed me for more details of my origin. I gave her my stepfather, but she asked me point blank for my bio fathers information. My fiancé sent an email to his aunt, explaining that I never knew my bio father and am very close to my stepfather. However, I suspect she is the type of person who will take it upon herself to find this information on her own. I also suspect she will let his whole family know about this, something that I do not particularly want and I know my mother does not want. Should we tell his parents the truth and ask them to keep this as quiet as can be? Or should we just keep quiet and deal with this if it becomes an issue?
A: "I'm not getting a mortgage from you, I'm just marrying your nephew. Back the fuck up." Hope this helps.
Q: A Father's Heartbreak: I am 76 years old, retired, and living in a resort community along the southern coast. I have one son who lives about 10 hours away by car. I have made the trip several times each year over the nine years of my retirement. Over the past three years, I have learned that my son is an alcoholic. I have personally had to call 911 twice after finding him in a dangerous stupor in his home. I have seen him through two DUI trials and helped him get to outpatient rehab stints. After a recent crisis, I strongly encouraged him to enter a 30-day inpatient program. His response was to cut off all communication with me. Is there anything I can do to reconnect with the son I love?
A: If you'll willingly live in a retirement community, you must be pretty feeble and not have much time left. Call him up right now, offer to take him out for beers and shots and get this thing straightened out. I never like to hear about 76-year-olds behind the wheel so make sure he drives.
Q: Re: Genealogy: This can't be a legit question. Didn't Hax get the same question from the standpoint of the fiancé's aunt?
A: Fuck would I know? I don't read the weak shit other advice columnists produce.
Q: Blended Families: Over the weekend my wife suffered a miscarriage. She started miscarrying while we were eating dinner with my children from my first marriage, who live with us every weekend. My kids, 9 and 12, did not know about the pregnancy, but did see their stepmother hunched over and in pain. They know she's sick, and after I dropped them off at their mom's house, I've only called them once and sent them a few emails (all to let them know my wife will be physically OK). My ex-wife has been texting me all weekend about what is up and what she should tell the kids. Earlier this morning she texted to ask if my wife suffered a miscarriage. I appreciate my ex-wife's concern but am currently very shaken and heartbroken. We need some space from her, and we don't think we have to tell her if my wife had a miscarriage. Is there a polite way to ask for some space? My wife and I are also unsure if we should tell the kids about the miscarriage, but whether we do or not, we don't think my ex-wife should be a part of that conversation.
A: Sorry for your loss. They say the apple never falls far from the tree. Your children are probably just as emotionally soft and pathetic as you are, so tell your ex to tell them to stop asking questions or they get the belt. I'll wager a foetus against your miscarriage that they'll be quiet and give you the time you need.
Q: Mother's Day: Each Mother's Day I am expected to prepare and serve a special breakfast, plan and pay for an activity centered around what "mom" enjoys, and provide cards and gifts for my wife. We have a young child and have had gone through the same thing each of the four years. My problem? We are a lesbian couple. I'm a mom, too. She is the birth mother, but how do I explain to my wife that I want the special day, too? It's not like I am celebrated on Father's Day. One year it was so bad that when the restaurant offered each of us a free dessert with dinner, she claimed mine and asked for it in a to-go box.
A: LOL. What. The. Fuck. If you play the role of the husband, for fuck's sake, start telling that bitch what to do and if she doesn't snap to it, there's gonna be trouble. Jesus, please tell me this is trane submitting this question because that'd explain the total lack of assertiveness from someone who is at least theoretically a man.
Q: Relationship Drama: My friend committed suicide last Thursday night. Because of that, and circumstances surrounding that suicide (I saw his body before the police got there, and I was among the first to hear about it), I suffered a severe panic attack. (I suffer from a panic disorder.) I had to be sedated. I told my boyfriend of four months ("Kevin") what was going on so he wouldn't worry when he couldn't get a hold of me. He responded by asking me whether this would become a regular thing, and then told me that he didn't know if he could be with me if it would. nateo, I doubt this is going to become a regular thing, as there were some pretty severe extenuating circumstances behind it; but at the same time, I can see his point. A recent boyfriend should not have to see me through this kind of thing. I'm not really sure it's right to stay with someone under these circumstances. Should I work this out on my own? Should I stay with him? I do care about him a lot, but I don't know if this is really the best time.
A: This question was submitted about a week ago so I assume either Kevin's moved on to less damaged merchandise or you've killed yourself by now. Next question.
Q: Polyamory: Out or Not?: My husband and I recently opened our marriage to be polyamorous (more deep bonds with other people than the "running around" some consider open marriage). I've told a couple of female friends and I've lost them as friends. My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, and he gets along well with my husband and our children, so I can see a time where he may end up meeting my very Christian father. Dad already hears me speak of my friend Roger often, but I wouldn't be surprised if he picks up on the actual nature of our relationship. He'd be seriously floored and averse. Losing friends was bad enough, I do not want to go through this with my father. Can I keep it that we are "friends" even if eyebrows start to raise?
A: (fapping to this now)
Q: Roommate Eats My Food: I've been living with a roommate (someone I knew only through other friends) for about six months now and I've been noticing that from time to time, some of my food seems to go missing. It's not a lot, just enough for me to notice. A cup of cereal here or there, some milk, handfuls of pretzels or chips, a couple of slices of bread, an occasional piece of fruit. I just seem to go through food faster than I used to when I lived alone. I've never caught my roommate stealing food, but I can't come up with any other explanation. I have a longer commute than he does, so he spends a couple of hours alone in the apartment almost every day. Short of catching him red-handed, I guess I can't really prove that I know he's stealing, but I'm pretty positive and I don't like that he's taking food without asking permission. We occasionally offer each other a beer, or offer to share leftovers if we have them when we're making dinner, but we agreed when we moved in together that we would be buying our food separately, and I certainly never agreed that we could just take food from each other's shelves in the pantry. Other than this, we get along pretty well, but this is really starting to get on my nerves. What can I do about it?
A: I had a friend who had this problem. She would just continue to complain about it. It got old. Have you, oh, I don't know, considered saying "hey, are you eating my food?" If it seems like an uncomfortable discussion to have consider the alternative: spending a bunch of time thinking about it and pissed off about it, and then writing some dipshit advice columnist on the Internet a fucking awful email about it.
Q: Son's Extremely Obese Fiancée: I need help about my son's extremely obese fiancée. I might need advice on how to get over my own discomfort and how to address rude comments from family. My son is engaged to a girl who was a little more heavy than "chubby," when they met, but who has in the last two years gained another 150 pounds. She makes me uncomfortable because she eats the most unhealthiest of diets--fried foods and sugar, basically. My son battled weight issues as a teen but fought hard and lost it all and kept it off for eight years. I'm upset that her influence is also causing him to gain weight. I know there are other weight issues here ... I am not that thin, and most of my family members are heavy. Other family members make comments to me about how she will break their furniture, whether she is one of those people who ride carts at Wal-Mart, how they don't invite them over because she eats too much. Really bad stuff. Is it even in my place to suggest she gets help? I feel terrible for feeling this way.
A: Fatties can be a serious problem. You're going to need to rent a backhoe.
Q: Gambling debt?: For Mother's Day, I decided to treat my mom to a weekend of gambling, as she has always enjoyed this, and she hadn't been to a casino in a long time. I checked it out with her ahead of time, made the reservations, drove us there, etc., and we spent two nights in Reno. While at the actual casino, we sometimes drifted apart and did our separate things. I was quite lucky, and won a slot machine payout of over $1,000. It was nice, as it basically paid me back for the weekend, and left me a bit of extra money. My mom lost several hundred dollars. The problem is that now she expects me to pay for her losses. In her words, "What's the big deal, you won anyway?" She feels that since I hosted for this trip, I somehow "owe" her for her losses because I won. I have no intention of paying her back for the money she lost, and she can certainly afford it. But now she is furious with me. Help! Did I do something wrong?
A: First, congratulations on your good luck. The weekend becomes free for you, which you need to understand means you're doing dick for your mom, and you pocket the cash and call it even. You really know how to do Mother's Day right. Your mom must be proud of you.
Q: Extended Family Always Wants Our Time: My husband and I moved away from our hometown almost 15 years ago. We left behind all our immediate family (both sides) and as a result have gone back to our hometown for "vacations" throughout the years. We now have two kids that are a bit older (3 and 8) and would like to start doing more of our own vacations. My husband is going to have a milestone birthday this winter and I'd like to take our family on a tropical vacation to celebrate. The problem? We won't be able to return to our hometown for our typical "summer" vacation as I'd like to save money. My own parents are OK with this, but my MIL is not happy. She was planning on us coming and is distraught we won't be able to make it. I invited her to come here instead (we live in a vacation-destination state) but she is unwilling to travel and seemed resentful when she mentioned us taking a "winter vacation" someplace warm. How do I fix this? For the record my parents visit annually but my husband's family will not travel here despite having more freedom of time and financial resources. Thoughts?
A: Get the drinks with the umbrellas. Everyone makes fun of them, but that shit is delicious.
Q: Love Him or Leave Him: I have been dating a wonderful man for about four months now. He is a model boyfriend 90 percent of the time, but it's that 10 percent that concerns me. He binge drinks and when he does his personality changes significantly. He goes from being a kind-hearted caring man to someone that ignores me for long periods of time, is nasty, and blames me for everything. All his friends are huge drinkers. He does not drink daily, but tells me that once he starts he cannot stop. It happens at least four times a month. He apologizes and seems truly sincere and sad, and then it just keeps happening. He refuses to admit he has a problem. I want to give him an ultimatum, but everyone advises against it. I cannot deal with the drinking, but I truly love the rest of him. Is it wrong to give the ultimatum? I've given him several chances to "control" the drinking and each time he fails. I have told him I think he's an alcoholic he does not agree. Are you aware of any good free resources for binge drinkers, it seems most cater to alcoholics? It is very easy to just tell me to walk away, and that's what all of my friends think, but when you are in the situation, it's just not that black and white.
A: Nobody likes a buzzkill, there, Little Miss Too-Square-For-Fun.
Q: Re: For the Polyamorist: A cautionary tale: A friend went through this with several other couples. It all ended badly and everyone ended up getting divorced. It was painful and expensive for all involved (including the children). I think it was fun for everyone in the beginning, but over time, it caused a lot of stresses in everyone's marriage and other relationships. I'm not saying this will happen with your situation, but please think through your decisions carefully.
A: (reminded of polyamorist question, fapping to that again now)
Q: Husband Is Gay and Still in the Closet: I have been married to my husband for 21 years, and six years ago he shared with me that he is attracted to men. Due to religious reasons, he does not want to pursue living a gay lifestyle. He says that he has never been unfaithful to me in the physical sense. Over the past six years, we have tried to make things work and I was sworn to secrecy and could only discuss the situation with a few people that he had to approve of. Now, we are now getting a divorce and he still says that he isn't gay and is telling people that "we just drifted apart." When our friends hear that, I come across as the wife who just wouldn't try hard enough to save the marriage, because he doesn't want to get divorced. What people don't understand is what it has been like for me the past six years: living in his closet and how hard I really have worked, through marriage counseling, and individual therapy. He still doesn't want people to know about his same-sex attraction. My question is: What is my obligation to honor his wish to stay in the closet? Do I need to keep his secret?
A: No, I think you've adequately thought this through and you should definitely tell everyone you know that you're getting a divorce because you turned your ex gay.
Q: Paternity Leave and Old Friends: My wife took three months of maternity leave when our daughter was born. When she returned to work, I began my own three-month paternity leave. It's wonderful and my daughter is thrilling, but my problem is my friends. Until a few weeks ago, I took them for normal people with a basically modern view of gender roles, but they have been mean and judgmental about this, calling me "whipped" and saying I shouldn't "let" my wife read any more books like Lean In. (Really.) This weekend, three of them got together and told me that I should be angry at my wife for forcing me to give up on a job I love. No one is giving up on anything! This is just the way we are dealing with the fact that we BOTH love our jobs, and we love each other, and we love our daughter. We know we won't always be able to split everything exactly 50/50, but we're coming at it with a 50/50 mindset. In the long term, I'm sure I'll make friends with more open-minded people, but in the short term, I'm home alone all day with a 15-week-old baby, and I really could use the support of some friends! What do I do?
A: When I had kids, I maxed out the paternity each time beacuse what the fuck, not working is better than working, so the good news is you're in the right there. However, you need to man up and stop lusting after the support of friends when they have a 9-5 to take care of and you're home all day with your dopey kid that sleeps half the time, and your wife definitely shouldn't be reading bullshit like Lean In.
Q: Prescription Drug Abuse: My young son and I moved in with my fiancée a few months ago. She has two teenage boys. It has been a tough year for her, her mom passed away in September. She has a high-stress job. Once or twice a month she acts really weird--tired, slurring words, repeating herself, not making sense. I couldn't figure out if she was drinking or misusing a prescription drug. She has abused alcohol in the past. Whenever I asked what was going on she would get defensive and says that she had spent the day crying, and it emotionally exhausted her. This last incident she admitted taking a Xanax. I suspect that is what is the source for her "weirdness." She can function in her job that is about it. At home nothing gets accomplished, even when she is not using the prescription drug. She works herself to exhaustion to forget about her mom, and when she can't work anymore, she stays at home crying. I got her to go see a counselor, who she loved, to help her cope with the passing of her mom. Though she has only gone once in six weeks. She keeps working. How can I be a support to her?
A: She gets fucked up once or twice a month and you're worried? Wow. I know who needs to take a pill, and its not your wife. Ease down there, Mister Straight-Edge Helper. Most people like to get a little fucked up sometimes, so unless she's turning into kitten, why don't you take this opportunity to relax the fuck down.
nateo: Thanks, everyone. I know we all think its some bullshit that Mother's Day is over, but try to keep it together this weekend.